Alternative Season Nine
by Kelly-Simba
Summary: This season follows on from my alternative season eight
1. Default Chapter

_I don't own any of these characters, all rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_This season follows my alternate season eight, so if it doesn't make any sense you've either just had a lobotomy or you haven't read episode twenty-four of season eight, in which case I would recommend you do so or the monkey gets it. _

_May I take this opportunity to thank everyone who sent me feedback on my season eight finale — WARNING! I'M ABOUT TO NAME NAMES SO PLEASE NO ONE HAVE A CORONARY THIS TIME — Marissa (the one person who has pestered me blind over the last few months), Crofty (who gives me more support and encouragement then I really deserve), Charlotte, Misti, Sydney, Dani, Becky, Joy, Megan, Laura, Casey, Jodie, Beryl, Gillian, Olli, Norah, Kate and Stephanie. _

_Feedback is as always appreciated and may stop the aliens from giving me an anal probe, so please send it to Kelly_simba@hotmail.com _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Nine Episode One   
The American's Are Coming! The American's Are Coming! 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

FADE IN: 

INT. AIRPORT DEPARTURE LOUNGE — MORNING — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Niles, Roz, Martin, Attendant) 

FRASIER, NILES, ROZ AND MARTIN SIT IN THE DEPARTURE LOUNGE BY THE GATE WAITING TO BOARD THE AEROPLANE. TO THE RIGHT, AN ATTENDANT MANS THE DESK BY THE DEPARTURE GATE AS NILES FIDGETS IN HIS SEAT AND SEVERAL OTHER PASSENGERS MILL AROUND 

FRASIER 

Niles will you stop fidgeting. You're acting like you're wearing wool underwear. And you can't be that depressed that you're actually wearing the pair Nanna knitted you in the forth grade, your voice would be a lot higher to start with and you'd probably be covered in a nasty rash. 

NILES 

Hence the reason why I'd be fidgeting. Not to mention I'd have an extremely visible underwear line and that doesn't really go with an Armani suit. Well not with this Armani suit at least. It may look better with a double-breasted jacket. 

ROZ 

You mean a visible panty line you underwear illiterate doily. 

NILES 

But surprisingly enough I'm not wearing panties. 

FRASIER 

Thank God. There's an image I can do without. 

ROZ 

Oh come on, you've never once tried on some of Daphne's underwear? You've never gone to the Opera in a pair? You must have some sort of bizarre fetish like that. Stuffed shirts always do. I once dated an accountant who liked to rub meat paste on the bald spot on his head before we had sex. The smell put the romance right out of the relationship for me. 

NILES GETS UP FROM HIS SEAT AND STARTS TO PACE ABOUT THE ROOM 

NILES 

We haven't reached the cross dressing stage of our relationship yet Roz. Give it a couple of months and I won't leave the house without wearing one of her pleated skirts or summer dresses. 

MARTIN 

That makes me feel so proud. Who doesn't want to see their son wearing high heels and a teddy? 

FRASIER 

Well me for one I don't think Lilith will be too keen either. 

NILES 

But back to the original question, no Frasier I'm not wearing wool underwear. 

NILES SITS BACK DOWN 

ROZ 

I remember my Grandmother once tried to knit me a wool bathing suit for my summer vacation. That was ten years ago when I was about eighteen. 

FRASIER'S MOUTH DROPS OPEN 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Frasier close your mouth before you catch a fly or maybe even a fist. 

MARTIN 

Did you wear it? 

ROZ 

I had to. I didn't want to hurt her feelings. We went on a family vacation to Florida. The crotch stretched so much with the weight of the water that when I was walking out of the sea it looked as if I had a drift net strapped between my legs. I had to keep telling people "It's seaweed honestly, feel it. Do I look French?" I caught more fish in that then my Grandfather did in two weeks fishing with a rod. 

NILES GETS BACK UP AND WALKS AROUND 

FRASIER 

It gives a whole new meaning to the idea of having caught crabs. 

ROZ 

For God's sake I nearly beached a whale with it. 

FRASIER 

There's a pretty picture. Roz straddling a large marine mammal. 

ROZ 

There were a whole bunch of environmentalists on the beach panicking and trying to push it back into the sea. 

NILES SITS BACK DOWN AGAIN AND STARTS TO SQUIRM AROUND IN HIS SEAT TRYING TO GET COMFORTABLE TO THE INCREASING ANNOYANCE OF FRASIER AND ROZ 

NILES 

Are you sure they weren't aiming those comments at you? Did anyone try to hurl you back into the water? Or simply try to clog your blowhole for your own sake? 

ROZ 

No! Although I did pretend to have passed out from the shock to get a little mouth-to-mouth action with the lifeguard. I soon got up and ran when I saw a huge beer belly running towards me in tight shorts. And running at great speed is hard enough on sand without dragging half the coral reef with you between your legs. I looked like a character off Bay Watch. 

FRASIER 

Niles will you sit still! If you do this during the flight I will stuff you in the overhead bin. Even if I'm forced to make you swallow your own feet to fit in there I'll still do it. I don't care how much those shoes cost. 

NILES 

Thank you so much for your support. I feel like Hitler during the Second World War. In fact he had more people on his side. 

MARTIN 

Well that happens when you're the leader of the Nazi's. People tend to follow you around like sheep. 

ROZ 

I always thought you were a bit of a homicidal maniac. But I thought it was best to turn a blind eye until it got to the stage when you tuned into a necrophilliac. Then I'd mention it and suggest professional help or at least call into the show. Either way I don't mind. 

FRASIER 

We're going half way around the world with you Niles. Is that not enough support. We're here to back up your story. Either that or to heavily sedate Daphne and force her to come home. 

MARTIN 

Hell I even faked a seizure so I could steal the ex-ray of the ring for you. Do you think it's easy to turn blue by holding your breathe without passing out? I nearly had a stoke. I still can't feel my right arm. 

FRASIER 

That's because you've got your watchstrap done up too tight. How many more times do I have to tell you? 

MARTIN 

Well I wish you'd have told me sooner. I shut my hand in the car door yesterday. It took me five minutes to realise. 

NILES GETS UP AND STARTS TO PACE AGAIN 

NILES 

I told you that you didn't have to do that Dad. We could just have got Roz to sleep with the doctor. I'm sure he was already on her 'to do' list. 

ROZ 

That's very amusing. 

MARTIN 

How much more support do you need? 

ROZ 

I've got an extra Wonder Bra in my bag if you want that support. They'll also lift and separate. 

MARTIN 

Why have you got an extra bra in your carry on luggage? Are you planning on catapulting the food at the flight attendants? 

NILES 

I wasn't aware you could make a hammock out of a bra. But I have news for you. There are no palm trees in Manchester to hang it from. 

NILES SITS BACK DOWN AGAIN 

ROZ 

It's in case I loose the one I'm wearing. 

FRASIER 

Because we all loose our underwear at thirty thousand feet. Detectives work twenty-four hours a day trying to solve the mystery. I used to put it down to spontaneous underwear combustion due to the high altitude but that theory was proved wrong. It's actually the little underwear gnomes that live in the seat cushions. They build their houses out of it. They crawl up your trousers leg and steal your underwear as fast as a whippet in heat. Make sure your shoelaces are done up as tightly as possible or they'll steal your socks as well to make sleeping blankets out of. 

ROZ 

Oh my God. How naive are you three? You lead such sheltered lives. 

NILES 

What does that mean? 

FRASIER 

Oh I see. (LOUDLY TO NILES) The mile high club. 

ROZ 

Could you say that a little louder please? I don't think someone in immigration heard you. 

FRASIER 

Sure. (LOUDER) The mile high club. 

MARTIN 

Thinking of taking out a membership? 

NILES 

Membership? Roz is President of that club. Why do you think she has so many frequent flyer miles? 

NILES ONCE AGAIN GETS UP AND STARTS PACING BACK AND FORTH 

ROZ 

Well if your jealous Niles, you could always join it on your own if you're quick and steal a rubber glove from the janitor's trolley over there. Don't bother to tell him I doubt he'll want it back afterwards. (SHOUTS) And will you just sit down! You're up and down more times then a stripper's thong. 

NILES SLUMPS DOWN IN HIS SEAT 

MARTIN 

Is there someone you've got your eye on then Roz? 

ROZ 

No but when I've got liquored up on those tiny bottles of alcohol, I don't get too fussy. 

NILES 

Be on your guard Dad you could be next. 

FRASIER 

How do you even fit two people in one of those toilets anyway? You can barely pick up your trousers without knocking yourself out on the door. I knocked myself out cold once. Heaven only knows what that flight attendant thought when she eventually prized the door open and I fell out drooling with my pants around my ankles. 

MARTIN 

'Help me I'm blind' immediately springs to mind. 

FRASIER 

Needless to say Lilith wasn't impressed. Especially when it turned out I had a slight concussion, forgot I was married to Lilith and kept flirting with the women sitting behind me. 

ROZ 

It's all a matter of physics. 

NILES 

I see it's just the matter of a simple volume equation. 

ROZ 

That and just cramming yourself in there as quickly as possible and hope you don't set the smoke alarm off with all the steam. Of course the more turbulence the better, the less he has to do. 

FRASIER 

Charming. 

NILES STARES AT ROZ FOR A MOMENT BEFORE RESTING HIS HEAD ON FRASIER'S SHOULDER 

NILES 

(WHINING) I miss Daphne. 

MARTIN 

It won't be long now son. 

FRASIER 

I can't help but notice Roz, that while the three of us are miserable and anxious to get there and explain you have a smile like a Cheshire cat plastered on your face. 

ROZ 

Well do you blame me? 

NILES 

Yes I do blame you. This is after all, all your fault. 

ROZ 

If you say that once more I'll shove your life jacket down your throat and pull the cord to inflate it. If I feel real nice about it I may let you take an aspirin beforehand in case it gives you a slight sore throat. 

FRASIER 

Why are you so happy? Have you been taking Prozac again? I thought my prescription pad had gone missing. 

ROZ 

I'm going on a free holiday. I intend on having a good time. 

FRASIER 

You do realise that there's every chance you'll run into Simon and his ragging hormones and wondering hands while we're there. 

ROZ 

Oh I'll run into him all right. If he comes near me I'll run into him with a school bus and not stop until the Police use spikes to burst the tires and tackle me to the ground. 

MARTIN 

I don't fancy your chances for getting bail then. 

ROZ 

No problem, I'll just flirt myself out of it. 

THE ATTENDANT SWITCHES ON THE MICROPHONE 

ATTENDANT 

At this time we'd like to start pre boarding. Seating first class passengers only, rows one to seven. Pre boarding only first class passengers at this time. 

NILES GETS UP AND PICKS UP HIS BAG 

NILES 

Ah first class, that's us. 

FRASIER 

Actually Niles, we're not in first class. 

NILES 

Why? 

FRASIER 

Well it was so last minute, I had trouble getting us all on the same flight. I had to take what they had unless you wanted to wait a few more days. 

NILES 

Well we can still go. By the time we reach the front they'll be calling business class. 

FRASIER 

We're not in business class. 

NILES 

Then what class are we in? 

FRASIER 

Coach. 

NILES 

Oh I see. In other words we're showing no class. Roz you should feel right at home. 

ROZ 

I'm already sick of you, you little titmouse and we haven't even boarded the plane yet. 

NILES 

Then you shouldn't have eaten Daphne's ring. 

ROZ STANDS UP AND GRABS A PLUNGER FROM OFF THE JANITOR'S TROLLEY 

ROZ 

That's it, forget the life jacket I'm just going to use this plunger. Let's see how far down I can push it. Frasier tell me when it starts to rip a hole in his pants. 

AS NILES RUNS AWAY FROM ROZ AND SEVERAL PASSENGERS WALK TOWARDS THE GATE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

TITLE CARD: 'IT'S JUST A PITY THEY DON'T KEEP COWS ON THE RUNWAY' 

FADE IN: 

INT. COACH SECTION OF THE AEROPLANE — MORNING — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Niles, Flight Attendant, Mary, Sue, Martin, Second Flight Attendant, Roz) 

FRASIER AND NILES SIT ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE ISLE FROM MARTIN AND ROZ. NILES CONTINUES TO FIDGET IN HIS SEAT 

FRASIER 

Will you stop it! You're making me sea sick in the air. And even though they supply us with sick bags I don't particularly want to use one. 

NILES 

I'm sorry but what do you expect when I'm forced to sit with all the riff raff? We're literally moments away from a drunken brawl. 

FRASIER 

Tell me about it. I'm surprised we don't have to flap our arms to keep the plane level. 

NILES 

And I'm just really nervous about seeing her. What if she doesn't believe me? What if I've lost her for good? I might as well just throw myself in front of an ice cream truck to put me out of my misery. 

FRASIER 

Of course she'll believe you. 

A FLIGHT ATTENDANT STARTS TO WALK DOWN THE ISLE 

NILES 

How do you know? Why would anyone believe that story? It's so unbelievable. I'll show you. (TO THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT) Excuse me miss. If you suspected your boyfriend of having an affair because he was spending a lot of time with another women and you think he's confessed to it would you take him back? 

FLIGHT ATTENDANT 

No way. I'd castrate him and flush it down the toilet at thirty thousand feet. I'd see how much he'd fool around then. 

NILES 

But what if the real reason he was spending so much time with this woman was because she ate the engagement ring he was going to give to you and wanted it back? What he was confessing to was that the ring had been eaten, would you believe him? 

FLIGHT ATTENDANT 

Are you kidding? I'd beat him around the head and neck with a broken bottle for treating me as such a fool. Eating a ring? That's the most absurd, unbelievable, implausible thing I have ever heard. 

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT EXITS INTO HER STATION AS NILES STARTS TO ROCK BACK AND FORTH AND BREATHE RAPIDLY 

NILES 

Frasier I'm starting to hyperventilate. I need my oxygen mask or my sick bag or just a really deep pocket. 

FRASIER 

Now Niles that's just one women's opinion. 

MARY STICKS HER HEAD ABOVE NILES' SEAT FROM THE ROW BEHIND 

MARY 

Excuse me for listening, but if it were me I'd drop him with a dear rifle first and ask questions later. 

FRASIER 

Yes thank you. 

SUE LEANS OVER FROM BEHIND MARTIN'S CHAIR 

SUE 

No way that'd be too quick. I'd disembowel him with a spoon right there and then on the kitchen table. 

MARY 

It'd be slower if it involved a ferret and some lubricant. 

MARTIN 

Now I'm looking forward to my dinner. 

FRASIER 

Thank you so much for your input ladies but this really doesn't concern you. Although it should probably concern the ferret. 

MARY AND SUE SIT BACK DOWN AS THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT RE-ENTERS, WITH A SECOND FLIGHT ATTENDANT, AND WALKS TOWARDS NILES AND POINTS HIM OUT 

FLIGHT ATTENDANT 

This is the guy. 

SECOND FLIGHT ATTENDANT 

If it were me, I'd believe him. Until he started to head butt my meat cleaver several times out of guilt. 

MARY AND SUE STAND BACK UP TO LISTEN 

NILES 

But it's true. It happened to me, she did eat the ring. I was only trying to get it back. Don't you believe me? 

FLIGHT ATTENDANT 

Of course we believe you. And oh look a tiny fairy just flew out of your ass and belched the alphabet. 

ALL FOUR WOMEN THEN START TO SLAP NILES AS THEY SHOW THEIR DISGUST 

FRASIER 

This has all been most helpful but there's a women over there who needs a kidney transplant that you can terrorise and tell her she won't get. Thank you ladies. 

MARY AND SUE SIT BACK DOWN AS BOTH FLIGHT ATTENDANT EXIT BACK INTO THEIR STATION. FRASIER HANDS NILES A DRINK 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Here Niles drink this. 

NILES 

No thanks I had an eyedropper of Vodka before I left the house that should last me about a week. 

ROZ 

This is the only place where you can order a bottle of rum and a coke and actually get it. 

NILES 

No wonder you're so happy. 

MARTIN 

Just try and relax Niles. Put your seat back. 

NILES 

Oh yes because that eighth of an inch recline will make all the difference. It won't make me miss Daphne anymore. Did you notice how the first class passengers wouldn't even make eye contact with us? This isn't right. I don't belong in steerage; I belong on the other side of that curtain. I have a reputation to protect. 

FRASIER 

Well so do I, I am after all a celebrity. 

MARTIN, NILES AND ROZ THEN START TO ROLL ABOUT LAUGHING 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Thank you all so much. Have you remembered the ring? 

NILES 

No I left it on the kitchen table just for fun. In fact I was hoping that Eddie would eat it. I'm sorry Frasier, yes, here it is. 

NILES GETS A PLASTIC BAG OUT OF HIS CARRY ON LUGGAGE WHICH HAS THE RING IN IT, HE THEN GETS A RUBBER GLOVE OUT AND PUTS IT ON 

ROZ 

Why have you got it in that plastic bag? And the rubber glove? You know when I suggested joining the mile high club on your own Niles I was only joking. 

NILES 

It's not for that. 

MARTIN 

Then why have you brought it? 

NILES 

I'm going to take the pilot's temperature the old fashioned way, why do you think? I'm not touching that with my bare hands. I know where it's been. 

ROZ 

Hey! 

FRASIER 

Lucky you, I've seen where it's been. 

ROZ 

Hey! 

NILES 

I've brought an extra rubber glove for Daphne to wear under the ring until I've had the chance to boil it in disinfectant. I don't want her to catch anything. 

ROZ 

You're the one who wouldn't let me run it through the dishwasher. 

NILES 

I'm considering asking Father Daniel to let me wash it in Holy Water. I don't think he'll mind. Maris once talked him into letting the servants wash the dogs in it. But then again she did threaten him with being extradited. I wonder if that trick will work again. 

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT RE-ENTERS AND STARTS TO HAND OUT THE DINNER PLATES 

FRASIER 

Of course he won't mind Niles. Who wouldn't want to baptise children with water that has essence of Roz's bowel in it. Why doesn't he just skip the middleman and damn the poor souls for all eternity. 

ROZ 

If you don't all stop it, I'll eat it again. 

NILES 

You wouldn't dare. 

ROZ 

Try me. 

ROZ LUNGES FORWARD TO GRAB THE RING BUT NILES QUICKLY PUTS IT AWAY 

FRASIER 

Will you two behave! It's like having a couple of naughty school children. 

MARTIN 

(TO THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT) Thank you. Niles just relax, eat your dinner and then try to go to sleep, then before you know it we'll be there. 

NILES 

Oh yes dinner. 

THEY ALL START TO PROD AND POKE THEIR DINNER 

FRASIER 

What exactly is this again? 

ROZ 

I think they said chicken. Although they never mentioned in which life that was. 

FRASIER 

Well it may be a bird but I'm not sure it's chicken. 

NILES 

I think the smart money is on pigeon. Check it for a racing tag. 

MARTIN 

If you think this is bad, you should try eating hospital food. One thing I didn't realise when you filled out those organ donor cards was that the organs go straight to the hospital kitchen. I guess it's their idea of recycling. 

NILES 

This was hit on the runway. 

FRASIER 

Don't exaggerate. 

NILES 

It has a tire mark embedded in it. No car tire is that big. 

FRASIER 

We should be used to this by now. 

ROZ 

And when's the last time you ate pigeon? 

FRASIER 

I was referring to inedible cooking. We have after all been trying to digest Daphne's cooking for the last eight years. After that my stomach lining can take anything you throw at it. I bet I could give Hannibal Lector a run for his money by now. 

MARTIN 

Just eat it boys. 

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WALKS PAST AS NILES STOPS HER 

NILES 

Excuse me. Is it possible to have a meal that didn't fly into one of the engines? I didn't hear anyone yell 'bird strike.' 

FLIGHT ATTENDANT 

That's very humorous. 

NILES 

How about something from first class? 

FLIGHT ATTENDANT 

Am I going to have trouble with you little man? 

NILES 

No ma'am. 

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT EXITS BACK INTO THE STATION 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Why do they act like Hitler just because they have the power to deny us a tiny bag of peanuts? 

ROZ 

That's one of life's unanswerable questions like what's the meaning of life? Is there life on other planets? Why won't Frasier finally admit that he's virtually bald and buy a wig? 

FRASIER 

What does that mean? 

ROZ 

Frasier when the sun catches your forehead the glare can send you blind. 

MARTIN 

Will you all stop fighting! We're all a little anxious to get this sorted out. We all miss her, but that's no reason to take it out on each other. Now relax and stop abusing one another. 

A STEWARD ENTERS FROM FIRST CLASS AND STOPS BY NILES AND SLAPS HIM 

STEWARD 

You brute! 

MARTIN 

I can't control outside parties. 

AS MARTIN EATS HIS DINNER AND NILES RUBS THE BACK OF HIS HEAD WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. NILES' HOTEL ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Niles, Roz, Martin) 

FRASIER ENTERS NILES' DARK AND DINGY HOTEL ROOM, AS NILES LIES FLAT ON HIS BED HOLDING HIS STOMACH. THE BED IS ON THE RIGHT HAND WALL NEXT TO A WINDOW, ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE IS THE FRONT DOOR AND ON THE BACK WALL THERE IS A BATHROOM DOOR AND AN ADJOINING DOOR 

FRASIER 

Well my room is fine. Apart from the broken furniture and lingering smell of alcohol and blood. I think the previous occupants had a little party. Probably Daphne's brothers. What's your room like? 

NILES 

I haven't noticed. All I've done so far is stick my head down the toilet, cling to the rim for dear life and watch that plane processed pigeon vanish out of me and down the bowl. On the upside the cleaning service here seems to be first rate. 

FRASIER 

Let's let some light in here. It's too much like a morgue. 

FRASIER OPENS THE CURTAINS AND IS FACED WITH A BRICK WALL COVERED IN GRAFFITI READING 'MAN CITY RULE' TWO FEET AWAY FROM THE WINDOW RESULTING IN HARDLY ANY ADDITIONAL LIGHT COMING INTO THE ROOM 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Now that's interesting. They have a guest book that we can sign. At least we know for certain now though that Manchester City Rule. That's one foe par we won't make while we're here. 

NILES 

Not that I had any doubts. Is that the croquet club do you think? 

ROZ ENTERS THROUGH THE ADJOINING DOOR, HER HAIR LOOKING EXTREMELY WILD 

ROZ 

Are you two thirsty? Are you beginning to see mirages of tiny streams surrounded by palm trees? Please say yes. 

FRASIER 

Not really Roz. 

ROZ 

Are you sure? You look a little dehydrated. Here let me pinch your hand. 

ROZ TRIES TO PINCH FRASIER'S HAND BUT HE BACKS AWAY FIRST 

FRASIER 

You're not pinching anything. I'm pretty sure. I have been able to tell since I was a very young child if I required fluid or not. It's one of my gifts. 

ROZ 

Are you hungry? Sometimes I get so hungry I start to hallucinate. I thought a beaver was attacking me once with a giant inflatable hotdog. 

FRASIER 

Not particularly. And maybe you should see a doctor about that beaver thing or take a day off and call into the show. 

ROZ 

How about you Niles? I thought I heard thunder but it might be your stomach rumbling. Does my head look like a giant turkey? 

NILES 

Well yes but that still doesn't make me hungry. I don't really want to look at food right now or possibly ever again. I know I'll never look at a pigeon the same way again; they're nothing but rats with wings. 

ROZ 

Well thanks a lot both of you. It's nice to know who I can depend on in a time of crisis. 

FRASIER 

What crisis? What is the matter? 

NILES 

You're not suddenly earning off room service commission are you? Because if you are it's Frasier's turn to tip this week. 

ROZ 

No but did you see how cute the guy delivering the room service was? He was so pretty he sent my legs to jelly. 

FRASIER 

And there was I thinking you were quivering from the cold. 

MARTIN ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

MARTIN 

We've got to change hotels. 

FRASIER 

Why? Have you seen any rats? 

NILES 

Rats? Where? 

NILES STANDS ON THE BED 

MARTIN 

There's no sports channel. I didn't expect ESPN but something would be nice. I can't survive without sport it's like oxygen. Rats nibbling on my ear lobs I could contend with but not this. 

FRASIER 

We are not changing hotels. Surely you can cope a few days without seeing a group of sweaty men running around. 

ROZ 

I can't. 

FRASIER 

I wasn't talking to you. We're here to get Daphne to come home not watch sports or hit on the people delivering room service. Now Niles what's her address, we can get reception to order us a cab. 

NILES 

I have no idea. 

MARTIN 

What do you mean you have no idea? Where do her parents live? 

NILES 

I don't know. 

ROZ 

For someone who's been obsessed with her for eight years, you don't know a lot about her. Can you even remember what she looks like? 

NILES 

Funnily enough, the exact address of her parents in another country didn't come up. 

FRASIER 

But you were coming here on vacation. 

ROZ SIGHS AT NILES AND WALKS INTO THE BATHROOM, LOOKS IN THE MIRROR AND LEAVES THE DOOR OPEN 

NILES 

Yes with Daphne, she was my guide she was my Sherpa. 

ROZ 

Oh my God! Look at my head. It's wild. Why didn't anyone tell me I had airplane hair? 

ROZ TRIES IN VAIN TO FLATTEN HER HAIR BUT IT JUST BOUNCES BACK AGAIN 

FRASIER 

We've been travelling for nearly twenty hours, couldn't you guess? Why do you think they spent so long looking at your passport photo in immigration? He thought you were the wild woman of Borneo. 

ROZ 

No wonder the room service guy was starring at me. I look like an escaped mental patient who's had too much electro-shock therapy. Why didn't anyone tell me? Did you think it would make me seem more attractive over here? Do you think that English men have a history of troll blindness? 

NILES 

How did we go from looking for Daphne to Roz's airplane hair? 

ROZ 

God it looks even worse then hat hair. Construction workers look better at the end of the day then I do right now and they wear plastic hats and sweat a lot. 

MARTIN 

It's OK. It's not a problem just look in the phone book. 

NILES TAKES THE PHONE BOOK OUT OF THE DRESSER DRAWER 

ROZ 

I'm too tired to go to a hair salon now. The moment they start massaging the shampoo into my scalp I'll be out like a light. 

THEY ALL STARE AT ROZ FOR A MOMENT WHILE SHE CONTINUES TO FLATTEN HER HAIR 

MARTIN 

I meant to find Daphne's address. 

NILES STARTS TO FLICK THROUGH THE PHONE BOOK 

NILES 

Moon, Moon. OK there are seventeen Moon's in the phone book. What do I do now? Close my eyes, point to an address and hope it's the right one. 

FRASIER 

Look up her father's initial. 

NILES 

Now we're down to six. 

ROZ 

So just call them up until you get the right one. Don't worry about people thinking you're insane, you won't ever see them. 

NILES 

But what if she leaves the house before I get a chance to go around there? I'm just going to go and start knocking on doors that way she can't escape. 

FRASIER 

That sounds like...an extremely desperate idea Niles. I say go for it. What have you got to loose other then your pride, dignity and any chance of some sort of future happiness? Have you got the ring? 

NILES TAKES THE PLASTIC BAG WITH THE RING IN OUT OF HIS CARRY ON LUGGAGE, SHIELDING IT FROM ROZ BEFORE HE PUTS IT IN HIS POCKET 

NILES 

Yes. 

FRASIER 

Do you want me to come with you? 

NILES 

Please. I'm so tired I don't think I'll be able to cope if I run into a gang of drunken soccer hooligans. 

ROZ 

And Frasier is the ideal defence in that situation. Why don't you take a gladiola to fight any would be attackers off with? 

AS NILES AND FRASIER EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

TITLE CARD: 'OVER PAID, OVER SEXED AND OVER HERE' 

FADE IN: 

EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET — AFTERNOON — DAY/2   
(Niles, Frasier, Simon, Mrs. Moon, Nigel, Mrs. Etchells, Alan, Women) 

NILES AND FRASIER WALK UP A STREET WITH HOUSES ON EITHER SIDE OF THEM THAT ALL VIRTUALLY LOOK IDENTICAL. EACH HAS A SMALL GARDEN IN FRONT SURROUNDED BY A WALL. NILES CARRIES A MAP AS THEY BOTH LOOK AT THE NUMBERS ON THE DOORS 

NILES 

My feet are killing me. I think I have blisters on my blisters. Who knew Manchester was so big? 

FRASIER 

I'm having an incredible sense of déjà vu. All these streets look exactly the same. I take it back about accusing you of sending us around in circles. I'm sorry Niles but if this isn't the right house, I'm going to give up for the day. I'm so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. 

NILES 

Frasier this is the last name on the list. If we don't find her here she's lied for the last eight years about being a Mancunian. Here it is number thirty-seven. 

THEY STOP OUTSIDE A HOUSE AND WALK THROUGH THE GATE. THEY APPROACH THE DOOR AND NILES RINGS THE BELL FOLLOWED BY A LIGHT KNOCK 

A BEAT 

NILES ONCE AGAIN RINGS THE BELL AS FRASIER LOOKS AT HIS WATCH 

A BEAT 

FRASIER 

No one's home. Come back tomorrow. 

NILES RINGS THE BELL ONCE MORE 

NILES 

Give it a minute. 

NILES CONTINUES TO STAND ON THE DOORSTEP AS FRASIER TAKES A FEW STEPS BACK OUT ONTO THE STREET TO LOOK AT THE UPSTAIRS WINDOWS FOR ANY SIGN OF LIFE. SUDDENLY THE WINDOW DIRECTLY ABOVE THE FRONT DOOR AND MORE IMPORTANTLY DIRECTLY ABOVE NILES OPENS AND A FIGURE HIDDEN BY THE CURTAINS POURS A BUCKET OF WATER ALL OVER NILES COMPLETELY SOAKING HIM. NILES TRIES TO GET THE WATER OUT OF HIS EYES AS FRASIER RATHER HESITANTLY APPROACHES HIM 

FRASIER 

I may be taking a stab in the dark here, but I'd say you've got the right house. 

THE FIGURE IN THE WINDOW LEANS FORWARD AND TURNS OUT TO BE SIMON

SIMON 

Just be glad it's water. Dad's been on the crapper for the last hour with the newspaper and I have a very full bladder. 

NILES MOVES BACK TOWARDS THE WALL SO HE CAN SEE THE WINDOW CLEARLY 

NILES 

Simon is she here? 

SIMON 

That information is classified. I am not allowed to divulge it. But for a hundred quid and a six-pack I might. 

NILES 

Please Simon I didn't do anything wrong. 

SIMON 

Well I know that. Given the chance I'd give Roz a quick one as well but that's just between us gents. 

FRASIER 

Your secrets safe with us. 

MRS. MOON 

(OFF STAGE) Simon who are you talking to? Stop mooning the neighbours. I'm sick of having to wipe the shape of your arse off the windows. Do you have any idea how unhygienic that is? 

SIMON 

(SHOUTING INSIDE) It's whats-his-face, Daphne's chap, Blinky. 

NILES 

Actually it's Niles. But don't worry about that your only sister and I have only been dating for a year. It's nothing special. 

MRS. MOON 

(OFF STAGE) You keep him there I'll get the carving knife and the ball gag. 

NILES 

Simon is she there? Please let me speak to her. 

MRS. MOON ENTERS FROM THE HOUSE HOLDING A BROOM WHICH SHE IMMEDIATELY STARTS TO VISCOUSLY BEAT FRASIER WITH 

MRS. MOON 

You've got a lot of nerve showing up here after what you did. Just be thankful I'm not using a shovel from the garden. I've got a pointed stick with a nail in the end somewhere in the shed. 

FRASIER 

My God why do you keep confusing me with Daphne's boyfriends? I'm Frasier this is Niles. All threats and sharp objects should be brandished at him. 

NILES 

Thank you so much Frasier 

MRS. MOON STOPS HITTING FRASIER AND STARTS TO BEAT NILES FOR A MOMENT INSTEAD 

MRS. MOON 

If I were you I'd get away from my door before I try to squeeze your testicles into my lemon zester. And I'll do it as well. If you don't believe me ask my husband. 

NILES 

Mrs. Moon honestly I didn't do anything wrong. It was just an accident when... 

MRS. MOON 

An accident? Oh I see you tripped over a lump in the rug and on the way crashing to the ground you accidentally had sexual intercourse with one of her friends. 

FRASIER 

It was just one of those freak occurrences. Scientists are studying it. 

NILES 

No that's not right. It's a long story. Is she here? 

MRS. MOON 

No she's not. 

NILES 

Where is she? 

MRS. MOON 

I'm not going to tell you. You stand more chance of laying an egg then finding that out. 

SIMON ENTERS FROM THE FRONT DOOR 

SIMON 

Has he gone yet? Oh hello Blinky, Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Simon. 

NIGEL ENTERS FROM THE FRONT DOOR AND STANDS WITH SIMON 

NIGEL 

What's going on? More bleedin' Jehovah's Witnesses? I'll get the pepper spray. 

SIMON 

It's Daphne's old man, Blinky. 

NIGEL 

Hey Peter get here, the American's are here. 

SIMON 

Blimey are we at war again. Have you brought us some bacon and a chocolate bar? I won't have to sleep with you will I? 

MRS. MOON 

She's done nothing but cry her heart out over you. Typical bloody yanks turn up to help out when the hard part's been done and take all the bleedin' credit. 

MRS. ETCHELLS ENTERS FROM THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR AND LEANS OVER THE WALL 

MRS. ETCHELLS 

Would you mind keeping the noise down? Some of us are trying to have a civilised afternoon. 

MRS. MOON 

Are you saying my family isn't civilised? 

MRS. ETCHELLS 

Yes. And I don't think there's a person down this street who wouldn't agree with me. Except the Vicar but you can't call him a pillar of the community since it was discovered that his coffee mornings are actually a cover for his key parties. 

SIMON 

Doesn't he invite you? 

MRS. ETCHELLS 

Not once...I mean why would I want to go to such a thing? 

MRS. MOON 

At least my kids don't crap on the lawn. 

MRS. ETCHELLS 

Charlotte has an extremely loose bowel. When nature calls she just has to go. Be that on the front lawn or on the steps of Parliament when we took that tour of London. She felt so guilty when we saw on the news that poor Tony Blair had slipped on it and broken his collarbone. 

MRS. MOON 

Then would you get her to stop doing it on my front step? 

MRS. ETCHELLS 

I'll have you know that's the cat. And I'm not about to start making him wear a nappy. I'll stop him as soon as you get your apish sons to stop urinating out of the upstairs windows into our car. 

SIMON 

That's the price you pay for having a convertible I'm afraid. 

FRASIER 

(SOTTO TO NILES) Meet the future in-laws Niles. At least we could run away and hide from them when she was marrying Donny. 

NIGEL 

It's not even a proper convertible. You've taken a Skoda and cut the roof off. 

ALAN ENTERS FROM THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR AND STANDS WITH MRS. ETCHELLS 

ALAN 

Would you mind not shouting at my mother. I don't need assault added to my Police record. 

NIGEL 

What to go with your other mister meaner of shagging a squirrel? I hope you bought it dinner and a movie. 

MRS. MOON 

I would mind actually. She should keep her nose out of other people's business. 

SIMON 

I'll handle this Mom. Listen why don't you just go back inside to your double bagger. She must be waiting for you. 

ALAN 

My what? 

SIMON 

You're girlfriend, your double bagger. She's so ugly, you have to wear a bag on your head in case her's rips. 

ALAN 

Why you! 

ALAN SWINGS AND GOES TO HIT SIMON BUT HE DUCKS AND ALAN UNFORTUNATELY PUNCHES NILES INSTEAD SENDING HIM SPRAWLING ACROSS THE GRASS 

MRS. ETCHELLS 

Now look what you've done. Alan get inside. 

MRS. ETCHELLS SLAPS ALAN'S HEAD AS THEY EXIT BACK INSIDE 

SIMON 

Bye bye lady boy. 

MRS. MOON 

(SHOUTS AT THE TOP OF HER VOICE) And wash your bleedin net curtains you dirty cow. You lower the whole tone of the bloody neighbourhood. 

SIMON, NIGEL AND MRS. MOON EXIT INDOORS LEAVING NILES LYING ON THE FLOOR AND FRASIER SITTING ON THE WALL 

FRASIER 

Well Niles you seem fine here so I'll just go back to the hotel and get some sleep. Damn this jet lag. 

FRASIER EXITS DOWN THE STREET AS NILES REMAINS ON THE FLOOR TRYING TO REGAIN HIS COMPOSURE. JUST AS HE GETS UP OFF THE FLOOR AND STARTS TO BRUSH HIMSELF DOWN A WOMEN WALKS PAST THE END OF THE STREET AND SLAPS HIM 

WOMEN 

How could you? Daphne's such a nice girl. 

AS NILES STANDS THERE SHELL SHOCKED WE: 

FADE OUT 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. MOON RESIDENCE LIVING ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/2   
(Mrs. Moon, Niles, Simon, Nigel, Frasier, Mrs. Etchells, Mr. Moon, Giggsey) 

SIMON AND NIGEL SIT ON THE COUCH ON THE BACK WALL WITH THEIR FEET UP ON THE TABLE WATCHING THE TELEVISION. TO THE RIGHT IS THE FRONT DOOR, TO THE LEFT IS THE STAIRS, DOORWAY LEADING TO THE KITCHEN AND A SET OF TABLE AND CHAIRS. NILES SITS ON ONE OF THE CHAIRS WITH HIS HEAD HELD BACK WITH A STEAK COVERING HIS EYE. MRS. MOON STANDS WITH HIM POKING THE STEAK 

MRS. MOON 

Let's have a look at your eye. (SHOUTS) Oh my God! 

NILES 

(PANICS) What is it? Do I need to call a plastic surgeon? 

MRS. MOON 

I paid a fortune for these steaks and look at the fat on this one. It looks as if it has cellulite. Look at that. 

NILES 

I've been examining it very closely thank you. This portion of the cow is extremely pretty to look at, especially when it's separated from the cow, dripping with blood and pressed up against my face. 

MRS. MOON SLAPS THE STEAK BACK ONTO NILES' FACE RATHER VIOLENTLY WHICH MAKES HIM FLINCH AND WINCE AT THE PAIN 

MRS. MOON 

Ingrate. Daphne was right about you being a fussy bleeder. 

NILES 

(CONCERNED) How bad is it? 

MRS. MOON 

You'll live. Pity. Although I have a feeling your eyes are going to be a little lopsided from now on. 

SIMON 

Is tea ready Mom? I'm starving. 

NILES 

How do you eat tea? Don't you drink it? 

SIMON 

Come on Blinky. Tea as in dinner. Don't you speak English? 

NILES 

Apparently not. I've never heard Daphne call it that. 

MRS. MOON 

No it's not ready. 

SIMON 

Why? 

POINTING AT NILES 

MRS. MOON 

Because your tea is on his face. And that grill's not big enough to shove a human head into. Although I'm willing to give it a go if he don't mind. I'll cook it for you after he's finished with it if you still want it. 

NIGEL 

Thanks a lot Blinky. We're going to waste away here. 

NILES 

It's Niles not Blinky. 

NIGEL 

So what are we eating? 

MRS. MOON 

One of you will have to go down the chippy. He got his license back yesterday. They only found one rat in the fat fryer and that's not enough to shut him down permanently. But there was some concern over his pink eye. 

NILES 

Mrs. Moon I hate to impose. I've already ruined your meal plans and caused a rift between you and your neighbours so can you please just tell me where she is so I can get out of your way? 

MRS. MOON 

No. After what you've done you're lucky I've been so nice. 

NILES 

So far you've soaked me in water, beat me with a broom and got your neighbour to punch me. I don't think I've ever been quite so lucky in my life. 

MRS. MOON 

And you think that's bad? I've got a splinter in my finger from that broom thanks to you. If I die from it she'll never speak to you again not that she's likely to anyway. 

NILES 

Then I apologise. Is there anyway that you'll tell me? 

MRS. MOON 

Buy me a house on Maui and maybe we'll talk. 

NILES 

Mrs. Moon I can't stretch to that. 

MRS. MOON EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

SIMON 

You obviously don't want her back very desperately then do you Blinky? 

SIMON EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN FOLLOWED BY NIGEL WHO BOTH GLARE AT NILES AS THEY GO 

NILES 

I just want a chance to explain. Will anyone listen to me? 

GIGGSEY, A RATHER LARGE LABRADOR THEN COMES RUNNING IN FROM OUTSIDE AND NOTICING NILES JUMPS UP ONTO HIS LAP. NILES IS IMMEDIATELY RATHER REPULSED BY THE DOG AND PULLS HIS FACE AS FAR AWAY FROM HIS AS POSSIBLE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Anyone else? Preferably someone whose breath doesn't smell as if they've spent the afternoon... pleasuring themselves. 

GIGGSEY THEN STARTS TO RUB HIMSELF UP NILES AND HE BATTLES IN VAIN TO GET HIM OFF HIS LAP 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Good boy get down. Get down. Oh all right fine. I have to have this suit dry cleaned anyway after being forced to sit in coach for nearly twenty-four hours. God knows what kind of germs I picked up from there. 

NIGEL 

(OFF STAGE) Don't let him rub up you. 

NILES 

Why? Does he have fleas? 

SIMON 

(OFF STAGE) Not at the moment. But he does have a bad case of worms. 

NILES THEN TRIES DESPERATELY TO PUSH THE DOG OFF HIS LAP. THIS ONLY GETS HIM TO NOTICE THE STEAK THAT NILES IS STILL BALANCING OVER HIS EYE. AFTER SEVERAL ATTEMPTS IN WHICH HE CAN'T QUITE REACH IT, THE DOG EVENTUALLY MANAGES TO GRAB THE STEAK AND JUMPS OFF NILES' LAP AND STARTS TO CHEW IT ON THE FLOOR. 

NILES 

Fine have it. Do you ever wonder why you have worms? 

SIMON 

(OFF STAGE) Can't we still have these steaks? Just give the one Blinky has on his face to Dad. 

MRS. MOON 

(OFF STAGE) I can't do that. He'll be able to tell. 

NIGEL 

(OFF STAGE) He couldn't tell when we gave him Giggsey's dog food for his tea on April Fool's Day. He had seconds and thirds that night. 

MRS. MOON 

(OFF STAGE) Oh all right. But don't tell him. 

NILES HEARING THIS SUDDENLY LEAPS OUT OF HIS CHAIR IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO GET THE STEAK OFF GIGGSEY. NILES TRIES TO PULL IT OUT OF HIS MOUTH BUT HE WON'T LET GO. HE PULLS SO HARD THAT THE DOG IS NEARLY LIFTED OFF THE GROUND. EVENTUALLY GIGGSEY LETS GO AND THE FORCE MAKES THE STEAK FLY BACK AND SLAP NILES IN THE FACE. NILES THEN RECOVERS HIS COMPOSURE AND SITS BACK DOWN BEFORE PUTTING THE STEAK BACK OVER HIS EYE. BEFORE THE STEAK MAKES CONTACT WITH HIS FACE HE NOTICES THE AMOUNT OF DOG DROOL ON IT. HE QUICKLY TAKES HIS HANDKERCHIEF OUT OF HIS POCKET AND WIPES THE STEAK DOWN WITH IT BEFORE PUTTING IT BACK ON HIS FACE. 

SFX: PHONE RINGING

MRS. MOON ENTERS AND PICKS UP THE PHONE 

MRS. MOON 

(ON THE PHONE) Hello? Oh yes, just a second. (TO NILES) You're brothers on the blower for you. 

NILES 

Excuse me? 

NIGEL 

(OFF STAGE) He's on the phone. 

MRS. MOON EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN AS NILES GETS UP, TAKES THE STEAK OFF HIS FACE AND PICKS UP THE PHONE 

NILES 

Oh right. Hello Frasier? 

FRASIER (V.O.) 

Hi Niles how's it's going? 

NILES 

Apart from a dog trying to eat a steak off my face, being constantly called Blinky and every person in this house refusing to tell me where she is, just fine. 

FRASIER (V.O.) 

Maybe it's time that you changed tactics. 

NILES 

I would Frasier but they wouldn't let me bring my cattle prod into the country. 

FRASIER (V.O.) 

I'm sure we could get you one but for the sake of it let's call that plan B. Niles just try to spend some time with them. Pretty soon they'll realise what a nice person you are, let you explain and tell you where she is. 

SIMON AND NIGEL RE-ENTER AND SIT BACK ON THE COUCH 

NILES 

Do you think so? 

FRASIER (V.O.) 

At the moment I do but I have just had a glass of brandy and a couple of sleeping tablets. 

NILES 

Thank you Frasier you're always a help. 

NILES HANGS UP THE PHONE AND THEN WONDERS OVER TO SIMON AND NIGEL, PLAYFULLY PUNCHING THEM ON THE ARM TO BECOME ONE OF THE BOYS 

NILES (CONT'D) 

So guys, mates, pals. Are you going to a game this weekend? 

SIMON 

Nope the seasons finished. 

NILES 

Manchester City right? 

NIGEL 

(DISGUSTED) Wash your mouth out with soap. We're United boys we are. The one and only team in Manchester I'll have you know. Champions 

SIMON/NIGEL 

(SINGING LOUDLY) United, United, United, United. 

SFX: POUNDING ON THE WALL FROM THE NEIGHBOURS

MRS. ETCHELLS (V.O) 

(OFF STAGE) Keep that bloody noise down you bunch of animals. 

MRS. MOON ENTERS WITH A BROOM AND STARTS TO HIT THE WALL WITH IT 

MRS. MOON (V.O) 

(SHOUTS) Oh shut it. Do we complain when you're humping the milkman up the wall and making our plates fall down off the shelf? 

MR. ETCHELLS 

(OFF STAGE, SHOUTS) What? 

NIGEL AND SIMON START TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY AS NILES LOOKS SHELL SHOCKED ONCE AGAIN 

SIMON 

Nice one Mom. 

MRS. MOON SLAPS BOTH SIMON AND NIGEL AROUND THE BACK OF THE HEAD 

MRS. MOON 

Get your feet off the table. 

THEY BOTH REMOVE THEIR FEET FROM THE TABLE AND RUB THEIR HEADS AS MR. MOON ENTERS FROM DOWN THE STAIRS BUT REMAINS BY THE DOORWAY UNSEEN BY NILES 

NILES 

(BEGINNING TO GET DESPERATE) Mrs. Moon will you please just let me explain? 

MRS. MOON 

Go on then I could use a good laugh. 

MRS. MOON THEN SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH TO LISTEN 

NILES 

This is all very unfortunate. I've been planning to propose for several weeks to Daphne but I kept backing out. When I was finally about to do it Roz swallowed the engagement ring. 

SIMON 

We hear that wasn't the only thing. 

NILES 

It was just a misunderstanding. I was only spending time with Roz to get the ring back. It was a case of crossed lines of communications. Do you believe me? 

MRS. MOON, SIMON AND NIGEL SIT IN SILENCE FOR A MOMENT THINKING. THEY THEN ALL TURN TO LOOK AT EACH OTHER BEFORE STARING BACK AT NILES AND BURSTING OUT LAUGHING 

MRS. MOON 

You've had nearly a week. Surely you could have thought of something better then that. 

MRS. MOON EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN 

NILES 

But it's true. Why won't anyone believe me? 

SIMON 

Because it's stupid. 

NIGEL 

And look who's talking. 

MR. MOON FINALLY ENTERS THE ROOM AND WALKS UP BEHIND NILES CAUSING HIM TO JUMP WHEN HE FIRST SPEAKS 

MR. MOON 

Hello, and who's this? Oh wait Niles isn't it? 

NILES 

Yes that's right. 

MR. MOON 

That's funny, the way Daphne described you when she came back I expected you to have much smaller hands and feet. 

MR. MOON EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

SIMON 

He likes you. 

NILES 

Oh joy. Well thank you for you hospitality Mrs. Moon, but the jet lag is really beginning to catch up on me. 

MRS. MOON ENTERS AND PICKS UP THE STEAK OFF THE TABLE 

MRS. MOON 

I see, you ruin me steak and then sod off. Go on then. 

MRS. MOON EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN AS NILES MOVES TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR 

SIMON 

Hey Blinky. 

NILES 

Just out of curiosity why do you call me Blinky? 

SIMON 

You just look like a Blinky. 

NILES 

Well may I advise in the event of ever having children you let your wife name them? 

SIMON 

Do you want to come out to the boozer with the boys tomorrow? 

NILES 

If I do will it help me find out where Daphne is? 

NIGEL 

Maybe. 

NILES 

Then the first round is on me. 

SIMON 

I've got news for you. If you want to know where she is all rounds are on you. And bring Roz. 

AS NILES EXITS OUT THE FRONT DOOR WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(F) 

FADE IN: 

INT. MOON RESIDENCE LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Mr. Moon, Daphne) 

MR. MOON SITS ON THE COUCH TALKING ON THE PHONE RATHER QUIETLY SO THAT NO ONE ELSE IN THE HOUSE HEARS 

MR. MOON 

Hello love. 

RESET TO: 

INT. RESTAURANT — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE SITS ON HER OWN IN A CROWDED RESTAURANT TALKING ON HER CELL PHONE 

DAPHNE 

Hi Dad. 

MR. MOON (V.O.) 

I'll cut right to the chase Niles has been here today. 

DAPHNE 

What did he want? 

MR. MOON (V.O.) 

What do you think he wanted? 

DAPHNE 

Castrating? 

RESET TO: 

INT. MOON RESIDENCE LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

MR. MOON 

Honey I think you should speak to him. At least hear him out. 

DAPHNE (V.O.) 

I don't know if I can. He doesn't know where I am does he? 

MR. MOON 

Not at the moment, but it won't be long. Will you just think about coming to see him first? 

RESET TO: 

INT. RESTAURANT - CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE 

I don't know. 

MR. MOON (V.O.) 

He's doing some major sucking up to your mother and brothers, I think it's worth it. He loves you. 

DAPHNE 

I'll think about it. 

AS DAPHNE BIDS HER FATHER GOOD BYE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(G) 

FADE IN: 

INT. THE DIGBY PUB — NIGHT — DAY/3   
(Niles, Martin, Frasier, Roz, Bartender, Simon, Nigel, Peter, Mr. Moon, Billy, Michael, Lisa, Reginald) 

SIMON, NIGEL, PETER, BILLY, MICHAEL, REGINALD AND MR. MOON FORM PART OF A LARGER GROUP OF PEOPLE TO THE FAR RIGHT OF THE PUB NEXT TO A DART BOARD. THE BAR STRETCHES ACROSS THE MAJORITY OF THE BACK WALL, WITH THE ENTRANCE AND THE BATHROOMS ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE. A BARTENDER SERVES SEVERAL CUSTOMERS IN THE ALREADY FULL PUB AS NILES, FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ ENTER. AS YOU WOULD EXPECT FRASIER AND NILES LOOK ABSOLUTELY APPALLED AT THEIR SURROUNDINGS 

NILES 

Oh dear God. They really want to torture me for this. I don't think you're allowed in here without at least one felony conviction. 

MARTIN 

Just be nice. It's the only way you'll find out where she is. 

FRASIER 

Why are the floors sticky? 

NILES 

I don't know I don't want to know. Just be careful you don't fall down. You may stick to it permanently. And I should hate to have to leave you here, but if I have to I will. 

ROZ 

Oh my God there's Simon. Hide me. 

FRASIER 

Where exactly? I didn't put my clown trousers with the giant pockets on today. 

ROZ 

God do I have to think of everything? I wonder how you manage to put your pants on yourself without having a seizure. 

ROZ STANDS BEHIND FRASIER AND PULLS HIS COAT OVER HER HEAD 

FRASIER 

And how do I explain exactly that I've developed a hump in the last twenty-four hours since he's seen me? 

ROZ 

Trust me he's not that observant. 

NILES 

Just tell them we had to fly coach. That explains everything. I'm surprised that experience hasn't made us start to groom each other and drink from aluminium cans. 

FRASIER 

Roz will you get out of there. I have no desire to become a pantomime horse. 

ROZ PULLS HIS COAT OFF HER HEAD BUT STILL HIDES BEHIND HIM 

MARTIN 

Are you going to be alright on your own? 

NILES 

I'll be fine I just have to jump through their hoops. Buy them plenty of drinks and hope they let it slip. 

ROZ 

And pick on the weak ones, to get information. If you have any trouble send one of them over here and I'll squeeze it out of them. I haven't filed my nails for a while. 

NILES 

I see all those years at Nazi training camp have really paid off for you Roz. Wish me luck. 

AS NILES JOINS THE MOON'S, MARTIN, FRASIER AND ROZ MOVE TOWARDS THE BAR 

MARTIN 

Can I have a beer please? 

BARTENDER 

Any particular kind? 

MARTIN 

Is there any chance you have ballantine? 

FRASIER 

(SOTTO TO THE BARTENDER) Just say yes and give him anything. 

THE CAMERA NOW FOCUSES ON NILES AND THE MOON'S 

NILES 

Hello all. 

SIMON 

Blinky! Everyone this is Daphne's ex. 

NILES 

Ex? 

NIGEL 

You did shag her mate, mate. Or have you forgotten? 

PETER 

Let's get him a drink. What do you want? 

NILES 

Just a sherry thank you. 

EVERYONE STOPS AND STARES AT HIM 

NILES (CONT'D) 

I mean a pint of whatever you're drinking. Which looks like a glass of foamy tar. How nice. 

PETER 

It's called Guinness. 

BARTENDER 

What's with the American invasion tonight? Since when's Manchester been a tourist location? 

MR. MOON 

I didn't think we had any tourist attractions apart from where that IRA bomb went off. 

BILLY 

This is Daphne's fella and his family from Seattle. 

BARTENDER 

I didn't know our Daph was seeing anyone since she dumped her fiancé. I'm not surprised though she's obviously been wearing that new type of underwear. 

NILES 

Excuse me? 

BARTENDER 

You know that new line in women's underwear. One yank and they're off. 

NILES 

That's very amusing. 

THE CAMERA NOW ANGLES ON FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ WHO ARE SITTING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE PUB WATCHING 

ROZ 

It's like watching a lamb go to slaughter. Lucky us we have front row seats. Do you think they'll stop the action for toilet breaks? 

FRASIER 

I just feel as if I should help him some how. Surely there's someone we can talk to. 

MARTIN 

There's nothing we can do. If they won't tell him they're not going to tell us. All he's got to do is have a few drinks with the boys and one of them will let it slip. 

ROZ 

Oh my God. It's the room service guy from our hotel. How's my hair? Like I've been dragged through a bush? 

FRASIER 

It looks fine. Although I'd suggest you check your teeth. 

ROZ 

Why? 

FRASIER 

Because in England they have teeth checks instead of coat checks. Why do you think? You have half a donut sticking out between them. 

AS ROZ COVERS HER MOUTH AND RUNS OFF TOWARDS THE BATHROOM THE CAMERA ANGLES BACK ON NILES AND THE MOON'S. MICHAEL PASSES NILES A BOWL OF PEANUTS 

MICHAEL 

How about a bit of a Manchester delicacy? 

NILES 

Sure I'd love to. Well these are just peanuts. 

NIGEL 

But these are different they're specially prepared here. They even have a unique brand name. 

NILES 

What's that? 

NILES STARTS TO EAT A HAND FULL OF THE PEANUTS 

MICHAEL 

Well we had them analysed and so now we call them twenty-seven different varieties of urine. Do you think it'll catch on? 

NILES SPITS THE PEANUTS BACK OUT ACROSS THE ROOM 

MR. MOON 

Hey come on leave the boy alone. 

SIMON 

Why don't you bring the boys over here? They shouldn't be sitting on their own. Hey Frasier, Marty come and join us. 

FRASIER AND MARTIN NOW JOIN THE REST OF THE GROUP 

FRASIER 

OK, thank you. Can I get anyone a drink? 

SIMON 

(SOTTO TO BILLY) I told you it was a good idea to invite them here. We're going to get tattered and we don't have to spend a penny. I'm going to wake up in the morning, drunk in a ditch and have no idea how I got there. 

NILES 

No thanks Frasier I've already got one. 

PETER 

And now you've got two. Drink up, there's another on the way. 

PETER THEN HANDS NILES A SECOND PINT AS LISA ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

MR. MOON 

Eye'up Reginald, your missus is here. 

LISA 

Reginald Moon get here, I have a bone to pick with you. I saw you kissing Maggie at the Trafford Centre this morning. 

REGINALD 

I was not! I was only giving her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. 

LISA 

You thought she was dead? 

REGINALD 

No I thought you were dead. 

LISA 

I don't believe you! I'm leaving. 

LISA GETS DISTRACTED WHEN SHE NOTICES NILES 

LISA (CONT'D) 

Oh hello. (RECOGNISING HIM) Are you Niles? 

NILES 

Yes. 

LISA SLAPS NILES ACROSS THE FACE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Thank you. 

LISA 

You're welcome. 

LISA EXITS WITH REGINALD CLOSELY FOLLOWING 

NILES 

Frasier, Dad this is Daphne's father. Mr. Moon this is my father Martin and my brother Frasier. 

MR. MOON 

Evening. 

ROZ APPROACHES THE GROUP AND SIMON IMMEDIATELY MOVES TOWARDS HER 

SIMON 

Hello Roz. 

ROZ 

Before you even think about it, no. I'd rather have sex with a gopher then with you. 

SIMON 

I've been known to play a round or two of crazy golf. 

ROZ 

Gopher not golfer. 

SIMON 

But you slept with Blinky here. 

ROZ 

I did not I just ate his ring. 

SIMON 

So that's what they're calling it these days. 

NILES 

So have you seen Daphne? Is she OK? 

PETER 

Boy are you whipped. 

NILES 

Only on Sundays. Come on Peter, do you know anything? 

PETER 

I did see her. But I can't tell you where she is. Mom will have me tongue trapped in the letterbox if I do. 

NILES 

Did she say anything about me? 

BILLY 

Nothing that you'll want to hear mate. It wasn't very flattering. 

FRASIER 

Where's your room service guy? 

ROZ 

That's not going to work out. 

MARTIN 

Don't worry about it. Maybe you're just not his type. 

ROZ 

Evidently, he's over there making out with the bellboy. 

MARTIN 

And you drew that conclusion from that? 

ROZ 

Simon get your hands off my ass! 

SIMON 

Sorry I thought it was someone else's. 

ROZ 

Who? I'm the only woman here. 

NILES STARTS TO SIP FROM HIS PINT AS NIGEL SLAPS HIS BACK 

NIGEL 

Come on Blinky knock them back. 

NILES OBEDIENTLY TRIES TO DRINK THE ENTIRE GLASS 

MR. MOON 

(SOTTO TO FRASIER) Watch they don't get him too drunk. 

FRASIER 

Go easy there Niles. 

NILES 

It's OK Frasier I can hold my liquor. 

AS NILES CONTINUES TO DRINK HIS PINT WE: 

FADE OUT: 

(H) 

TITLE CARD: 'DANCING IN THE MOONLIGHT' 

FADE IN: 

INT. THE DIGBY PUB — NIGHT — DAY/3   
(Niles, Simon, Frasier, Martin, Roz, Peter, Nigel, Michael, Billy, Mr. Moon) 

NILES STANDS ON THE BAR WITH HIS TIE AROUND HIS HEAD LIKE RAMBO, HIS JACKET TIED AROUND HIS SHOULDERS LIKE A CAPE DOWNING ANOTHER PINT ALMOST IN ONE AS THE MAJORITY OF THE BAR INCLUDING ALL THE MOON BOYS CHANTS AND ENCOURAGES HIM. NILES EMPTIES HIS GLASS AND THEN STANDS IT UPSIDE DOWN ON HIS HEAD 

NILES 

Who's the man? I can drink just like the Moon boys. 

SIMON 

But can you moon just like the Moon boys? 

NILES 

Is that a challenge? 

THE CAMERA THEN CUTS AWAY TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BAR AS FRASIER AND MARTIN HIDE THEIR FACES IN SHAME AND ROZ SITS LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY. AS MARTIN STARTS TO SHAKE HIS HEAD A LOUD CHEER COMES FROM THE REST OF THE BAR AS PRESUMABLY NILES HAS REMOVED HIS PANTS AND WE: 

FADE OUT 

(I) 

TITLE CARD: 'THE SAME THING HAPPENED TO FREUD, ONLY HIS SAID MOTHER' 

FADE IN: 

INT. NILES' HOTEL ROOM — MORNING — DAY/4   
(Frasier, Roz, Martin, Niles, Elderly Couple) 

NILES LIES FACED DOWN IN BED WITH HIS HEAD AT THE FOOT OF THE BED WEARING JUST HIS SHIRT AND HIS UNDERWEAR. FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ ENTER FROM THE FRONT DOOR LEAVING IT OPEN AND HOVER AROUND NILES. FRASIER EVENTUALLY SITS ON THE SIDE OF THE BED AND POKES NILES 

FRASIER 

Niles, Niles. 

ROZ 

I think he's dead. He was only going to survive with that stick permanently stuck up his ass for a while anyway without it killing him. Although he certainly let loose last night. 

MARTIN 

He's not dead. He'd have started to smell already if he was. 

FRASIER 

Oh he smells all right, like a beer factory. Is he breathing? 

MARTIN 

That's what his chest going up and down normally signifies. 

FRASIER 

He might have a cat sleeping on his chest. 

MARTIN 

And when's the last time that happened? 

FRASIER 

What that a cat slept on his chest? 

ROZ 

No that you used your brain. How would a cat get through that window? Do you think it came from the toilet? Sewer cats aren't a major problem in England. 

FRASIER 

Niles, Niles. 

FRASIER PICKS UP NILES' HEAD BEFORE DROPPING IT CAUSING IT TO BOUNCE UP AND DOWN ON THE MATTRESS 

NILES 

(VERY GROGGY) Ahh. What are you doing here? And why is it so bright in here? Oh my God, my head. Stop blinking you're making too much noise. 

FRASIER 

Niles there's more light shinning between your ears. 

MARTIN 

We wanted to know if they told you where she was. You bought them enough beer for them to actually bring her to you on a silver platter. 

NILES 

If they did I can't remember now. I barely know what my name is and where I am let alone where Daphne is. My mouth tastes like what can only be described as a dead dog. 

ROZ 

You must have had a good night then. You can always guess that when your mouth tastes like some sort of dead animal. 

FRASIER 

Unless it tastes of pig because you could conclude that you've just eaten breakfast. 

NILES 

I don't remember anything from last night after that game of darts when Simon got his head stuck in the legs of that bar stool. 

MARTIN 

Which one? He did that twice. 

ROZ 

Only because he was trying to look up my skirt. 

MARTIN 

Was it the game when you nearly stabbed that guy in the backside with one of the darts? 

NILES 

I don't remember that. I didn't make a fool of myself did I? 

FRASIER 

Erm...not while we were there you didn't. 

ROZ 

And I'm the Queen of England. 

MARTIN 

Now come on freshen up, we've got to get round there. Her father invited us round for lunch. 

NILES ROLLS OVER TO SIT UP, BUT THEN SHOUTS WITH PAIN AND ROLLS BACK OVER AGAIN 

NILES 

Oh my God, I feel so sore. 

ROZ 

I'm not surprised you have a sore head; you drank me under the table. I've never been prouder of you. 

NILES 

I don't mean my head. Although if I move it I'm afraid it may fall off. My backside really hurts. I didn't stab myself with a dart did I? 

MARTIN 

No but you did try to put your pants on a beer barrel after you fell off the bar. 

NILES 

I thought you said I didn't do anything stupid. Someone look and see what's wrong. 

FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ STARE AT NILES AND THEN AT EACH OTHER 

NILES (CONT'D) 

What are those looks for? I'd do it myself but I'm not possessed by a demon today. 

FRASIER 

Well go on Dad. 

MARTIN 

I'm not doing it. I don't want to see that. 

FRASIER 

But you're his father. You used to change his diapers. 

MARTIN 

And he's also forty-two now, so I'm going to have to pass. You look, you two are so close. 

FRASIER 

We're not that close. If we ever get so close that we start checking each other's prostates you have permission to shoot me. 

NILES 

By the way I don't find any of this the slightest bit insulting. 

FRASIER 

Go on Roz. 

ROZ 

There are some things that even I won't do. I'm not even related, this is a job for you two. 

NILES 

For God's sake someone just look at my ass and tell me whether or not I've had a dart sticking out of it. 

MARTIN 

No. 

FRASIER 

Oh you've seen hookers chopped up and scattered around warehouses surely that's more traumatising then looking at Niles' butt. 

MARTIN 

Do you want to put money on it? 

ROZ 

Frasier you should do it, you went to medical school. 

FRASIER 

But I focus on the head not the lower parts of the anatomy. That way I avoid situations like this. 

NILES 

(SHOUTS) For God's sake someone look at my ass. 

AN ELDERLY COUPLE WALK PAST THE DOOR AND SHARE SHOCKED EXPRESSIONS 

ROZ 

Oh fine I'll do it. Why should I keep my eyesight? I only have a child that I can miss seeing grow up. 

ROZ WALKS AROUND TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BED AND LIFTS UP THE SHEET. HER HAND IMMEDIATELY COVERS HER MOUTH AS SHE LAUGHS TO HERSELF 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Oh my God. 

NILES 

(PANICKING) What is it? Is it a dart? 

ROZ NOW STARTS TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY 

FRASIER 

What are you laughing it? 

NILES 

Someone sedate her and find out what's going on. I've been stabbed haven't I? 

ROZ 

Niles you have a tattoo. 

NILES 

I what? 

FRASIER 

Let me see. 

MARTIN 

Let's have a look. 

FRASIER AND MARTIN RUN AROUND TO LOOK AND THEN JOIN ROZ IN LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY AT IT 

NILES 

Oh nice now you can read it you all want a look. Are you sure it's a tattoo? Maybe it's just a cluster of moles. 

ROZ 

No it's a tattoo. If it was a cluster of moles you'd have had a front page story in the National Enquirer by now. 

NILES 

Are you sure it's not newspaper print? 

ROZ 

Positive. 

NILES 

Maybe it's religious. I could be the second coming. 

MARTIN 

Not likely. 

NILES PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS 

NILES 

How could this have happened? (SUDDENLY REALISING AND LOOKING UP) Oh no. I remember lying down on a bed after we got thrown out of the pub. Oh and a hairy bald man coming towards me with no teeth and a large needle. Why didn't you bring me back to the hotel? 

FRASIER 

You wanted to stop there. 

NILES 

What is it? 

FRASIER 

It's a heart and two names. 

NILES 

Whose names? 

FRASIER 

It says Blinky loves Stilts. Are you going to have that printed on the wedding invitations? 

FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ ALL START TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY AS NILES GETS UP AND RUNS AND EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM 

NILES 

(OFF STAGE) Let me see. Oh my God. I can't go to the wine club with a tattoo. Major Peterson was banned after he was caught wearing a t-shirt under his shirt instead of a vest. 

ROZ 

At least you had a good evening. 

AS NILES RE-ENTERS SHAKING HIS HEAD AND RUBBING HIS BACKSIDE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(J) 

TITLE CARD: 'WHO'S IN THE DOG HOUSE? YOU, YOU, YOU' 

FADE IN: 

INT. MOON RESIDENCE LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/4   
(Peter, Billy, Nigel, Mrs. Moon, Niles, Michael, Simon, Frasier, Roz, Martin, Mr. Moon, Daphne, Giggsey) 

PETER, BILLY, NIGEL, MICHAEL, AND SIMON SIT AROUND WATCHING THE TELEVISION AS MRS. MOON POLISHES THE TABLE. SUDDENLY GIGGSEY RUNS IN AND STARTS TO ROLL ON THE CARPET IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION 

MRS. MOON 

What's the dog got in his mouth? I've told you before if he's got rabies, move the fence so he can get into next doors garden and give it them. 

BILLY 

Giggsey come here. Oh my God could you be anymore disgusting? 

BILLY PULLS SOMETHING FROM OUT OF GIGGSEY'S MOUTH 

NIGEL 

Not without being Simon. 

MRS. MOON 

What is it? 

BILLY 

Something formally a slug. 

MRS. MOON 

Well pick it up off the floor. I don't want it trampled into the carpet. It's bad enough I sucked that mouse up the vacuum hose when he brought one in, I don't want to have to suck up a slug as well. I still see its tail whizzing around the vacuum cleaner. 

BILLY 

Where do you suggest I put it? 

SFX: DOORBELL

MICHAEL GETS UP AND EXITS TO ANSWER THE DOOR 

MRS. MOON 

I don't care anywhere but on the carpet. But don't put it in anyone's bed. 

BILLY PUTS IT IN A TEA CUP ON THE TABLE 

RESET TO: 

EXT. MOON RESIDENCE FRONT GARDEN — CONTINUOUS

MICHAEL ANSWERS THE DOOR TO NILES, FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ

NILES 

Where is Simon? 

NILES PUSHES PAST MICHAEL AND EXITS INSIDE 

MICHAEL 

Oh hello Blink it was nice talking to you as well. 

RESET TO: 

INT. MOON RESIDENCE LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

EVERYONE SITS AS BEFORE AS NILES ENTERS

NILES 

(SHOUTS AT SIMON) What the hell did you do to my ass?! 

SIMON 

Keep your voice down Blink this is how rumours get started. 

NILES 

How could you? 

MICHAEL, FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ ENTER

SIMON 

You were all up for the idea last night. You dragged us in there in the end. You couldn't wait to drop your trousers. 

NILES 

I was drunk if you couldn't tell. 

SIMON 

How was I supposed to know that you don't wear your trousers on your head normally? I'm not bleedin' psychic you know that's Daphne. 

FRASIER 

If only there had been some clue. 

SIMON 

You should be thanking me. You originally wanted it on your forehead. 

NILES 

Look, guys, you've soaked me, hit me, beat me, inebriated me, made me completely humiliate myself and now tattooed me and I've only been here two days. Isn't that enough? Please just tell me where she is. 

MRS. MOON 

Don't you dare. 

ROZ SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH BETWEEN SIMON AND PETER BUT SIMON SLIPS HIS HAND UNDER HER BACKSIDE FIRST AS MRS. MOON EXITS UPSTAIRS 

ROZ 

Simon move your hand now before I snap it off! 

SIMON 

Sorry it's just an automatic reflex. 

SIMON REMOVES HIS HAND 

PETER 

I'll tell you what, now that Mom's gone. Since you got the beer in last night, we'll let you know where she is. 

NILES 

Really? 

PETER 

Under one condition. 

NILES 

Which is? 

PETER 

Eat this slug. 

NILES 

Excuse me? 

PETER 

Eat the slug. 

ROZ 

This trip just keeps getting better and better. 

FRASIER 

Firstly why do you even have a slug in a teacup? 

BILLY 

Mom didn't want it left on the carpet. 

FRASIER SITS DOWN ON THE CHAIR TO THE RIGHT OF THE COUCH 

FRASIER 

Why was it on the carpet? 

BILLY 

Giggsey brought it in. 

FRASIER 

Who on earth is Giggsey? 

GIGGSEY JUMPS UP OFF THE FLOOR AND JUMPS ALL OVER FRASIER 

MICHAEL 

That would be the dog who is now sitting on your head. I'd keep me mouth shut if I were you Doc. He has a tendency to get a little over excited in company. 

NILES 

Not to mention he has worms. 

RESET TO: 

INT. MOON RESIDENCE KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

MR. MOON LEANS UP THE KITCHEN COUNTER READING THE NEWSPAPER AS MARTIN ENTERS

MARTIN 

Hi there. 

MR. MOON 

Hello. Does that mean your boy is here as well? 

MARTIN 

Yeah. 

MR. MOON 

Good 

MARTIN 

The boys are trying to make him eat a slug. 

MR. MOON 

Well boys will be boys. 

MARTIN 

That's right, except for my boys who will be very big girls. 

THEY BOTH LAUGH 

MR. MOON 

Can I get you a beer. 

RESET TO: 

INT. MOON RESIDENCE LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

EVERYONE REMAINS AS BEFORE 

NILES 

I am not eating a slug. 

PETER 

Do you want to know where she is or not? 

NILES 

Of course but... 

FRASIER 

Will someone get this dog off me! 

SIMON 

Don't force him, it'll just get his blood up. 

ROZ 

I see it takes after you then. 

BILLY PICKS THE DOG OFF FRASIER AND PUTS HIM ON THE FLOOR 

NILES 

This is ridiculous. 

ROZ 

You eat snails. 

NILES 

Surely even you Roz can see the difference between escargot prepared at a five star restaurant and a slug chewed by a dog from out of the garden. 

ROZ 

Stop being so picky. 

NILES 

I am not eating a slug. 

NIGEL 

How about a frog? I'm sure we could find one of them in the garden. 

NILES 

No! I'm not eating anything. 

FRASIER 

It wouldn't hurt Niles. You've eaten frog's legs before. 

NILES 

Stop encouraging them! 

MR. MOON AND MARTIN ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN AS MRS. MOON COMES BACK DOWN THE STAIRS 

MR. MOON 

(ANGRY) You made him get a tattoo? 

BILLY 

We did not. He wanted to do it. Yes we tried to get his tongue pierced, but he passed out before we had the chance. 

MRS. MOON 

Let's have a look. 

NILES 

I'd rather not. 

MARTIN 

It's on his butt. 

MRS. MOON 

Come on let me see. 

NILES 

No 

FRASIER 

Niles come on be nice. 

NILES 

How is flashing everyone in the room being nice? 

ROZ 

You've soon changed your tune, you wanted everyone to look at it this morning. 

PETER 

And last night 

MICHAEL 

That little old lady will be traumatised for life. You even showed the garden gnome in next doors front garden. 

ROZ 

Oh that's why he has a white cane. 

NILES 

That's a fishing pole. Blind people don't normally have fish carcases hanging off the end of their canes. 

MRS. MOON 

Clive would have done it. 

NILES 

Clive? 

MRS. MOON 

We were all rather partial to Clive. I really should phone him and tell him Daphne's back. 

NILES 

Oh fine. 

NILES DROPS HIS TROUSERS AROUND HIS ANKLES AND THEN PULLS HIS SHORTS DOWN A LITTLE 

MRS. MOON 

How romantic. 

ROZ 

I have to have another look. This is just the funniest thing I've ever seen. 

ROZ KNEELS BEHIND NILES AND HAS ANOTHER LOOK 

MRS. MOON 

Does it hurt? 

NILES 

Only if you... 

MRS. MOON SLAPS IT 

NILES (CONT'D) 

(WINCING WITH PAIN) Touch it. 

ROZ CONTINUES TO LOOK AT IT AS DAPHNE ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

DAPHNE 

Hello all. Have you got room for another two for dinner? 

DAPHNE SEES NILES AND THE SCENE AND FREEZES 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Niles? 

NILES 

Oh my God Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

(UPSET) What are you...? 

NILES 

Daphne this is not what it looks like. 

DAPHNE 

Like hell it doesn't. 

DAPHNE RUNS AND EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

NILES 

Daphne! 

NILES TRIES TO RUN BUT CAN'T BECAUSE HIS TROUSERS ARE STILL AROUND HIS ANKLES, HE BENDS AND TRIES TO PULL THEM UP 

FRASIER 

Forget your pants just go after her. 

NILES PULLS HIS FEET OUT OF HIS TROUSERS AND EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AFTER DAPHNE 

MR. MOON 

That's done it this time. Bloody typical. I knew I should have invited her to the pub last night. 

MARTIN 

You got her to come here? 

MRS. MOON 

What did you do that for? 

MR. MOON 

I happen to believe the boy, he's a nice enough chap and I want to see my daughter happy. 

FRASIER 

You could have told us at least. We wouldn't have encouraged him to do something that would only add fuel to the fire. 

NILES RE-ENTERS PANTING AND SOAKING WET 

ROZ 

What happened? 

NILES 

She's gone. Only a greyhound on speed would have caught up with that car. 

FRASIER 

Why are you all wet? 

NILES 

It's raining and I'm not wearing any pants. 

MRS. MOON 

It's only lightly spitting. 

NILES 

That doesn't matter when you fall down a pothole and face first into a puddle. 

SIMON 

You went running down the road like that? 

NILES 

Yes I did. But on the up side as a result, the vicar has invited me to one of his key parties. I've really blown it this time. There was a man waiting for her in the car. 

MR. MOON 

Oh don't panic. 

MRS. MOON 

Don't you dare tell him! I'm warning you, you'll be sleeping with the dog for the next week if you do. 

MR. MOON 

As opposed to having to sleep with you? What's the difference? She's stopping with Stephen and his wife in Birmingham. 

NILES 

Where? 

MR. MOON 

It's about a hundred miles south of here. You go to the bathroom and dry yourself off and I'll copy his address for you. 

NILES 

Thank you. 

NILES EXITS UPSTAIRS AND MRS. MOON GLARES AT MR. MOON 

MR. MOON 

Oh shut up mother! 

NIGEL 

Who's going to eat the slug then? 

PETER 

I will for fifty quid. 

FRASIER 

I'll take that bet. 

AS MRS. MOON SNATCHES THE TEACUP AWAY BEFORE THEY CAN GET THE SLUG WE: 

FADE OUT 

(K) 

FADE IN: 

INT. OUTSIDE STEPHEN'S APARTMENT — AFTERNOON — DAY/4   
(Frasier, Niles, Donna) 

FRASIER AND NILES STAND OUTSIDE THE APARTMENT, RINGING THE BELL 

FRASIER 

I feel guilty for just dumping Roz and Dad at the hotel like that. It was even worse then the last one. 

NILES 

Well I don't expect they have many tourists here Frasier. 

DONNA ANSWERS THE DOOR 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Hi, is Daphne here? 

DONNA 

No she's not. Are you Niles? 

NILES 

Yes I am. Please don't hit me. 

DONNA 

Fortunately I'm not like my mother-in-law in the slightest. Although you do realise Daphne is likely to end up like her. 

NILES 

I'm willing to take that chance. 

FRASIER 

I'm not. She's definitely got to move in with you before she reaches that stage. 

NILES 

Will you tell me where she is? 

DONNA 

Normally no, but Stephen's dad has been on the phone and explained and told me to tell you. 

FRASIER 

Finally a lucky break. 

DONNA 

The babysitter fell through so Daphne went instead with Stephen to the classical concert at Cannon Hill Park. 

NILES 

Where? 

DONNA 

I'll call you a taxi, they'll take you straight there. 

NILES 

I could kiss you but that's sort of how I got into this trouble. 

AS THEY ALL EXIT INSIDE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(L) 

TITLE CARD: 'SURE, HE'S ALLOWED TO BRING MACE INTO THE COUNTRY BUT NOT A CATTLE PROD' 

FADE IN: 

EXT. CANNON HILL PARK — NIGHT — DAY/4   
(Niles, Frasier, Daphne, Stephen, Man) 

A LARGE AREA OF GRASS BEFORE US HAS A STAGE TO THE VERY FAR LEFT IN THE DISTANCE, ON WHICH AN ORCHESTRA PLAYS. SCATTERED ABOUT THE GRASS ARE SEVERAL BEER TENTS AND BURGER VANS. PEOPLE SIT SCATTERED ALL OVER THE GRASS WITH BLANKETS AND PICNICS LISTENING TO THE MUSIC. UNDERNEATH ONE TREE TO THE LEFT DAPHNE AND STEPHEN SIT LISTENING TO THE MUSIC AND DRINKING BEER AS NILES AND FRASIER WALK AROUND ON THEIR RIGHT SCANNING ALL THE FACES 

NILES 

How are we ever going to find her here? I'll need to clone myself to stand any sort of chance. 

FRASIER 

See if you can get them to make an announcement for her to meet you. 

NILES 

And the moment she knows I'm here she'll run a mile. 

FRASIER 

Then say it's her mother and Grammy Moon's had a stroke or something, she'll come running then. 

NILES 

And that's an ideal way to get into her good books by telling her that her Grandmother is at deaths door. Why don't I just run over her father as well, that should help my cause. 

DAPHNE 

Oh my God. 

STEPHEN 

What? I told you from this distance it might look as if they are impaling the violinists with the trumpets but it's just the angle we're sitting at. 

DAPHNE 

No, it's Niles and Dr. Crane. 

STEPHEN 

On stage? 

DAPHNE 

No you ding bat over there. 

STEPHEN 

Then what are you going to do? 

DAPHNE 

Run like hell. 

STEPHEN 

Good choice. That's the grown up thing to do. Well done. 

DAPHNE GETS UP AND STARTS TO RUN OFF IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION AS STEPHEN GIVES HER THE THUMBS UP 

NILES 

There she is. What's she doing? 

FRASIER 

My guess would be she's seen you since she's running at full speed in the opposite direction. 

NILES STARTS TO RUN AFTER HER 

NILES 

Daphne! Daphne wait! 

FRASIER WALKS OVER TO STEPHEN WHO STANDS TO GREET HIM AND SHAKE HANDS 

STEPHEN 

Dr. Crane I presume. 

FRASIER 

Stephen, nice to see you again. 

STEPHEN 

We've met before? 

FRASIER 

Sure, at the wedding that never was. 

STEPHEN 

I was drunk during most of that, my parents were there. Fancy a beer? I have a feeling this will last a while. 

FRASIER 

I don't mind if I do. 

NILES STILL CHASES AFTER DAPHNE 

NILES 

Daphne will you wait up. I just want to talk to you. 

DAPHNE STOPS AND TURNS TO FACE HIM 

DAPHNE 

You've got nothing to say that I want to hear. Well apart from what the hell happened to your face? 

NILES 

Your neighbour punched me. The neighbours with the dirty net curtains. 

DAPHNE 

Oh and that's shortening the list down. Why didn't you say the ones with the English accent? I'd back away from me if I were you before I do the same and I bet I can hit harder. 

NILES 

Daphne please just let me explain. 

DAPHNE 

I've thought to myself that if you came here, I might be able to forgive you. It would show that you really cared about me and you were really sorry. But now that you are, and after this morning I don't think I can. 

NILES 

Daphne trust me, this is not how it appears. 

DAPHNE 

How I wish I could believe that. I loved you so much. 

NILES 

Daphne please just listen, don't make me mace you. 

DAPHNE 

I'm not interested Niles. I still can't even look at you. 

DAPHNE TURNS AWAY FROM HIM 

NILES 

Fine then don't but please hear me out. I haven't been having an affair with Roz. 

DAPHNE 

You certainly gave a good impression of it. 

NILES 

Granted it may have looked a tad incriminating but that's not what I was confessing to. Daphne I bought you an engagement ring. I was going to propose to you. I wanted to ask you to spend the rest of your life with me. But Roz ate the ring. I was spending so much time with her because I was waiting to get it back. I didn't want to ruin the surprise. The doctors wouldn't do anything, they told us to just wait for nature to take its course. So I tried to give her some laxatives but Dad and Eddie accidentally had it instead. Daphne, please turn around. Give me some sign please that you believe me. Anything. I love you can you ever forgive me? (A LONG PAUSE) I guess not. But that's a pity because I would have rocked your world. 

DAPHNE TURNS TOWARDS HIM 

DAPHNE 

You already have. 

SHE WALKS TO HIM AND KISSES HIM 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Wait rock my world? Where the hell did that come from? 

NILES 

I have spent the last few days in the company of your brothers. Do you forgive me? I have the ex-ray of the ring if you're at all uncertain that I'm telling the truth. 

SHE KISSES HIM AGAIN 

NILES (CONT'D) 

I guess that's a no then. Well so long at least you considered the question. 

DAPHNE 

I should be asking for your forgiveness. How could I ever think you would do such a thing? I should have known Roz would eat you alive if you so much as laid a finger on her. I didn't think she'd eat a ring though. How on earth did she manage to eat it anyway? 

NILES 

I put it on top of some whipped cream. 

DAPHNE 

Why would you do that? 

NILES 

I was trying to be romantic. 

DAPHNE 

Oh very romantic, not many people would force the woman they love out of the country in a flood of tears as an engagement present. 

NILES 

Will you come home please? I can't bare to be apart from you. 

DAPHNE 

Of course I will. I love you, you pratt. Do you honestly think I want to stay in the same country as my family? Haven't the last few days made you realise why I moved half way around the world from them in the first place? 

NILES 

Oh thank God. I can't begin to tell you how happy that makes me. They've done nothing but torture me since I got here, they've hit me, inebriated me... 

DAPHNE 

Oh that's not too bad, it's not as if they made you get a tattoo. I can't help but recall you saying something about a ring and a proposal. What was that? I can't remember. Refresh my memory. 

NILES 

OK now I'm terrified again. 

DAPHNE 

What about? 

NILES 

That you'll say no. 

DAPHNE 

If I wasn't going to say yes, I wouldn't have brought it up. I'd be running in that direction knocking over all old ladies in my path as I go. Doing the grown up thing as Stephen would put it. 

NILES 

Oh my God. 

NILES IMMEDIATELY WRAPS HIS ARMS AROUND HER AND HUGS HER UNTIL SHE PUSHES HIM OFF 

DAPHNE 

Wait a second, you're not getting away with it like that. That's far too easy. You still have to ask. 

NILES 

I knew that. 

DAPHNE 

I just wish I had somewhere to freshen up first. 

NILES 

There's no need you look beautiful. 

DAPHNE 

Oh yeah real beautiful, I've been crying, I bet my makeup's running everywhere. 

NILES 

Admittedly yes you do have a certain racoonesque quality... 

DAPHNE 

Oh that's nice. 

NILES 

But I really like racoons. 

DAPHNE 

Since when? 

NILES 

Since it became important for me to like them. 

DAPHNE 

Anyway I think we're drifting from the point. 

NILES LOOKS DOWN AND NOTICES THE MUD ON THE GRASS 

NILES 

Do you have a handkerchief? 

DAPHNE 

Not on me. 

NILES WALKS OVER TO A COUPLE SETTING OUT A BLANKET ON THE GRASS 

NILES 

Excuse me. Can I borrow this for just a second? Thanks. 

NILES PICKS UP THE BLANKET, PLACES IT ON THE FLOOR IN FRONT OF DAPHNE AND THEN KNEELS ON IT 

NILES (CONT'D) 

I've been planning it for so long, I don't know what to say now that I finally have the chance. Daphne you've brought a joy to my life over the past eight years that I never knew was possible. I'm so in love with you it's been pure torture spending this time without you. I don't ever want to be apart from you ever again. 

DAPHNE 

Will you just get a move on and say it already? 

NILES 

Will you make me the happiest man alive? Will you marry me? 

DAPHNE 

This is all so sudden. I don't know. 

NILES 

(WORRIED) What? But you said... 

DAPHNE 

Of course I will you silly sod. Yes, yes. I love you, yes. 

SHE KISSES HIM 

NILES 

Thank God. That was easier then I thought. And I managed to do it without passing out. I'd give you the ring but I think it'll be best if I boil it first. 

A MAN WALKS PAST THEM AND OVER HEARS THEIR CONVERSATION 

DAPHNE 

Can I at least see it and touch it? 

NILES 

I'd put a rubber glove on first if I were you. 

MAN 

Bloody perverts. 

AS THE MAN WALKS AWAY AND DAPHNE AND NILES HUG WE: 

FADE OUT 

(M) 

FADE IN: 

EXT. SWAN HOTEL ON BROAD STREET — NIGHT — DAY/4   
(Daphne) 

ALL THE LIGHTS ARE TURNED OUT IN THE HOTEL. SUDDENLY ONE OF THE LIGHTS SWITCHES ON 

DAPHNE 

(OFF STAGE) Niles who's Blinky? And why does he love me on your backside? 

AS THE LIGHT GOES BACK OUT AGAIN WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: NILES AND DAPHNE ARE BACK IN THE FRASIER'S KITCHEN WITH A LARGE POT BOILING SOME WATER ON THE STOVE. NILES PUTS SOME SAFETY GOGGLES ON AND THEN REMOVES THE RING FROM THE POT WITH A SET ON TONGS. THEY BOTH EXAMINE THE RING BEFORE DROPPING IT BACK IN THE POT 


	2. Episode Two

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_I'm offering no prize this week because I'm feeling too sorry for myself to think of one, I have a toothache so bad it could easily kill a genetically engineered rhino. So please cheer me up and send feedback to Kelly_simba@hotmail.com _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Nine Episode Two   
Saturday With Frasier 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: 'NARCOLEPTIC'S SWITCH OFF NOW'

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Roz, Martin, Eddie) 

NILES AND DAPHNE SIT ON THE COUCH WATCHING THE TELEVISION. DAPHNE IS WIDE-AWAKE, GLUED TO THE SCREEN BECOMING EXTREMELY EXCITED; NILES ON THE OTHER HAND STILL LOOKS HALF ASLEEP WEARING AN ENGLAND SHIRT. ENTER FRASIER FROM HIS ROOM, WEARING HIS ROBE AND YAWNING 

FRASIER 

What are you two doing up so early? You've not switched to the Manchester time zone again have you? I don't want to have to start my day by digesting Shepherd's pie for breakfast again instead of my bran muffin. It makes me feel so bloated and the last thing my listeners want to hear is the sound of my belching bouncing across the airwaves. 

NILES 

Daphne wanted to... 

DAPHNE 

Ssshhhh 

NILES 

Watch the... 

DAPHNE 

Ssshhhh 

NILES 

England game. 

DAPHNE 

Ssshhhh 

FRASIER 

I forgot that on Saturday mornings we're only allowed to speak in semaphore. What is the correct sign for 'get out of my house it's early'? Or is that being too subtle? 

NILES 

I think you're getting confused with the Play Boy mansion. Here we have to use smoke signals and telepathy. Right now I'm sensing Daphne wants me to be quiet or she'll strangle me. 

FRASIER 

And not necessarily around your neck. Would you like a coffee? 

NILES 

Oh please. 

NILES GETS UP OFF THE COUCH BEING CAREFUL TO WALK BEHIND IT SO AS NOT TO DISRUPT DAPHNE'S VIEWING AND THEN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN FOLLOWING FRASIER

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

AS FRASIER PUTS THE COFFEE ON NILES STARTS TO RUB HIS EYES 

NILES (CONT'D) 

I think I need an expresso enema this morning to perk myself up. I'd barely nodded off when Daphne kicked me out of bed this morning to make me sit in front of the television and watch sweaty men kick a ball around. Remind me to melt her alarm clock later. 

FRASIER 

Niles I can't help but notice, you're wearing a t-shirt. Were you aware of it? 

NILES 

Yes I know and it's not just a t-shirt. It's an England soccer t-shirt. 

FRASIER 

May I ask why you're wearing it? 

NILES 

That would be because of the beautiful... 

DAPHNE 

(OFF STAGE) Come on Fowler shift your bleedin' arse into gear you lazy sod! 

NILES 

Soccer hooligan sitting on the couch. 

FRASIER 

She's awfully angry and also sitting next to rather expensive one of a kind antiques. Forget the coffee I think I'll need some brandy and a bottle of sedatives. 

NILES 

I removed everything of value before it started. 

FRASIER 

Bless you. Well just remember I'm here for you if you decide to pin her down and sedate her if she gets out of control. 

NILES 

Frasier if that trick doesn't work on one of your dates, it's not going to work on Daphne. 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER 

So you won't be wanting that bone marrow then. I'll just keep it all to myself. 

FRASIER AND NILES EXIT OUT OF THE KITCHEN, FRASIER CARRYING A COFFEE TRAY 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE REMAINS AS BEFORE AS NILES SITS BACK DOWN NEXT TO HER AND FRASIER PLACES A COFFEE TRAY ON THE TABLE BEFORE HE CROSSES TO ANSWER THE DOOR 

NILES 

How are they doing? 

DAPHNE 

Ssshhhh 

NILES 

We need to try to extend your vocabulary slightly. 

DAPHNE 

Quiet 

NILES 

Look it's improving already that was a two-syllable word. 

FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS

FRASIER 

Good morning Roz and what are you doing here so early on a Saturday morning? Or haven't you been to bed yet? No wait, you've forgotten where you parked your car and you need my help to find it. Have you at least remembered your keys this time? 

NILES 

My guess would be then you've left it at the docks, or in some seedy back alley. 

ROZ 

No funny man. One of the others mothers from Alice's pre school class had her last night so I decided to have a lie in for a change. 

FRASIER 

Then why aren't you lying in? 

NILES 

Dating a snorer? 

FRASIER 

A screamer? 

NILES 

A... 

DAPHNE 

Ssshhhh 

NILES 

Honey don't take this the wrong way but you're not that good at playing Roz's guessing game. 

ROZ 

I'm bored. I'm not used to sleeping in. And Alice isn't going to be back until this evening, so I thought I'd come here. I'm a glutton for punishment, I know. 

FRASIER 

So you intend to stay here all day? 

ROZ 

Well yeah. 

ROZ SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH NEXT TO DAPHNE 

FRASIER 

But I actually have plans for today Roz. Maybe Niles and Daphne could entertain you. He's going to tie a bottle of Valium on a piece of string and lure her away from the television set in a moment. 

NILES 

Actually we were just going to stay here. 

FRASIER 

All day? 

NILES 

Yes 

FRASIER 

And do what? 

DAPHNE 

Nothing 

FRASIER 

How wonderful I've just developed three new Dads'. Like one wasn't enough to contend with. Does this mean I'm getting my Christmas wish early and having three more Eddie's to stare at me as well? Bare in mind I won't hesitate in throwing any of them down the garbage shoot. I'd fetch you all a beer and some pork rinds but I don't want you fighting over his chair while my back is turned. 

ROZ 

So what exactly are you doing today Frasier? Spending quality time with yourself? Trying to bore yourself to death. 

FRASIER 

That's very humorous. Well I'm not planning on doing anything exactly. 

ROZ 

And you complain that we have no plans, which by the way I did. My plans were to come here. It's biting me in the ass already. I should have just gone out and run over some puppies. 

FRASIER 

So we're all going to sit around, all day, doing nothing? 

ROZ 

That's about it. 

FRASIER 

Well isn't this going to be entertaining? 

MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM IN HIS ROBE BUT SUDDENLY STOPS BY THE FIRE PLACE WHEN HE SEES THAT EVERYONE ELSE IS THERE 

MARTIN 

Oh...I didn't realise anyone was up. So are you all going out? It's a beautiful day. The big city's calling you. There's a protest rally down on 5th, why don't you go down there and see if you can all get arrested. Make the old man proud. 

FRASIER 

As appealing as being stripped searched by a large woman called Ruth wearing Loafers and a rubber glove is, apparently we're doing nothing today except sitting around waiting for death to knock on our door and put us out of this misery. 

MARTIN 

Oh well...as long as you're sure. I'm going back to my room. I'm not decent and there are ladies present. 

NILES 

Since when has that stopped you? You went downstairs to speak to the doorman the other day in your bunny covered underwear. 

MARTIN 

I had more on then that. 

NILES 

A sock puppet with eyes made from beer bottle tops, smoking a pipe doesn't count. 

ROZ 

That all depends on where he was wearing it. 

MARTIN 

What's the big deal no one saw me. 

FRASIER 

You took the elevator. 

MARTIN 

The service elevator. 

FRASIER 

Everyone had to take the service elevator that day, they were repairing the other one. Someone got a banana wedged in the control panel. You'd have been seen by fewer people at the top of the Space Needle. 

MARTIN 

What's the big deal, just tell everyone I'm crazy. 

FRASIER 

I would but that excuse is wearing a bit thin now. 

DAPHNE 

Only because we have to keep using it for you. 

MARTIN 

I'll just grab a cup of coffee. 

MARTIN WALKS TO THE TABLE AND POURS TWO CUPS OUT AND HEADS BACK TO HIS ROOM WITH EVERYONE EXCEPT DAPHNE WATCHING HIM 

ROZ 

I know my math skill isn't what it should be but that's two cups. Unless I'm seeing double again. 

MARTIN 

That's right, one for me...one for...Eddie. 

FRASIER 

Eddie? 

MARTIN 

That's right. 

NILES 

Since when has Eddie started drinking coffee? 

MARTIN 

Just for a couple of months, right before his eye started twitching out of control. 

FRASIER 

OK then 

MARTIN EXITS BACK TO HIS ROOM AS FRASIER POURS ROZ A COFFEE 

ROZ 

So Daphne... 

DAPHNE 

Ssshhh 

NILES 

Daphne honey, the...(TO ROZ) how long do these things last? 

ROZ 

Ninety minutes I believe. 

NILES 

The ninety minutes are over. I'm sorry they've lost. But I know what'll make you feel better... 

NILES LEANS IN TO KISS DAPHNE AS SHE SUDDENLY SHOUTS AND JUMPS UP IN THE AIR CELEBRATING A GOAL. BECAUSE NILES WAS SO CLOSE TRYING TO KISS HER, DAPHNE ACCIDENTALLY CATCHES HIM ON THE NOSE WITH HER ELBOW. AS DAPHNE JUMPS ABOUT, NILES CLUTCHES HIS NOSE AND COLLAPSES ON THE COUCH 

DAPHNE 

Beckham!!!!!! Oh my God we've done it. 

NILES 

OK I definitely have concussion, maybe even some internal bleeding. I can see a white light. And nanna's there. She wants to know if you still wear that teddy sweater she knitted you. The lights getting brighter, don't let me walk towards it Frasier, hold me back. 

DAPHNE SITS ON THE TABLE TO BE CLOSER TO THE TELEVISION SCREEN AS ROZ JOINS HER AND FRASIER RUSHES TO NILES 

FRASIER 

I'll catapult you towards it if you dare bleed on my couch cushions! 

NILES 

Thanks for the concern. Do you want me to die more quietly? Maybe you could just kick me out into the street with the rats and the winos. I could wedge a rat up my nose to stop the flow of blood. Maybe they'll nurse me back to health or just give me the plague to make my day complete. 

NILES SITS UP AND LEANS HIS HEAD BACK 

FRASIER 

Stop being such a drama Queen. (SHOUTS) Not on the carpet! 

NILES MOVES OFF THE CARPET AND STANDS BY THE FRONT DOOR 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Or on the floor I've just had them polished. 

NILES 

How was I supposed to know? 

FRASIER 

Because you can now see your reflection in them. Did you think I had a giant mirror glued to the floor so I could look up my date's skirts? No don't look down! 

NILES 

So what you want me to just climb into the fireplace? Do you want to burn me as some sort of Santa impersonating witch? Christmas is a long time off you know Frasier. And besides I'm not a fat man in red carrying a sack. 

FRASIER 

Then you won't have any trouble fitting in there then will you? Out on the balcony. If I can't lock Eddie out there I'll have to settle for you instead. Get out. Just be thankful it's not raining. 

FRASIER GUIDES NILES TOWARDS THE BALCONY DOOR AS DAPHNE AND ROZ CONTINUE TO WATCH THE TELEVISION COMPLETELY UNAWARE OF WHAT'S HAPPENING BEHIND THEM 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

(TO ROZ AND DAPHNE) Oh don't either of you two move, I'll handle this. Tilt your head back. Oh my God my carpet! 

NILES 

What? 

NILES TRIES TO FEEL FOR THE DOOR HANDLE AS FRASIER RUSHES BACK TO THE CARPETED AREA 

FRASIER 

Just get out there. And hang you head over the balcony. But don't bleed on the doorman, he gets upset if you even sneeze within ten feet of him. 

NILES 

I can't find the handle. Have you moved it? 

FRASIER 

Yes it's now in my sweater cubby where do you think I moved it to? The oven? You can't find it because that's the window not the door. There's a subtle difference you can walk through one of them, but you'll have to guess which. 

NILES 

Oh. 

NILES LEANS HIS HEAD FORWARD TO LOOK FOR THE HANDLE 

FRASIER 

Don't lean your head forward! 

NILES QUICKLY SNAPS HIS HEAD BACK 

NILES 

It may surprise you Frasier but I don't have eyes in my chin. 

FRASIER 

Then you should have spent your life working with radioactive waste instead of mental patients. 

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND PUSHES NILES OUT ONTO THE BALCONY 

NILES 

Don't take it out on the mentally disturbed just because I got a little blood on the carpet. Anyone would think I performed open-heart surgery on the floor. 

ROZ 

Who is that? 

DAPHNE 

David Beckham. 

ROZ 

Oh come to momma. 

FRASIER 

A little blood?!? There's enough for three transfusions here. 

DAPHNE/ROZ 

Ssshhh 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry, is our crisis disturbing your zombie-induced state? 

NILES SUDDENLY FREEZES AND BEGINS TO PANIC 

NILES 

Wait a second. I'm bleeding? You never said. Oh my God, I'm bleeding? 

FRASIER 

Well done Sherlock. Stop breathing like that. 

NILES LOOKS DOWN AND SEES THE BLOOD ON HIS HAND 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Oh no Niles don't look down. Look away. Avert your eyes. 

NILES SUDDENLY FAINTS AND COLLAPSES ON THE FLOOR 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Perfect. 

DAPHNE GETS UP AND SWITCHES OFF THE TELEVISION 

DAPHNE 

Well that's made my week, we're going to the World Cup. 

EDDIE COMES RUNNING IN FROM MARTIN'S ROOM, SEES THE BALCONY DOOR OPEN, SNIFFS NILES ALL OVER BEFORE JUMPING ON HIM AND SITTING DOWN ON HIS CHEST 

FRASIER 

If you're quite finished would you mind dealing with Niles. 

DAPHNE 

Why what's wrong with him? (NOTICING) Oh no. 

DAPHNE RUSHES TO NILES 

ROZ 

Never mind Niles, Eddie seems to have sat in something. 

AS DAPHNE SHOE'S EDDIE AWAY WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

FADE IN: 

INT. DAPHNE'S BEDROOM — MORNING — DAY/1   
(Daphne, Niles) 

NILES IS LYING FLAT ON DAPHNE'S BED WITH AN ICE PACK ON HIS NOSE AND STILL WITH A TINY BIT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHIRT. DAPHNE SITS ON THE EDGE OF THE BED HOLDING THE ICE PACK 

DAPHNE 

How are you feeling? You look like you've had your nose trapped in a cat flap. 

NILES 

A little sore. When I breathe I seem to be making some sort of high pitched whistling noise. I guess that means all the neighbourhood dogs will start barking at me. 

DAPHNE 

I'm sorry I hit you, I just got a little over excited. 

NILES 

It was an accident. I'm fine. 

DAPHNE 

Well that brings memories back of growing up in Manchester. An England shirt covered in blood. 

NILES 

Blood? 

NILES LOOKS AT HIS SHIRT BEFORE PASSING OUT AGAIN 

DAPHNE 

Oh no, don't... 

AS DAPHNE SIGHS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — MORNING — DAY/1   
(Roz, Frasier, Daphne, Niles, Martin, Cassandra) 

FRASIER, NOW FULLY DRESSED, STANDS STIRRING A SAUCEPAN ON THE STOVE AS ROZ STANDS CLOSE WATCHING. THE KITCHEN SURFACES ARE ALL COVERED WITH VARIOUS UTENSILS AND INGREDIENTS 

ROZ 

So what are you cooking? 

FRASIER 

Former producers that invaded my house and wouldn't leave me alone. Would you like to try some? 

ROZ 

Is that your direct way of telling me to go away? 

FRASIER 

You want me to be direct about it? 

ROZ 

Can I at least help? 

FRASIER 

Do you know anything about caramelising? 

ROZ 

Does it have anything to do with camels? 

FRASIER 

No 

ROZ 

Then no. 

FRASIER 

Why what do you know about camels? 

ROZ 

Nothing. 

FRASIER 

Then why are we talking about it? 

ROZ 

I don't know you brought it up. Why are you cooking such a lavish meal at ten o'clock in the morning anyway? 

FRASIER 

I'm just trying to perfect my technique. 

ROZ 

I've heard that phrase a few times but never in reference to food. 

FRASIER 

Why does everything you say have to do with sex? 

ROZ 

Because I have a sex life. You don't even have a...well a life. 

FRASIER 

How can you say that? 

ROZ 

It's Saturday, you have no plans and you're up early cooking a fancy pants dinner for no one. Wow! That's going to be up there for the social life of the year award. It's between you and a depressed, hermit lumberjack who collects squirrel tails. 

FRASIER 

Thank you so much Roz for brightening my day that much more. 

ROZ 

You're welcome. 

RESET TO: 

INT. DAPHNE'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES, NOW DRESSED IN A DIFFERENT SHIRT, OPENS HIS EYES AS DAPHNE STILL SITS NEXT TO HIM 

DAPHNE 

Are you OK? 

NILES 

Am I dead? 

DAPHNE 

Well your brother tried but I talked him into letting you just buy him a new carpet instead. Oh and you bled on his piano as well. 

NILES 

You're kidding? Do you have any idea how much that's going to cost me? 

DAPHNE 

As opposed to how much an x-ray and a neck brace costs? 

NILES 

This is Frasier we're talking about. 

DAPHNE 

I suppose your right, at the very most you would have had to have gone to the emergency room to have a bottle cork pulled out of your ear or for scratch marks on your cheek. 

NILES 

Why do I smell of dog? 

DAPHNE 

I'd answer that question but it won't make you feel any better. 

NILES 

Why? 

DAPHNE 

He got a little friendly with you. 

NILES 

Oh my God. 

DAPHNE 

I'm sure Eddie would have said the same earlier if only he could speak. 

NILES 

That's not helping. 

DAPHNE 

I've got an idea. 

NILES 

What's that? 

DAPHNE 

Something that may make you feel better. 

NILES 

(SMILING) You don't mean...? 

DAPHNE 

Oh but I do. Shall we play that little game of ours? 

NILES 

But it's daytime. 

DAPHNE 

It doesn't have to be nocturnal. What you've never done it during the day? 

NILES 

Can't say I have. 

DAPHNE 

Well there's a first time for everything. I've bought a brand new silk blindfold. 

NILES 

Well that does sound...but everyone's outside. 

DAPHNE 

Oh they won't mind. Your brother will probably want to join us. 

NILES 

Excuse me? 

DAPHNE 

You know how much he enjoys it. 

NILES 

There are certain things I really don't want to know about my brother and that's one of them. But I never have been able to say no. 

DAPHNE LEANS RIGHT ACROSS NILES AND PUTS HER ARM DOWN THE SIDE OF THE BED AND PRODUCES TWO BOTTLES OF WINE AND A BLINDFOLD 

DAPHNE 

Great. OK I have two bottles here, let's see how good those taste buds of yours really are. 

NILES 

(FAKE ENTHUSIASM) Oh wine. Oh great. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM SNEAKING AROUND THE CORNER BY THE FIRE PLACE, CHECKING TO SEE IF THE COAST IS CLEAR. WHEN HE SEES THAT NO ONE IS IN THE ROOM HE WAVES BEHIND HIM AND CASSANDRA, A WOMAN OF AROUND THE SAME AGE FOLLOWS HIM 

FRASIER 

(OFF STAGE) Roz put the spoon down. 

ROZ 

(OFF STAGE) I'll tell you where I'll put it in a moment. And you'd better beware because it's boiling hot. 

MARTIN AND CASSANDRA RUN TO THE FRONT DOOR 

MARTIN 

I'll call you tomorrow. 

FRASIER 

(OFF STAGE) If you help me cook it, you'll know my secret. 

MARTIN HEARS FRASIER COMING AND WITHOUT THINKING PUSHES CASSANDRA BACK TOWARDS HIS ROOM BEFORE LEANING UP THE FIRE PLACE NEXT TO THE DOOR. ENTER FRASIER AND ROZ

ROZ 

What that you're secretly a woman? 

FRASIER 

Dad what are you doing? 

MARTIN 

Just leaning up the fireplace. You never know if it might fall over suddenly and kill us all. You have to be prepared for these things. 

FRASIER 

And there's a happy thought to start the day with. 

ROZ 

Now I'm in the mood for a telethon. 

MARTIN 

So how about you two kids go to the movies? My treat. 

FRASIER 

Well gee Dad can I borrow the car as well? Are you trying to get rid of us for some reason? 

MARTIN 

No why would you think that? 

FRASIER STARTS TO WALK PAST MARTIN AND TOWARDS HIS ROOM 

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

(PANICS) What are you going down there for? 

FRASIER 

There's a nickel on the floor. 

FRASIER PICKS IT UP AND PUTS IT ON THE ISLAND 

ROZ 

What is wrong with you? 

MARTIN 

Nothing, I've just had too much coffee, Eddie wouldn't drink all of his. It's made me a bit jumpy. I don't think the dog drool helped much either. 

FRASIER 

Dad are you wearing lipstick? 

MARTIN 

Maybe. 

ROZ 

Why? 

MARTIN 

Haven't you ever wanted to experiment? It was either lipstick or a skinhead and a leather jacket. I think I made the right decision. 

MARTIN EXITS TO HIS ROOM AS FRASIER AND ROZ JUST STARE AFTER HIM IN SILENCE. NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM HER ROOM 

NILES 

Hey, what's going on? 

FRASIER 

Oh nothing, I'm cooking, Roz is telling me about her fleet of men, Dad's turning into a transvestite, nothing new. 

NILES 

Ooh you're cooking. 

NILES EXITS QUICKLY INTO THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

Get away from it! My cooking. My secret recipe. 

FRASIER EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

NILES 

(OFF STAGE) Just let me taste it. 

DAPHNE 

It's times like this when you discover what the most important things in life are. 

DAPHNE AND ROZ BOTH SIT DOWN ON THE COUCH 

ROZ 

So how's life treating you? 

DAPHNE 

Absolutely fantastic. England are going to the World Cup, there's a stadium full of German's all depressed and I'm getting married! Did you see the size of the ring he bought me? 

ROZ 

Daphne I don't need to see it, I felt it. Oh my God I felt it. 

DAPHNE 

With all due respect Roz, I really don't want to know. I have to keep it on my finger and it'll be a lot easier without the vivid imagery. 

ROZ 

I can only just sit down. I had to sit on an inflatable cushion all last week in Nervosa on those wooden chairs. Everybody thought I had piles. You should have seen the looks I was getting. 

DAPHNE JUST STARES AT HER 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Yeah a little like that. 

DAPHNE 

I really don't need to know. 

ROZ 

Why does everyone keep saying that? 

DAPHNE 

If only there was some clear reason. 

MARTIN STICKS HIS HEAD AROUND THE CORNER 

MARTIN 

Hey Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

Mr. Crane what are you doing? 

MARTIN 

I need your help. 

DAPHNE 

I should say so. That shade of lip-gloss does nothing for you. A darker shade would suit your complexion better. 

MARTIN 

No not that, it's more private. 

DAPHNE 

Oh all right I'll lower you in the bath. But lets keep the underwear on this time, just in case I slip again. 

MARTIN 

No, no, no. 

ROZ 

Thank God. 

MARTIN 

I need you to distract the boys. 

DAPHNE 

Why? 

CASSANDRA APPEARS BEHIND MARTIN AND SMILES EMBARRASSINGLY 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Oh I see. Hello. 

CASSANDRA 

Hello. This is all so embarrassing. 

ROZ 

Only if the boys find your bra stuffed down the side of the couch. 

FRASIER 

(OFF STAGE) Roz did you move my oregano? 

MARTIN 

Distract them. 

NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN 

DAPHNE 

Niles I've missed you. 

DAPHNE GRABS HIM AND KISSES HIM TURNING HIM AWAY FROM MARTIN 

ROZ 

Oh great what do I do? 

MARTIN 

The same. 

ROZ 

Pretend for a second that we live in the real world. 

MARTIN 

Please Roz. Quick before he gets out here. 

ROZ 

Frasier I think I dropped my earring in your fancy sauce. 

FRASIER STARTS TO COUGH VIOLENTLY 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

I said in your sauce not down your throat. 

ROZ EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN WHILE DAPHNE BREAKS THE KISS BUT KEEPS HUGGING NILES SO HE CAN'T MOVE AND STARTS WAVING AT MARTIN AND CASSANDRA TO GET THEM TO MOVE 

MARTIN 

OK now. 

MARTIN AND CASSANDRA GET AS FAR AS THE BATHROOM BEFORE THEY HEAR FRASIER COMING BACK INTO THE ROOM. WITHOUT THINKING MARTIN PUSHES CASSANDRA INTO THE BATHROOM AND SHUTS THE DOOR. FRASIER AND ROZ ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

I can't see it. Roz I can't believe you. All that work is ruined. Wait you still have two earrings in. 

ROZ 

I meant my nose ring. 

NILES 

You don't wear a nose ring. 

ROZ 

Don't I? Then I guess I didn't loose it in your sauce after all. 

FRASIER 

Then maybe I can still save it. 

ROZ 

So when exactly did you invent this magic sauce magnet Frasier, to get it back out of the sink drain? 

FRASIER RUNS INTO THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

(OFF STAGE) Come back. 

NILES 

Oh let it go. 

FRASIER RE-ENTERS AND COLLAPSES ON THE COUCH 

MARTIN 

Aren't you people going to go out at all today. Fresh air is good for you. 

FRASIER 

I would have done but I'm too depressed now. I'd reached the highest peak in sauce creation and now it's gone. 

MARTIN 

Well make some more. 

FRASIER 

I would but now I'm spent. (SWITCHING ON THE TV) Ooh look Niles a documentary on quilt making. 

NILES SITS DOWN NEXT TO FRASIER 

NILES 

I've never seen this one. 

ROZ 

Did you ever insist on a chromosome check at the hospital? You know just to be safe? 

AS MARTIN SIGHS AND PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(D) 

TITLE CARD: 'DOG DAY AFTERNOON' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Niles, Roz, Daphne, Martin, Cassandra, Eddie) 

FRASIER, ROZ AND DAPHNE ALL SIT ON THE COUCH STILL WATCHING THE TELEVISION AS NILES SITS ON THE FLOOR BY DAPHNE'S FEET AND MARTIN STANDS GUARD BY THE BATHROOM DOOR. ROZ, DAPHNE AND MARTIN ALL LOOK EXTREMELY BORED 

FRASIER 

Look at that stitching. 

NILES 

It's exquisite. 

FRASIER 

It makes me envious that I'm not so gifted. 

NILES 

Yes it almost makes one wish to live in a mud and bamboo hut and get paid a dime for each mile of quilt sown. After a day like that it makes eating that single grain of rice for dinner and the whipping for not working fast enough all the more satisfying. 

ROZ 

I never knew it was possible to be this bored. Sitting through Frasier's show is more entertaining. 

DAPHNE 

I wasn't aware I was still alive until you spoke. 

MARTIN 

I thought I'd had a stroke. 

FRASIER 

Dad will you sit down. Stop hovering. 

MARTIN 

I'm just stretching my legs. 

NILES 

Look at that one it... 

EDDIE ENTERS AND JUMPS UP NILES WITH A SQUEAKY CHEW TOY IN HIS MOUTH 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Oh my God Eddie, get off me. Haven't we been close enough for one day? What does he want from me? 

ROZ 

He's a dog, so let's guess. I know a lobotomy. 

MARTIN 

He wants you to play with him. 

NILES 

Play what? 

DAPHNE 

Poker probably. 

MARTIN 

Throw him his ball. 

NILES 

Oh I see. 

NILES GOES TO TAKE THE TOY OUT OF EDDIE'S MOUTH BUT STOPS BEFORE HE TOUCHES IT, TAKES OUT A HANDKERCHIEF FROM HIS POCKET AND PICKS IT UP WITH THAT INSTEAD 

MARTIN 

Oh jeez. 

NILES THROWS THE TOY BUT IT DOESN'T GO MUCH FURTHER THEN THE END OF THE COFFEE TABLE. EDDIE RUNS AFTER IT, PICKS IT UP AND BRINGS IT BACK TO NILES 

FRASIER 

This game is certain to make you work up a sweat. Be careful you don't pull a muscle Niles. 

MARTIN 

You've got to throw it further then that. Mrs. Johnson's arthritic cat Crackles would be able to get that. 

NILES SIGHS BEFORE TAKING THE TOY OFF EDDIE THE SAME WAY AS HE DID BEFORE WITH HIS HANDKERCHIEF, ONCE AGAIN CAUSING EVERYONE TO ROLL THEIR EYES. HE PULLS HIS ARM BACK AND PREPARES TO THROW THE TOY FAR AND HARD. FOR ONCE IN HIS LIFE, NILES FINALLY THROWS WITH AN ELEMENT OF POWER, BUT UNFORTUNATELY HIS ACCURACY IS STILL ALLUDING HIM. HE THROWS THE BALL, IT HITS THE TABLE, FLIES BACK AND HITS HIM IN THE FACE. 

FRASIER 

Oh perfect. Like my carpet wasn't ruined enough without you constantly bleeding all over it! 

NILES TILTS HIS HEAD BACK AS DAPHNE HELPS HIM UP OFF THE FLOOR 

DAPHNE 

Come on I'll soon get you sorted out. 

NILES 

You keep morphine in the apartment? 

DAPHNE 

No but it might not be a bad idea if not for you, then definitely for me. 

FRASIER 

Don't you bleed anywhere near my duck. 

NILES 

Would you even notice if I did? It's so undercooked some strong smelling salts and a quick sharp shock could still save it. 

DAPHNE SITS NILES DOWN AT THE TABLE WITH HIS HANDKERCHIEF PRESSED AGAINST HIS NOSE AS SHE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

I should have known a simple game of fetch would have been too strenuous for you. Next time we'll stick to eye spy and Clue. 

NILES 

That's very funny, I'm fine by the way. 

DAPHNE ENTERS WITH AN ICE PACK AND PUTS IT ON NILES' NOSE 

DAPHNE 

Come here, let me slap this on your conk. 

ROZ 

Shouldn't you save that for a more private occasion? 

SFX: KNOCKING COMING FROM THE BATHROOM

FRASIER 

What was that? 

MARTIN 

Just Eddie's toy. 

NILES 

It knocks now. 

ROZ 

Well it did nearly knock you out. Then again a fly with a powerful wing velocity could do the same. I've often thought a violent sneeze would give you a brain haemorrhage. 

MARTIN 

Yeah they're all the rage these new toys. They're called (SHOUTS) 'I'll be right with you Cassandra.' Have you never heard of them? Daphne, Roz can I see you in the kitchen for a moment? 

MARTIN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

Don't touch my cooking utensils. 

ROZ 

Don't worry, no one will probably touch your utensils ever again. They're all rusty from lack of use. 

FRASIER 

You'll have to expand Roz, once again you're being just too damn subtle. 

DAPHNE AND ROZ EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN PACES BACK AND FORTH STARING AT THE BATHROOM DOOR AS DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER

DAPHNE 

You can't leave that poor women in the toilet all day. She'll come out smelling like she's using bleach as perfume. 

ROZ 

It won't improve your chances of getting another date either. 

DAPHNE 

Not to mention I haven't changed the hand towels in there today. Dr. Crane will freak out if he finds we've had company in there with crusty hand towels. He'll never let me forget the time the wine club came around and he had a soggy bath mat. 

MARTIN 

Yeah because that's the most important thing. Distract them. 

ROZ 

And how do you suggest we do that? 

MARTIN 

I don't know. Scratch his frying pan, bend his whisk. I don't care. 

ROZ 

You said distract him not kill him. I'm not in the mood to see a grown man weep over a frying pan. He's my boss I should at least try to hang on to the tiny amount of respect that I have for him left. 

DAPHNE 

But what do I do with Niles? 

MARTIN 

You're his fiancée. 

ROZ 

Yeah go and sleep with him that'll distract him. 

DAPHNE 

That's your answer for everything. 

MARTIN 

Tell him you're pregnant. 

DAPHNE 

If it's all the same with you, I'll call that plan B. What's the big deal anyway? It's not like you've never had anyone stop over before. You've had more women here then Dr. Crane. 

ROZ 

Well that's not hard. Eddie has more of a sex life then Frasier does and he's been neutered. It won't be long before Frasier starts romancing his towel warmer like Eddie does. 

DAPHNE 

What is the problem? She seems really nice. 

MARTIN 

It's just a little awkward. 

ROZ 

It's not like she's a man. 

DAPHNE 

She's not is she? 

MARTIN 

No. She's Hester. 

ROZ 

What do you mean? 

DAPHNE 

Like reincarnated? 

MARTIN 

No. In every way, in everything that she does and says she just reminds me of Hester. Every mannerism, every word reminds me of her. If you'd only spent even a second with Hester, you'd still be able to see the resemblance. Even Frank noticed and he spent a week with a marble up his nose without noticing so the boys will spot it in a second. 

DAPHNE 

Well we all did stupid things like that as a kid. Simon nailed his foot to the floor. 

MARTIN 

This was last month. 

DAPHNE 

So was this. 

MARTIN 

That's why his bowling game has suffered recently. He had too much extra weight on his face, which was putting off his balance. I'm just afraid that it'll upset them. Like I'm trying to replace her. You saw how they reacted with Mia. 

ROZ 

They're psychiatrists. 

MARTIN 

Exactly, they'll over analyse everything to death and make a big deal out of it. Just help me here please; I'll share my pension money. 

ROZ 

Oh fine. 

MARTIN LOOKS THROUGH THE DOOR TOWARDS THE LIVING ROOM 

MARTIN 

(PANICKING) Frasier's going into the bathroom. 

ROZ STARTS TO SCREAM AND DAPHNE QUICKLY CATCHES ON AND DOES THE SAME. EDDIE THEN RUSHES IN AND JOINS IN AND STARTS BARKING WITH THEM 

FRASIER 

(OFF STAGE) What is going on? My frying pan! 

FRASIER ENTERS AS MARTIN EXITS AND NILES CAN BE SEEN PEERING AROUND THE DOOR WITH HIS BACK TO THE LIVING ROOM 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

What happened? 

ROZ AND DAPHNE STOP SCREAMING AND THEN LOOK TO EACH OTHER FOR AN EXPLANATION 

ROZ 

It's just this fork. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN OPENS THE BATHROOM DOOR AND CASSANDRA ENTERS. JUST AS SHE IS ABOUT TO EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR SHE SUDDENLY STOPS 

CASSANDRA 

Oh no my purse! 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

What about it? You obviously haven't impaled yourself with it, which is what it sounded like. 

ROZ 

It scared me. I thought I saw it wink at me. 

FRASIER 

Then what were you screaming about. 

DAPHNE 

Just in general for something to do. 

FRASIER 

Well as long as it's for a good reason. I'd hate to have a heart attack for no apparent reason. 

NILES 

I'm here as backup Frasier if you need me. I'm wearing my death glare and I could snap at any moment. Actually my death glare is making me frown somewhat, which is giving me a headache, but I'm still dangerous. What's going on? 

ROZ 

Some backup you are. A newborn kitten would be more dangerous. 

NILES 

There's no point in both of us getting killed. We need someone left to tell the story on chat shows and arrange the appropriate hors d'oeuvre at the wake. 

FRASIER 

I thought you were being murdered in here. 

ROZ 

And who would come in here and murder us. What would they have done it with, no one is allowed to touch your utensils? And cases of oregano poisoning have been decreasing over the last few years. 

FRASIER 

I don't know maybe they could have pushed the fridge over. 

DAPHNE 

How would they have even got in here? There's no window. 

FRASIER 

Through the garbage disposal, made a hole in the base of one of the cupboards from down stairs, hidden away in a bag of oranges how should I know? 

DAPHNE 

Sounds like a bit of a fishy idea to me. 

FRASIER 

Well then maybe he could...wait why am I defending myself? You were the ones screaming for no reason. 

ROZ 

And you had to make such a big deal out of it. 

FRASIER 

Has everyone gone insane? 

FRASIER GOES TO EXIT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM 

MARTIN 

(OFF STAGE) No don't come in here! 

NILES 

Apparently so. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN STANDS BEHIND THE CONSOLE BEHIND THE COUCH LOOKING VERY GUILTY AND NERVOUS AS FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER

FRASIER 

What is happening? 

FRASIER AND NILES WALK TO THE BAR AS FRASIER SHOWS HIM A BOTTLE 

MARTIN 

Nothing. (SOTTO TO ROZ AND DAPHNE) How do I get them back in the kitchen? 

DAPHNE 

How should I know? 

ROZ 

You were a cop surely you can think of something. 

DAPHNE 

Wait where is she? 

CASSANDRA LIFTS HER HEAD UP FROM BEHIND THE CONSOLE 

CASSANDRA 

Hi. 

DAPHNE 

Nice to see you again. 

CASSANDRA HIDES AGAIN AS MARTIN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

What shall we do with ourselves for the rest of the day? We can't just sit around, all day long. 

ROZ 

Why not you were going to. 

NILES 

Isn't there a game we could play? 

FRASIER STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS THE CUPBOARD BY THE DOOR AS CASSANDRA STRUGGLES TO GET OUT OF VIEW AND DAPHNE TRIES TO HIDE HER BY STANDING IN FRONT OF HER 

DAPHNE 

Where are you going? 

FRASIER 

I have some games in the cupboard. 

DAPHNE 

No you don't. 

FRASIER 

Yes I do. 

DAPHNE 

No you don't. 

FRASIER 

Yes I do. 

DAPHNE 

No you don't. 

FRASIER 

I have I'll show you. 

AS FRASIER MOVES CLOSER TO IT AND WILL WITHOUT A DOUBT BE ABLE TO SEE CASSANDRA, ROZ JUMPS UP AND STARTS TO SING AND DANCE, STAMPING HER FEET ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM, GRABBING EVERYONE'S ATTENTION 

NILES 

Roz what are you doing? 

ROZ 

Just doing a little dancing. 

NILES 

For any particular reason? 

ROZ 

I just felt like it. You know sometimes I feel as though if I don't dance, I'll die. 

NILES 

You know where my office is don't you? Feel free to pop by, anytime and I'll try and fit you in. I can prescribe you something right away, or maybe even send you away for a little rest where they all wear white gowns and the electricity bill is quite high. 

FRASIER 

Something is going on here. 

DAPHNE 

No it's not. 

FRASIER 

Yes it is. 

DAPHNE 

No it's not. 

FRASIER 

Yes it...I am not starting this again. What is going on? 

MARTIN 

(OFF STAGE) Fire! Fire! Fire in the kitchen! 

FRASIER 

Oh my God. 

FRASIER AND NILES RUN INTO THE KITCHEN AS MARTIN ENTERS FROM THERE AND HELPS CASSANDRA UP FROM THE FLOOR AND TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR. ONCE AGAIN THEY HEAR NILES COMING BEFORE SHE CAN LEAVE AND MARTIN ONCE AGAIN PUSHES HER INTO THE BATHROOM AND LEANS UP THE DOOR. ENTER NILES

NILES 

I think you're confused Dad, it's a puff of smoke in the kitchen not a bush fire. What are you doing? 

FRASIER 

Feeling the grain of the wood on my cheek. It's so smooth and silky. 

NILES 

You know Dad, like Roz feel free to drop by my office and see me. Really I don't mind. I know I can't actually treat you but I'll gladly recommend someone. 

NILES STANDS IN THE DOORWAY TO THE KITCHEN FACING INSIDE TOWARDS FRASIER 

DAPHNE 

You set fire to the kitchen? 

MARTIN 

Only to a box of matches. It worked didn't it? 

ROZ 

No! She's back in the bathroom. In the elevator, good, stuck in the bathroom or dangling over the side of the balcony, bad. 

MARTIN 

So what do you suggest? I try and flood the place? 

DAPHNE 

Set fire to something else. 

MARTIN 

That's called arson. I used to lock people up for that. 

ROZ 

It didn't stop you before. 

MARTIN 

But that was a box of matches, you're supposed to set fire to them. You're not supposed to glue them in your ears and run around flapping your arms. Oh OK, then why don't I just walk in the kitchen and set fire to Frasier that would work. 

CASSANDRA OPENS THE DOOR AND STICKS HER HEAD OUT 

CASSANDRA 

I wouldn't mind. 

EDDIE, SPOTTING HER, STARTS TO BARK AT HER 

MARTIN 

Eddie be quiet. 

FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AS MARTIN SHUTS THE DOOR ON CASSANDRA AND NILES TURNS AROUND TO FACE THE ROOM 

FRASIER 

Did I just hear a woman's voice? 

ROZ 

No that was me. 

FRASIER 

It sounded like an older women. 

NILES 

It could have been Roz then. 

NILES STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS THE BATHROOM DOOR BUT DAPHNE STANDS IN FRONT OF HIM AND STOPS HIM 

DAPHNE 

Where are you going? 

NILES 

To use the bathroom. 

DAPHNE 

Then use mine. 

NILES 

Why? 

DAPHNE 

Because I love the thought of you in there. It's sexy. It's almost like you're scent marking it, letting everyone know that I'm yours and only yours. 

FRASIER 

Have you all been drinking this morning without me? 

MARTIN 

(DESPERATE) Frasier I think I saw a cockroach in the kitchen earlier. 

FRASIER 

And you only think to tell me about it now? Why not wait until next week when the thing can breed and over run the apartment. 

NILES 

A cockroach? Get on the couch Daphne, Roz go and get it. 

MARTIN 

(SHOUTS) This is your chance to go and get it. Come on I'll show you. 

FRASIER EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN FOLLOWED BY DAPHNE, ROZ AND MARTIN. WHEN THEY ARE OUT OF THE ROOM NILES STARES AFTER THEM BEFORE OPENING THE BATHROOM AND BEING FACE TO FACE WITH CASSANDRA

NILES 

Oh hello. 

CASSANDRA 

Hello. I guess you're wondering what I'm doing in the bathroom? 

NILES 

I am mildly curious. I take it you didn't crawl out of the bowl, you're much too dry for starters. 

MARTIN 

(OFF STAGE) There it is! Get it! 

LOUD THUDS CAN BE HEARD FROM THE KITCHEN AS NILES AND CASSANDRA BOTH STARE IN THAT DIRECTION FOR A MOMENT 

CASSANDRA 

I'm here because... 

NILES 

You're just like my mother. 

CASSANDRA 

That's what Marty said. 

FRASIER 

(OFF STAGE) Oh well spotted. I've just beaten the hell out of a piece of lint. 

NILES 

I guess that's why he's hidden you in here. 

CASSANDRA 

He just thought it might upset you. 

NILES 

Did he? 

MARTIN ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND STANDS BACK AND WATCHES 

DAPHNE 

(OFF STAGE) That's my foot you clumsy sod. 

CASSANDRA 

I guess I should be going. 

NILES SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH WHICH PUSHES ONE OF THE COUCH CUSHIONS DOWN SLIGHTLY 

NILES 

Yeah. Good bye. 

CASSANDRA 

Good bye. 

AS CASSANDRA GOES TO EXIT NILES STANDS AND TRIES TO STRAIGHTEN THE COUCH CUSHION AGAIN. HE SUDDENLY FROWNS, PUTS HIS HAND DOWN THE BACK OF THE CUSHION AND PULLS OUT A BRA 

NILES 

Is there any chance this isn't yours? 

CASSANDRA 

I wish I could say yes. 

NILES HANDS HER THE BRA BEFORE CASSANDRA EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

MARTIN 

Niles? 

NILES 

You didn't need to hide her. We are old enough to handle it. 

FRASIER 

(OFF STAGE) Get it off me! Get it off me! Help me! 

ROZ 

(OFF STAGE) It's a grape. 

MARTIN 

I was only trying to protect you. I know how much you loved her, how much you still love her. 

NILES 

But we also want you to be happy. 

MARTIN 

I know. 

NILES 

So are you going to see her again? 

MARTIN 

It's hard on me as well. I feel like I'm trying to replace her. 

NILES 

All this time later and you're still feeling guilty? 

MARTIN 

God forbid the same thing to happen to you Niles, but if it did you'd know how I feel. 

NILES 

I'm here for you. 

MARTIN 

I know. Best not to tell Frasier about this. There's no need to go upsetting him as well. 

NILES 

Agreed. 

DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN AS MARTIN AND NILES SIT DOWN 

ROZ 

That'll keep him busy for a while. 

NILES 

Is there a cockroach? 

DAPHNE 

No, but let's savour the peace and quiet while he hunts for it. 

DAPHNE AND ROZ ALSO SIT DOWN ON THE COUCH BEFORE EDDIE STARTS TO BARK AND WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: NILES, DAPHNE, MARTIN AND ROZ ALL SIT IN THE LIVING ROOM RELAXING AND WATCHING THE TELEVISION AS FRASIER SITS SCRUNCHED UP IN THE CORNER OF THE KITCHEN WITH A NEWSPAPER IN HIS HAND WAITING FOR THE COCKROACH TO APPEAR.   
  
  



	3. Episode Three

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_To stand a chance of winning one of Daphne's famous Shepard's pies, following by a week in the hospital and a stomach pump please send feedback to Kelly_simba@hotmail.com. _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Nine Episode Three   
Guess Who's Eventually Coming To Dinner 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: 'IT'S CERTAINLY NOT ANNIE HALL' 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Martin, Roz, Niles, Daphne) 

FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED NERVOSA. ON THE TABLE ARE THREE CUPS OF COFFEE AND SEVERAL PADS AND PIECES OF PAPER 

FRASIER 

OK Dad I need you to pick up the napkins tomorrow. Between ten and five after ten, don't be late. 

MARTIN 

So what, a minute either way and the world will end? They'll set their attack napkin on me? I mean God forbid we should upset the napkin people. It'll be the end of the dinner party, as we know it. What will people make swans from and put on the table? 

FRASIER GLARES AT MARTIN 

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

Can they at least be novelty napkins? 

FRASIER 

What kind of novelty napkins? Nothing too suggestive. 

MARTIN 

How about "Finally you've found someone we like. Now I can throw out my gun and the cattle prod and the stun gun and the mace and the..." 

FRASIER 

No that would be deemed too suggestive. 

ROZ 

"Three times a charm?" 

FRASIER 

I don't think that's appropriate for an engagement party. 

ROZ 

Well can I still hire a stripper? 

MARTIN 

You can't have a stripper at an engagement party. 

FRASIER 

That's just what I've been telling her, thank you Dad. I've also said no to the balloons made out of condoms and any sort of farmyard animal dressed in women's underwear running around my apartment. I have visions of a herd of sheep soiling my carpet. 

MARTIN 

Jeez Roz he's right. Save them for the bachelor party. We can hire a party room to hold it in so we won't have the old women here running around cleaning up after us and anonymously calling the police when someone gets a smudge of frois gra on the couch. 

FRASIER 

Thank you Dad. But I think she meant hiring a stripper for herself not for the party. She's been hard up for a date recently. You can see that desperate glint in her eye. 

ROZ 

Hey! Well yes but...Hey! You can hardly call me desperate after your date last night, Claire may have waxed her moustache but she still isn't anywhere near being the prettiest girl in the playground. Oh come on we need something to make this party more exciting. It's hardly going to be a laugh riot what with a bunch of stuffed shirts from the wine club and Daphne's friends who half the time I have no clue what they are saying. The conversation is hardly going to be free flowing. I might as well bring a defibulator and some smelling salts. 

FRASIER 

I've prepared some games to play to liven things up. 

MARTIN 

And I've planned a murder suicide pact. I wonder which will get the bigger applause? 

ROZ 

Good I'll bring the rat poison. 

MARTIN 

And I've already got the gun. 

ROZ 

Throw in a couple of gophers and this is turning into a party! 

FRASIER 

Fine. Then what do you suggest? We watch a Monster Truck Rally? All get all liquored up and spit over the balcony? A procession of ex's? A 'this is what your last wedding looked like' show-and-tell? 

MARTIN 

Just buy plenty of alcohol. 

FRASIER 

Oh don't panic I won't let anyone touch your beer. 

ROZ 

Are you bringing a date? 

FRASIER 

No, Annie's going to be there. 

MARTIN 

Oh jeez. 

ROZ 

Annie? Who's Annie? 

MARTIN 

Daphne's friend from the ski lodge fiasco. 

ROZ 

But wasn't she fawning all over Niles? 

FRASIER 

Well yes but... 

ROZ 

Either way the woman is obviously delusional. You should get her to call into the show. 

FRASIER 

What does that mean? 

ROZ 

Frasier every woman you date has some kind of mental illness. 

FRASIER 

I object to that! 

ROZ 

Only because it's true. 

FRASIER 

It is not. 

MARTIN 

Are you saying that Lilith and Diane aren't insane? 

FRASIER STARES AT MARTIN BEFORE IGNORING HIM AND TURNING HIS ATTENTION TO ROZ 

FRASIER 

Roz are you still bringing the balloons and the banners? 

MARTIN 

(TO ROZ) In the psychiatric trade we call that avoidance. 

ROZ 

Yes sir. How are we going to put them up with Daphne there? 

FRASIER 

That's already taken care of. She's going to the theatre with Niles that evening. 

ROZ 

Then how do we get them back? Is this where we put all our faith in her psychic skills? 

MARTIN 

If you think about it logically the chances are she already knows there's going to be a party. 

FRASIER 

I'm going to get you to steal the theatre tickets out of Niles' coat pocket. 

ROZ 

Why me? 

MARTIN 

Yeah I was an undercover cop. I have more experience. 

FRASIER 

Yes and if at anytime I need someone to fall asleep with a jelly donut in their mouth while a bank robbery takes place you'll be the first person I ask. 

MARTIN 

That was not my fault. Niles was up all night terrified that Lincoln was in his closet. I could barely keep my eyes open. 

FRASIER 

Yeah that trick back fired somewhat. I want you to do it Roz because you always look shifty. They'll never know that something's going on. 

ROZ STARTS TO STARE OUT THE DOOR 

ROZ 

Oh yes they will. 

FRASIER 

They won't. 

MARTIN FOLLOWS ROZ'S EYE LINE AND LOOKS OUT THE DOOR 

MARTIN 

They will because they're just about to walk through the door. And I'm sorry but I don't think I'm quick enough to poke their eyes out with my cane before they get in here. 

FRASIER SEES THEM COMING AND GASPS 

FRASIER 

Quick hide. 

ROZ AND MARTIN PUSH THEIR CHAIRS BACK SLIGHTLY AND HIDE THEIR HEADS UNDER THE TABLE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Not us, the evidence. 

ROZ 

Where? 

FRASIER 

Well I don't mean in the cappuccino maker now do I? 

FRASIER GRABS ALL OF THE PAPERS OFF THE TABLE AND PUSHES THEM UNDER MARTIN ON HIS CHAIR, MAKING HIM SIT ON THEM 

MARTIN 

Oh great I always wanted a booster seat. Watch your hand Frasier. 

FRASIER THEN TAKES ALL THE COFFEE CUPS AND PUTS THEM ON HIS LAP 

ROZ 

Not the cups, we're not conspiring to drink coffee. 

FRASIER PUTS THE CUPS BACK ON THE TABLE BEFORE PICKING UP A PEN 

FRASIER 

Where do I put this pen? 

MARTIN 

I can think of one place, it may hurt. 

ROZ 

Give it here. Dear God and you went to Harvard you say? 

ROZ PUTS THE PEN IN HER POCKET. SUDDENLY SHE SEES A PIECE OF PAPER ON TOP OF THEIR NAPKINS WHICH SHE SCREWS UP INTO A BALL AND PUTS INTO HER MOUTH BEFORE CHEWING 

FRASIER 

Don't eat that it's the guest list. 

ROZ SPITS THE PAPER BACK OUT AGAIN AND INTO A CUP AS NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER

NILES 

Is that a warning not to have a latte this morning? Have they started serving them in paper cups? Or are you on that all paper diet? 

DAPHNE 

Hello everyone. 

NILES 

Dad you look bigger somehow. 

MARTIN 

Do I? Oh well that's because I'm using a volumising conditioner on my hair. That's added a couple of inches. Not to mention made it easier to handle. 

NILES 

Can I get anyone a coffee? 

FRASIER 

No thanks Niles, in fact we were just leaving. Weren't we? 

DAPHNE 

All of you? 

ROZ 

Yeah...we just need...yes. Let's go. 

FRASIER AND ROZ GET UP AND START TO LEAVE BEFORE NOTICING THAT MARTIN IS STILL SITTING IN HIS CHAIR 

FRASIER 

Dad aren't you coming? 

MARTIN 

I would but I'm having trouble getting up off the chair. 

DAPHNE 

I'll help you. 

DAPHNE TRIES TO LIFT HIM UP 

MARTIN 

No that's fine. 

FRASIER 

Come on Dad. 

MARTIN 

I would but I'm having a pants problem. 

NILES 

Well Roz is well educated in that area. 

FRASIER 

(CONFUSED) Let me see. 

FRASIER BENDS DOWN TO SEE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

(SUDDENLY REALISING) Oh yes I forgot, your pants problem. 

DAPHNE 

You know I think it's time you two stopped living together. You'll be taking each other's temperatures the old fashioned way at this rate. 

FRASIER 

I know why don't we just take the chair with us. I'm sure they won't mind. Are you ready Roz? 

FRASIER AND ROZ BEND DOWN AND PICK UP MARTIN'S CHAIR WITH HIM STILL SITTING AND NOW CLINGING TO IT 

MARTIN 

Remember lift with your legs. 

ROZ 

Bye everyone. 

MARTIN 

Watch my head on the doorframe. 

FRASIER 

Don't worry that new fuller conditioner will soften the blow. 

FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ EXIT AS NILES AND DAPHNE STARE AFTER THEM COMPLETELY BEMUSED 

NILES 

Well that was normal. 

DAPHNE 

Surprise party? 

NILES 

I don't think you need to be psychic to work that out. 

DAPHNE 

They might have taken up lion taming, you never know. That's what they wanted the chair for. Has your brother bought a sparkling jacket and a top hat recently? 

NILES 

Not in the summer, that's more of a winter activity. 

AS THEY GET THEIR COFFEES AND SIT DOWN WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

TITLE CARD: 'THEY'RE OBVIOUSLY NOT SHAPED LIKE HEARTS' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Daphne, Frasier, Niles, Roz, Martin, Annie, Party Guests) 

DAPHNE PUTS A GLASS IN THE SINK AS FRASIER GETS A PLATE OF PARTY FOOD OUT OF THE FRIDGE. THERE IS ALREADY SOME FOOD ON THE COUNTER 

DAPHNE 

You've got a lot of food out for just the three of you. Will you be fetching the treadmill up from the storage space any time soon? 

FRASIER 

Yes I know we have a lot, I think Dad has worms, that why he's eating so much recently. I told him to throw that meat out, but he kept insisting that it was green because it was extremely new cheese not extremely old ham. 

DAPHNE 

I may be his health care worker but there are things that even I don't want to know and that's one of them. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES GETS HIS COAT OFF THE PEG AS MARTIN READS THE PAPER IN HIS CHAIR AND ROZ SITS ON THE COUCH 

NILES 

Whose is the suitcase down the hall? 

FRASIER AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN 

ROZ 

That would be mine. Couldn't you tell by the amount of club eighteen to thirty stickers I have on there? 

NILES 

Oh yes, you obviously haven't used this case for a good ten years then have you? Why have you brought a suitcase? 

ROZ/MARTIN 

It's not a suitcase, it's a purse/I wanted to borrow it. 

DAPHNE 

Well just make sure you wear high heels with it, we wouldn't want you to look silly now would we? 

FRASIER 

(SOTTO TO ROZ) Roz, get the tickets. 

ROZ 

(SOTTO TO FRASIER) I would but Niles is holding his coat. 

FRASIER 

(SOTTO TO ROZ) Then improvise, get it off him. 

ROZ 

(SOTTO TO FRASIER) Isn't that going to look suspicious? 

FRASIER 

(SOTTO TO ROZ) That's exactly why I want you to do it, you always look suspicious, they'll never catch on. 

MARTIN 

So you're going to the theatre right? 

DAPHNE 

That's right. 

MARTIN 

That's nice. 

A BEAT 

NILES 

Well you've certainly exhausted that conversation, thrilling as it was. Daphne we should get going anyway. 

FRASIER 

(PANICKING) No you can't leave yet. 

NILES 

Why? 

MARTIN 

Because it's raining. 

DAPHNE 

No it isn't. 

ROZ 

But it's going to. You don't want to take any chances. 

NILES 

I think the car will protect us. And we can't use any other mode of transport, you generally get frowned upon if you arrive at the theatre on a tandem. 

FRASIER 

But you can't go. 

ROZ 

Because I want to feel your overcoat first. 

NILES 

Excuse me? 

ROZ 

Don't question me, I'm hormonal and I could lash out at any minute and I could break you like a twig. 

NILES 

Take it. 

NILES HANDS ROZ THE COAT AND SHE STARTS TO RUB HERSELF UP IT. SHE THEN TURNS AWAY FROM NILES AND DAPHNE AND WHILE RUBBING HER FACE UP IT STARTS TO GO THROUGH HIS POCKETS 

ROZ 

It feels so nice. And oh my, so many, many, many pockets. 

NILES 

Well when you're quite finished scent marking it, we have to go. 

ROZ 

No not yet, I haven't touched this part. OK I'm done, you can leave now. 

ROZ GIVES NILES HIS COAT BACK AND HE HOLDS IT AT ARMS LENGTH 

DAPHNE 

Bye. 

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT

FRASIER 

OK we have about twenty minutes before they realise and get back. Roz you start to decorate, I'll set out the food. 

FRASIER AND ROZ GO TO EVERY CUPBOARD AND PULL OUT PLATES OF FOOD, BANNERS AND BALLOONS 

MARTIN 

What do I do? 

FRASIER 

Go next door and invite the guests to come in. And thank Mrs. Richmond for letting us hide everyone around there and tell her she's welcome to join us. What do you have in that suitcase? 

MARTIN EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AS ROZ PUTS THE SUITCASE ON THE COUCH AND OPENS IT TO REVEAL BOTTLES AND BOTTLES OF ALCOHOL 

ROZ 

Just something to give the punch a little kick. 

FRASIER 

A kick is fine but that much alcohol will send everybody blind. 

MARTIN ENTERS ALONG WITH SEVERAL PARTY GUESTS THAT CONTINUE TO ENTER THROUGHOUT THE COURSE OF THE SCENE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Ah welcome come on in. Dad can you set out the bar and then you can all help yourselves to a drink. 

FRASIER GETS A PUNCH BOWL FROM OUT OF THE CREDENZA AND STARES INTO IT 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Roz what kind of ice cubes are these? 

ROZ 

Cold ones. 

FRASIER 

I mean what brand? 

MARTIN 

Dear God Frasier they're just ice cubes. It's frozen water. They're all the same, does it really matter where they were made? 

FRASIER 

When they are shaped like rather inappropriate portions of the human anatomy, yes it does. 

ROZ 

Frasier help me move Martin's chair. 

FRASIER AND ROZ PUSH MARTIN'S CHAIR BACK SLIGHTLY 

FRASIER 

Why do we need to move it? 

ROZ 

To make room for the stripper. 

FRASIER 

We are not having a stripper. 

ROZ 

But what if everyone's expecting to see one? 

FRASIER 

Trust me, no one in their right mind is expecting to see a stripper at an engagement party. 

ROZ 

I am. 

FRASIER 

Exactly, no one in their right mind. 

ANNIE ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND FRASIER IMMEDIATELY MOVES TO HER 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Annie! It's so nice to see you again. 

ANNIE 

Come on then, where is he? 

FRASIER 

Where is who? 

ANNIE 

The stripper. I've been out and bought a pair of opera glasses especially. 

FRASIER 

There isn't going to be a stripper. 

ANNIE 

But it says so on the invitations. 

FRASIER 

Roz I'm going to kill you. 

MARTIN 

Oh come on Frasier it is an engagement party. 

FRASIER 

Yes for Niles and Daphne, not Hugh Hefner. 

AS THEY ALL CONTINUE TO PREPARE THE ROOM FOR THE PARTY WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS LOBBY — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Daphne, Niles, Doorman, Attendant, Frasier) 

NILES AND DAPHNE STAND IN THE LOBBY WAITING FOR THE ELEVATOR DOORS TO OPEN AS A DOORMAN STANDS NEAR BY 

DAPHNE 

Now remember to act surprised. 

NILES 

I will I promise. How does this look? 

NILES PULLS A RATHER BIZARRE LOOKING FACE 

DAPHNE 

Like you've just been hit in the face with a frying pan. 

NILES 

Let's see your surprised face then. 

DAPHNE PULLS A SURPRISED FACE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Oh I see that's surprise will an extra dash of trapped wind. 

DAPHNE 

Thanks a lot. 

NILES KISSES HER CHEEK 

NILES 

Oh you know I'm only joking. 

DAPHNE 

And you know I'm not, frying pan face. 

THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN AND NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT INTO THEM BEFORE THEY CLOSE. THE DOORMAN THEN PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS 

DOORMAN 

(ON THE PHONE) They're on their way up. Henry Kissinger, who do you think? 

RESET TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES AND DAPHNE STAND IN THE ELEVATOR 

DAPHNE 

This should be fun, unless they've shipped my mother over. 

NILES 

Then maybe we could try to fake our own deaths. 

DAPHNE 

You're beginning to think like me now. 

NILES 

Ok so how is this for surprised? 

NILES PULLS ANOTHER FACE 

DAPHNE 

Like you need to be sedated. 

NILES 

I see being engaged to a psychiatrist is starting to rub off on you. 

THE ELEVATOR SUDDENLY COMES TO A GRINDING HALT 

NILES (CONT'D) 

We've stopped. 

DAPHNE 

And look at that, being engaged to a psychic is starting to rub off on you. It must be stuck again. They've only just fixed the bloody thing. 

DAPHNE STARTS TO PRESS ALL THE BUTTONS AS NILES BEGINS TO BREATHE REALLY HEAVILY 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Niles, honey, before you start to hyperventilate to the point of passing out, just remember you're taking all the oxygen faster from the lift. 

NILES 

What part of that was supposed to make me feel better? 

DAPHNE 

Honey? 

NILES PICKS UP THE PHONE ON THE CONTROL PANEL 

NILES 

(ON THE PHONE) Hello, we're stuck in one of the elevators at the Elliot Bay Towers. 

ATTENDANT (V.O.) 

Again? Well I'll send a crew out to you as soon as I can but it may take a while. Call back in ten minutes and I'll have a more appropriate time estimate. 

NILES 

Thank you. 

NILES HANGS UP THE PHONE BEFORE TAKING OUT HIS CELL PHONE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

I'd better call Frasier. (ON PHONE) Hi Frasier. 

FRASIER (V.O.) 

Oh Niles where are you? 

NILES 

In your elevator. 

FRASIER (V.O.) 

Oh then I'll see you in a minute. You left your tickets here. 

NILES 

No actually you won't. We can't get out of your elevator. 

FRASIER (V.O.) 

Well whichever old lady is blocking your way, just knock her down and get in here. Oh, unless it's Mrs. Sugden, she will break like a twig. 

NILES 

No that's not it. 

FRASIER (V.O.) 

Are you cornered by a spider again? Get Daphne to stamp on it. It'll probably be a piece of lint again like last time. 

NILES 

No Frasier you don't understand, the elevator has stopped. We're stuck between the sixteenth and seventeenth floors. 

FRASIER (V.O.) 

Well have you called for help? 

NILES 

No I thought I'd use the power of telepathy. Of course I have, but all their crews are out, it may take a while. 

FRASIER (V.O.) 

This is a nightmare it'll ruin everything. 

NILES 

What will? 

FRASIER (V.O.) 

Oh all right I may as well tell you. We're throwing you a surprise engagement party. Everyone is here. 

NILES 

(FAKE SURPRISE) Oh my what a surprise. 

FRASIER (V.O.) 

Can't you climb up to the top of the elevator and pull the switch again? 

NILES 

I don't have anything to climb. 

FRASIER (V.O.) 

Daphne's with you isn't she? 

NILES 

He wants you to give me a boost. 

DAPHNE 

Since when has your brother controlled our sex life? Shouldn't you be lifting me up there? Oh second thoughts no, I'd better do the lifting. You might pull a muscle, or even worse break a nail. 

NILES 

Hold on Frasier. 

NILES PUTS THE PHONE ON THE FLOOR AS DAPHNE HOLDS HER HANDS OUT TO LIFT NILES UP 

DAPHNE 

On the count of three. One, two, three. Well open it. 

NILES REACHES THE ROOF AND STARTS TO PUSH OPEN THE HATCH UNTIL IT STOPS 

NILES 

It won't open any more. 

DAPHNE 

You can squeeze through there can't you? 

NILES TRIES TO SQUEEZE THROUGH THE GAP UNTIL ONLY HIS HIPS ARE HANGING FROM THE CEILING AND THEN STOPS 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Or maybe not. 

NILES 

Fantastic now I'm stuck. 

DAPHNE PICKS UP THE PHONE 

FRASIER (V.O.) 

What's going on? 

DAPHNE 

We're just experiencing a few technical difficulties. Hold on. 

DAPHNE GRABS HOLD ON NILES LEGS 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

I've got you. Now let go. 

NILES LET'S GO BUT HE DOESN'T MOVE, INSTEAD BECAUSE DAPHNE IS HANGING ON AND PULLING SO HARD ON HIS LEGS, NILES' SUSPENDERS SNAP UNDONE AND HIS TROUSERS FALL AND HANG AROUND HIS ANKLES 

FRASIER (V.O.) 

What's happening now? 

DAPHNE 

Now Niles isn't wearing any pants. 

FRASIER (V.O.) 

I wish I hadn't asked. 

DAPHNE PUTS THE PHONE BACK ON THE FLOOR 

DAPHNE 

Let me try again. 

NILES 

Watch my underwear. 

DAPHNE 

It's right in my face, I have no option but to watch it. One more time. 

DAPHNE CLINGS TO HIS LEGS ONE MORE TIME AND PULLS, EVENTUALLY NILES FALLS AND LANDS ON THE FLOOR ON DAPHNE 

NILES 

Hello. 

DAPHNE 

We really should stop meeting like this. 

NILES 

Is there any chance you have a can opener in your purse? 

DAPHNE 

Not on a weekend. 

AS THEY BOTH STAND UP WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(D) 

TITLE CARD: 'ALL SHOOK UP' 

FADE IN: 

INT. 19TH FLOOR HALLWAY — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Martin, Frasier, Roz, Annie, Niles, Daphne, Eddie) 

FRASIER PRESSES HIS EAR UP THE ELEVATOR DOORS AS MARTIN, ROZ AND ANNIE ENTER INTO THE HALLWAY TO JOIN HIM 

MARTIN 

What's going on? Is anyone coming to fix it? 

FRASIER 

Not for a while. 

ROZ 

Well that's no reason to spoil the party. 

FRASIER 

But the guests of honour are stuck in a tiny box several floors below us. 

ROZ 

What's your point? 

ANNIE 

Isn't there anyway we can still include them? 

FRASIER 

Like how? 

ROZ 

Pry open the elevator doors and throw food down to them. 

FRASIER 

Oh what a fabulous idea. Better still why don't we throw a fireman's hose down there and flood them out. That way we won't have to send food to them, they'll come to the food. 

MARTIN 

Great idea. 

MARTIN EXITS INSIDE THE APARTMENT 

FRASIER 

I wasn't serious. 

MARTIN ENTERS WITH TWO SCREWDRIVERS AND HANDS ONE TO FRASIER 

MARTIN 

Here Frasier take this screwdriver, we'll pry it open. 

ANNIE 

Shouldn't you use someone strong for that job? 

MARTIN GIVES THE SCREWDRIVER TO ROZ AND THEY PRY THE DOOR OPEN 

MARTIN 

Good point, Roz you help me. OK, one, two, three. Niles, Daphne can you guys hear me? 

NILES 

(OFF STAGE) Loud and clear. What's going on? 

MARTIN 

We've got the doors open up here so we're going to throw you some food down. 

DAPHNE 

(OFF STAGE) That's fine. Anything except hot soup. 

FRASIER 

How does a crab puff sound? 

FRASIER EXITS INSIDE AS ANNIE BEGINS TO MAKE SOME RATHER STRANGE NOISES ALMOST LIKE A PENGUIN 

ANNIE 

Isn't that how they sound? I didn't even know crabs made noises, let alone gay crabs. 

DAPHNE 

(OFF STAGE) Hello Annie. 

ANNIE 

(OFF STAGE) Hi Daphne. 

FRASIER ENTERS WITH A TRAY OF CRAB PUFFS WITH EDDIE FOLLOWING WATCHING THE TRAY. FRASIER KNEELS ON THE FLOOR AND THROWS A CRAB PUFF DOWN THE ELEVATOR SHAFT 

FRASIER 

Here you go. Have you got it? 

NILES 

(OFF STAGE) No. 

ROZ 

You missed. Give it here. 

ROZ KNEELS DOWN PICKS UP A CRAB PUFF AND THROWS IT RATHER VIOLENTLY 

RESET TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES AND DAPHNE STAND UNDER THE OPENING WITH THEIR HANDS CUPPED READY TO CATCH THE CRAB PUFFS. SUDDENLY ONE FLIES THROUGH THE HOLE AND HITS NILES IN THE FACE BEFORE LANDING ON THE FLOOR 

MARTIN 

(OFF STAGE) Did you get it? 

NILES 

Yes, right in the eye. Thank you. 

RESET TO: 

INT. 19TH FLOOR HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND ROZ REMAIN ON THE FLOOR THROWING CRAB PUFFS WITH MARTIN AND ANNIE WATCHING. EDDIE IS BECOMING INCREASINGLY INTERESTED IN THE CRAB PUFFS AND TRIES TO FOLLOW THEM AS THEY DISAPPEAR DOWN THE ELEVATOR SHAFT. MARTIN TAKES HOLD ON HIS COLLAR 

MARTIN 

Eddie, no get back. Eddie, no. Go away. 

DAPHNE 

(OFF STAGE) Is this what they mean by fast food? 

ROZ AND ANNIE EXIT INSIDE 

MARTIN 

Watch Eddie for me. I'm going to get a drink. 

MARTIN EXITS INSIDE AND SO EDDIE IMMEDIATELY TRIES TO EAT OFF THE TRAY 

FRASIER 

Get away from there. Leave the crab puffs alone. On second thoughts. 

FRASIER PICKS UP A CRAB PUFF, LETS EDDIE SMELL IT TO GET HIS ATTENTION AND THE GESTURES TO THROW IT DOWN THE ELEVATOR SHAFT TO GET EDDIE TO FOLLOW IT AS MARTIN ENTERS

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Go get it Eddie. Get the crab puff. Jump boy. Oh hi Dad. 

MARTIN 

Do you guys want a beer? 

FRASIER 

Don't give them beer. We have champagne. I'll get a bottle. 

FRASIER EXITS INSIDE BEFORE RE-ENTERING CARRYING A BOTTLE WITH ANNIE AND ROZ

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

We need something to soften the blow or it'll break. 

MARTIN 

Oh it's not that far. 

MARTIN TAKES THE BOTTLE OFF FRASIER AND DROPS IT DOWN THE SHAFT 

RESET TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES AND DAPHNE STAND READY TO CATCH THE BOTTLE 

SFX: THUD AND A SMASH

DAPHNE QUICKLY MOVES AWAY FROM THE OPENING BUT NILES REMAINS AS BEFORE AS THE CHAMPAGNE STARTS TO DRIP THEN POUR THROUGH THE HATCH ALL OVER HIM 

DAPHNE 

I think I saw this scene in Silence of the Lambs. 

NILES 

Thanks for the shower Dad, but I think a cushion may help. 

RESET TO: 

INT. 19TH FLOOR HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

ROZ 

I'll get one. 

ROZ AND MARTIN EXIT INSIDE 

FRASIER 

No not my couch cushion. 

ROZ AND MARTIN RE-ENTER CARRYING A CUSHION AND A BOTTLE RESPECTIVELY 

ROZ 

Why not? 

FRASIER 

Because it's a replica of the one Coco Chanel had in her Paris atelier. 

ROZ 

Oh big deal. 

FRASIER 

But it's covered in grease. 

ROZ 

Have you never heard of club soda? 

ROZ THROWS THE CUSHION DOWN THE SHAFT 

MARTIN 

Oh stop pulling that face, it's a couch cushion. 

FRASIER 

I've just suddenly become alarmed at how easily you managed to pry the doors open without some sort of an alarm going off. 

MARTIN 

Here we go again. 

MARTIN LEANS OVER, TAKES AIM AND DROPS THE BOTTLE DOWN THE SHAFT 

SFX: THUD AND A SMASH

NILES 

(OFF STAGE) And once again, thanks so much for the shower. 

ANNIE 

I thought you said we weren't going to flood them out. 

MARTIN 

Let's go back to beer cans they won't break. 

ROZ EXITS AND RE-ENTERS WITH A SIX PACK. MARTIN AND ROZ THEN START TO THROW THE CANS DOWN THE SHAFT 

SFX: SEVERAL LOUD THUDS

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

Have you got one yet? 

RESET TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE 

No not yet. 

NILES 

(SHOUTS) And will you stop throwing cans on the roof. I don't particularly want to plummet to the basement today. 

A CAN THEN BOUNCES OFF THE ROOF OF THE ELEVATOR AND FALLS DOWN BANGING ON THE FLOOR 

DAPHNE 

I got one. Stop throwing them. We'll share it. 

DAPHNE PICKS UP THE CAN AND OPENS IT. NATURALLY THE SHAKING AND THE FALL HAVE CAUSED THE BEER TO FIZZ UP AND SPRAYS ALL OVER BOTH OF THEM 

NILES 

Thanks for my half. That's really quenched my thirst. 

AS THEY BOTH GET THE BEER OUT OF THEIR EYES WE: 

FADE OUT 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Daphne, Niles) 

NILES AND DAPHNE SIT SLUMPED UP THE BACK WALL OF THE ELEVATOR, WITH THEIR LEGS STRETCHED OUT 

DAPHNE 

God I'm bored 

NILES 

Well we can play eye spy if you want but I can guarantee it'll start to get repetitive after a while. 

DAPHNE 

Oh wait I've got an idea. 

NILES 

Charades? 

DAPHNE 

I was thinking of something a little more physical. 

NILES 

Speed charades? 

DAPHNE 

Something that's guaranteed to make you work up a sweat. 

NILES 

Daphne you don't mean...? 

DAPHNE NODS AT HIM AND THEN STARTS TO LOOSEN HIS TIE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

But we're in the elevator. 

DAPHNE 

Exactly no one's watching. 

NILES 

But all those positions I have to get into, it's so exhausting. 

DAPHNE 

You know you want to. 

NILES 

But I'm still recovering from the last time. I pulled a muscle. 

DAPHNE 

Oh go on. 

NILES 

I don't think I have the stamina. 

DAPHNE 

Oh yes you do, at least you should with all those protein shakes I've been giving you. 

NILES 

I just don't have the coordination. I can never remember where everything is supposed to go. 

DAPHNE 

It's just like riding a bike. 

NILES 

But I've never been able to do that either. Oh what the hell, you only live once. 

CUT TO: 

(F) 

CUT TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Daphne, Niles) 

A TWISTER MAT NOW COVERS THE FLOOR AS NILES POSITIONS HIMSELF OVER THE CIRCLES AND DAPHNE STANDS ON THE EDGE SPINNING THE BOARD 

DAPHNE 

Right leg blue. 

NILES BENDS OVER COMPLETELY WITH HIS BACKSIDE IN THE FACE FACING THE ELEVATOR DOORS 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Now there's a pretty picture if the doors should happen to open right now. 

NILES 

Daphne once again, why do you carry this game around with you in your purse? 

DAPHNE 

For emergencies just like this. 

AS THEY CONTINUE TO PLAY TWISTER WE: 

FADE OUT. 

(G) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Annie, Martin, Roz, Party Guests) 

THE PARTY CONTINUES BUT WITH A VISUALLY OBVIOUS CLASS DIVIDE IN THE ROOM WITH NILES FRIENDS TO THE RIGHT AND DAPHNE'S FRIENDS TO THE LEFT WITH FRASIER, MARTIN, ROZ AND ANNIE IN THE MIDDLE. FRASIER TALKS TO ANNIE NEAR THE ISLAND 

FRASIER 

So Annie are you enjoying the party? 

ANNIE 

I'd be enjoying it more if you had kept your promise about the stripper. 

FRASIER 

In truth there was never going to be a stripper. 

ANNIE 

But you said there would be on the invitations. That's false advertising. I could have you up in front of the trading standards for that. 

ANNIE MOVES TO THE BAR AS FRASIER JOINS MARTIN AND ROZ 

MARTIN 

How's it going with Annie? 

FRASIER 

Not well. 

ROZ 

Never mind, things might improve. 

FRASIER 

Only if I lather myself up in baby oil, squeeze into a thong and dance for money. 

MARTIN 

Oh jeez. 

ROZ 

I would like to sleep again some time in the future you know. 

FRASIER 

Thank you all so much. 

MARTIN 

You know Frasier, maybe we should do something to liven up this party. 

ROZ 

Yeah, there seems to be a slight class divide. 

FRASIER 

We do need to get them to mingle. How about a game? 

MARTIN 

No get them to mingle, not throw themselves over the balcony. 

FRASIER 

Then what do you suggest? 

ROZ 

Let me give the punch a little kick. 

FRASIER 

You'll understand that I don't particularly want to see everyone from the wine club vomit and pass out in my apartment. 

ROZ 

(GUILTILY) Oh really? 

FRASIER 

Why what did you do to it? 

ROZ 

Nothing. 

FRASIER 

Roz? 

ANNIE STAGGERS OVER WITH A GLASS OF PUNCH 

ANNIE 

God blimey, have you tried that punch? It peels your gums off your teeth. Two glasses of that and I'll be flirting with anyone. 

FRASIER 

Really? 

ANNIE 

Well almost anyone. 

MARTIN 

Let's put some music on. 

FRASIER 

What a fabulous idea. I have a new recording of Tosca. 

FRASIER RUNS TO THE STEREO 

MARTIN 

Did you bring the rat poison? 

ROZ 

Yeah, go and get your gun. 

AS FRASIER STARTS TO PLAY HIS CD WE: 

FADE OUT 

(H) 

FADE IN: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Daphne, Niles, Roz, Martin, Annie, Frasier, Fireman, Mechanic) 

DAPHNE AND NILES SIT ON THE FLOOR AS BEFORE 

DAPHNE 

There are twenty-seven ceiling tiles in this lift. 

NILES 

Does that include the hatch? 

DAPHNE 

Yes. 

NILES 

Wow. 

DAPHNE 

Oh my God, I'm bored. I could never live in a box. 

NILES 

Well what shall we do now? We've run out of games and playing hide and seek would be a completely wasted exercise. 

DAPHNE 

This is our party after all. 

NILES 

And we'll cry if we want to? 

DAPHNE 

Or we could just have sex. 

NILES 

A far better idea. 

THEY KISS 

ROZ 

(OFF STAGE) So how are you two doing? 

DAPHNE 

We were doing just fine. 

ROZ 

(OFF STAGE) Frasier's put his opera recordings on. That's pretty much killed the party. Not that you two being stuck in there didn't. 

NILES 

That's nice. 

ROZ 

I bet you must be getting bored now. 

NILES 

Not really Roz. 

RESET TO: 

INT. 19TH FLOOR HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

ROZ SITS ON THE FLOOR BY THE ELEVATOR DOOR AS MARTIN ENTERS

MARTIN 

Roz, help me gather everyone together to play charades or something. 

DAPHNE 

(OFF STAGE) What a fabulous idea. Both of you go inside and have some fun. 

ROZ 

We can't exclude you guys. 

NILES 

(OFF STAGE) Oh believe me you can. 

MARTIN 

We can't play in there anyway what with Frasier and his opera recordings wailing on and on. 

DAPHNE 

(OFF STAGE) Then might I suggest going to your room? 

MARTIN 

No, we'll just play out here. 

ROZ 

I'll go and get everyone. 

MARTIN 

It's mainly Daphne friends, everyone else is playing air violins. 

ROZ 

Oh joy. 

RESET TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES AND DAPHNE SIT AS BEFORE 

NILES 

Typical. 

DAPHNE 

My poor little sexually frustrated baby. 

NILES 

It's high school all over again. 

DAPHNE 

Well there is one difference. 

NILES 

I don't have Frasier complaining about the same thing from across the room? 

DAPHNE 

No, this time you're on a promise for later. 

SHE KISSES HIM 

MARTIN 

(OFF STAGE) Come on out everybody. Let's split into two teams. Ok Niles why don't you go first? 

THEY BOTH STAND UP 

NILES 

And how are you supposed to see what I'm doing? 

ANNIE 

(OFF STAGE) Just do really big gestures. 

NILES 

Please tell me she's not that stupid. 

DAPHNE 

She's not that stupid. 

NILES 

Are you lying? 

DAPHNE 

Yes. 

RESET TO: 

INT. 19TH FLOOR HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN, ROZ AND ANNIE STAND IN THE HALL ALONG WITH OTHER PARTY GUESTS

ROZ 

Daphne why don't you describe what he's doing. 

DAPHNE 

(OFF STAGE) Right now he's frowning and pulling a face like he's chewing on a scorpion. 

ANNIE 

Is it a movie? Twelve Angry Men. 

NILES 

(OFF STAGE) I haven't started yet. What does it have to be? A movie? A book? What? 

MARTIN 

Let's start with a movie. 

ROZ 

Nothing with subtitles. 

NILES 

(OFF STAGE) Fine. 

DAPHNE 

(OFF STAGE) He's holding up two fingers. 

ANNIE 

You mean swearing? 

NILES 

(OFF STAGE) No as in that's how many words it is. 

MARTIN 

Niles, you're not allowed to speak. Do it again and I'll dock your team points. 

DAPHNE 

(OFF STAGE) OK now I think he's swearing. 

ROZ 

Can we just get on with the game? Playing air violins with the wine club is becoming more appealing by the minute. 

RESET TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES STANDS POINTING AT HIMSELF WITH DAPHNE WATCHING 

DAPHNE 

He's pointing to himself. 

ROZ 

(OFF STAGE) Man, person, weenie, jerk. 

DAPHNE 

Now he's rolling his eyes. 

ANNIE 

(OFF STAGE) The Rolling Jerk. 

DAPHNE 

He's pointing to himself again. 

ANNIE 

(OFF STAGE) Human, male. 

ROZ 

(OFF STAGE) Doctor? 

DAPHNE 

He's giving you the thumbs up. Now he's giving the sign for the second word. And now he's shaking his head. 

ANNIE 

(OFF STAGE) That must mean the first words wrong. Short, guy, bloke, geeza? 

ROZ 

(OFF STAGE) Adult? Is he pointing to his head or his chest? 

NILES 

The first word was right, I'm doing the second word. 

MARTIN 

(OFF STAGE) That's it, Niles I'm docking your team one point for talking. 

RESET TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES SIGHS AND STARTS TO SHAKE HIS HEAD AS DAPHNE WATCHES 

ROZ 

(OFF STAGE) Now what's he doing? 

NILES STOPS SHAKING HIS HEAD AND CORNERS DAPHNE IN THE ELEVATOR 

DAPHNE 

He's still shaking his head and... 

NILES KISSES HER 

ANNIE 

(OFF STAGE) And what? 

DAPHNE 

Sorry I got a little distracted there. He's pursing his lips. 

NILES KISSES HER AGAIN 

RESET TO: 

INT. 19TH FLOOR HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

EVERYONE LOOKS RATHER CONFUSED AS THEY THINK OF THE TITLE 

ANNIE 

Are you sure this isn't some sort of porn film? 

FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE APARTMENT 

FRASIER 

What are you all doing outside here? 

MARTIN 

Playing charades. You go back inside and play your little musical guessing game. 

FRASIER 

But that isn't right. We should all be together it's a party. 

ROZ 

How can we all be together when two of us are stuck in an elevator? 

NILES 

(OFF STAGE) Don't mind us. 

DAPHNE 

(OFF STAGE) We're fine. 

FRASIER 

I have an idea. Let's all go back inside and we can have some speeches for the future Dr. and Mrs. Crane. 

MARTIN 

How is that possible, with them down there and us up here? 

FRASIER 

Niles do you still have your cell phone? 

NILES 

(OFF STAGE) I've hardly been anywhere to loose it Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Then we'll put you on speakerphone. Come on everyone in. We're going to have the speeches now. 

FRASIER, MARTIN, ROZ, ANNIE AND THE REST OF THE PARTY GUESTS EXIT INSIDE 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

EVERYONE PICKS UP A GLASS AND GETS READY TO MAKE A TOAST WHILE FRASIER STANDS BY THE PHONE 

MARTIN 

What are you waiting for? 

FRASIER 

Niles to call me. 

MARTIN 

Why don't you just call him? 

FRASIER 

But what if he's trying to call me? We'll both be engaged. 

MARTIN 

Just call him. 

FRASIER 

No, I'll wait, for him to call me, I'm always calling him. 

ROZ MOVES TO THE FRONT DOOR 

ROZ 

For God's sake. Niles are you calling Frasier, or do you want him to call you? 

SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING

FRASIER PICKS UP THE PHONE 

FRASIER 

Hello Frasier Crane. Oh hello Niles. 

FRASIER PUTS IT ON SPEAKER PHONE 

NILES 

Who else did you expect it to be? The Pope? Or Lilith saying she feels like torturing you and wants you to get remarried? 

A FIREMAN ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

FIREMAN 

Hello, I believe you have some trouble with the... 

ANNIE 

The stripper's here! 

ANNIE GRABS THE FIREMAN AND DRAGS HIM TO THE COUCH 

FRASIER 

I didn't hire a stripper. 

FIREMAN 

Wait I'm not a... 

ANNIE 

Shake that moneymaker. 

ROZ TRIES TO TAKE HIS COAT OFF 

FRASIER 

I didn't hire a stripper! This is assault you could go to jail. 

FIREMAN 

I thought you had a problem with your elevator shaft. 

ROZ 

Oh we have. 

RESET TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS LOBBY — CONTINUOUS

A MECHANIC HAS A PANEL OPEN NEXT TO THE ELEVATOR DOOR AND SHINES A FLASHLIGHT INTO IT 

MECHANIC 

And I think we've got it. 

RESET TO: 

INT. 19TH FLOOR HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN AND NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER INTO THE HALLWAY. FRASIER ENTER INTO THE HALLWAY 

FRASIER 

Surprise! 

NILES 

(FAKE ENTHUSIASM) Oh my God. 

DAPHNE 

Oh what a surprise. 

AS THEY ALL EXIT INSIDE THE APARTMENT WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: THE FIREMAN EXITS INTO THE HALLWAY SHUTTING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. HE LOOKS EXTREMELY FLUSTERED DRAGGING HIS COAT ALONG THE FLOOR, HIS SUSPENDERS HANGING AROUND HIS WAIST AND HIS T-SHIRT PULLED OUT. HIS FACE IS COVERED WITH LIPSTICK MARKS. AS HE PRESSES FOR THE ELEVATOR HE PUTS HIS HAND DOWN HIS TROUSERS AND PULLS OUT A WAD OF CASH AND STARTS TO COUNT IT. 


	4. Episode Four

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_To stand a chance of winning a week on the voyage of the damned complete with champagne in your eyes, a tiny woman that looks like a hat rack and a cheesy Latin singer (no I'm not talking about Ricky Martin) please send feedback to Kelly_simba@hotmail.com. _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Nine Episode Four   
Dressed To Kill 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: 'THANK GOD ROZ GOT THE BIKINI' 

FADE IN: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Roz, Anthony (VO) 

FRASIER AND ROZ SIT ON THEIR RESPECTIVE SIDES OF THE BOOTH. FRASIER IS SLUMPED SLIGHTLY IN HIS CHAIR RESTING HIS HEAD IN HIS HAND AS HE TALKS WITH A CALLER ANTHONY

FRASIER 

Now Anthony, explain to me again exactly what she did. And once again let me remind you as I told Salle earlier in the programme don't draw any diagrams to help explain because I can't see them no matter how much I try to use my telepathic abilities. As I've stated before I don't have any telepathic abilities. 

ANTHONY 

She won't curb her dog. 

FRASIER 

And that's it? 

ANTHONY 

It's a big dog. Well I call it a dog because I don't know what the technical term for barking generically engineered super horse is. It's like I've had a herd of elephant's soil themselves on my front step. The pile is so big it has snow on the top and a couple of mountain goats. I have explorers outside my house, lining up wanting to climb it to plant a flag and get into the record books. I couldn't get out of my front door yesterday. I had to climb over the fence and clear it up with a snowplough. 

FRASIER 

I have a feeling you may be exaggerating slightly there. 

ANTHONY 

Did you see it? Did you wake up to the smell of a rendering plant outside your window? It was so strong made my eyes water. 

FRASIER 

Well no but... 

ANTHONY 

Then how do you know I'm exaggerating? I've been trying to sell my house for months and it doesn't help having that mess starring at everyone in the kisser when they try to ring on the doorbell. One guy slipped and fell head first into it, needless to say he didn't buy the house. 

FRASIER 

That is still no reason to go out and illegally buy an alligator and put it in her swimming pool. The woman has lost three fingers and the end of her nose and it's only been in there for three hours. 

ANTHONY 

But she's been asking for it. 

FRASIER 

She's an eighty year old arthritic nun, you shouldn't be doing things like this to her. 

ANTHONY 

But she keeps hurling abuse at me. 

FRASIER 

She has Tourette's syndrome, it's a serious medical condition. 

ANTHONY 

Hey, she may have immunity from God but not from me pal. Do you not think it's strange that an elderly nun can afford a house with a swimming pool? I thought they forsake all worldly possessions. 

FRASIER 

Well yes but... 

ANTHONY 

If you ask me she's had her hand in the till. 

FRASIER 

Are you now accusing her of stealing from the church? 

ANTHONY 

You haven't seen that shifty look in her eye. I wouldn't be surprised if she tries to break into my house during the night with the intention of smothering me. 

FRASIER 

It wouldn't surprise me if anyone tried to do that to you Anthony. 

FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE LINE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Thank you for your call. I see that we've come to the end of the show, so all that's left for me to say is, this is Dr. Frasier Crane saying have a great day Seattle and good mental health. 

AS FRASIER GOES OFF THE AIR ROZ ENTERS INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH 

ROZ 

You've been snippy today. Let me guess another bad date? I think the time has come Frasier when you should just give up and become celibate to save yourself the stress and to save us from hearing about it. You're beginning to make my ears bleed with your constant whining. People who have seen their entire village burn down around them and are forced to sleep in a hole don't whine as much as you do. 

FRASIER 

I see so I should just go and be neutered? 

ROZ 

It's not a bad idea for a couple of reasons. Hell if it were me, I wouldn't even bother to do that. I'd be at home right now sucking on a bottle of bleach and drain cleaner. Hoping to come back in the next life as something a little less pitiful, like a earwig or a dung beetle. 

FRASIER 

Well thank you so much Miss. Sunshine. May I recommend that you never apply for a job on a suicide hotline? The objective is to save the callers not make them walk in front of a bus quicker. My date with Robin went extremely well thank you. We even made plans to go out together again at the end of the week. 

ROZ 

Then what's the matter? 

FRASIER 

I'm just glad it's Friday I've had enough of everyone's problems for one week. I just want to go home and relax in a lovely lavender scented warm bath. 

ROZ 

Oh course you do Miss but not for another hour you're not. 

FRASIER 

Why? Has Kenny started giving people detention for not completing their promos on time? Surely you could pin him to the ground while I make a run for it. 

ROZ 

We've got a meeting to discuss what we're doing for the KACL charity drive. I thought you wanted to be there to make sure they don't put you down for anything humiliating again this year. 

FRASIER 

What could be more humiliating then making me wearing a bright yellow chicken costume last year while I did my show? I was sweating like some sort of farm animal. That thing itched like crazy, I could barely keep my mind on my callers. 

ROZ 

I know you told a narcoleptic that the solution to his problems would be to get more sleep. So are you not going? 

FRASIER 

No, I just want to relax. 

FRASIER PICKS UP HIS BRIEFCASE AND GOES TO LEAVE 

ROZ 

Fine well be it on your head. 

FRASIER 

You're still going aren't you? 

ROZ 

Yeah, I want to wear more then a bikini and a unicorn horn this year. So don't make out that it was the chicken suit that made you so hot and sweaty and distracted you from your callers. Your drool nearly short-circuited the phone lines. 

FRASIER 

Someone certainly has a high opinion of herself. 

ROZ 

That's right and his face whizzes around the street on the side of buses. 

FRASIER 

That was a nightmare day all around. It took them hours to pry Noel off the glass from where he'd been starring at you. You can still see his outline and the scratches from when they brought in the Jaws of Life to remove him. He had to be sedated. If you even say the word needle to him he starts to twitch uncontrollably. Anyway you can make sure they don't put me down for anything awful this year. 

ROZ 

And what exactly do I get in exchange? 

FRASIER 

You don't have to hear me complain about it. 

FRASIER EXITS FROM THE BOOTH 

ROZ 

Oh joy. 

AS ROZ GOES BACK INTO HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Martin, Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Roz, Eddie) 

NILES AND DAPHNE LIE ON THE COUCH LOOKING ASLEEP AS MARTIN AND EDDIE ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN. MARTIN CARRIES A NEW SQUEAKY TOY AS HE SITS DOWN IN HIS CHAIR AND TRIES TO OPEN THE BAG THE TOY IS IN 

MARTIN 

Ok Eddie, let me just unwrap it. It's been wrapped in some old ladies hair net. But as long as the old lady isn't in it, who cares? Oh shoot I can't do it without scissors. Can one of you two help me? 

DAPHNE AND NILES SPEAK WITHOUT MOVING A MUSCLE NOT EVEN OPENING THEIR EYES 

DAPHNE 

Does it involve moving? 

MARTIN 

Yeah I need some scissors. 

DAPHNE 

Then no. You can open the drawer from there. Just use the force Mr. Crane, use the force. 

MARTIN 

Oh come on help a little dog. 

NILES 

Fine, I'll take him to the vets in the morning he won't feel a thing. 

MARTIN GLARES AT NILES 

DAPHNE 

I can tell without looking he's scowling at you. 

MARTIN 

There's that psychic ability of yours again. 

NILES 

Now I can tell without looking she's scowling at you. 

MARTIN 

Come on help an old man in need. 

DAPHNE 

Have you fallen? 

NILES 

Are you being mugged? 

DAPHNE 

Are you being mauled by a tiger? 

MARTIN 

No. 

NILES 

To which question? 

MARTIN 

All of them. 

DAPHNE 

Then no. 

MARTIN 

You'll regret this when I'm gone. 

NILES GOES TO SIT UP 

NILES 

Oh fine. Wait I hear keys. 

NILES LIES BACK DOWN 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Ask Frasier. 

FRASIER ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR LOOKING EXTREMELY AGITATED 

MARTIN 

You're late. 

FRASIER 

That's because I was stuck behind a five-car pile up after a women braked suddenly to avoid a pigeon on the road. 

MARTIN 

That's a good thing to do she saved its life. 

FRASIER 

It was already dead. 

MARTIN 

How do you know? 

FRASIER 

Because it was already dead when I drove over it on my way to work this morning. The fact that it was smeared across the road and she had to scrape it up with a spatula should have tipped her off. How long have the sleeping beauties's been like this? 

MARTIN 

About an hour. 

FRASIER PICKS UP ONE OF NILES' SHOES BY THE SHOELACE 

FRASIER 

So two sets of dirty shoes have been on my couch for an hour? It's a sign I wasn't here to supervise. Oh Niles you've trodden in some gum. 

FRASIER LIFTS NILES' LEGS UP INTO THE AIR TO PULL HIS SHOES OFF 

NILES 

Frasier my leg doesn't actually bend that way. 

MARTIN 

It will from now on. 

FRASIER DROPS NILES' SHOES ON THE FLOOR AND LET'S GO OF HIS LEGS CAUSING THEM TO BOUNCE OFF THE ARM OF THE COUCH 

NILES 

Is there any chance you can pop my hip back in place? Thank you. I'm sorry Frasier but I'm exhausted. 

NILES AND DAPHNE BOTH SIT UP 

FRASIER 

Why? 

NILES 

Well if you must know, it's because of sex. 

FRASIER 

Oh stop complaining. There are two people... 

EDDIE BARKS 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Sorry three people in here would give their right arm for what you have. 

NILES 

If it were me I wouldn't be complaining, I'd be crowing. 

DAPHNE 

It's cats. 

MARTIN 

You have the cast of Cats next door? 

NILES 

Yes Dad the sound of people singing 'Memory' has always given me sleepless nights. Hearing 'The Phantom of the Opera' has always given me convulsions. The neighbourhood cats have found a new place to meet and exchange sexual favours. 

DAPHNE 

Right outside the bedroom window. 

FRASIER 

Oh I see. 

DAPHNE 

So have we. If we look anymore I'm afraid of going blind. 

NILES 

And some of them are extremely easy. They don't stop until the sun comes up and the garbage men chase them away. 

DAPHNE 

It got so bad last night, I had to dig out his nasal spray because the noise was setting off his allergies. 

MARTIN 

Frasier can you get me the scissors from the draw please? 

FRASIER GETS THEM FROM THE DRAWER AND GIVES THEM TO MARTIN WHO OPENS UP THE BAG FOR EDDIE 

FRASIER 

Sure what do you want them for? 

MARTIN GIVES EDDIE THE TOY WHICH MAKES A LOUD SQUEAKING NOISE EVERY TIME HE BITES IT 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

I forgot to ask if they were for you to perform good or evil I'll remember next time. 

NILES 

Oh joy, I have to contend with cats during the night, a dog and his squeaker during the day and conversations about pigeons. Is there any place I can go to escape the local wildlife. 

FRASIER 

Couldn't you have found him anything noisier to play with like a machine gun or a nuclear bomb? 

MARTIN 

Leave him alone he's having fun. 

FRASIER 

He'll have even more fun in a moment when I let him follow it over the balcony. 

DAPHNE 

What's wrong with you? 

NILES 

It can't possibly be as bad as my problem. Except of course if you have a group of horses showing extremely amorous behaviour outside your bedroom window. 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER 

I'm just tired. Relaxation is just what the doctor ordered. 

FRASIER CROSSES AND ANSWERS THE DOOR. ENTER ROZ

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Oh hello Roz. What are you doing here? 

ROZ 

I thought you might like to know about what you'll be doing for the charity drive. 

FRASIER 

Of course. Oh can I count on the three of you to sponsor me? 

NILES 

Don't we always? 

MARTIN 

Any chance it's a sponsored silence? 

FRASIER 

I'm hardly going to do a sponsored silence live on the radio. 

MARTIN 

I can dream can't I? 

FRASIER 

So what is it to be? Locked in the stocks and have wet sponges thrown at me? Sit in a bathtub full of baked beans while I do my show? 

ROZ 

You have to dress up like a co-worker for the day. 

FRASIER 

That's not so bad anything is better then that chicken suit. 

DAPHNE 

You've only got to wear a bow tie and pull a face like you're smelling a wet Dash hound and you could go as Gil Chesterton. 

ROZ 

It's not going to be that easy. It was decided in your absence that everyone should dress as the person that they're closest to at the station. 

FRASIER 

Which means? 

ROZ 

I have to dress up as you. 

FRASIER 

And? 

ROZ 

You have to dress like me. 

FRASIER SUDDENLY HAS A HORRIFIED EXPRESSION PLASTERED ALL OVER HIS FACE AS MARTIN, NILES AND DAPHNE START TO LAUGH UNCONTROLLABLY, ROZ ON THE OTHER HAND REALLY TRIES TO COMPOSE HER 

MARTIN 

Now I'll pay to see that. 

NILES 

How does a thousand dollars an hour sound? 

FRASIER 

There is no chance in hell... 

NILES 

That you're going to fit in Roz's shoes. You'll never fit in those high heels. 

ROZ 

Forgot my shoes, there's no way he'll fit in any of my clothes. They'll be no borrowing you can go out and buy your own teddy. 

FRASIER 

I am not dressing in drag even if it is for charity. 

ROZ 

But it's for a very worthy cause. 

FRASIER 

What worthy cause? 

ROZ 

It's for...erm...orphans. 

FRASIER 

I'm not doing it. 

ROZ 

You have to. 

FRASIER 

I'll speak with Kenny and get him to change his mind. 

ROZ 

It's too late. Gil's already made the announcement on his show and the press have been informed. 

FRASIER 

Oh my God. 

NILES 

You won't be the only one dressed like that. 

ROZ 

Actually he will be everyone else has same sex producers. 

FRASIER 

I can't do that I'm a doctor. 

NILES 

Then you're going to be a doctor in drag. 

MARTIN 

That could be your new catch phrase. 'Now not only my show is a drag.' 

FRASIER 

You two are just lapping this up aren't you? 

NILES 

Oh come on Frasier I took enough ribbing off you during prep school when I always had to play a woman. How does it feel now that the three-inch spike is on the other foot? 

ROZ 

Oh come on Frasier do it for your fans. 

FRASIER 

My fans want to see me dress in drag? 

ROZ 

Yeah especially Bill from Tacoma who sends you his nose hair clippings and a picture of himself in a teddy. 

DAPHNE 

Oh come on Dr. Crane it's not that bad. It's only while you do your show, only us and a handful of people at the station will even see you. 

FRASIER 

I guess you're right. 

ROZ 

If only she were. 

FRASIER 

What does that mean? 

ROZ 

Kenny's also organised a photo shoot during the morning. 

FRASIER 

Perfect. Today could not get any worse. 

SUDDENLY EDDIE STARTS COUGHING BEFORE BARKING AND SQUEAKING AT THE SAME TIME AFTER HAVING EATEN THE TOY 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

I was wrong. 

AS FRASIER POURS HIMSELF A LARGE SHERRY WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

TITLE CARD: "CATS MEOW AND FOREVER" 

FADE IN: 

INT. NILES' BEDROOM — NIGHT — DAY/1   
(Niles, Daphne, Man) 

NILES AND DAPHNE LIE ASLEEP IN BED 

SFX: THE SOUND OF CATS MEOWING

AS THE SOUND OF THE CATS STARTS TO GET LOUDER AND LOUDER NILES SUDDENLY WAKES WITH A START AND SITS UPRIGHT 

NILES 

(HALF ASLEEP) I don't want to ride the pony... (AWAKE) Oh my God. 

NILES COLLAPSES BACK DOWN INTO BED. DAPHNE SPEAKS BUT DOESN'T MOVE 

DAPHNE 

What's the matter? 

NILES GETS UP AND PUTS HIS DRESSING GOWN ON 

NILES 

Can't you hear that? 

DAPHNE 

Yes but I'm choosing to ignore it. 

NILES 

How can you ignore it? There's a cat orgy going on outside the window. (SHOUTS) Shut up! What are they doing down there? 

NILES LOOKS OUTSIDE THE WINDOW 

DAPHNE 

Do you really need to be sat down and given the discussion on the birds and the bees? Or in this case the very randy cats? 

NILES PULLS A DISGUSTED FACE AND POINTS OUT THE WINDOW 

NILES 

I'm sure that's illegal in forty-eight states. 

DAPHNE 

I don't think it states which species and even if it does I think they're referring to humans. 

NILES 

Look at them, they're drinking cocktails and smoking drugs. There are no red light bulbs! Be gone cat prostitutes! Please let me get some sleep. 

DAPHNE 

Leave them alone, they have every right to be there. 

NILES 

But I was here first. Wait I have an idea. 

NILES EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM 

DAPHNE 

Like going to sleep? What are you doing now? 

SFX: RUNNING WATER FROM THE BATHROOM

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

It's a bit of an ungodly hour for a shower isn't it? 

NILES ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM CARRYING A VASE FULL OF WATER 

NILES 

Not for the cats. Here you go have a cold shower on me. 

NILES OPENS THE WINDOW AND THROWS THE WATER OUT 

MAN 

(OFF STAGE) Hey, watch it you jerk. 

NILES 

I'm so sorry Miss. 

MAN 

(OFF STAGE) What do you mean Miss? 

NILES 

I mean I'm sorry Mister. I was trying to get the cats to be quiet. 

MAN 

(OFF STAGE) You've soaked me you jackass. 

NILES 

Please accept my humble apologies. 

MAN 

(OFF STAGE) Stay right there I'm coming up. 

NILES 

You'll have to find my apartment number first. I did lock the front door before I came to bed right? 

NILES CLOSES THE WINDOW AND SITS ON THE END OF THE BED AS DAPHNE SITS UP 

DAPHNE 

Yes, why? 

NILES 

Just a small dispute with the cat pimp. 

DAPHNE 

Just an average night then. 

NILES 

There must be some way to get them to shut up. 

DAPHNE 

There is catch them all in a large net and pay to have them all neutered. You might get a volume discount. 

NILES 

That's a fantastic idea. 

DAPHNE 

I wasn't serious. 

NILES 

No I'll call the pound. 

NILES PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS 

NILES (CONT'D) 

(ON THE PHONE) The number for the city pound please. Can you connect me? Thank you. Yes hello, I have a large group of cats conjugating outside of my bedroom window. What do I want you to do? Remove them. I see. Then what do you suggest I do? Scare them. Thank you very much. 

NILES HANGS UP THE PHONE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

I have to scare them. 

DAPHNE 

Discuss global warming with them then. 

NILES 

Look at the rash the noise is brining me out in. How much sex can one cat want in a night. 

DAPHNE 

Well we could make this more interesting. 

NILES 

I'm not watching them. 

DAPHNE 

I meant compete. Come on we can take them. 

NILES 

I should hope so. I'll never live it down if we can't. 

AS DAPHNE LEANS OVER AND KISSES HIM WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

FADE IN: 

INT. DEPARTMENT STORE — MORNING — DAY/2   
(Roz, Frasier, Server) 

ROZ STARTS TO LOOK AROUND THE RACKS AT VARIOUS DRESSES ALONG WITH SEVERAL OTHER WOMEN. FRASIER HOVERS AROUND BY THE ENTRANCE NOT WANTING TO GO IN 

ROZ 

Frasier to purchase an outfit you actually have to come into the store. You can't try things on in the parking lot. No matter how pretty your dress is going to be. 

FRASIER 

Do you have any idea how ridiculous I'm going to look? 

ROZ 

Look at it this way, you'll get more phone numbers dressed like this. 

FRASIER 

Yes but for therapists. 

ROZ 

And electrolysis's. Are you shaving or waxing your legs? 

FRASIER 

Neither. 

ROZ HOLDS UP A VERY LARGE FLORAL DRESS 

ROZ 

Oh come on Frasier it's for charity. 

FRASIER 

Yes and in that I'll look a certain charity case. Nothing with pleats I don't want to give off too much of a conservative vibe. 

ROZ 

Sure because that's the vibe people will pick up first. We have to find you something, we want you to look like a pretty girl after all now don't we? How's this look? 

ROZ HOLDS UP A BLACK DRESS 

FRASIER 

Fine now just pay for it and let's get out of here. 

ROZ 

You have to try it on, what if it doesn't fit. I don't want to see you bursting out of it on the other side of the glass. Especially as you're refusing to wear underwear. 

FRASIER 

It's bad enough I have to wear a dress, I am not squeezing into and falling out of a bra and a pair of panties as well. I don't think any of these are going to fit me. 

ROZ 

Sure they will. Eastern European shot putters have to buy their clothes somewhere. And that's exactly what you'll look like if you don't shave. And if we don't find you anything, there's a camping store next door, we'll just buy you a tent, a box of sequins and a tube of glue. 

FRASIER HOLDS UP A RED DRESS 

FRASIER 

This is nice. 

ROZ 

But that slits a little too high. I know you're revealing your feminine side but you don't want to reveal too much. We don't want little Frasier to make an appearance in front of the cameras. Let's get some help, they'll be able to point us to the larger sizes. 

FRASIER 

We most certainly will not, I have a reputation to protect, what will tell them? 

ROZ 

The truth. That you're going through a midlife crisis and you want to experiment a little. And it's either this or a leopard skin thong and some hiking boots. 

A SERVER WALKS PAST 

FRASIER 

Roz, don't you dare. 

FRASIER HIDES BEHIND A MANIKIN 

ROZ 

Hi, I'm trying to find an everyday housedress but I can't find any to fit on the racks. 

SERVER 

I don't see why ma'am, we should have plenty... 

ROZ 

It's not for me, it's for that large man hiding behind the manikin and sweating a lot. Frasier get out here. 

THE SERVER LOOKS FRASIER UP AND DOWN 

FRASIER 

This is not what you think. 

SERVER 

Of course not Sir, now is this your first dress? Or do you have a history of wearing women's garments? 

FRASIER 

Yes it is my first dress. 

SERVER 

Then you'll want something stylish but also comfortable. Maybe we should also look towards finding you something that will enhance your bust but reduce your posterior. I think I've got just the thing. 

ROZ 

Frasier I'm going to look for some blush and lip-gloss for you. 

ROZ GOES TO LEAVE 

FRASIER 

Don't you dare leave me alone! 

ROZ 

But we have a lot to do. We have to get you a wig as well. 

FRASIER 

Oh and that will be the crowning touch. Come back here. 

ROZ 

Can you sort him out with some stockings and shoes as well please? Preferably some three-inch spikes. 

AS ROZ EXITS, THE SERVER TAKES FRASIER BY THE HAND AND LEADS HIM TOWARDS THE CHANGING ROOMS AND WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. NILES' BEDROOM — NIGHT — DAY/2   
(Niles, Daphne) 

SFX: SOUND OF CATS MEOWING 

NILES AND DAPHNE ONCE AGAIN BOTH LIE ASLEEP IN BED. NILES' EYES SUDDENLY OPEN AND A SMILE CREEPS ACROSS HIS FACE. HE THEN STROKES DAPHNE ON THE SIDE OF THE HEAD 

NILES 

I thought you were asleep. 

DAPHNE 

I was so stop stroking me in the head. 

NILES 

I love it when you do that to my feet. Wait a second are you wearing socks in bed? 

DAPHNE 

What are you talking about? I'm not doing anything. You're hallucinating again go to sleep you silly sod. 

NILES EYES SUDDENLY BECOME WIDE 

NILES 

Daphne don't move, there's something in the bed. It's rubbing itself up my legs. (THEN) Stop joking around it is you isn't it? 

DAPHNE 

Honestly it's not, look. 

DAPHNE GETS OUT OF BED 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

I don't have two sets of feet. And I definitely don't keep a feather duster at the end of the bed. Well not anymore anyway. 

NILES SUDDENLY LEAPS OUT OF BED 

NILES 

Oh my God. What is it? It's a burglar. 

DAPHNE 

A small fury burglar has broken into your apartment, but before he could steal anything got distracted by the sight of you looking all adorable asleep and felt compelled to climb into bed and rub himself up your feet? 

NILES 

Yes, why is that so hard to believe? 

DAPHNE GOES TO REMOVE THE COVERS TO SEE WHAT IT IS 

DAPHNE 

Let me move this... 

NILES STOPS HER BEFORE SHE GETS NEAR IT 

NILES 

Daphne don't, let me do it. Get behind me. 

DAPHNE SIGHS BEFORE STANDING BEHIND NILES. HE THEN SWALLOWS, PLUCKS UP THE COURAGE AND EDGES CLOSER TO THE BED. IN ONE FAST MOVEMENT HE PULLS THE COVERS OFF THE BED TO REVEAL A CAT CURLED UP AT THE BOTTOM 

DAPHNE 

You've been molested by a cat, there's a story we can tell the Grandchildren. 

NILES 

Haven't you cats caused me enough trouble? Get out! That's the last time I leave the window open. 

NILES PICKS THE CAT UP AND PUTS IT OUT OF THE WINDOW ONTO THE FIRE ESCAPE AND CLOSES THE WINDOW 

DAPHNE 

What is going on down there? 

NILES AND DAPHNE BOTH LEAN UP THE WINDOW 

NILES 

They're all fighting. So either the cat Police were called in or they're re-enacting A West Side Story. I don't think I can take this noise any longer. 

DAPHNE GETS BACK INTO BED 

DAPHNE 

Put your earplugs in. Glue them in if you have to. 

NILES 

I have them in. 

DAPHNE 

Just ignore them. 

NILES 

I can't. Just please stop having sex, is that too much to ask? 

THE NOISE OF THE CATS SUDDENLY BECOMES LOUDER 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Apparently it is. How can you sleep through this? 

DAPHNE 

It's quite simple I just get into bed and close my eyes. Can I suggest that you do the same before I smother you? 

NILES 

You must have some secret. 

DAPHNE 

I'm just not a light sleeper. A nuclear bomb could go off outside the window and I probably wouldn't wake up. 

NILES 

That's because you'd be instantly killed in the explosion. 

DAPHNE 

Come on back to bed. 

NILES 

I can't not while they're all pleasuring each other. 

DAPHNE 

Let's just move to another room. Better still let's just go to your brothers. 

NILES 

I will not be driven from my home by a group of cats. 

DAPHNE 

Good for you. I'm going to sleep across the hall. 

DAPHNE PICKS UP A PILLOW, KISSES NILES BEFORE EXITING. NILES THEN MOVES TO THE WINDOW 

NILES 

Do you see what you've done now? Your sex life is ruining mine. 

AS NILES COLLAPSES ON THE BED AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

TITLE CARD: 'SOME LIKE IT NOT' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/3   
(Martin, Daphne, Niles, Roz, Frasier, Eddie) 

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WITH EDDIE ON HIS LAP AS DAPHNE POLISHES THE TABLE AND NILES POURS HIMSELF A CUP OF COFFEE 

MARTIN 

The vet said he'll just pass it out in a couple of days. 

DAPHNE 

Are they sure? 

NILES 

Either that or it'll kill him. 

MARTIN AND DAPHNE BOTH GLARE AT NILES 

NILES (CONT'D) 

I'm hoping for the former. 

MARTIN 

How's your cat problem? 

NILES 

Even worse, it now seems I have every cat from the state out there. It's turning into a full-blown cat key party. But instead of keys it's pieces of kitty Kibble. I feel like I live next door to a cat brothel. 

EDDIE JUMPS OFF MARTIN'S LAP AND SITS NEXT TO NILES AS HE SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Oh Eddie get away. I've had enough of your fury kind. (THINKS) Hey Dad, has Eddie ever been on a sleep over? I have some friends I'd like to introduce him too. 

SFX: DOORBELL

DAPHNE CROSSES AND OPENS THE DOOR. ROZ ENTERS DRESSED IN A EXPENSIVE LOOKING MEN'S SUIT AND A WIG THAT LOOKS LIKE FRASIER'S HAIR 

DAPHNE 

Well good morning Dr. Crane. 

ROZ 

Morning Daphne, I'm glad that you're awake, you can polish my candlesnuffer it's a little dusty. 

DAPHNE 

I'm not really sure that's in my job description. 

MARTIN 

You look great. 

NILES 

You've even got the receding hairline. 

ROZ 

I know I already feel the need to become celibate. 

NILES 

My God it's a miracle. 

ROZ SLAPS NILES ACROSS THE ARM 

ROZ 

Is the wonderfully, talented Roz Doyle ready yet? 

DAPHNE 

No not yet. The last time I went to check on him all I could hear was screaming coming from the bathroom. 

NILES 

Screaming? 

DAPHNE 

Yeah he's either waxing his legs or slaughtering a pig in there. Either way I'm not looking forward to cleaning up the mess. 

ROZ GOES TO EXIT TOWARDS FRASIER'S ROOM 

ROZ 

I'd better go and see if he wants any help with his make-up. Hey Frasier... 

FRASIER 

(OFF STAGE) Stay away from me Roz. 

NILES 

(TO ROZ) Frasier can I get you a sherry? 

ROZ 

Oh yes please and while we drink let me harp on about my pathetic love life. 

FRASIER 

(OFF STAGE) I heard that. 

MARTIN 

So are you going to come in or what? 

FRASIER 

(OFF STAGE) I'm thinking about it. 

NILES 

Well don't think, just do it. 

FRASIER 

(OFF STAGE) But you'll laugh at me. 

ROZ 

We won't we promise, I look just as silly as you will. 

MARTIN 

I wouldn't put money on it. 

DAPHNE 

Oh come on Dr. Crane if my Uncle Jackie can stand up in front of his congregation in a floral dress and a pair of flip-flops you can certainly come in here. 

FRASIER 

(OFF STAGE) Do you promise you won't laugh? 

MARTIN 

Frasier just get out here. 

FRASIER ENTERS WEARING AN AWFUL FLORAL DRESS, A PAIR OF STOCKING, HIGH HEELS AND A WIG THAT IS TIED IN BUNCHES. EVERYONE TAKES ONE LOOK AT HIM AND STARTS TO ROLL AROUND LAUGHING 

FRASIER 

Thank you all so much. 

MARTIN 

Who the hell did your make-up, Picasso? 

FRASIER 

Well you try putting eyeliner on without poking yourself in the eye, it's not easy. 

NILES 

Which is surprising because it makes you look extremely easy. 

DAPHNE 

What happened to your pantyhose? 

FRASIER 

I put my thumb through them, because I can't get the damn things stay up. My crotch keeps falling past my kneecaps. 

FRASIER GRABS HOLD OF HIS PANTYHOSE AND BATTLES IN VAIN TO PULL THEM UP 

NILES 

Would you like to borrow my suspenders? 

FRASIER 

I'm so glad you all find my humiliation so humorous. 

ROZ 

(AMAZED) Have you stuffed your bra? 

FRASIER 

I had to, it looked too loose, I didn't want to look stupid. 

MARTIN 

Yeah because that would have done it. 

DAPHNE 

They don't look very even. 

FRASIER 

What does that mean? 

DAPHNE 

Your right boob is significantly larger then your left. 

ROZ 

Let's have a look. I know why don't we just push them together and make one good one? 

ROZ PUTS HER HAND DOWN FRASIER'S DRESS 

FRASIER 

Roz, this is hard enough as it is without being made fun of. 

ROZ 

There you go. Is there no end to my talents, a psychiatrist and I can give a good boob job as well. 

MARTIN GETS A HAND FULL OF LETTERS OFF THE ISLAND 

MARTIN 

Oh Frasier I nearly forgot, your mail. 

NILES 

Well that's certainly open to debate. 

FRASIER TAKES THE LETTERS AND SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH RUBBING HIS FEET 

FRASIER 

Thank you Dad. I'll tell you one thing, I bet the person who invented high-heeled shoes wasn't a woman. They are the most uncomfortable things I have ever had on in my life. 

ROZ 

Look at that, you're having mood swings already. Oh stop pulling a face. This isn't exactly very flattering to me, that's who you're supposed to look like after all. 

MARTIN 

Where did you get that wig? Did you pull it out of a swimming pool drain? 

FRASIER 

Actually I thought the pigtails suited me. 

ROZ 

But it makes you look like that girl off Gilligan's Island. 

NILES 

Of course that's it. You look like Mary-Anne on crack. And I mean that in the nicest possible way. 

FRASIER 

That's it, I'm not taking any more of this abuse. 

FRASIER GETS UP AND GOES TO LEAVE 

DAPHNE 

And you think you'll get less from strangers? 

MARTIN 

Oh come on Fras, we're only joking. You look great and remember this is for a very worthy cause. 

FRASIER 

You're right. So do I really look OK? 

ROZ 

You look fine, quite an attractive women. 

FRASIER 

Really? 

NILES GETS UP AND TRIES TO HUG FRASIER 

NILES 

Of course, I suddenly have the need to stroke your thigh and nibble your ear. Would you join me for dinner sometime? 

FRASIER 

Get away from me. 

FRASIER AND ROZ EXIT OUT THE FRONT DOOR WITH FRASIER SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. 

A BEAT 

FRASIER RE-ENTERS AND PICKS UP A PINK PURSE FROM OFF THE CONSOLE BEFORE EXITING AGAIN AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(G) 

FADE IN: 

INT. RADIO STUDIO HALLWAY — AFTERNOON — DAY/3   
(Frasier, Roz, Kenny, Gil) 

FRASIER, STILL DRESSED AS ROZ, AND ROZ, STILL DRESSED AS FRASIER, STAND OUTSIDE THE STUDIO HALLWAY DOOR. FRASIER KEEPS PEERING INSIDE THE HALLWAY 

FRASIER 

I'm not going in there. 

ROZ 

Yes you are. 

ROZ WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR AND HOLDS IT OPEN FOR FRASIER WHO CONTINUES TO HIDE 

FRASIER 

I am not and you can't make me. 

ROZ 

I look ridiculous as well. 

FRASIER 

But at least you're wearing pants. 

ROZ 

Oh my God, please tell me you're wearing underpants under that dress. 

FRASIER 

Of course I am. Could you imagine what a strong gust of wind would do to my reputation? 

ROZ 

Extend it probably. 

ROZ SLOWLY GUIDES FRASIER INTO THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE STUDIO 

FRASIER 

Do you always have to talk about sex? 

ROZ 

And a psychiatrist is asking me this. Everything you say to your caller's starts in the crotch. 

KENNY ENTERS FROM AROUND THE CORNER DRESSED IN THE CHICKEN COSTUME 

KENNY 

Hi Roz, you look great. Wow. (JOKING) Who's your friend? 

FRASIER 

Who do you think it is? 

KENNY 

Doc, you make one ugly women. 

FRASIER 

That's a real boost to my confidence thanks Kenny. 

GIL ENTERS FROM THE BOOTH DRESSED AS NOEL AND IS IMMEDIATELY DRAWN TO FRASIER LIKE A MOTH TO A FLAME 

GIL 

Oh my God Frasier! 

FRASIER 

Hello Gil. 

GIL 

Why you look fabulous. 

FRASIER 

I appreciate your kindness but I know I'm hardly the prettiest girl in the playground. 

GIL 

With that wig and in a darken light, you share an uncanny resemblance to Deb. 

ROZ 

Deb? 

GIL 

My wife. I've often noted you have a similar build. What a lovely wig. Long hair really suits you, have you ever considered growing your own? 

FRASIER 

No I can't say I have. 

GIL 

And the way you fill out that dress, oh my! 

FRASIER 

Its just tissue paper. 

GIL 

Well I should be running along. I'll see you later Frasier. 

GIL EXITS AROUND THE CORNER CHECKING OUT FRASIER'S BEHIND AS HE GO 

FRASIER 

Was it just me or was Gil hitting on me. 

ROZ 

Oh come on, he's probably left to smoke a cigarette and find a priest to confess to. 

KENNY 

Well you can no longer doubt your sexual appeal as a woman. 

FRASIER AND ROZ EXIT INTO THE BOOTH 

RESET TO: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER SITS DOWN IN HIS CHAIR AS ROZ GOES INTO HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH 

FRASIER 

I am not wearing this any longer. Those photographers nearly pulled a hernia laughing at me. I will not be subjected to this humiliation a moment longer. 

ROZ 

But think of all those poor puppies you're doing this for. 

FRASIER 

What puppies?! You told me it was for orphans. 

ROZ 

It is. Orphaned dogs. Those poor puppies have no parents, because of you they stand a chance of having a normal life. Abandoned puppies hardly ever chase their tails or fetch sticks but they will now. 

FRASIER 

Well then I can barely contain myself. 

ROZ 

I know that dress is way too small. Oh come on you big baby. You only have to sit through your show. 

FRASIER STANDS TO CLOSE THE BOOTH DOOR 

FRASIER 

I guess you're right. What could possibly happen to me? 

KENNY AND GIL WALK PAST THE DOOR 

KENNY 

You've got another run in your pantyhose. 

GIL 

Oh so you have. I have a needle and thread in the car maybe I could... 

GIL BENDS DOWN AND TRIES TO CLOSE THE RIP IN HIS PANTYHOSE 

FRASIER 

Unless the end of that sentence was sow me a pair of pants and a shirt, you can get the hell away from me. 

FRASIER SHUTS THE DOOR AND SITS BACK DOWN 

ROZ 

Just relax. 

FRASIER 

I will do as soon as I get these shoes off. (THEN) Oh fantastic. 

FRASIER TRIES TO TAKE HIS SHOES OFF BUT SUDDENLY BOLTS UPRIGHT 

ROZ 

What's the matter now? 

FRASIER 

My bra's popped undone and now my breasts are roaming free. 

ROZ ENTERS INTO FRASIER'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH 

ROZ 

Well that's what happens when a women reaches your age. By your next birthday they'll be down by your ankles like your pantyhose. You should have brought a leash. 

FRASIER 

Can I have a little less of the mocking and a little more help please? 

ROZ 

Oh fine, what do you want me to do? 

FRASIER STANDS UP AS THE ON AIR LIGHT COMES ON IN THE BOOTH 

FRASIER 

I'll hold them in place you hook my bra together. 

FRASIER HOLDS HIS TISSUES IN PLACE AS ROZ TRIES TO DO UP HIS BRA 

ROZ 

Oh fine but I'm sure this isn't in my job description. Frasier is this is going to work you've got to push them closer together. 

FRASIER 

I thought the whole idea was lift and separate, not push them together. 

ROZ 

But you're a man wearing a bra and a dress, I don't think there are any rules here. 

KENNY ENTERS

KENNY 

Erm...guys. 

FRASIER 

Not now Kenny. 

ROZ 

If you really want to help, pull his pantyhose up. His crotch is down by his ankles again. 

KENNY 

Dr. Crane we're on the air. 

FRASIER 

Thank you Kenny. 

KENNY 

Do you still want help with your pantyhose? 

FRASIER 

No, thank you Kenny. 

AS KENNY EXITS AND FRASIER SLUMPS DOWN IN HIS CHAIR AND PUTS HIS HEADPHONES ON, WE: 

FADE OUT 

(H) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S BEAMER — AFTERNOON — DAY/3   
(Frasier, Jerry, Sandy, Policeman, Robin) 

FRASIER DRIVES HIS CAR, STILL IN HIS DRESS BUT WITHOUT HIS WIG 

FRASIER 

(SHOUTING OUT THE WINDOW) What are you doing? It was a pigeon. There are more flowers on the side of the road for a dead bird then when JFK was assassinated. What is wrong with the world? Maybe I could answer that better when I'm not dressed as a woman. 

FRASIER'S CAR SUDDENLY COMES TO A GRINDING HALT 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Oh great. Perfect. 

FRASIER GETS OUT OF HIS CAR 

RESET TO: 

EXT. STREET — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER GETS OUT OF HIS CAR 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Why don't you just cut out the middleman and just hit me with lightening right here and now, please put me out of my misery. 

A CAR DRIVES PAST AND SPLASHES A PUDDLE ALL OVER FRASIER 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Or alternatively get passing cars to drown me. 

SANDY COMES RUNNING OUT OF THE NEXT BUILDING WITH JERRY FOLLOWING 

JERRY 

Oh come on Sandy, I didn't mean it. 

SANDY 

I don't care, stay away from me. 

SANDY EXITS AROUND THE CORNER 

JERRY 

It's just your hormones talking. Ooh probably shouldn't have said that. (TO HIMSELF) What is wrong with women at the moment? 

FRASIER 

It beats the hell out of me. Oh what's the problem? 

JERRY GIVES FRASIER A FRIGHTENED LOOK AND EXITS BACK INTO THE BUILDING 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

You've never seen a man in a dress before? 

FRASIER POPS OPEN THE HOOD AND STARES INTO IT AS A POLICEMAN ENTERS FROM ACROSS THE STREET 

POLICEMAN 

Do you need any help there ma'am? 

FRASIER 

Yes thank you. 

POLICEMAN 

I thought you did. 

FRASIER 

Thank you so much. 

POLICEMAN 

My wife is a plastic surgeon here's her number. 

THE POLICEMAN GIVE FRASIER A CARD AND EXITS BACK ACROSS THE STREET. FRASIER THEN TURNS HIS ATTENTION BACK TO HIS CAR AS ROBIN ENTERS FROM THE ADJACENT BUILDING 

FRASIER 

Oh Robin, hi. 

ROBIN 

(SHOCKED) Frasier? 

FRASIER 

It's so nice to see you. Are we still on for Friday night? 

ROBIN 

Frasier you're wearing a dress. 

FRASIER 

Not to mention high heels and a wig. 

A BEAT 

ROBIN 

I have to go now. 

ROBIN TURNS AND RUNS DOWN THE STREET 

FRASIER 

No, Robin I can explain this. 

AS FRASIER SIGHS AND GETS HIS PHONE OUT OF HIS CAR WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: NILES ENTERS INTO HIS BEDROOM CARRYING EDDIE UNDER HIS ARM. HE THEN OPENS THE WINDOW AND HOLDS EDDIE ON THE LEDGE. EDDIE THEN BEGINS TO BARK AND AFTER A MOMENT NILES SMILES AND STROKES EDDIE'S HEAD. REALISING THAT HE'S BEEN TOUCHING EDDIE WITH HIS BARE HANDS NILES LETS GO OF EDDIE LEAVING HIM ON THE WINDOW SILL AND WIPES HIS HANDS WITH HIS HANDKERCHIEF. SUDDENLY EDDIE JUMPS OFF THE SILL AND OUT OF THE WINDOW. SEEING THAT EDDIE HAS GONE NILES LEANS OUT THE WINDOW. DAPHNE ENTERS AS NILES SPINS AROUND AND PRETENDS NOTHING HAS HAPPENED 


	5. Episode Five

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_Marissa, even though you're evil and my budgie is on his way to get you, I've included a treat for you in this one. _

_To stand a chance of winning a bag of badger's noses send feedback to Kelly_simba@hotmail.com _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Nine Episode Five   
The Seven Hour Itch 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: 'ONCE BITTEN, TWICE SHY' 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Eddie) 

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WITH EDDIE ON HIS LAP. HE INSPECTS EDDIE VERY CLOSELY, PUSHING HIS FUR IN ALL DIRECTIONS. HE THEN PUTS HIS GLASSES ON AND HAS AN EVEN CLOSER LOOK. FRASIER AND NILES ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN. THE MOMENT THEY SEE MARTIN THEY STOP AND STARE 

FRASIER 

Dad what are you doing? You're acting strangely even for you. 

NILES 

You know that's not how you appraise a dog don't you? In fact I don't even think it's possible to appraise a dog. 

MARTIN 

I'm just looking at Eddie. 

FRASIER 

For any particular reason? Other then you need a hobby fast before you start running around the park in your underwear, biting the heads off pigeons and meowing at old ladies. Or even worse taking Eddie's temperature with your finger and counting his teeth with your tongue. 

FRASIER HANDS NILES A CUP OF COFFEE OFF THE TABLE AND THEY BOTH SIT ON THE COUCH 

NILES 

How do you know grooming your dog like a spider monkey isn't a hobby? You're not as in touch with the common man as you think you are Frasier. You thought those squggey guys on the street were doing community service. 

FRASIER 

Well to be fair two of them are after I refused to give them any money and they smashed my windshield with their foreheads. And you're hardly the friend to the common man you couldn't be anymore elitist. 

NILES 

People get all sorts of strange notions about me just because I have a personal shopper and had an electric fence, mansion, gardener, maid, cook and several other servants at my beck and call twenty-four hours a day. 

MARTIN 

I just want to get to know him a little better. There's a whole side of Eddie I don't know. Hey did you know that his skin is pink under all this fur? 

FRASIER 

Really? I'd have thought it would have been green or possibly a shade of light mauve. Maybe even sky blue pink with a rhubarb spot. 

MARTIN GLARES AT FRASIER 

NILES 

Or possibly that bright red colour you're turning now. If you don't breathe soon all your blood vessels will burst in your face Dad. 

FRASIER 

So Niles how goes the... 

MARTIN SUDDENLY SLAPS HIS CHEEK 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

(ALARMED) Dad what are you doing? 

MARTIN 

Just slapping my cheek. 

FRASIER 

Why? 

MARTIN 

I wanted to play a tune. I wonder if I can play The Star Spangled Banner this way. I know I can play the theme to Bonanza, I practice doing that while sitting in the bath when Eddie gets out and dries off on your bed. 

FRASIER 

What?! 

NILES 

(SOTTO TO FRASIER) For Freddie's and any other future child's sake let's hope that those genes died with Dad and they haven't simply skipped a generation. 

FRASIER 

Anyway how are the wedding plans coming along? 

NILES 

Everything is still in its early stages right now. I must admit I had no idea there was so much to do. Like getting rabbis certificates and electronic pet passports inserted in the necks of all of Daphne's brothers. 

MARTIN 

How is that possible? You've been married twice. 

NILES 

When I got married to Mel all I had to do was show up, get her a Prozac, and change my jacket, change my pants, change my tie, change my shirt and my shoes and socks... 

FRASIER 

It's just a pity you didn't change your bride. 

NILES 

I did. 

FRASIER 

It would have been more ideal if you had done it before the actual wedding ceremony not after. It would have saved several months of torment and several minor stokes. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM AND SITS NEXT TO NILES ON THE COUCH 

NILES 

Nothing I ever do is good enough for you is it? 

MARTIN 

When you married Maris you had a proper wedding. 

NILES 

But once again all I had to do was show up, I had no choices about anything. 

FRASIER 

That's not strictly true, you had the choice about saying 'I do.' You just made the wrong choice and took a wrong turn in a really bad neighbourhood. 

NILES 

Hardly. Her father was standing in the corner with a shotgun. I didn't know if he'd shoot me if I said yes, or shoot me if I said no. In the end I just mumbled something completely incoherent and let the reverend decide, and cringed as I waited for a bullet shaped hole to appear in the back of my head. 

DAPHNE 

Well my mother still hasn't forgiven or believed you yet so there's every chance you'll be thinking the same thing this time. Only she'll have a stun gun, a bucket of glue soaked bird feed and a group of extremely violent pigeons. Which reminds me I really should write to my old boyfriend John and see if he's been able to afford that new glass eye yet. I still feel guilty. 

MARTIN SUDDENLY SLAPS HIS ARM 

FRASIER 

Dad what is wrong with you? 

MARTIN 

Haven't you ever wanted to slap yourself? 

FRASIER 

I can't say I've ever been compelled to do that. 

MARTIN 

Well then you're the only person who doesn't want to slap you. You know what I think I'm going to give Eddie another bath. 

MARTIN PUTS EDDIE ON THE FLOOR AND STANDS UP 

DAPHNE 

Another one? He's had more baths then I've had hot dinners recently. There's enough dog hair down that plughole to knit yourself a sweater or at the very least a tiny motorised dog. 

FRASIER 

One dog is more then enough thank you 

MARTIN 

But he likes it. 

EDDIE THEN RUNS ACROSS TO THE CHAIR BY THE CREDENZA AND HIDES HIS FACE 

NILES 

Of course he does. That high-pitched squeal gives it away every time. 

FRASIER 

He loves it so much he's willing to throw himself over the balcony. I felt the same way about Lilith. 

MARTIN 

Trust me, we all did. 

MARTIN EXITS TOWARDS HIS ROOM 

DAPHNE 

Which by the way, will Lilith be expecting to come to the wedding? I need to know if I'll be having one of me psychic headaches and be unconscious or not when I walk up the isle. I want to know beforehand if I'm going to have to have my photo's touched up, so that I'm not lopsided and drooling. I'm already going to have to do it so me mother isn't scowling and me brothers aren't drunk and glassy eyed with vomit down their shirts. 

FRASIER 

She did mention travelling over with Freddie, yes. 

MARTIN ENTERS AND PICKS UP EDDIE OFF THE CHAIR 

NILES 

Then they'll be no need to order any ice sculptures. 

MARTIN 

Oh Lilith's going to the wedding? 

MARTIN EXITS WITH EDDIE TOWARDS HIS ROOM 

NILES 

Right well I have a patient, so I'll see you later. Bye. 

DAPHNE WALKS NILES TO THE DOOR, THEY AD-LIB GOODBYES BEFORE THEY KISS AND NILES EXITS. DAPHNE THEN WALKS TOWARDS FRASIER 

DAPHNE 

Dr. Crane has something bitten you? 

FRASIER THEN EXAMINES HIS ARM 

FRASIER 

It looks like it. I have been itching a lot recently. I wonder what's done it. 

DAPHNE 

One thing for certain, we know it's not a woman. 

AS DAPHNE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN AND FRASIER GLARES AFTER HER, WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

TITLE CARD: 'THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST NEVER HAD THIS PROBLEM' 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/2   
(Roz, Frasier, Niles) 

FRASIER AND NILES SIT IN NERVOSA DRINKING THEIR COFFEE AS ROZ ENTERS AND IMMEDIATELY SITS DOWN WITH THEM. FRASIER HAS QUITE A FEW TINY BITE MARKS ON HIS FACE AND ARMS 

ROZ 

Can I borrow your broom? 

FRASIER 

My broom? 

ROZ 

Yeah, you know that wooden thing you pay Daphne to sweep the floor with because it's beneath you. 

NILES 

Planning on taking a vacation? Be careful you don't fall off. 

ROZ 

No, smart man. I have new neighbours living above me. 

FRASIER 

And you want to sweep their house for them? A basket of fruit and a nice smile would be sufficient Roz. Not even Martha Stewart would sweep their apartment. 

NILES 

Or alternatively you could do what you always do and just sleep with them. Just so they don't feel left out. 

FRASIER 

I don't think Martha Stewart would do that either. 

ROZ 

All I want is for them to stop having sex so loudly at all hours of the day and night. It's like I'm trapped in some very poor repetitive porn film. 

NILES 

And a broom will help your problem. 

ROZ 

I'm hoping so yes. I can't cope with hearing the adventures of Hairy Bear and Kitty-kins anymore. 

NILES 

So you're thinking what? The joy and experience of being able to sweep their own apartment will mean they'll leave each other alone? 

FRASIER 

I salute your optimism. 

ROZ 

I'm going to bang the ceiling with it. 

FRASIER 

I see you still can't get a date? Well if you can't have a man a broom will at least be something. Just be careful of splinters. 

ROZ 

You're just jealous, I've dated more people then you. 

NILES 

Who hasn't? You've probably dated more people then the entire population of this coffee house has combined. 

ROZ 

I have to do something fast, Alice is beginning to ask too many questions and her toy rabbit seems to be taking the brunt of it. And even though she's only three I know she's not buying that they're having trampoline competitions. 

FRASIER 

Maybe this loud amorous behaviour is a kind of revenge. 

ROZ 

Why because of all the screaming? 

NILES 

If it's all the same to you I don't want to know all the gory details of your sex life. 

ROZ 

I was referring to Alice crying. My God you finally get a sex life and that's all you talk about. I on the other hand think that sex is a lot like oxygen, you don't need it until you're not getting any. 

FRASIER 

I'd noticed you'd been turning blue recently. 

ROZ 

And it explains why you pass out so often. So can I borrow your broom or not? 

NILES 

You don't have one of your own? 

ROZ 

When the decision came about whether to buy a new broom or food so that my child and I could eat, I chose the food. Just call me crazy. 

FRASIER 

Of course you can Roz but I don't have it with me. 

ROZ 

So you do remove it from your backside before you go out. 

FRASIER 

Just for that, you can't borrow it. 

ROZ 

Could you be a bigger baby? 

FRASIER 

I'm not the baby, you are. 

ROZ 

Am not. 

FRASIER 

Are so. 

ROZ 

What is wrong with your face? You look as if you've been bitten. 

NILES 

She's right. You know I've noticed something similar all over Daphne recently. 

NILES SUDDENLY PUTS TWO AND TWO TOGETHER AND GETS FIVE WHICH MAKES HIS MOUTH DROP OPEN AND HE STARES AT FRASIER 

FRASIER 

Oh Niles close your mouth. Daphne and I have not been biting each other. I think it must be mosquitos. 

ROZ 

In October? 

FRASIER 

Cold weather, wind and rain mosquitos. Have you never heard of them? 

NILES 

Has anyone? 

AS THEY CONTINUE TO CHATTER WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/2   
(Martin, Daphne, Frasier) 

DAPHNE STANDS BY THE COUCH, COMPLETELY STILL, HOLDING A ROLLED UP NEWSPAPER ABOVE HER HEAD, STARING INTENSELY AT A COUCH CUSHION AS MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM 

MARTIN 

What are you doing? You look as if you've taken up some epileptic form of karate. 

DAPHNE 

Something keeps biting me. 

MARTIN 

Oh I see and you think if you learn karate, Niles will be too scared and stop it? 

DAPHNE 

It's not Niles it's some sort of bug. You can't tell me you haven't noticed. They were hoping all around the breakfast table this morning. Half a dozen of them drowned in the milk in your cereal. You've got bites all up your arms and Dr. Crane is covered in them. If you concentrate really hard you can see them bounce around the furniture. 

MARTIN 

Oh all right, but you have to swear not to tell Frasier. 

DAPHNE 

What is it? 

MARTIN 

Eddie has fleas. 

DAPHNE 

(SHOUTS) Fleas? 

MARTIN 

Keep your voice down. 

DAPHNE 

He's at the station, I know he's a nosy washerwoman but I don't think even his hearing is that good. Well how's he caught fleas? 

MARTIN 

From another dog at the park I guess. He didn't spend all his allowance buying them at the pet store you know. 

DAPHNE 

Well what are you going to do about it? 

MARTIN 

I bought you this. 

MARTIN GETS A SMALL BOX OFF THE ISLAND AND GIVES IT TO DAPHNE BEFORE SITTING DOWN IN HIS CHAIR 

DAPHNE 

Fair enough buying me jewellery will keep me quiet about it, but he'll twig what's biting him soon. But thanks anyway. You shouldn't have. 

DAPHNE OPENS THE BOX 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

And I see you haven't. 

DAPHNE PRODUCES A SMALL RED BAND FROM THE BOX 

MARTIN 

It's a flea collar. 

DAPHNE 

Why have you bought me a flea collar? 

MARTIN 

So they won't bite you anymore. I'm wearing one as well. They make quite nice anklets. As long as you colour coordinate your socks. 

MARTIN LIFTS UP HIS LEG AND ROLLS UP HIS TROUSERS TO REVEAL A COLLAR 

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

But don't put them around your neck, they're a little tight, I nearly passed out when I tried it. I've got one for Eddie and Frasier as well. 

DAPHNE 

How are you going to put this on him without him noticing? 

MARTIN 

I'm going to do it when he's distracted eating his dinner. 

DAPHNE 

I meant Dr. Crane. 

MARTIN 

So did I. 

DAPHNE 

But you can still see them jumping around the apartment. Do these collars eventually give you troll blindness because I don't see how it'll work otherwise. 

FRASIER ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR WHICH STARTLES BOTH MARTIN AND DAPHNE CAUSES THEM TO SPIN AROUND FACING THE DOOR, BEFORE PLASTERING RIDICULOUS GRINS ON THEIR FACES AND FREEZING 

FRASIER 

What are you two up to? 

MARTIN 

(DEFENSIVELY) Nothing. 

DAPHNE 

(DEFENSIVELY) What makes you think that? 

FRASIER 

Well I choose to interpret everyone freezing and putting a fake goofy smile on their face when I come home as suspicious. Shotguns and dead relatives are also a giveaway. Has Niles been crammed into the oven with a knife sticking out of his back? Because you better not have let him bleed on my carpets. 

MARTIN HELPS FRASIER ONTO THE COUCH 

MARTIN 

Don't be silly. Now come on sit down and let's get you all comfy and take those shoes off. You've had a hard day. You need to relax. 

FRASIER 

(CONCERNED) Am I dying? 

MARTIN 

Can't I try to help my son? 

MARTIN SNEAKS A FLEA COLLAR OUT OF HIS POCKET AND LIFTS UP FRASIER'S LEG REMOVING HIS SHOES 

FRASIER 

Not when it begins to creep me out. What are you doing? 

MARTIN TRIES TO GET THE COLLAR ON HIS FOOT 

MARTIN 

These are lovely socks. They feel so nice. 

FRASIER SHAKES MARTIN OFF BEFORE HE CAN GET THE COLLAR ON HIM 

DAPHNE 

(HURRIEDLY) What's the time please Dr. Crane? 

FRASIER 

(LOOKS AT WATCH) Ten after six. 

DAPHNE 

Can I check for myself? 

FRASIER 

Why? 

DAPHNE 

I just want to see what time it is at home and I don't want to trouble you having to do the math. Too much thinking is bad for the mind, you wouldn't want it to explode now would you? 

DAPHNE GRABS HIS ARM AND STRETCHES IT OUT, SHIELDING HIS WRIST FROM HIS VIEW AND SIGNALLING TO MARTIN TO BUT THE COLLAR ON HIM 

FRASIER 

Is there any chance I can have my arm back sometime today Daphne? I may need it later. 

MARTIN 

What for? 

FRASIER 

To direct traffic, why do you think? Just possibly because it's attached to the rest of my body. What on earth is going on? 

DAPHNE LETS GO OF HIS ARM 

MARTIN 

I told you, nothing. 

FRASIER EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN SHAKING HIS HEAD 

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

I'll have to do it when he's asleep. 

FRASIER 

(OFF STAGE) Oh my God, Eddie has fleas! 

FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN 

DAPHNE 

I told you it was only a matter of time before he saw one. 

FRASIER 

Actually who ever has masterminded this cover up left the packaging for the flea collars on the counter. 

DAPHNE 

That would be the undercover cop here. 

MARTIN 

I'm sorry Frasier he must have picked them up from the park. 

FRASIER 

And I can pick him up something from the vets that will make him sleep for a very long time. 

MARTIN HANDS FRASIER THE COLLAR 

MARTIN 

Here put this on. 

FRASIER 

What is it? 

MARTIN 

A flea collar. 

FRASIER 

I'm not wearing a flea collar. 

MARTIN 

Why not? 

FRASIER 

Because I am not an animal. I am a human being. 

MARTIN 

Whatever Elephant Man, just put it on. 

FRASIER 

I can't believe this how am I supposed to get rid of them? 

MARTIN 

Don't raise your voice to me. 

DAPHNE 

Now, now drama Queens. All you have to do is have the place fumigated. 

FRASIER 

Oh yes, all I have to do is have tanks of toxins blasted through my apartment. Why don't I just drop a nuclear bomb in the living room instead? 

DAPHNE 

You don't have to stay here while they do it. 

MARTIN 

Although in your case they may make an exception. 

AS FRASIER PUTS ON THE FLEA COLLAR WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

FADE IN: 

INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/3   
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Roz, Eddie) 

NILES SETS ABOUT MAKING HIS APARTMENT ALL READY FOR A ROMANTIC AFTERNOON. HE FIRSTLY ATTEMPTS TO START A FIRE, BEING EXTREMELY CAREFUL ABOUT LIGHTING IT. HE MAKES SEVERAL ATTEMPTS TO LIGHT IT BUT BACKS AWAY AFRAID THAT IT WILL BURN HIM. EVENTUALLY HE DOES IT AND BACKS AWAY VERY QUICKLY NEARLY TRIPPING OVER HIS OWN FEET. BUT THEN CAN'T PUT THE MATCH OUT. HE SHAKES IT VIOLENTLY BUT IT STILL DOESN'T GO OUT. HE STARTS TO PANIC AS IT BURNS DOWN TOWARDS HIS FINGERS. HE THEN LICKS HIS FINGERS AND SQUEEZES THE FLAME OUT, WHICH ONLY RESULTS IN HIS DROPPING THE NOW OUT AND SMOKING MATCH AND JUMPING ABOUT THE ROOM SHAKING HIS FINGERS IN THE AIR AND SUCKING THEM. HE THEN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN AND COMES BACK WITH A BOTTLE OF WHITE WINE, TWO GLASSES AND AN ICE BUCKET. HE THEN SITS DOWN AND PUTS HIS HAND IN THE ICE 

SFX: DOORBELL

NILES 

I'm coming. 

NILES GETS UP, STILL SUCKING HIS FINGER AND THUMB AND OPENS THE DOOR. DAPHNE ENTERS CARRYING A SMALL BAG. THEY KISS 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Hello my love. 

DAPHNE 

Are you sure you don't mind me staying here while the place is fumigated. 

NILES 

It may have escaped your notice Daphne but we're engaged. It won't be long before you're living here permanently. You have realised you won't still be living with Frasier then haven't you? 

DAPHNE 

Oh course, I know. (SUDDENLY) How do you feel about unexpected guests? 

NILES 

What do you mean? Your mother isn't here is she? Simon? 

FRASIER ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

FRASIER 

Oh hi Niles 

NILES 

Frasier what are you...? 

MARTIN ENTERS WITH EDDIE THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

MARTIN 

Hiya Niles. 

NILES 

Dad, what is...you've brought Eddie. Or rather the flea farm. 

MARTIN 

Of course, I couldn't very well leave him at home now could I? The fumes would have killed him. 

FRASIER 

Don't blame me I tried to tie him up in the kitchen with my tie but I got caught. 

NILES 

Eddie or Dad? 

DAPHNE 

Both if he'd have had the chance. He'd have tried it with me but he knows I have the inherited ability to chew through my own legs without so much as battering an eye. 

FRASIER 

It's amazing eight years later we still learn something new about you everyday. And each fact still makes me that little bit more frightened. 

NILES 

Then why couldn't you have left Eddie at the kennels? 

MARTIN 

Who knows what he could have picked up from there? 

FRASIER 

You don't mind us staying here tonight do you Niles? We can't go back into the apartment until the early hours of the morning. 

NILES 

Oh course not, it's not as if I had anything special planned. But does Eddie really have to stay here? 

MARTIN 

If he doesn't I don't. 

NILES 

(OPENING THE FRONT DOOR) I'm not sure I have a cardboard box big enough for the both of you. Will you be OK on the sidewalk? That glare suggests no. (HE SHUTS THE DOOR AGAIN) Oh fine he can stay. But if I see one flea he'll be taking a flying leap over the side of the building. 

FRASIER 

How would you even know if there was a flea in this place? It's so big, you can actually have someone else living here and you'd never know. 

NILES 

Well that would explain why my pot plants keep being moved around the house. 

MARTIN 

See I told you we should have stayed at the Motel 6. 

SFX: DOORBELL

NILES OPENS THE DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS

NILES 

Roz! And what can I do for you? 

ROZ 

I need some place to sleep 

NILES 

I'm sorry, you may be pregnant and have travelled a long way on a donkey through the dessert but I have no room at the inn. Try a barn. Or maybe a cheep motel. 

ROZ 

Maybe you do not understand me. I need sleep. I have people constantly humping above my head. I live in fear that the ceiling tiles will fall on me in the night. 

NILES 

Once again I don't see how this is my problem when I already have a house full of guests. 

ROZ 

I'm tired, I'm grouchy, I have sleeping tablets that are making me more alert by the minute, I forgot that Frasier's place was being fumigated and have spent ten minutes sitting in a room full of toxins waiting for him to get home and just to add extra spice to my life I'm getting my period right now as we speak. 

MARTIN 

There is a little thing like saying too much. 

ROZ 

Add all of those things into the blender, hit the puree button and we might have a little doily with his arms ripped off and inserted up his nostrils. Do you understand me? 

NILES 

Please take my room. Do you need pyjamas? A toothbrush? 

AS ROZ COMES IN AND SITS ON THE FAINTING COUCH WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/3   
(Daphne, Roz, Martin, Frasier, Niles) 

MARTIN AND ROZ SIT ON THE FAINTING COUCH, WITH DAPHNE SITTING IN THE CHAIR ON THE RIGHT AND FRASIER IN THE CHAIR ON THE LEFT AS NILES RUNS ABOUT POURING PEOPLE WINE AND FETCHING COASTERS 

FRASIER 

Are you sure you're OK Roz? Your eyes look a little glassy. 

ROZ 

I'm fine. I only have a blood stream full of poison that's all. Well fine apart from that painting keeps waving at me. 

DAPHNE 

Of course it does. Have you tried phoning them to complain? 

ROZ 

I don't think the person in that painting has a phone. Unless there's a cellular in his pocket. 

DAPHNE 

I meant your neighbours. 

ROZ 

Yes and they've tried ripping the phone from the wall and throwing it across the room. 

MARTIN 

How about giving them a taste of their own medicine? 

ROZ 

They'd have to stop long enough for me to do that. 

FRASIER 

How about just going up there? 

NILES 

I don't think even Roz is desperate enough to actually go up there and join in. 

ROZ 

That's not what he meant. 

FRASIER 

Wasn't it? 

NILES 

How nice it is to be entertaining. 

MARTIN 

So what have you got planned for us Niles? 

NILES 

Erm...nothing. 

MARTIN 

What do you mean nothing? What are we going to do? 

ROZ 

You must have something planned for us. I nearly died at Frasier's to come here and spend the night. I want to do something. 

NILES 

In which case Roz I don't really think you should be drinking that heavily. But surprisingly enough I wasn't planning on having guests. 

FRASIER 

You knew Daphne was staying the night. 

NILES 

But we can't all do what I had planned. Apart from the fact three of us are related, I think it's illegal in fifty states. 

DAPHNE 

In some countries you could have your hands cut off. 

ROZ PICKS UP AN EMPTY WINE BOTTLE AND EXITS WITH IT INTO THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

I don't think it's his hands he's worried about. 

DAPHNE LOOKS AT NILES' PHONE 

DAPHNE 

What do you have all these buttons for on your phone for? 

NILES 

It's the intercom. 

DAPHNE 

You can speak to anyone in any room with this? 

NILES 

That's right. Except the bathroom, I've saved us all that little treat. 

FRASIER 

You didn't know that? 

NILES 

You see our relationship works because we spend a lot of time in the same room together. Not buzzing each other through the intercom. Which is probably why you've been divorced twice. 

ROZ RE-ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND SITS DOWN 

DAPHNE 

You have a gift-wrapping room? 

FRASIER 

Let's not get into that again. 

ROZ 

How could you not know that? Aren't you here nearly everyday? 

DAPHNE 

But I'd need a sniffer dog, a map and a top of the range compass to find my way around without my Sherpa here. I'd leave a trail of breadcrumbs so that I don't get lost but I have a feeling the clean freak doctor would be following me with the dust buster and a frown on his face. 

NILES 

It's the room opposite my study. 

DAPHNE 

You said that was a closet. 

NILES 

I thought the truth might make me seem... 

ROZ 

Kind of gay? 

NILES 

Yes and I'd appreciate it if you didn't go in the gift-wrapping room with any naked flame. 

MARTIN 

Damn and there was I wanting to practice my fire eating in there. 

EDDIE STARTS TO SCRATCH HIMSELF 

NILES 

Dad why is Eddie scratching? 

MARTIN 

He's a dog it's what he does. 

ROZ 

Oh my God Eddie just spoke. How long has he been talking? 

FRASIER 

That was Dad. 

ROZ 

Was it? Oh well you can always teach him to talk. 

FRASIER LEANS ACROSS AND TAKES ROZ'S WINE GLASS OFF HER AND HIDES IT 

NILES 

He hasn't brought any fleas here has he? 

DAPHNE 

We gave him a good bath and he's got that collar on so I wouldn't have thought so. 

NILES 

But they may have stowed away, in steerage. Someone double-check he doesn't have any on him. 

MARTIN 

Oh fine. 

MARTIN PICKS UP EDDIE AND STARTS TO LOOK FOR FLEAS ON HIM 

FRASIER 

Well now you've found something to entertain Dad, what about the rest of us? 

NILES 

My wine needs resorting alphabetically and chronologically. 

ROZ 

Or alternatively, maybe I could just jab this pen in my eye. 

NILES 

I'm flexible either way. 

AS MARTIN CONTINUES TO INSPECT EDDIE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

TITLE CARD: '...AND ALL THROUGH THE HOUSE NOTHING WAS STIRRING, NOT EVEN A MOUSE' 

FADE IN: 

INT. NILES' UPSTAIRS HALLWAY — NIGHT — DAY/3   
(Niles, Roz, Frasier, Martin, Eddie) 

FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE, MARTIN, ROZ AND EDDIE ALL STAND IN THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE THE BEDROOMS IN THEIR DRESSING GOWNS. NILES AND DAPHNE'S ROOM IS ON THE LEFT WITH ROZ'S, FRASIER'S AND MARTIN'S ON THE LEFT. ROZ STRUGGLES TO MAINTAIN HER BALANCE 

NILES 

OK now are you all going to be OK? Are you all going to go straight to bed? I'm not going to have you running up and down the hallways and leaving the art books open on the most provocative pages am I? 

ROZ 

There's no chance of that happening Mr. Hefner. Us bunny girls know when the parties over. 

NILES 

Yes and for you that's normally when the Police arrive 

FRASIER 

Well goodnight all and thanks again Niles. 

FRASIER EXITS INTO HIS ROOM 

MARTIN 

Goodnight. 

MARTIN EXITS INTO HIS ROOM ALONG WITH EDDIE

ROZ 

Time for another couple of sleeping tablets. Although I don't know why I bother, I'm more alert now then I was before. But finally I'm going to be able to get nights sleep without hearing other people having sex. 

ROZ EXITS INTO HER ROOM BEFORE NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT INTO NILES' ROOM 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER INSIDE AND NILES SHUTS THE DOOR. DAPHNE SITS DOWN ON THE BED AS NILES TURNS TO HER AND SMILES 

DAPHNE 

Then maybe you shouldn't have put Roz in the room opposite yours. 

NILES 

Ah-ha but you see this is where I get my revenge. 

DAPHNE 

She'll hear. 

NILES 

She's pumped up to the eyeballs with sleeping tablets, toxins and alcohol. She'll be lucky if she wakes up ever again. 

NILES KISSES HER 

DAPHNE 

Uh-oh I don't like that look in your eye, you look as if you have a bad case of wind. 

NILES 

Now that's romantic. 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' UPSTAIRS HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM CARRYING EDDIE UNDER HIS ARM. HE WALKS TO NILES' DOOR AND GOES TO KNOCK ON IT BUT SUDDENLY STOPS. HE THEN WALKS BACK TO FRASIER'S DOOR AND KNOCKS ON THAT ONE INSTEAD 

MARTIN 

Hey Frasier. 

FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM 

FRASIER 

What's the matter? 

MARTIN 

I need an extra pillow for Eddie. 

FRASIER 

Then what are you pestering me for? They don't breed under this bed you know. Ask Niles. 

MARTIN 

I can't go in there, what if they're...you know...doing stuff. 

FRASIER 

Like origami? 

MARTIN 

Don't play innocent with me. You've got a child, I know you've done it at least once. 

FRASIER 

Well at least you believe my testimony rather then the turkey baster's. 

MARTIN 

Frasier just help me find one will you? 

FRASIER 

No old man, you can go and find one yourself now. 

FRASIER EXITS BACK INSIDE. MARTIN PROCEEDS TO WONDER AROUND THE HALLWAY LOOKING FOR AN EXTRA PILLOW. HE STOPS OUTSIDE A DOOR DOWN THE OTHER END OF THE HALLWAY BEFORE EXITING THROUGH IT 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' LIBRARY — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN NOW ENTERS INTO THE LIBRARY AND HAS A QUICK LOOK AROUND BEFORE EXITING DOWN THE STAIRS AND OUT OF THE LIBRARY 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE LIES DOWN IN BED FACING AWAY FROM NILES AS HE SITS UP ON THE OTHER SIDE SMILING FROM EAR TO EAR AND STARING AT HER 

DAPHNE 

Niles we can't. 

NILES 

No I'm pretty sure we can, I seem to remember us doing it several times before. My dreams are never that creative. 

DAPHNE 

You heard what Roz said? 

NILES 

Are you telling me Roz is going to dictate our sex life now? This is a woman who hears talking dogs and waving paintings. We can be quiet. 

DAPHNE 

No I can be quiet, you can't. And besides your brother and father are out there. 

NILES 

They're not looking through the keyhole. 

DAPHNE 

It still just doesn't feel right. 

NILES 

It's not the first time they've been there. 

DAPHNE 

I know but this time they're across the hall, not clean across the other side of the apartment. It's the geography, I'm sorry. You can cope without it for one night you horny hound. 

NILES 

(MISERABLE) That's doctor horny hound to you. 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN NOW STANDS IN THE CORRIDOR TO THE LEFT OF THE LIVING ROOM. MARTIN QUICKLY NOTICES THAT HE IS LOST AND BEGINS TO PANIC. HE THEN EXITS INTO A ROOM ON THE RIGHT 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' GIFT-WRAPPING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN ENTERS INTO THE GIFT WRAPPING ROOM AND FINDS THE PHONE. HE THEN BUZZES ONE OF THE NUMBERS 

RESET TO: 

INT. ROZ'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ LIES IN BED HALF ASLEEP WITH THE TELEPHONE ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE AND THE BOTTLE OF SLEEPING TABLETS IN HER HAND. MARTIN VOICE COMES FROM THE INTERCOM ON THE PHONE 

MARTIN 

(OFF STAGE) Frasier. Frasier help. 

ROZ SUDDENLY SHOOTS UPRIGHT IN BED AND LOOKS AROUND BEFORE NEARLY FALLING OUT OF IT AND LANDING ON THE FLOOR 

ROZ 

Hello? Is anyone there? 

MARTIN 

(OFF STAGE) Frasier, can you hear me? 

ROZ 

Is someone there? Can you hear me? 

ROZ GETS OUT OF BED AND STARTS TO WALK ABOUT THE ROOM 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER LIES IN BED TOSSING AND TURNING ONCE AGAIN WITH THE PHONE ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE. MARTIN'S VOICE ONCE AGAIN COMES THROUGH THE INTERCOM 

MARTIN 

(OFF STAGE) Frasier come in, Frasier. 

FRASIER SHOOTS OUT OF BED, TURNS ON THE LIGHT AND LOOKS AT THE PHONE 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES SITS UP IN BED READING A BOOK AS DAPHNE SNUGGLES UP NEXT TO HIM. THIS TIME FRASIER'S VOICE APPEARS OVER THE INTERCOM 

FRASIER 

(OFF STAGE) Dad where are you? 

THEY BOTH TURN AND STARE AT THE PHONE 

NILES 

Well that's normal. 

DAPHNE 

He hasn't sneaked in and crawled under the bed has he? 

RESET TO: 

INT. ROZ'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ STANDS BY THE RIGHT HAND WALL WITH HER EAR PRESSED UP AGAINST IT. ONCE AGAIN ALL VOICES COME FROM THE INTERCOM 

MARTIN 

(OFF STAGE) I'm trapped. 

ROZ 

Hello? Are you in the wall? Speak to me if you can breathe. Stay with me, I'll find you. 

ROZ STARTS TO KNOCK ON THE WALLS LOOKING FOR A HOLLOW PATCH 

MARTIN 

(OFF STAGE) I'm lost. 

ROZ 

Don't worry I'll find you. If I can find my way home across campus drunk and half naked I'm sure I can find you in a wall. 

FRASIER 

(OFF STAGE) Where are you? 

ROZ 

Oh my God, there's two of them. I'm here, I'm trying to find you. Just sit tight. 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' GIFT-WRAPPING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN PICKS UP THE PHONE TO EXAMINE ALL THE NUMBERS. HE THEN SQUINTS AS HE IS WITHOUT HIS GLASSES. FINALLY HE PICKS ANOTHER NUMBER AND PRESSES IT 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER STANDS LEANING OVER THE PHONE WAITING FOR A RESPONSE 

MARTIN 

(OFF STAGE) Frasier can you hear me? I'm in the gift-wrapping room. 

FRASIER 

Finally, I'm coming. 

FRASIER PUTS ON HIS DRESSING GOWN AND HEADS TOWARDS THE DOOR 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES AND DAPHNE ARE BOTH LYING DOWN NOW STARING AT THE CEILING 

NILES 

It does not. 

DAPHNE 

It does look at it. Now squint your left eye slightly, poke your finger in your right eye and turn you head a little to the left. 

NILES 

Nope it still doesn't look like Frasier. And now I think I'm possibly going blind. 

DAPHNE 

Are you looking at the right crack pattern? It's the one to the right of the large one that looks like Regis wearing spandex. 

NILES 

There's an image I can do without. 

DAPHNE 

It does it looks like your brother, if he had an eye patch and an extra hand growing out of his cheek. 

NILES 

I don't know what's more upsetting. The fact that I have an mutated image of my brother on my ceiling in cracks or that I have cracks in the ceiling in the first place. 

RESET TO: 

INT. ROZ'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ QUICKLY GRABS HER DRESSING GOWN AND PUTS IT ON 

ROZ 

Can you hear me? I'm going to get some help. 

ROZ EXITS OUT OF HER ROOM 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' UPSTAIRS HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

ROZ ENTERS OUT OF HER ROOM AND GOES TO KNOCK ON NILES' DOOR 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

I can't go in there. What if they're doing...stuff? 

ROZ THEN OPENS FRASIER'S DOOR 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Frasier, I need your...help. Frasier? Frasier where are you? 

SHE THEN SHUTS FRASIER'S DOOR AND OPENS MARTIN'S DOOR 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Martin? Eddie? Have you all been evacuated? 

ROZ THEN SHUTS MARTIN'S DOOR AND GOES BACK TO HER DOOR AGAIN 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Don't worry I'm going to get some help. 

ROZ EXITS DOWN THE CORRIDOR 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' DOWNSTAIRS CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER STANDS IN THE CORRIDOR LOOKING FOR MARTIN 

FRASIER 

Dad where are you? 

MARTIN 

(OFF STAGE) I'm over here. 

FRASIER EXITS INTO THE GIFT-WRAPPING ROOM 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' GIFT-WRAPPING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN STANDS STILL HOLDING EDDIE IN ONE HAND AND THE PHONE IN THE OTHER AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER 

What are you doing in here? 

MARTIN 

I've already told you. Looking for a pillow for Eddie. 

FRASIER 

Must he always have a pillow? 

MARTIN 

Must you always ask that question? 

FRASIER 

Why didn't you just ask Niles? 

MARTIN 

What are we Jewish? Stop answering a question with a question. 

FRASIER 

Then why didn't you ask Niles? 

MARTIN 

We've already had this discussion and it ended with you sulking in your room and me writing you out of my will. Now how do we get back? 

FRASIER POINTS TOWARDS THE LIVING ROOM 

FRASIER 

It's this way. 

MARTIN 

No it's not, I've already tried that way. 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

ROZ TALKS ON THE PHONE AS SHE SEARCHES THROUGH ALL OF THE DRAWERS 

ROZ 

(ON PHONE) Hello? Police? Yeah there's someone trapped inside my bedroom wall, I can't get them out. Exactly what I said, they're stuck in the wall. Two I think. No am I not drunk...well not to excess anyway. Well the same to you buddy. 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' GIFT-WRAPPING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN STILL STANDS AS BEFORE STARING OUTSIDE THE DOOR FRASIER CAME IN 

MARTIN 

Are you still there? 

FRASIER 

(OFF STAGE) Yes I've only gone outside the door. I'm know it's this way. That's the front door at the end. 

MARTIN 

Don't leave me. 

FRASIER 

Oh and what do you think will happen to you? You're in Niles' apartment for God's sake. 

MARTIN 

Exactly, with all his African nick-knacks with huge appendages lying around I'm worried about what I'm going to put my hand on. I would like to continue to feel like a real man. 

FRASIER 

In that case may I suggest you stay away from the study. 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' DOWNSTAIRS CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER STARTS TO EDGE HIS WAY DOWN THE CORRIDOR OPENING THE DOORS AND SEEING WHAT'S INSIDE ALONG THE WAY, TAKING THE OPPORTUNITY TO SNOOP AROUND WHILE HE HAS THE CHANCE 

MARTIN 

(OFF STAGE) Where are you going now? 

FRASIER 

I'm trying to go back to my room through the living room. 

MARTIN 

(OFF STAGE) I told you I've tried that way. 

FRASIER 

For once trust my sense of direction Dad. 

MARTIN 

(OFF STAGE) Do you need a match? 

FRASIER 

No that's fine I can see. 

MARTIN 

(OFF STAGE) Since when were you genetically engineered with a mole? 

FRASIER 

Since you started annoying me and I wanted to get away as quickly as humanly possible. 

MARTIN 

Oh good so then you'll be able to see which finger I'm holding up. 

FRASIER OPENS A DOOR ON THE RIGHT AND EXITS INTO IT, WITH THE DOOR SHUTTING BEHIND HIM 

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

Frasier? Frasier are you there? 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' LINING CLOSET — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER STANDS IN COMPLETE DARKNESS BEFORE PULLING A CORD AND A LIGHT COMING ON TO REVEAL THAT HE IS STANDING IN A LINING CLOSET. HE TURNS AROUND TO OPEN THE DOOR BUT IT WON'T OPEN. HE PULLS AT IT QUITE VIOLENTLY 

FRASIER 

Oh I don't believe this. 

FRASIER PULLS AT THE KNOB ONE MORE TIME, WHICH CAUSES HIM TO FALL BACK AND MAKES ALL THE SHEETS AND PILLOWS FALL ON HIM. FRASIER BATTLES TO STAND UP 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

On the upside I've found a pillow. 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' GIFT-WRAPPING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN STANDS BY THE DOORWAY STILL HOLDING BOTH EDDIE AND THE PHONE 

MARTIN 

Frasier? Oh great we're being picked off one by one. It's Korea all over again. 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES LIES LOOKING ASLEEP AS DAPHNE SITS UPRIGHT NEXT TO HIM. SHE LOOKS AT HIM AND THEN LEANS OVER RESTING HER HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER 

DAPHNE 

Niles. Niles. 

NILES 

(SLEEPILY) What? 

DAPHNE 

Do you think they've all gone to sleep yet? 

NILES 

I don't know. Why don't you go and knock on their doors and see? 

DAPHNE 

Fine if that's your attitude. You won't want to know I've changed my mind. 

DAPHNE SITS UPRIGHT AS NILES ROLLS OVER TO FACE HER 

NILES 

And now you think I'm going to spring to life? 

DAPHNE 

Well aren't you? 

NILES 

You bet am I. 

DAPHNE LIES BACK DOWN AGAIN AS NILES SITS UP 

DAPHNE 

Too late you've offended me now. 

DAPHNE ROLLS OVER AND TURNS AWAY FROM HIM 

NILES 

You can't stay mad at me. 

DAPHNE 

You're right. 

DAPHNE SITS BACK UP AND KISSES HIM 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

But there's always a first time. 

DAPHNE LIES BACK DOWN AGAIN FACING AWAY FROM NILES 

NILES 

There's a name for women like you. 

DAPHNE 

Which is? 

NILES 

Absolutely beautiful. 

SHE SITS BACK UP AND KISSES HIM 

RESET TO: 

INT. ROZ'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ ENTERS HOLDING A HAMMER AND MOVES TO THE RIGHT HAND WALL PRESSING HER EAR UP IT 

ROZ 

Don't worry guys I'm here. The Police won't come, but never fear I've found a hammer. Well not a hammer, a meat mallet, the twerp doesn't have a hammer. 

ROZ PULLS THE HAMMER BACK AND PREPARES TO HIT THE WALL WITH IT 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES AND DAPHNE REMAIN AS WE LEFT THEM IN AN EMBRACE 

SFX: LOUD BANGING

NILES AND DAPHNE BOTH SHOOT OUT OF BED AND GRAB THEIR DRESSING GOWNS 

NILES 

What the hell is that? 

DAPHNE 

I told you they'd hear us, but would you listen? 

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT THROUGH THE BEDROOM DOOR 

RESET TO: 

INT. ROZ'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ STILL HITS THE WALL WITH THE HAMMER CREATING A LARGE HOLE AS NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER

NILES 

Roz what are you doing? 

ROZ STOPS HITTING THE WALL 

ROZ 

There's someone trapped in the wall. 

NILES 

Excuse me? 

ROZ 

I've heard someone calling for help from inside the wall. 

DAPHNE 

How did they get in there? 

ROZ 

I guess they got walled in downstairs and must have crawled up some how. 

NILES 

What are you insane? 

MARTIN 

(OFF STAGE) Niles are you there? 

DAPHNE 

It's true, they know your name. 

NILES 

That's the intercom. 

NILES EXITS THE ROOM FOLLOWED BY ROZ AND DAPHNE

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' UPSTAIRS HALLWAY — CONTINUOUS

NILES, ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER INTO THE HALLWAY. NILES IMMEDIATELY OPENS MARTIN'S DOOR 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Dad what are you...? Where is he? 

NILES SHUTS MARTIN'S DOOR AND OPENS FRASIER'S DOOR 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Frasier? What is going on? 

NILES WALKS DOWN THE HALL A FEW STEPS LISTENING FOR SIGNS OF LIFE 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' GIFT-WRAPPING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN PUTS EDDIE DOWN ON THE FLOOR AND ONCE AGAIN CLOSELY EXAMINES THE PHONE, BUT STILL UNABLE TO SEE. HE TRIES TO TURN ON A LAMP ON THE DESK BUT IT WON'T COME ON. HE FUMBLES AROUND ON THERE FOR A MOMENT BEFORE FINDING A BOX OF MATCHES. HE LIGHTS ONE AND LOOKS AT THE NUMBERS ON THE PHONE AGAIN. THE MATCH QUICKLY BURNS DOWN, BURNING MARTIN'S FINGER CAUSING HIM TO DROP IT ON THE DESK AS NILES ENTERS FOLLOWED BY ROZ AND DAPHNE

NILES (CONT'D) 

Oh my God. Would you mind not setting fire to my apartment? 

MARTIN AND NILES BOTH BLOW ON THE MATCH UNTIL IT GOES OUT 

MARTIN 

Sorry. 

NILES 

The one thing I asked you not to do. Where is Frasier? 

MARTIN 

He went down there and then he just disappeared. I knew we should have stayed at the Motel 6 this place is too spooky. The same person whose moving your pot plants is picking us off one by one 

NILES 

That was a joke. 

NILES EXITS OUT THE DOOR 

ROZ 

You're telling me this place is scary. I thought there was someone in the wall. 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS 

NILES WALKS DOWN THE HALLWAY 

NILES 

Frasier? Frasier where are you? 

FRASIER 

(OFF STAGE) I'm locked in here. 

NILES TRACKS DOWN THE VOICE AND OPENS THE DOOR TO THE LINEN CLOSET. FRASIER STEPS OUT OF IT HOLDING A PILLOW COVERED IN SHEETS 

NILES 

What are you doing in there? 

FRASIER 

I thought I'd use all these blankets and see what mummification is like. You know just for fun. 

MARTIN, ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM THE GIFT-WRAPPING ROOM 

MARTIN 

There you are. 

FRASIER 

Your pillow. 

DAPHNE 

Would someone please explain what exactly is going on? 

NILES 

I can tell you. This is the last time I ever have a sleep over. I've got one drugged up on sleeping tablets, toxins and alcohol person pounding craters into my wall and hearing dogs talking, another setting fire to another room, another playing hide and seek with himself and the other refusing me sex. Camp counsellors don't have this much trouble with hormonal teenagers away from home for the first time. 

MARTIN 

Then can you point me back in the direction of my room? 

DAPHNE 

Of course Hansel, it's that way. And for future reference maps of the location are located for sale in the lobby. Where you can also buy jerky and plenty of alcohol. 

ROZ 

Oh good because I could sure use that. 

AS THEY EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT-WRAPPING ROOM BACK TOWARDS THEIR ROOMS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(G) 

FADE IN: 

INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/4   
(Daphne, Niles) 

NILES SITS ON THE FAINTING COUCH AS DAPHNE STANDS BY THE DOOR SAYING GOODBYE TO EVERYONE 

DAPHNE 

Ok bye, I'll see you at home later. 

DAPHNE SHUTS THE DOOR AND SITS ON THE FAINTING COUCH 

NILES 

Thank God. I don't think I could have lasted another second with the Clampet's living here without some sort of sedative. 

DAPHNE 

I've lived with them for eight years think how I feel. They argue more then an old married couple. Except thankfully there's no kissing and make up sex. 

NILES 

There's an image that'll need repressing later. 

DAPHNE STARTS TO STARE AT NILES' TROUSER LEG 

DAPHNE 

What's that? 

NILES 

What's what? 

DAPHNE 

Nothing I just thought I say something moving on your trousers. 

NILES 

Are you trying to seduce me Miss. Moon? We have some catching up to do. 

DAPHNE 

It was in the back of my mind Doctor but not right now. I'm serious. Uh-oh. 

NILES 

What? 

DAPHNE 

Nothing. 

NILES 

No it's definitely something. 

DAPHNE THEN SUDDENLY SLAPS NILES' LEG AND HE DOUBLES OVER IN PAIN 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Well there's no point in trying to seduce me now, you've just killed my interest. 

DAPHNE 

Niles I hate to tell you this, but you've got fleas. 

NILES 

And the inability to ever have children. 

CUT TO: 

(H) 

CUT TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/4   
(Frasier, Daphne, Niles) 

FRASIER POURS HIMSELF A SHERRY AS DAPHNE ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

FRASIER 

Oh hi Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

Hello Dr. Crane. How do you feel about unexpected guests? 

FRASIER 

Your mother isn't here is she? Simon? 

NILES ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

NILES 

I have fleas. 

FRASIER 

You should change your conditioner then. 

AS FRASIER HANDS NILES A SHERRY WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: NILES GUIDES A DECORATOR INTO HIS SPARE BEDROOM PREVIOUSLY OCCUPIED BY ROZ AND POINTS TO THE HOLE. THE DECORATOR STARTS TO LOOK AT IT AS NILES TAKES DOWN A FEW PICTURES OFF THE WALL SO THAT HE CAN GET TO WORK. BEHIND TWO OF THE THREE PAINTINGS ARE EXTRA HOLES THAT WERE HIDDEN. HE ROLLS HIS EYES, SHAKES HIS HEAD AND POINTS THEM OUT TO THE DECORATOR. 


	6. Episode Six

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_Well obviously no one except Jodie, Marissa and Amanda wanted last week's prize so I really can't be bothered to offer one this week, they'll just have to share the badgers noses between them (Amanda can't have any because its compulsory for her to send me feedback because 1) we go to university together and 2) because who told Phill Moran about my writing these in that TV seminar!!!!). In fact I may just go off in the corner and sulk. But anyway if you want to send me feedback send it to kelly_simba@hotmail.com. _

_Enjoy... _

_...Oh wait before I begin, I just have one question to ask. Where have all the fanfic writers gone? Are they being taken out one by one? Is someone breaking into their homes in the middle of the night, climbing the stairs with a whippet between their teeth, and then sneaking up behind them while they type away and snat... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Nine Episode Six   
The Front Page 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: "IF THERE'S A TAXI STRIKE THEY REPLACE THEM WITH STEAM ROLLERS AND COMBINE HARVESTERS" 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Niles, Roz, Man) 

FRASIER AND NILES SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED NERVOSA DRINKING THEIR COFFEE. FRASIER IS IN THE MIDDLE OF A STORY 

FRASIER 

It was without doubt the worse date, in the history of bad dates. Being set upon by a group of rabid gophers while being forced to watch a Monster Truck Rally would have been more preferable. In fact I'd rather remarry Lilith, have a life of misery and get brain freezes every time I kiss her then repeat that experience. 

NILES 

But didn't you come home this morning? 

FRASIER 

Well yes, but you see I couldn't leave. 

NILES 

Glued to the floor were you? 

FRASIER 

No it was because... 

FRASIER LOOKS AROUND AND SEES LOTS OF PEOPLE STANDING CLOSE BY 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

I think maybe this is a conversation for a more private occasion. It's not something I want other people over hearing. There's no point in more then the two of us getting traumatised for life. 

NILES 

Am I sure I really want to hear this? But then again if I can cope listening to my patients sordid sex lives and rather vivid and pornographic drawings I can surly cope with yours. It doesn't involve a pumpkin and a bottle of vapour rub does it? 

FRASIER 

No. 

NILES 

Thank God, I just thought I'd check. I don't want to have that dream again. I woke up shaking with a handful of Daphne's hair. 

ROZ ENTERS LOOKING EXTREMELY FLUSTERED AND SITS DOWN 

ROZ 

Oh my God, my life could not get any worse. Actually getting mowed down by a tractor in the middle of the street may improve my situation. 

NILES 

Now I'm not really sure I want to hear this. 

FRASIER 

And how many tractors have you seen in downtown Seattle? Does the city keep them as backup in case a bus breaks down at short notice? Do you have to pay extra to be dragged behind it by your teeth? 

ROZ 

That's not the point wise ass! I'm having a major crisis here. 

FRASIER 

What's the matter with you? 

ROZ 

I've been called up on jury duty. 

NILES 

And? 

ROZ 

And? What and? That's it, I've been called up on jury duty. 

FRASIER 

Roz there are people out there forced to drink inferior wine out of boxes and sit in coach on long hall business flights without a slumber mask and a massage. I would hardly call being called up to serve your country a crisis. It's those poor souls we should pity not you. 

NILES 

Think of it this way, you'll get out of listening to Frasier drone on in his show while you serve. Nothing can be worse then that. In fact if you ever loose your hearing that could be put down as a work related illness. You could sue Frasier for millions. 

ROZ 

You know, you've got a point there. 

FRASIER 

I think my ten thousand strong listening base throughout Washington and parts of Canada would disagree with you. 

ROZ 

It's just a shame the majority of them have a multiple personality disorder which cuts the numbers down a lot. 

NILES 

So in reality you could count the number of fans you have on your fingers and still drive on the freeway at rush hour. 

A MAN WALKS PAST BEHIND FRASIER 

FRASIER 

Thank you both so much, but I do have real fans. 

MAN 

Yes you do and I count myself as one. 

FRASIER 

Thank you Sir. 

MAN 

Yes you do and I count myself as one. (TALKING TO HIS SHOULDER) I've just said that. No you didn't. Yes I did now stop embarrassing me. 

THE MAN EXITS

ROZ 

I think the prosecution rests. 

NILES 

I wonder what case you'll get. Senator Rafitor's case is coming up soon. Did you see what he did to those cows? No wonder their milk production has been on the scarce side recently. I'm amazed they're not all blind and clucking. 

ROZ 

My guess would be after that experience the milk they are producing is chocolate milk. 

FRASIER 

Let's just hope the trial is before your "friend" comes to visit for the month. 

ROZ 

And what does that mean? 

FRASIER 

Oh come on Roz, we've all seen how irrational you can become. I've still got the scars from when you attacked me with that pencil sharpener. Have you noticed how sharp my fingers are recently? I pity the poor man who has you decide his fate, when you've had a disastrous date and you're in one of your "moods". 

ROZ 

That's the most sexist thing I have ever heard. If you were ever called up, you'd call for the death sentence for some poor guy who accidentally broke of bottle of your expensive Mr. Fancy pants wine. 

NILES 

Well who wouldn't? That is a crime. 

FRASIER 

And of course it all depends on what wine. 

AS FRASIER AND NILES CHAT AND IGNORE ROZ WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — DAY/1   
(Daphne, Niles, Martin, Frasier) 

NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM. NILES LOOKS EXTREMELY EMBARRASSED AND UPSET AS DAPHNE TRIES TO COMFORT HIM. NILES SITS ON THE COUCH AND DAPHNE SITS ON THE ARM OF MARTIN'S CHAIR 

DAPHNE 

Niles I've told you, it doesn't matter. 

NILES 

I'm just so embarrassed. 

DAPHNE 

Forget about it, I have. 

NILES 

That's because there wasn't anything to remember in the first place. It's never happened to me before. 

DAPHNE 

(SURPRISED) What never? 

NILES 

Well not with you. 

DAPHNE 

But you have been under a lot of stress recently. 

NILES 

No I haven't. If this is what happens when I'm not stressed will it drop off completely when I am? 

DAPHNE 

Just forget about it. 

NILES 

I can't. Why won't I work anymore? It's all those years of being married to Maris. I was only going to live a sex-starved life for so long before everything froze up. You can't leave a Sub Zero 5756 Commando freezer unplugged for years and then plug it in and expect it to run none stop. Things are bound to overheat and breakdown. 

DAPHNE 

I've told you it doesn't matter. Once, that's all. If it gets into double figures by the end of the week then yes I'll be a little annoyed and suggest a trip to the doctors and maybe even some hydraulic equipment. 

NILES 

Thanks, no pressure. 

DAPHNE SITS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH 

DAPHNE 

Think of the pressure if it happens on our honeymoon. 

NILES 

Do you want it to never happen again? 

DAPHNE 

Oh I'm sorry. (KISS) Was I pressuring you? (KISS) I'll never (KISS) Do it (KISS) Again (KISS) 

MARTIN ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR HOLDING A NEWSPAPER AS NILES AND DAPHNE CONTINUE TO KISS 

MARTIN 

Hi guys. 

NILES BREAKS THE KISS AND LOOKS UP TO THE HEAVENS 

NILES 

Oh great now it works. 

MARTIN 

What does? 

DAPHNE 

Nothing. 

MARTIN 

Is Frasier here? 

DAPHNE 

I think he's in his room. 

MARTIN 

(SHOUTS) Frasier! Frasier get in here! Frasier! 

NILES 

In his room, not in Cuba having his ears removed! 

FRASIER RUNS IN FROM HIS ROOM 

FRASIER 

What is it? Who has been murdered? 

MARTIN 

I've got something to show you. 

FRASIER 

Then it must be Eddie impaled on a spoon because otherwise I don't see any reason why you'd be shouting like that. 

MARTIN 

This is good news. 

FRASIER 

So Eddie really has been impaled? That's not good news that glorious news. 

MARTIN 

No look at the paper. 

MARTIN HANDS NILES THE OPEN PAPER WHO LOOKS AT IT WITH DAPHNE AND FRASIER LEANING OVER TO LOOK AS WELL 

DAPHNE 

Oh yes look at that. 

NILES 

You've completed the crossword. Although I hate to be picky Dad but Zipwing is not a type of potato and there's no W in England. 

DAPHNE 

That all depends on if you have a speech impediment or not. 

FRASIER 

So let me get this straight I've come out here because of a crossword? Well at least I've had a seizure running out of my room for a good reason. 

MARTIN 

Try looking past your nose above the crossword in the letters. 

FRASIER 

Oh yes a letter by Martin Crane. Isn't this the forth one you'd had printed now? 

NILES 

Who knew you could write so many letters about that Jane Mansfield jungle dream? 

MARTIN 

Actually it's a letter of complaint. 

NILES 

Have they cancelled your favourite TV show again? 

DAPHNE 

It wasn't cancelled last time, the show was just on hiatus for the summer. We have this discussion every year. I'm going to start to tape it so I don't have to repeat myself. 

MARTIN 

It's about the dog park actually. 

FRASIER 

Have they been letting those pesky dogs go there again? 

MARTIN 

I just think that the place could be cleaned up a little. 

DAPHNE 

I'll say I found a condom on the mouthpiece of the water fountain last week. 

FRASIER 

That's disgusting. 

DAPHNE 

Well not really, it's actually quite useful. It was a glow in the dark condom. So if it was dark and you wanted a drink of water, you'd always find the mouthpiece. 

FRASIER 

Yes and some possibly highly contagious disease. 

NILES 

Wait a second the dogs have a water fountain? 

MARTIN 

Surprisingly no. They need to do something down there, there are broken bottles all over the floor and it's just not safe for the dogs there anymore. Eddie could accidentally slit his wrists on the glass. 

SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING

FRASIER 

Wouldn't that be a shame. 

DAPHNE STANDS AND ANSWERS THE PHONE 

DAPHNE 

Mr. Crane it's for you. 

MARTIN PICKS UP THE PHONE 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

(TO FRASIER AND NILES) It's a woman. 

FRASIER AND NILES BOTH GIVE EACH OTHER KNOWING GLANCES 

MARTIN 

(TO FRASIER AND NILES) Oh put your eyebrows down. (ON THE PHONE) Hello? Yes this is he. Really? Well that would be great. Sure. At the office? And what time would that be? That's fine. Who do I ask for? OK thanks a lot. Bye. 

MARTIN HANGS UP THE PHONE AND SITS IN HIS CHAIR 

FRASIER 

Well are you going to tell us or do I have to Star 69 to find out who that was? 

MARTIN 

That was the newspaper. They want to talk to me about getting a column in the paper once a week. 

FRASIER 

You're going to have a column in a newspaper? 

MARTIN 

Yeah that's right. 

FRASIER 

Then why don't I just add that to my list of reasons to drink drain cleaner and die? 

DAPHNE 

What are you going to write about? 

MARTIN 

They said anything I want, but we'll talk more about it tomorrow. 

DAPHNE 

Well then congratulations. 

NILES 

Yeah that's great Dad. 

MARTIN 

Can you believe it, my column is going to be on news stands, in waiting rooms, everywhere. 

FRASIER 

Including litter trays. 

AS FRASIER EXITS BACK INTO HIS ROOM WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

TITLE CARD: "ON THE PLUS SIDE HE'LL PLAY REQUESTS" 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/2   
(Niles, Frasier, Daphne, Martin, Roz) 

FRASIER, NILES AND DAPHNE SIT BY THE WINDOW IN NERVOSA 

NILES 

Frasier you never did tell me what was so disastrous about your date the other night. You've still got all your fingers so it couldn't have been that bad. 

FRASIER 

Not now Niles. 

NILES 

Why not? 

FRASIER 

Just because. 

DAPHNE 

Oh I see, he doesn't want to talk because the servant is here. 

FRASIER 

Daphne you know very well I've never looked at you that way... well not anymore anyway, it won't be long until you're my sister-in-law. 

DAPHNE 

My God that's a frightening thought. Having you and your father as my in-laws. Have I still got time to change my mind and just shack up with you in a trailer park with a bigheaded banjo boy on the doorstep instead? 

NILES 

Wait let me think. (INSTANTLY) No. 

FRASIER 

I'd still rather not discuss it, if it's all the same with you. 

DAPHNE 

Why not? 

FRASIER 

Because it's embarrassing. 

DAPHNE 

Well you either tell us both now, or I'll get it out of him later in rather unusual and enjoyable ways and have a good laugh at it behind your back. 

FRASIER 

Oh all right fine. Amanda's mental state wasn't exactly stable. In fact it's safe to say she's one step away from wearing an aluminium foil hat so that the aliens won't steal her brain waves. 

NILES 

And you didn't pick this up before? 

FRASIER 

I thought she was trying to keep the rain off her head. Anyway... 

MARTIN ENTERS AND SITS NEXT TO FRASIER 

MARTIN 

Hi guys. 

FRASIER 

Never mind I'll tell you later. 

MARTIN 

Don't stop on my account. 

FRASIER 

But it's a little embarrassing. 

MARTIN 

You either tell me now or I'll get it out of Daphne later. 

FRASIER 

Do you three tell each other everything? 

NILES 

Only if it's something really embarrassing about you. 

FRASIER 

OK fine. Well dinner went fine apart from she kept stabbing her hand with her fork and throwing water over an elderly couple at the next table because they kept staring at her. But when we got back to her place she really lost it. All of a sudden she started screaming locked herself in a cupboard trapping my tie and part of my jacket in the door and singing selected Dean Martin tunes all night. Needless to say if I ever hear "That's Amore" again I may need sedating. 

MARTIN 

Where did you find this woman? On top of the Space Needle trying to build a nest? 

FRASIER 

Here we shared a table. 

NILES 

Unless you were wearing your foil hat that wasn't the only thing you shared. 

DAPHNE 

Have you decided what you're first column is going to be about Mr. Crane? 

MARTIN 

I haven't got a clue. 

FRASIER 

It's sounds interesting then. 

NILES 

It should help my insomniacs. 

MARTIN 

Frasier shows helps with that. 

NILES 

I know but I just want to help them sleep not comatose them. 

MARTIN 

Anyway I've been told just to write about my everyday life, things that interest and concern me just like my letters. 

FRASIER 

Then it'll be joyous to read at the breakfast table your theories on why beer nuts seem to have decreased in size over the last ten years instead of hearing it. 

ROZ ENTERS

ROZ 

Oh good you're still here. Well they've picked me, so apart from faking my own death, how can I get out of it? 

MARTIN 

Just quit, listening to Frasier prattle on day after day can't be good for your health anyway. 

FRASIER 

She's been called up for jury duty, but thanks anyway for that shot of confidence. 

DAPHNE 

My mother always thought I'd end up in a courtroom. 

NILES 

What as a lawyer? 

DAPHNE 

No in the dock. When I was six me teacher asked me at school what I wanted to be when I grew up and I said mass murderer. That's one ambition I never have lived up to. 

NILES GLANCES WORRIEDLY AROUND THE TABLE 

FRASIER 

Sleep well Niles. 

DAPHNE 

It's quite worrying when you think about it especially when you consider what that psychic told me as well. I guess that means you'll have to start locking the kitchen knifes away. 

NILES 

It won't come to that. 

FRASIER 

Yes we'll have you committed a long time before it comes to that. 

ROZ 

So how do I get out of it? 

MARTIN 

These things are really interesting Roz, you might enjoy it and look at all the time you get off work. 

ROZ 

Maybe I could just throw myself at the judge that might get me out of it. 

NILES 

You've done it before to avoid that fine. 

ROZ 

I did not throw myself at the judge. 

FRASIER 

You're right, you didn't. Your underwear just happened to catapult itself across the room and land on the judge's lap. 

ROZ 

You make it sound like a freak occurrence. 

AS ROZ GETS HERSELF A COFFEE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — MORNING — DAY/3   
(Niles, Martin, Frasier, Daphne, Roz) 

NILES HAS SOME DARK MIXTURE WHIZZING AROUND THE BLENDER AS FRASIER LEANS UP THE COUNTER DRINKING HIS COFFEE 

NILES 

Frasier I've had a little trouble recently... 

ENTER MARTIN WHO PICKS UP A CUP OF COFFEE 

MARTIN 

Oh don't mind me. 

NILES 

And then the narcoleptic said so that's how the pretzel ended up in my ear. 

MARTIN ROLLS HIS EYES AND EXITS

FRASIER 

What are you talking about? 

NILES 

I don't want Dad to hear. 

FRASIER 

Hear what? 

NILES 

I've been having a little problem, you know south of the border. 

FRASIER 

Excuse me? 

NILES 

Frasier please don't make me spell it out to you. 

FRASIER 

So how long? 

NILES 

Frasier I don't think that's any of your business. 

FRASIER 

How long has it been going on? 

NILES 

A couple of days. 

FRASIER 

Then what's the big deal? That happened all the time when I was married to Lilith. 

NILES 

Yeah but that was Lilith. I'm surprised you didn't suffer frostbite. 

FRASIER 

Oh yes because Maris and Mel were the warmest women in the world. Just don't think about it, that'll add extra pressure. What is that? 

NILES POURS THE CONTENTS ON THE BLENDER INTO A GLASS 

NILES 

A protein energy shake. With the amount of these I've been drinking recently I'll be able to run a three minute mile while carrying a cow on my shoulder and milking it. 

DAPHNE ENTERS

FRASIER 

And that's a lovely image to start the day with. 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER EXITS TO ANSWER THE DOOR 

DAPHNE 

What's your shake taste like? 

NILES 

Like I'm drinking the liquid that accumulates at the bottom of the garbage disposal. 

DAPHNE 

Don't ever think about leaving psychiatry and getting a job in marketing. 

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT INTO THE LIVING ROOM 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

AS NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS

ROZ 

So how do I look? Respectable? 

FRASIER 

You look great Roz. Although you only need to dress up when you're actually pleading not guilty, not to sit on the jury. 

ROZ 

I want to look nice. 

NILES 

You have to look at this from Roz's point of view, all those butch men, in matching uniforms, wearing handcuffs; she's looking for a husband. 

ROZ 

I sure hope everyone in that courtroom will be able to rise when asked without a protein shake. 

NILES GLARES AT DAPHNE 

DAPHNE 

What are you looking at me like that for? We're women, we tell each other everything. 

ROZ 

Well I've got to go. Here's your paper. 

ROZ HANDS FRASIER THE PAPER AND HER IMMEDIATELY OPENS IT 

FRASIER 

Oh let's look for Dad's column. 

ROZ 

What did he write about in the end anyway? 

NILES 

He never told us. 

FRASIER 

Oh here it is. (FRASIER READS IT) I'm going to kill him. (SHOUTS) Dad! Get out here! 

DAPHNE 

What is it? 

NILES TAKES THE PAPER FROM FRASIER 

NILES 

"Dean Martin Dates From Hell" by Martin Crane. 'Is it any wonder in modern times that the young people of today are constantly seeking therapy from high paid jokers,' thanks Dad, 'and killing themselves when they suffer the trauma of trying to find a loved one to spend the rest of their lives with. Take for example my son Frasier and the woman he went out with last week.' I won't read you the story because I know you both know it. 

ROZ 

Oh my God. 

DAPHNE 

This whole article is about your date? 

FRASIER 

No about numerous disastrous dates. Dad get out here! 

MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM 

MARTIN 

What is it? Oh the paper. Did you read my column? 

FRASIER 

Give me your cane. Now I'll let you guess where about your person I am going to insert it. 

AS FRASIER CONTINUES TO RANK AND RAVE WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

EXT. OUTSIDE CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/4   
(Frasier, Niles, Man, Waitress, Roz) 

NILES GOES TO EXIT INSIDE NERVOSA AS FRASIER SKULKS AROUND THE CORNER TRYING TO HIDE HIS FACE 

FRASIER 

I'm not sure I can do this. 

NILES 

Frasier you go in here everyday, these people know you. 

FRASIER 

Exactly, that means they'll be able to make more fun of me then strangers do. 

NILES 

No one has been making fun of you. 

FRASIER 

There were school children pointing at me and laughing. How children of that age have even heard of Dean Martin let alone know the words to his songs is beyond me. 

NILES 

That's because they were playing an alternate version of "That's Amore" on the breakfast show this morning. 

FRASIER 

An alternate version? 

NILES 

Yeah something along the lines of 'When the moon hits the sky, like a big alien eye, that's a Martian, that's a Martian. When the... 

FRASIER 

All right that's enough. 

NILES 

But I haven't reached my favourite part yet. Never mind I'll just listen to it again when I get back in my car. Now come on inside. 

FRASIER 

No. 

NILES 

Fine but I'm going in. If I were you I'd do the same as it looks as if it's about to rain and you haven't brought your foil hat to keep the rain off your head. 

FRASIER 

Oh all right fine. 

NILES 

Good, "Because baby it's cold outside." 

FRASIER 

Will you stop that! 

FRASIER AND NILES EXIT INSIDE 

RESET TO: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND NILES ENTER AND WALK TO THE COUNTER TO BE SERVED. A MAN STANDS UP TO SPEAK TO FRASIER AS HE WALKS PAST 

MAN 

Hey doc that's a great tie. 

FRASIER 

Why thank you very much. 

MAN 

What's it made from? Saturn? I mean satin? 

A WAITRESS APPROACHES THEM 

FRASIER 

How very funny. Can I have an expresso with the Kenya blend please? 

WAITRESS 

We're out of the Kenya blend, I'm sorry. 

FRASIER 

Oh what a shame. 

WAITRESS 

Yes I know, "Ain't that a kick in the head"? I'll just get you a substitute. 

FRASIER AND NILES SIT DOWN 

FRASIER 

How are things on the Daphne front? 

NILES 

Back to normal, my crisis is over. 

FRASIER 

I hardly call twice a crisis. 

NILES 

But I have seven years to catch up on. That's seven years worth of sex. 

FRASIER 

Yes but you do understand that you wouldn't have spent the seven years doing that and only that don't you? 

NILES 

Yes but don't tell her that. 

ROZ ENTERS AND SITS DOWN 

ROZ 

Hi guys. How did the show go today? Did you miss me? 

FRASIER 

Hi Roz, it went fine. How about the case? 

ROZ 

Oh you would not believe the case I'm sitting in on, it's the... 

NILES 

Wait a minute Roz, I didn't think you were allowed to discuss the case. 

ROZ 

But this is gossip, gossip can't be illegal. 

FRASIER 

I'm not sure how well that argument will stand up in court. 

ROZ 

I'm on the Brad Frijol case. 

FRASIER 

Wait a second isn't he the guy who murdered his girlfriend? 

ROZ 

I think the word you're searching for there is allegedly. Allegedly. Have you seen what he looks like? 

NILES 

I don't believe so. 

ROZ 

Oh my God, I could not believe my eyes when they brought him out. He was so pretty I almost had a stroke. 

FRASIER 

Of what? 

NILES 

I think they generally frown upon molesting the accused. 

ROZ 

Well thanks for pointing that out or I'd never have known. 

FRASIER 

Surely you can't be attracted to this man he murdered his girlfriend. 

ROZ 

Allegedly murdered his girlfriend. Allegedly. I know it's only been a day but quite frankly I don't think he did it. 

NILES 

What? 

ROZ 

It was an accident. 

FRASIER 

He decapitated his girlfriend with a chainsaw. 

ROZ 

Well those things have a habit of getting away from you if you have a lapse in concentration. 

NILES 

Which is exactly why Daphne won't let me keep mine in her bedroom. I'm always loosing control of it and maiming her unicorns. 

ROZ 

But he's so pretty. He can't have done it. 

NILES 

You can't give him not guilty just because he's good looking. 

ROZ 

Why not? 

FRASIER 

Roz you amaze me. 

ROZ 

I'm sorry Frasier what did you say? I couldn't hear over the noise of the mother ship hovering overhead. 

NILES 

Oh leave her alone Frasier. Roz is just looking for love, albeit in the wrong places, but still. After all "You're nobody until somebody loves you". 

FRASIER 

Will you stop that! It won't be long until you appear in Dad's column. 

NILES 

Oh come on, he'd never do that. 

CUT TO: 

(F) 

CUT TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/5   
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier Martin, Roz) 

DAPHNE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND NILES ENTERS LOOKING EXTREMELY ANGRY HOLDING A NEWSPAPER 

NILES 

(SHOUTS) Dad! Dad! Get in here! 

FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN 

DAPHNE 

What's the matter? My God look at how tense your eyebrows are. 

NILES 

Have you read Dad's column? 

DAPHNE 

No the paper hasn't come yet. Why what's it about? 

NILES 

Me. 

A HUGE SMILE CREEPS ACROSS FRASIER'S FACE 

FRASIER 

Oh how the tides have turned. 

NILES 

This isn't funny. 

DAPHNE TAKES THE PAPER AND OPENS IT 

DAPHNE 

What's he written about you? Oh no! 

FRASIER LEANS OVER DAPHNE'S SHOULDER TO READ THE PAPER 

FRASIER 

I have to say Niles I'm jealous. I only had a column written about me, not a column, a medical special and help lines about male impotence. 

NILES 

Stop it! 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry Niles I was only trying to get a rise out of you. 

NILES 

Stop it! How did he even find out about this? 

DAPHNE 

I may have accidentally told him. 

NILES 

Why? 

DAPHNE 

He nearly drank one of your shakes. 

NILES 

And it had impotence combater on the side? 

DAPHNE 

No I told him it was for you and he was worried that you were ill, so I told him the truth. Are you mad at me? 

NILES 

No I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at Dad. 

MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM 

MARTIN 

Why is it every Monday morning recently I've been woken up by one of you boys screaming? 

FRASIER 

Oh I wonder why. 

NILES 

What took you so long? 

MARTIN 

I had to find my pants. Eddie had dragged them under my bed and made himself a pillow from them again. 

NILES 

How could you? 

MARTIN 

It wasn't as hard as you'd think. I just had to get on the floor and hook them out with the end of my cane. 

NILES 

That's not what I meant. 

DAPHNE 

(TO FRASIER) Do you think we should leave? 

FRASIER 

(TO DAPHNE) No he made fun of me I want to make fun of him. 

DAPHNE 

(TO FRASIER) Can't you just feed his homework to the dog? 

MARTIN 

What are you so angry about? 

NILES 

Your column. 

MARTIN 

Oh you read it? What did you think? 

NILES 

I think I'm about to make you swallow it. 

MARTIN 

Why? What's wrong? 

NILES 

You have just broadcast to the whole of Seattle that I am suffering from impotence problems. Which I am not. 

DAPHNE 

Well not anymore anyway. 

MARTIN 

What's your problem, that's going to help a lot of people. 

FRASIER 

That's right, no one laughs anymore. 

NILES 

(TO FRASIER) Listen Dean Martin you have no right to mock me. 

MARTIN 

I don't understand what you're getting so steamed about. 

NILES 

You've humiliated me. Didn't it ever occur to you that I didn't want this broadcast around? 

SFX: DOORBELL

MARTIN 

Actually no it didn't. 

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS IN A LOW CUT DRESS 

ROZ 

What do you think about my outfit? 

FRASIER 

It does have a certain back alley, moneymaking quality to it. 

ROZ 

Are you saying I look slutty? 

FRASIER 

Possibly. 

ROZ 

Great that's what I was going for. 

ROZ EXITS SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HER BEFORE FRASIER POINTS AFTER HER 

FRASIER 

The American legal system ladies and gentlemen. 

AS NILES BEGINS TO CONFRONT MARTIN AGAIN WE: 

FADE OUT 

(G) 

TITLE CARD: "IT WOULD TO EASIER TO INSTALL HIM WITH A MUTE BUTTON" 

FADE IN: 

INT. KACL CORRIDOR — AFTERNOON — DAY/5   
(Kenny, Frasier, Keith, Danny (VO), Alice (VO)) 

FRASIER WALKS DOWN THE CORRIDOR TOWARDS HIS BOOTH TRYING NOT TO MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH ANYONE ELSE AS KENNY ENTERS FROM AROUND THE CORNER 

KENNY 

Hi doc. 

FRASIER 

Kenny. 

KENNY 

Hey I read an article about you the other day. 

FRASIER 

Really Kenny I thought you were above this. Yes my father has a column in the Seattle Times and has unfortunately printed things that I wish he hadn't, but do you really need to make my humiliation worse? So I have a poor dating record, so what? Just because she wears a tin hat and locks herself in a cupboard doesn't mean that I do. And so what my brother has had a small temporary impotence problem. It's probably stress. What man doesn't suffer that fate? I've lost count of the amount of times it's happened to me. Can't we just be grown up about this and forget about it? 

KENNY 

What? 

FRASIER 

What do you mean what? 

KENNY 

I read a story about your old prep school. I didn't even know your Dad had a column. 

FRASIER 

Well then just disregard what I said. 

KENNY 

You've really lost count? 

FRASIER 

I wasn't counting to begin with. 

KENNY 

I'm not surprised if your girlfriends wear tin hats. They aren't the biggest turn on. 

FRASIER 

Well you see...(SHOUTS) leave me alone. 

FRASIER EXITS INTO HIS BOOTH 

RESET TO: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER ENTERS HIS BOOTH AND PUTS HIS BRIEF CASE DOWN AS KEITH, HIS TEMPORALLY PRODUCER, SITS BEHIND THE GLASS. KEITH SMILES SMUGLY AT FRASIER 

KEITH 

Hi Dr. Crane. 

FRASIER 

Don't look at me like that. You're a substitute producer. (FRASIER GOES ON AIR) Hello Seattle this is Dr. Frasier Crane and I'll be with you for the next three hours so please call in. Now without further ado let's get straight to the phones. Keith who do we have on line one? 

KEITH 

We have Danny from Tacoma. 

FRASIER 

Hello Danny, I'm listening. 

DANNY (VO) 

Hi Dr. Crane. I have more of a question for you then a problem. 

FRASIER 

I'm always happy to help. 

DANNY (VO) 

Can you actually tell me what the aluminium hat looked like, I want to try to make one for myself. 

FRASIER CUTS OFF DANNY AND HANGS UP 

FRASIER 

Thank you for your call Danny. Whom do we have next? 

KEITH 

Alice on line two. 

FRASIER 

Hello Alice, I'm listening. 

ALICE (VO) 

Hello Dr. Crane. So do you believe in the aliens as well or is it just your girlfriend? Because if you're one sandwich short of a full picnic I don't think you should be in charge of others people's mental health. 

FRASIER SLUMPS OVER IN HIS SEAT AS WE: 

DISSOLVE TO: 

(H) 

DISSOLVE TO: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/5   
(Frasier, Judith (VO), Niles, Keith) 

FRASIER SITS WITH HIS TIE LOOSENED, SLUMPED EVEN FURTHER OVER HIS CONTROL PANEL, WITH KEITH STILL LOOKING SMUG BEHIND THE GLASS 

FRASIER 

I'm sure my brother would appreciate your comments Judith but I'm not sure he'd be able to purchase a ferret liver to make the health shake. 

JUDITH (VO) 

No problem just give me his number and I'll sort him out. I breed them. 

FRASIER 

If it's all the same with you Judith I think we'll both pass. 

JUDITH (VO) 

Suit yourself. 

FRASIER HANGS UP 

FRASIER 

Seattle we'll be right back after this commercial break. 

FRASIER GOES OFF AIR AS NILES ENTERS INTO THE BOOTH 

NILES 

I am going to kill him for this. 

FRASIER 

That makes two of us. Why weren't you at Nervosa? 

NILES 

Because I'm sick of being laughed at. This isn't helping my problem. 

FRASIER 

Judith has a well to help. 

NILES 

With all due respect I think Judith needs one of your aluminium hats. 

FRASIER 

How about we have a few glasses of scotch tonight? 

NILES 

That's fine apart from the glasses part. 

FRASIER 

Bottles? 

NILES 

Now you're talking my language. 

FRASIER 

Which is surprising since most of my callers think I speak Lipzing apart from the smattering of English I've learnt from Dean Martin. 

AS NILES EXITS AND FRASIER GOES BACK ON AIR WE: 

FADE OUT 

(I) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/5   
(Martin, Frasier, Daphne, Roz, Reporter) 

FRASIER IS MAKING A CUP OF COFFEE AS MARTIN ENTERS AND LOOKS AROUND RATHER SHEEPISHLY BEFORE HE SPEAKS 

MARTIN 

What are you doing? 

FRASIER 

Plotting your death. I'm making a cup of coffee, would you like one? 

MARTIN 

As long as there isn't any arsenic in it. 

FRASIER 

And where would I get arsenic from? 

MARTIN 

Well I think Daphne uses it in most of her cooking. 

FRASIER 

That's one advantage of her marrying Niles and moving out. 

MARTIN 

Except we'll still have to digest thanksgiving dinner. 

FRASIER 

I think Niles will already be dead by that point. 

MARTIN 

I heard your show today. 

FRASIER 

I bet that made you proud. 

MARTIN 

Frasier I'm really sorry. I just didn't think. I was trying to help other people. I didn't mean to hurt you boys in the process. 

FRASIER 

I know you didn't. 

MARTIN 

I'm going to stop doing the column. 

FRASIER 

There's no need to do that. 

MARTIN 

If I could have thought of something to write I wouldn't have humiliated you boys. So it's for the best. 

FRASIER 

Believe it or not Dad but I'm sure that they did help some people out there. And for that I'm proud of you, but still a little angry. 

MARTIN 

Thanks son. 

FRASIER 

But I really think its Niles you should be apologising to. 

MARTIN 

I know, I will as soon as he gets here. 

DAPHNE 

(OFF STAGE) Dr. Crane! Dr. Crane come and see this. 

FRASIER AND MARTIN EXIT INTO THE LIVING ROOM 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE SITS ON THE COUCH LOOKING ABSOLUTELY GOB SMACKED AT THE TELEVISION AS FRASIER AND MARTIN ENTER

FRASIER 

What is it? 

DAPHNE 

Roz is on the TV. 

MARTIN 

So she is. 

ROZ 

(ON TV) Let me go, he's so pretty. Have my children. 

REPORTER 

(ON TV) The trial was just about to restart after a long recess when the court stenographer got his finger caught, when the incident happened. A crazed woman from the jury suddenly leapt out of her seat and started barrowing down on the defendant Mr. Frijol and clung to him like saran rap. The woman was eventually sedated after two uncertain hours and was dragged away. At the moment what actually caused this attack is uncertain but it's just the latest twist in an already eventful murder trial. 

FRASIER 

Is there any chance that wasn't Roz? 

MARTIN 

There's every chance. 

SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING

DAPHNE PICKS UP THE PHONE 

DAPHNE 

Hello? It's Roz. 

DAPHNE HANDS FRASIER THE PHONE 

FRASIER 

Hello? Hold on. I'll be right there to bail you out. 

AS FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE AND GOES TO EXIT WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER OPENS THE FRIDGE AND PEERS INSIDE. AFTER A MOMENT HE PULLS OUT A SWAN MADE FROM ALUMINIUM FOIL CONTAINING LEFT OVERS. HE PUTS IT DOWN ON THE COUNTER AND STARES AT IT FOR A MOMENT. HE THEN PICKS IT UP AND TRIES TO PUT IT ON HIS HEAD AS MARTIN ENTERS AND LAUGHS AT HIM CAUSING HIM TO DROP IT ON THE FLOOR   
  
  



	7. Episode Seven

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_If this doesn't make much sense it's because I've had no sleep. A big thank you to everyone who sent me feedback for the last one (both of you). On offer this week, Niles' flour sack complete with bottle and crib for sending feedback to Kelly_simba@hotmail.com _

_In loving memory of George Rawlins; he was a miserable sod until the end, but that's only one of the many reasons that we loved him so much. _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Nine Episode Seven   
One For My Winnebago (And One More For The Road) 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: "THE PLAN" 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Niles) 

FRASIER AND NILES SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED NERVOSA DRINKING THEIR COFFEE. FRASIER LOOKS EXTREMELY MISERABLE 

FRASIER 

It's a tough life being a celebrity. The none stop pressure of being in the public eye; it's a wonder it hasn't caused my head to explode. 

NILES 

And in whose autobiography did you read that? Which world-renowned superstar? 

FRASIER 

My own. 

NILES 

Oh yes I forgot about that pamphlet you were trying to write about your life. Are you still planning to omit Diane and Lilith from it completely? How are you intending to explain about Frederick? Science hasn't moved along that far for you to have had him on your own you know. And I don't think many people will believe you found him in a cabbage patch. Well except for people who actually live in cabbage patches, have a pumpkin as a pet and talk to their hands. Oh stop pulling that sulking adolescent face, I'll bite, why is it tough being a celebrity? 

FRASIER 

I have every wacko in Seattle call in to my show asking why their schizophrenic cross dressing children keep skinning squirrels and making Christmas decorations from them and then unlike someone in private practice I can't complain about them behind their back without being caught and having some extremely viscous backlash. 

NILES 

You forgot to check you were off air again didn't you? 

FRASIER PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS 

FRASIER 

Yes, the station has received a record number of complaints, someone broke into the station and urinated in the coffee machine and I had a squirrel in my tail pipe this morning. 

NILES 

Coffee with you Frasier is always a joy. 

FRASIER 

How I envy you in private practice. You don't have any of these trials and tribulations to contend with. 

NILES 

It's not all fun and games Frasier. At least you have the safety of being on the other end of the phone. I have them three feet away sweating all over my new couch. A fist fight broke out in my waiting room yesterday because one of my narcoleptics was taunting members of my insomnia test group. 

FRASIER 

What happened? 

NILES 

It started with a friendly joke, until the narcoleptic fell asleep. The insomniacs thought he was making fun of them to which they tried to stuff his pants into my paper shredder with him still wearing them. It was a nightmare. I've used nearly all my supply of sedatives, mostly on Mrs. Woodson to stop her from shrieking and trying to climb into the filing cabinet. 

FRASIER 

I dream about fist fights and shrieking. I had a dead squirrel. It's tail fell off when I moved it. Now Eddie carries it around the apartment as one of his new chew toys. And I can't very well sell a squirrel to a passing carnival without a tail attached. They do have certain standards you know. 

NILES 

Well Christmas is just around the corner. You could use it instead of an angel on the top of the tree. I'm sure you'd be able to buy a tiny pair of wings and a magic wand from somewhere. 

FRASIER 

As if Dad's decorations weren't grotesque enough without festooning my tree with animal carcases. What sort of test group were you doing? 

NILES 

Just a little research. I'm trying to see if different voices and soothing tones have any effect on their insomnia so I play different radio shows and music. They seemed to grow quite agitated when I played "In The Wee Small Hours Of The Morning" and "Dream." 

FRASIER 

I wonder why? Have you tried my show yet? 

NILES 

No, I have to wait for a Priest to attend to read the last rights in case your show has a fatal effect on them. But as you know this extra work means I can't see Daphne as often as I'd like to recently. Every time I've seen her over the last month or so, they've been more like fly-by visits. It would be nice to be with her long enough to actually see her in focus. I'm beginning to think she looks like a Picasso. 

FRASIER 

I think we could both do with some time off work. At least until the hate mail stops or at any rate the squirrels. 

NILES 

That's not a bad idea actually Frasier. Perhaps we could all take a trip together after my group ends. 

FRASIER 

I don't want to be a third wheel to you two. 

NILES 

Then bring Dad along. 

FRASIER 

As in my date? 

NILES 

As in company and if he's with us he won't be eating pork rinds in his underwear in your Jacuzzi tub with Eddie. 

FRASIER 

You have a way that cuts right through the bull. I might take you up on that idea Niles. A week on a beach. 

NILES 

In the sun. 

AS THEY SMILE AND CLINK THEIR COFFEE CUPS TOGETHER WE: 

CUT TO: 

(B) 

CUT TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY PARKING LOT — MORNING — DAY/2   
(Niles, Frasier, Daphne, Roz, Martin, Eddie) 

FRASIER AND NILES STAND OUTSIDE THE WINNEBAGO WITH A LARGE PILE OF BAGS AND BOXES, PUTTING THEM ONBOARD 

NILES 

How exactly were we talked into this again? I had envisioned first class, slumber masks and champagne followed by a week in the sun not squeezed into a Winnebago to see Lake Powell. 

FRASIER 

Dad bribed me with the "I don't know how many trips I've got left in me" speech. By the end I was sobbing uncontrollably and fetching his multiple beers. 

NILES 

Ah the guilt trip. You've had two vacations for the price of one. What have you done to be so lucky? 

FRASIER 

I don't exactly know how you were talked into it. 

DAPHNE ENTERS OFF THE WINNEBAGO AND PICKS UP ANOTHER BAG 

DAPHNE 

I bribed him with sex. 

NILES 

Oh yes that was it. I knew I was grinning for some reason. 

DAPHNE 

It wasn't exactly hard. 

ROZ ENTERS FROM OFF THE WINNEBAGO 

ROZ 

Then why am I going? 

FRASIER 

I have no idea. 

FRASIER EXITS INSIDE THE WINNEBAGO WITH A BAG 

DAPHNE 

But I'd suggest you seek therapy over it. 

ROZ 

What about you? You chose a box on wheels over a beach and muscular lifeguards in tight shorts. 

DAPHNE 

I was blackmailed into it. 

ROZ 

By who? 

MARTIN ENTERS OFF THE WINNEBAGO 

MARTIN 

That would be me. I'm not just a pretty face, there's a mastermind at work behind it. 

NILES 

Dad I'm appalled you would do that. Daphne is your future daughter-in-law. Daphne why did you accept it? You know I have dirt on Dad. I'm sure he wouldn't want Frasier to know what that stain on his dressing gown is. 

DAPHNE 

Because I broke one of your brother's statues. 

FRASIER ENTERS FROM OFF THE WINNEBAGO WITH HIS MOUTH WIDE OPEN 

NILES 

I stand corrected, Daphne you made the right decision. I bent a spoon once and he'll carry that grudge to the grave. 

FRASIER 

What? 

ROZ 

This trip is going to be fun. Lot's of family revelations. 

ROZ EXITS ONTO THE WINNEBAGO 

DAPHNE 

Oh it's been broken for a month and you haven't noticed. 

FRASIER 

Which one? 

DAPHNE 

It doesn't matter I've repaired it. 

FRASIER 

How? 

DAPHNE 

Chewing gum. He now has a rather fetching nose job. I've really missed my calling as a plastic surgeon. 

MARTIN 

It's just a shame it wasn't actually his nose that broke. 

FRASIER 

What does that mean? 

MARTIN 

He's now lacking in one area and looks like Barry Manilow in the other. 

FRASIER 

Oh my God. 

DAPHNE 

Oh calm down it's been done a month and you haven't noticed. 

NILES PICKS UP A BOX OFF THE FLOOR WITH A SLIGHT STRUGGLE 

NILES 

Dad what is in this box? 

ROZ ENTERS FROM OFF THE WINNEBAGO 

MARTIN 

Beer. 

NILES 

You do understand that we use gas to fill up the tank and not beer don't you? 

MARTIN 

Not my tank, I need beer to get started. 

ROZ PICKS UP ANOTHER BOX OFF THE FLOOR 

ROZ 

Then what's in this box? 

THE BOX SUDDENLY STARTS TO SHAKE VIOLENTLY 

DAPHNE 

What on earth is that? 

FRASIER 

We'd best just leave it here. 

FRASIER TAKES THE BOX OFF ROZ AND PUTS ITS BACK ON THE FLOOR. AS SOON AS HE PUTS IT DOWN EDDIE POKES HIS HEAD OUT OF THE TOP OF IT 

MARTIN 

Eddie? Frasier did you put Eddie in a box? 

MARTIN PICKS EDDIE UP AND PUTS HIM UNDER HIS ARM 

FRASIER 

Why would I do something like that? 

MARTIN EXITS WITH EDDIE ONTO THE WINNEBAGO AFTER GLARING AT FRASIER 

NILES 

I love family vacations. Enough beer to drown an elephant, broken statues and a dog in a box. 

ROZ 

Didn't this happen in "Leave it to Beaver"? 

AS FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE AND ROZ EXIT ONBOARD WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

TITLE CARD: "ROAD TRIP" 

FADE IN: 

INT. WINNEBAGO — EARLY EVENING — DAY/2   
(Niles, Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Roz, Eddie) 

MARTIN DRIVES WITH FRASIER IN THE FRONT SEAT NEXT TO HIM IN WHAT LOOKS LIKE THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE. NILES, DAPHNE AND ROZ ALL SIT ON THE BED JUST BEHIND THE FRONT SEATS 

NILES 

Where exactly are we all going to sleep tonight? 

FRASIER 

I guess we just try to find a half decent non-Bates Motel type, hotel with a minimum amount of mould growing on the pillows to inhale all night. I remember a lodge we stopped at when we were kids, there was a vegetable garden growing on the comforter on my bed. 

MARTIN 

We've got a hotel on wheels we don't need a hotel. 

NILES 

You're not suggesting that we just park on the side of the road for the night are you? 

DAPHNE 

That's how horror movies usually start. We'll have our fingers removed and used as doorstops. 

MARTIN 

There are loads of trailer parks marked on the map we can just pull into one of those. 

NILES 

Can't we just park on the side of the road? 

ROZ 

We don't really need fingers. 

FRASIER 

You expect five people and a dog to sleep in this box? 

MARTIN 

It's not as if there are cockroaches running around the floor and someone's smouldering flesh still stuck to the mattresses. 

ROZ 

That sounds like a summer camp I stopped at when I was twelve. 

DAPHNE 

Well we better find something fast because it's starting to get dark out there and the wolves will be forming into packs soon. 

FRASIER 

OK so after we park in some hell hole with a big headed banjo boy, wearing a road kill hat trying to break into the toilet tank to take a bath, where exactly do we all sleep? 

MARTIN 

How about I stuff you in the oven? Or there's always the roof rack. I've got some rope somewhere, so you won't fall off. 

NILES 

There are only three beds. 

DAPHNE 

And five of us. 

MARTIN 

Six. Don't forget Eddie. 

ROZ 

You should have kept the box Eddie was stuffed in, and then we'd have another bed. 

MARTIN 

It's not a problem, we can all just double up. Niles and Daphne can have the one bed, you and Roz can have another and I'll share with Eddie. 

ROZ 

That's not fair. 

NILES 

Why should you have a bed on your own? 

MARTIN 

I won't be alone. I'll have Eddie. 

ROZ 

You're comparing a tiny dog to Frasier? If he rolls on me I'll break every bone in my body. 

FRASIER 

Oh only if I don't choke on your hair first. 

MARTIN 

When Eddie has a nightmare he can really kick out. And his claws are sharp. I looked as if I'd been mauled by a lion the other morning. 

FRASIER 

Then let me give him a manicure and I'll sleep with him. 

DAPHNE'S MOUTH SUDDENLY DROPS OPEN AND SHE GLARES AT NILES 

DAPHNE 

Wait a second what do you mean why should he have a bed on his own? You have some objection to sharing with me? 

NILES 

No, no, no you misunderstand me. 

DAPHNE 

Oh do I really? Then what did you mean? 

NILES PAUSES TO THINK FOR A RESPONSE 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Times up. Too late. No sex for you on this trip. 

DAPHNE TURNS AWAY FROM NILES 

ROZ 

I'm glad to hear that since we're sharing a box. 

MARTIN 

My God, stop being just a bunch of babies. We're only going to be on the road a few days and then we're stopping in a hotel when we reach the lake. 

FRASIER 

OK I have one more point. Why do I have to share when I spent the night on the couch at Niles' lakefront cottage last year? 

NILES 

I think you'll find Daphne slept on the couch and I slept on the floor after you refused to. 

DAPHNE 

An arrangement that we'll be repeating tonight. 

ROZ 

And Frasier will be joining him on the floor. 

FRASIER 

Why? 

ROZ 

Well since you're so appalled at the idea of sharing with me, you can either sleep on the floor or in the toilet. 

DAPHNE 

Forget that, let them sleep together we can bunk together. 

MARTIN 

I think that's called incest. 

FRASIER 

Coming from a man who sleeps with a dog. 

MARTIN 

But we're not related to one another. 

NILES 

(CREEPING) Daphne. 

DAPHNE STILL TURNS AWAY REFUSING TO LOOK AT HIM 

DAPHNE 

No I'm not interested. Especially when you pull that lost puppy dog expression of yours. 

NILES 

I have a lost puppy dog expression? 

DAPHNE 

Yes but it's not going to work. 

FRASIER 

I don't want to share with Niles. I did that too often as a child to know the dangers. 

NILES 

You'll be pleased to know that since then I've developed excellent bladder control. 

ROZ 

Thank God. 

FRASIER 

Anyway that's not what I'm worried about. 

NILES 

For God's sake I only sucked your thumb once. 

FRASIER 

Once is one time too many. 

DAPHNE 

He still does it now. 

NILES 

I don't. 

DAPHNE 

So I wedge my thumb in your mouth and make you suck it? 

NILES 

You make it sound like you've never done it before. 

DAPHNE 

Surprisingly I never have. 

NILES 

I had a nightmare. 

FRASIER 

So did I, I had a nightmare that you were sucking my thumb. Oh that's right you were. 

NILES 

It was like that Sorcerer's Apprentice part from Fantasia. Except it wasn't a broom coming after me it was Mel and Maris. No matter how many times I chopped them with the axe they just kept multiplying. In the end all the little Mel's held me down while the little Maris' pelted me with Slim Fast shakes. 

A BEAT WHILE EVERYONE STARES AT NILES 

FRASIER 

Dad can I ask one more question, out of everywhere that we can reach in this tank, why Lake Powell? 

MARTIN 

A houseboat. 

NILES 

Excuse me? 

ROZ 

You said hotel. 

MARTIN 

We get the houseboat from the hotel. 

FRASIER 

You are never to book another trip for us ever again. 

MARTIN 

Oh what's your problem it'll be fun. 

NILES 

Except we'll be sleeping in a dingy at the mercy of the wind. 

MARTIN 

It doesn't lead out into the ocean so what's the problem? 

NILES 

What if we capsize in the night? 

MARTIN 

You'll get wet. 

FRASIER 

Thank you so much, that's so comforting. 

DAPHNE 

I'm regretting not saying beach already. 

SFX: CLUNKING NOISE FROM THE ENGINE

SUDDENLY THE WINNEBAGO SEEMS TO HIT SOMETHING AND JERKS AS MARTIN STRUGGLES TO MAINTAIN CONTROL OF IT 

MARTIN 

Uh-oh. 

FRASIER 

Don't worry about it Dad it was probably already dead before you ran over it. 

DAPHNE 

Unless it was a person. 

ROZ 

Then the bump would have been bigger. 

MARTIN 

It's dying. 

NILES 

That's because you ran over it. Make sure you scrape any remains off the tires before Eddie gets out there. 

THE WINNEBAGO STARTS TO SHAKE A LITTLE AS MARTIN GUIDES IT TO THE SIDE OF THE ROAD AND THE ENGINE CUTS OUT 

MARTIN 

I'm talking about the Road Warrior. 

FRASIER 

Is it out of gas? 

MARTIN 

Nope. 

DAPHNE 

If you've run over someone then that's the problem. I bet we're dragging them under the wheels and it's making us slow down. There'll just be a skeleton hanging off the back by now. 

MARTIN 

I didn't hit anyone. There's something wrong with the engine. 

NILES STANDS UP AS FRASIER AND MARTIN UNDO THEIR SEATBELTS 

NILES 

Let's go and take a look. 

ROZ 

And what exactly do you know about the engines of Winnebago's? 

NILES 

That this one isn't working. 

FRASIER 

I don't know what we'd do without your keen sense of observation Niles. 

MARTIN, FRASIER AND NILES ALL EXIT OUT OF THE WINNEBAGO 

RESET TO: 

EXT. SIDE ROAD — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN, FRASIER AND NILES EXIT FROM THE WINNEBAGO. MARTIN OPENS THE HOOD AND THEY ALL STAND AROUND STARING AT IT IN THE DARK 

MARTIN 

Have you got a flashlight back there? 

ROZ AND DAPHNE BOTH LEAN OUT OF THE DOOR TO SEE WHAT'S GOING ON 

NILES 

I've got some matches. 

NILES DIGS AROUND IN HIS POCKET AND PRODUCES A MATCH 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Sorry one match. 

FRASIER 

Why don't we just find a firefly instead? 

DAPHNE 

Just phone for help and get the professionals out here. 

MARTIN 

Frasier give me your phone. 

FRASIER 

I haven't brought it use Niles' instead. 

NILES 

I haven't got mine either. 

ROZ 

Why not? That thing is an extension of your hand, you've always got it on you. 

NILES 

Yes but the only person in the world I want to speak to is here with me but won't speak to me so I had no need to bring it. 

MARTIN 

We'll have to walk to find help then. 

DAPHNE 

You'd better do it quick then before it gets too dark. 

NILES 

(IN DISBELIEF) You want us to walk into the wilderness until we find some help if we're not murdered first? 

MARTIN 

That's right. 

ROZ 

What are you waiting for? 

FRASIER 

We're psychiatrists Dad. 

MARTIN 

Look there has to be a phone somewhere around here. You two hold hands and go that way, I'll go this way and Roz and Daphne you stay here in case anyone stops to help. 

FRASIER 

Oh fine. 

NILES 

But shouldn't we take some sort of weapon? 

MARTIN 

What like a gun? 

NILES 

No I actually meant Roz. 

MARTIN 

What's going to happen, we're in the middle of nowhere. 

NILES 

Exactly, have you never seen Deliverance? 

MARTIN 

Take Eddie then. 

FRASIER 

So he can stare someone to death? If he really had that power I'd have been dead years ago. 

NILES 

Isn't there any other way? 

DAPHNE 

You mean like smoke signals? Just get going you bunch of babies. 

FRASIER AND NILES SIGH BEFORE EXITING PAST THE REAR END OF THE WINNEBAGO AS MARTIN GOES IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION 

ROZ 

We're going to die out here you know that don't you? 

AS DAPHNE NODS IN AGREEMENT BEFORE THEY BOTH EXIT BACK INSIDE WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(D) 

TITLE CARD: "IT'S A STOPPARD PLAY" 

FADE IN: 

EXT. WOODLAND NEXT TO THE ROAD — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Niles, Frasier) 

FRASIER AND NILES MAKE THEIR WAY THROUGH SOME WOODLAND, BOTH BEING VERY CAREFUL WHERE THEY WALK AND DESPERATELY TRYING TO SEE IN THE DARK. FRASIER LEADS THE WAY AS NILES LIMPS SLOWLY BEHIND HIM 

NILES 

Are we still going in the right direction? 

FRASIER 

I'm not sure. As long as we stay adjacent to the road we'll be fine although I recognise that tree. Will you stop limping? 

NILES 

I can't I hurt my foot. 

NILES STOPS TO RUB HIS ANKLE 

FRASIER 

But I think it's making us go around in circles. 

NILES 

We're never going to find anything out here, except a man eating a gopher and maybe a bear trap. 

FRASIER 

If you tread on one, I'm not waiting for you, you'll have to stay here. 

NILES 

Oh that's nice so my only options would be lying here and waiting for some sort of wild animal to munch on my eyes or nor through my leg. 

FRASIER 

We have to use the survival skills we learnt as children. 

NILES 

You mean like hiding our clothes before gym class so no one else could steal them. 

FRASIER 

That's not exactly what I meant. I wish we had a flashlight. 

NILES 

Or eaten more carrots. 

SUDDENLY NILES LOOSES HIS FOOTING AND FALLS DOWN A DITCH OUT OF VIEW. FRASIER IS UNAWARE AND KEEPS WALKING 

FRASIER 

Will you keep up don't make me leave you here. Niles? Niles? 

NILES 

(OFF STAGE) I'm down here. 

FRASIER 

Down where? 

NILES 

(OFF STAGE) In some sort of hole. 

FRASIER 

Is there a bear? 

NILES 

(OFF STAGE) Not unless I'm sitting on it. Although maybe... no it's just a twig. Just follow my voice. 

FRASIER 

I can't find you. How could you have done something as stupid as fall down a hole I'll never know. 

FRASIER WALKS TOWARDS NILES' VOICE UNTIL HE FALLS DOWN INTO THE DITCH 

RESET TO: 

EXT. WOODLAND DITCH — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER FALLS AND SITS ON TOP OF NILES IN WHAT IS QUITE A LARGE HOLE IN THE GROUND. THE WALLS ARE QUITE HIGH MAKING IT LOOK DIFFICULT TO CLIMB OUT OF 

NILES 

How nice to see you Frasier. 

FRASIER 

I can't get up. Will you get off me? 

NILES 

I think you'll find you're the one who's sitting on me. 

FRASIER GETS OFF HIM AND STANDS UP JUST ABLE TO PEER OUT OF THE HOLE 

FRASIER 

How do we get out of here? 

NILES 

Well the elevator seems to be stuck and I don't see any stairs. 

FRASIER 

I didn't realise it was comedy hour. Now drop the sarcasm and think of a way to get out of this mess you've got us into. 

NILES 

I got us into? 

FRASIER 

Who fell down here first? 

NILES 

Who fell down here knowing there was a hole? 

FRASIER 

Who didn't warn me when I was getting close to the edge? 

NILES 

Do we have to answer every question with a question? 

FRASIER 

Who are we Rosencrantz and Guildenstern? 

NILES 

Is that your interpretation? 

FRASIER 

All right stop it. 

NILES 

Statement. 

FRASIER 

I said stop it! 

AS THEY CONTINUE TO BICKER WE: 

FADE OUT 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. GAS STATION — NIGHT — DAY/2   
(Martin, Greg) 

MARTIN ENTERS INTO A GAS STATION THAT HAS A CAR JACKED UP WITH GREG WORKING UNDERNEATH IT 

MARTIN 

Hello? Is anyone here? 

GREG GETS OUT FROM UNDER THE CAR AND STANDS UP 

GREG 

Hello there. Can I help you? 

MARTIN 

Yeah my Winnebago has died on the side of the road a few minutes back that way, I need some help getting it going again. 

GREG 

My crew is out at the moment but as soon as they get back I'll send them to sort you out. 

MARTIN 

Thanks. 

GREG 

It's lucky you broke down so close to town. 

MARTIN 

Is there anything back that way? 

GREG 

Not for miles. Why? 

MARTIN 

Oh no reason. 

GREG 

It may take a while. There's a bar next to the 7/11 across the street. I come over and get you when they come back. 

MARTIN 

Thanks again. 

AS MARTIN EXITS AND GREG GETS BACK TO WORK WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

FADE IN: 

INT. WINNEBAGO — NIGHT — DAY/2   
(Daphne, Roz) 

DAPHNE AND ROZ SIT ON THE BED AT THE BACK OF THE WINNEBAGO DIGGING INTO A MOUNTAIN OF FOOD THAT THEY HAVE SCATTERED AROUND THEM 

DAPHNE 

I don't think we should eat anymore. 

ROZ 

It's comfort food. Comfort food can't be fattening. 

DAPHNE 

That's not what I meant. We're stranded in the middle of nowhere and we've sent a man with a cane in one direction and two narna's in the other direction looking for help. We're going to be here for a long, long, long, long, long, long, long time. 

ROZ 

Alice will be married with kids when we get back. 

DAPHNE 

It's Niles and Dr. Crane remember, I think her kids will have kids. 

ROZ 

So do you think we should ration our food. 

DAPHNE 

Just to be on the safe side. I don't want to have to go outside and scrape up road kill for a stew. 

ROZ 

I'm sure it would make a better sandwich. 

DAPHNE 

Oh I've got a better idea. 

ROZ 

I'm not eating Eddie. 

DAPHNE 

That makes two of us. What are the chances of seeing the boys again? 

ROZ 

About one in a thousand. 

DAPHNE 

I meant seeing them alive. 

ROZ 

About one in a million 

DAPHNE 

So therefore they won't be wanting their rations. 

ROZ 

You should run for President, you have all the best ideas. 

DAPHNE 

I'm actually feeling a little bit guilty. 

ROZ 

We haven't eaten anything yet. 

DAPHNE 

Not about that about Niles. I was a bit offish with him. 

ROZ 

Oh he'll get over it, if he's still alive. 

DAPHNE 

It's not exactly the perfect start to our vacation. After all Niles and I only came so we could spend some time together since he's had so much extra work recently. 

ROZ 

Has it really been that long? 

DAPHNE 

It seems like forever, since we spent any quality time together. 

ROZ 

You know you two have got everything all the wrong way around. 

DAPHNE 

How do you mean? 

ROZ 

You're supposed to wait until after you're married before the sex stops. 

AS THEY BOTH CONTINUE TO EAT ALL THE FOOD THEY CAN FIND WE: 

FADE OUT 

(G) 

FADE IN: 

EXT. WOODLAND DITCH — NIGHT — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Niles) 

FRASIER AND NILES SIT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE DITCH BOTH COVERED IN MUD LOOKING UPWARDS FOR A WAY TO GET OUT 

FRASIER 

I can see storm clouds hovering overhead. 

NILES 

How do you know they are storm clouds? 

FRASIER 

Because they're black. 

NILES 

It's nighttime. They're bound to be black. 

FRASIER 

Don't get angry with me, this is... 

NILES 

Your fault. If you say that once more I may not be held responsible for my actions. 

FRASIER 

Well how do we get out of here? 

NILES STANDS UP AND BRUSHES HIMSELF DOWN 

NILES 

Give me a boost and then I'll help pull you out. 

FRASIER 

No you'll leave me here. 

NILES 

I'm your brother I would never do that. Unless I'm chased by some sort of insect. Help me and I'll pull you up. 

FRASIER STANDS UP 

FRASIER 

Niles you couldn't pull a cracker. You give me a boost. 

NILES 

I'm not getting mud all over my hands. 

FRASIER 

What difference does it make you've got it all over your face? 

NILES 

It's for camouflage, I don't want to be stalked by some wild beast. 

FRASIER 

You seriously need a therapist, you know that? 

NILES 

I've already got one. 

FRASIER 

Not a psychical therapist. Let me stand on your back then. 

NILES 

Although I'm going to marry a psychical therapist in a few months, I don't particularly want to have to ask her to nurse my broken spine for the rest of my life. 

FRASIER 

Is that a jibe about my weight? 

NILES 

Not at all, I just don't want to die down this hole. 

FRASIER 

Then give me a boost or I'll strangle you. 

NILES 

Not if you use that tone. 

AS THEY CONTINUE TO BICKER WE: 

FADE OUT 

(H) 

FADE IN: 

INT. WINNEBAGO — NIGHT — DAY/2   
(Daphne, Roz) 

DAPHNE AND ROZ SIT AS BEFORE EATING AND DRINKING EVERYTHING THEY CAN LAY THEIR HANDS ON 

DAPHNE 

How about pink? 

ROZ 

Do I really come across as a pink kind of person? 

DAPHNE 

Not really. 

ROZ 

Then think again. 

DAPHNE 

I don't want to go with green again. 

ROZ 

Thank God those dresses were vile. I have no idea what you were thinking about when you picked them. 

DAPHNE 

I meant because I don't want anything similar to my wedding to Donny. What was wrong with those dresses? I thought they looked nice. 

ROZ 

And they would have been if I had been suffering from troll blindness. 

ROZ GRABS ANOTHER HANDFUL OF MARSHMALLOWS FROM THE BAG 

DAPHNE 

Fine next week we can go together and buy your dress. Although I doubt you'll be able to fit into it now. 

ROZ 

I've told you there is no way comfort food can be fattening. There's a technique you can use that makes it less fattening. 

DAPHNE 

So in that case I can eat a whole cow covered in whipped cream and chocolate every time that I need comfort and I wouldn't gain a pound? 

ROZ 

That's right. 

DAPHNE 

And you do this? 

ROZ 

That's right every time I need comforting. 

DAPHNE 

Does this new technique have a name? 

ROZ 

Denial. 

DAPHNE 

I love these little chats of ours. 

ROZ 

So have you sorted out the Honeymoon yet? 

DAPHNE 

No not yet. 

ROZ 

Where do you want to go? 

DAPHNE 

Anywhere as long as it's hot and it's just the two of us. 

SFX: TAPPING AT THE WINDOW

ROZ 

I find it amazing that you can be so into that little man. 

DAPHNE 

Did you hear that? 

ROZ 

Changing the subject I see. 

DAPHNE 

I think there's someone out side. 

ROZ 

Are you sure? 

SFX: TAPPING NOISE AT THE WINDOW

DAPHNE 

Listen. There it is again. 

ROZ 

Who do you suppose it is? 

DAPHNE 

I don't know, the Blair Witch. 

SFX: TAPPING NOISE AT THE WINDOW

ROZ 

Maybe it's one of the boys. 

DAPHNE 

They would have told us they were back. 

ROZ 

What do we do? 

DAPHNE 

Hide. 

AS THEY BOTH QUICKLY EXIT INTO THE BATHROOM AND SHUT THE DOOR WE: 

FADE OUT 

(I) 

TITLE CARD: "WOOD YOU BELIEVE ALL THE LUCK?" 

FADE IN: 

EXT. WOODLAND DITCH — NIGHT — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Niles) 

NILES STANDS ON FRASIER'S HANDS AS HE GIVES HIM A BOOST TO CLIMB OUT OF THE DITCH. NILES DESPERATELY TRIES TO GRIP ONTO ANYTHING IN REACH TO CLIMB UP. 

FRASIER 

Grab onto something and pull yourself out. 

NILES 

There's nothing to grab onto. 

FRASIER 

Niles I can see a tree from here, grab onto the trunk. 

NILES 

I am not touching a base of a tree trunk. 

FRASIER 

For the love of God why not? 

NILES 

Who knows what animal has relieved themselves up it. 

FRASIER 

You can wash your hand when we get back to the Winnebago. 

NILES 

I'd rather not. Can't you push me any higher? 

FRASIER 

Not when I have your shoe in my face no. 

NILES 

Oh stop complaining, they're Joan and David. 

FRASIER 

I wouldn't care if they were psychedelic flip flops just get them out of my face. Now pull yourself up. 

NILES 

Fine but if I catch anything from this tree I will make you pay for it for the rest of your life. 

NILES GRABS HOLD OF THE TREE AND PULLS HIMSELF UP 

FRASIER 

I'm already paying for it, just having you as a brother. 

NILES CLIMBS OUT OF THE HOLE, BRUSHES HIMSELF DOWN AND THEN STARES BACK DOWN AT FRASIER 

NILES 

Just for that comment, you can stay down there. 

FRASIER 

Niles don't you dare. 

NILES 

Give me your hand. Now climb up me. 

RESET TO: 

EXT. WOODLAND NEXT TO THE DITCH - CONTINUOUS

NILES LIES ON THE FLOOR AND LEANS DOWN TO FRASIER. FRASIER THEN GRABS HIM HAND AND CLIMBS THEN CRAWLS UP NILES UNTIL HE IS ALMOST LYING ON TOP OF HIM 

FRASIER 

Please don't let anyone stumble upon this scene. 

NILES 

They'll probably think we're a couple of escaped convicts. 

THEY BOTH STAND UP AND START TO LOOK AROUND 

FRASIER 

Which way were we walking? 

NILES 

That way I think. 

SFX: SNAPPING TWIG

NILES (CONT'D) 

What was that? 

FRASIER 

What was what? 

NILES 

That noise. 

FRASIER 

I didn't hear anything. 

NILES 

That's because you were talking over it. 

SFX: TWIG SNAPPING

NILES (CONT'D) 

There it is again. 

FRASIER 

What do you think it is? 

NILES 

I don't know but I'm not waiting to find out. 

NILES SUDDENLY STARTS TO RUN TO THE RIGHT 

FRASIER 

Don't run that way, we're supposed to be going that way. 

NILES STOPS AND TURNS AROUND 

NILES 

Which way? 

SFX: SNAPPING TWIG

NILES (CONT'D) 

Oh forget it, just run like the wind. 

NILES STARTS TO RUN AGAIN IN THE SAME DIRECTION AS BEFORE AND EXITS FROM VIEW AS FRASIER STARES AFTER HIM. SUDDENLY A DEER EMERGES FROM WHERE THE SOUND WAS COMING FROM 

FRASIER 

Niles it's a deer. Come back. 

FRASIER STARTS TO RUN AND EXITS FOLLOWING NILES AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(J) 

FADE IN: 

INT. BAR — NIGHT — DAY/2   
(Martin, Ian) 

MARTIN SITS IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED BAR DRINKING A BEER AND IN MID CONVERSATION WITH IAN, THE BARTENDER 

MARTIN 

So then the doctor says not now Sir I've just lost the hamster. 

THEY BOTH START TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY 

IAN 

That's funny. What are you doing around here anyway Marty? 

MARTIN 

Family trip. 

IAN 

Then where's your family. 

MARTIN 

Still in the Winnebago. 

IAN 

Are they going to be Ok? 

MARTIN 

They'll be fine. They have survival skills and I have a beer. 

AS MARTIN TAKES A LARGE SWIG OF HIS BEER WE: 

CUT TO: 

(K) 

CUT TO: 

EXT. WOODLAND NEXT TO THE ROAD — NIGHT — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Niles) 

NILES AND FRASIER STILL CONTINUE TO RUN THROUGH THICK WOODLAND, NOT REALLY KNOWING IN WHICH DIRECTION THEY ARE HEADED. NILES LEADS THE WAY RUNNING WILDLY AS USUAL AS FRASIER LAGS BEHIND AND EVENTUALLY STOPS 

FRASIER 

I think you can slow down now! 

NILES 

Not until I know we're safe. 

FRASIER 

You're just attracting more attention to yourself. Stop running like some sort of demented chicken in heat. 

NILES STOPS RUNNING, TRIES TO CATCH HIS BREATH AND TURNS TO FRASIER 

NILES 

Stop mocking my run. It's a perfectly normal run. 

FRASIER 

Only if you've just discovered the use of your arms and legs. 

NILES 

And your run is normal? 

FRASIER 

There's nothing wrong with it. 

NILES 

The amount of times I've been asked at the squash court about why was I playing with a woman today instead of you is incredible. 

FRASIER 

No one has ever said that. 

NILES 

Dozen's of people have. 

FRASIER 

Dozen's? 

NILES 

All right one. Walter Hennings. 

FRASIER 

Walter Hennings wears an eye patch. 

NILES 

He has to he has a glass eye. 

FRASIER 

Granted but that doesn't explain why he wears it over his good eye. Oh this is getting us nowhere. How do we get back to the Winnebago? 

NILES 

I don't know. Oh what's the use we're going to die out here. 

FRASIER 

With that attitude we will. We'd be in a better position had you not ran away screaming from a deer. 

NILES 

A raging rabid deer. Did you not see that look in its eye? 

FRASIER 

Niles it was frightened. It saw a crazy man running in the opposite direction as if some sort of demon penguin in drag had possessed him. 

NILES 

We should have stayed by the hole. At least we could have covered it over and made a house. 

FRASIER 

And what would we have eaten? Insects? 

NILES 

Either that or I'd have hit you over the head. 

FRASIER 

And what good would that have done? 

NILES 

I certainly wouldn't have starved. 

FRASIER 

Is that another jibe about my weight? 

NILES 

I don't need to jibe about it. You nearly yanked my arms out of their sockets climbing up me. 

FRASIER 

And it's my fault that you're spindly? 

NILES 

Don't you call me spindly or I'll... 

SFX: WOLF HOWLING 

FRASIER 

Is there any chance that was you? 

NILES 

I was about to ask the same thing. 

FRASIER 

Are you thinking what I'm thinking? 

NILES 

Run? 

FRASIER 

Great minds think alike. 

AS THEY SET OFF AND RUN FOR THEIR LIVES ONCE AGAIN WE: 

FADE OUT 

(L) 

FADE IN: 

INT. WINNEBAGO BATHROOM — NIGHT — DAY/2   
(Daphne, Roz, Frasier, Niles, Martin, Greg) 

DAPHNE AND ROZ REMAIN HUDDLED AND SOMEWHAT SQUASHED INTO THE BATHROOM SPEAKING IN ONLY WHISPERS 

DAPHNE 

We can't stay in here. What if they steal the Winnebago? 

ROZ 

It's broken down. We're stuck on the side of a road. 

DAPHNE 

Then what do we do? 

ROZ 

Let's go outside and arm ourselves. 

DAPHNE 

What with? 

ROZ 

A knife, a frying pan, a sharp piece of tuna, anything that will do a little damage. 

DAPHNE 

OK, on the count of three. 

ROZ 

Do we go outside on three, or wait until after you've said three. 

DAPHNE 

What's the difference? 

ROZ 

A second between whether we get decapitated or not. 

DAPHNE 

Ok then let's go on three. One, two, three. 

THEY SLOWLY CREEP OUT OF THE DOOR SHUTTING IT BEHIND THEM 

RESET TO: 

INT. WINNEBAGO — CONTINUOUS 

DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER INTO THE MAIN SECTION OF THE WINNEBAGO KEEPING LOW SO NOT TO BE SEEN. ROZ THEN PICKS UP A FRYING PAN AS DAPHNE GETS A SAUCEPAN 

ROZ 

Are they still out there? 

SFX: TAPPING ON THE WINDOW

DAPHNE SPINS AROUND AND POINTS TO THE BACK WINDOW 

DAPHNE 

Outside that window. I can hear someone taping it. 

ROZ 

Should we go outside? 

DAPHNE 

Do we have to? 

ROZ 

We either go outside and get them or we wait for them to get us. 

DAPHNE 

Ok you go first. 

THEY CREEP TOWARDS THE DOOR 

RESET TO: 

EXT. WOODLAND NEXT TO THE WINNEBAGO — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND NILES SPOT THE WINNEBAGO AND RUN AT FULL SPEED TOWARDS IT 

FRASIER 

I can see it. 

NILES 

The wolf? 

FRASIER 

No the Winnebago. 

NILES 

Oh who knew something so ugly could bring so much joy? 

FRASIER 

I think I said that in my wedding vows. 

THEY REACH THE DOOR AND NILES GOES TO OPEN IT 

NILES 

I can't wait to get inside... 

ROZ SUDDENLY OPENS THE DOOR AND HITS NILES WITH THE FRYING PAN CAUSING HIM TO COLLAPSE ON THE FLOOR IN A HEAP 

ROZ 

Got you, now try and murder us. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE WINNEBAGO AND RUNS TO ATTEND TO NILES 

DAPHNE 

Oh my God. Niles honey are you OK? 

NILES 

Which Daphne actually said that? I can see six of you. This must be what heaven is like. 

FRASIER 

What did you hit him with a frying pan for? 

ROZ 

Why were you two skulking around outside? We thought you were going to kill us. 

FRASIER 

We weren't skulking around we only just got here. 

DAPHNE 

That means there's someone still outside. 

ROZ 

Quick get in. 

FRASIER, DAPHNE AND ROZ EXIT INSIDE THE WINNEBAGO LEAVING NILES OUTSIDE 

RESET TO: 

INT. WINNEBAGO — CONTINUOUS

THEY ENTER INSIDE AND START TO RUN TO THE BACK UNTIL FRASIER STOPS 

FRASIER 

Aren't we forgetting something? 

ROZ 

Forget the frying pan, it's shaped like Niles' face now anyway. 

FRASIER 

I meant Niles. 

DAPHNE 

Oh yes. 

DAPHNE OPENS THE DOOR AND SHE AND FRASIER PULL NILES BY HIS ANKLES INSIDE AND LEAVE HIM ON THE FLOOR 

SFX: TAPPING ON THE WINDOW

ROZ 

Can you hear that? 

FRASIER SLOWLY WALKS TO THE BACK WINDOW AND PULLS THE CURTAINS OPEN TO REVEAL A TREE BRANCH HITTING THE WINDOW 

FRASIER 

It's just a twig. 

SFX: FOOTSTEPS OUTSIDE THE FRONT OF THE WINNEBAGO

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

But I sure heard that. 

NILES 

I can hear angels singing. 

FRASIER 

Shut up you lunatic. 

ROZ 

Go outside. 

FRASIER 

You go outside. 

DAPHNE 

Listen. 

THE THREE OF THEM WALK TO THE FRONT OF THE WINNEBAGO AND PEER OUTSIDE. SUDDENLY MARTIN STICKS HIS HEAD OUT FROM AROUND THE SIDE OF THE HOOD CAUSING THE OTHER THREE TO SCREAM AND SHOUT. MARTIN THEN GETS ON BOARD THE WINNEBAGO CARRYING GROCERY BAGS 

MARTIN 

What are you screaming about? 

ROZ 

We thought you were going to kill us. 

NILES 

I can see a birdy. 

FRASIER 

Where did you get all that food? 

MARTIN 

From the 7/11 just on the other side of the hill. 

FRASIER 

Then why did you send us that way? 

MARTIN 

How was I supposed to know? 

GREG STICKS HIM HEAD INSIDE THE DOOR 

GREG 

How about the sign right outside the door? 

THEY ALL PEERS OUTSIDE AND SEE A SIGN POST FOR THE TOWN AND THE 7/11 AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: MARTIN CONTINUES TO DRIVE THE WINNEBAGO WITH NILES, DAPHNE AND ROZ ASLEEP IN THE BACK. FRASIER STANDS BY THE KITCHEN PORTION LOOKING THROUGH ALL THE CUPBOARDS TO REVEAL VERY LITTLE FOOD. FINALLY HE FINDS THE NEARLY EMPTY BAG OF MARSHMALLOWS AND TAKES THEM BACK TO THE PASSENGER SEAT. AS SOON AS HE SITS DOWN EDDIE IS TRYING TO JUMP ON HIS LAP TO GET THEM 


	8. Episode Eight

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_Just to let you know when you click on this e-mail address and send feedback to kelly_simba@hotmail.com it won't make you blow up or anything. No death rays will be sent to you, I promise. _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Nine Episode Eight   
Mistletoe and Whine 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

FADE IN: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Roz, Kenny, Chris, Evelyn, Gill, Craig (VO)) 

FRASIER AND ROZ SIT ON THEIR RESPECTIVE SIDES OF THE GLASS IN THE BOOTH COMING TO THE END OF THE SHOW 

FRASIER 

Roz who do we have next? 

ROZ 

We have Craig from Kirkland on line one. 

FRASIER 

Hello Craig, you're on the line with Dr. Frasier... 

CRAIG (VO) 

Aaahhhhhh 

FRASIER 

Craig are you OK? You're not talking on a car phone are you? Listener's you are my witnesses, I did not ask him to close his eyes this time. I don't need to be sued three times to learn my lesson. 

CRAIG (VO) 

No it's not that Dr. Crane. I have a phobia of a certain letter on the alphabet. It's so bad it just makes me scream uncontrollably every time I hear it. I dream about it at night and wake up in a cold sweat. 

FRASIER 

That is interesting. Does is effect you when the letter is in the middle of the word or only the first... 

CRAIG (VO) 

Aaahhhhhh 

FRASIER 

The first? 

CRAIG (VO) 

Aaahhhhhh 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry Craig but I need you to calm down long enough to get me to understand which letter I'm forbidden... 

CRAIG (VO) 

Aaahhhhhh 

ROZ 

For... 

CRAIG (VO) 

Aaahhhhhh 

ROZ 

...God's sake Frasier... 

CRAIG (VO) 

Aaahhhhhh 

ROZ 

...It's the letter F. 

CRAIG (VO) 

Aaahhhhhh 

FRASIER 

Yes thankyou Roz. Craig please forgive... 

CRAIG (VO) 

Aaahhhhhh 

FRASIER 

Oh my God, I'm so sorry Craig I really am I forgot. 

CRAIG (VO) 

Aaahhhhhh 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It won't happen again. 

CRAIG (VO) 

Dr. Crane you've really got to help me here. Life is becoming unbearable. I'm stopping at home all day, everyday with nothing but a can of condensed milk and a vole to keep me company because I'm so afraid of hearing it. 

FRASIER 

Well the milk and the vole is certainly a problem in itself but I won't go into that now. It's certainly a complicated problem Craig, not something that Freud... 

CRAIG (VO) 

Aaahhhhhh 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry Craig, truly I am. I'm not going to have enough time to handle this kind of complex problem in the time we have remaining so can you call back in tomorrow? 

CRAIG (VO) 

Sure Dr. Crane, thank you. 

FRASIER 

You're quite welcome and I'll make sure that you're the first... 

CRAIG (VO) 

Aaahhhhhh 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry Craig. Please call tomorrow. And as we come to the end of the show let me remind Alan who called earlier, necrophilia is not a hobby, it's a problem and not a very hygienic one at that. This is Dr. Frasier... 

CRAIG (VO) 

Aaahhhhhh 

FRASIER 

(MUTING HIS MIC) For God's sake Roz hang up on this guy will you. 

ROZ 

(MUTING HER MIC) Sorry. It's not as if he's going to climb a clock tower and fire into a crowd. He can't say the word to begin with. 

FRASIER 

As I was saying this is Dr. Frasier Crane wishing you all a good day Seattle, a very merry Christmas and good mental health. 

FRASIER GOES OFF THE AIR AND TAKES OFF HIS HEADPHONES AS ROZ ENTERS INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH 

FRASIER 

I swear the world gets goofier and goofier everyday. It won't be long before everyone will be wearing white clothes after Labour Day and ordering wine in cardboard boxes. It's a shame I'm not still in private practice, I could charge more. 

ROZ 

Yes because that's a sure sign of madness. 

ROZ TRIES TO GET A TAPE FROM THE MACHINE BUT IT WON'T LET GO 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

(SHOUTS) For God's sake will you just let go of the tape before I kill you like the dog you are! 

FRASIER 

Of course another sign is yelling at inanimate objects and expecting them to woof back at you. You might want to get one of those barking dog alarms, they'll bark back and won't try to romance you when your wearing an angora sweater. Are you OK Roz? 

ROZ 

I'm single. Need I say anymore? 

FRASIER 

So am I, do you see me attacking anything? 

ROZ 

And that wasn't you that kicked the hell out of the vending machine because cheese and crackers came out of the shoot instead of chocolate and then curled up in the corner crying like a baby, sucking his thumb and mumbling something completely incoherent about a bald pony? 

FRASIER 

I've told you that's just a viscous rumour and the CCTV recording would prove that if the tape hadn't suddenly gone missing which I also had nothing to do with. 

ROZ 

Then why were your eyes all red and puffy? 

FRASIER 

I'd just pulled out a painful nose hair in the men's room, it made my eyes water. You try doing it without some sort of aesthetic. It would hurt less to try to remove your own kidney. 

ROZ 

Then why were you limping? 

FRASIER 

I just happened to have a gammy leg. It was my trailing leg; I got it caught in my car door. Don't give me that look it happens to more people then you'd think. The fact is we're both in the same dating boat Roz that just happens to be leaking into shark infested water. 

ROZ 

Yeah but look at me compared to you. 

FRASIER 

Just for that all the sympathy I had for you has now vanished. 

KENNY ENTERS THROUGH THE DOOR ON FRASIER'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH 

KENNY 

Hey Doc, Roz I'd like to introduce you to our new station owner. 

CHRIS, A MAN IN HIS SIXTIES, ENTERS BEHIND KENNY 

KENNY (CONT'D) 

This is Mr. Chris Williams, Mr. Williams, this is Dr. Frasier Crane and his producer Roz Doyle. 

THEY ALL SHAKE HANDS 

FRASIER 

It's nice to meet you. 

CHRIS 

Nice to meet you too. I'm a big fan. 

FRASIER 

Why thank you. 

CHRIS 

Is it you I see is having a Christmas party for the staff? 

KENNY 

Thanks right, he's trying to score points after he snubbed us a couple of years ago. It took a while for those wounds to heal I can tell you. 

CHRIS 

You seem to me, to be a kiss ass Kenny. I like that. 

FRASIER 

You are of course invited Mr. Williams. In fact I insist you be our guest of honour. 

EVELYN, A FAIRLY ATTRACTIVE WOMAN IN HER THIRTIES, ENTERS

CHRIS 

I said I like kiss asses not people who give me enema's Crane. I wouldn't miss it for the world. Oh and this is my daughter Evelyn. Excuse me a moment I'd like a little word with Gill. 

CHRIS AND KENNY EXIT OUT OF THE BOOTH 

FRASIER 

Hello there Evelyn, it's nice to meet you. 

EVELYN 

It's nice to meet you too. I knew you looked handsome on your posters past the spray painted moustache and the blacked out teeth but I had no idea you would be this handsome in person. You're the prettiest man I've ever seen. 

FRASIER 

Well I don't know about that. I hear there is a guy in France. 

EVELYN 

Modest too. 

FRASIER 

Please stop you'll give me a big head. 

ROZ 

Like it wasn't big enough to begin with. It has it's own gravitational pull. 

ROZ GOES INTO HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH BUT LEAVES THE DOOR OPEN SO THAT SHE CAN STILL HEAR 

EVELYN 

So this is where the magic happens. 

FRASIER 

Excuse me? 

EVELYN 

Where you do your show. Where you heal the masses. 

FRASIER 

Oh yes of course. 

EVELYN SUDDENLY PUSHES UP AGAINST FRASIER PINNING HIM UP THE CONSOLE 

EVELYN 

I don't think I've ever met a man I've wanted as much. I just want to rub myself all over you. Is there a storage closet near by? If you can be quick, I can be quiet. 

FRASIER 

(SHOCKED) Excuse me? 

EVELYN 

I said... 

CHRIS ENTERS

CHRIS 

Evelyn time to go. 

EVELYN 

I'm coming. (WHISPERS TO FRASIER) I'll speak to you later. 

CHRIS AND EVELYN EXIT SHUTTING THE DOOR BEHIND THEM AS ROZ ENTERS BACK INTO FRASIER'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH LOOKING GOB SMACKED 

ROZ 

Oh my God how badly does she want you? That was one of the most sickening displays I have ever seen. 

FRASIER 

I feel violated the way she undressed me with her eyes and not at all in a good way. 

ROZ 

She must have some severe mental illness. I think it's time to up her dosage and start on electro-shock. Or just kill her now for her own sake. 

FRASIER 

Is it so hard to believe that someone would want me so bad? 

ROZ 

Yes it's you. Surprised? Now if she was lusting after a pigmy in drag no not really, but you, yes. 

CHRIS ENTERS BACK INTO THE BOOTH SHUTTING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM 

CHRIS 

Crane can I speak with you for a moment? 

FRASIER 

Of course. 

CHRIS PUSHES FRASIER UP AGAINST THE GLASS AND GRABS HOLD OF HIS TIE 

CHRIS 

It's just a word about my daughter. Touch her once and I'll drop you with a deer rifle and then disembowel you with my bare hands. By the time I'm through being buried alive is going to start to appeal. Are you following me? 

FRASIER 

Loud and clear. 

CHRIS LETS GO OF FRASIER AND OPENS THE BOOTH DOOR 

CHRIS 

Good because I won't tell you twice. 

CHRIS EXITS LEAVING THE DOOR OPEN 

CHRIS (CONT'D) 

(OFF STAGE) Excuse me Noel. 

FRASIER 

(WORRIED) Oh my God. 

ROZ 

Don't worry about it Frasier, he's just being a Dad. 

GIL AND KENNY ENTER LOOKING COMPLETELY SHELL SHOCKED 

GIL 

My God, the new station manager just told me if I so much as touched his daughter he'd hit me so hard on the head with an anvil that I'd be two foot tall. 

KENNY 

He pinned me up the wall and tried to poke me in the eye and I only said hello to her and shook her hand. 

GIL 

Well what do we do? Deb's already taller then I am and I'd rather not spend the rest of my life being forced to stare at her kneecaps. They're not her best feature. 

ROZ 

(SOTTO TO FRASIER) But he neglects the fact that she looks like a reindeer on crack. 

FRASIER 

(SOTTO TO ROZ) Roz stop being polite. 

KENNY 

Just stay away from her that's all we can do. 

ROZ 

Or find yourself with one kidney too few. 

EVELYN WALKS PAST THE GLASS AT THE REAR OF THE BOOTH AND WAVES SEDUCTIVELY AT FRASIER BEFORE EXITING. KENNY AND GIL SEE THIS AND AFTER NOTICING FRASIER'S WORRIED EXPRESSION BREATHE A SIGH OF RELIEF. 

GIL 

(LAUGHING) Well that shouldn't be too hard. Good luck Frasier. 

KENNY 

You've made a will right Doc? 

KENNY AND GIL EXIT FROM THE BOOTH 

ROZ 

They're just teasing Frasier ignore them. 

GIL 

(OFF STAGE) I get first dibs on his parking space. 

ROZ EXITS RUNNING FROM THE BOOTH 

ROZ 

(SHOUTS OFF STAGE) No way I'm practically his next of kin at the station that parking space should be mine! 

FRASIER GLARES AFTER ROZ BEFORE PICKING UP HIS BRIEFCASE AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

TITLE CARD: "THEY HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT IT AT HARRY WINSTONS" 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — EARLY AFTERNOON — DAY/2   
(Roz, Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Evelyn, Chris) 

DAPHNE SITS BY THE COUNTER IN NERVOSA ABSORBED COMPLETELY BY A COUPLE OF BROCHURES THAT SHE HAS ON THE TABLE AS ROZ ENTERS AND SITS WITH HER 

ROZ 

Hey Daph, what are you up to? 

DAPHNE 

Christmas shopping. 

ROZ 

In Nervosa? In that case I'll have the tall, dark haired waiter who works weekends tied up with a big red bow and a piece of biscotti. 

DAPHNE 

I meant for Niles. 

ROZ 

Well then it's maybe not a good idea for him, but then again you do know him better then I do. 

DAPHNE 

He's so hard to shop for. It was hard enough when he was just a friend; it's even harder now. What do you get the man who has everything? 

ROZ PICKS UP ONE OF THE BROCHURES AND STARTS TO FLICK THROUGH 

ROZ 

A fertility God? My God look at the size of that! You know it's one thing being extra fertile, but that things just dangerous. 

DAPHNE 

I'd rather not have one of those around the house until after the wedding if you don't mind. I only want to carry my bouquet down the isle, nothing else. Well except possibly my father if he's drunk again and likely to vomit if he looses his balance. 

ROZ 

Then how about one of his antique chopsticks or eggcups or any of the other crap him and Frasier fawn over? 

DAPHNE 

I wouldn't be able to afford anything like that even if I knew where to get it from. He spent more money on a tiny piece of wood then I spent on my first car. 

ROZ 

Then follow him when he goes off 'antiquing' and find something in your price range like a brown paper bag. 

DAPHNE 

Are you suggesting I stalk him? 

ROZ 

Yeah. 

DAPHNE 

You don't think he'll notice I'm following him? We have met on quite a few occasions. I'll just go for another tie. 

ROZ 

How about you show up at his place wearing nothing but a smile? 

DAPHNE 

Did it for his birthday. My brother's are insisting on getting him something this year as well. I'm dreading it. After the tattoo I'm afraid they'll send him a home body piercing kit. 

ROZ 

Not the best gift givers I take it? 

DAPHNE 

That's an understatement. One year as a kid they gave me a terminally ill hamster with three legs. 

ROZ 

Three legs? 

DAPHNE 

Before they wrapped it up they played a game of throwing it at some flypaper and seeing if it would stick. Unfortunately after Peter threw it for what I believe was the eighteenth time, one of its feet stayed behind on the paper when they pulled it off. The poor thing kept knocking itself out on its water bottle when it lost its balance and fell off the wheel. 

ROZ 

How have you never been on Oprah? 

NILES ENTERS AND HANGS UP HIS COAT ON THE PEG 

DAPHNE 

Oh Niles is coming, quick hide the catalogues. No wait, I've got a better idea pretend we don't know him. 

ROZ 

You're engaged to him, I think that boat's sailed. 

NILES WALKS TO THE TABLE KISSES DAPHNE AND THEN SITS DOWN 

NILES 

Hello Daphne, Roz. So what have you been up to? 

DAPHNE 

(DEFENSIVELY) Nothing. Why would we have been up to anything? What's with all the questions? Why are you suddenly so mistrustful? 

NILES 

And no more coffee for you. 

NILES MOVES HER CUP AWAY FROM HER 

ROZ 

Actually Niles can you help me with something. 

NILES 

Sure 

ROZ 

It's about Frasier's Christmas present; I'm not sure what to get him. You have the same taste what would you like for Christmas out of here? 

NILES 

I'm not sure. Let me have a look at these and I'll call you later. 

DAPHNE MOUTHS 'THANK YOU' TO ROZ AS FRASIER ENTERS

ROZ 

Great thanks. Oh no Frasier's here. 

ROZ GETS UP AND GOES TOWARDS THE BATHROOM 

NILES 

Why are you leaving? 

DAPHNE 

You'll realise when he gets here. 

ROZ EXITS TO THE BATHROOM 

NILES 

Best hide these then. 

NILES MOVES THE BROCHURES UNDER THE TABLE AS FRASIER MOVES TO THE TABLE 

FRASIER 

Hello there. 

NILES STARTS TO SMELL THE AIR AND LOOKS DISGUSTED 

NILES 

What on earth is that smell? Chad's burnt his arm on the steam nozzle again hasn't he? I don't know if I like the idea of his smouldering flesh mixing with my latte. 

FRASIER 

No actually it's me. 

NILES 

You burnt yourself on the steam nozzle? What were doing behind the counter? 

FRASIER 

I wasn't behind the counter. 

NILES 

Then someone threw it at you? 

FRASIER 

No it's meat paste. 

NILES 

Someone threw meat paste at you? 

FRASIER 

No I put it on myself. 

NILES 

You put meat paste on yourself? Why would you do that? How many more times stop drinking sherry for breakfast. 

FRASIER 

I've put the meat paste behind my ears. 

NILES 

Of course you have Frasier. Coffee is always a joy with you. Is that a clove of garlic around your neck? 

DAPHNE 

It's nice to know the weekly shop isn't wasted on stupid things like eating. 

FRASIER 

No it's just a rather grotesque diamond. Do you think it will catch on? 

NILES 

Starting a new trend in jewellery? Are you wearing an onion ring on your finger? 

FRASIER 

It's to try to scare off the station manager's daughter 

ROZ ENTERS AND SITS BACK DOWN 

NILES 

Why is she a vampire? Or does she just have a phobia of meat paste. 

ROZ 

No she just wants him really badly like a mongoose in heat. 

NILES 

Then we must have her committed immediately. 

ROZ 

That's what I said. 

DAPHNE 

You'll have to start taking a sharp stick to work with you. 

FRASIER 

Thank you all so much for your sympathy. 

NILES 

Why do you want sympathy? For once in your life a woman is fawning all over you and you want to get rid of her, what's the problem? At this stage of your life, you've got no time to be fussy. 

FRASIER 

If I touch her, her father will kill me. 

NILES 

I'm sure he was just joking. 

ROZ 

No he wasn't, he's threatened everyone including most of the women. He told Tooty the Storybook Lady he'd hunt her down and maim her in the night if she so much as looked at her. 

NILES 

He doesn't seem entirely stable. 

FRASIER 

Gee do you think? She's all over me, it won't be long before my head is stuck on the top of the Space Needle. 

EVELYN ENTERS AND STANDS BY THE DOOR STARING AT FRASIER 

ROZ 

That won't happen. 

NILES 

How would he climb to the top of the beacon to start with? 

ROZ 

Exactly. 

FRASIER GETS UP TO LEAVE 

FRASIER 

I'm not taking any more of this abuse I'm leaving. 

DAPHNE 

Dr. Crane why is that woman staring at you? 

FRASIER 

Oh my God it's her hide me! Maybe she hasn't noticed. 

FRASIER SITS BACK DOWN AND HIDES HIS FACE 

NILES 

You've just stood up and announced to the café that you were leaving. Fewer people would know if you'd had a sky writer do it. 

EVELYN STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS THEM 

FRASIER 

She's coming over. How do I get rid of her? 

DAPHNE 

How do you normally get rid of interested women? 

ROZ 

Date them usually. 

EVELYN APPROACHES THE TABLE AND PUTS HER ARM AROUND FRASIER AS HE STANDS UP 

EVELYN 

Hello there Frasier. Why haven't you joined me? 

FRASIER 

I couldn't abandon my family. 

NILES 

Oh we don't mind. 

DAPHNE 

Take him. 

FRASIER 

(SOTTO TO NILES AND DAPHNE) I will kill you both in the night for this. 

CHRIS ENTERS AND WAITS BY THE DOOR 

CHRIS 

Evelyn, come here. 

EVELYN 

Damn it! Why does he have to ruin my sex life? But never mind I'll see you tonight. 

FRASIER 

Tonight? 

EVELYN 

At your party. Maybe we can steal some time alone away from my father. 

FRASIER 

(QUIETLY) And maybe I'll have a bullet in my back. (INDICATING CHRIS) I don't think he'll approve. 

EVELYN 

Think of it this way, he'll be a lot madder if you break my heart. Bye lover boy. 

CHRIS AND EVELYN EXIT

ROZ 

Well either way you are screwed now. 

NILES 

Normally that would just be an expression. 

AS FRASIER SITS DOWN AND PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS, WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Martin, Frasier, Daphne, Gill, Kenny, Roz, Evelyn, Chris) 

THE ROOM IS DECORATED FOR THE FESTIVE SEASON BUT OBVIOUSLY BY FRASIER NOT MARTIN THIS YEAR. THERE IS ONE TABLE SET UP AS A BAR AND ANOTHER COVERED WITH FOOD. FRASIER STRAIGHTENS THE CHRISTMAS TREE AS MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM STRAIGHTENING HIS TIE. THE ROOM IS ALREADY PRETTY FULL WITH PEOPLE FROM THE STATION AND THE FRONT DOOR IS LEFT OPEN FOR EVERYONE ELSE 

MARTIN 

Why do I have to dress up for this party? 

FRASIER 

Because the new station owner is going to be here. 

MARTIN 

So? I don't work for him. 

FRASIER 

But he's bringing someone I think you'll really like. 

MARTIN 

You're not palming off your horny heiress on me. 

FRASIER 

Oh please Dad I'm desperate. 

MARTIN 

So is she if she's really this interested in you. 

FRASIER 

But her Dad will kill me. 

MARTIN 

Which means if I pay any attention to her he'll kill me. You're a lot bigger then me you'll stand more chance of fending him off. 

FRASIER 

But you're so much older. I have so much more to live for. 

MARTIN 

I know why don't I just throw myself over the balcony, since I have so little to live for. You can hurl Eddie and my chair over after me. If I were you I'd put some plastic sheeting on the sidewalk first. 

FRASIER 

That's not what I meant. 

MARTIN 

Isn't it? 

FRASIER 

Well yes but...please Dad. 

MARTIN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN AS DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Daphne? 

DAPHNE 

I've already said no, I'm not making a pass at her. 

FRASIER 

That's not what I asked. 

DAPHNE 

All right I'm not sling shotting my knickers at her either. If he's going to kill someone for checking her out it's not going to be me. 

FRASIER 

Maybe Niles would. 

MARTIN ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN 

DAPHNE 

No he wouldn't. Because if her Dad doesn't kill him for it I will. 

MARTIN 

Frasier the guy is not going to do anything to you. 

FRASIER 

He has a bumper sticker on his car saying 'if you can read this I'm going to insert your head up your ass.' 

MARTIN 

That could mean anything. 

DAPHNE 

Yes, that he's unstable and can snap a spine like a twig. 

FRASIER 

He has a sign on his lawn saying 'Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot twice.' 

MARTIN 

And you get that he'll kill you from that? 

GIL ENTERS WEARING PLASTER CASTS ON BOTH ARMS 

FRASIER 

GIL what on earth happened? 

GIL 

I just happened to be walking up the stairs at the station behind Evelyn and her father. Unfortunately my eye line matched her posterior. The last thing I remember was Mr. William's foot "accidentally" swinging out and me bouncing down the stairs. 

MARTIN 

You have medical insurance right Fras? 

FRASIER 

Then why are you here if you're feeling that bad? 

GIL 

Mr Williams insisted. He's excepting no excuses for absences. 

FRASIER 

But it's not his party. 

GIL 

He doesn't care. And since contract negotiations are coming around, now is not the time to be without medical insurance taking into consideration the amount of physical therapy I'm going to need. And possibly even a cat scan. I'm sure I had a bigger field of vision then this before. 

KENNY ENTERS WITH A BLACK EYE 

FRASIER 

Kenny! Oh no what happened? Has Mr. Williams had a little chat with you as well? 

KENNY 

No GIL elbowed me in the face with his plaster casts on the way back from the hospital. 

FRASIER 

Then why were you at the hospital as well? 

KENNY 

Mr. Williams broke my finger. 

FRASIER 

Shouldn't you just go home Gill? 

GIL 

No I like my liver. After all these years I've become rather attached to it. 

FRASIER 

But how are you going to do anything? 

GIL 

I hadn't realised I was the cabaret act you'd booked. 

FRASIER 

I meant like go to the bathroom. 

GIL 

With great difficulty. 

FRASIER 

Maybe I should just call your wife. 

GIL 

Deb? Dear God no. She can crush a watermelon with one hand. I can do without her assistance in that department thank you very much. 

ROZ ENTERS RATHER HURRIEDLY 

ROZ 

Warning, they're coming! 

FRASIER RUNS AND EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

Well done son, that's the mature thing to do. 

EVELYN AND CHRIS ENTER

EVELYN 

Where's Frasier? 

ROZ 

I'm not sure he's here. 

EVELYN GLANCES TOWARDS THE KITCHEN AND CAN JUST ABOUT MAKE OUT FRASIER'S OUTLINE 

EVELYN 

Oh I love it when they play hard to get. 

EVELYN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER IS ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES HIDING BEHIND THE ISLAND AS EVELYN ENTERS. SHE IMMEDIATELY SEES HIM 

EVELYN (CONT'D) 

Hello Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Oh hello there Evelyn. 

FRASIER GETS UP OFF THE FLOOR BUT BACKS AWAY FROM EVELYN 

EVELYN 

So how about you give me a tour of the apartment. I'd love to see the bedroom. 

FRASIER 

You see Evelyn I can't. Now I think that you're a really lovely person but...I'm seeing someone else. 

EVELYN 

(HURT) Don't lie to me. 

FRASIER 

I'm not I'm actually engaged. 

EVELYN 

To who? 

FRASIER 

To... 

DAPHNE ENTERS AND TAKES TWO GLASSES OUT OF THE CUPBOARD 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Daphne! 

AS FRASIER GRABS DAPHNE AND PUTS AN ARM AROUND HER MUCH TO HER CONFUSION WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(D) 

TITLE CARD: "YES YOU HEARD HIM RIGHT" 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Daphne, Frasier, Evelyn, Roz, Martin, Chris, Gill, Niles, Noel, Kenny) 

ALL THREE REMAIN AS BEFORE WITH FRASIER WITH HIS ARM AROUND DAPHNE AND EVELYN LOOKING AT THEM VERY SUSPICIOUSLY 

DAPHNE 

What? 

FRASIER 

I was just telling Evelyn about the engagement. 

EVELYN 

Yes and I'm very happy for you both. 

DAPHNE 

Thank you. 

FRASIER 

Yes thank you. 

FRASIER LEANS IN AND KISSES DAPHNE CAUSING HER EYES TO GROW EXTREMELY WIDE IN SHOCK 

DAPHNE 

What the bleedin' hell are you doing? 

FRASIER 

What can't I kiss my fiancée? 

DAPHNE 

(CONFUSED) Your what? 

FRASIER 

My fiancée, honey bun. 

FRASIER LOOKS AT DAPHNE PLEADINGLY UNTIL SHE CATCHES OUT AND PECKS HIS CHEEK 

DAPHNE 

Oh right of course yes. I just like to hear you say it that's all. 

EVELYN 

So how long have you been together? 

A BEAT 

FRASIER/DAPHNE 

(SUDDENLY) Two years/Eight years. 

EVELYN 

Excuse me? 

FRASIER AND DAPHNE BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER 

DAPHNE 

We mean we've been together for two years but it feels like eight. 

EVELYN 

How nice for you. Well if you'll excuse me I need a stiff drink. 

FRASIER 

Not at all, the bar is right out there. 

EVELYN GLARES AT THEM BOTH BEFORE EXITING. ONCE SHE IS OUT OF THE ROOM DAPHNE FORCES FRASIER TO LET GO BEFORE SLAPPING HIM ACROSS THE ARM 

DAPHNE 

Are you insane? 

FRASIER 

That would be the general consensus yes. 

DAPHNE 

There's a room full of people out there who know the truth. Within five minutes she'll know the truth and will have you sucking on a bottle of drain cleaner. 

FRASIER 

Then help me spread the word to Roz and Dad to make sure that she doesn't get the chance to talk to anyone about it. 

DAPHNE 

What do you suggest Morse code or messenger pigeon? 

FRASIER 

How about a little less attitude. 

DAPHNE 

Well I can try. 

FRASIER AND DAPHNE EXIT FROM THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND DAPHNE ENTER THE ROOM THAT IS NOW IN FULL SWING. TO THE FAR RIGHT OF THE ROOM MARTIN IS TALKING TO CHRIS AND EVELYN, WHILE GILL STRUGGLES ON THE COUCH AND ROZ CHATS TO SEVERAL PEOPLE BY THE ISLAND. DAPHNE IMMEDIATELY MOVES TOWARDS ROZ AS FRASIER MINGLES 

ROZ 

Hi Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

I'm engaged to Dr. Crane. 

ROZ 

Yeah I know, I ate the ring remember. I thought you'd got past the Dr. Crane thing. You can call him Niles you know. 

DAPHNE 

No I mean Frasier. 

ROZ 

Excuse me? 

DAPHNE 

During one of his frequent bouts of insanity he told that woman that wants him, we're engaged. 

ROZ 

Note the complete lack of gasps from this side of the room. So I take it for Christmas you decided to dump Niles, marry his brother and give him a small but deadly embolism? 

DAPHNE 

It's better then a tie. 

ROZ 

There's a lot more thought in it. 

DAPHNE 

Exactly. It would even make a good Valentine's Day present. 

ROZ 

Who doesn't want possibly fatal surgery? And they say romance is dead. 

FRASIER MAKES HIS WAY OVER TO MARTIN 

FRASIER 

Dad, Dad, I need to talk to you. 

MARTIN 

Yeah just a second. 

CHRIS 

But that's not the biggest bear I've killed. Now he was about ten feet tall and I didn't even use a gun. 

EVELYN 

He used his hands. 

FRASIER 

Dad I really need to talk to you. 

MARTIN 

Just a second. So you really killed it with your bare hands? 

CHRIS 

Of course. I can crush pretty much anything to death with my hands, it's a skill I've developed. 

FRASIER 

Dad! 

MARTIN 

What? 

FRASIER 

I have to tell you something. 

MARTIN 

What's GIL doing with that pate? 

FRASIER 

Oh my God! I'll be right back. 

FRASIER RUSHES TO GIL WHO IS STRUGGLING TO WIPE SOME PATE OFF THE COUCH 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

GIL what are you doing? 

GIL 

Reliving that vile pate over and over again. 

FRASIER 

I made that. 

GIL 

Exactly. 

FRASIER 

It's all over my couch. 

GIL 

Well I'm sorry Frasier, but I'm ever so slightly broken in many places. Will you help me clean up please? 

FRASIER 

Of course. 

FRASIER HELPS GIL UP AND TOWARDS THE BATHROOM PASSING PAST MARTIN 

EVELYN 

And are you pleased with Frasier's choice for a fiancée? 

MARTIN 

Fiancée? Frasier's not... 

FRASIER DROPS GIL ON THE COUCH AND RUSHES BACK TO MARTIN 

FRASIER 

I'll be right back. Dad! 

GIL 

Just when I thought there wasn't anything left to be broken. 

FRASIER 

Dad I really need to talk to you right now. 

MARTIN 

It can't be that important. 

FRASIER 

Someone's drunk all your beer. 

MARTIN 

(SHOUTS) What?!? 

FRASIER 

Ok calm down that was a lie to get you over here. The truth is... 

FRASIER MOVES MARTIN AWAY FROM CHRIS AND EVELYN 

MARTIN 

That was a cheep and dirty trick. Couldn't you have said Niles had been butchered instead? 

FRASIER 

The grief of having your youngest son chopped up and scattered around Seattle is less then the grief caused by someone drinking your beer? 

MARTIN 

Sure make me look like the bad guy why don't you. You're the one shouting that all my beer is gone. 

FRASIER 

Will you just listen? 

MARTIN 

What? 

FRASIER 

Dad, Dad I'm engaged to Daphne. 

MARTIN 

No son, that's your brother. Now let's go and have a little lie down with a cold press on your head and your hands tied to the bed. 

FRASIER 

I'm pretending to be engaged to Daphne to get Evelyn to leave me alone. 

MARTIN 

I know I understood, now let's go and have a lie down. 

FRASIER 

Just cooperate will you. 

MARTIN 

Hey you're the one that won't lie down. 

FRASIER 

But there's nothing wrong with me. 

MARTIN 

That's open to opinion. 

NILES ENTERS AND WALKS STRAIGHT OVER TO DAPHNE 

NILES 

Hello there. 

HE GOES TO KISS HER BUT SHE PUSHES HIM AWAY 

DAPHNE 

Oh good Dr. Crane I need to speak to you. 

NILES 

Dr. Crane? Have I walked through some sort of time warp? 

DAPHNE 

I'll explain in a moment. 

NILES 

Is this going to give me a headache? 

DAPHNE 

Probably. 

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER THE KITCHEN BEFORE SHE CHECKS THAT NO ONE CAN HEAR THEM SPEAK 

NILES 

Oh good I haven't had an enjoyable migraine for so long. What is it? 

DAPHNE 

To get Evelyn to leave him alone, your brother told her he was engaged to me. 

NILES 

(SHOUTS) He what? 

DAPHNE 

So you'll have to keep your hands to yourself tonight. 

NILES 

So will he of he knows what's good for him. Has she taken the bait? 

DAPHNE 

Hook, line and sinker. 

NILES 

I don't see how this will solve the problem. 

DAPHNE 

Why not? It's solved. 

NILES 

In the short term yes. But she'll be at the station for a long time. In the long term she'll expect to attend a wedding. And although I love my brother and would do anything for him, I have to draw the line at you two settling down together and having a couple of kids to fend off an unwanted admirer and an unpleasant violent death. When you become Mrs. Crane I want it to be Mrs. Niles Crane. 

DAPHNE 

My God Mrs. Crane, that's a frightening thought. 

NILES 

Why? 

DAPHNE 

Because to me Mrs. Crane has always been Maris. To compete with the image I'll have to start eating a cracker a day, lock myself in a room with no sunlight and make you sleep across the hall. 

NILES 

Well you're a step there you're already engaged to my brother. 

DAPHNE 

You've become very protective all of a sudden. Have your caveman instincts suddenly kicked in? 

NILES 

Maybe. It won't be long before I start to carry a club around, grunt and drag you around the apartment by your hair. 

DAPHNE 

Now you're just trying to seduce me, my future brother-in-law. 

THEY KISS AS NOEL ENTERS

NOEL 

Wow sorry. 

NOEL EXITS AS THEY BREAK THE KISS 

DAPHNE 

Ok enough of that that could have been Evelyn. And you can be sure that if her father does kill him, he'll be straight round to your place to haunt you. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

GILL SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH LOOKING UP PLEADINGLY AT ROZ

ROZ 

No 

GIL 

Roz please? 

ROZ 

In how many languages do I have to say no to you? I'll get an interpreter, a guy to translate into sign language and Noel to sign into Klingon if you want. 

GIL 

Did you ever think how hard it is for me to ask? 

MARTIN WALKS PAST THEM 

ROZ 

Obviously not hard enough. Here's Martin he'll help you in the bathroom, he's a man. 

MARTIN 

I won't be if I do that. They could have kicked me out of the army for something like that. 

ROZ 

How about Kenny? He's already nearly blind from your trip to the hospital. 

GIL 

Oh forget it. I wouldn't want to put everyone out. I do have a shred of dignity left. 

GILL GETS UP OFF THE COUCH AND WALKS TO THE BATHROOM WITH GREAT DIFFICULTY. HE THEN STRUGGLES TO OPEN THE DOOR. WHEN HE DOES HE CAN'T GET HIS ARMS THROUGH THE DOOR. HE EVENTUALLY HAS TO BEND OVER AND GO IN SIDEWAYS, BEFORE AGAIN STRUGGLING TO CLOSE THE DOOR AND EXITS

MARTIN 

That's certainly open to debate. 

NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN AND CALL FRASIER OVER TO THEM 

NILES 

Frasier we need to talk to you. I don't see how this little plan of your is going to work. 

FRASIER 

It is working. Do you see her all over me like some contagious rash? It'll be fine as long as we keep our affectionate displays looking realistic in front of her. 

NILES 

What affectionate displays? 

DAPHNE 

Just keep telling yourself I'm engaged to you. 

NILES 

I still don't see how this will work, they'll expect a wedding. 

FRASIER 

I'll tell her we've broken up before then. 

NILES 

But everyone at the station knows you're not together. 

FRASIER 

Well then your mission should you choice to accept it is to make sure none of them find out what's going on. 

DAPHNE 

It's amazing you've never worked for the CIA. 

FRASIER 

Now go. 

KENNY WALKS OVER TO THEM BEFORE THEY CAN MOVE 

KENNY 

Hey Doc, I didn't know you and Daphne were engaged. 

DAPHNE 

(QUIETLY) Which one of you is he talking to? 

FRASIER 

I'm not sure. Play it by ear. 

KENNY 

Congratulations. 

FRASIER AND NILES BOTH PUT THEIR HANDS OUT TO BE SHOOK. WHEN KENNY TAKES FRASIER'S HAND, NILES COVERS UP BY RAISING HIS HAND AND RUNNING IT THROUGH HIS HAIR 

NILES 

It wasn't quite the shortest mission in history but it was pretty close. 

FRASIER 

Thank you Kenny. 

DAPHNE 

Yes, thank you. 

KENNY 

You've certainly kept that quiet. 

FRASIER 

Well we didn't like to discuss it, for...for... 

DAPHNE 

For so many reasons. 

KENNY 

I'm not surprised. I always thought you and Niles were dating. 

FRASIER 

He's my brother! Yes we happen to spend a lot of time together and yes we went to the prom together but that does not mean... 

DAPHNE 

He meant me you daft apoth. 

KENNY 

Well weren't you? 

DAPHNE 

Erm...yes but... 

FRASIER 

But... 

NILES 

But I could see the love in their eyes and I just couldn't stand in their way. 

KENNY 

That was very noble. 

NILES 

Wasn't it though? 

FRASIER 

And now we're together. 

FRASIER PUTS HIS ARM AROUND DAPHNE AND KISSES HER 

NILES 

Excuse me I have to do something. 

KENNY 

What? 

NILES 

Jab a pen in my eye. 

NILES WALKS TO THE BAR 

KENNY 

Still bitter? 

FRASIER 

Not so that you'd notice. 

FRASIER AND DAPHNE MOVE OVER TO NILES 

DAPHNE 

Now what do we do? 

NILES 

You have no choice but to announce it. 

DAPHNE 

Yes then dump me later. 

FRASIER 

Why? 

DAPHNE 

We're bound to run into someone in the future from the station and I'm not about to start seeing my real fiancée in secret. 

NILES 

Yes and plus, if you make the end brutal, Evelyn will see what kind of person you are and loose interest anyway. 

FRASIER 

You know you've got a point there. 

DAPHNE 

So are you going to do it? 

FRASIER 

(SHOUTS) Everyone can I have your attention please? 

DAPHNE 

Does he ever think things over? 

NILES 

Only important things like wine selection. 

FRASIER 

I have an announcement to make. Daphne and I are engaged. 

AS EVERYONE APPLAUDS MARTIN AND ROZ RUSH OVER TO THEM 

MARTIN 

You do know it's not actually true right? 

FRASIER 

Of course I do. 

ROZ 

Then you've obviously lost your mind. Someone help me find it quick before he tries to marry me as well. 

DAPHNE 

Kenny found out so we had to announce it. 

MARTIN 

So? They won't be expecting you to consummate it in front of them as well you know. 

DAPHNE 

Because that's definitely not in my job description. 

FRASIER 

This way I can now dump Daphne in an hour or so and Evelyn will think I'm some sort of cold-hearted fiend and won't be interested anymore. 

ROZ 

But you've just announced it. Won't that make you seem a little nutty? 

FRASIER 

Another major turnoff. 

NILES 

Well hopefully she'll be sufficiently turned off before you start biting the feet off rabbits. 

MARTIN 

So when are you going to do it? 

FRASIER 

In an hour or so. 

KENNY PICKS UP THE PHONE OFF THE ISLAND 

KENNY 

Hey Doc, can I use your phone? 

FRASIER 

Sure. Calling home? 

KENNY 

No the station, I've got to get them to announce the great news. 

FRASIER 

Or maybe I'll do it now. (SHOUTS) For God's sake Daphne stop being so possessive. 

DAPHNE 

(QUIETLY) What of? 

FRASIER 

(QUIETLY) I don't know improvise. 

DAPHNE 

(SHOUTS) Oh but Dr. Crane... 

NILES 

(QUIETLY) Frasier. 

DAPHNE 

(SHOUTS) I mean Frasier, it's my can opener, I bought it. 

FRASIER 

(QUIETLY) Can opener? 

DAPHNE 

(QUIETLY) I'm sorry. 

FRASIER 

(SHOUTS) But you always do it. Sometimes you smother me. 

MARTIN 

Something that we'd all like to do. 

FRASIER 

(SHOUTS) That's it Daphne. It's over. Haul your English ass out of here sister. 

DAPHNE PRETENDS TO BREAK DOWN IN TEARS 

ROZ 

What was that? 

FRASIER 

I'm trying to look boorish. 

ROZ 

I thought you were going for grade A fruit loop, but you say potato, I say _potato_. 

KENNY 

Doc, I'm shocked. 

FRASIER 

Well I'm sorry but meet the real Frasier Crane, Kenny. The man who is cruel, uses women like tissues and takes candy off babies. 

MARTIN 

Like you have the strength to do that. 

FRASIER 

And I like the real me. I'm sick of living this charade. 

EVELYN 

I've never wanted you more. 

FRASIER RUSHES TO DAPHNE AND HUGS HER 

FRASIER 

Oh Daphne I'm so sorry. It was in the heat of the moment. Please forgive me. 

DAPHNE 

What are you doing? 

FRASIER 

Having a stroke. Come into the kitchen. 

FRASIER AND DAPHNE EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN WITH NILES FOLLOWING 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER, DAPHNE AND NILES ALL ENTER INTO THE KITCHEN 

NILES 

What's wrong now? 

FRASIER 

That's just made her want me more. 

DAPHNE 

Oh just face the inevitable. You've lived a full life. 

FRASIER 

No I won't give up. I'll think of something. 

DAPHNE 

You'd better do it quick because after tonight Niles and I are not hiding. 

FRASIER 

Fine. 

FRASIER EXITS AS NILES FROWNS AFTER HIM 

DAPHNE 

You can stop pulling that frowning face now. It's your brother, not some random man off the street. 

NILES 

I know. But now that we're finally together I don't want to hide it. 

DAPHNE 

Oh come here. 

DAPHNE HUGS NILES 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

EVELYN, GIL AND NOEL ALL STAND BY THE ISLAND 

EVELYN 

Twenty bucks says it won't last. 

GIL 

I'd take that bet but I can't actually put my hand in my pocket. 

NOEL 

I thought she was dating Dr. Crane. 

EVELYN 

She is. 

NOEL 

No, Dr. Crane's brother. 

GIL 

I did think that myself. 

EVELYN 

What makes you so sure? 

NOEL 

I saw her kissing him in the kitchen about ten minutes ago. 

EVELYN 

Really? 

EVELYN QUICKLY EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

NILES AND DAPHNE ARE KISSING AS EVELYN ENTERS AND DROPS HER GLASS ON THE FLOOR 

EVELYN (CONT'D) 

Oh my God! Frasier! Frasier get in here! 

NILES AND DAPHNE BREAK THE KISS AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER 

What is it? 

EVELYN 

You're fiancée is seeing your brother behind your back. 

NILES 

No we're not. 

FRASIER 

See they're not. 

EVELYN 

I saw them. 

DAPHNE 

No he was looking in my eye. 

FRASIER 

(SUDDENLY THINKING) No wait! You were weren't you? 

NILES 

No. 

FRASIER 

No you were. 

DAPHNE 

(QUIETLY) What are you doing? 

FRASIER 

(QUIETLY) Just go with me. 

NILES 

Ok we were. 

FRASIER 

(ACTING DISTRAUGHT) Oh the betrayal. Oh the horror. Oh my aching heart. 

DAPHNE 

Get the Oscar ready. 

NILES 

What to club him with? 

EVELYN PUTS HER ARM AROUND HIM 

EVELYN 

Oh my poor baby. Look what you've done to him. 

FRASIER 

You were the love of my life. 

EVELYN 

Will you be OK? 

FRASIER 

I don't know if I'll ever be able to love again. 

NILES 

You just need time to heal. 

DAPHNE 

A long, long, long time to heal. 

EVELYN 

I'll wait for you. 

FRASIER 

It may be a long time. I'm talking about long grey hair and beard kind of long time. 

EVELYN 

I'll wait for you. I'll give you space until you're ready. 

FRASIER 

Thank you. 

EVELYN GLARES AND POINTS AT NILES AND DAPHNE 

EVELYN 

I just hope my father never finds out how you've treating his number one talent at the station. God knows what he could do in a jealous rage. 

EVELYN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

NILES 

Quick who can I pretend to be engaged to? 

AS FRASIER STARTS TO SIGH A BIG SIGN OF RELIEF, WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: THE PARTY IS IN FULL SWING WITH EVERYONE GATHERED AROUND THE PIANO SINGING CHRISTMAS CAROLS EXPECT GIL WHO IS SITTING ON THE COUCH. GIL STRUGGLES TO GET UP TO JOIN THEM BUT SLIPS AND FALLS OFF THE COUCH BEFORE HE CAN AND DISAPPEARS BETWEEN THE COUCH AND THE TABLE. EDDIE THEN RUNS FROM OFF MARTIN'S CHAIR AND JUMPS ON GILL, WHO OBVIOUSLY SCREAMS AND CAUSES EVERYONE TO COME RUNNING


	9. Episode Nine

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_All feedback will be treated like the Holy Grail that it is so please send it to Kelly_simba@hotmail.com _

_Good luck to my boys in West Bromwich on Sunday. No matter what happens I have never been prouder of you. It just proves what you can achieve with a little hard work. _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Nine Episode Nine   
10 Things I Hate About You 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: "WILL HE BE ELIGIBLE FOR AN EMMY?" 

FADE IN: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Roz, Frasier, Kenny, Fern (VO), Messenger) 

FRASIER AND ROZ SIT ON THEIR RESPECTIVE SIDES OF THE GLASS PARTITION IN THE BOOTH. THEY ARE CURRENTLY NOT ON AIR AS FRASIER SITS STARING AT ROZ WITH A LOST PUPPY EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE 

ROZ 

Stop pulling that pathetic face at me and start concentrating on your callers. I've seen dead puppies with more focus then you. And they no longer have eyes. 

FRASIER 

What kind of producer are you when you put the callers needs ahead of mine? I am the star of this show. No matter how I feel I twinkle everyday. Without me this would just be another boring stuffed shirt programme clogging up the airwaves and driving everyone to drink. 

ROZ 

I'm sorry, I forgot what point we were making. And of course the callers haven't contributed to the success of this call-in show at all? 

FRASIER 

Well I'd be lying if the occasional slack jawed yokel who was secretly dating his sister who coincidentally also just happened to be his narcoleptic daughter who was covered from head to toe in tattoos, didn't boost the ratings a little, but I am the heart and soul of the show. 

ROZ 

Did you see him on the cover of Life magazine after he phoned in here? He's probably one of the most famous people in the country. He's made incest popular again. 

FRASIER 

Ah yes, something that was still on my to do list. Wasn't he wearing a pair of squirrel slippers in that photo? 

ROZ 

That's right. He removed their eyes and made cuff links from them. 

FRASIER 

It's just a shame he wasn't wearing the slippers on his feet. I know I'll never wear earmuffs again. 

ROZ 

We should be earning commission off that guy for launching his career. 

FRASIER 

I don't think we should try to take any of the credit for "Cooking Delights" with Ned and his volatile wombat Angelo, it's not exactly a great cultural step forward for this great country of ours. 

ROZ 

Yeah but I notice you were front of the line to get your cookery book signed. 

FRASIER 

That was for Daphne. 

ROZ 

Do you think you're going to be able to concentrate now? Or do I need to remove all shiny objects from view so they won't distract you? 

FRASIER 

  
(DISAPPOINTED) No I'll be fine now... 

KENNY WALKS PAST THE BOOTH AS FRASIER JUMPS TO HIS FEET AND OPENS THE DOOR TO SPEAK TO HIM 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Oh Kenny! Has it come yet? 

KENNY 

No, not yet. You've got to stop being so obsessive about every single tiny little...Ooh donuts. 

KENNY EXITS RUNNING AROUND THE CORNER AS FRASIER SHUTS THE DOOR, SITS BACK DOWN AND PUTS HIS HEADPHONES ON 

FRASIER 

What is taking so long? 

ROZ 

They obviously don't think that my ears bleed enough with your constant whining. 

FRASIER 

I don't whine. 

ROZ 

Then you do an amazing impression of it. When I accidentally decapitated Alice's favourite stuffed rabbit in the car door the other day she didn't whine as much all day as you've done in the space of an hour. There was even stuffing all over the back seat, she sat in it's remains for an hour. I'm surprised she hasn't tried to call into the show. 

FRASIER 

And you're comparing my plight to a headless toy rabbit? 

ROZ 

Hey at least Alice had dignity. 

ROZ GIVES FRASIER THE SIGNAL AND HE GOES BACK ON AIR 

FRASIER 

Hello Seattle we're back. On the line is Fern who was kind enough to stay with us during our newsbreak. Fern your problem is certainly a complicated one. 

FERN (VO) 

Dr. Crane I just don't know what to do, I'm so confused and depressed. 

FRASIER 

Fern, the board is rather slow today, so if you have some time I can go into detail to try to help you with your problem. 

FERN (VO) 

That would be great Dr. Crane. 

A MESSENGER ENTERS INTO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH AND HANDS HER A MAGAZINE BEFORE EXITING

FRASIER 

OK, now this all stems from... 

ROZ HOLDS THE MAGAZINE UP TO THE GLASS 

FRASIER 

Oh, oh...it's here! 

FERN (VO) 

Excuse me? 

FRASIER 

You just need to develop a little patience. Stop whining. You'll get that kidney transplant soon enough. We'll be back after this. 

FRASIER GOES OFF AIR, QUICKLY PULLS HIS HEADPHONES OFF AND BURSTS INTO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Roz let me have it. 

ROZ 

Only if you promise not to cry if you're not in it. I don't want the switchboard to fuse again. I got so much static electricity from it last time that my head kept sticking to the wall. 

ROZ HANDS FRASIER THE MAGAZINE AND HE BEGINS FLICKING THROUGH IT FRANTICALLY 

FRASIER 

OK we have a deal. Except I had my fingers crossed. 

ROZ TRIES TO TAKE IT BACK BUT CAN'T GRAB IT 

ROZ 

Give it back. 

FRASIER 

No it's mine, back off. Now let's see the fifty hottest people in Seattle. Where am I this year? 

ROZ 

Probably in the smacked repeatedly with a frying pan column. Look you're not in it. There's no way you made it past twenty. 

FRASIER 

  
(ECSTATIC) Oh what have we here? Number fourteen Dr. Frasier Crane! Finally my day has come. 

ROZ 

Obviously these writers don't get out a lot. If at all. 

FRASIER 

It's official I am the fourteenth hottest person in Seattle. 

FRASIER GIVES THE MAGAZINE TO ROZ TO LOOK AT 

ROZ 

Well we always knew you were full of hot air. No way! You beat Brad McNamara. But he's so pretty I just want to kiss him all over. 

FRASIER 

What does that make me then? 

ROZ 

More like, what does that make the writers? Some sort of half blind goblins that live under bridges. Suddenly my world doesn't make quite as much sense. 

FRASIER 

Now on with my show, my adoring public is waiting. 

ROZ 

Oh don't make me hurl, it won't look pretty on the glass. I had a lasagne for lunch. 

FRASIER GOES BACK INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH AND GOES BACK ON AIR AS ROZ CONTINUES TO LOOK THROUGH THE MAGAZINE 

FRASIER 

Hello Seattle I'm back. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, freshly crowned fourteenth hottest person is Seattle. So now back to... 

ROZ HOLDS THE MAGAZINE AGAINST THE GLASS AGAIN SHOWING A PICTURE OF NILES 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

...more commercials. 

FRASIER GOES OFF AIR AND ENTERS INTO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH BEFORE SNATCHING THE MAGAZINE BACK 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

What is Niles doing in there? 

ROZ 

Guess who is number ten. 

FRASIER 

What? 

ROZ 

It's right there in black and white. Niles is officially hotter then you are. Now I know for a fact that these writers are deranged. 

AS FRASIER ENTERS BACK INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH LOOKING EXTREMELY ANNOYED WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Niles, Frasier, Roz, Woman) 

FRASIER SITS LOOKING MISERABLE IN NERVOSA AS NILES PICKS UP HIS COFFEE OFF THE COUNTER AND WALKS OVER TO FRASIER 

NILES 

Hello Frasier. Do you mind if I join you? 

FRASIER 

  
(SNAPPY) If you have to. 

NILES SITS DOWN 

NILES 

Are you OK? 

FRASIER 

  
(SARCASTIC) Oh just dandy. 

NILES 

What's the matter with you? Just ask the dry cleaner to re-align your pleats, I'm sure they won't charge you. 

FRASIER 

Don't play coy with me Niles. You may be trying to bait me but I won't bite. I am much more mature then you are you big baby. 

NILES 

What are you talking about? 

FRASIER 

Your entry in Seattle magazine. 

NILES 

I'm in Seattle magazine? What for? 

FRASIER 

Well we were both on their fifty hottest people in Seattle list. You haven't seen it? 

NILES 

No. Was it a big piece? 

FRASIER 

It was hardly a piece. It was tiny; in fact I wouldn't even waste my money on a copy if I were you. Just forget about it. 

A BEAT 

NILES 

What number was I? 

FRASIER 

I thought we were forgetting it. I hardly remember. Oh well, what a shame. 

NILES 

Well who was highest? 

FRASIER 

I don't recall. 

ROZ ENTERS AND SITS DOWN BETWEEN THEM 

NILES 

It's a shame we don't have a copy. 

FRASIER 

Yes it is. 

ROZ PRODUCES THE MAGAZINE FROM HER BAG AND GIVES IT TO NILES 

ROZ 

Then it's a good job I fished yours out the trash before I left the office. Here you go. Do either of you know how to reattach a decapitated head? 

NILES STARTS TO FLICK THROUGH IT 

FRASIER 

No but I'd learn fast if I were you because yours is about to roll down the street like a bowling ball. 

ROZ 

What's the problem? He was going to find out eventually. Actually I should have held on to it to black mail you with in the future. Oh well I'll just have to go back to threatening to scratch your car with my keys. You nearly dropped a lung screaming the last time I threatened to. 

NILES 

  
(SHOCKED) I'm number ten? 

ROZ 

That is pretty impressive. How much did you pay them to include you? A thousand dollars? Free therapy? A quick glimpse at your Elizabethan brothel kitchen spatula? 

NILES 

Nothing. Well, well, well number ten. 

FRASIER 

  
(BITTER) Yes well congratulations Bo Derek, can we get back to our coffee? 

NILES 

What number are you? 

ROZ 

In my opinion a zero. But they didn't ask me. He's number fourteen. 

FRASIER 

Roz! 

ROZ 

And he's a little bitter about it. Not that you'd notice from that pouting lip. And what are you Rozing me for? He's a clever boy and the magazine is right in front of him, he would have found out before you have the chance to burn every copy in the city. 

NILES 

Number fourteen is a perfectly reasonable entry. 

FRASIER 

Don't patronise me. 

NILES 

Oh come on Frasier is doesn't actually mean anything. The views of these people don't mean anything. They don't even know us. So who really cares? 

FRASIER 

I guess you're right. 

NILES 

So let's just enjoy our coffee. 

ROZ 

But let's get to the point at hand, how do I attach this rodent's head back on? 

FRASIER 

That is not how we enjoy our coffee, talking about maimed stuffed animals. 

ROZ 

I wasn't talking to you, I want the opinion of someone in the top ten. 

FRASIER 

I thought it didn't matter. 

NILES 

And it doesn't. It's dropped. 

A WOMAN ENTERS AND WALKS STRAIGHT OVER TO NILES 

WOMAN 

Oh my God, you're that guy from the top ten. This is so exciting, can I get you to sign my magazine? 

NILES 

Of course. 

ROZ 

Frasier start to breathe or that vein in your forehead is going to explode. 

AS NILES GOES TO SIGN THE MAGAZINE AND FRASIER FUMES WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

TITLE CARD: "MOVE OVER DARLING" 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/1   
(Daphne, Frasier, Roz, Niles, Martin) 

DAPHNE SITS ON THE COUCH SOWING A SMALL FLUFFY RABBIT WITH ROZ SITTING NEXT TO HER WATCHING AS FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR RATHER VIOLENTLY AND ENTERS, SLAMMING IT BEHIND HIM 

DAPHNE 

There's an entrance that makes you want to go running for the hills if I wasn't so afraid you'd burn my house down and rape my cattle. Have you burnt your mouth on your latte again? 

FRASIER 

No, it's nothing that petty. Roz how did you get here so fast? 

ROZ 

Well while you sulked around outside Nervosa with your bottom lip scraping along the floor, I got in my car and drove here. It's not a terribly difficult concept to grasp. 

FRASIER 

What are you doing here anyway? 

ROZ 

I've already told you, I need a head attached. 

DAPHNE 

And apparently I'm the woman for the job. Look at that perfect! 

DAPHNE HANDS ROZ THE RABBIT 

ROZ 

Daphne that's great...in a kind of mutated Glen Close kind of way. 

DAPHNE 

What's wrong with it? 

ROZ 

You were supposed to attach its head. 

DAPHNE 

I have. 

ROZ 

Yeah but with its neck attached to it's shoulders, not with its ear to its arm. It looks like it's playing basketball with it's own head. This is going to freak her out more then if I set fire to it right in front of her face. 

FRASIER POURS HIMSELF A SHERRY AND SLUMPS WITH A LONG SIGH ONTO THE COUCH 

DAPHNE 

What is wrong with you? Have you ever been told that if the wind blows your face will stick like that? 

FRASIER 

Have you ever been told don't cheek the person who signs your pay cheque? 

ROZ 

He's upset with Niles so expect a lot of backlash. 

DAPHNE 

Why what's he done now? 

FRASIER 

Oh like you don't know. 

NILES ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

NILES 

Hello all. 

ROZ 

Quick run away before the hair pulling and eye gauging starts. 

NILES KISSES DAPHNE ON HIS WAY TO HANGING UP HIS COAT 

DAPHNE 

Will someone please explain what's going on? 

NILES 

Have you seen this months Seattle Magazine? 

DAPHNE 

You know I don't read that. It's nothing but a group of pretentious fops talking about another group of pretentious fops. 

NILES 

Exactly. Have you seen who is number ten on their list of the 50 hottest people in Seattle? 

NILES HANDS DAPHNE THE MAGAZINE WITH THE RELEVANT PAGE OPEN 

DAPHNE 

Oh my God, it's you. 

ROZ 

That's right and Frasier is number fourteen. 

FRASIER GLARES AT ROZ 

ROZ 

Oh don't waste your death rays on me, I didn't write it. 

DAPHNE 

Hang on, what does this mean? 

ROZ 

It means that the world is about to end and no one at that magazine has any taste. 

DAPHNE 

No under this photo of me and Niles, it says 'Dr. Niles Crane and friend.' 

FRASIER 

So? 

DAPHNE 

We're engaged and it doesn't mention it at all in here. 'Friend' sounds like some woman you picked up off the street and promised her a night out in exchange for a quick one up against the garden fence. 

NILES 

You could almost be describing Roz. 

DAPHNE 

You don't find this at all upsetting? 

NILES 

Erm...no. 

DAPHNE EXITS TO HER ROOM AS NILES WATCHES AFTER HER 

NILES 

That was the wrong answer wasn't it? 

FRASIER 

Oh I'd say so. Have fun Niles. 

NILES EXITS AFTER DAPHNE 

ROZ 

You've changed your tune. 

FRASIER 

Well it's not all fun and games being on the top ten. 

MARTIN ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR WITH EDDIE

MARTIN 

Hey Roz. 

ROZ 

Oh hi Martin. 

EDDIE JUMPS UP ON THE COUCH AND STARTS TO CHEW THE RABBIT 

ROZ 

Wait Eddie no, bad dog. 

ROZ PULLS THE RABBIT OFF HIM 

MARTIN 

I'm so sorry. Did he do all that damage? 

FRASIER 

The disembowelment yes but the rest was done by the hack hand of Daphne. 

MARTIN 

You let Daphne sow for you? 

ROZ 

Yeah why? 

FRASIER 

She's not exactly the best. You wouldn't want her stitching you up in causality. You'd end up like Frankenstein's ugly brother with a leg where your ear should be. She kitted me a sweater with three arms once. 

MARTIN 

Do you remember that tent she knitted me? 

ROZ 

I thought that was a dress. 

FRASIER 

It was a woolly hat. She can't seem to stop knitting. If that hat had got any bigger, it could have been laid in a field for the sheep to graze on. Then when they're sheared, they'd produce a lovely crop of grass. 

FRASIER EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

ROZ 

I've got to do something with this thing, I'd rather not traumatise Alice for life just yet. I want to wait until she's at least seven or eight. 

MARTIN 

Give it here, I'll have a go. 

ROZ 

You can sow? 

MARTIN 

If you tell anyone, I'll deny it, say the only sowing I've ever done was teaching criminals to sow mailbags and I'll hunt you down in the night. 

ROZ 

OK we have a deal and you can have really scary eyes when you put your mind to it. 

NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM HER ROOM, NILES PRACTICALLY DRAGGING DAPHNE 

NILES 

Frasier did you know that we'll be invited to a celebratory dinner because of this magazine article? 

FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

I had been told something along those lines. It'll be nice to have an elegant evening out together. 

ROZ 

Oh you won't be together. I bet they'll have all the top ten sitting together at the head table. 

FRASIER GLARES AT ROZ AGAIN BEFORE THEY BOTH EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN 

NILES 

  
(CREEPING) Yes when I tell everyone that Daphne and I are not friends but actually engaged. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

ROZ POURS HERSELF A GLASS OF WATER AS FRASIER LEANS UP THE COUNTER GRINNING TO HIMSELF 

ROZ 

That's a ridiculous grin. Winning the bitterest person at the dinner award is nothing to be happy about. 

FRASIER 

There'll be no need for that when I make Niles humiliate himself at dinner. 

ROZ 

And how exactly are you going to do that? 

FRASIER 

I'm not sure yet, but I can assure you it's going to be fiendishly evil. 

ROZ 

Oh barf! Let me out of here before you start stroking your imaginary cat and twitching your moustache. 

AS ROZ EXITS WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(D) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Roz) 

FRASIER POURS HIMSELF A DRINK WHILE NILES AND DAPHNE TALK BY THE DOOR 

NILES 

Daphne will you please calm down. 

DAPHNE 

She was hitting on you. 

NILES 

All she wanted was an autograph. 

DAPHNE 

Yeah, on her breasts. 

NILES 

Oh she was only joking. 

DAPHNE 

She took her top off. Or didn't you notice the police covering her up her cleavage and escorting her from the building. 

NILES 

Women ask for Frasier's autograph everyday, you don't think they're hitting on him. 

DAPHNE 

But you're hotter then he is. 

FRASIER 

Hey. 

DAPHNE 

There's no point heying, it's right there in black and white. 

FRASIER, NILES AND DAPHNE ALL EXIT

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WITH ROZ LEANING RIGHT OVER HIM STUFFING SOME KNITTING DOWN THE SIDE OF THE CHAIR AS FRASIER, NILES AN DAPHNE ENTER

NILES 

What are you doing? 

MARTIN 

Nothing? 

ROZ SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH 

ROZ 

What makes you think there's something going on? 

FRASIER 

Roz what are you doing to Dad's pants? 

ROZ 

That's a very good question. That Martin is going to answer for you. Aren't you? 

MARTIN 

Apparently so. I was just having some trouble with my...with my... 

ROZ 

With his zip. 

DAPHNE 

With your zip? 

MARTIN 

It's not a strange as it sounds, stop staring at us. 

FRASIER 

Ok then, but just bare in mind Roz, no matter what the outcome of this little misunderstanding is, I'm never calling you mother. 

ROZ 

That's reassuring to hear. But I'm not old enough to be mother to either of you, shut up Niles. 

NILES 

I never said a word. 

ROZ 

But that glint in your eye spoke volumes. 

NILES 

Then I'm sorry you had to hear that. Why do you have wool stuffed down the side of your chair? 

MARTIN 

Why not? 

DAPHNE 

That's not an answer. 

MARTIN 

It's not? Oh well, never mind. 

NILES 

Are you ready to go? 

DAPHNE 

What me to dinner, or your father to the loony bin? 

ROZ 

Lots of people have bits of sheep shoved down the side of their chairs, it's not so uncommon. 

FRASIER 

That explains why you couch has hooves and bleats every time you sit on it. 

DAPHNE 

That's romantic on a date. 

NILES 

Are you sure you don't want to come with us Frasier? 

FRASIER 

No I'll drive myself. 

NILES 

Suit yourself. 

FRASIER 

I'll see you there. 

NILES 

That's if I'll be able to see you all the way down there. 

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

FRASIER 

Damn him. 

ROZ 

If you weren't acting like such a baby, he wouldn't be taunting you. You're bringing it all down on yourself. 

MARTIN 

She's right. 

FRASIER 

Well thank you both so much. I always love the opinions on none Ph.D.'s. 

ROZ 

OK fine, but if you try to humiliate him, it'll only backfire. 

FRASIER 

That just proves how much you know. I will humiliate him, I will emerge triumphant and he will be as hot as Daphne's cooking. 

AS FRASIER EXITS OUT THE FRONT DOOR WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

FADE IN: 

INT. HOTEL LOBBY — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Brad, Mary, Guests) 

AS LOTS OF GUESTS ENTER INTO A LARGE BALLROOM TO THE RIGHT DAPHNE LEANS UP THE WALL WITH NILES AT HER FEET LOOKING AT HER SHOE THAT HAS THE HEEL BROKEN OFF 

DAPHNE 

I don't believe this. 

NILES 

Maybe we could attach it somehow. 

DAPHNE 

How? Unless you're in the habit of bringing a tube of dental adhesive out with you I'm out of luck. 

NILES 

Stick damn you. 

DAPHNE 

If that works, you're giving up psychiatry and we're travelling around the country so you can make your fortune as one of those television evangelists. 

NILES 

Maybe no one will notice. 

DAPHNE 

I look as if I was born on the side of a hill. 

NILES 

You act like that's a bad thing. 

DAPHNE 

How am I supposed to fend any woman off you, with one leg shorter then the other? The moment I start to run, I'll go around in circles before passing out and drooling. 

NILES 

Daphne where has this insecurity come from? I'm in love with you, I'm engaged to you, I'm going to marry you. I don't care what that magazine said. I only have eyes for you. 

FRASIER ENTERS AND IGNORING NILES HEADS FOR THE BALLROOM 

NILES (CONT'D) 

I'll be right back. 

NILES RUNS OVER TO FRASIER 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Are you not even going to speak to me now? 

FRASIER 

No. 

NILES 

Why are you being such a child about this? 

FRASIER 

You're the one that keeps rubbing it in my face. 

NILES 

I have not done that once...well not once when you didn't provoke me first. You're a celebrity, isn't that enough? 

FRASIER 

Well you'd think. 

FRASIER EXITS INTO THE BALLROOM AS DAPHNE HOBBLES OVER TO NILES AND LEANS UP AGAINST HIM 

DAPHNE 

Are you quite finished ditching me for your brother? If I wasn't insecure before I am now. 

NILES 

I'm sorry that was thoughtless. Let's go and sit down. 

NILES WALKS ON AHEAD DISTRACTED BY FRASIER LEAVING DAPHNE STRUGGLING TO STAND UP STRAIGHT ON THE SPOT 

DAPHNE 

Some help might be nice. 

NILES RUSHES BACK TO DAPHNE AND TAKES HER BY THE ARM 

NILES 

Lean on me. 

DAPHNE LEANS ON NILES AND THEY BEGIN TO MOVE QUICKLY TOWARDS THE BALLROOM, NILES ANXIOUS TO CATCH UP WITH FRASIER 

DAPHNE 

This is not a three-legged race. 

NILES 

But Frasier is ahead of us. 

DAPHNE 

So? You can be apart for more then an hour a day you know. He's not coming on our Honeymoon with us. The last thing I want is him curled up on the end of our bed. 

NILES 

That won't happen. The plane is probably fully booked by now. 

RESET TO: 

INT. HOTEL BALLROOM — EVENING — DAY/2

THE ROOM IS DECORATED WITH LARGE BANNERS FOR SEATTLE MAGAZINE AND PHOTO'S OF EVERYONE WHO IS IN THE TOP FIFTY. TO THE RIGHT OF THE ROOM IS THE BAR NEXT TO THE ENTRANCE, TO THE LEFT IS A PODIUM NEXT TO THE BAND, WITH DOZENS OF TABLES IN BETWEEN. THE PLACE IS FILLED WITH MINGLING PEOPLE, AS FRASIER TALKS TO BRAD TO THE LEFT. 

BRAD 

Frasier, nice to see you again. 

FRASIER 

Brad. It's been a while since the last broadcasting conference. 

NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER AND SIT DOWN AT THE NEAREST TABLE 

BRAD 

And how is Roz? 

FRASIER 

She's fine. 

BRAD 

So what number were you ranked as? 

FRASIER 

Does it really matter? 

BRAD 

Beaten by your brother were you? 

FRASIER 

But I still beat you. 

BRAD 

Don't say that too loud. This is how those dominatrix stories get leaked to the press. I'm still receiving bad press over the last time it happened. That's probably why I'm ranked so low this year. 

FRASIER 

But last time that story was true. 

BRAD 

That's what everyone thought, damn press. 

FRASIER 

They had photos of you leaving her house. 

BRAD 

Did you ever think that could be my mother? 

FRASIER 

Dear God I hope not. 

NILES STARTS TO STARE OVER AT FRASIER 

NILES 

What's Frasier saying to Brad McNamara? 

DAPHNE 

I'm struggling to lip read from here. Unless he's talking about donating a kidney so a hamster can have a transplant. 

NILES 

He's talking about me I can tell. 

DAPHNE 

How do you know that? 

FRASIER MOVES AWAY FROM BRAD TOWARDS THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM 

NILES 

I can just sense it. He's trying to run my name down. 

DAPHNE 

He's not. 

NILES 

Too right because I'm going to do it first. 

NILES WALKS OVER TO BRAD AS A WAITER WALKS PAST THE TABLE 

DAPHNE 

Can I have a glass of wine? A big one? Thanks. 

NILES SHAKES HANDS WITH BRAD 

NILES 

Hello, Niles Crane. 

BRAD 

Brad McNamara, pleased to meet you. I hear you made it to the top ten, congratulations. 

NILES 

OK let's cut to the chase, what were you talking to Frasier about? 

BRAD 

I really can't say, it's caused me enough trouble. 

NILES 

Would you tell me if I happen to let it slip that a certain brother of mine dated a stripper for a while? 

BRAD 

Maybe, and which brother would that be? 

NILES 

I only have one. 

BRAD 

So it's Frasier. 

NILES 

Obviously. 

AS BRAD GETS OUT A PAD AND WRITES IT DOWN MARY ENTERS FROM THE LOBBY AND WALKS PAST DAPHNE'S TABLE 

DAPHNE 

Excuse me, aren't you Mary Ackerman? 

MARY 

That's right. 

DAPHNE 

Hello Daphne Moon. I just love your show. Congratulations on your entry in this magazine thing. 

MARY 

Thank you. And where did you rank in it? 

DAPHNE 

Oh I'm not actually in it, I'm here with Niles Crane. 

MARY 

Oh yes that's it, I knew I knew your face. You're the friend he was pictured with. Oh and being a friend you'll be able to answer me a question, is he single? 

DAPHNE 

Actually we're not friends, we're engaged. 

MARY 

Oh I'm sorry. 

DAPHNE 

That's quite all right it was an easy mistake. 

MARY 

No I meant when they print 'friend' that generally means it's the end. 

MARY WALKS AWAY AS FRASIER SITS DOWN NEXT TO DAPHNE WITH HIS EYES FIRMLY STUCK ON NILES AND BRAD 

FRASIER 

Hello Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

Dr. Crane I need to talk to you about something... 

FRASIER 

What's Niles doing talking to Brad McNamara? 

DAPHNE 

That's not the problem it's... 

FRASIER 

He's spreading rumours about me isn't he? As if he hasn't pushed me down enough. Well two can play at that game. 

FRASIER GETS UP AND MOVES TOWARDS THE BAR AS THE WAITER WALKS PAST THE TABLE AGAIN 

DAPHNE 

I'm fine by the way. Can I have another one? On second thoughts just bring me the bottle and a straw. 

AS DAPHNE SLUMPS DOWN IN HER CHAIR LOOKING EXTREMELY DEPRESSED WE: 

FADE OUT 

(E) 

TITLE CARD: "IT'S THERE TO PULL THE WOOL OVER HER EYES" 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Martin, Roz) 

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WITH A PILE OF KNITTING ON HIS LAP WATCHING ROZ EXTREMELY CLOSELY AS SHE SITS ON THE COUCH TRYING TO KNIT 

MARTIN 

You're not holding your needles right. 

ROZ 

I am. 

MARTIN 

You've got no control over them. 

ROZ 

They're practically wrapped in a woollen leash they can't go anywhere. 

MARTIN 

They're not stable. One of them could fly out at any minute and run Eddie through. And this is not a cartoon so it will kill him. 

ROZ 

OK now what do I do with it? 

MARTIN 

My suggestion would be to burn it. The Grand Canyon is smaller then the hole in that. 

ROZ 

That's the neck hole. 

MARTIN 

It's a scarf. 

ROZ 

It's a new unique design. Do you think it will catch on? 

MARTIN 

I think you'll catch pneumonia if you wear it out in the winter. 

ROZ 

Can't I just fill the hole in? 

MARTIN 

What with cement? This is not some DIY home repair exercise. This is knitting, you either do it properly, or you don't do it at all. 

ROZ 

Martin I think you're taking this a little too seriously. 

MARTIN 

It's a serious business. Some poor sheep is freezing to death out in a field, so that you can make a wonderful garment out of its wool. You can't go wasting it. This wool has to fulfil its destiny. 

ROZ 

OK, now you're scaring me. 

MARTIN 

So are you, have some control over your needles; I don't want to loose an eye. 

ROZ 

How is knitting a sweater going to help my attach Alice's toy heads should I happen to decapitate one of them again? 

MARTIN 

Slowly, Roz, slowly. Baby steps. 

ROZ 

And I'm sure Alice will understand that I can't sow her bear's arm on because I'm still learning my needle technique. 

MARTIN 

How about you just stop maiming them? 

ROZ 

Once again you're completely missing the point. 

MARTIN 

Just keep going, I'm going to get a beer. 

ROZ 

Can I have one please? 

MARTIN 

You're not ready to mix alcohol with knitting. God knows what you'd do with those needles. I don't need any part of my body pierced. By the time I'm done with you, you'll have so much control over those needles, you'll be able to knit while riding a unicycle. 

MARTIN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN LEAVING HIS KNITTING ON HIS CHAIR 

ROZ 

There's an ambition fulfilled. How does he do this? 

ROZ PICKS UP MARTIN'S KNITTING AND LOOKS AT IT. SHE UNFORTUNATELY PULLS ONE OF THE NEEDLES AND CAUSES IT TO UNRAVEL 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Oh no. 

ROZ DROPS THE KNITTING BACK ON HIS CHAIR, BEFORE STUFFING IT DOWN THE SIDE OF THE CHAIR AND GOES BACK TO CONCENTRATING ON HER OWN KNITTING ACTING AS NOTHING HAPPENED AS MARTIN ENTERS WITH A BEER 

MARTIN 

What's wrong? 

ROZ 

Nothing everything is fine. How did you even learn to knit anyway? 

MARTIN 

It's a mushy story you don't want to hear. 

ROZ 

Did Hester teach you? 

MARTIN 

No actually it was a buddy of mine, while we were in a foxhole in Korea. We made gun covers for everyone in the division. It made it a lot more comfortable to sleep on them. Except it made Jimmy Hedren come out in a nasty rash, but that might have been because he accidentally ate his cover one night. He was coughing up hairballs for a week. 

ROZ 

Now I understand why you don't tell that story. 

MARTIN 

Where did my knitting go? 

ROZ 

Oh look at the time off I go. 

ROZ JUMPS UP AND HEADS FOR THE FRONT DOOR 

MARTIN 

Why is it stuffed down the side of my chair? 

ROZ 

Like you said before, sheep get stuffed down chairs everyday. Well got to go. 

ROZ EXITS QUICKLY SHUTTING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM AS MARTIN PULLS HIS KNITTING OUT OF THE SIDE OF HIS CHAIR AND GLARES AT THE FRONT DOOR AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

FADE IN: 

INT. HOTEL BALLROOM — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Niles, Brad, Kevin, Daphne, Guests) 

FRASIER LEANS UP THE BAR KNOCKING BACK A DRINK AS NILES APPROACHES AND TAPS HIM ON THE SHOULDER. DAPHNE REMAINS SITTING AT THE TABLE WITH HER HAND PROPPING HER HEAD UP 

FRASIER 

Hello Niles. 

NILES 

Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Enjoying the evening? 

NILES 

Yes. You? 

FRASIER 

Yes. How is Daphne? 

NILES 

Fine. 

FRASIER 

OK enough of the small talk, what have you been telling people about me? 

NILES 

Nothing, what have you been talking people about me? 

FRASIER 

Nothing. 

NILES 

Oh like I'm going to believe that. 

FRASIER 

I don't care what you believe, you've been rubbing your entry into my face ever since you found out. 

NILES 

I have not. OK so I have, but that's only because you've been belittling my entry. 

FRASIER 

Only because it doesn't mean a thing. 

NILES 

Then why are you here? 

FRASIER 

I didn't want to seem rude, there are thirty-six people in this room that look up to me. 

NILES 

But I'm not one of them. Excuse me but I must go and mingle. 

FRASIER 

Well enjoy yourself, but be careful what you say. 

NILES 

And what is that supposed to mean? 

FRASIER 

We wouldn't want them to lower your position should the voters happen to find out that you left you wife after three days to run off with another woman. 

NILES 

You wouldn't dare. 

FRASIER 

Oh wouldn't I? 

NILES 

Forget what it would do to my reputation; think what it would do to Daphne. She's already insecure about this as it is, without you adding fuel to the fire because you are jealous. 

FRASIER 

I am not jealous. 

NILES 

Of course you're not. You're not a jealous person are you? Jealously had nothing to do with the fact that you tried to jump off the side of a building over Lilith. 

FRASIER 

If you tell them that I'll tell them that you were dating a prostitute. 

NILES 

I didn't know that at the time. 

FRASIER 

Oh why else would she have been interested in you? 

NILES 

Why? Because I'm hotter then you, that's why? 

FRASIER 

Stop rubbing that in my face. 

NILES 

Then stop being so vindictive. 

BRAD SUDDENLY STANDS UP FROM HIS TABLE BEHIND FRASIER AND NILES WITH A SMALL AMOUNT OF SMOKE COMING FROM HIS TROUSERS. KEVIN, WHO WAS SITTING NEXT TO HIM GETS UP AND TRIES TO MOVE AWAY 

BRAD 

Oh my God, my pants are on fire. 

BRAD POURS A GLASS OF WATER OVER HIMSELF TO STOP THE SMOKE 

KEVIN 

Now you're truly hotter then I am. 

BRAD 

You did that on purpose. 

KEVIN 

I did not. You splashed water up me in the men's room. 

BRAD 

I didn't. Is it my fault that you can't control your bladder problems? 

KEVIN 

You told everyone I was impotent. 

BRAD 

Only because you said I had a sex change. 

AS THEY CONTINUE TO BICKER WITH THE REST OF THE ROOM WATCHING FRASIER TURNS TO NILES 

FRASIER 

How about we just leave now and forget all about this magazine article before we turn into them. 

NILES 

There's never been a truer word spoken. 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry, I have been jealous and I've been taking it out on you, I apologise. 

NILES 

It was my fault as well for rubbing it in your face. I guess I've always been jealous of you and this one chance I had be prove that I was better, just went to my head. 

FRASIER 

Let's just forget it, how about we go and have a meal at Le Cigare vilant? 

NILES 

That's a nice idea, but since we're here we might as well stay. 

DAPHNE NOW LOOKING QUITE DRUNK TRIES TO CLIMB UP ON THE TABLE 

FRASIER 

You may want to change your mind. 

NILES 

Why? 

FRASIER 

Because I didn't need to try to humiliate you. If we don't get Daphne down from off that table she's going to do it for me. 

NILES 

What? 

NILES TURNS AROUND TO SEE DAPHNE 

DAPHNE 

I'm not his friend, we're engaged. 

AS NILES AND FRASIER BOTH RUSH OVER TO DAPHNE TO HELP HER DOWN OFF THE TABLE WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: NILES SITS ON THE COUCH STILL IN HIS DINNER JACKET WITH DAPHNE ASLEEP ON THE COUCH WITH HER HEAD ON HIS LAP CLUTCHING THE BROKEN HEEL OF HER SHOE IN HER HAND. NILES SLOWLY AND QUIETLY REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND PRODUCES HIS PLACE CARD FROM DINNER THAT HAS HIS NAME AND HIS NUMBER ON IT. FRASIER SEES WHAT HE HAS AND QUICKLY SNATCHES IT OFF HIM AND PUTS IT IN THE FIRE. NILES THEN ANGRILY GESTURES TOWARDS FRASIER AND HE THEN PRODUCES HIS OWN PLACE CARD FROM HIS POCKET AND THROWS IT ON THE FIRE AS WELL. 


	10. Episode Ten

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_If I'm sent any feedback I might die of shock but nevertheless it is greatly appreciated so please send any comments, recipes, dog vet bills, poems written by gophers and transcripts from Barney to Kelly_simba@hotmail.com _

_Only a few people will understand this but I have to say it anyway: Boing Boing, Baggies Baggies, Boing Boing, Baggies Baggies _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Nine Episode Ten   
Frasier and the Seven Hoods 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: "SOON TO BE INSTALLED IN LAS VEGAS" 

FADE IN: 

INT. GROCERY STORE — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Roz, Frasier, Lisa, Bruce) 

ROZ, WEARING A THICK COAT BUTTONED UP AS FAR IS IT WILL GO WITH THE COLLAR TURNED UP, AND FRASIER WALK DOWN A FREEZER ISLE AT THE GROCERY STORE. FRASIER PUSHES A TROLLEY AND LOOKS UP AND DOWN THE CABINETS AS ROZ SLOWLY WALKS BEHIND HIM 

ROZ 

Will you just hurry up and buy your food for God's sake. I'm freezing to death here. You'd be able to see my breath but my mouth is nearly frozen shut. My teeth have been chattering so much I've knocked one of my fillings out. 

FRASIER 

Oh it is not that cold. 

ROZ 

There were people building an igloo in the last isle. And those penguins were not there so you could pick a live one and spit roast it for a gourmet meal, they actually live here. And even they had woolly coats on it's so cold. It comes to something when a penguin gets frostbite. 

FRASIER 

Oh stop complaining. To keep food frozen it has to be cold at your age you'd think you'd know that. No one made you come here. 

ROZ 

You made me give you a lift. In order to drive the car I actually have to be in it, I don't have mind control over it. I'm not David Hasselhoff in Knight Rider. 

FRASIER 

You could have just stayed in the car. No one would have attempted to steal you criminals do have some taste. 

ROZ 

I'd have suffocated in there by the time you'd finished squeezing your cantaloupes thirty to forty times. If that's not an attempted substitute for a sex life I don't know what is. It went on for so long I felt like I should give you some privacy. 

FRASIER 

Have you ever heard of cracking a window? 

ROZ 

Have you ever heard of hypothermia? What is wrong with your car anyway? It was running fine yesterday. 

FRASIER 

I had to take Eddie to the vets this morning. Evidently he can get a little carsick when he travels in anything other then an American made car. 

ROZ 

And you bought that? 

FRASIER 

No but Dad is buying me new car seat covers and driving socks and moccasins to make up for it. Who knew such a tiny dog could make such a mess? 

ROZ 

What was wrong with him in the first place? 

FRASIER 

He swallowed an estimated three dollars twenty-four cents in change. He's got so much money inside him, you expect to see lemons and dollar signs roll through his eyes when you pull his tail. 

ROZ 

Is he going to be OK? 

FRASIER 

Nothing will ever kill that dog. You could strap him to a nuclear bomb and he'd still crawl back to the apartment to stare at me. If I hadn't seen the x-ray first hand I'd say he ran on batteries. The vet said he'd just pass them out. It gives a whole new meaning to the term spending a penny. 

ROZ 

That'll be fun trying to get that money back. Are you going to dig through it so you can add to your coin collection? 

FRASIER 

I'd rather try and remove my own kidney with a spoon. 

ROZ 

Don't worry I'll remove both your kidney's for you unless you get a move on, before my eyelids freeze shut. 

FRASIER 

Oh all right fine. I just want to get... 

LISA, A FAIRLY SMALL WOMAN DRESSED EXQUISITELY IN ARMANI, AND BRUCE, A LARGE MAN IN AN OVERCOAT, ENTER FROM AROUND THE CORNER PUSHING A TROLLEY AND CRASH INTO FRASIER 

LISA 

Hey watch it! 

FRASIER 

I'm so terribly sorry. I do apologise. 

BRUCE PULLS FRASIER TO ONE SIDE 

BRUCE 

Excuse me sir would you mind steeping outside so we can have a little chat. 

LISA 

No Bruce that's OK, go and wait by the car. 

BRUCE RELUCTANTLY EXITS AROUND THE CORNER 

LISA (CONT'D) 

I could have been a little old lady coming around that corner that could have been knocked to the floor you jerk. All her hairnets and cat food would have gone everywhere. 

FRASIER 

I'm so sorry. 

LISA 

Wait a second, aren't you that Dr. Crane off the radio, you know the head shrinker. 

FRASIER 

Yes I am. 

ROZ 

Please don't sue him again, I can't cope with his mood swings. 

LISA 

No I'm a big fan of the show. Lisa Del Piero pleased to meet you. Those poor fruitcakes have no one to turn to except you and the last thing we want is for them to be running around the streets armed with bottles of hallucinating products. Am I right? 

FRASIER 

Well I wouldn't exactly call them... 

LISA 

I used to see a shrink myself, who ripped me off completely. How he had a license I don't know, he just couldn't fix me. Needless to say I made sure he no longer was able to practice. 

FRASIER 

I'm not sure that... 

LISA 

So are you two married? 

ROZ 

Dear God no, I'm his producer. 

LISA 

Producer as in producer of his children? Like an incubator? Isn't there some good money in that? 

ROZ 

There's a thought that will make me weep at night. I produce his radio show we're not together. 

LISA 

Oh right. So are you married? 

FRASIER 

No 

LISA 

Dating? 

FRASIER 

Actually no. 

LISA 

So would you like to have dinner with me? I don't normally hit on every guy that I come across...let me rephrase I don't ask out every guy I come across but what the hell. Nothing ventured nothing gained. Am I right? That's what I say. So what do you say Dr. Crane? 

FRASIER 

Well I'm not... 

LISA 

(SLIGHTLY AGITATED) I am giving you the opportunity to buy me dinner, are you going to turn that down? 

FRASIER 

Of course not. 

LISA 

Because if you're turning me down, come right out and say it. 

FRASIER 

Erm...sure I'll have dinner with you. 

LISA 

Great. 

LISA PRODUCES A BUSINESS CARD AND A WALLET FROM HER POCKET 

LISA (CONT'D) 

Here's my business card. What's this? How did I get some guys wallet? Oh yeah now I remember. So call me. 

LISA EXITS BACK AROUND THE CORNER 

ROZ 

Well she seems a little...what's the polite expression? Oh yes violent. What did you say yes for? 

FRASIER 

She frightened me. 

ROZ 

She's going to be a lot more frightening if you try and break it off. She'll serve your stomach up on a platter and that's after Bruce has finished with you. 

AS FRASIER POCKETS THE CARD AND ROZ STARTS TO HURRY HIM ALONG WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING —DAY/2   
(Niles, Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Roz) 

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WATCHING THE TELEVISION AS NILES STANDS BY THE ISLAND TALKING ON THE PHONE WITH DAPHNE PERCHED ON THE COUCH LISTENING INTENSELY 

NILES 

(ON PHONE) OK so we'll be there at four. Should we bring anything? My chequebook and a bank loan application? That's very funny. Oh you weren't joking. Yes I make a good salary. Thank you very much. Goodbye. 

NILES HANGS UP THE PHONE 

DAPHNE 

Are we in? 

NILES 

Of course we are. We have an appointment tomorrow. 

NILES AND DAPHNE HUG BEFORE HE SITS NEXT TO HER ON THE COUCH 

MARTIN 

What's this for? His and hers tattoo's? I'm begging you Niles get something manly, not a daffodil or a butterfly. 

DAPHNE 

It's to see a wedding planner. 

MARTIN 

(RAISING HIS VOICE) Isn't that a waste of money? Paying some pretentious fop to ponce about picking fabric, couldn't you just ask Frasier to do the same thing free of charge? 

FRASIER 

(OFF STAGE IN KITCHEN) I heard that. 

MARTIN 

You were meant to, why did you think I raised my voice? 

NILES 

It's just that there is so much to do and I don't have that much free time which would leave the lion's share to Daphne. We just thought it would alleviate a lot of the stress. 

FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A TRAY OF COFFEE 

DAPHNE 

Plus if we're going to have some nosy old fusspot interfering and taking over our wedding we'd rather have someone with taste doing it then me mother who'd insist on having the St. George's flag everywhere and I refuse to have one converted into a wedding dress. I constantly have dreams about telling her to butt out once and for all and then trying to shove the entire wedding cake down her throat in one easy movement. 

NILES 

That's the night you tried to smother me with your pillow. 

DAPHNE 

Oh I was not trying to smother you with it. I was trying to make you eat it. 

NILES 

And that makes it better? 

FRASIER 

So who have you hired? 

NILES 

Anthony Sugden. He's an absolute perfectionist. 

FRASIER 

Isn't he the guy who brought in swans for the Dubont wedding and then glued their feet to the ground because they kept wondering off and attacking the guests during the service? Mrs. Croft lost her good eye. 

NILES 

Yes, as I said he's a perfectionist. That swan trick worked as well until they started to peck the glue off their feet that just happened to be slightly toxic. The wedding photos had dead birds festooned everywhere. 

MARTIN 

In that case, I don't want Eddie as ring bearer if that guy is going to be there. I don't want him glued to anything. 

DAPHNE 

(SARCASTIC) Oh damn all the luck. 

NILES 

You look awfully smart tonight. Off on a date? 

FRASIER 

(MISERABLE) Yes. 

DAPHNE 

Well don't sound too happy about it will you. Anyone would think you were about to be forced to wrestle with an extremely angry lion. Me brother's always used to get into trouble when they went to the zoo. We stopped taking them to the hospital in the end because they were just bringing it on themselves. Michael's never been able to walk properly since. 

MARTIN AND FRASIER LOOK HORRIFIED AT DAPHNE WHILE NILES JUST SMILES AT HER 

MARTIN 

What's the matter? Let me guess she'll be prettier after the surgery? 

FRASIER 

When have I ever been that shallow? She's lovely I'm just a little frightened of her okay. 

NILES 

You're what? 

FRASIER 

She's a little scary. 

DAPHNE 

Then why are you going out with her? 

FRASIER 

I was afraid of what she'd do to me if I said no. We were in the freezer section of the grocery store, I had no wish to be squeezed in next to the ice cream. 

MARTIN 

For God sake Frasier, are you a man or a mouse? 

FRASIER 

She had a large man in a trench coat with her. If I hadn't have said yes he might have forced my lips to say yes but I fear at the time they wouldn't be attached to my face. 

NILES 

What does she do? 

FRASIER 

Something to do with boats I believe, her business address was a wharf. 

MARTIN 

The ideal girl to go out with. A woman you're scared of that may invite you to go out alone on a boat with her. Have you never seen Dead Calm? 

FRASIER 

I did phone to cancel but...well...you know. 

DAPHNE 

But what? Some groundhog started to bite your ankles and distracted you? 

FRASIER 

She yelled at me. 

THE TELEVISION SUDDENLY SWITCHES OFF 

MARTIN 

(SHOUTS) Oh my God! 

FRASIER 

Yes I know I'm pathetic but so would you be if not a week went by as a child when you weren't forced to cram your gym shorts into your mouth while you danced around with a jock strap on your head. 

MARTIN 

No the television. 

MARTIN STARTS FRANTICALLY PRESSING BUTTONS ON THE REMOTE 

DAPHNE 

What's wrong with it? 

MARTIN 

It's just gone off! Oh my God! 

FRASIER PUSHES THE POWER BUTTON ON THE SET CAUSING A WAFT OF SMOKE TO APPEAR FROM THE BACK OF IT 

FRASIER 

I don't think that made it any better. 

MARTIN 

Oh my baby. 

MARTIN WALKS OVER TO IT TO HAVE A CLOSER LOOK BEFORE DROPPING TO HIS KNEES WITH GREAT DIFFICULTY 

NILES 

Are you surprised it's finally died? Running nearly twenty-four hours a day for eight and a half years was going to take its toll eventually. You're lucky it's lasted this long without a stroke. 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER ANSWERS THE DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS

FRASIER 

Oh hi Roz. 

ROZ 

Hi Frasier, I just wanted...what is Martin doing to the television? You've not just started paying for the adult channel have you? 

FRASIER 

It appears that the television has just expired. 

MARTIN 

(SCREAMS) Oh my God! 

FRASIER 

He's taking it rather well, don't you think? 

MARTIN 

It's so unfair. You always think you'll go before your children. It's the natural order to things. 

DAPHNE 

Dear God, I'm not making you a black armband. 

NILES 

I think just a minutes silence would be sufficient. 

ROZ 

Are you all ready for your date? 

FRASIER 

As ready as I'll ever be. 

ROZ 

Have you got a puppy ready just in case there's nothing on the menu that she wants to eat? 

FRASIER 

You're not making this any easier. 

ROZ 

I shall be expecting all the details, if you're still alive before I go to the party tomorrow. 

DAPHNE 

Party? 

ROZ 

Yeah I'm taking Alice to a chicken pox party. 

NILES 

I just don't get invited to enough of those. Those wonderful Ebola virus parties have always been my favourite. If I'm not coughing up blood with my organs melting by the end of them then it's not a party. 

FRASIER 

You're taking Alice to a party to be around a bunch of disease-ridden children? Couldn't you have just poked her eyes out instead? 

ROZ 

It's not the plague Frasier. Loads of mother's do it. She's going to catch it sooner or later, and she might as well get it over and done with now. Surely you and Lilith must have taken Freddie to one. 

FRASIER 

Lilith had practically every disease bottled up in her lab. If she wanted to give anyone anything she could do it at a drop of a hat. Why do you think I'm such a light sleeper, I was always in fear of having a needle stuck in my rear end. 

NILES 

Just when you thought Lilith couldn't get anymore warm and cuddlier you add a disease and a needle to the mix. 

MARTIN 

(RE: TELEVISION) It's so cruel. 

ROZ 

It is not, the older you get the worse it gets. 

MARTIN 

Tell me about it. I never thought this would hurt so much. 

AS DAPHNE TRIES TO PRY MARTIN OFF THE TELEVISION SCREEN WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. RESTAURANT — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Maitre d', Lisa, Man, Owner, Waiter, Diner) 

FRASIER AND LISA ENTER A VERY EXCLUSIVE LOOKING RESTAURANT. IT LOOKS COMPLETELY FULL AS THE MAITRE D' STANDS BY THE ENTRANCE 

FRASIER 

I hope you like this place. Rumour has it the lobster comfit is divine. 

MAITRE D' 

Miss Del Piero, what a surprise this is. A table for two is it or is your father going to be joining you? 

LISA 

Not this evening, he's working on a little debt reclaim problem. Do you have a table for us? 

MAITRE D' 

Actually no. (THEN) But not for long. 

THE MAITRE D' WALKS TO THE NEAREST TABLE AND LIFTS UP THE CHAIR THAT THE MAN EATING THERE IS SEATED ON CAUSING HIM TO STAND UP. THE MAITRE D' THEN ESCORTS HIM TO THE ENTRANCE AS THE WAITER CLEARS THE TABLE 

MAITRE D' 

Thank you very much, please call again. 

MAN 

I haven't finished with that. 

MAITRE D' 

What do you think doggie bags were invented for? Now out you go please call again. 

THE MAITRE D' PUSHES THE MAN OUT THE DOOR AND THEN RETURNS TO THE TABLE AND PULLS A CHAIR OUT FOR LISA 

MAITRE D' 

Here you go Miss Del Piero, enjoy your dinner. And for your continued patronage and assistance a bottle of our finest champagne free of charge. 

THE MAITRE D' WALKS OVER TO THE BAR 

FRASIER 

You certainly do get wonderful service here. 

LISA 

We have a certain business arrangement that Mr. Minetti would like to see continued. 

FRASIER 

What sort of business are you involved in? 

LISA LOOKS AROUND AND SEES THE OWNER SITTING AT A NEAR BY TABLE 

LISA 

A little bit of this, a little bit of that. Will you excuse me for a moment? 

FRASIER 

Of course. 

LISA GETS UP AND MOVES TOWARDS THE OWNERS TABLE TAPPING HIM ON THE SHOULDER 

OWNER 

Oh Miss. Del Piero, your father isn't here is he? 

LISA 

Fortunately for you no, but unfortunately for you I am. 

THE WAITER APPROACHES FRASIER AND STARTS TO POUR HIM A GLASS OF WATER BUT GETS DISTRACTED AND ACCIDENTALLY POURS IT OVER FRASIER'S LAP 

WAITER 

Oh my God. I am so sorry. Here let me help you. 

THE WAITER TRIES TO MOP UP THE MESS WITH A NAPKIN 

FRASIER 

I'm fine really. 

WAITER 

Please let me pay to have them dry cleaned. In fact no let me buy you a new suit. 

FRASIER 

Honestly I'm fine. 

WAITER 

Please just don't tell Miss. Del Piero what I did. 

THE WAITER QUICKLY RUSHES AWAY. FRASIER ALARMED BY EVERYONE'S REACTION GETS UP FROM THE TABLE AND TRIES TO SNEAK OUT AS LISA COMES BACK TO THE TABLE 

LISA 

Where do you think you're going? 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 

FRASIER RUSHES AND SITS BACK DOWN AS THE WAITER ALSO RETURNS FRIGHTENED 

LISA 

What are you sorry for? I was talking to the waiter. Sit down and relax will you. 

FRASIER 

Of course I apologise for being so tense. 

THE MAITRE D' APPROACHES LISA WITH A LARGE BROWN ENVELOPE 

MAITRE D' 

Miss Del Piero here is our new menu to meet with your approval for you to take home. 

LISA 

Can't you see I'm on a date here? I don't want to talk business when I'm on a date. 

MAITRE D' 

I know and I appreciate that but after I was late last month I didn't want to make the same mistake twice. 

LISA 

Bruce! Get over here. I'll be right back Frasier. 

BRUCE ENTERS FROM OUTSIDE AND HE AND LISA ESCORT THE MAITRE D' INTO THE KITCHEN AND EXIT. A DINER THEN APPROACHES FRASIER FROM A NEARBY TABLE AS HE NERVOUSLY BITES ON A BREADSTICK 

DINER 

Dr. Crane you know Lisa Del Piero? 

FRASIER 

Actually we only met yesterday. We're kind of on a date. 

DINER 

I'm in the used car business myself and I'm willing to offer any friend of the Del Piero's a fantastic deal. 

FRASIER 

That's very kind of you, but I'm not in the market for a car. 

DINER 

Oh please you've got to help me. Don't buy a car, I'll give you one for free. You don't even need to drive it, just let Lisa know that I did you a favour. 

A LOUD SCREAM IS HEARD FROM THE KITCHEN 

DINER 

Oh I've got to go. 

THE DINER SITS BACK DOWN AND LISA ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND SITS BACK DOWN 

LISA 

I'm sorry about that. So how are you today? 

FRASIER 

Suddenly I've developed a rather queasy stomach. 

AS FRASIER RATHER RELUCTANTLY LOOKS AT HIS MENU WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

FADE IN: 

INT. PLANNERS OFFICE — AFTERNOON — DAY/3   
(Anthony, Niles, Daphne, Ramona) 

NILES AND DAPHNE SIT ON A THREE SEATER COUCH IN AN EXQUISITELY DECORATED OFFICE THAT HAS SEVERAL DRAWINGS AND BROCHURES SCATTERED AROUND. ANTHONY, AS EXQUISITELY DRESSED AS HIS OFFICE, ENTERS AND GOES TO SHAKE HANDS 

ANTHONY 

And you must be the future Dr. and Mrs. Crane. Good afternoon I'm Anthony Sugden. 

DAPHNE 

Afternoon. 

NILES 

It's a pleasure to meet you. 

ANTHONY 

OK first things first give your bank details to Ramona here before you waste any of my time. 

RAMONA ENTERS AND TAKES SOME PAPER WORK OFF NILES BEFORE EXITING

NILES 

I assure you I have the necessary funds to cover this. 

ANTHONY 

That's what the Count and Countess of Wessex thought. I told them I don't care who your mother is. If you don't have the funds get out of my sight. So while that's being done tell me how far you have got so far. 

NILES 

The venues for the ceremony and the reception are booked so... 

ANTHONY SITS NEXT TO DAPHNE EXTREMELY CLOSE 

ANTHONY 

That is a mere side note. What is most important is making this beautiful woman look even more beautiful on her special day if that's at all possible. 

DAPHNE 

Oh go on, you're making me blush. 

ANTHONY TAKES HOLD OF DAPHNE'S HAND 

ANTHONY 

If I can make that Magashank woman look vaguely attractive to anyone other then a drunk sex starved prisoner, just think what I can do with you. Have you found a dress you like? 

DAPHNE 

Well actually... 

ANTHONY 

Nope I won't let you do it. Only something that has been designed especially for you, will do you justice. You must let me design it. 

NILES 

Will you have time for that? 

ANTHONY 

Oh are you still here? Oh course I'll have time for it. Traditionally it's expected to make the bridesmaids look as hideous as possible so that they don't outshine the bride, but unless they descended from the same cloud in heaven as you did, I don't think that's necessary. 

DAPHNE 

I bet you say that to everyone. 

ANTHONY 

Never. Only to someone with the face of an angel and parole officers to close friends and family. 

NILES 

So what are you thinking for the bridesmaid dresses? Do you want to design those yourself as well? 

ANTHONY 

Dear God! Nag, nag, nag. Can't you see we're talking here? Why don't you go and look at napkin rings with Ramona. Ramona! 

RAMONA ENTERS AND TAKES NILES BY THE ARM LIFTING HIM FROM HIS SEAT 

NILES 

Shouldn't I be here for... 

ANTHONY 

Ramona, take Crane here to the East suite to look through some samples. 

AS RAMONA ESCORTS NILES FROM THE ROOM AND ANTHONY TURNS HIS ATTENTION BACK TO DAPHNE WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(E) 

TITLE CARD: "IT'S THE LATEST CRAZE FROM THE MAKERS OF PET CEMETERIES" 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/3   
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Lisa, Roz) 

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR STARRING AT THE EMPTY SPACE IN THE CREDENZA WHERE THE TELEVISION ONCE STOOD AS FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM AND STARES AT HIM SHAKING HIS HEAD 

FRASIER 

Dad will you stop it. It's not there anymore. There's no need to just stare at the empty space like that. It won't bring it back. 

MARTIN 

I just miss it so much OK. Is that a crime? 

FRASIER 

When it's a television set instead of a small child or an arm yes. 

MARTIN 

I wonder if the repair guy has found the problem yet. 

FRASIER 

Will you let it go? I took the television down there, I got him to tell me when he'd look at it, I even got him to promise to phone when he knew what the diagnosis was and you're still not happy. 

MARTIN 

There's just an empty void that I'm struggling to fill. 

FRASIER HANDS MARTIN THE STEREO REMOTE CONTROL 

FRASIER 

Does that make it any better? You can press the buttons. 

MARTIN 

It's a little better. So how was your date, you never did say? 

FRASIER 

Dad can I tell you something? 

MARTIN 

Sure, you can tell me anything. 

FRASIER 

You've got to promise not to laugh. 

MARTIN 

Oh geez, what have you done now? 

FRASIER 

Nothing. Just promise me you won't laugh. 

MARTIN 

Okay fine I won't laugh. 

FRASIER 

It's about Lisa, I think she might be involved in some sort of organised crime racket. 

MARTIN BEGINS TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

You said you wouldn't laugh. 

MARTIN 

Oh come on Fras it is a little far fetched. 

FRASIER 

Oh is it? Let's look at the evidence. There was that guy at the grocery store with her. 

MARTIN 

Maybe he was her brother. 

FRASIER 

I'm not as up on genetics as I should be but I find it hard to believe that one of the whitest white woman I've ever come across apart from Maris and Lilith and a seven foot African American can be brother and sister. At the restaurant the Maitre d' practically threw another couple out to give us the table. 

MARTIN 

Don't they do that for you at Chez Henry? 

FRASIER 

Well yes but we do wait while they finish chewing. They were constantly asking about her father, giving her packages and the waiter seemed positively terrified of her. It can only point to one thing, she's in the mob. 

MARTIN 

And you think I'm screwy for mourning a television set. 

FRASIER 

It's an inanimate object. 

MARTIN 

To you maybe. 

NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. NILES IMMEDIATELY SLUMPS DOWN ON THE COUCH AS DAPHNE JUST STANDS AND STARES AT HIM SIGHING 

NILES 

Hello. 

DAPHNE 

Oh will you stop pouting. You're going to trip over that bottom lip soon, or get it caught in a sewer drain next time you go out. And as much as I love you, I don't want to spend the rest of my life bringing you soup outside because you're trapped. 

FRASIER 

What's the matter? 

DAPHNE 

He has a small problem with the wedding planner. 

MARTIN 

What was the matter with him? He didn't try to use glue on you did he? 

NILES 

He was all over Daphne like some sort of highly contagious skin rash. I'm surprised you were able to pry him off you so we could leave. 

DAPHNE 

He was just being friendly. 

NILES 

Clinging to someone like a spider monkey covered in some super strength Velcro is not being friendly. 

DAPHNE 

Then why didn't you say something to him? 

NILES 

He shipped me off into another room for hours. There are only so many napkin holders you can look at then when I tried to leave and see how you were doing the door was locked and Ramona refused to give me the key. 

MARTIN 

Couldn't you have just taken the key off her? 

NILES 

She was a big woman Dad. 

DAPHNE 

Yeah pigmy big. 

MARTIN 

But he's a male wedding planner, isn't he gay? 

NILES 

Well if he is, he seems to have forgotten. So what happened when I was pushed out of the scene? 

DAPHNE 

We just talked about the wedding. 

DAPHNE GOES TO EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN CAUSING NILES TO GET UP AND FOLLOW HER 

NILES 

What ours or yours and Anthony's? 

DAPHNE 

Oh my God, this is going to be a long conversation. 

DAPHNE AND NILES EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER 

That'll be Roz, she wanted to know how my date went. 

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND LISA AND BRUCE ENTER

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Lisa! Hello, what are you doing here? 

LISA 

You have some problem with me coming here? 

FRASIER 

No, no, no of course not. 

LISA 

Bruce wait outside. 

BRUCE EXITS SHUTTING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM 

FRASIER 

Lisa may I introduce you to my father Martin Crane. Dad this is Lisa Del Piero. 

LISA 

It's nice to meet you. 

MARTIN 

The pleasure is all mine. 

THEY SHAKE HANDS 

SFX: LISA'S CELL PHONE

LISA 

Oh excuse me. 

LISA ANSWERS HER PHONE AND MOVES TOWARDS THE WINDOW 

FRASIER 

See. 

MARTIN 

So what? She has a cell phone and a bodyguard. 

NILES EXITS FROM THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

So does most of Hollywood and they can't all be in the mob. 

NILES 

Who's in the mob? 

FRASIER 

Ssshhh! Get back in the kitchen. Weren't you being jealous and over protective about Daphne? 

NILES EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN 

LISA 

(ON THE PHONE) I can't talk about that now. Have you never heard the expression the walls have ears. Just drop off the thing will you. And while you're out go around to Ferrea's and make sure he gets the message about not being late with his payment again. Bye. 

LISA HANGS UP HER PHONE AND MOVES BACK OVER TO FRASIER 

LISA (CONT'D) 

Sorry about that. 

FRASIER 

That's fine. You certainly seem to be in demand at the office. What is it that you do again? 

LISA 

Do I badger you twenty-four hours a day about work? 

FRASIER 

Of course not. 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Excuse me. 

FRASIER CROSSES TO ANSWER THE DOOR 

MARTIN 

You seem to have a little blood on your shoe. 

LISA 

No I haven't that's the pattern. 

MARTIN 

Then they're very pretty. 

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND ROZ AND ALICE ENTER

FRASIER 

Roz, Alice how nice to see you. 

FRASIER HUGS ROZ AND WHISPERS INTO HER EAR 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Don't say a word she's here. 

FRASIER BREAKS THE HUG AND LEADS ROZ OVER TO LISA 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Roz you remember Lisa from the grocery store. 

ROZ 

Hello again. 

LISA 

Hello... 

SFX: LISA'S CELL PHONE

LISA (CONT'D) 

Oh crap. Excuse me. (ON PHONE) What do you want now? Don't make me come down there. 

LISA MOVES BACK TOWARDS THE WINDOW 

ROZ 

As happy as the first time I saw her I see. So how's it going? 

MARTIN 

Well it's one day at a time, I'm expecting the repair guy to phone us any time now. 

ROZ 

I meant with Frasier and Lisa. 

MARTIN 

Trust me you don't even want to go there. 

NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN 

DAPHNE 

Are we all sorted now? Am I going to see a smile? Show me your smile. 

FRASIER 

Freud would have a field day right there. 

LISA HANGS UP HER PHONE UNKNOWN TO FRASIER AND BECOMES INCREASINGLY INTERESTED IN THE CONVERSATION 

ROZ 

What's the matter? 

NILES 

The wedding planner was hitting on Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

He wasn't. You can tell how many people have hit on you in your lifetime if you think that was flirting. 

NILES 

He was one step away from lighting you both a cigarette. 

LISA 

Are you having a problem with this guy? 

FRASIER 

(PANICKING) Oh no, no it'll be fine, he's just being a child. 

NILES 

I most certainly am not. 

LISA 

Do you want me to have a little chat with him? 

FRASIER 

No, no honestly it's fine. 

LISA 

What's his name? 

FRASIER 

Really the less said the better. 

NILES 

Anthony Sugden. 

LISA 

OK problem over, I'll get right on it tomorrow. But right now I have to go, a small problem at work. Nice meeting you all. Bye Frasier. 

LISA EXITS OUT THE FRONT DOOR 

FRASIER 

Are you insane? 

NILES 

Am I insane? You're the one flapping around like a penguin trying in vain to fly. 

FRASIER 

She's in the mob. You're wedding planner is going to find a horse head in his bed! 

DAPHNE 

Don't be ridiculous. 

MARTIN 

It does look a little strange but I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation for it. 

FRASIER 

Like what? She's staying in character to appear in the Godfather Part 4? What planet are you from? If I try and break up with her now at the very least I'm going to be kneecapped and forced to try to swallow my own arm. Did you not read that story where that guy was beaten to death with his own arm and then the murderer put it in a blender to make pate and served it to his family at the wake? That's going to be me. You're going to be eating me if I try to break up with her. 

ROZ 

Then I'm sure you'll have a lovely wedding, a happy life together and you'll eat lots of pasta. Come on Alice let's go and get the pox. 

ROZ AND ALICE EXIT 

FRASIER 

Will anyone pay attention to my legitimate fears? Please? 

NILES AND DAPHNE LOOK AT EACH OTHER BEFORE EXITING TO DAPHNE'S ROOM 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Thank you both very much. 

SFX: TELEPHONE

MARTIN IMMEDIATELY LEAPS UP AND ANSWERS THE PHONE 

MARTIN 

(ON PHONE) Hello? How's it doing? Do you know what the problem is? I see. OK. Thank you. 

MARTIN HANGS UP THE PHONE AND SLUMPS BACK DOWN IN HIS CHAIR 

FRASIER 

And? 

MARTIN 

You need to buy a large window box so I've got somewhere to bury it. 

FRASIER 

And you're likely to find me buried next to it. 

AS FRASIER LIES DOWN ON THE COUCH WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

FADE IN: 

INT. PLANNERS OFFICE — AFTERNOON — DAY/4   
(Niles, Daphne, Anthony, Ramona) 

NILES AND DAPHNE SIT AS BEFORE BUT WITH NILES LOOKING EXTREMELY MISERABLE AT BEING THERE 

NILES 

Can't we just do this on our own? 

DAPHNE 

You said this way would alleviate the stress. 

NILES 

But instead it's giving me a haemorrhage. If he touches you once I may not be held responsible for my actions. 

DAPHNE 

If you behave yourself during this, you can touch me all you want tonight. 

NILES 

Is that a threat or a promise? 

DAPHNE 

Just behave yourself, the last thing I need is you creating a scene like you did in the dog park. 

NILES 

There was a bee. 

DAPHNE 

Then it had the most cunning disguise as a leaf I've ever seen. 

NILES 

It was on the leaf. 

DAPHNE 

You mean snow boarding? 

NILES 

Are you going to make fun of my all day? 

DAPHNE 

That was my intention yes. 

ANTHONY ENTERS INTO THE OFFICE LOOKING EXTREMELY NERVOUS AND SWEATING A LOT. HE SITS BEHIND THE DESK AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE FROM BOTH OF THEM 

ANTHONY 

Ah Dr. Crane, Miss. Moon it's nice to see you again. Can I get you anything? A cup of coffee, champagne a week in Hawaii? 

DAPHNE 

I'm fine thank you. 

NILES 

Can I have a coffee? 

ANTHONY 

(SHOUTS) Ramona get Dr. Crane a coffee please. Now where were we? 

DAPHNE STARTS TO LOOK THROUGH HER PURSE 

DAPHNE 

I was looking through... 

ANTHONY 

(TERRIFIED) What are you getting from your purse? Please don't hurt me! 

DAPHNE 

It's a photo of a table dressing. 

ANTHONY 

Of course. I'm sorry. Is it warm enough for you in here? 

DAPHNE 

Yes it's fine. 

ANTHONY 

How about you Dr. Crane? 

NILES 

I'm fine, can we get back to the matter at hand? 

ANTHONY 

Of course, of course I apologise from the bottom of my heart for wasting your valuable time. In fact I insist on giving you a discount. Miss. Moon your dress is going to be made free of charge in fact no, I'll pay you to wear one of my designs. 

DAPHNE 

Is everything okay? 

ANTHONY 

Yes everything is fine. 

SFX: NILES' CELL PHONE

ANTHONY (CONT'D) 

Ahhhhh. 

NILES 

I'm sorry I'll switch it off. 

ANTHONY GETS UP AND STARTS TO LEAD NILES AND DAPHNE TO THE DOOR 

ANTHONY 

No. I'm a little on edge. Maybe it would be best if you left. I don't want to waste anymore of your time. Not that I'm throwing you out, don't tell anyone that. We can rearrange for next week. Bye. 

AS NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT ANTHONY COLLAPSES ON THE COUCH IN A HEAP AND WE: 

FADE OUT 

(G) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/4   
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Roz) 

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WATCHING FRASIER AS HE PACES ABOUT THE ROOM TRYING TO FINALISE A SPEECH 

FRASIER 

You see Lisa as much as I like you and want to spend time with you I think it's time I told you the truth. I respect you too much to lie to you. You see the problem is I was involved in an horrific lawn mowing accident as a child that has left me severely disabled. Yes that's right I think you know what I'm talking about. I couldn't continue our relationship without you knowing. I understand if you want to end it. So what do you think? 

MARTIN 

I think you need a lobotomy and I'm just being polite. 

NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

NILES 

What did your nutty girlfriend say to our wedding planner? 

FRASIER 

What do you mean? 

DAPHNE 

He was terrified of us. He was one step away from crawling under the table and calling for his mommy. 

MARTIN 

I thought that's what you wanted. 

NILES 

I wanted him to stop being a letch not traumatise him for life. 

FRASIER 

You see this just confirms it. 

DAPHNE 

Confirms what? 

FRASIER 

That Lisa is in the mob. 

NILES 

Don't be ridiculous. 

FRASIER 

How else could she have scared that guy so much? 

DAPHNE 

You do have a point there. 

MARTIN 

Don't tell me you two are going as screwy as Frasier. 

DAPHNE 

You're the man sleeping with the carcass of a deceased television in his bedroom and with the remote permanently stuck in his hand. 

MARTIN 

I don't want it to think that I never loved it. 

NILES 

It's an inanimate object. What part of that don't you understand? 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER ANSWERS THE DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS COVERED IN RED BLOTCHES 

FRASIER 

Oh hello Roz. What happened to you? 

ROZ 

What does it look like? I've caught the pox. 

NILES 

Small pox? 

ROZ 

Chicken pox wiseass. 

FRASIER 

How did you catch that? 

DAPHNE 

I might be taking a stab in the dark here but I'd say it was that chicken pox party she went to the other day but then it's easy for me I'm psychic. 

FRASIER 

Did Alice get it as well? 

ROZ 

No, she doesn't have a spot on her and yet I'm covered from head to toe. Like it wasn't hard enough getting a date without being covered in lots of red pussy spots. 

NILES 

I think I'll pass on dinner if it's all the same to you. 

DAPHNE 

I was thinking the same thing. 

MARTIN 

You must have known you'd catch it if you hadn't had it. 

ROZ 

I didn't know I hadn't had it. 

FRASIER 

Oh one of those pesky family secrets that are supposed to be taken to the grave. 

ROZ 

Hopefully now Alice will catch it off me. 

FRASIER 

Did it occur to you to call ahead of time to check if any of us hadn't caught it? 

ROZ 

Actually no. 

FRASIER 

Had it. 

NILES 

Had it. 

MARTIN 

You've had every disease going. You've even had some weird ones named after you. I've had it. 

DAPHNE 

(SUDDENLY REALISING) Oh great. 

FRASIER 

You don't need to be psychic to see this one coming. 

AS DAPHNE SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH IN RESIGNATION AND NILES BACKS AWAY FROM ROZ WE: 

FADE OUT 

(H) 

FADE IN: 

INT. DOCKLAND WAREHOUSE — MORNING — DAY/5   
(Frasier, Lisa) 

FRASIER WAITS OUTSIDE AN OFFICE INSIDE A LARGE WAREHOUSE THAT LOOKS RELATIVELY EMPTY. LISA ENTERS FROM THE OFFICE BUT DOESN'T NOTICE FRASIER 

FRASIER 

Excuse me Lisa. 

LISA 

Frasier what are you doing here? I'm working you shouldn't be here. 

FRASIER 

I had to come down here to see you, no matter how much I fear this conversation. 

LISA 

What is it? You've got some sort of disease haven't you? 

FRASIER 

No, no it's nothing like that. I can't see you anymore. 

LISA 

Why not? Was it something I said? Something I did? 

FRASIER 

Yes both of those. And it's your occupation. 

LISA 

You've found out what I do for a living? 

FRASIER 

Yes I have and despite the consequences that might befall on me for telling you this, I'm afraid it's over. 

LISA 

This always happens, every guy always goes running when they find out what I do. Like there's something wrong with being a fishmonger. 

FRASIER 

Yes well I know but...a fishmonger? Is there anyway that is a coy euphemism for something else? 

LISA 

What are you talking about? I sell fish. I have a warehouse at the wharf that I work from. 

FRASIER 

I thought you were in the mob. 

LISA 

(SHOCKED) You what? 

FRASIER 

But what about all that talk of your father at dinner? 

LISA 

He started the business, we supply fish to nearly all the city. That Maitre d' was giving me an advance payment on a some particularly fine salmon before I sold it to anyone else. 

FRASIER 

That car salesman tried to give me a car because I knew you. 

LISA 

He's trying to make a good impression on my Dad, he's been trying to get me to marry him for years. 

FRASIER 

The blood on your shoe? 

LISA 

I gut fish. You're lucky I didn't have an eye and a few tails on my shoes. Which is why I don't tell people what I do because it grosses them out. 

FRASIER 

But what about the wedding planner, he was scared to death. 

LISA 

I threatened to hike up my prices for his catering if he didn't cut it out. You seem to underestimate the power and influence a truck full of swordfish has. 

FRASIER 

I see. I seem to have made a humongous error. Is there any chance that you'll forget that I've called you a crook and give me another chance? 

LISA 

There's more chance of this fish suddenly springing to life and doing a dance. 

FRASIER 

So there's still a chance? (THEN) One more thing, the bodyguard? 

LISA 

A gigantic pain in the ass. It's my Dad's idea I was mugged last month. 

FRASIER 

And suddenly the wrong end of the stick that I've grabbed hold of and beaten myself around the head with gets bigger and bigger. 

AS FRASIER WALKS AWAY FEELING EXTREMELY EMBARRASSED WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: ROZ IS LYING ON FRASIER'S COUCH COVERED WITH A BLANKET AS NILES ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. THE IMMEDIATELY GETS HIS HANDKERCHIEF FROM HIS POCKET AND COVERS HIS MOUTH WHILE WALKING PRESSED UP AGAINST THE FIREPLACE SO TO STAY AS FAR AWAY FROM ROZ AS POSSIBLE. HE HANGS HIS COAT UP AND WAVES TO ROZ STILL WITH HIS HANDKERCHIEF TO HIS MOUTH. DAPHNE THEN COMES UP BEHIND HIM COVERED IN THE SAME BLOTCHES ROZ IS AND HUGS HIM. NILES SEES HER PULLS A SQUEAMISH FACE BUT DOESN'T BREAK THE HUG 


	11. Episode Eleven

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_All feedback is as always appreciated so please send any comments to kelly_simba@hotmail.com. This is to try to make up for what I wrote a few weeks back because Marissa complained so much. _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Nine Episode Eleven   
Mommy Dearest 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Roz, Man, Jodie, Carol) 

FRASIER SITS BY THE COUNTER IN A CROWDED NERVOSA DRINKING HIS COFFEE AND STARING AT THE DOOR. ROZ ENTERS, SEES HIM, PANICS AND DUCKS BEHIND A MAN LEANING UP THE PILLAR. FRASIER SEES HER, ROLLS HIS EYES AND WALKS TOWARDS HER 

FRASIER 

Roz you can't hide from me forever otherwise I'm sure Lilith would have tried it by now. Roz you're standing behind that man and by the look on his face touching him somewhere extremely inappropriate. Look his eyes are beginning to cross. Will you come out here? 

MAN 

Oh crap. 

ROZ LEAPS UP FROM BEHIND THE MAN 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Oh Frasier hi I didn't see you there. 

FRASIER 

Yes well you wouldn't when you're trying to perfect your technique as a proctologist. Come and sit down, something that this poor gentleman will probably never be able to do again, at least not without an inflatable cushion. 

FRASIER AND ROZ SIT DOWN AS THE MAN SLOWLY FOLLOWS THEM 

ROZ 

(TO MAN) Sorry about that. 

MAN 

Wait don't stop. Are you leaving? I thought we had a connection. 

ROZ 

Please be kidding. 

MAN 

Can I at least have your number? This is by far the longest relationship I've had this century. 

MAN 

No thanks. 

MAN 

Oh come on please before I start getting desperate, please. 

FRASIER 

Oh I think that boat has sailed. Off you go. 

THE MAN SIGHS TO HIMSELF AND EXITS

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Have you seen the stress you've caused because you wouldn't face me? 

MAN 

Oh what stress? It gave him a cheap thrill. 

FRASIER 

So are you going to explain yourself? 

ROZ 

Oh if I have to. When I saw you I ducked down and put my hand... 

FRASIER 

Do not finish that sentence! I meant the reason why you missed the show today. 

MAN 

I didn't miss it. 

FRASIER 

Fine then I'll rephrase the question, why did you miss two hours fifty-eight minutes of the show and then run away before I had a chance to talk to you about it? 

MAN 

If I tell you why I was late you'll only laugh at me. 

FRASIER 

Try me. 

ROZ 

Oh that's right I forgot you've got no sense of humour that we're aware of. 

FRASIER 

I object to that. I am a laugh riot. 

ROZ 

Really? I must have been on vacation that day. 

FRASIER 

My Elizabethan playhouse material has had people crying with laughter. 

ROZ 

You see that's your biggest mistake, you confuse tears of laughter with tears of boredom very easily. 

FRASIER 

They were laughing Roz. 

ROZ 

Yes but they were laughing near you not at you, actually no they could have been laughing at you. 

FRASIER 

Not a day goes by when someone doesn't ask me to repeat that Christopher Marlowe gag in reference to Dr. Faustus that I told at PBS pledge drive about the brothel keeper and the devil. 

MAN 

Yes but that's Niles, need I say anymore? 

FRASIER 

Can we get back to the subject at hand? Where were you? 

ROZ 

If you must know I got locked in my car. 

FRASIER 

Excuse me? 

ROZ 

I got locked in my car. 

FRASIER 

You mean someone locked you in the trunk? How naïve do you think I am? 

ROZ 

No not in the trunk. You know I bought a new car last week well the locks keep jamming. I couldn't crawl out of the trunk because it's only a two-door vehicle. I had to wait for someone to rescue me. 

FRASIER 

Couldn't you have wound the window down and opened it from outside? 

ROZ 

Only the front windows open and the one handle Alice has caked up with jelly and just spins on the spot and I pulled the other one off. 

JODIE, AN ATTRACTIVE MIDDLE AGED WOMAN, AND HER MOTHER CAROL ENTER NERVOSA AND LOOK AROUND FOR SOMEWHERE TO SIT 

FRASIER 

Why exactly did you buy this car did you say? 

ROZ 

They were practically giving it away. 

FRASIER 

For obvious reasons. 

JODIE APPROACHES FRASIER AND ROZ'S TABLE AS THERE ARE TWO EXTRA CHAIRS 

JODIE 

Excuse me, do you mind if we sit here, there are no free tables? 

FRASIER 

Oh course please take a seat. 

JODIE AND CAROL SIT DOWN 

JODIE 

Thank you very much. Your voice sounds familiar. 

FRASIER 

I'm Dr. Frasier Crane from off the radio. This is my producer Roz Doyle. 

CAROL 

That's it. We're both big fans of your show. 

JODIE 

I'm Jodie. This is my mother Carol. 

FRASIER 

It's a pleasure to meet you both. 

JODIE 

We really are huge fans of your show. 

ROZ 

Oh stop please, don't make his head any bigger, he's already intolerable to work with don't make it worse. 

FRASIER 

She's just kidding. 

ROZ 

You're right I am, but those death rays speak volumes. 

FRASIER 

So what do you ladies do for a living? 

CAROL 

I used to work in a hair salon but I'm retired now. 

JODIE 

I'm curator at the Winchester Museum. 

FRASIER 

I knew I knew you from somewhere. You spoke at the party to celebrate the introduction of those antique Icelandic wooden spoons to the museum. You made a wonderfully delicious quip about the Chateux Cetair 65. 

JODIE 

That's right. My God I'm surprised you remembered. 

ROZ 

You'll be surprised at the amount of useless information that rattles around his skull. 

JODIE 

Can I get either of you a coffee? 

FRASIER 

I'm fine thank you. 

JODIE MOVES TO THE COUNTER 

CAROL 

If you'll excuse me I shall just go to the powder room. 

CAROL STANDS UP AND EXITS TOWARDS THE RESTROOM 

ROZ 

Oh my God stop drooling. You're thinning out your coffee. If you're so interested in her go and ask her out. 

FRASIER 

I can't we've only just met. 

ROZ 

Oh yes I forgot in your family you have to wait seven years before you make the first move. Well it's been God knows how long since you last had sex I'm sure a few more years won't hurt. With any luck all the equipment might still work, but I wouldn't hold my breathe if I were you. 

FRASIER 

Excuse me Jodie can I ask you something? 

FRASIER GETS UP AND APPROACHES HER AT THE COUNTER AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

TITLE CARD: "FRANKIE FOUR FINGERS IMMEDIATELY SPRINGS TO MIND" 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Niles, Jodie, Carol, Eddie) 

FRASIER HAS MADE THE ROOM READY FOR A ROMANTIC MEAL AS EDDIE SITS IN MARTIN'S CHAIR AND WATCHES. AS HE PUTS A SERVING PLATTER ON THE TABLE MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM. 

FRASIER 

Come on Dad get a move on, she'll be here any minute. 

MARTIN 

Why are you in such a rush to get rid of me? Frightened of a little competition are you? Scared she'll change her mind when she gets a look of me. 

FRASIER 

Yeah right. As much as I'd like to laugh hysterically while rolling around on the floor, right now I don't have time. Now off you go. 

MARTIN 

Can I at least get my coat first? 

FRASIER 

As long as you don't stop, just pick it up and get moving. Perpetual motion is good for the soul. 

MARTIN 

Fine I'm going. 

MARTIN GETS HIS COAT AND EXITS OUT THE FRONT DOOR. FRASIER THEN PUTS A CD IN HIS STEREO BEFORE SITTING DOWN AND FINALLY RELAXING ON THE COUCH. NILES AND DAPHNE THEN ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR CAUSING FRASIER TO LEAP FROM HIS SEAT. DAPHNE IS BEING EXTREMELY OVERLY AFFECTIONATE TOWARDS NILES. 

FRASIER 

What are you two doing here? 

DAPHNE 

That's no way to speak to a returning hero. 

FRASIER 

A what? 

DAPHNE 

There was an accident on the corner of Pike and Elm. Niles got out and helped. I've never been prouder. 

DAPHNE KISSES HIS CHEEK 

NILES 

I didn't do a lot. 

DAPHNE 

Nonsense, you practically saved that man's life. 

NILES 

He'd only broken his fingers. 

DAPHNE 

That's all it takes sometimes. 

SHE KISSES HIM AGAIN 

FRASIER 

This is all very good and I'm thrilled for you, but I have a date and unless you both want to be flung over the balcony and scrapped off the sidewalk with a spatula, I'd leave now. 

NILES 

What's that mark on your trousers? 

FRASIER LOOKS DOWN, SEES THE MARK AND STARTS TO RUB IT FRANTICALLY 

FRASIER 

Oh my God. I've just got time. I'm going to change and you two are to be gone by the time I get back. 

NILES 

Fine. 

FRASIER QUICKLY EXITS TOWARDS HIS ROOM 

DAPHNE 

Now you, come and sit down here and relax for a moment. 

DAPHNE LEADS HIM BY THE HAND TO THE COUCH AND PUSHES HIM DOWN. SHE THEN SITS EXTREMELY CLOSE NEXT TO HIM WITH HER LEGS ACROSS HIS LAP AND HER ARM AROUND HIS SHOULDERS 

NILES 

Daphne really it's not that big a deal. 

DAPHNE 

Can I get you anything? 

NILES 

I'm fine really. 

DAPHNE 

You looked so sexy applying pressure to that man's leg silhouetted against the ambulance lights. 

NILES 

Until I passed out. 

DAPHNE 

That's perfectly understandable, there was a lot of blood. I'm so proud of you. Go on say it again, just once more. 

NILES 

(TRYING HIS BEST TO SOUND MANLY) "This gentleman needs a finger splint." 

DAPHNE 

You know what I was thinking. 

NILES 

What? 

DAPHNE MOVES TO SIT ON HIS LAP, WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND HIS NECK AND WHISPERS INTO HIS EAR. AFTER A MOMENT NILES SMILES, AUTOMATICALLY STANDS UP, PICKING UP DAPHNE AT THE SAME TIME AS SHE'S STILL CLINGING TO HIM AND HEADS TOWARDS HER ROOM 

DAPHNE 

Your brother's got a date, we've got to leave. 

AS NILES REACHES THE PIANO HE TURNS AROUND AND THEY HEAD TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Where has this sudden burst of strength come from? 

NILES 

I've been storing it up for the last forty-three years. 

NILES STRUGGLES TO OPEN THE DOOR AS HIS HANDS ARE FULL, ONCE HE'S DONE IT, NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT. EDDIE IS NOW LEFT ON HIS OWN. HE JUMPS OFF MARTIN'S CHAIR AND ONTO ONE OF THE DINNING CHAIRS, CLIMBS UP ON THE TABLE AND ATTEMPTS TO EAT OFF THE PLATTER AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER 

Eddie no get away. Don't make me put you in the blender. 

FRASIER SCARES EDDIE OFF AND HE RETURNS TO SIT ON MARTIN'S CHAIR AS FRASIER TRIES TO COVER UP THE HOLE LEFT ON THE PLATTER 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

I'll squeeze you in there if I have to. 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

She's here, now you behave. 

FRASIER CROSSES TO ANSWER THE DOOR, JODIE ENTERS

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Jodie, so glad you could make it. 

CAROL ENTERS PUSHING PAST JODIE TO SHAKE FRASIER'S HAND. FRASIER NATURALLY LOOKS A LITTLE SPEECHLESS. 

CAROL 

Frasier so nice to see you again. 

FRASIER 

Carol it's certainly surprising to see you again so soon. (SOTTO TO JODIE) What is your mother doing here? 

JODIE 

She didn't have plans, you don't mind do you? 

FRASIER 

Of course not, the more the merrier. 

CAROL 

This isn't going to effect your meal plans is it? 

FRASIER 

Of course not, it'll be fine as soon as I learn how to divide two lobsters between three people. Maybe I should have been a magician not a psychiatrist. 

AS FRASIER POURS THEM BOTH A GLASS OF WINE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/3   
(Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Roz, Jodie, Carol) 

NILES AND DAPHNE SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA. DAPHNE IS ONCE AGAIN STILL BEING EXTREMELY AFFECTIONATE. NILES LOOKS ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTED. 

DAPHNE 

So did you ever wear a white coat? 

NILES 

Sometimes although a lot of the time I was wearing a pair of scrubs. I'm sure Dad has a picture of me in them somewhere with my stethoscope around my neck. 

DAPHNE 

Really? 

NILES 

Why the sudden interest? You've never been this interested in my time at medical school before, probably because I spent most of the time unconscious on a linoleum floor. 

FRASIER ENTERS AND WALKS PAST THEM ON HIS WAY TO THE COUNTER 

DAPHNE 

I'd never seen you in action before until the other night. I loved your rubber gloves. 

FRASIER 

There's a conversation I'm glad I missed the beginning of. (TO THE WAITRESS) Can I have a latte please? Niles long time no see. 

FRASIER SITS DOWN WITH THEM 

NILES 

Well I've been slightly busy over the last few days. (THEN) I haven't seen you to ask you but how did your date go the other day Frasier? 

FRASIER 

It was...how can I put this...interesting. 

DAPHNE 

Why what happened? She didn't try to convert you did she? 

FRASIER 

She brought her mother along. 

NILES 

She what? 

FRASIER 

She brought her mother on our date. 

DAPHNE 

Why? 

FRASIER 

I stand less chance of answering that question then I do of establishing the meaning of life. 

NILES 

I'm sorry. Have you made plans to see her again? Your date, not her mother. 

FRASIER 

I'm supposed to be meeting her here for coffee. 

DAPHNE 

Alone? 

FRASIER 

Of course alone. 

NILES 

You hope. 

DAPHNE 

I'm just going to nip to the powder room. I'll be back. Love you. 

NILES 

Love you too. 

DAPHNE KISSES HIS CHEEK AND EXITS TO THE RESTROOM. NILES WATCHES HER GO AND THE MOMENT SHE IS OUT OF SIGHT HE COLLAPSES FORWARD ON THE TABLE IN A HEAP 

FRASIER 

What is the matter with you? You've got all the life or a repeatedly run over rat. You haven't developed narcolepsy again have you? 

NILES 

Frasier she's killing me. 

FRASIER 

What are you talking about? 

NILES 

Daphne. 

FRASIER 

What her cooking? If Dad and I can stand it constant for eight and a half years without a stomach pump you'll be able to cope. 

NILES 

Ever since I helped at that road accident the other day she's been all over me even more then usual. She seems to be getting turned on by the slightest mention of anything medical. I've had to hide my prescription pan. It's been none stop for the last three days. If it continues at this pace any longer I'll be dead by the end of the week. 

FRASIER 

Oh boo-hoo, at least you're having sex, I've got a human contraceptive coming with me on my dates. 

NILES 

I feel for you Frasier I really do but at the moment I'm too tired to care, it's getting ridiculous. 

FRASIER 

Wait a second, why do you smell of bleach? 

NILES 

I told you it's getting ridiculous. We'd only been in here five minutes before... 

FRASIER 

Please don't finish that sentence. 

NILES 

Please I'm begging you, for my own health's sake don't let me leave with Daphne. 

FRASIER 

I don't know if it's escaped your notice Niles but you're engaged. She's practically living with you. You've moaned for seven years and now you're nearly married you're still not happy. 

NILES 

Do you want me to die? 

FRASIER 

At least you'll go with a smile on your face. 

SFX: FRASIER'S CELL PHONE RINGING

FRASIER TAKES HIS PHONE OUT OF HIS POCKET AND ANSWERS IT 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

(INTO PHONE) Hello? Oh hi Roz. I'm in Nervosa. What do you mean you can't get in? Oh I see. I'll be right there. 

FRASIER HANGS UP HIS PHONE AND PUTS IT AWAY 

NILES 

What's the matter? 

FRASIER 

Roz is locked in her car again she's outside. 

NILES 

Well I guess that makes a change from being locked in some strange sailors bedroom. 

FRASIER AND NILES STAND UP AND EXIT

RESET TO: 

EXT. SIDEWALK OUTSIDE NERVOSA — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND NILES ENTER FROM NERVOSA AND WALK OVER TO THE CURB WHERE A CAR IS PARKED. AS FRASIER APPROACHES ROZ SITS UP AND WAVES HIM OVER 

FRASIER 

Hello Roz. I'm suddenly having a sense of déjà vu. Oh that's right there was that Polaroid of you going around the station last Christmas. 

MAN 

When you've finished making fun, can you help me? 

NILES 

Hello Roz. 

ROZ 

Why did you have to bring him? 

FRASIER 

I didn't he followed me. 

NILES 

I know you have the reputation of being trailer trash Roz but there's no need for you to actually live in your car. 

MAN 

You just wait. 

NILES 

For what exactly? 

ROZ 

Let me out and you'll see. 

NILES 

Frasier there are certain laws about releasing caged wild animals back into the wild. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM NERVOSA AND WALKS OVER TO JOIN THEM 

DAPHNE 

There you are. I'd thought you'd been kidnapped. 

ROZ 

Can someone please open the door? It's quite stiff so you're really going to have to pull it hard. 

FRASIER GRABS HOLD OF THE HANDLE AND PULLS SO HARD HIS FACE TURNS RED WITHOUT MAKING IT OPEN 

FRASIER 

I can't budge it. 

NILES 

Here let me help. 

ROZ 

You? Why don't you try and open it with a feather. 

DAPHNE 

Oh for God's sake let me do it. 

DAPHNE PUSHES PAST BOTH OF THEM AND OPENS IT WITH RELATIVE EASE 

FRASIER 

I loosened it. 

ROZ GETS OUT OF THE CAR AND SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT, KICKING IT AFTERWARDS 

ROZ 

I refuse to dump this car I've only just bought it. 

NILES 

Well then may I suggest you get a catscan if you'd rather keep getting locked in then buy a new one or get it repaired. 

DAPHNE 

Did you ever order a catscan? 

NILES 

I've watched them. 

DAPHNE 

Really? Bye Dr. Crane, Roz. 

DAPHNE TAKES NILES HAND AND LEADS HIM OFF DOWN THE STREET. NILES MAKES A DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO STAY WHERE HE IS BY GRABBING ON TO ROZ'S CAR, BUT FAILS. FRASIER AND ROZ WATCH THEM LEAVE 

ROZ 

What's his problem? 

FRASIER 

He's never happy. 

JODIE AND CAROL ROUND THE CORNER AND EXIT INTO NERVOSA 

ROZ 

Isn't that Jodie I see going in Nervosa. 

FRASIER 

And her mother. Dear God why does she keep bringing her everywhere? 

ROZ 

Face it, you're dating both of them. I know you've dated a mother and a daughter before, but do you have to do it at the same time? 

AS FRASIER AND ROZ WALK BACK TOWARDS NERVOSA WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

FADE IN: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/4   
(Frasier, Roz, Carol, Jodie, Will (VO)) 

ROZ STANDS IN HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH AS FRASIER ENTERS INTO HIS SIDE FOLLOWED CLOSELY BY JODIE AND CAROL

FRASIER 

This is the booth. And right through there is where Roz sits. 

ROZ 

And does the hard part, not that I get any credit. 

CAROL 

It's all very impressive Frasier. To think that you speak to so many people from in here. 

ROZ 

He actually speaks to a lot more people then you'd think, most of the callers are schizophrenic. 

CAROL 

Is that Gill Chesterton? Excuse me I must go and say hello. 

CAROL EXITS FROM THE BOOTH 

JODIE 

Thank you Frasier for showing us around. My mother really has enjoyed it. 

FRASIER 

And I've enjoyed seeing her yet again. Is she by any chance planning on taking a vacation anytime soon? 

JODIE 

No. 

FRASIER 

Planning on moving to Florida? 

JODIE 

No. Why? 

FRASIER 

Oh just curious. 

CAROL ENTERS BACK INTO THE BOOTH 

CAROL 

He was most charming. Well come on dear, Frasier has a show to do, people to help and we have to buy you those skirts. 

JODIE 

Okay, bye Frasier. Bye Roz. 

ROZ 

Bye guys. 

FRASIER 

Bye. I'll call you. 

JODIE AND CAROL EXIT AS FRASIER SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND THEM AND SLUMPS DOWN IN HIS CHAIR 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Someone shoot me. 

ROZ 

What the hell happened this time? You invited her mother to look around the station? 

FRASIER 

No yesterday after coffee, I invited Jodie to have lunch with me today. And once again following her like some sort of miniature antique stalker Carol joined us. I brought them here hoping that the stairs would be too much for dear old ma and she'd have to wait in the car. 

MAN 

I take it didn't work. 

FRASIER 

She has better hips then I do. She sprinted up here. 

ROZ 

Can't you just say something to her? 

FRASIER 

I would but it's so delicate. Jodie must be emotionally in a very fragile state, it's difficult to say anything. 

MAN 

Well you'll have time to think later, you're on in three. 

FRASIER OUTS HIS HEADPHONES ON AND GOES ON AIR 

FRASIER 

Hello Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane and I'll be here for the next three hours answering your calls. So without further ado let's get straight to the phones. Roz who do we have on line one? 

MAN 

We have Will from Mercer Island. 

FRASIER 

Hello Will, I'm listening. 

WILL (VO) 

Hello Dr. Crane. I have this problem with this woman I'm dating. You see everywhere that we go, every date that we go on, she brings her mother along. It's becoming very hard to you know take it to the next level without the fear of a little old lady sitting there watching with her reading glasses on the end of her nose. 

FRASIER SHUTS OFF HIS MIC TO TALK TO ROZ 

FRASIER 

You know sometimes this show is my saviour. 

FRASIER TURNS HIS MIC BACK ON AGAIN 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

That certainly is a complicated problem Will. 

ROZ 

Yeah one that you can't handle yourself. 

FRASIER 

What are you thinking of doing? 

WILL 

Well that's about as useful as a solar panel on a torch. Erm...I really don't know. I'm down to two options. 

FRASIER 

Which are? 

WILL 

Either burning her, or hiring a hit man. 

FRASIER 

I would strongly discourage you from doing both of those, especially as you've just announced it live on the radio. 

WILL 

Oh that's no real problem, I mean who listens to this show anyway? 

FRASIER HANGS UP ON WILL 

FRASIER 

Obviously not you. We'll be right back Seattle to answer more of your calls after this commercial break. 

FRASIER GOES OFF AIR 

ROZ 

Well that was helpful. I've got a match and you know Jerome Berlasco's phone number. So which is it to be? 

AS FRASIER GLARES AT ROZ THROUGH THE GLASS WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(E) 

TITLE CARD: "HE DOESN'T HAVE A G-STRING TO STUFF IT IN" 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/4   
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Eddie) 

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR READING THE PAPER AND NILES LIES FAST ASLEEP FACE DOWN ON THE COUCH WITH EDDIE PERCHED ON THE ARM WATCHING HIM. FRASIER ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

FRASIER 

Hi Dad. 

MARTIN 

Hey, Frasier. 

FRASIER 

What's Niles doing? 

MARTIN 

Sleeping. 

FRASIER 

For any particular reason? 

MARTIN 

My guess would be because he's tired but I spent years piecing together clues and parts of hookers so it's easy for me. 

FRASIER 

There's no reason to be sarcastic. 

MARTIN 

He just came in looking like he'd be dragged through a hedge, mumbled something completely incoherent and so high pitched that only dogs could hear it and just fell asleep. He's been there for over an hour without moving. Well except when Eddie started licking his ear, then you'd think he had just attacked him. 

FRASIER 

Where's Daphne? 

MARTIN 

She went to the grocery store right before Niles got here. I bet they bumped into each other in the elevator. 

FRASIER 

(KNOWINGLY) Oh I bet they did. 

NILES' LEG SUDDENLY STARTS TO TWITCH 

MARTIN 

Look at that he's dreaming. Probably about chasing rabbits. 

FRASIER 

This is Niles we're talking about. The rabbits are probably chasing him. 

MARTIN 

Did your show go well? 

FRASIER 

Yes it was fine. You know Dad have you been speed walking with Eddie again? You look really trim. 

MARTIN 

Nope. But then again Daphne's cooking has the tendency to make you loose weight and a couple of vital organs. 

FRASIER 

Well you look great what ever the reason. 

MARTIN 

Are you drunk? You sound as if you're hitting on me. 

FRASIER 

I'm just complimenting you Dad. Can I get you a beer, pork rinds, find you some sort of sport on the television? 

MARTIN 

What do you want? 

FRASIER 

What makes you think I want anything? 

MARTIN 

You're being overly nice to me, now you're not a woman so you're not hitting on me, I've only just seen Dr. Stewart so I know I'm not dying, which only means you want something. 

FRASIER 

Oh all right fine. I want you to come on a date with me. 

MARTIN 

I was right, you are hitting on me! I knew there was something strange about you from birth! No child should be that fussy! 

FRASIER 

No, no, no, Dad. Jodie takes her mother everywhere with us on our dates. I really like her Dad, so I was hoping you could come along and maybe take her off our hands. 

MARTIN 

Oh no chance, I'm not getting involved. 

FRASIER 

Please Dad, Carol is really attractive. 

MARTIN 

Oh I bet real pretty. Why else would she have to cling on to her daughter and her dates if she looks like someone who should be fending off men with sticks? 

FRASIER 

All right a thousand dollars. 

MARTIN 

We have a deal. 

FRASIER 

You'd really take that much money off me for this? You'd accept a bribe? After you've lived with me for free for eight and a half years? 

MARTIN 

Oh believe me I've paid for living with you. 

AS NILES ROLLS OVER SLIGHTLY AND FALLS OFF THE COUCH WITH A THUD WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

TITLE CARD: "DR. SUESS MANAGED" 

FADE IN: 

INT. NILES' OFFICE — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/5   
(Mrs. Woodson, Niles, Daphne) 

NILES SITS BEHIND HIS DESK FIGHTING TO NOT FALL OFF TO SLEEP AS MRS. WOODSON STANDS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF HIS DESK READING FROM A SCHEDULE. 

MRS. WOODSON 

Your last patient will be here at five and your three o'clock phoned and said he would be running about ten minutes late. Dr. Crane are you all right? Dr. Crane? 

NILES 

Yes, sorry did you say something? 

MRS. WOODSON 

Are you feeling all right? Your eyes look a little glassy. You look like my father-in-law after his caterax surgery. 

NILES 

I'm fine I'm just tired. 

MRS. WOODSON 

Are you sure? Because that's just what my husband said before he found a lump, he died not long after. 

NILES 

I'm so terribly sorry. He died of cancer? 

MRS. WOODSON 

No it was a water skiing accident. He fell forward and impaled himself with his own ski. We all thought he was doing a trick. It wasn't until his grip went on the rope and he got caught up in a passing boats propeller that we even knew something was wrong. But then he would do all these adventurous things because he thought he was dying, in the end it was inevitable. 

NILES 

How awful, what was the lump? 

MRS. WOODSON 

Oh that, that was just a mole. If he'd have exercised once in a while before his accident, one he might have lived through it, and two he might have been able to see over his stomach to have noticed that it was a mole shaped like a shoetree. 

NILES 

Ok...What were we talking about? 

MRS. WOODSON 

Are you sure you're okay? 

NILES 

I'm fine, just sleepy. 

MRS. WOODSON 

Up late on the job again I suppose? 

NILES 

Something like that yes. 

MRS. WOODSON 

You really do work too hard. You should spend more time with your fiancée before she thinks you've changed your mind. Can I get you a coffee to perk you up a little? 

NILES 

Thank you very much. 

MRS. WOODSON 

I won't be long, our coffee machine is still making it taste like sewer water, I'll have to go next door. 

NILES 

Okay, thank you. 

MRS. WOODSON EXITS AS NILES RUBS HIS EYES BEFORE SETTING OUT TO START WRITING 

A BEAT 

DAPHNE ENTERS AND KNOCKS ON HIS DOOR. NILES DOESN'T LOOK UP 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Mrs. Woodson, you don't have to keep knocking, you can just come in. 

DAPHNE 

Does that rule apply to me? 

NILES 

Daphne what are you doing here? 

DAPHNE 

Can't I just drop in and see you? 

NILES 

Of course you can. I'm sorry. Hi. 

NILES GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FRONT OF HIS DESK TO GREET DAPHNE. THEY KISS BEFORE BOTH PERCHING ON THE EDGE OF HIS DESK 

NILES (CONT'D) 

But you can't stay long I have a patient arriving in about ten minutes. 

DAPHNE 

That's okay. I'll run along before then. I just wanted to see how your back is after the shower incident. You really should invest in some decent traction decal. 

DAPHNE PUTS HER ARM ACROSS HIS BACK AND STARTS TO RUB IT 

NILES 

It's fine as long as I don't try to sit, stand or lie down. 

DAPHNE 

So what can you do? 

NILES 

Crawl up in a ball and wince. 

DAPHNE 

And you don't think the mentally disturbed will have a problem taking advice from a psychiatrist behaving nuttier then they are? 

NILES 

Half of them don't know when I'm in the room anyway. That's when I have time to make my grocery store list. 

DAPHNE 

Do you want me to massage it for you? 

NILES 

But my patient. 

DAPHNE 

It's only a quick rub. I'm not going to strip you naked and straddle you on the table rubbing you all over while some poor sod sits in the corner crying and rocking back and forth holding their knees talking about being abused as a child. Now come on, lie down on your couch. 

NILES AGREES AND SITS ON THE COUCH 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Although saying that, I could if you wanted to. 

NILES LEAPS UP AND SHUTS HIS DOOR 

NILES 

What doctor needs a license anyway? 

AS NILES GRABS DAPHNE AND KISSES HER WE: 

FADE OUT 

(G) 

FADE IN: 

EXT. ROZ'S CAR PARKED OUTSIDE HER APARTMENT — EVENING — DAY/5   
(Roz, Man, Officer) 

ROZ SITS IN HER CAR THAT HAS JUST COME TO A COMPLETE STOP. SHE TURNS OFF THE ENGINE AND TAKES HER KEYS OUT. SHE THEN PICKS UP HER BAG OFF THE PASSENGER SEAT AND GOES TO OPEN THE DOOR WHICH IS STUCK YET AGAIN. 

ROZ 

Oh my God, no. What is wrong with this car? Open damn you! Where is my cell phone? Having the bill run up by one of Alice's bears I bet. Are the God's conspiring against me? What have I done to offend you? Sure I'm no Sunday school teacher, but if I start confessing now no other person in the Parish will get a look in. Surely I don't deserve this. Hitler got off lighter! First Alice projectile vomits on my dress from across the other side of the room, my date leaves the restaurant because his God damn toupee catches on fire when he leant too close to a candle because he noticed he was drooling again and now I'm locked in my car! Why God don't you just hit me with a bolt of lightening it would be more humane! 

A MAN WHO LOOKS AS IF HE'S BEEN SLEEPING RUFF WALKS PAST HER CAR 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Hey buddy can you do me a favour? 

THE MAN COMES BACK TO HER CAR AND STARTS TO FLICK THE AERIAL 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

No leave the aerial where it is, it's the only thing that actually works. I'm locked in my car, can you open the door for me and let me out? 

MAN 

You're real pretty. 

ROZ 

Yes and so are you in a grotesque toothless one eye kind of way. 

MAN 

Now you're just trying to seduce me. 

ROZ 

No trust me I'm really not. Can you just open the door, please? I'll pay you. 

MAN 

There's no need to pay me, I'll have a bit of sex with you for free. I'll even stay to cuddle. 

ROZ 

As appealing as that is I just want you to open the door and not touch me. Not even with a ten-foot pole. 

MAN 

You're playing one of those mind games aren't you? You say no when you really mean yes. 

MAN 

No. I say no because I really mean no. 

MAN 

I can buy you a bit of dinner first. I know of a dumpster around the back of a fine Italian restaurant. 

ROZ 

OK, how can I put this nicely? Can you just go away? I'd rather just have to spend the night in my car. 

MAN 

Hey honey, don't start the engine if you don't want to drive the car. 

THE MAN WALKS AWAY AND EXITS DOWN THE STREET 

ROZ 

Hey, now that's nice. Well the same to you buddy! Okay how do I get out of here? Daphne if you really are psychic, hear me now and come and rescue me. But don't bring Niles. I don't want to have to try to strangle him tonight. I'm too tired. I wouldn't enjoy it. 

A POLICE OFFICER SLOWLY APPROACHES BEHIND ROZ'S CAR WHO SHE SEES IN HER REAR VIEW WINDOW 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Wait what's this? Oh thank God the Police. He's really pretty, how do I look? Well I've already attracted one man tonight, that already improved my bating average. Except your talking to yourself which is quite worrying. OK Roz, charm. (SHOUTS THROUGH THE WINDOW) Hello officer. I wasn't speeding was I? 

OFFICER 

Are you okay ma'am? 

ROZ 

I'm fine, but I'm locked in my car. The handle is stuck and the window won't open. Can you open it for me? 

OFFICER 

Certainly. 

HE HAS A QUICK STRUGGLE WITH THE HANDLE BUT MANAGES TO OPEN IT AS ROZ STEPS OUT 

ROZ 

Thank you...Officer Richards. 

OFFICER 

You should get that looked at. 

ROZ 

I guess but on the upside if anyone steals it, they'll be caught red handed. 

OFFICER 

I guess so. Can I have your name please? 

HE TAKES OUT A PAD FROM HIS POCKET 

ROZ 

I thought you'd never ask, it's Roz. 

OFFICER 

And your surname. 

ROZ 

Doyle. 

OFFICER 

How do you spell that please? 

ROZ 

D..o..y..l..e. You're the first guy to ever write my name down before asking me out on a date. One guy kept calling me Roxanne all the way through dinner. Needless to say nothing came from it. 

OFFICER 

Ma'am I'm not asking you out on a date. 

ROZ 

Then what are you doing? 

OFFICER 

I'm cautioning you for vagrancy. You can't sleep in your car on the sidewalk. 

MAN 

I already told you, lightening would be more humane. 

AS ROZ LOOKS UP TO THE HEAVENS AND THE OFFICER KEEPS WRITING WE: 

FADE OUT 

(H) 

FADE IN: 

INT. RESTAURANT — EVENING — DAY/5   
(Frasier, Martin, Man, Jodie) 

FRASIER AND MARTIN SIT EXQUISITELY DRESSED IN THE MIDDLE OF A CROWDED RESTAURANT. MARTIN LOOKS EXTREMELY BORED COMPARED TO FRASIER WHO LOOKS NERVOUS 

FRASIER 

Will you straighten up? 

MARTIN 

I'm sorry I wasn't aware I was doing my hunchback impression. Thank God you told me before I started swinging on a rope and screaming about the bells. 

FRASIER 

That's not what I meant and you know it. Stop slouching. 

MARTIN 

Oh what's the big deal? 

FRASIER 

I want you to make a good impression. 

MARTIN 

What's wrong with me, just being me? 

FRASIER 

I said make a good impression not scare them both off men completely. Will you just do what I tell you? 

MARTIN 

Who do you think I am? 

FRASIER 

A gigolo since you accepted money off me to do this. 

MARTIN 

Oh all right fine. But putting out is extra. 

FRASIER 

I don't even want to think about that possibility. 

MARTIN 

Did you ever think that maybe she won't turn up with her mother tonight? 

FRASIER 

Trust me she will. You'd think they were joined at the hip. 

MARTIN 

Maybe they were at some point. 

FRASIER 

They're mother and daughter not Siamese twins. Have you been drinking? 

MARTIN 

Just a couple of beers before I was subjected to this torture. 

THE SAME MAN FROM A FEW DAYS BEFORE IN NERVOSA WALKS PAST AND HEARS THE NEXT SENTENCE 

FRASIER 

But I've paid you to come here in the first place. 

MAN 

Hey there's no need to pay for company you know. There are plenty of guys out there who would just love to have dinner with such a good looking charming man as you. 

FRASIER 

Yes thank you, wait don't I know you? 

MAN 

Yeah you were with that woman in Nervosa who I had that thing with. 

FRASIER 

I was there, there was no thing. 

MAN 

Is she here? Do you think she'll go out with me? 

FRASIER 

I shall have to say no to both. 

MAN 

Well then my offer to you stands, I'm really beginning to get desperate. 

MARTIN 

And he pays a lot as well, I'm on a thousand. 

FRASIER 

Dad be quiet. Now off you go. 

THE MAN EXITS TOWARDS THE RESTROOM 

MARTIN 

What was that about? 

FRASIER 

Trust me you don't want to know. Dad I'm begging you please don't show me up tonight, I really like Jodie. I don't want you to scare her off. 

MARTIN 

I take offence to that. When I have I ever scared off one of your dates? 

FRASIER 

Are you forgetting when that woman from the bookstore finally agreed to go out with me? She came around for brunch and you were at the breakfast table with a sausage hanging from your mouth, in your underwear and that ridiculous Viking hat. 

MARTIN 

It was Halloween. 

FRASIER 

Yes but you're supposed to scare small children not terrify my dates half to death. She thought you were insane and presumed it would be hereditary. 

MARTIN 

Where are they anyway? I'm starving. I could eat a whole cow. 

FRASIER 

That is precisely the kind of thing I'm talking about. 

MARTIN 

It's an expression. You don't really expect me to have an entire cow wheeled in here and chew on a hoof while you make small talk and pass the butter. 

JODIE ENTERS THROUGH THE MAIN ENTRANCE AND SLOWLY MAKES HER WAY TOWARDS THE TABLE 

FRASIER 

Hush up here she is. 

MARTIN 

Is her mother invisible or just really short? 

FRASIER STANDS TO GREET JODIE 

FRASIER 

Jodie hello. How are you? 

JODIE 

Erm...I'm just fine thanks. We're sharing a table? 

FRASIER 

Oh no, sorry, let me make the introductions. Jodie Lane this is my father Martin Crane. Dad this is Jodie. 

MARTIN 

Pleased to meet you. 

JODIE 

Likewise I'm sure. This is certainly a surprise. 

THEY SHAKE HANDS 

FRASIER 

Where is your mother tonight? 

JODIE 

I'm not sure. At home I guess. 

FRASIER 

Oh really? Excuse me. Dad can I have a word with you? 

FRASIER GRABS MARTIN BY THE ARM AND LEADS HIM TOWARDS THE BAR. AS SOON AS THEY ARE OUT OF EARSHOT JODIE TAKES OUT HER CELL PHONE AND DIALS 

JODIE 

(INTO PHONE) Hello Helen? Oh my God you'll never guess what has happened. I'm on my date and he's bought his father along. I know how weird is that? If he brings him on a date he'll have no problem with having him sleep at the end of the bed. So what do you think I should do? You don't think he'll notice me sneaking out? You're right who cares? He's a freak. I'm out of here. 

JODIE HANGS UP THE PHONE 

MARTIN 

Joined at the hip? She must be a tiny, tiny woman then. 

FRASIER 

I don't understand what's going on? 

MARTIN 

You've been hallucinating again. 

FRASIER 

Why has she suddenly stopped bringing her? 

MARTIN 

Frasier what is your problem? You've been complaining because she takes her everywhere and you have no time alone. You make me come to get rid of her and now she hasn't turned up, you're not happy. 

FRASIER 

Then what exactly is my problem? Now off you go. 

MARTIN 

But what about my dinner? 

FRASIER 

Ah I see, that's my problem, you won't leave now. Can't you go and have a meal at Duke's? 

MARTIN 

Oh fine, I can afford it. I have a thousand dollars weighing my pocket down. 

FRASIER 

You are not keeping that money. 

MARTIN 

You asked me to come to dinner, I've come to dinner. Is it my fault it didn't turn out like you thought? 

FRASIER 

But you haven't done anything. 

JODIE GETS UP TO SNEAK OUT BUT MARTIN SPOTS HER 

MARTIN 

Isn't that Jodie just getting up to leave? 

FRASIER 

Oh my God. All I asked you to do was not scare her off and look what you've done. 

MARTIN 

Me? You're the one whose been talking to her imaginary mother. 

FRASIER RACES ACROSS THE ROOM AND CATCHES UP WITH JODIE BY THE DOOR 

FRASIER 

Jodie, Jodie. Where are you going? 

JODIE 

I'm sorry Frasier but this just isn't going to work out. 

FRASIER 

Why not? 

JODIE 

I'm sorry Frasier I think you're a really nice guy, but your father? I'm sorry. I can't deal with a guy who is so emotionally insecure that he has to bring his father on dates with him for a bit of support. It's not your fault you're emotionally stunted. Those apron strings should have been cut a long time ago. Good-bye. 

JODIE EXITS AS FRASIER STARES AFTER HER LOOKING STUNNED. HE EVENTUALLY TURNS AROUND TO SEE A COUPLE LOOKING AT HIM ODDLY 

FRASIER 

What are you all looking at me like that for? She did it first. She brought her mother on two dates. 

AS FRASIER MAKES HIS WAY BACK TO HIS TABLE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(I) 

FADE IN: 

INT. NILES' RECEPTION — EVENING — DAY/5   
(Mrs. Woodson, Niles, Patient) 

MRS. WOODSON STANDS STARING AT THE DOOR TO NILES' OFFICE AS A PATIENT LIES ASLEEP ON ONE OF THE CHAIRS OUTSIDE. MRS. WOODSON LOOKS AT HER WATCH AND THEN CONSIDERS KNOCKING ON THE DOOR BUT CHANGES HER MIND. INSTEAD SHE PRESSES THE INTERCOM ON THE PHONE AND SPEAKS INTO IT 

MRS. WOODSON 

Dr. Crane should I send Mr. Jones home? He's been waiting five hours for his appointment. 

NILES (VO) 

Yes just send him home and rearranged all the appointments I've missed today first thing in the morning, you can go yourself now. 

MRS. WOODSON 

Are you okay in there? 

NILES (VO) 

I'm fine. I'm just continuing an emergency appointment with one of my sexual obsessives. 

AS MRS. WOODSON TRIES TO WAKE UP THE PATIENT WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER AND MARTIN SIT AT THE TABLE IN THE RESTAURANT WAITING FOR THE CHEQUE AFTER HAVING STAYED THERE AND EATEN AFTER ALL. WHEN THE WAITER FINALLY BRINGS THE CHEQUE FRASIER TAKES ONE LOOK AT IT AND THEN PASSES IT TO MARTIN. MARTIN THEN LOOKS AT IT AND HANDS IT BACK TO FRASIER WHO THEN GESTURES TOWARDS MARTIN'S WALLET AND HANDS THE CHEQUE BACK. THIS CONTINUES AND BECOMES MORE AGGRESSIVE THE LONGER IT GOES ON. 


	12. Episode Twelve

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Grub Street Productions and Paramount Pictures. _

_Thanks to everyone who sent feedback last time. I'm sorry this one took so long to get finished but pesky degree courses seem to be getting in my way. Please send all feedback, small mammals painted different colours and turned into hats, life size cut outs of Hollywood stars and Star Wars toys to kelly_simba@hotmail.com _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Nine Episode Twelve   
The Life of Frasier 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: "MEET DOCTOR FAUSTUS CRANE" 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — MORNING — DAY/1   
(Niles, Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Bebe) 

DAPHNE STANDS IN THE KITCHEN HEATING UP A FRYING PAN ON THE STOVE WITH ONE HAND AND WHISKING A MIXTURE IN A JUG WITH THE OTHER HAND. NILES ENTERS. 

NILES 

There you are. 

HE KISSES HER CHEEK 

NILES (CONT'D) 

I wondered where you'd snuck off to. When I rolled over and you weren't there I thought I was having that Beethoven in space dream again and you were tuning the piano with your unicorns. 

DAPHNE 

I've been up for hours. You were making that noise in your sleep again. I had to get out before the noise started to make my ears bleed. Or more importantly before I smothered you. 

MARTIN ENTERS

NILES 

(HURT) I don't make a noise when I sleep. 

MARTIN 

Yes you do. I can hear you and I'm sleeping clear across the other side of the apartment. When you stay over I have to put a pair of earmuffs on Eddie because the noise makes him whine, foam at the mouth, run around in circles and then pull a chunk of my hair out. Your snoring is making me go bald; I'm surprised I haven't started to look like Frasier. 

NILES 

I don't snore. 

MARTIN STARTS TO MAKE SOME COFFEE 

DAPHNE 

To be fair you don't. It's more like some really out of tune harmonica rattling around in your nose. It puts me in mind of the Police sirens back in Manchester when there was a riot. When you heard that noise you knew some poor yob was about to be blasted with the water cannon while carrying a microwave under one arm and a television under the other and hurdling on fire bushes down the high street. It got so high pitched this morning a pigeon flew into the window. It's a good job the window was shut. I don't know if it was trying to get in to peck your eyes out or mate with you. 

NILES 

Was it okay? 

DAPHNE 

I think so. I doubt it really needed those extra fathers and organs that were smeared on the window. I'm not looking forward to scraping that lot off with a spatula later. 

MARTIN 

Suddenly I don't feel like bacon anymore. 

NILES 

You're not exactly the quietest sleeper yourself chatty. 

DAPHNE 

What does that mean? 

NILES 

I've had an entire conversation with you before now in the middle of the night until I realised you were fast asleep. 

DAPHNE 

What was I saying? 

NILES 

Something about a leprechaun in a pair of flannel pants. 

DAPHNE 

How do you know I was asleep? 

NILES 

When's the last time we had a conversation like that? 

DAPHNE 

How about right now? 

NILES 

Okay you've got me there. 

MARTIN STARES AT WHAT DAPHNE IS DOING 

MARTIN 

What are you making for breakfast? 

DAPHNE 

Unless I've managed to produce this milk myself without noticing, nothing. Here eat your bran flakes. 

DAPHNE HANDS MARTIN HIS BOWL OF BRAN FLAKES BEFORE HE STARTS TO STIR THE MIXTURE IN THE JUG WITH GREAT DIFFICULTY 

MARTIN 

What's this then? It looks like something formally custard or wallpaper paste. You could glue the wing on a jet with that. 

DAPHNE 

I'm trying to perfect my batter ready for Pancake Day. 

NILES 

Pancake Day? You have a day set aside just for eating pancakes? 

DAPHNE 

Yeah on Shrove Tuesday. 

MARTIN 

(SOTTO TO NILES) It's an English thing just humour her before she moves on to raw pigs feet and giblets day. 

DAPHNE 

(TO NILES) And guess what. You're going to be my guinea pig. After you've eaten these, I'll try another batch until I get the ingredients just right. By the time I'm done you'll have eaten so many pancakes they'll be coming out of your ears. 

NILES 

But what about Dad? Why can't he help? 

MARTIN 

You heard what my health care specialist said I'm only allowed bran flakes. 

MARTIN EXITS WITH HIS BRAN FLAKES AS NILES STARES AFTER HIM WORRIED 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN ENTERS THE EMPTY ROOM AND SITS DOWN AT THE DINNING TABLE GRINNING TO HIMSELF 

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

(RE: BRAN FLAKES) And I've never been more pleased to see them. 

FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS BEDROOM 

FRASIER 

Good morning everyone. 

MARTIN 

You're cheery this morning. Have you gone a day without finding a load of hair on your pillow? Don't get too excited, it's just leading you into a false sense of security either that or you rolled over in the night and swallowed it. 

NILES ENTERS WITH A RATHER SAD LOOKING PANCAKE ON A PLATE AND SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE STARING AT IT RATHER WORRIEDLY 

FRASIER 

And suddenly I'm suicidal again. (RE: PANCAKE) What's that? 

NILES 

Daphne's made a pancake. 

FRASIER 

Out of what? A boot? 

NILES 

It's melting the pattern off the plate. 

NILES STABS IT WITH HIS FORK AND PICKS UP A PIECE OF MEAT 

NILES (CONT'D) 

What is this? Do you suppose this raw meat is meant to be included? 

DAPHNE ENTERS WITH THE COFFEE AS NILES IMMEDIATELY PUTS THE MEAT IN HIS MOUTH AND CHEWS PRETENDING TO ENJOY IT BUT FAILING BADLY 

DAPHNE 

Eat that one up, then try one from my second batch and see which you think is the best. I've even attempted to make some homemade maple syrup. It's a little of the thick side. You may need to cut it with the scissor when you've finished pouring, just like Grammy Moon used to make. 

DAPHNE EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN AS MARTIN PICKS UP THE JUG WITH THE MAPLE SYRUP IN AND TURNS IT UPSIDE DOWN. NOT A DROP POURS OUT 

FRASIER 

And the mystery surrounding Grammy Moon's sudden death becomes clearer and clearer. 

MARTIN 

Yeah she probably clubbed herself to death with this. 

NILES 

Dad do you still have your gun. 

MARTIN 

I'd love to help you son, but if you don't eat them, she'll make me do it and I'm an old man, it would kill me quicker. At least with you we'll know the signs and you'll have a chance to survive with all your organs intact. Whether or not they'll be functioning is another question. 

FRASIER 

Aren't you just the little ray of sunshine today. 

DAPHNE RE-ENTERS AND SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE 

MARTIN 

Well I've lost the TV remote. 

DAPHNE 

How can you loose it? It's the size of a breezeblock. I think that's what sank the Titanic. 

MARTIN 

I don't know how but I have. Someone must have moved it. 

FRASIER 

Why are you looking at me? Yes I moved it. I keep it under my pillow in case we are burgled and then I can blink the robber to death with the little red light on the top. 

DAPHNE 

Why don't you just walk up to it and switch it on? 

MARTIN 

Because that's defeating the object. 

NILES 

I was switched at birth, I'm sure of it. 

FRASIER 

Well then so was I as well. 

NILES 

Impossible, you have Dad's chubby thighs. 

DAPHNE 

Well to make up for it, you can test some of these. 

DAPHNE PUSHES A PLATE OF PANCAKES TOWARDS HIM 

MARTIN 

I no, really Daph I'm fine with my bran flakes. Mumm...yum. 

DAPHNE 

You hate those bran flakes. 

MARTIN 

No I don't I love them. Where would you get such a ridiculous notion? 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER GETS UP AND CROSSES TO ANSWER THE DOOR 

NILES 

You always try to feed them to Eddie when no one is looking. 

MARTIN 

And you get that I hate them from that? 

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND BEBE ENTERS

FRASIER 

Bebe! What can I do for you so early on a Sunday? 

NILES 

Well she can't go to church. The building would melt when it rained sulphur as she walked in. 

BEBE 

Niles how nice to see you. I'm lying of course. Now, Frasier! Frasier, Frasier, Frasier! How long has it been? 

NILES 

Nearly two months but we all still wake up shrieking. 

BEBE 

How are you my number one client, my shinning beacon of the airwaves? 

MARTIN 

Well I'm feeling nauseous listening to you from all the way over here, so Frasier must be feeling terminally ill standing next to you. 

BEBE 

Oh Martin, you're still alive. 

FRASIER 

Can we end the pleasantries now please? Don't make me send you all to your rooms. I'm fine thank you Bebe now what can I do for you? 

BEBE 

It's not what you can do for me but what I've done for you. 

NILES 

Hold her there Frasier I'll get the hammer and the stake she's sold your soul to the devil. 

FRASIER 

What have you done? Who have you choked this time for the sake of my career? That Nun may have been slightly abusive on the phone the other day but she was drunk. 

BEBE 

No one dear, it's just that...why no one has been making those baby blues cry recently have they? Just tell Auntie Bebe all about it and I shall put it right. 

FRASIER 

No I'm fine Bebe. 

NILES 

Although if anything were wrong surely wouldn't you see it in your cauldron? 

DAPHNE CUTS UP A PIECE OF PANCAKE FROM ANOTHER BATCH AND MAKES NILES EAT IT 

DAPHNE 

Here eat this. 

BEBE 

Thank you Daphne. Frasier have you ever seen those biographies on NBC, those Life and Times programmes of the rich and famous? 

MARTIN 

I thought that show got cancelled. 

DAPHNE 

No it's still running. I saw it the other day in the early hours when I couldn't sleep, but they only have minor celebrities that you've never heard of before on there now. They had that dog off that sitcom on there when I saw it. 

BEBE 

And the next subject of their show is going to be the one and only Dr. Frasier Crane. 

FRASIER 

Me? 

BEBE 

Yes you. The life and times of Frasier Crane broadcast on a major network for all the country to see. 

NILES 

Only if they change their sleeping habits. 

DAPHNE 

That one will definitely knock me out cold next time I can't sleep, possibly permanently. 

MARTIN 

They're going to fill an entire hour about Frasier? 

BEBE 

Of course. 

MARTIN 

Aren't these shows supposed to be interesting? I guess they could just pad it out with lots of photographs and commercials. 

AS FRASIER GLARES AT MARTIN AND BEBE MAKES HERSELF COMFORTABLE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

FADE IN: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Roz) 

FRASIER ENTERS INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH TO SEE ROZ BEHIND THE GLASS IN A PAIR OF RUBBER GLOVES CLEANING ANYTHING IN SIGHT 

FRASIER 

How long has it been traditional for producers to wear rubber gloves and clench a bottle of bleach during a radio show? 

ROZ 

My Grandfather is coming. 

FRASIER 

What here? Now? You've not put him in one of your drawers over there have you? He might pop a hip when you try to pry him out. 

ROZ 

No next week to my house. I have to make sure that everything is clean before he gets here. 

FRASIER 

So he's not actually coming to the station? 

ROZ 

Not unless they've installed a stair lift while I've been in here. 

FRASIER 

Can't he use the elevator? 

ROZ 

He gets claustrophobic and has a tendency to loose control of his bodily functions. Trust me you do not want to use the shower after him. You come out dirtier then when you went in and not just because he has the tendency to sit in the bathroom and watch you without you knowing. 

FRASIER 

Okay so he's not coming here. 

ROZ 

That's right. 

FRASIER 

So why are you cleaning the booth? 

ROZ 

Because he's a clean freak. He's worse then Niles. The last time he came if I didn't hoover every twenty minutes he'd get his oxygen mask out that he carries everywhere. He had the thing permanently strapped to his face. It was like staying with Darth Vadar. 

FRASIER 

Roz I don't understand. 

ROZ 

You see Darth Vadar is a... 

FRASIER 

Oh please Roz I do know a little something about rap music thanks to Freddie. But your Grandfather is not coming here. So why are you cleaning the booth? Have you installed a camera for him or does he have a dirt radar? 

ROZ 

He'll know if I've been anywhere that's dirty which means that my social life has been put on hold. Everywhere I go has to be spotless. 

FRASIER 

Well feel free to come and clean my place, I'm sure Daphne won't mind. Are you going to at least stop that during the show? Scrubwomen have the habit of distracting me especially if they are Eastern European scrubwomen. 

ROZ 

Believe me I can do both. 

FRASIER 

Shouldn't you be giving all your attention to the show? 

ROZ 

Well if I have to but talk about clique. I have been known to make my grocery list, book a hair appointment, choose a hotel from a brochure for my vacation and complete a two hundred-piece jigsaw puzzle. Oh don't pull that face, it was work related, it was a bowl of nuts. What were you grinning about when you came in here or did you just have a bad case of wind? 

FRASIER 

Guess who is having a documentary made about them by Life and Times on NBC? 

ROZ 

Cher? 

FRASIER 

No guess again. 

ROZ 

Well obviously you otherwise you wouldn't have brought it up. Why are they making one about you? Are you dying and you haven't told me? 

FRASIER 

Because I'm interesting. 

ROZ 

No really, why? 

FRASIER 

Because I'm an interesting person and Bebe set it up for me to raise my profile. 

ROZ 

And her bank balance, I should have known that witch woman was involved. 

FRASIER 

May I remind you that she's your agent too? 

ROZ 

That's why I can say these things about her. I don't need to dial the phone to call her, I just hold a pointer over the phone like a Ouija board and the devil's dial for me. 

FRASIER 

You don't complain when she puts food on the table. 

ROZ 

No only about the little scratch marks she makes on my floor from her hooves. I can't understand why you're defending her. You drop her at least once a month like radioactive waste. At least I put up with her long term. 

FRASIER 

She's got me this documentary. It's a ton of free publicity and all I have to do is answer a few questions on camera. 

ROZ 

There has to be a catch. 

FRASIER 

Nonsense. 

ROZ 

Okay fine. You're on in three. 

FRASIER PUTS HIS HEADPHONES ON AND GOES ON AIR 

FRASIER 

Hello Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane and I'll be with you for the next three hours as soon as we've had some more fabulous commercials. 

FRASIER GOES OFF AIR AND SPRINTS INTO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

What kind of catch? 

ROZ 

Do you even know what these documentaries are like? 

FRASIER 

Well they are...I'm sure they...no. This is going to be bad isn't it? 

ROZ 

I'm just saying, know what you're letting yourself in for. If it's the kind that makes Charles Manson look like Mary Poppins then great, but if it's vice versa, you're in trouble. I sure wouldn't want them broadcasting things like Lilith and the eco-pod, Diane, even trying to kill yourself on a documentary. That's not going to help someone who tries to dish out mental health. Swimming in Puget Sound, drunk, dressed as the Pope would be less damaging. 

FRASIER 

How do you know all that? 

ROZ 

Oh you know, I talk to your family, read your mail, look you up on the Internet you know the usual. 

FRASIER 

They wouldn't bring all that up would they? 

ROZ 

It's about your life what else are they going to do it about? 

FRASIER 

Just remember I want you to use discretion when they interview you about certain events. 

ROZ 

They're going to interview me? 

FRASIER 

Of course they are. They want to interview everybody. 

ROZ 

What am I supposed to say? 

FRASIER 

They want you to say how brilliant and talented I am. 

ROZ 

Well sure if they want me to lie. 

AS FRASIER EXITS BACK INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH AND GOES BACK ON AIR WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

TITLE CARD: "IN FRASIER'S DEFENCE THE CALLER THOUGHT HE WAS A KITTEN" 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Niles, Roz, Bebe) 

FRASIER AND NILES SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA 

FRASIER 

Have you got your prescription pad with you? 

NILES 

Sure. 

NILES GETS HIS PAD FROM HIS BRIEFCASE AND GOES TO HAND IT TO FRASIER BUT THEN STOPS 

NILES (CONT'D) 

What for? I'm not signing anything if you're self-mediating again. The last time we found you barking and trying to have a conversation with Eddie. 

FRASIER 

You make it sound strange. 

NILES 

Eddie wasn't in the room. He was at the park with Dad and you were on air in your radio booth supposedly helping some poor man with an identity crisis. 

FRASIER 

This is exactly why I need your prescription pad. I need to make a list of things that they can not include in this documentary to give to Bebe and I don't have any paper on me, that incident would be one of them. 

NILES 

Can I help? 

FRASIER 

Yes that's what you're here for. 

NILES HANDS HIM THE PAD 

NILES 

Really? I thought I was here to get a coffee. But anyway, this should be fun too, digging through your humiliating past and highlighting the most painfully excruciating details. 

FRASIER 

I don't need your jokes, I need you input. 

NILES 

I can't really think of anything right now. I'll get my thinking cap on. 

FRASIER 

What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were having lunch with Daphne at my place? 

NILES 

I was but Daphne wants me to test more pancake mix. I felt like I ate a lump of clay yesterday, so I've altered my plans. 

FRASIER 

To what? 

NILES 

To leave Dad there to do it and survive. 

FRASIER 

You've left that poor old man to... 

NILES 

Ooh, I've got one. 

FRASIER 

Got one what? 

NILES 

Thing to put on your list, having sex with Kate on the air. 

FRASIER 

That's a good one. 

NILES 

Lilith leaving you to run off with that French scientist to an underground eco-pod. 

FRASIER 

That one goes right to the top of the list. 

NILES 

I've got another one. Diane leaving you at the alter. I'm hot now. 

FRASIER 

You know you're having too much fun with this. 

NILES 

Trying to kill yourself over Lilith leaving you. 

FRASIER 

Did you tell Roz that? 

NILES 

Maybe. It's hard to remember. We tell each other so many things. 

FRASIER 

Since when? 

NILES 

Sleeping with your piano teacher. 

FRASIER 

Really that long ago? I didn't think you'd met until I moved back to Seattle. You know Niles... 

NILES 

Getting everyone at the station fired. 

FRASIER 

Niles I think you've helped enough. 

ROZ ENTERS AND SITS WITH THEM 

NILES 

(SULKING) Fine spoil all my fun. Just when I'd found a game I was good at. 

ROZ 

What's going on? 

NILES 

We're making a list of all the humiliating things that have happened to Frasier. It's a lot of fun you should try it. It's really refreshing for the soul. 

ROZ 

OK how about sleeping with your agent, which causes her to try and kill herself. That was a flattering compliment. The only thing worse would have been the experience making her realise she was actually a lesbian. 

NILES 

That's a great one I forgot that. 

FRASIER 

OK now you're just being mean for the fun of it I'm not sitting with you two anymore. 

ROZ 

Oh stop being a baby. Why are you doing this anyway? 

FRASIER 

I need a list of things for Bebe to give to the producers of that documentary to cut out. 

ROZ 

You're going to give the list to them? Why not do all their research for them? 

FRASIER 

Yes, I might as well just tie the noose myself shouldn't I? 

BEBE ENTERS AND JOINS THEM 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Here's Bebe. 

NILES 

Oh yes I wondered why I'd suddenly gone blind. 

BEBE 

I could have told you years ago, that unless you stopped it you'd go blind. But that's the price you pay for being single and desperate. 

NILES 

I'm engaged. 

BEBE 

Congratulations, your mail order bride has finally arrived. Most of them are so desperate they don't care who they get sold to. I can't stay long Frasier I have to sort out a hotel while my house is being renovated. 

NILES 

I've got an attic you can hang upside down in. 

FRASIER 

You're getting your house renovated? 

BEBE 

Yes I've suddenly come into some money. 

NILES 

Let me guess you sold your Grandmother to a dog food factory? 

BEBE 

My career has been on the up recently, unfortunately something I'm sure you can't say in reference to any part of you. 

FRASIER 

Bebe I've made a small list of incidents that I'd appreciate if they weren't put in the documentary. 

ROZ 

A small list? If we'd have kept going you'd have needed a second roll of toilet paper. 

FRASIER 

Do you two mind? 

BEBE 

Frasier don't worry about it. I have a special relationship with the producers down there and they've assured me that any mentions of anything delicate will be handled with the utmost care with you painted as the victim. 

ROZ 

How can you make him the victim when he had sex with his boss on the air? 

NILES 

The best thing you can hope for is pitied. 

BEBE 

Trust me leave it to Auntie Bebe and everything will be fine. 

NILES 

I believe she said the same thing to Hitler. Start job hunting. 

BEBE 

I'll call you later. 

BEBE GLARES AT NILES AND THEN EXITS. ONCE SHE'S GONE ROZ STARTS TO LOOK CLOSELY AT THE TABLE. SHE THEN GETS OUT A DUST BUSTER FROM HER PURSE AND STARTS TO HOOVER UP THE CRUMBS OFF THE TABLE 

FRASIER 

Roz what are you doing? 

ROZ 

There are crumbs. 

FRASIER 

But they're not the size of mountain lions gnawing on your fingertips. 

ROZ 

Trust me he'll know. 

NILES 

Roz before you put that away would you mind? 

ROZ STARTS TO HOOVER NILES TIE AND SHIRT FRONT 

FRASIER 

That is by far and away the most frightening thing I have ever seen. 

AS ROZ PUTS THE DUST BUSTER AWAY AND FRASIER ROLLS HIS EYES WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(D) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/3   
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Daphne, Martin, Eddie) 

FRASIER, WHO IS ON THE PHONE, OPENS THE DOOR TO ROZ WHO IS CARRYING A BUCKET FULL OF CLEANING UTENSILS 

FRASIER 

Oh hi Roz. Did we order a bucket instead of a pizza? 

ROZ 

No but I'm running out of things to do with my Grandfather so he's spending some time here. Maybe he'll bond with your father or just fall asleep drooling in the corner. Either way it's good for me at least I won't have to entertain him. 

FRASIER 

How is he going to get up here? 

ROZ 

The elevator. 

FRASIER 

I thought he had trouble riding in the elevator. 

ROZ 

He does that why I'm bringing him a change of clothes and you're going to have a hot bath ready for him and a bottle of bleach. 

FRASIER 

I'm suddenly so excited by this visit and by the fact that the elevator is opposite my front door, so whenever it opens all smells will be wafted into my apartment. Where is he now? 

ROZ 

He's napping in the car. 

FRASIER 

Please tell me he's not in the trunk. 

ROZ 

No I had to sedate him to get him in the car so he fell asleep with his head in Alice's booster seat when he was climbing in the car. I nearly trapped his foot in the door. Who are you talking to? 

FRASIER 

You. 

ROZ 

On the phone, you know that thing in your hand. 

FRASIER 

I'm trying to get hold of Lilith, I'm on hold at her lab. Her little winged monkeys are out trying to track her down. 

ROZ 

Why are you calling Lilith? Martin, Frasier is calling Lilith, get in here! Help me hold him down while Niles sedates him and gives him a lobotomy! 

FRASIER 

I have to talk to her about the documentary. I don't want her saying anything. 

ROZ 

What embarrassing? 

FRASIER 

At all. Lilith probably has more dirt on me then anyone else. Can you imagine what kind of picture she could paint of me? 

ROZ 

I'd rather not, especially as Freddie proves what you got up to. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE STANDS OVER THE STOVE MAKING YET MORE PANCAKES AS NILES WATCHES HER AND MARTIN FIDDLES WITH A STICK AND SOME DUCT TAPE 

NILES 

Isn't that enough now? I'm telling you batch thirty-seven was the best one, make those ones on Pancake Day. 

DAPHNE 

I will if you can tell me what was so special about them. 

NILES 

You made them crunchier then the rest? 

DAPHNE 

No I used nutmeg in them. 

NILES 

Oh yes that was it. That's the one I ate before the one that made me vomit. 

DAPHNE 

How can you tell? 

NILES 

I tasted the nutmeg again on the way up. It's not a pleasant sensation. Dad what are you doing? 

MARTIN 

Do you think if I use duct tape on Eddie it will hurt when I take it off again? 

DAPHNE 

Are you intending on giving him a bald patch? 

MARTIN 

(RE: STICK) I want to attach this to his head. 

NILES 

Because he's not mocked enough in the dog park? 

MARTIN 

So he can turn the television over. 

NILES 

I always thought Eddie was more of a radio fan. Although I have seen him before now sitting on the balcony reading philosophy, he's more of a bookworm then he lets on. I know he's a member of Oprah's Book Club. 

MARTIN 

My remote is still missing. I know it didn't get up and walk out of the apartment on it's own. It would never have jumped up and reached the door handle let alone the elevator button. 

DAPHNE 

It could have pushed a chair over there. 

NILES 

So you intend to make Eddie your television slave now? 

MARTIN 

Do I tell you how to run your life? 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER IS NOW STANDING BY THE ISLAND STILL WAITING ON THE PHONE AS ROZ WIPES MARTIN'S TABLE. SHE THEN TAKES THE PHONE FROM FRASIER AND STARTS TO WIPE THAT AS WELL 

FRASIER 

Roz. Roz. I need that. 

ROZ 

Can't you use another phone? 

FRASIER 

No, I want to use this one. 

ROZ GIVES HIM BACK THE PHONE BEFORE SHE GETS OUT A CAN OF AIR FRESHENER AND SPRAYS ALL AROUND FRASIER WHO BEGINS TO COUGH BECAUSE OF IT 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

And I don't want to choke to death on air freshener. My taste buds will never be the same again. 

ROZ 

Oh quit complaining. 

FRASIER 

I know I've been standing here a while but I don't need dusting as well Roz. (INTO PHONE) Ooh Lilith, it's me. Listen this is important. Well yes the well being of my son is important as well. I was going to ask how he was after we'd discussed this. Oh fine, how if Frederick? What kind of rash? The gerbil again? Tell him he's got to put a harness on the thing before it gets stuck down the drain again. Okay, now there might be a documentary crew on their way around... Oh really? Already? Over a month ago? I only learnt about it myself on Sunday. What did you tell them? I take it you neglected certain elements that would have made us both look bad? Oh all right made me look bad. Oh you didn't. The blender? Lilith what were you thinking? Do you have any idea what they're going to do with that? Why have I done it? To raise my profile and because of that it'll only raise the amount of heavy breathing phone calls I get a week. Yes all right. Bye Lilith. 

FRASIER LOOKING RATHER DISGRUNTLED HANGS UP THE PHONE 

ROZ 

What happened with the blender? 

FRASIER 

Just shut up and clean. 

FRASIER DIALS ANOTHER NUMBER 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

(INTO PHONE) Hello Diane it's Frasier. I know this is out of the blue but I really need to talk to you. 

ROZ EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE CONTINUES TO MAKE PANCAKES WITH NILES WATCHING ON AND MARTIN ATTACHING THE STICK ONTO EDDIE'S COLLAR AS ROZ ENTERS

ROZ 

What happened between Frasier, Lilith and a blender? 

NILES 

Trust me you don't need the imagery. 

ROZ 

Oh go on tell me. 

NILES GOES TO SPEAK BUT IS INTERRUPTED 

MARTIN 

Quietly, I've barely forgotten the details of it, I don't want it all brought back. 

NILES WHISPERS INTO ROZ EAR. HER MOUTH IMMEDIATELY DROPS OPEN AND SHE QUICKLY EXITS BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER REMAINS AS BEFORE TALKING ON THE PHONE AS ROZ ENTERS AND SLAPS HIM ACROSS THE ARM 

FRASIER 

What was that for? (INTO PHONE) Nothing, someone just hit me. 

MARTIN ENTERS CARRYING EDDIE WITH THE STICK ATTACHED TO HIS COLLAR WHICH SITS ON HIS HEAD 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

(INTO PHONE) Excuse me a second Diane. (TO MARTIN) Dad what are you doing? If you wanted to fire an arrow into Eddie's head you could have least have told me so we could have done it properly. 

MARTIN PUSHES EDDIE TOWARDS THE TELEVISION AND GETS HIM TO TRY TO PUSH THE BUTTON WITH HIS STICK 

MARTIN 

Good boy, press the button. No not off. 

MARTIN GETS UP AND SWITCHES THE TELEVISION ON 

ROZ 

Don't use your bare finger you'll get finger marks all over the button. 

MARTIN 

When did we hire a Nazi cleaner? 

ROZ 

Is there any chance you'll let me disinfect your chair? 

MARTIN 

How can I put this nicely? Not a hope in hell. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE AND NILES STARE INTENTLY AT A FAILED PANCAKE ATTEMPT CURRENTLY COOKING AWAY IN A FRYING PAN 

DAPHNE 

I know what my problem is. I'm not tossing them properly. I can't keep turning them over with a knife they keep falling apart. 

NILES 

Frasier won't let us toss them in the air, you know what he was like with that pizza dough. 

DAPHNE 

Well that got away from me a little, this won't. But to be on the safe side stand guard at the door. Okay here I go. 

NILES STANDS GUARD AT THE KITCHEN DOOR AS DAPHNE PICKS UP THE FRYING PAN AND TOSSES THE PANCAKE INTO THE AIR. NILES LOOKS AWAY AT THIS POINT TO CHECK ON THE WHEREABOUTS OF FRASIER. DAPHNE TOSSES THE PANCAKE JUST A LITTLE TOO VIOLENTLY AND IT HITS THE CEILING AND STAYS THERE. SHE STARES AT IT BEFORE NILES TURNS BACK AROUND 

NILES 

How did you do? Where is it? 

DAPHNE 

I may have had an accident with it. 

NILES 

Where did it go? The same place as the television remote? 

DAPHNE 

Heads up. 

DAPHNE POINTS TO THE CEILING AND NILES LOOKS UP 

NILES 

Oh no, how do we get it down? 

NILES JUMPS UP AND TRIES TO GET IT DOWN BUT CAN'T REACH 

DAPHNE 

Wait it'll just fall down. 

NILES 

That's what Dad said when he got his spray cheese on the ceiling. You can still see where it discoloured the tiles. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER STANDS BY THE WINDOW STILL TALKING ON THE PHONE AS MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR AND REMOVES THE STICK FROM EDDIE AND ROZ CLEANS THE COFFEE TABLE 

ROZ 

Couldn't you just buy one of those multi-purpose remotes? 

MARTIN 

I tried it. Every time, I pressed the volume the microwave would suddenly go berserk and the power button seemed to be having a dangerous effect on Mr. Wilson's pacemaker down the hall. 

ROZ 

Does Eddie look as if he needs a bath to you? 

MARTIN 

You know it's time when his fur gets crunchy. 

ROZ RUFFLES EDDIE'S FUR 

ROZ 

He feels like cardboard. 

MARTIN 

That's part of the devise for the television. 

NILES ENTERS AND PICKS UP A CHAIR FROM THE DINNING TABLE 

ROZ 

What are you doing? 

NILES 

Nothing. We just need a chair. You never know when a lion might appear in the kitchen. 

NILES TAKES THE CHAIR AND QUICKLY EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

Don't worry about it. Pancake poisoning. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

NILES PLACES THE CHAIR UNDER THE PANCAKE AND BALANCING HIMSELF AGAINST THE ISLAND CLIMBS ON IT WITH DAPHNE STANDING GUARD AT THE DOOR 

NILES 

Okay, hand me a knife. 

DAPHNE HANDS HIM A KNIFE 

DAPHNE 

Be careful with it. Scrape it off in one piece and you can still eat it. 

NILES 

Oh joy. 

DAPHNE LOOKS OUT THE DOOR TO CHECK ON FRASIER 

DAPHNE 

He's coming get down. 

NILES GETS DOWN OFF THE CHAIR AND HIDES IT BEHIND THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ISLAND 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Where's the pancake? 

NILES 

I didn't have time to pry it completely off. 

FRASIER ENTERS STILL TALKING ON THE PHONE AS NILES AND DAPHNE FREEZE AND JUST STARE AT HIM 

FRASIER 

(INTO PHONE) Oh Diane how could you? Couldn't you have found anything more embarrassing about me to tell them? Do you have any idea what that'll do to me reputation? That's really helpful saying the facts don't lie. I'm going to be humiliated. Oh all right. Okay. Bye. (HANGS UP PHONE) I don't believe how this day is turning out. Lilith and Diane have told that crew some of the most humiliating things imaginable. Granted, thankfully they've cut out the worse parts, but I feel I need those in now to defend myself against the other things. I'm going to be a laughing stock, Roz is in there cleaning anything that's still for longer then a minute, Dad's turning Eddie into a unicorn, I'm beginning to think you two are the only normal people I can be around. 

SUDDENLY THE PANCAKE FALLS OFF THE CEILING AND LANDS ON FRASIER'S HEAD. HE TURNS TO NILES AND DAPHNE AND GLARES AT THEM 

DAPHNE 

(CHEERILY) It's got blueberries in it. 

EDDIE ENTERS AND STARTS TO JUMP UP FRASIER'S LEG AFTER THE PANCAKE 

NILES 

(TO DAPHNE) Well Eddie seems to be quite fond of it. 

AS FRASIER TAKES THE PANCAKE OFF HIS HEAD AND NILES AND DAPHNE QUICKLY MOVE AWAY FROM HIM WE: 

FADE OUT 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/4   
(Frasier, Roz, Bebe) 

FRASIER ENTERS INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH TO FIND ROZ THERE WEARING WHAT LOOKS LIKE A CLEAR PLASTIC PONCHO 

FRASIER 

What's with the plastic Mack? 

ROZ 

I have to keep all the dirt away from me. 

FRASIER 

You're seriously beginning to obsess over this Roz. Your Grandfather really needs to see someone about it and if he stays with you much longer you'll be following him into a white jacket and a hospital gown. 

ROZ 

I know but I'm not sure how long he has left. I want to make this trip special. 

FRASIER 

Where is he now? 

ROZ 

How should I know? He's always had this dirt problem since he dropped his glass eye. 

FRASIER 

He has a glass eye? 

ROZ 

Had a glass eye. A violent sneeze at the garbage dump while he was dropping off a credenza that he used to keep the new born kittens in meant that he developed a problem with dirt. We kept telling him he should wash it before he put it back in but he wouldn't listen. The resulting infection meant he lost the feeling down that side of his face, would never wear the eye again and has a dirt problem. 

FRASIER 

I think the only response to that is I see. 

ROZ 

Don't say that around him. 

BEBE ENTERS INTO FRASIER'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH 

BEBE 

Frasier, Frasier, Frasier, how are you? 

FRASIER 

Bebe this is a surprise, my show is going to start soon, so we must be quick. What can I do for you? 

BEBE 

The first edit of the documentary has arrived. 

FRASIER 

Already? 

BEBE 

They may have started it a few months before I informed you about it, but not to worry it's done now. 

FRASIER 

How have they finished it? They haven't even interviewed me or my family yet. Have they spoken to you Roz? 

ROZ 

I haven't heard from them at all. 

BEBE 

The research is so superbly done that in the end they didn't need to trouble you and waste your valuable time. 

FRASIER 

That doesn't sound right. Have you seen it? 

BEBE 

Yes I have and it's wonderful, you'll be pleasantly surprised. Here is the tape so you can have a sneak preview. 

FRASIER 

Are you coming to watch it with me? 

BEBE 

I'd love to Frasier but I have a plane to catch. I'll be out of the country for a few days on...let's say business. Well I must fly. Bye. 

BEBE HANDS HIM A TAPE AND THEN QUICKLY EXITS FROM THE BOOTH 

ROZ 

She did say plane and not broomstick, right? 

AS ROZ AND FRASIER PREPARE TO GO ON AIR WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

TITLE CARD: "IT'S FORTUNATE HE DOESN'T DRINK FROM BOTTLES" 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/4   
(Niles, Martin, Daphne, Frasier, Roz, Roz's Grandpa) 

NILES LIES ON THE COUCH LOOKING EXTREMELY ILL, AS ROZ SITS AT THE DINNING TABLE CASTING AN EYE TOWARDS HER GRANDFATHER WHO IS ASLEEP IN THE EMS CHAIR BY THE WINDOW. MARTIN ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A BOWL OF WHAT LOOKS LIKE CHILLY 

NILES 

Don't bring food anywhere near me. 

NILES TURNS AROUND AND PUTS HIS HEAD ON THE OTHER END OF THE COUCH 

MARTIN 

What's the matter? 

NILES 

I've eaten nothing but Daphne's unusual pancake attempts for nearly a week now. After sampling her minced meat and banana mixture I don't know how I'm still breathing. When I sit upright my ears start ringing. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND SITS ON THE EDGE OF THE COFFEE TABLE LOOKING CONCERNED OVER NILES 

DAPHNE 

Niles are you okay honey? You look a little pale. 

NILES 

I've just got a little upset stomach. I'll be fine. 

DAPHNE 

I'll get you a glass of water. 

DAPHNE STROKES HIS HEAD FOR A TEMPERATURE BEFORE EXITING TO THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

Why don't you tell her? 

NILES 

What that she's nearly poisoned me? I'd rather not if it's all the same with you, I think it may upset her to find out she's the reason I'm turning green. 

MARTIN 

Suit yourself but it'll only get worse if you don't. She'll be experimenting with Eddie's dog food and the pancake mix soon. Still it might clear out your digestive system. 

MARTIN PICKS UP AN EMPTY BEER CAN FROM OFF HIS TABLE AND THROWS IT AT THE TELEVISION TO TRY TO HIT THE POWER BUTTON AS FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM WITH THE TAPE 

FRASIER 

How many more times, stop throwing things at the television set. 

MARTIN 

I'm trying to turn it over. 

FRASIER 

Then hurling a can at it might not help. Get up and switch it over before you mould yourself to the shape of that chair completely. 

MARTIN 

But it's too far. 

FRASIER 

Of course it is. I wouldn't attempt it without a map, compass and a hefty water supply. (RE: GRANDFATHER) Roz is he going to be okay? 

DAPHNE ENTERS WITH A GLASS OF WATER AND HANDS IT TO NILES BEFORE SITTING NEXT TO HIM AS HE SNUGGLES UP NEXT TO HER 

ROZ 

He's fine. I'll just need a little help turning him if he starts to fuss. The last time I attempted it on my own I pushed him off the chair. 

MARTIN 

When did we order the old man for in the corner anyway? 

ROZ 

Oh believe me if you want him you can have him. I can do without the extra stress. 

FRASIER 

He's only been here for two days. 

ROZ 

Really? It seems much longer. I wonder if I can trick him into thinking that it's been longer. 

FRASIER 

How can you be so mean to your own flesh and blood? 

MARTIN THROWS ANOTHER CAN AT THE TELEVISION TRYING TO TURN IT ON BEFORE FRASIER SLAPS HIS HAND 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

I said stop it don't make me hurt you old man. 

MARTIN 

Roz he's twitching. 

ROZ 

No he's okay, it's when he starts meowing you need to worry. Alice thinks I've brought her home some strange pet. She keeps getting him a bowl of water and tries to groom his hair with the toilet brush. 

DAPHNE 

Can I get anyone something to eat before we watch this? Anything except pancakes. I've got my recipe all ready for tomorrow I don't want to jinx anything. (TO NILES) Are you sure I can't get you anything? It might perk you up a little. 

NILES 

Honestly I'm fine right here with your shoulder. 

FRASIER 

Right let's watch the life of a genius. 

MARTIN 

I thought we were watching your documentary. 

FRASIER 

We are. 

MARTIN 

So we're watching two? 

FRASIER 

No just the documentary about me. 

MARTIN 

So we're not watching the one about the genius? 

FRASIER 

Just be quiet. 

NILES 

Shouldn't Bebe be here for this? 

FRASIER 

She's already seen it. Anyway she's out of the country. 

DAPHNE 

I think I may be able to predict why. 

ROZ 

What is this mark on your couch? 

FRASIER 

Nothing it's just the way the light is hitting it. 

ROZ 

I can't have dirt around my Grandfather. 

FRASIER 

I'm sure he'll cope. 

DAPHNE 

This is going to be you in your old age. 

NILES 

I'd object to that if I wasn't feeling so peaky. 

FRASIER 

Can I put this on now? 

FRASIER PUTS THE TAPE IN THE VCR, PRESSES PLAY AND THEN SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH 

MARTIN 

You never turned the set on. Here let me do it. 

MARTIN THROWS ANOTHER CAN AT THE TELEVISION AND MANAGES TO SWITCH IT ON 

FRASIER 

I've told you to stop that. 

ROZ 

Yeah at least wait until Frasier's on the screen before you start throwing things at it. 

FRASIER 

Will you all be quiet? I want to hear what they've got to say. 

NILES 

Why? It's your life don't you know what happens? 

FRASIER 

Quiet, it's starting. 

THEY ALL TURN THEIR ATTENTION TO THE TELEVISION 

NARRATOR 

On The Life and Times we've showed you an array of talent from across the world of show business. But today we turn our attention to a little known personality on our airwaves. Dr. Frasier Crane, a radio psychiatrist from Seattle who says he can heal your pain. But today we look behind the friendly smile to see what really makes him tick. How can a man who has attempted suicide himself help the public with their problems? 

FRASIER LOOKS ABSOLUTELY SHOCKED TO THE BONE 

FRASIER 

Oh my God, this is terrible. 

MARTIN 

I've seen worse photos of you. Although you do have a certain on the little bloated side, allergic to shrimp kind of quality. 

AS THEY ALL EXCEPT FRASIER BEGINS TO SMIRK A LITTLE WE: 

DISSOLVE TO: 

(G) 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — DAY/4   
(Roz, Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Niles, Roz's Grandpa) 

EVERYONE REMAINS SEATED AS BEFORE EXCEPT FOR FRASIER WHO PACES BACK AND FORTH BEHIND THE COUCH 

ROZ 

Will you calm down? I like it. 

FRASIER 

Great one person. 

ROZ 

Grandpa likes it too. 

FRASIER 

He's slept through it and you've laughed through it. 

MARTIN 

Well if you don't laugh you cry. 

DAPHNE 

(TO NILES) Are you feeling a little better now? 

NILES 

I'll be fine. 

DAPHNE 

I wonder what's caused it? 

MARTIN 

If only there was some clue. 

FRASIER 

That's just the last straw, how did they get that photo? Roz? 

ROZ 

What? You never said I couldn't post it on the Internet. 

FRASIER 

Then I shall make that point more obvious from now on. 

NILES 

Look on the bright side Frasier, they haven't said anything about that blender incident. 

MARTIN 

Until now. 

DAPHNE 

Oh my God. 

ROZ 

That's disgusting. 

FRASIER 

How did they get that picture? 

NILES 

That's it I really am going to be sick this time. 

NILES JUMPS UP AND RUNS TO THE BATHROOM BEFORE FRASIER TURNS OFF THE TELEVISION 

FRASIER 

I can't take anymore of this. I'm calling Bebe. 

ROZ 

She's not in the country, for obvious reasons. 

FRASIER PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS 

FRASIER 

(INTO PHONE) Hello, this is Dr. Frasier Crane, I'd like to speak with Bebe please. Oh really? Well then can you pass a message along? If she doesn't phone me in the next two minutes I'm taking my business elsewhere and this time I really mean it. 

FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE AS DAPHNE GOES TO THE BATHROOM DOOR 

DAPHNE 

Niles are you okay honey? 

NILES 

I'll be fine except I've just seen my life flash before my eyes. 

DAPHNE 

Do you want another pancake to settle your stomach? I don't know what's made him feel this bad. 

DAPHNE SITS BACK DOWN 

SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING

FRASIER STANDS BY THE PHONE AND LETS IT RING A FEW TIMES BEFORE ANSWERING IT 

FRASIER 

(INTO PHONE) Hello? Oh yes Bebe. Yes I did want a quick word. Oh but you're in Hawaii, oh well never mind this won't take long. If this documentary gets aired I'll sue both you and the production company. Good day. 

AS FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(H) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/5   
(Bebe, Frasier, Niles) 

FRASIER SITS IN NERVOSA AS BEBE ENTERS WITH A SUNTAN AND SITS NEXT TO HIM 

BEBE 

Frasier I have good news. 

FRASIER 

Your horns have finally come through? 

BEBE 

I suppose I deserve that after I took the money and run. But think of my poor niece and her kidney transplant. 

FRASIER 

You needed the money to get her a kidney transplant. 

BEBE 

Of course, I would have given her one of her own but they wouldn't risk it with my heart condition. 

FRASIER 

Oh what heart condition? Your lack of one? 

BEBE 

Believe it or not but I do have a heart. 

FRASIER 

Yes but it doesn't beat very often does it? Wait a second. You needed to go to Hawaii to get her a kidney transplant? 

BEBE 

It's where all the good doctors are. 

FRASIER 

Of course which is why kidney failure is so infrequent in Hawaii, I used to think it was because of the macadamia nuts. What do you take me for? 

BEBE 

Oh all right fine. The fact of the matter is you've got a little money from it, I've got less money from it... 

FRASIER 

If you got less then me how come you can afford to go to Hawaii? 

BEBE 

I have frequent flyer miles don't question me. Thanks to me that documentary will never see the light of day. (PRETENDING TO TEAR UP) But do I get any credit for it? Do I get thanked for it? No, I get discarded and abused. 

FRASIER 

Oh lay off the water works, the acid will melt your face. 

BEBE 

Fine I'm going I have business to take care of. 

BEBE GETS UP AND EXITS

BEBE 

(OFF STAGE) Gill, guess who The Life and Times want to make a documentary about? 

NILES ENTERS LOOKING BEHIND HIM 

NILES 

Was that Bebe? 

FRASIER 

Yes, she's sorted everything out. 

NILES 

It's a shame really there was no need. 

FRASIER 

What does that mean? 

NILES 

The studio and the production company's archive burnt down during the night. Do you not see it on the news? 

FRASIER 

No I must have missed it. 

NILES 

I wonder what could have started it. 

FRASIER 

Yes I wonder. 

AS FRASIER FEARS THE WORST AND NILES ORDERS A COFFEE WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER, MARTIN AND NILES SIT AROUND THE DINNING TABLE AS DAPHNE PUTS EMPTY PLATES BEFORE ALL OF THEM. SHE THEN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN. THEY ALL QUICKLY EXCHANGE GLANCES AND JUMP UP AND HURRY OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR. DAPHNE THEN RE-ENTERS WITH A STACK OF PANCAKES. SHE IS SHOCKED TO SEE THEM GONE AND RUNS TO THE FRONT DOOR AND OPENS IT TO TRY TO CATCH THEM 


	13. Episode Thirteen

_This is my entry for the Frasier Fanpic fanfic type thingy-mabob, what do ya call it that's going on. I apologise if that makes no sense but I'm still a tiny bit drunk from drowning my sorrow's yesterday, it may also have something to do with the fact that I've been drinking today as well but who cares? Only my liver. _

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_I actually like this one, which is always a bad sign. The ones I like everyone hates and the ones I hate everyone loves. Please send all feedback to kelly_simba@hotmail.com and in return I won't be forced to track you all down and insert some angry rodents up your nostrils. _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Nine Episode Thirteen   
My Funny Valentine 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: "MEET DOCTOR FAUSTUS CRANE" 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Niles, Martin, Daphne) 

FRASIER AND NILES SIT ON THE COUCH FULLY RELAXED SIPPING ON GLASSES OF WINE AND LISTENING TO THE STEREO QUIETLY IN THE BACKGROUND 

FRASIER 

What do you think of Blanc's? 

NILES 

Nope, dirty cutlery. 

FRASIER 

It was a tiny speck of dirt Niles barely visible to the naked eye. You'd have more success trying to see the atom. 

NILES 

There was half a crab stuck on that knife. And might I add a raw crab, its eye was still moving. I don't particularly like to be watched during my dinner especially by my dinner as it eat it. It just makes me feel guilty. 

FRASIER 

How about Townsend's? 

NILES 

Are you insane? I've seen apes with less hair then their chef. He takes a break every ten minutes to groom himself. 

FRASIER 

But their lobster bisque is exquisite. 

NILES 

And from the size of the hair I found in it he'd obviously been swimming in it. At least I think it was a hair, it might have been a shoelace. 

FRASIER 

Well I don't care, this is my date, and I'm taking her to Blanc's. 

NILES 

Then make sure the hospital is expecting you for your stomach pump and blood transfusion. If you ignore my warning and the infection gets so bad you need a new kidney then that's just tough. That ship sails with my warning. 

FRASIER 

Since every five star restaurant in the city is suddenly on your health and safety hazard list where exactly are you intending on taking Daphne for Valentine's Day? The chilli vendor on the corner? Or perhaps a pizza from that lovely rat riddled place opposite Nervosa? 

NILES 

I'm taking her to Hawaii if you must know. 

FRASIER 

Well if you want to go with a worn out clique go ahead. 

NILES 

Where did you meet this latest focus of your clumsy advances? 

FRASIER 

I'm choosing to ignore that. She was standing right outside the radio station with a pair of binoculars. 

NILES 

Please tell me you haven't stooped so low that you're actually dating one of your 'groupies'? You won't rest until you're dating someone that has a shrine dedicated to you with burning candles and bits of donkey hair scattered around in their basement. 

FRASIER 

She was bird watching at the top of the building if you must know. She's not obsessed with me although if she were who could blame her? 

NILES 

Oh yes I've seen scads of people outside the station doing that. The pigeon is the rarest of all the birds. I'm amazed it's not on the endangered species list. 

MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM AND HOVERS BY THE ISLAND 

MARTIN 

Has anyone phoned me today? 

FRASIER 

Like who for example? 

MARTIN 

Just a friend. 

FRASIER 

Which friend? 

MARTIN 

A new friend. 

FRASIER 

What new friend? 

MARTIN 

A woman all right, geez do you want to sweat it out of me under lights or make me take a liar detector test? I'm waiting for a woman to call me okay. 

NILES 

A woman? And what woman would this be? Are you going out on a date? 

MARTIN 

Yes all right. I asked a woman out for Valentine's Day. You're acting like a couple of washerwomen again. Has she called or not? 

FRASIER 

No 

MARTIN 

Now was that so hard? 

MARTIN EXITS TO THE KITCHEN AS DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM TALKING ON THE PHONE 

DAPHNE 

(INTO PHONE) Yes Mum. I know. I will, honestly. 

DAPHNE COVERS UP THE MOUTHPIECE 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Will someone help me here? 

NILES 

How exactly do we do that? 

DAPHNE 

Send some sort of winged monkey to England to bound and gag my mother to get her off the phone. 

NILES 

How about we call that plan B? 

DAPHNE 

(INTO PHONE) I've got to go now Mum, Niles needs me. No not for that, we are getting married you know. He's got his tie caught in the garbage disposal again, I've got to free him before he passes out. 

NILES 

(SHOUTS) Oh help. 

FRASIER 

That was really convincing. Get this man an Oscar. 

DAPHNE 

(INTO PHONE) I've got to...oh really? And was Simon okay after? Pity. I've got to go, he's passed out and hanging from the sink... Did he? Right there on the carpet? 

NILES 

Do you ever get the feeling this woman doesn't care much for my well being? 

DAPHNE 

(INTO PHONE) Oh yes. I'm sure he did. That's nice. 

DAPHNE MAKES A HISSING NOISE INTO THE PHONE AND SLAMS THE RECEIVER DOWN 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Just go away woman. 

MARTIN ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

Won't she want to know what happened? 

DAPHNE 

I'll just tell her it was another earthquake. It'll be the forth one we've had in the last three days if she asks. 

DAPHNE GOES TO PULL THE PHONE WIRE FROM THE SOCKET 

MARTIN 

Don't pull the phone out. I'm waiting for a call. 

DAPHNE 

Oh yes and who's this off? 

MARTIN 

I am not having this discussion again. 

MARTIN EXITS BACK TOWARDS HIS ROOM AS DAPHNE SITS NEXT TO NILES 

NILES 

Is everything all right at home? 

DAPHNE 

It's funny you should mention that and I'm afraid I've got some bad news. We can't go away for Valentine's Day. 

NILES 

Why not? 

DAPHNE 

Me Auntie Margaret is coming to Seattle for a few days. 

NILES 

Can't you put her off? 

DAPHNE 

She's already at the airport with a suitcase full of hairnets and marzipan for some reason. She'll be here tomorrow. 

NILES 

Then I'll guess we'll have to postpone. 

DAPHNE 

You're not mad? 

NILES 

It's not your fault. I'm disappointed but it can't be helped. I'll rearrange it for when she's gone. So is she stopping in a hotel or is she going to stay with me? 

DAPHNE 

Oh God I'll never hear the end of it if I make her stay in a hotel. Me Mum's still angry that I made Simon sleep on the couch when he was here instead of letting him share me bed. The last thing I wanted was his rancid excuse for feet wedged up me nostril. Still it would have made me sleep better. 

NILES 

Then she can stay with me. 

DAPHNE 

I must warn you, she is a little old fashioned. 

NILES 

She's not the one who thinks its treason because your engaged to an American is it? 

DAPHNE 

Hardly, Auntie Margaret slept with more American soldiers in exchange for packs of bacon and bars of chocolate during the war then you can shake a stick at. She had her skirt permanently pulled so far in the air I don't think she saw daylight for three years. Just don't be surprised if she doesn't take to you right away. 

FRASIER 

What does that mean? 

DAPHNE 

She can be a little on the rude and aggressive side. 

NILES 

How aggressive? 

DAPHNE 

Let's just say if the army had given her some camouflage paint and a snipers rifle, World War Two would have been over on the second day. But don't take what she says to heart, she's like it with everyone. She didn't particularly like me until about nine, ten years ago. 

FRASIER 

Wasn't that when you moved to America? 

DAPHNE 

Exactly. 

AS NILES AND FRASIER LOOK AT EACH OTHER QUITE CONCERNED WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Roz) 

FRASIER, NILES AND DAPHNE ALL SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA. FRASIER STARES AT HIS COFFEE CUP 

FRASIER 

Have you seen the coffee today? 

NILES AND DAPHNE BOTH STARE AT HIS COFFEE 

NILES 

Dear God look at that! 

DAPHNE 

Yes you can almost make out the outline of Elvis in the cracks at the bottom the cup. 

FRASIER 

That's not what I meant. 

NILES 

Yes there is clearly a spider doing the backstroke in there. 

FRASIER 

Where?! 

NILES 

There, he's just coming around on another lap. 

DAPHNE 

So there is. Oh look it's only got seven legs. I bet you swallowed the other one Dr. Crane. At least you'll know what it is if you think you've got a hair between your teeth. 

FRASIER 

Oh my God that's even worse! 

NILES 

Why what was you going to say? 

FRASIER 

That it looks like the mysterious stain I found on my pillow after Eddie snuck into my bed this morning. Why is there a spider in my coffee?! 

FRASIER BEGINS TO COUGH VIOLENTLY AS NILES TURNS HIS ATTENTION AWAY FROM HIM AND ONTO DAPHNE 

NILES 

What time does her plane land? 

DAPHNE 

Don't you mean broomstick? About an hour from now. When she lands all the clocks will come to a standstill and the birds will start attacking each other without knowing why. 

NILES 

She can't be all that bad. 

DAPHNE 

Just promise me one thing while she's here. Try not to kill her. Although such action is justified, it's generally frowned upon. 

FRASIER CONTINUES TO COUGH AND GETS A LITTLE LOUDER BECAUSE HE IS BEING IGNORED 

FRASIER 

Do either of you mind? 

NILES 

No not at all. 

NILES HANDS FRASIER THE SUGAR AS HE CONTINUES TO COUGH AND NILES TURNS HIS ATTENTION STRAIGHT BACK TO DAPHNE AGAIN 

DAPHNE 

Are we still eating at your place tonight Dr. Crane? 

FRASIER IS UNABLE TO SPEAK AS HE GASPS FOR AIR 

NILES 

We'll take that as a yes. 

ROZ ENTERS LOOKING EXTREMELY AGITATED STARING BACK AT THE DOOR 

DAPHNE 

What on earth is the matter? 

FRASIER CONTINUES TO GASP BUT MANAGES TO START TO COMPOSE HIMSELF 

FRASIER 

I've just swallowed a spider leg and everyone is ignoring that fact. 

DAPHNE 

I was actually talking to Roz. 

NILES 

You look like an extremely agitated cockatoo. 

ROZ 

That crazy woman is following me again. 

FRASIER 

Which crazy woman? 

ROZ SITS DOWN WITH THEM 

NILES 

You have more then one follow you? 

ROZ 

There's one that's followed me for years, an elderly woman who's convinced that I'm her daughter and keeps trying to give me alphabet soup and comb my hair, but it's not her. It's Dean's ex-girlfriend. 

FRASIER 

Dean? 

ROZ 

From accounting. 

DAPHNE 

Is he the one who woofs when you, you know? 

NILES 

Well we all do now. 

ROZ 

That's him. She keeps following me everywhere. I shot a dog this morning because of her. 

FRASIER 

Excuse me? 

ROZ 

She filled my tailpipe full of pebbles. Eventually the thing backfired and shot them all out. I got a dog, a family of woodpeckers, a Policeman buying a newspaper and some guy who was bending down to tie his shoelace. She's out there now. 

THEY ALL STAND TO LOOK OUT THE DOOR 

FRASIER 

I don't see anybody. 

ROZ 

That's because she's camouflaged. 

NILES 

What as? That sparrow? 

ROZ 

Do you see the large bush that looks like that headless horseman from Sleepy Hollow? 

DAPHNE 

I see the bush. 

FRASIER 

But we don't see how your mind works. I don't see anybody. Are you sure you're being followed? 

ROZ 

No I'm making the whole thing up to lead a more exciting life. 

FRASIER 

Couldn't you just buy yourself a whip? 

NILES 

Oh I think that boat sailed years ago. 

AS ROZ SLAPS NILES AND EVERYONE ELSE SITS DOWN WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

TITLE CARD: "TO BE FAIR ARMANI MAKES HIM LOOK LIKE HE'S IN THE MOB" 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Roz, Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Margaret) 

FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR TO ROZ WHO PUSHES PAST HIM AND RUNS STRAIGHT OUT ON THE BALCONY. MARTIN WATCHES FROM HIS CHAIR 

ROZ 

Get out of my way. 

FRASIER 

When did the Seattle marathon change its route to through my living room? 

ROZ 

She's there again. 

MARTIN 

Who? 

ROZ 

I'm being stalked by my boyfriend's ex. Why does she keep watching me? 

ROZ COMES BACK INSIDE AND SHUTS THE DOOR BEFORE LOOKING THROUGH THE TELESCOPE 

FRASIER 

Maybe because you're standing on the balcony shouting? 

MARTIN 

Just take out a restraining order. 

FRASIER 

That'll make a change, Roz taking one out rather then one being taken out against her. 

ROZ 

That only happened once and I already told you, I did nothing to that mailbox. It was like it when I got there. She's still there, I can see her through the telescope. 

FRASIER 

I knew that would come in handy at some point. Now we can all watch our stalkers from the comfort of our own homes. 

NILES ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR LOOKING EXTREMELY AGITATED 

NILES 

Okay I'm warning you now put away all sharp objects before you consider using them. 

FRASIER 

What's the matter? 

NILES 

Dear old Auntie Margaret just made a group of nun's cry at the airport by calling them God bothering, money grabbing whores. This is not a nice woman. 

MARTIN 

Where is she? 

NILES 

Apparently I look 'shifty' and she refused to be in such a small space with me, so we've had to take shifts in the elevator. 

ROZ 

What did you say to her? 

NILES 

I barely got past hello and welcome to Seattle when she was trying to jab me with a knitting needle claiming I was trying to steal her purse. 

DAPHNE AND MARGARET ENTER AS EVERYONE ELSE STANDS TO ATTENTION 

DAPHNE 

And here we are. This is where I live. 

MARGARET 

Well done love at least you've managed to sleep your way to the top, rather then the middle like your mother. 

DAPHNE 

Auntie Margaret let me introduce you to Niles' brother Dr. Frasier Crane, their father Martin and Roz Doyle. 

MARGARET 

(TO FRASIER) Dear God, look at the state of your head. You get more glare off that then you do from the atom bomb. (RE: ROZ) And who's this one then? Do you work here a well? 

ROZ 

No I'm... 

MARGARET 

Well you can get a drink anyway. And make it a stiff one. 

ROZ 

Frasier can you show me where everything is kept. 

FRASIER 

(QUIETLY) What like a muzzle? 

FRASIER AND ROZ EXIT TO THE KITCHEN 

DAPHNE 

There's no need for that I'll get you a drink. 

DAPHNE GOES TO EXIT TO THE KITCHEN 

MARGARET 

Then take this shifty bugger with you. I know his type. He'll be trying to grope me and be after me life savings the moment your backs turned. 

DAPHNE GRABS NILES BY THE ARM AND THEY BOTH EXIT TO THE KITCHEN 

MARGARET (CONT'D) 

(TO MARTIN) And who are you again? 

MARTIN SUDDENLY LEAPS OUT OF HIS CHAIR 

MARTIN 

You know I'm just going to give them a hand with the drinks. 

MARTIN QUICKLY EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER, ROZ AND NILES HUDDLE TOGETHER LOOKING A LITTLE OUT OF PLACE AS DAPHNE SCOWLS AT THEM AND MARTIN ENTERS

MARTIN 

Why did you all leave me alone? I haven't had a tetanus shot for a long time you know. 

FRASIER 

When you said she was a little on the mean side were you lying? 

DAPHNE 

It's just the way she is, it's her way of expressing how much she likes people. 

NILES 

Well then thank God she's stopped short of poking us all in the eye. 

DAPHNE 

She's only here until Thursday can you just grin and bare it for me? 

MARTIN 

If we have to, but only because you're family. 

ROZ 

I'm not related to any of you, so am I void from this agreement? 

DAPHNE 

No. 

DAPHNE GOES TO EXIT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM BUT THEN STOPS AS SHE NOTICES THAT NO ONE ELSE IS FOLLOWING HER 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

To actually follow through with this plan you actually have to leave the kitchen and be in the same room as her. 

FRASIER IMMEDIATELY OPENS UP THE OVEN DOOR 

FRASIER 

I was just checking on dinner. 

ROZ GRABS A GLASS 

ROZ 

Getting her a drink. 

MARTIN QUICKLY GRABS THE KETTLE AND STARTS TO FILL IT UP 

MARTIN 

Making coffee. 

DAPHNE ROLLS HER EYES BEFORE TURNING TO NILES 

DAPHNE 

And you? 

NILES QUICKLY SCANS THE ROOM FOR SOMETHING TO DO 

NILES 

I was...I was going to...Maybe I could...Just don't leave me alone with her. 

NILES' HEAD GOES DOWN AS DAPHNE GRABS HIS HAND AND THEY BOTH EXIT RATHER RELUCTANTLY INTO THE LIVING ROOM AS WE: 

DISSOLVE TO: 

(D) 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Martin, Margaret, Daphne, Niles, Roz) 

MARTIN PUTS HIS PLATE IN THE SINK AS FRASIER STARTS TO MAKE A POT OF COFFEE. MARTIN DOESN'T LOOK ALL THAT WELL 

FRASIER 

Dad are you okay? You don't look so hot? 

MARTIN 

I always feel a little queasy when the devil comes to dinner. I don't know why you cooked her dinner. I'm sure she would have preferred it raw. 

FRASIER 

Don't you mean still alive? Seriously are you feeling all right? 

MARTIN 

I've just got a little upset stomach. Nothing that another beer won't cure I'm sure. 

FRASIER AND MARTIN EXIT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

NILES, DAPHNE, ROZ AND MARGARET SIT AROUND THE DINNING TABLE AS FRASIER AND MARTIN ENTER AND SIT BACK DOWN WITH THEM. NO ONE EXCEPT DAPHNE AND MARGARET LOOK AS IF THEY CAN SAY A WORD WITHOUT FEARING FOR THEIR LIVES 

MARGARET 

Blimey you've put on weight since the last time I saw you Daphne. You've got real birthing hips on you now. I bet you could pass a calf at a push. 

FRASIER 

Would you like some dessert? 

MARGARET 

Have you made it? 

FRASIER 

I certainly have this... 

MARGARET 

Then no thank you. I should give my stomach lining a rest from your last effort before it kills me off. 

DAPHNE 

Now, now I thought dinner was lovely, thank you Dr. Crane. 

NILES LOOKS STUNNED AND A LITTLE FRIGHTENED AT MARGARET 

MARGARET 

Well you would what with your cooking skills. (TO NILES) What are you looking at you shifty bleeder? This isn't really the one you're marrying is it? 

DAPHNE 

I do wish you wouldn't be so harsh on everyone. 

MARGARET 

Harsh? I'm only telling the truth. Look at the look in his eye. You're likely to wake up one morning with a limb missing that he's flogged down the docks. 

MARTIN STANDS 

MARTIN 

Well I'm off to bed, I'm not feeling too good. 

MARGARET 

I'm not surprised with the slop we were fed tonight. You get a better meal in hospital and then all the donated organs go straight to the hospital kitchen to be puréed and served as lunch. 

MARTIN 

It's been a pleasure Margaret. 

MARGARET 

Well that just shows how much you get out. 

MARTIN RATHER QUICKLY EXITS TOWARDS HIS BEDROOM 

MARGARET (CONT'D) 

(TO ROZ) You haven't said much tonight. Are you sleeping with one of them and all? You weren't invited for your sparkling dinner conversation. 

ROZ LOOKS LOST FOR WORDS 

DAPHNE 

Maybe that's because you haven't been awfully friendly tonight. 

MARGARET 

Oh arse! I've been down right hospitable. If these miserable bleeders can't be bothered to make an effort, why should I? 

DAPHNE 

All right that it's I've had enough. 

DAPHNE THROWS HER NAPKIN DOWN AND STANDS UP 

MARGARET 

(TO ROZ) I told you she wouldn't stay with the shifty one for long. 

DAPHNE 

(EXTREMELY ANGRY) I mean with you. I know I'm going to get in some serious trouble with Mum but I'm past the point of caring. How dare you speak to them like that? You hadn't taken more then one foot off the plane before you started attacking Niles and what for? Because you're a mean, bitter, twisted old woman with nothing better to do. Dr. Crane has opened his home up for you tonight and you've done nothing but put him down. Well no more, from now on woman you speak only when spoken to with that rosy smile on your face or you can go and stay somewhere else. 

MARGARET TRIES TO MAINTAIN HER DIGNITY AND STANDS 

MARGARET 

I see. Then can you point me in the direction of my room? 

DAPHNE 

We're not staying here, we're staying at Niles'. 

MARGARET 

Right now I wouldn't travel more then ten yards with you. After that attack I need somewhere to sleep and regain my equilibrium. 

DAPHNE 

Oh stop being a drama Queen. 

MARGARET 

Just point me in the direction of your room and I shall stay there tonight and may consider going home with you tomorrow. 

DAPHNE 

Fine it's through there. 

MARGARET 

Goodnight. 

MARGARET EXITS TO DAPHNE'S ROOM AND EVERYONE STARES AT DAPHNE STUNNED 

FRASIER 

Is it safe to come out now? 

ROZ 

I don't know about her making nun's cry, you almost made me cry. 

NILES 

I am so proud of you. 

NILES GOES TO DAPHNE AND HUGS HER 

DAPHNE 

I'm going to get into so much trouble for this, but I don't care. I'm not going to change our plans for a ratty old woman and then be abused by her. 

FRASIER 

I'm sure she'll tow the line now. 

DAPHNE 

I better see if she needs anything. 

FRASIER 

You're not going to leave her here are you? 

DAPHNE 

No I guess I can sleep on the couch. 

NILES 

Do you think there's room for two? 

FRASIER 

Of course, who doesn't want a slumber party in their living room? Why don't we all sleep in the living room? 

DAPHNE AND NILES EXIT TO HER ROOM AS ROZ MOVES OVER TO THE TELESCOPE AND LOOKS THROUGH IT 

ROZ 

I'm going to go as well as soon as I've checked. She's still there. Doesn't this woman ever sleep? 

FRASIER 

Do you want me to drive you home? 

ROZ 

That'll be great. I'm scared to use my car in fear of what's she done to it. 

NILES ENTERS FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM AND EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

Can I still retract that favour? 

ROZ 

No, just don't be surprised if she tries to spread eagle on your hood as you turn the corner. 

FRASIER AND ROZ GET THEIR COATS AS NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A TALL GLASS 

FRASIER 

What do you need that for? 

NILES 

She needs somewhere to put her teeth. 

AS NILES EXITS BACK INTO DAPHNE'S ROOM WE: 

FADE OUT 

(E) 

TITLE CARD: "DEATH BECOMES HER" 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/3   
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Margaret) 

NILES AND DAPHNE LIE SQUASHED ON THE COUCH LOOKING EXTREMELY TIRED AND UNCOMFORTABLE 

NILES 

That was without doubt the most uncomfortable night of my life. I think I've dislocated every bone in my body trying to stay on this couch. We should have covered it in Velcro. 

DAPHNE 

I'd get up but I don't think I can move. 

NILES SITS UP 

NILES 

Oh my back! 

DAPHNE 

What's the matter with it? 

NILES 

I fell off around five o'clock and caught the edge of the coffee table. Even when she's quiet she still punishing us. 

DAPHNE LEANS OVER AND STARTS RUBBING HIS BACK 

DAPHNE 

What's wrong with your eye? 

NILES 

You elbow caught me as I was trying to climb back on again. 

DAPHNE 

I'm so sorry. This wasn't such a good idea after all. We should have just sedated her and dragged her home. 

FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS BEDROOM 

FRASIER 

Good morning campers. I hope you weren't up late telling ghost stories and eating marshmallows. 

NILES 

I'll make some coffee. Wait whose hand is this? 

DAPHNE 

It's yours. 

NILES 

Oh how nice, I've been lying on my arm and I now have no feeling in it. You could amputate it and I wouldn't know. 

DAPHNE 

Really? 

DAPHNE YANKS NILES' THUMB BACKWARD 

NILES 

I meant the other one. 

NILES EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

DAPHNE 

Did you get Roz home all right? 

FRASIER 

Apart from being pelted with animal waste products as we went around the corner and the headless rabbit that was waiting for her on the doorstep to her building fine. 

DAPHNE 

How does she know if was for her? 

FRASIER 

It had a note on it that said 'die Roz die'. I don't think you need to be a detective to make the connection. 

DAPHNE 

I still say you've jumped to the most obvious conclusion. 

NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN 

NILES 

Had I better go and see if your Aunt wants anything? 

DAPHNE 

If you would thank you. If I do it I might smother her. 

NILES 

I'm worried she'll smother me. 

NILES EXITS TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM 

RESET TO: 

INT. DAPHNE'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARGARET LIES IN BED ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE AS NILES ENTERS. NILES HANGS BY THE DOOR A LITTLE AFRAID OF GOING IN TOO FAR 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Good morning Margaret, can I get you a coffee? 

MARGARET DOESN'T MOVE. NILES MOVES A LITTLE FURTHER INTO THE ROOM 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Margaret? 

MARGARET STILL DOESN'T MOVE. NILES WALKS RIGHT UP TO HER 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Margaret? 

NILES TOUCHES HER HAND AND THEN IMMEDIATELY BACKS OFF 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Oh my God. Oh no come on Margaret wake up. 

NILES BEGINS TO FRANTICALLY POKE HER ON THE ARM BUT SHE STILL DOESN'T MOVE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Please. 

NILES FEELS FOR A PULSE BEFORE QUICKLY RUNNING AND EXITING

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS 

FRASIER IS JUST POURING BOTH HIMSELF AND DAPHNE A CUP OF COFFEE AS NILES COMES RUNNING IN 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Frasier can I see you for a moment? 

DAPHNE 

What's wrong? 

NILES 

Nothing I just need a little boy chat. 

FRASIER FOLLOWS NILES AND THEY BOTH EXIT TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM 

RESET TO: 

INT. DAPHNE'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARGARET REMAINS AS BEFORE AS NILES AND FRASIER ENTER

FRASIER 

What's the matter? 

NILES 

She's dead. 

FRASIER 

Who? 

NILES 

Mrs. Wilson from across the hall, who do you think? 

FRASIER 

Are you sure? 

THEY BOTH APPROACH THE BED VERY CAUTIOUSLY 

NILES 

Well it has been a long time since I went to medical school but being stone cold, with no heartbeat and not breathing usually means that someone is dead. You can try slapping her across the face with her own hand but I doubt you'll get a response. Touch her. 

FRASIER 

Who do you think I am? Now is not the time to experiment. 

NILES 

I meant to double check. 

FRASIER 

Well she's hardly asleep Niles. Oh God I've got a dead body in my apartment. That'll put its value up. 

NILES 

What do I tell Daphne? 

THEY BOTH MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE DOOR 

FRASIER 

The truth. You can't hide this from her. Sooner or later she's going to wonder what that smell is coming from under her bed. 

NILES 

But how do I tell her? 

DAPHNE ENTERS IN THE DOORWAY 

DAPHNE 

Tell her what? 

NILES 

Daphne! 

FRASIER AND NILES PUSH DAPHNE OUT OF HER ROOM AND THEN SHUT THE DOOR BEHIND THEM 

RESET TO: 

INT. CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE STARES AT NILES AND FRASIER A LITTLE STUNNED AND CONFUSED 

DAPHNE 

Dear God what's the matter with you? 

NILES 

Nothing, let's go and get some coffee. 

DAPHNE RATHER RELUCTANTLY EXITS TOWARDS THE LIVING ROOM WITH NILES AND FRASIER FOLLOWING HER 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE, FRASIER AND NILES ENTER

DAPHNE 

Something is going on here. 

NILES 

Oh all right fine, but Frasier wants to tell you. 

FRASIER 

Do I? Daphne we have some bad news. You may want to sit down for this. 

DAPHNE DOES AS SHE IS TOLD WITH NILES SITTING NEXT TO HER HOLDING HER HAND 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

It seems that your Auntie Margaret has passed away in the night. 

DAPHNE 

You what? 

NILES 

Daphne I'm sorry, she's dead. 

DAPHNE 

No she can't be, she's just asleep. 

NILES 

It's a lot more serious then that. 

DAPHNE 

Then maybe it's a coma. 

FRASIER 

Daphne she's definitely dead. 

DAPHNE 

Oh my God, Mum's going to kill me. I've killed Auntie Margaret. 

NILES 

What are you talking about? 

DAPHNE 

I yelled at her. 

FRASIER 

You can't yell someone to death. If that were the case I'd have been dead the first week I met Lilith. 

DAPHNE 

How do you know for certain it's not my fault? How am I going to tell Mum? Sorry Mum but I accidentally killed your sister, is there anyone else you'd like me to try and knock off? 

NILES 

Daphne this is not your fault. She was an old woman. This would have happened no matter where in the world she was. Just be thankful that she was here with us and not on a bus in Manchester. 

FRASIER 

I'd better call an ambulance. 

FRASIER PICKS UP THE PHONE AS MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM 

NILES 

I can't believe we have a dead body in the apartment. 

MARTIN 

It was just a little upset stomach I'm fine. 

AS FRASIER DIALS THE PHONE AND NILES TRIES IN VAIN TO COMFORT DAPHNE WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(E) 

TITLE CARD: "EVEN SUPERMAN DIDN'T HAVE THAT POWER" 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/3   
(Martin, Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Roz, Katie) 

FRASIER AND MARTIN SIT TOGETHER IN THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA. MARTIN LOOKS VERY MISERABLE 

MARTIN 

It's been a week, why hasn't she called me back? Have I suddenly lost that Marty Crane magic? 

FRASIER 

You've still got plenty of time. Marty Crane magic? It sounds like a fungal disease. 

MARTIN 

Valentine's Day is tomorrow. 

FRASIER 

She's still got a day to phone you. She's probably doing it on purpose to make you dangle. 

MARTIN 

I've been stood up. I feel like a teenager. I feel the need to graffiti something or kick a cat to get rid of my frustration. 

FRASIER 

Well Eddie's at home if you feel like kicking a dog. 

NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER AND IMMEDIATELY SIT DOWN 

NILES 

You've got to call her sooner or later. 

DAPHNE 

Can't you do it? 

NILES 

If you want me to call your mother and tell her I will. But she's going to want to speak to you eventually. 

DAPHNE 

I feel so guilty. 

NILES 

How many more times do we have to tell you Daphne it wasn't your fault? She was an old lady. She could have died at any time. Old people are like that. They can die at the drop of a hat. 

MARTIN 

Thank you so much now I feel much better. 

NILES 

I didn't mean you. 

FRASIER 

It's just accrued to me are you sure you gave Meryl the right phone number? 

MARTIN 

No I gave her the number of the pizza parlour instead. I actually enjoy the feeling of being dumped before a date. 

FRASIER 

I don't want to be insensitive here Dad, but with the events of this morning and her age, maybe a similar thing has happened. 

MARTIN 

I doubt it. Daphne doesn't know her to yell at her. 

NILES 

Stop it! This is not Daphne's fault. 

MARTIN 

You're right although to be on the safe side I'll start doing my exercises first time in case you yell at me. 

FRASIER 

And all this time we thought your cooking was the most deadly part of you. 

NILES 

Stop it both of you. Honey just ignore them. 

DAPHNE 

How am I going to tell me mother? 

MARTIN 

How about just send her something through the mail? 

DAPHNE 

Like what for instance? 

FRASIER 

Like Auntie Margaret. 

DAPHNE 

I'm glad to know that you both find her death amusing. 

MARTIN 

Can't you just say she was dead when she got here? 

DAPHNE 

What do you mean? 

MARTIN 

That it happened somewhere between immigration and baggage check. 

DAPHNE 

I'll get into even more trouble for that, that I left it so long before telling her. 

ROZ COMES RUNNING IN OUT OF BREATH AND GOES STRAIGHT TO THE COUNTER 

ROZ 

Quick, need coffee, latte please. 

FRASIER 

What's going on? 

ROZ 

Trying to shake off stalker. Need to pee. 

ROZ EXITS TOWARDS THE BATHROOM 

NILES 

She gets more ladylike by the day. 

KATIE ENTERS AND TAKES A LONG LOOK AROUND THE ROOM BEFORE NOTICING FRASIER 

KATIE 

Frasier, hi. 

FRASIER 

Katie, this is a surprise. Are we still on for tomorrow night? 

KATIE 

We certainly are. 

FRASIER 

Oh let me introduce you. Katie this is my father Martin, my brother Niles and his fiancée Daphne. 

KATIE 

It's a pleasure to meet you all. 

FRASIER 

Would you like to join us for a coffee? 

ROZ ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM AND KATIE IMMEDIATELY SEE HER 

KATIE 

Oh I would love to...but I have to go. Bye. 

KATIE RUSHES BEHIND THE LEFT SIDE OF THE PILLAR AS ROZ COMES AROUND THE OTHER SIDE. AS ROZ APPROACHES THE TABLE KATIE COMPLETELY HIDES BEHIND THE PILLAR 

NILES 

She must be rushing off to watch all those rare pigeons. 

ROZ 

I'm going straight to the station before I get egged again. See you later. (THEN) Actually Daphne, if I get this woman face to face, do you think you could yell at her a little? I'm not asking for the full force just enough to give her a haemorrhage or something. 

DAPHNE 

No. 

ROZ PICKS UP HER COFFEE AND EXITS. WHEN SHE HAS GONE KATIE EMERGES FROM BEHIND THE PILLAR AND FOLLOWS HER OUT 

FRASIER 

Oh bye Katie. 

AS THEY CONTINUE TO DRINK THEIR COFFEE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

FADE IN: 

INT. DAPHNE'S BEDROOM — NIGHT — DAY/3   
(Daphne, Niles) 

DAPHNE SITS ON A CHAIR BY HER DRESSER AS SHE HANGS UP THE PHONE AND NILES SITS ON THE END OF THE BED. THEY ARE BOTH DRESSED READY FOR BED 

DAPHNE 

She was so upset. 

NILES 

Are you sure? She sounded as if she was laughing to me. 

DAPHNE 

That's just Mum's cover. When she's really upset she laughs. 

NILES 

Wait a second, she was laughing hysterically when you told her we were engaged. 

DAPHNE 

Expect her to be laughing so hard she'll wet herself at the wedding. Dad truly found it funny. He's been trying to kill Auntie Margaret for years. 

NILES 

You're kidding? 

DAPHNE 

Nope. The amount of times he put rat poison in her dinner and it did nothing but give her a lazy eye needs to be seen to be believed. We didn't think anything would kill her. Until she came across my fiery tongue. 

NILES 

Daphne it's not your fault. I think I'm going to have to put that phrase on tape. She just died, that's the way it goes. 

DAPHNE 

I wish I could be sure. As a mark of respect I don't think we should go out at all tomorrow. 

NILES 

But it's Valentine's Day. 

DAPHNE 

I just feel too guilty. I can't go out celebrating while she's as stiff as a board. 

NILES 

Well if you insist. Wait a second are those her teeth still on the dresser? 

DAPHNE 

Yes 

NILES 

Well that's certainly disturbing but I guess it's not as if she needs them. 

DAPHNE CLIMBS INTO THE LEFT HAND SIDE OF THE BED AS NILES JUST STARES AT HER 

NILES (CONT'D) 

What are you doing? 

DAPHNE 

Going to bed. 

NILES 

(RE: THE RIGHT SIDE) But that's your side. 

DAPHNE 

It is not. 

NILES 

Yes it is. 

DAPHNE 

It's not. 

NILES 

Daphne, the first time that we slept together I had the nerve to accidentally fall asleep on your side while you were in the bathroom and you woke me up by beating me about the head with a pillow. 

DAPHNE 

You're disoriented, you've got the sides mixed up. 

NILES 

Listen Daphne, she didn't die on your side, she died on my side. 

DAPHNE 

Really? 

NILES 

Really, really, now scoot over. 

DAPHNE 

No you're lying. 

NILES 

I'm not. 

DAPHNE 

Then why won't you sleep on that side? 

NILES 

Because I'm not used to it. I don't like trying new things. 

DAPHNE 

I'm not moving. 

NILES 

But she died right where you are lying and might I add she was naked under the sheets. 

DAPHNE 

Then why are you so desperate to sleep where a corpse was this morning? 

NILES 

Because I'm a sick, sick, sick man and I need serious help. I'll find a therapist in the morning but right now indulge me, move over. 

DAPHNE 

No I know you're lying. 

NILES 

This is ridiculous, why don't we just go to the Montana? 

DAPHNE 

Because I don't want to leave her on her own. 

NILES 

She's not here anymore, she's at the morgue. 

DAPHNE 

I have to be near her spirit to apologise for what I did to her. 

NILES 

This doesn't mean you're going to start sleeping next to her grave are you? 

DAPHNE 

It's still too early to say. But right now I can sense her in the room. 

NILES 

She's probably come back looking for her teeth. 

AS NILES TRIES TO GET DAPHNE TO MOVE OVER SLIGHTLY WE: 

FADE OUT 

(G) 

FADE IN: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/4   
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Daphne) 

FRASIER ENTERS INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH AND SEES ROZ SITTING BEHIND THE GLASS WITH A SMALL OBJECT GRASPED IN HER HAND LOOKING VERY TENSE 

FRASIER 

Roz what's that? 

ROZ 

Mace. 

FRASIER 

Mace? You've brought mace to work with you? 

ROZ 

That's right. 

FRASIER 

May I ask what for? 

ROZ 

For protection since Kenny said I wasn't allowed to bring my cattle prod with me. I think he was afraid I'd use it on you. 

FRASIER 

I know some of the callers are strange but they can't actually hurt you through the phone. Some may claim to have secret death ray powers but these are also the same people who talk to trees and paint sparrows. 

ROZ 

It's in case my stalker gets up here. 

FRASIER 

Is she still following you? 

ROZ 

Everywhere I go. She tried to get into the toilet cubicle with me in Nervosa but she couldn't quite fit. I found a dead racoon in my mailbox this morning. She is really starting to freak me out. 

FRASIER 

What does Dean have to say about this? 

ROZ 

He told her off during one of the obscene phone calls I've been getting but that only seems to have encouraged her even more. 

SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

I'm not answering that. 

FRASIER 

Roz it's a call in show, you have to answer the phone so I've got someone to talk to, hence the call in part. 

ROZ 

What if it's her? 

FRASIER 

What if it's some sick twisted soul that needs help? 

ROZ 

Exactly what if it's her? 

FRASIER 

Just do your job. 

ROZ 

Oh I like this, when you're being stalked it's front page news and you whine like a castrated puppy, but when it's me I just have to be quiet. 

FRASIER 

Finally you understand. 

ROZ 

You're on in three. 

FRASIER PUTS HIS HEADPHONES ON AND GOES ON AIR 

FRASIER 

Hello Seattle, this is Dr. Frasier Crane and I'll be with you for the next three hours to answer your calls. So without further ado let's get straight to the phones. Roz who do we have? 

ROZ 

How should I know? I told you I'm not answering it. 

FRASIER 

Hello caller I'm listening. 

NILES (VO) 

Frasier can you please tell Daphne that she didn't kill her Aunt Margaret. 

FRASIER 

Caller I don't really think this is the time or place for... 

NILES (VO) 

She's even refusing to go out to dinner tonight. I keep telling her it wasn't her fault but she just won't accept it. 

FRASIER 

Listen Niles I'm working, I'll speak to you later. 

NILES (VO) 

Just one quick word and then I'm gone. 

FRASIER 

Fine, Daphne you didn't kill her, she just died. Roz who do we have next? 

ROZ 

Line two. 

FRASIER 

Hello caller. 

DAPHNE (VO) 

You can tell your brother, that I don't want our dirty laundry washed in public thank you very much. 

FRASIER 

This is going to be a long day. 

AS FRASIER CONTINUES WITH HIS SHOW WE: 

FADE OUT 

(H) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/4   
(Daphne, Niles, Martin) 

DAPHNE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND NILES ENTERS HOLDING A FLOWER 

DAPHNE 

Hello you. 

NILES 

I've brought a small peace offering. I'm sorry I called in the show but I can't think of any other way to get you to understand that it wasn't your fault. 

DAPHNE 

I know you were only trying to help but it's not going to stop me from feeling guilty. 

NILES 

You didn't kill her. 

DAPHNE 

I know but I was so mean to her before she died. 

NILES 

You weren't to know. And you only told her what we all wanted to. 

DAPHNE 

It's just going to take a while for this pain to go away. 

NILES 

I know, but it'll go soon. 

MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM LOOKING EXTREMELY SMART 

DAPHNE 

Where are you off to, Mr. fancy-pants? 

MARTIN 

Meryl called, I'm going out on a date. 

NILES 

Why did she take so long to call you? 

MARTIN 

She lost the phone number. 

DAPHNE 

Then how did she get in contact with you? 

MARTIN 

She came around to see me this afternoon. 

NILES 

Wouldn't it have been easier to have just tracked down your phone number then your address and come all the way over here? 

MARTIN 

She only lives one floor down. 

NILES 

What? 

DAPHNE 

Are you talking about Meryl Minnetti? 

MARTIN 

That's her. 

NILES 

But if she only lives down stairs why haven't you been to ask her why she hasn't called instead of sulking around here? 

MARTIN 

I didn't want to seem desperate. See you later don't wait up. 

MARTIN EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

DAPHNE 

Well what are we going to do? 

NILES 

First thing tomorrow, buy you a new mattress. 

DAPHNE 

I meant tonight. It is Valentine's Day after all. 

NILES 

I didn't think you wanted to do anything. 

DAPHNE 

I changed my mind. 

NILES 

Then it's a good job I didn't cancel our dinner reservations. 

THEY BOTH STAND UP AND NILES OPENS THE DOOR 

DAPHNE 

I'll just be a second. 

NILES EXITS AS DAPHNE STARES AROUND THE ROOM 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Goodnight Auntie Margaret. Bye. 

AS DAPHNE EXITS AND SHUTS THE DOOR WE: 

FADE OUT 

(I) 

FADE IN: 

INT. RESTAURANT — EVENING — DAY/4   
(Frasier, Katie, Roz, Dean, Waiter) 

FRASIER AND KATIE SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF A HEAVING RESTAURANT LOOKING AT THEIR MENUS 

FRASIER 

I hope you like seafood. 

KATIE 

Actually I'm allergic. 

FRASIER 

Well I'm sure there is something else on the menu. Oh what do you know there isn't. I'm so sorry. 

KATIE 

No that's fine, I love breadsticks and I'm sure they'll have soup. Or just clam chowder. 

FRASIER 

This is turning into a bit of a nightmare. 

KATIE 

The desserts surely can't have fish in them. 

FRASIER 

I wouldn't put money on it. Shall we try and get in somewhere else? I'm sure there'll be a toilet cubicle available left in one restaurant in the city. 

KATIE 

Frasier it'll be fine here, I can eat the side salad. The most important thing is that we spend some time together. 

FRASIER 

Never a truer word spoken. You sure left in a hurry yesterday, where were you off to, if you don't mind my asking? 

KATIE 

I just had some birds to watch. 

FRASIER 

You certainly take this bird watching seriously. 

FRASIER NOTICES ROZ AND DEAN ENTER AND SIT BEHIND KATIE'S SHOULDER 

KATIE 

Well we all need a hobby. What's the matter? 

FRASIER 

My friend just walked in with her date. 

KATIE 

Do you want to go and say hello? 

KATIE TURNS AROUND AND SEES THEM AND IMMEDIATELY RUNS TO THEM 

FRASIER 

No I'll leave her to her dinner companion and I wouldn't want to abandon you. Although clearly you have no problems abandoning me. 

KATIE 

You bitch! 

DEAN 

Katie! 

ROZ 

Listen psycho will you stop stalking me! 

FRASIER JOINS THEM 

FRASIER 

Roz what is going on? 

ROZ 

Finally you're here to see this whack job. 

FRASIER 

What are you talking about? 

ROZ 

This is the woman who's been stalking me. 

DEAN 

Katie what are you doing here? 

FRASIER 

Which woman? 

ROZ 

The one milking the cow. This crazy loon here. 

FRASIER 

Katie? 

ROZ 

You know her? 

KATIE 

I'm his date. 

ROZ 

Dear God you're dating my stalker? Are you that desperate for a date? 

FRASIER 

You're stalking Roz? 

DEAN 

Katie just go home and leave us alone. 

KATIE 

How do you know this whore? Is there anyone who belongs to me that you won't try to steal away? 

FRASIER 

Roz is my friend, how dare you talk to her like that. 

KATIE 

Dean you love me just admit it. 

DEAN 

No I don't, I thought you'd take the hint when I started to date the first person I came across to get away from you. 

ROZ 

You what? 

DEAN 

That didn't come out like it was supposed to. 

ROZ 

Get away from me. 

KATIE 

Dean you're not leaving me again. 

DEAN RUNS OUT WITH KATIE FOLLOWING AS FRASIER AND ROZ STARE AFTER THEM AND A WAITER APPROACHES THE TABLE 

WAITER 

If you don't calm down Sir I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. 

THE WAITER WALKS AWAY 

FRASIER 

Thank you, you've just decreased your chances of a tip. 

ROZ 

Why is it when I go to dinner the only time Sir or Ma'am is used is when it's followed by 'you're making a scene'? 

FRASIER 

If only there was some clue. 

ROZ 

I hope you're happy, your date scared off mine. 

FRASIER 

I've never been more thrilled this is exactly how I wanted to spend Valentine's Day. Lonely. 

ROZ 

And even more desperate. 

FRASIER 

You're not really feeling that bad are you? 

ROZ 

I thought we were talking about you. 

FRASIER 

I'm going home. I'm not eating on my own. 

ROZ 

I'm going to be embarrassed in front of the baby sitter. 

FRASIER 

I know it's not the first time. 

ROZ 

But this time I'm not naked. 

FRASIER 

Well you know actually... 

ROZ 

I am not stripping for you. 

FRASIER 

I was going to say, unless you'd like to have dinner with me miss? 

ROZ 

That'll be lovely kind Sir. 

FRASIER SITS DOWN 

FRASIER 

Wonderful. 

ROZ 

At least we both know how this evening will end up, they'll be no awkward moments. 

FRASIER 

Yeah. 

FRASIER/ROZ 

It'll end with a zero. 

AS THE WAITER APPROACHES THEM AGAIN WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM DRAGGING HER MATTRESS WITH THEM. THEY DRAG IT TO THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM AND LEAN IT UP THE FIRE PLACE. THEY THEN GET A NEW ONE STILL IN PLASTIC FROM BY THE COAT PEGS AND TAKE THAT INTO DAPHNE'S ROOM. WHEN THEY ARE OUT OF SIGHT EDDIE COMES RUNNING OUT OF THE KITCHEN SITS IN FRONT OF THE MATTRESS AND STARTS TO BARK AT IT 


	14. Episode Fourteen

_I don't own any of these characters. All right belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_I would be extremely grateful for any feedback so please send it to kelly_simba@hotmail.com. Any feedback at all. Even if it's just one line long. It doesn't even have to be a line, it can just be a single letter. A single letter of your own choice might I add. Am I beginning to sound desperate? Oh well it wouldn't be the first time. _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Nine Episode Fourteen   
Problem Child 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: "IT'S LIKE PUNCH AND JUDY ONLY DIFFERENT" 

FADE IN: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Roz, Michael (VO), Helen (VO)) 

FRASIER AND ROZ SIT ON THEIR RESPECTIVE SIDES OF THE GLASS PARTITION IN THE BOOTH COMING TO THE END OF THE SHOW. FRASIER IS ON THE LINE WITH MICHAEL

FRASIER 

Now tell me again Michael why you have locked yourself in the broom closet. And can we have the brief version this time please although I think the longer version might have helped every single insomniac listening, maybe even have killed them. I don't want a health warning to be included at the beginning of my show. 

MICHAEL (VO) 

Sure Dr. Crane. Because she's outside, she's crazy and she's more dangerous then a monkey let loose with an assault rifle. And I don't mean that in a good way. 

FRASIER 

That's just a tad too brief, can we have a slightly longer version but not as long as the first one and please leave out the monkey reference this time. 

ROZ 

Do you want me to time him? I can run and get a stopwatch or an egg timer from across the street. 

FRASIER 

No that's not necessary thank you Roz. 

MICHAEL (VO) 

So how long exactly do you want my response to be? 

FRASIER 

I don't know...average length I guess. 

MICHAEL (VO) 

Well what is average length? 

FRASIER 

I don't know, maybe a minute, a minute and a half. 

ROZ 

But it really depends on the problem. Someone kidnapping squirrels from the park and painting their toenails before selling them on as barbecue meat to unsuspecting tourists with a very poor grasp of the English language usually lasts about a minute before the sobbing starts and the Police arrive. 

FRASIER 

Where as suddenly discovering that you're dating your biological mother can take anything up to an hour or more depending on how far the relationship has progressed and how many children have been born from it. 

MICHAEL (VO) 

Then what's average length for a similar problem to mine? 

FRASIER 

But I really don't know what your problem is yet Michael. 

MICHAEL (VO) 

Then I'll just aim for a minute. Although does it matter if I go slightly over or slightly under? 

FRASIER 

(ANNOYED) No it doesn't. 

MICHAEL (VO) 

Are you sure because I don't want to get into any trouble. 

FRASIER 

For God's sake will you just tell me what your problem is before I cut you off and I don't mean the phone line you annoying little man! 

ROZ 

I think you've hit the nail on the head right there. 

MICHAEL (VO) 

I'm not going to tell you if you use that tone with me. If I want to get yelled at I can just phone my mother at the nursing home and tell her she's not having my kidney. 

FRASIER 

Just tell me the problem! 

MICHAEL (VO) 

I think you're the one with the problem Dr. Crane. 

FRASIER 

Do you want me to help you or not? 

MICHAEL (VO) 

It's debatable now. What are you doing?!? 

HELEN (VO) 

Give me that! Dr. Crane this is Michael's wife Helen. There's nothing wrong with him other then he's drunk a bottle of Jack Daniels and locked himself in the broom closet with a tube of glue and a grocery bag full of feathers. Oh my God do you have idea how much that is going to hurt you when I pull them off? It'll sting for a week. You could have at least have given yourself a bikini wax first. Oh my God! Look at that! Stay there I'm going to get my mother to bring the camera. 

FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE LINE 

FRASIER 

I see. Well that's three minutes of my life I'll never get back again and a recurring nightmare that will probably plague me until the day I die. But that's only if I'm lucky. And on that happy and rather pointless note I see that we are all out of time. This is Dr. Frasier Crane saying have a great day Seattle and good mental health especially to Michael's wife who I hope pulls those feathers with all her strength. 

AS FRASIER GOES OFF AIR AND TAKES HIS HEADPHONES OFF ROZ ENTERS INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Don't you screen these calls at all? 

ROZ 

Of course I do. You have no idea some of the freakish things I have to listen to but don't pass on to you. After all that it's amazing that I don't have to call into the show on a regular basis. 

FRASIER 

And that last guy just happened to slip through your net? Or don't you class sticking feathers to your ass as freaky? 

ROZ 

No, I thought it would be entertaining. 

FRASIER 

Entertaining? He's nearly given me a brain haemorrhage from the stress. I have no feeling down the left hand side of my body. 

ROZ 

I meant entertaining for me. 

FRASIER 

Well as long as you enjoy yourself who cares about my health? 

ROZ 

Exactly. 

FRASIER 

What kind of freakish things? 

ROZ 

Do you know what colour a marmot is if you turn it completely inside out and keep it as a glove puppet? 

FRASIER 

I must have been sick the day they lectured on that at Harvard, so no I don't. 

ROZ 

Well I do. Do you know what the end product of eight generations worth of incest is? 

FRASIER 

At a guess someone who knows the colour of an inside out marmot. Why would you keep a dead marmot as a glove puppet? 

ROZ 

When you're sleeping with your sister I guess you're not too fussy what else you do for entertainment. 

FRASIER 

A point well made. 

ROZ 

Do you know what... 

FRASIER 

All right Roz I think I've heard enough. 

ROZ 

And what would happen if I said that? 

FRASIER 

You'd be out of a job and I'd have a producer who doesn't whine as much and who fetches me coffee and rubs my feet on command. 

ROZ 

Do you know what... 

SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING

FRASIER 

Ah saved by the bell. 

ROZ 

Do you know what some people do with telephones? 

FRASIER 

Talk on them? 

ROZ 

That's not all they do who call in here, some people have found a very unusual place on their body to keep the receiver when they'll not using it. Do you want me to go into detail? 

FRASIER 

Not one little bit. 

FRASIER ANSWERS THE PHONE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

(ON PHONE) Hello? Oh Lilith hello. What's wrong? He did what? Why? That little devil. Of course I want to talk to him about it. You're doing what? That's fine. Put him straight on that plane and I'll talk some sense into him. Okay tomorrow at four. Goodbye Lilith. 

FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE 

ROZ 

What's the matter? 

FRASIER 

Freddie's been suspended from school. 

ROZ 

For what? 

FRASIER 

For setting off the fire alarm. 

ROZ 

Wow, like father like son. What's brought that on? I'm guessing there wasn't a fire. 

FRASIER 

Lilith doesn't know. He's been acting up a lot recently. She's flying him over so that I can try to get through to him since he's refusing to speak to her about it. 

ROZ 

Hey do you know what some of our callers do with fire alarms? 

FRASIER 

I don't want to hear it. 

ROZ 

You can't where they put it. 

AS FRASIER EXITS OUT OF THE BOOTH WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Niles, Daphne, Martin, Frasier) 

DAPHNE MOVES ABOUT THE ROOM TIDYING AS SHE GOES AS NILES FOLLOWS HER AROUND TRYING TO TALK TO HER. THERE ARE VARIOUS NEWSPAPERS AND BEER CANS SCATTERED AROUND 

NILES 

Daphne can I ask you a question? 

DAPHNE 

Oh for God's sake how many more times do we have to have this conversation? It's great, honestly, the best ever. Wonderful. You da man. 

NILES 

I wasn't going to ask that. (THEN) Really? 

DAPHNE 

What did you want to ask? 

NILES TAKES HER HAND AND MAKES HER SIT ON THE COUCH 

NILES 

I know that we agreed to wait until after the wedding but I've been thinking more and more about it. And the more I think about it the more I want to do it. Daphne Moon will you move in with me? 

DAPHNE 

What now? 

NILES 

Well not right now, you've got something in the oven and I have Wine Club tonight, but soon. As soon as possible. 

DAPHNE 

Niles I'd love to but what about your father? 

NILES 

What about him? He's not moving in with us as well. I've had that chair their once before. Every now and then you can still smell it in my living room. 

DAPHNE 

I thought we were going to wait until your brother had found someone to be here when neither of us are. How will he cope on his own when your brother's not here? What if he falls down in the shower? 

NILES 

We'll put extra traction decal in there. That way if it's hideous we get to annoy Frasier as well. 

DAPHNE 

What if that gets moved? 

NILES 

Then we'll glue it to his feet. 

DAPHNE 

What if he sets the apartment on fire? 

NILES 

I'm sure Frasier has insurance. 

DAPHNE 

All right then what if he sets himself on fire? 

NILES 

Then he'll get a nice all over tan. 

DAPHNE 

Niles! 

NILES 

I'm sure Eddie will be able to handle the fire extinguisher. There's too much emphasis these days on opposable thumbs. 

DAPHNE 

Niles I just can't. 

NILES 

Why? 

DAPHNE 

Because I can't. 

NILES 

That's not an answer. 

DAPHNE 

Yes it is. 

NILES 

No it's not, I want more then that. 

DAPHNE GETS UP AND STARTS TO TIDY AGAIN 

DAPHNE 

And I want a fluffy rain cloud as a pet, but we don't always get what we want do we. 

DAPHNE STARTS TO GATHER UP ALL THE BEER CANS 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

I mean how can he survive all day on his own when he can't even put a beer can and a newspaper in the bin?! 

NILES 

(WORRIED) Does this have something to do with me? You don't want to move in with me? Because you know you're going to have to sometime after the wedding, otherwise we won't only be married, we'll be on a trial separation as well. 

DAPHNE 

All right I confess it's because I'm having a secret passionate affair with your father and I don't want to leave him. 

NILES STANDS AND WALKS TO DAPHNE TO STOP HER FROM TIDYING 

NILES 

Aha I knew it. 

DAPHNE 

Oh no you didn't. It's been going on for eight years and you haven't suspected a thing. 

NILES 

Oh yes I did. I knew you didn't need to help him in and out of the bath. 

DAPHNE 

Okay you've got me there. 

NILES 

Seriously Daphne what's going on? 

DAPHNE 

All right it's your brother I'm sleeping with not your father. 

NILES 

Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

There's nothing going on this is just sudden. I thought we were going to wait until the wedding before we moved in together. 

NILES 

I know, but I want you there now. Will you at least give it a little thought? Please? 

DAPHNE 

I'll try. 

THEY KISS 

NILES 

And I'll try to get that image of you and my father out of my head, maybe alcohol and a lobotomy will help. 

AS NILES SITS BACK DOWN ON THE COUCH MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM AND SITS ON HIS CHAIR 

MARTIN 

What image? 

NILES 

You with a perm on your motorbike during your midlife crisis. 

MARTIN 

It wasn't a crisis. I was experimenting. 

NILES 

Of course you were. Experimenting putting your fork in the toaster by the look of those curls. You looked like Shirley Temple on crack. 

MARTIN 

You watch out buddy, it'll hit you next. You're the right age. 

DAPHNE 

Hardly. 

NILES 

Thank you Daphne. 

DAPHNE STANDS BEHIND THE COUCH AND STROKES NILES' HEAD 

DAPHNE 

He hasn't really got that much hair left to try and perm it. I think his experimenting might stop at using a none brand name moisturiser and nail file. 

FRASIER ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR LOOKING GLUM 

FRASIER 

Hello all. 

MARTIN 

You look miserable. 

NILES 

Are you surprised? There's nothing wrong with my hairline, I've just been wearing it short lately because I felt like a change, that doesn't mean I'm having a midlife crisis or going bald. If anyone should be worrying about their hair, it's Frasier. 

MARTIN 

I was talking to Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Lilith phoned me at the station. 

DAPHNE CONTINUES TO TIDY BEFORE GOING INTO THE BATHROOM 

DAPHNE 

No wonder you're miserable. People have been driven to drink for less and I might follow them. 

DAPHNE COMES BACK INTO THE ROOM AND MARCHES TOWARDS MARTIN 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Is it so hard for you to put the toilet seat down old man? 

MARTIN 

Oh quit complaining. 

DAPHNE 

Do you have any idea how annoying it is? 

MARTIN 

Do you have any idea how annoying your nagging is? Anyway you're out numbered by men here, three to one in this apartment and we want it up. 

DAPHNE 

Its not three to one Niles doesn't live here. 

MARTIN 

I was talking about Eddie. 

DAPHNE 

He doesn't use it. 

MARTIN 

He drinks from it. 

DAPHNE 

And will you stop him from doing that as well it's disgusting. He licks the toilet clean and then tries to lick my face. 

NILES 

That's going to make me think twice in future before kissing your cheek. 

MARTIN GETS UP AND STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS HIS ROOM 

MARTIN 

Nag, nag, nag, nag! 

MARTIN EXITS TOWARDS HIS ROOM AS DAPHNE FOLLOWS HIM 

DAPHNE 

Don't you walk away from me old man I'm not through! 

AS DAPHNE EXITS FRASIER AND NILES STARE AFTER THEM 

FRASIER 

What's wrong with the odd couple? 

NILES 

I'm not sure they have been fighting a lot lately. What did Lilith want? 

FRASIER 

Freddie's coming to stay for a few days. 

NILES 

That's great news. 

FRASIER 

Not exactly Niles. He's been suspended from school. 

NILES 

What for? 

FRASIER 

Setting off the fire alarm. But that's just the straw that broke the donkey's back he's been acting up a lot recently. He let all the monkeys in her lab out, switched Lilith's hair dye with motor oil, and his room looks like a war zone. Lilith can't get to the bottom of what's wrong with him so she's sending him here for me to try to sort out. 

NILES 

You're joking. 

FRASIER 

How can I lecture him on this after we did exactly the same thing when we were at school? 

NILES 

We never freed any monkeys. I knocked over the ant farm once. 

FRASIER 

I mean setting off the fire alarm. 

NILES 

We? You did it. I was standing guard at the door. 

FRASIER 

Whether you like it or not, we both did it Niles. 

NILES 

Wait a second don't you find it worrying that Lilith is sending him here as punishment. 

FRASIER 

No she isn't. 

NILES 

That's what it sounds like. 

FRASIER 

And it sounds like you don't know the difference between standing guard and having the idea and forcing me to do it. 

AS FRASIER GETS UP TO POUR HIMSELF A DRINK WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. AIRPORT GATE AREA — AFTERNOON — DAY/2   
(Niles, Frasier, Freddie) 

FRASIER AND NILES STAND OUTSIDE ONE OF THE GATES IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BUSY AIRPORT 

NILES 

Do you think I'm loosing my hair? 

FRASIER 

(IMMEDIATELY) Yes. 

NILES 

Don't answer straightaway think about. Take your time. 

FRASIER 

I don't need to think about. It's thinner then Daphne's red wine sauce. How long will it be before you're wearing something pulled from a pool drain on your head? 

NILES GLARES AT FRASIER 

NILES 

So what are you going to say to him? 

FRASIER 

What did Dad say to us? 

NILES 

He didn't, we flatly denied it until thirty years later when he found out gave us the silent treatment for a couple of hours and then spilt beer on your couch and put spaghetti in your shoes. 

FRASIER 

You know you're such a help Niles I don't know what I'd do without you. 

NILES 

You'd have had to have taken part in that sports day to start with. That wouldn't have done much for your reputation considering how you run. It wasn't as if you weren't made enough fun of with your haircut. 

FRASIER 

I just don't know how I'm going to be able to lecture him on it when I've done the same thing myself. I'm just going to sound too hypocritical. 

NILES 

Finally you're admitting it was a lone act of vandalism. 

FRASIER 

It wasn't a lone act and it positively was not vandalism. 

NILES 

Yes it was you broke the glass with the corner of my valise. 

FRASIER 

You have to do that to press the button. 

NILES 

Does Freddie actually know that you... 

FRASIER 

We. 

NILES 

Did this? 

FRASIER 

Actually no he doesn't. In that case we... 

NILES 

You. 

THE GATE OPENS AND A LONG LINE OF PASSENGERS ENTER FROM IT INCLUDING FREDDIE

FRASIER 

Shut up, we're in the clear. Oh look here he comes. Don't ask him if you're loosing your hair you'll only scare him. Hello Freddie. 

FREDDIE 

Hi Dad. Hello Uncle Niles. 

NILES 

Hello Freddie. 

FRASIER 

God it's good to see you. Come here and give your old man a hug. 

FRASIER OPENS UP HIS ARMS TO HUG HIM, FREDDIE DOES NOT LOOK IMPRESSED 

FREDDIE 

Not now there are people around. 

FRASIER 

They're strangers. 

FREDDIE 

We'll be the strange one's if we start hugging here. 

FRASIER 

Fair enough, although I don't know why you deserve such loving treatment considering what you've done. Have you got some sort of explanation for me young man? 

FREDDIE 

Dad you can't tell me off for this, you did the same thing. 

FREDDIE STARTS TO WALK OFF TOWARDS THE EXIT AS FRASIER AND NILES STARE AFTER HIM 

FRASIER 

(SHOUTS) I'll have you know young man that it was both of us. 

NILES 

You pushed the button. 

FRASIER 

Oh shut up Niles. 

AS FRASIER AND NILES FOLLOW FREDDIE TO THE EXIT WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

TITLE CARD: "I'M JUST A TEENAGE DIRTBAG BABY" 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/2   
(Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Freddie, Niles) 

DAPHNE AND MARTIN STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LIVING ROOM IN MID ARGUMENT 

DAPHNE 

It drives me up the wall! 

MARTIN 

How is this my problem? 

DAPHNE 

You're the one that keeps doing it. Is it so hard to just put the seat down? It's not as if I'm asking you to split the atom every time you use it. 

MARTIN 

I should ask you the same question. 

DAPHNE 

I always put the seat down. 

MARTIN 

Then why do I have to do it if you always do it? 

DAPHNE 

How about a little common courtesy? And why can't you put your beer cans in the bin? There are no garbage monsters waiting to nibble on your fingers if you put your hand in there. 

MARTIN 

Because I want to recycle them. 

DAPHNE 

Then can't you collect them together? 

MARTIN 

I have. 

DAPHNE 

But I mean into some sort of bag not in a pyramid on the coffee table for Eddie to knock over. 

MARTIN 

I don't know what you're problem is but you've been a real pill lately. 

DAPHNE 

I can tell you what my problem is, he's developing a lard arse because he spends all day sitting in his chair drinking. 

FRASIER, NILES AND FREDDIE ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

FRASIER 

Do you two mind? Can you finish World War Three another time please Freddie is here. 

MARTIN 

Hiya Freddie, how was your flight? 

FREDDIE 

Long. 

DAPHNE 

So how have you been? 

FREDDIE SLUMPS DOWN ON THE COUCH 

FREDDIE 

I've been sent here as punishment, how do you think I am? 

NILES 

I told you it was punishment. 

FREDDIE TURNS THE TELEVISION ON 

FRASIER 

Shut up. This is not punishment but I do want to know what is wrong with you lately. Err no television thank you very much. 

FRASIER SWITCHES THE TELEVISION OFF 

FREDDIE 

No way! You said I wasn't sent here as punishment. 

FRASIER 

And that's correct, that doesn't mean I can't punish you though. And that'll begin with no telephone, no computer games and no television. 

FREDDIE 

Can I at least have a stick to play with or is that too much of a privilege for a devil child like me to have? 

FRASIER 

To start with young man you can go straight to your room, unpack and stay there until you learn to change that tone. 

FREDDIE PICKS UP HIS BAG AND STOMPS OFF TOWARDS FRASIER'S ROOM 

NILES 

Hasn't he grown into a lovely young man? 

MARTIN 

He's grown into a tiny Lilith. All he needs is to loose all skin pigmentation and grow his hair into a bun. 

DAPHNE 

I thought I was getting a migraine, Freddie's developed her powers of mind control. 

MARTIN 

It's surprising I don't have one thanks to your nagging. 

DAPHNE 

Well if you didn't... 

FRASIER 

Do you two mind? I have enough problems at the moment without you two going after one another. If you want to fight go down to the street where the Police can break it up. 

MARTIN 

Fine I'll be in my room duct taping my toilet seat up. 

MARTIN EXITS TOWARDS HIS ROOM 

DAPHNE 

While you're at it try sticking your head down it and flush it. 

DAPHNE EXITS TOWARDS HER ROOM 

FRASIER 

I wonder what's wrong. 

NILES 

I know, I've never heard them speak to one another like this. I have fears about arriving one day to find that one has set the other one on fire. 

FRASIER 

I was talking about Freddie. I've got to find some way to get him to tell me what's wrong with him. 

NILES 

Oh Frasier don't worry about it. He's a teenager this is what teenagers do. Surely you remember that age. 

FRASIER 

Niles we spent our teenage years attending dance class and chess club. Basing what I'm going to say to him on our experiences isn't going to help. It's just going to show him what girls we once were and that cheerleading outfits don't suit us. 

NILES 

Then just tell him next time he sets off the fire alarm to make sure he starts a fire to go with it. 

AS NILES EXITS TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(E) 

TITLE CARD: "SURGEON GENERAL IS MORE BELIEVABLE" 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/3   
(Roz, Daphne, Frasier, Martin, Niles, Freddie) 

MARTIN AND NILES SIT AT THE TABLE EATING BREAKFAST AS FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS

ROZ 

Okay I'm here, now are you going to tell me what it is I have to do? And keep in mind I'm not rubbing any part of you for all the money in the world. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND SLAMS A JUG OF MILK IN FRONT OF MARTIN BEFORE SITTING DOWN AT THE TABLE 

DAPHNE 

Here's your milk. 

ROZ 

Is it just me or can you actually see the tension filling the room? There's almost a black haze coming over the horizon. 

FRASIER 

Dad and Daphne are currently having a standoff. 

MARTIN 

(TO NILES) Can you ask your fiancée to pass me the butter please? 

NILES 

Why don't you ask her yourself? 

MARTIN 

Because I don't want to, Niles just pass me the butter. 

DAPHNE 

Don't you dare, if that lard arse wants something he can bloody well get it himself. 

MARTIN 

Are you going to take orders from a woman? 

NILES 

I always have done in the past. 

MARTIN 

Whipped. 

DAPHNE 

Don't you talk to him like that! 

NILES 

I think I'm going to go and have breakfast down by the docks with fifty-dollar bills sticking out from all my pockets. It might be less dangerous. At the worst they'll take my kidneys. 

FRASIER 

Can I get you a coffee Roz? Maybe even a bulletproof vest and a stun gun to join in this war? 

ROZ SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH 

ROZ 

Just a coffee thank you. So what did you want me for? 

FRASIER 

I want you to have a talk with Freddie. 

ROZ 

What kind of talk? The birds and the bees are really your department although I understand if it's been so long you've forgotten the basics. 

NILES 

We want you to scare him stupid. 

ROZ 

And how exactly do I achieve that? Tell him ghost stories? Or just dating stories about you? Your sex life is enough to scare any child, let alone your son. 

FRASIER 

I want you to talk about yourself. 

ROZ 

Why? 

NILES 

We told you we want to scare him stupid. 

ROZ 

Then why don't you run in front of him? 

FRASIER 

Just tell him what kind of things you got up to in school. 

ROZ 

Why would that scare him? 

FRASIER 

Well he'll hear what you were like then, see what you're like now, put two and two together and be put on the path of the straight and narrow. 

ROZ 

(OBVIOUSLY OFFENDED) Why don't you just right out and offend me? 

NILES 

Okay if you insist. Seeing how you've turned out will make him see the error of his ways. 

ROZ 

Come here and say that. 

NILES 

I'd rather stay over here thanks where it's safe. 

DAPHNE SLAMS HER COFFEE CUP DOWN 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Well where it's safer. 

ROZ 

I don't have to sit here and take this. 

FRASIER 

Roz you misunderstand. 

ROZ 

I'm a pioneer. I'm the first award winning radio producer in KACL history. There should be statues of me in the lobby. 

FRASIER 

Roz what I mean is Freddie knows all of our school stories except yours. Make some wild stories up and tell him how they ended your dream of being the first female President. 

ROZ 

And Freddie is going to believe that I wanted to be President? 

FREDDIE ENTERS FROM FRASIER'S BEDROOM 

FRASIER 

It's worth a try. Shhhh he's coming. Good morning Frederick. 

FREDDIE 

Hello. Can I have breakfast or am I on a bread and water diet? 

FRASIER 

Change your tone and maybe. 

FREDDIE 

(SARCASTIC) I'm sorry daddy can I have some breakfast please? 

FRASIER 

Bread and water it is. Niles, Dad, Daphne come and help me while Roz has a chat with Freddie. 

FRASIER, MARTIN, NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN AS FREDDIE SITS NEXT TO ROZ ON THE COUCH 

FREDDIE 

You want to talk to me? Aren't I a little young for you? 

ROZ 

Hey I'm not your mother so drop the attitude. Your Dad is really worried about you. He wants me to have a little chat with you. Now when I was your age I did some pretty wild things at school... 

FREDDIE 

Roz I don't want to be rude but don't bother. I overheard Dad on the phone to Mom last night telling her what he wanted you to do. 

ROZ 

Is there any chance you'll pretend I helped? 

FREDDIE 

Sure. 

ROZ 

So why did you do it? Over a girl? 

FREDDIE 

No. 

ROZ 

But I bet it attracted the girls didn't it? 

FREDDIE 

I'm the new school bad boy. 

ROZ 

Well then congratulations. Don't tell your father I said that. 

FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

Is everything all right in here? 

FREDDIE 

Sure, can I have my breakfast now? 

FRASIER 

It's on the counter. 

FREDDIE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN AS FRASIER WATCHES HIM GO BEFORE APPROACHING ROZ 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Well what happened? 

ROZ 

I think Freddie has seen the light. You know I've really missed my calling. I should have been a psychiatrist. 

NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Then you could bring me coffee and rub me. 

NILES 

I don't want that explained. 

FRASIER 

It really worked? 

ROZ 

(OBVIOUSLY LYING) Yeah sure, I'm a miracle worker. 

NILES 

He overheard Frasier talking to Lilith last night didn't he? 

ROZ 

Yes. 

FREDDIE 

(OFF STAGE) Dad! 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE STANDS BY THE SINK HOLDING A WHISK IN A THREATENING MANNER TOWARDS MARTIN WHILE HE GRASPS HIS CANE BY THE DOOR WITH FREDDIE TAKING COVER AROUND THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ISLAND 

DAPHNE 

I'm warning you old man. 

FRASIER, ROZ AND NILES ENTER WITH NILES IMMEDIATELY GOING TO DAPHNE, FRASIER STANDING BETWEEN THEM AND ROZ STANDING BY THE DOOR 

FRASIER 

Will you two both stop it! Two dogs sharing a lamb chop would not fight as much as you two! 

MARTIN 

I'm not doing anything, she's the one with the weapon. 

DAPHNE 

Me? You've got a bloody great big club in your hand. 

MARTIN 

I need it to walk. 

NILES 

Both of you put your weapons down. 

DAPHNE 

It's a whisk I'm cooking. 

MARTIN 

And that makes what difference? Your cooking is more dangerous then anything else in this kitchen. 

DAPHNE LUNGES TOWARDS MARTIN BUT NILES MANAGES TO GRAB HER FIRST 

FRASIER 

All right that's enough. Daphne put your whisk down. 

DAPHNE 

Then move his cane. 

FRASIER MOVES MARTIN'S CANE AWAY FROM HIM 

MARTIN 

How am I supposed to get back in the living room? 

DAPHNE 

I'll kick you back in there. 

NILES 

Daphne put your whisk down. 

DAPHNE PUTS THE WHISK ON THE FLOOR 

MARTIN 

Get her to kick it over here. 

FRASIER 

No one is kicking any of my kitchen utensils. 

NILES 

How about I just pick it up? 

NILES PICKS UP THE WHISK AND PUTS IT ON THE ISLAND 

FRASIER 

Now what is the matter with the lot of you? And I include you Freddie in that. 

MARTIN 

Nothing. I can't do anything without being screamed at. 

FRASIER 

And how about you two? 

DAPHNE 

Nothing. 

FREDDIE 

Nothing. 

ROZ 

I love playing happy families at your place Frasier. 

AS THEY ALL START TO EXIT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/3   
(Frasier, Niles, Roz) 

FRASIER AND NILES SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA WITH FRASIER BURYING HIS HEAD IN A PILE OF BOOKS AND JOURNALS AS NILES HANGS A SPOON OVER HIS HEAD 

FRASIER 

There has got to be something I'm missing. Maybe getting him an appointment with a child psychologist might be beneficial. What do you think Niles? Niles? Niles! 

NILES 

What? 

FRASIER 

Will you put the spoon down? What are you doing? 

NILES 

It's comforting. I like the way it feels in my hand. Oooh steel. 

FRASIER 

You like the feel of a spoon in your hand? 

NILES 

It's my fetish let me enjoy it. 

FRASIER 

Then why are you lifting it above your head? 

NILES 

It's a light form of weight training. I'm trying to buff up. 

FRASIER 

You're exercising with a spoon? 

NILES 

It's not as crazy as it sounds. Body builders do it all the time. Granted they might be arthritic pigmy size body builders but that's not what is important. 

FRASIER 

You're trying to see that bald spot on your head aren't you? 

NILES 

(FRANTIC) Bald spot? Where? I can't see it. 

FRASIER 

I knew it. Stop trying to look at your hair. 

NILES 

Where is it? How big is it? Solar panel big? 

FRASIER 

Niles I'm joking. Now put the spoon down and help me. 

NILES 

What makes you think the answers to Freddie's problems are going to be found in there? 

FRASIER 

Because I've exhausted every other avenue. 

NILES 

Have you ever thought it could do with something in his early childhood? 

FRASIER 

What like? 

NILES 

Making him crawl through a maze as a baby to get to his bottle? 

FRASIER 

Lilith did that, I had nothing to do with it. 

NILES 

Nothing? 

FRASIER 

All right I was standing guard at the door in case one of the lab assistance came back. 

NILES 

It seems to me you don't know the difference between standing guard at the door and having the idea and putting him in the maze. 

FRASIER 

Oh shut up and help me. 

NILES PICKS UP THE COFFEE LIST 

NILES 

I am helping. 

FRASIER 

Help by reading. 

NILES 

They have a strawberry flavoured coffee? 

FRASIER 

The psychiatric journals not the menu. 

NILES 

Technically it's not a menu. 

FRASIER 

Shut up. 

NILES 

This may sound slightly stupid but have you actually sat down and talked to him about it? 

FRASIER 

You're right it does sound stupid. Of course I've spoken to him about it. All I get from him is attitude before he goes and sulks in my room. Not that I can blame him with Dad and Daphne going at it all the time. 

NILES 

Daphne keeps blaming Dad and Dad keeps blaming Daphne. I don't know who to believe. 

ROZ ENTERS AND STANDS BEHIND NILES 

ROZ 

Niles what's wrong with your hair? 

NILES 

What? Oh my God! Get out of my way. 

NILES JUMPS OUT OF HIS SEAT AND SPRINTS TO THE BATHROOM 

ROZ 

What's his problem? He'd got a feather on top of it from somewhere. 

AS ROZ SITS DOWN IN NILES' NOW VACATED CHAIR WE: 

FADE OUT 

(G) 

TITLE CARD: "KEEPING A LID ON THINGS" 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/3   
(Daphne, Freddie, Frasier, Niles, Martin) 

FREDDIE SITS ON THE COUCH WATCHING THE TELEVISION WITH HIS FEET ON THE COFFEE TABLE AS DAPHNE POTTERS ABOUT BEHIND HIM 

DAPHNE 

You better not let your father catch you doing that. I'm not taking the blame for you the way you've been speaking to everyone. Where that nice little boy I was going to marry went to I don't know. 

FREDDIE 

He went away. 

DAPHNE 

Well I wish he'd come back. 

DAPHNE OPENS THE BATHROOM DOOR 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

I don't believe it! Every single time! What is wrong with that man? 

FREDDIE 

What's the matter? 

DAPHNE 

Nothing. That's it I've had enough. 

DAPHNE GOES TO THE DESK BY THE KITCHEN AND GETS A TUBE OF GLUE FROM THE DRAWER BEFORE GOING BACK TO THE BATHROOM AND STARTS TO PUT IT ON THE UNDERSIDE OF THE TOILET SEAT 

FREDDIE 

What are you doing? You're glueing the toilet seat down? Don't you think that's a little... 

DAPHNE 

Over the top? 

FREDDIE 

I was going to say completely and utterly insane. 

DAPHNE 

Never you mind what I'm doing. 

FREDDIE 

Okay but you'd better not let my father catch you doing that. I'm not going to take the blame for you the way you've been speaking to Grandpa. 

DAPHNE PUTS THE SEAT DOWN BEFORE PUTTING THE GLUE BACK IN THE DRAWER 

DAPHNE 

You get more like your father everyday, something that I'm sure Lilith will be thrilled to bits about. 

FREDDIE 

What have you done it for? 

DAPHNE 

I haven't done anything, now hop it and watch the television. 

FRASIER AND NILES ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR CAUSING DAPHNE TO JUMP 

FRASIER 

Hello Freddie. 

FREDDIE 

Oh Dad Daphne had... 

DAPHNE 

The television on, I forgot he wasn't allowed to watch it. 

FRASIER 

That doesn't matter. 

DAPHNE 

You can finish off the ice cream after dinner. 

DAPHNE GLARES AT FREDDIE AS HE CHEEKILY SMILES BACK 

FRASIER 

Freddie I'd like to have a talk with you please. 

FREDDIE 

Another one? Haven't you talked enough? 

FRASIER 

No I haven't and just for that I'm going to make it even longer. 

NILES 

Oh Daphne how about you show me that thing in the kitchen. 

DAPHNE 

What a good idea. 

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN 

FREDDIE 

That was subtle. 

FRASIER 

Freddie what is going on? 

MARTIN ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND SEEING THE CONVERSATION TAKING PLACE QUIETLY HANGS HIS COAT UP 

FREDDIE 

I told you nothing. 

FRASIER 

And you expect me to believe that? Something is obvious bothering you and causing you to act up like this. 

MARTIN QUIETLY EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM SHUTTING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM 

FREDDIE 

Dad you can't try to play the overprotective, concerned parent when I haven't seen you for over three months. It just doesn't work. 

FRASIER 

Freddie, I... 

MARTIN 

(OFF STAGE) Frasier! Frasier! Get in here! 

FRASIER 

Where are you? 

MARTIN 

(OFF STAGE) I'm in the bathroom. 

FRASIER 

I'm not sure I really want to. 

MARTIN 

Just get in here. 

FRASIER 

Are you wearing pants? 

MARTIN 

Of course I'm wearing pants. 

FRASIER AND FREDDIE GET UP AND EXIT INTO THE BATHROOM 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S BATHROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN IS STANDING IN FRONT OF THE TOILET WITH HIS HAND TOUCHING THE UNDER SIDE OF THE SEAT AS FRASIER AND FREDDIE ENTER

FRASIER 

What's the matter? 

MARTIN 

It's stuck. 

FRASIER 

Oh dear God Dad! As much as I want to help you I also want to be able to look you in the face again. 

MARTIN 

Get your mind out of the gutter; I'm talking about my hand. It's stuck to the toilet seat. 

FRASIER BENDS DOWN AND EXAMINES THE SEAT 

FRASIER 

It's covered in glue. Freddie what have you done? 

FREDDIE 

I haven't done anything. 

NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER

NILES 

What's going on? 

FRASIER 

Dad's glued to the toilet seat. 

DAPHNE 

Uh-oh. 

MARTIN 

Wait a second you did this? 

DAPHNE 

I didn't mean to. 

MARTIN 

What the glue just happened to leap out of the tube and land on the toilet seat? 

DAPHNE 

No I didn't mean for you to stick to it. I just meant to stick it down so you couldn't leave it up any more. Use some nail polish remover that usually works. I'll go and heat up some water. 

DAPHNE QUICKLY EXITS BEFORE FREDDIE FOLLOWS HER 

FRASIER 

Hold on Dad I'll get you off there. 

MARTIN 

I'm just thankful I never sat down. 

FRASIER 

I think we're all thankful for that. 

NILES TURNS HIS ATTENTION AWAY FROM MARTIN AND STARTS TO LOOK AT HIS HAIR IN THE MIRROR 

NILES 

Maybe if I comb it differently it will look thicker. 

FRASIER 

What are you talking about? 

NILES 

I should start to grow it longer again. 

FRASIER 

Niles, our father is glued to a toilet seat by your fiancée and all you're concerned about is your hair? 

NILES 

No I'm concerned about where she'll put the glue if I upset her. I do have that civil war ramrod lying around my apartment you know. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FREDDIE ENTERS AS DAPHNE WAITS FOR THE TAP WATER TO HEAT UP 

FREDDIE 

Daphne what's the matter? 

DAPHNE 

Nothing. 

FREDDIE 

Daphne you don't glue old men to toilet seats over nothing. 

DAPHNE 

Why should I tell you when you won't tell me? 

FREDDIE 

You tell me then I'll tell you. 

DAPHNE 

Honest? 

FREDDIE 

Yes. 

DAPHNE 

Oh all right, what harm can it do? Your uncle asked me to move in with him. 

FREDDIE 

And? 

DAPHNE 

It just took me by surprise. I thought we were going to wait until after the wedding. I'd set a date for when I was leaving and I've been working towards it. I'm going to miss you father and your Grandfather so much I guess I was just trying to create as much distance between us as possible so that I wouldn't miss them as much. And yelling at him every five minutes has been helping so far. 

FREDDIE 

It sounds to me like separation anxiety. 

DAPHNE 

Excuse me? 

FREDDIE 

Oh come on, you do know who my parents are don't you? In preschool I was the only kid there who when we played doctors and nurses with our teddy bears used to diagnose them with advanced schizophrenia with paranoid tendencies. 

DAPHNE 

Fair enough. 

FREDDIE 

But won't that bring you closer to Grandpa? You're going to be his daughter-in-law. That doesn't mean you're never going to see him again. 

DAPHNE 

Knowing that and registering that fact are two different things. All right Mr. Smarty pants what's been going on with you? 

FREDDIE 

It's embarrassing. 

DAPHNE 

So was mine. 

FREDDIE 

You're getting married. 

DAPHNE 

What? 

FREDDIE 

You're getting married and your going to leave, just like everyone else. 

DAPHNE 

Like who? 

FREDDIE 

Dad left me. I hardly see him at all. Then Brian left after he promised he wouldn't. He now lives with mom's contractor and buys unusual shaped teapots. And now you're leaving. What is it about me that people don't want to be around? No one wanted to be around the old me so I don't see the problem with no one wanting to be around the new me. 

DAPHNE 

Freddie none of that has anything to do with you. Your Mom and Dad didn't love each other any more that had nothing to do with you. They both love you more then anything. And I'm sure Brian feels the same way. I'm not leaving you. I'm marrying your uncle. I'm going to be your auntie, although if you ever call me that I'll kill you. Isn't that going to bring us closer? We're going to be family. (THEN) You know what I think we've both had the same problem. 

FREDDIE 

Are we still going to see each other as much? 

DAPHNE 

Of course you will, I'll be with Niles and you see a lot of him now don't you? It'll even mean that you can come and stop with us every now and then when you come and visit. 

FREDDIE 

Thank you Daphne. 

THEY HUG BEFORE DAPHNE FILLS A BOWL UP WITH WARM WATER 

DAPHNE 

Nope, thank you Freddie. We'd best help get your Grandfather off the toilet seat. Oh wait. Will you do me a favour and help let your father work all this out. I can't cope with his pouting that he's been out psycho babbled by me. 

FREDDIE 

Yeah but what's worse, him pouting or thinking he's God's gift to psychiatry? 

DAPHNE 

Good point. Just behave yourself and let your mother work it out. 

AS DAPHNE AND FREDDIE EXIT INTO THE LIVING ROOM WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: MARTIN IS STILL STUCK TO THE TOILET SEAT AS FRASIER TRIES TO GET HIM OFF BY APPLYING NAIL VARNISH REMOVER. EVENTUALLY MARTIN MANAGES TO PULL HIS HAND FREE. DAPHNE ONCE AGAIN APOLOGISES TO HIM AS HE LEAVES THE BATHROOM. FRASIER STANDS UP AND GOES TO LEAVE EXCEPT IN THE PROCESS OF REMOVING MARTIN HE HIMSELF SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN GLUED TO THE SEAT. HE LOOKS TO DAPHNE FOR HELP WHO STARTS TO TRY TO PRY HIM OFF. 


	15. Episode Fifteen

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_Here's my latest effort. I'd love to know what you think, especially if you know the meaning of life or why we never seem to see baby pigeons. If you know the answers please send them to kelly_simba@hotmail.com. Oh feedback would be nice as well. _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Nine Episode Fifteen   
Dr. Crane Destroys His Dream House 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: "RAIN DROPS KEEP FALLING ON MY HEAD..." 

FADE IN: 

INT. NILES' OFFICE — AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Niles, Patient, Mrs. Woodson) 

NILES SITS ON THE EDGE OF HIS DESK LEANING TOWARDS A FEMALE PATIENT THAT IS SITTING ON HIS COUCH LOOKING RATHER NERVOUS 

NILES 

Okay now the important thing is that you trust me. 

PATIENT 

I want to but after my surgery and resulting hair implants from my last therapist I'm a little concerned about trusting anyone. But don't take it personally I'm like it with everyone. I'm even wary of my budgie these days. I feel as if I'll wake up one morning impaled by his beak. He has that real shifty look about him you know. And I don't mean to be rude or offend you Dr. Crane but when you sit on your desk like that you leer a little. And I don't mean that in a good way. It's very back alley kind of seedy. 

NILES SITS BACK A LITTLE FURTHER WITH ONE HAND ON HIS HIP 

NILES 

I'm sorry. Is this better? 

PATIENT 

A little effeminate but better. 

A LITTLE FLUSTERED AND ALARMED NILES STANDS AND STARTS TO PACE THE ROOM WHILE TALKING AND PUFFING HIS CHEST OUT TRYING TO LOOK MORE MANLY 

NILES 

I know what you've been through and I understand that some therapist's philosophies about psychiatry is basically trying to sleep with young woman while they are vulnerable and high on medication but that doesn't apply to me. Now anything you say here will never leave this room. I'm the only one here. 

MRS. WOODSON ENTERS INTO THE ROOM SUDDENLY 

MRS. WOODSON 

Ooh Dr. Crane before you start can I ask you a question? 

NILES 

Sure Mrs. Woodson drink the drain cleaner. 

MRS. WOODSON 

No Dr. Crane that's not it. 

NILES 

Mrs. Woodson I'm in a session. Have you not noticed the person sitting on the couch frowning at you and twitching violently? 

MRS. WOODSON 

I won't be a minute. Can you get your brother to sign this photo for my sister? She's just had liposuction surgery and I think it will help her recover more then buying her a tub of ice cream and a pair of sweat pants. 

NILES 

Mrs. Woodson I'm in a session! 

MRS. WOODSON 

Maybe later then. 

MRS. WOODSON EXITS APOLOGISING AS SHE GOES 

NILES 

I'm sorry about that. I want you to be perfectly comfortable with me. I also feel the need to reassure you that the doctor that you've no doubt seen on the front of the newspapers is an extremely rare case. To begin with he wasn't even a real doctor. The fact that he insisted on taking everyone's temperature with his finger at the beginning of every session should have tipped his patients off. And none of my exercises involve squirrels or in fact any tiny animals covered in lubricant at all. Now I can't promise you that I can make the pain disappear instantly at least not without strong drugs and an electric current but that's only a last resort. What I can tell you is that these feelings can and will disappear over time even though the memory of being the sole survivor of a ship wreak may be with you forever. But I can get you to the stage where the memories no longer plague you. Now your fear of water, is it restricted to large masses of water or just the sight of water in general? 

PATIENT 

Just the sight of water. It's got so bad that I've even started fainting when I try to brush my teeth in the morning. Yesterday I cried and that made me hyperventilate. 

NILES 

I can promise you that until you're ready there won't be a drop of water in this office. 

SUDDENLY A GREAT DOWNPOUR OF WATER COMES THROUGH THE CEILING, FLOODING ALL THE ROOM NOT TO MENTION COMPLETELY SOAKING NILES AND HIS PATIENT WHO STARTS TO SCREAM UNCONTROLLABLY AS NILES RUNS TO HER AND TRIES TO COMFORT HER. AS MRS. WOODSON ENTERS INTO THE ROOM TO SEE WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

TITLE CARD: "WELL HE IS A QUACK" 

FADE IN: 

INT. NILES' OFFICE — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Mrs. Woodson, Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Roz, Martin) 

NILES STANDS IN THE DOORWAY TO HIS OFFICE STILL COMPLETELY SOAKED TO THE SKIN LOOKING AT THE MESS. HIS OFFICE HAS A LAYER OF WATER COVERING THE FLOOR WHILE EVERYTHING ELSE IS COVERED IN WATER. MRS. WOODSON ENTERS BEHIND HIM CARRYING A PAIR OF RUBBER RAIN BOOTS THAT HAVE DUCK FACES ON THEM 

MRS. WOODSON 

Dr. Crane I managed to find you these. 

NILES STARES AT THE BOOTS FOR A MOMENT 

NILES 

They're cross-eyed psychedelic ducks Mrs. Woodson. 

MRS. WOODSON 

But aren't they pretty. 

NILES 

But I'm a psychiatrist and you want me to wear children's boots. 

MRS. WOODSON 

It's either the ducks or these. 

MRS. WOODSON PRODUCES A PAIR OF SCUBA DIVING FLIPPERS FROM BEHIND HER BACK 

NILES 

Fine ducks it is. 

NILES LEANS UP HIS DOOR FRAME AND TAKES HIS SHOES OFF. HE TURNS THEM UPSIDE DOWN ONE AT A TIME AND A STREAM OF WATER COMES OUT OF THEM. HE THEN TAKES OFF HIS SOCKS AND RINGS THE WATER OUT OF THEM. HE THEN PUTS THE BOOTS ON AND WALKS INTO HIS OFFICE. EACH STEP THAT HE TAKES MAKES THE DUCKS MAKE A QUACKING NOISE WHEN HE PUTS HIS FOOT DOWN. WHEN NILES REALISES THAT THE NOISE IS COMING FROM THEM HE COMES TO A STAND STILL 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Perfect. 

NILES CONTINUES TO WALK AND THE DUCKS CONTINUE TO QUACK 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Oh shut up! I don't believe this. This water is disgusting. I can practically feel the bacteria breeding around my ankles. It's like a gnawing sensation. 

SFX: TELEPHONE RINGING

MRS. WOODSON 

I'll get it. 

NILES 

No it's all right I've nearly swam over there already. 

NILES PICKS UP THE PHONE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

(ON THE PHONE) Hello? Dr. Adams hello. Your ceiling is leaking? What a coincidence, so is mine. Mrs. Woodson can you talk to Dr. Adams for me please? 

MRS. WOODSON EXITS TO HER OFFICE AS DAPHNE ENTERS. SHE IS FIRSTLY A LITTLE SHOCKED BY THE DAMAGE AND THEN CAN'T HELP BUT LAUGH AT NILES' CONDITION 

DAPHNE 

Wow! I love your wellies! Aren't they just the sexist things! Can you bring those home with you to wear tonight? 

SHE CAREFULLY WALKS OVER TO HIM AND KISSES HIM 

NILES 

I was thinking of wearing them at the wedding. Do you think they'll go with my tux? 

DAPHNE 

Well they look good on that man who wonders through the park in a tux trying to milk everyone like a cow as you walk past. 

FRASIER, ROZ AND MARTIN ENTER. FRASIER IS STUNNED BY THE MESS 

FRASIER 

Oh my God! You weren't kidding. I should have invested in a pair of big rubber pants like Dad's. 

ROZ 

Add some fish, some drunken frat boys and a couple of used condoms and this could almost pass as Puget Sound. 

NILES 

Or your average night out. 

ROZ 

Bite me. (RE: HIS BOOTS) Starting a new fashion trend? Have you considered getting one of those green raincoats with the frog hood? 

NILES PICKS UP A CLOSED UMBRELLA FROM THE SIDE OF HIS DESK. HE OPENS IT UP TO REVEAL THAT IT'S BRIGHT GREEN WITH FROG EYES ON THE TOP OF IT 

MARTIN 

Isn't it unlucky to open an umbrella indoors? 

A SMALL TRICKLE OF WATER FALLS FROM THE CEILING AND HITS THE TOP OF THE UMBRELLA. DAPHNE DIVES UNDER IT TO GET OUT OF THE WAY OF THE WATER 

NILES 

You know I'm past the point of caring. 

FRASIER 

At least we now know Armani isn't waterproof. 

DAPHNE 

How did this happen? A burst pipe? 

NILES 

Dr. Umit upstairs is very much into the notion of healing with humour. For a while I managed to ignore the fact that he'd bought an inflatable bouncing castle for his patients to jump on right above my head until he decided to fill it with water to give it that water bed quality and then let his extremely obsessive over eaters jump up and down on it. 

MARTIN 

I take it it burst. 

NILES 

Not to begin with no. From what I can make out from the various hysterical stories I've been told, one of his patients slipped while jumping up and down trying to reach imaginary pieces of chocolate cake in a resisting temptation exercise on the ceiling and crashed into Dr. Umit's aquarium. 

FRASIER 

And that's where the water came from? 

NILES 

Not right away. As the aquarium fell over the lighting system came crashing to the ground making a spark and setting a pile of paper work on fire. Ironically it was the file on an arsonist he's been treating in prison. Inevitably Dr. Umit and one of his slimmer patients that could fit through the door frame on the first attempt ran to get some water, filling several plant pots up and throwing it on the flames. 

DAPHNE 

And that's when the water came through the ceiling? 

NILES 

Not quite. All seemed to be coming under control until one of the now homeless fish taking one of it's last breathes touched the foot of one of Dr. Umit's patients who as it turns out not only has an over eating problem but also a major fear of fish. This caused her to shriek uncontrollably, fall backwards on to the bouncing castle and bursting it on an unfortunately placed piece of spiky coral causing all of the water to come crashing through the ceiling. 

ROZ 

How are you still alive? 

FRASIER 

So what do you want us to do? 

DAPHNE 

I've brought something to help clean up the water. 

DAPHNE PRODUCES A SMALL WASH CLOTH FROM HER POCKET 

MARTIN 

Daphne that's a handkerchief. 

ROZ 

That's not even a handkerchief. That's some sort of cloth eye patch. 

FRASIER 

Couldn't you have brought some spoons we could have bailed the water out the window with? 

DAPHNE 

Well Niles said he had a leak in his office not a monsoon. 

NILES 

I think the most important thing is just box up all my paper work so I can take it home and attempt to dry it. Maintenance will clear up the rest of the mess. 

MARTIN 

How do you dry all this paper? 

NILES 

One thing for certain you don't try to do it with a hairdryer. 

NILES HOLDS UP A FILE OF PAPER THAT IS BURNT AROUND THE EDGES 

MRS. WOODSON 

(OFF STAGE) I said I was sorry. 

THEY ALL SET ABOUT COLLECTING TOGETHER HIS PAPER WORK AND BOOKS AND PUT IT IN SOME BOXES THAT ARE PILED BY NILES' DESK 

ROZ 

(RE: STATUE ON BOOKCASE) Who is this and how has something so ugly survived this disaster? Don't you understand that disasters like these are a good way to break all your crap that you've been given and don't like? 

FRASIER 

You told me you'd stopped doing that! 

ROZ 

And I have. 

FRASIER 

That Roz would be Carl Jung. 

MARTIN 

Wait a second you have a photo of Daphne, a photo of Frasier and a statue of some dead guy in your office but not one of me and Eddie? 

FRASIER 

To be fair Eddie has never been exactly photogenic. There's always a glare on the photo from where the flash hits that green gunk in the corner of his eyes. 

NILES 

A photo of my fiancée and a photo of a tiny dog in an unusual hat can hardly be compared. 

MARTIN 

You've got one of Frasier in here. 

NILES 

That's a group photo at a psychiatric convention. I'm not the only one Frasier doesn't have a photo of you at work either. 

FRASIER 

That's because I share a booth. We tried it once but a photo of Gill's wife in a tight fitting leotard lying rather suggestively on the hood on his Mercedes was putting everyone off their callers and not to mention eating ever again. 

DAPHNE 

You have a photo of me in your office? That's so sweet. 

NILES 

Of course I do. 

DAPHNE PICKS UP THE PHOTO TO LOOK AT IT 

DAPHNE 

Although could you have found a freakier photo of me? When was this taken? I look like a hamster in a wig. I don't remember this I must have been as drunk as a skunk. That's enough to scare your patients then anything that could possibly be wrong with them. 

NILES 

I always thought it has a certain quality about it. 

DAPHNE 

A certain possessed quality. Why does it look as if I have a lazy eye? 

ROZ 

The rest of this ceiling isn't going to fall through is it? I don't like the way it's sagging. It looks like the old ladies at the gym. 

FRASIER 

The quicker we box up the quicker we'll be gone. Where are you holding your sessions now Niles? 

NILES 

I've found a motel room around the block. 

MARTIN 

Can't you do it at home? 

NILES 

Yes Dad because I want my patients with their nervous twitches and loose bowel tendencies in my apartment, on my antique furniture, knowing where I live. 

DAPHNE 

So you're going to be spending a lot of time alone in a sleazy motel room with a lot of strange women? 

NILES 

It's not sleazy. 

ROZ 

Do the beds vibrate if you put a quarter in the meter? 

NILES 

So I'm told. (THEN) How do you know about this kind of thing anyway? 

ROZ 

(OBVIOUSLY LYING) Just a guess. 

NILES 

Oh I'm sure. Anyway they're not strange women. 

DAPHNE 

Are they in therapy? 

NILES 

Yes. 

DAPHNE 

Then they're strange. 

NILES 

Roz is strange and she's not in therapy. 

FRASIER 

Yet. 

ROZ 

Hey! I'm not the one with my feet wedged in a couple of ducks. 

MARTIN 

I arrested a guy for that once. 

AS THEY CONTINUE TO BOX UP WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/1   
(Roz, Frasier, Martin, Daphne, Niles) 

ROZ AND FRASIER ENTER NILES' LIVING ROOM THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND PLACE TWO VERY WET LOOKING BOXES ON THE COFFEE TABLE BEFORE SITTING DOWN. THE ONLY CHANGE TO THE ROOM IS THE APPEARANCE OF A PIANO IN THE DOWNSTAGE RIGHT CORNER BY THE KITCHEN DOOR 

ROZ 

So how did your date go with Jade? 

FRASIER SMILES AT HER 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Oh my God don't tell me that stupid grin tells me everything. And that one tells me much more then I need to know. Stop pulling that face you look like the park flasher. Hummm. Actually you know he hasn't flashed me for a while. That's a little worrying. Do you think I've lost the quality that made men want to flash me in a public place? 

FRASIER 

Dear God I hope so. I never know where to look when you drag me to the mall with you at Christmas time without fear of becoming blind. It went very well thank you very much. 

ROZ 

As I said it would. 

FRASIER 

Yes as you said it would. But you must forgive me Roz for being a little wary. Your set ups have never exactly been even remotely successful before. In fact I still wake up screaming about Julia and her inability to hold a knife without lashing out with it. She nearly removed my appendix in a five star restaurant. 

ROZ 

Some people would pay good money for that. You got on well with Paula. 

FRASIER 

Yes I did until she stole from me while I was in the bathroom. 

ROZ 

She didn't steal from you. 

FRASIER 

Then it's amazing how my fertility God suddenly disappeared into thin air. 

ROZ 

Well it probably knew it was wasting its time with you and your pitiful sex life and wanted to go somewhere it would be used. 

FRASIER 

Where as it would be physically drained if it went anywhere near your bedroom. 

ROZ 

Maybe it just accidentally fell into her purse. 

FRASIER 

A two-foot statue happened to leap into a tiny purse she struggled to get her hand into to fetch her lip-gloss out of? 

ROZ 

Yes, why do you find that so hard to believe? 

FRASIER 

If only there was some clue. Anyway thank you Roz for setting me up with Jade. I'm planning to see her again next Saturday. 

ROZ 

Oh you can't see her again. 

FRASIER 

Why? 

ROZ 

Because. 

FRASIER 

Because what? 

ROZ 

Because I don't think you should. 

FRASIER 

Why? 

ROZ 

I have my reasons. 

FRASIER 

Then can you please share them with me? 

ROZ 

I'd like to, but no. 

FRASIER 

Has she said anything to you about me? 

ROZ 

Oh yeah she thinks you're great. But then she always has been a little nutty. Any woman her age who still has the habit of getting marbles stuck up her nose isn't entirely stable. 

FRASIER 

That's a little alarming but if she thinks I'm great then why can't I see her again? 

MARTIN ENTERS CARRYING A BOX 

MARTIN 

See who again? 

FRASIER 

Jade my date last night. Roz doesn't want me to see her again. 

ROZ 

Trust me Frasier, you don't want to know. 

MARTIN 

Well I do. 

ROZ LEAPS OFF THE COUCH AND WHISPERS INTO MARTIN'S EAR 

FRASIER 

Don't tell him. 

DAPHNE ENTERS ALSO CARRYING A BOX 

DAPHNE 

Don't tell him what? 

ROZ WHISPERS INTO DAPHNE'S EAR 

FRASIER 

Don't tell her. 

DAPHNE 

You're not missing much Dr. Crane. Have you ever heard the expression no news is good news? 

FRASIER 

No I don't believe I have, how does it go? And that's not the point. I'm the only one here that it concerns and the only one that doesn't know. I feel like I'm back in school with a 'kick me' sign attached to my back. 

MARTIN 

Niles doesn't know. 

NILES ENTERS CARRYING ANOTHER BOX STILL LOOKING SLIGHTLY WET 

NILES 

(ALARMED) Niles doesn't know what? What's been scratched? 

DAPHNE WHISPERS IN HIS EAR 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Ha! Never mind. 

FRASIER 

Someone tell me. 

ROZ 

You'll sleep better if you don't know. 

FRASIER 

I'm not going to sleep at all now. 

ROZ 

Where do we put these boxes? 

FRASIER 

Don't change the subject. 

NILES 

I want to keep them out of my study until I've had a chance to dry them off a bit so for now stack them behind the piano. 

FRASIER 

What about me? 

MARTIN 

You've bought a piano? 

FRASIER 

Have I suddenly gone invisible? Hello? Hello? Obviously so. In that case then I'm going home to kick Eddie and squeeze Dad's chair into the garbage disposal. 

THEY ALL WALK OVER TO THE PIANO 

NILES 

I finally took the plunge last week. Isn't it fantastic? It is by far and away the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. (THINKING, THEN TO DAPHNE) Oh well...of course...that is to say with one exception. 

ROZ 

Smooth recovery. 

DAPHNE 

It's his new pride and joy. Most men like to stay in bed on a Sunday morning until after midday when the bedroom begins to smell and they begin to stick to the sheets. Not this one. He's been up at the crack of dawn down here tickling the ivories. It's like he's having an affair with a big box of wood. 

FRASIER 

Is she seeing someone else? 

ROZ 

No it's Niles that's having an affair with a piano not Daphne. For a smart man you have trouble keeping up with a story. 

FRASIER 

I was talking about Jade. 

ROZ 

I don't think she owns a piano. 

FRASIER 

I'm talking about having an affair in general. This has nothing to do with a piano. 

ROZ 

I told you, you don't want to know. 

FRASIER 

No I do want to know that's why I asked. 

DAPHNE 

You can do without the trauma. 

FRASIER 

Don't you think I should be the judge of that? 

NILES 

Okay stack and then down to get another load. 

FRASIER 

Is anyone listening to me? 

ROZ 

Leave them here. We'll stack them and you can bring them up. 

NILES 

In other words you stay here relax and have a drink while we go up and down the elevator carrying boxes? That doesn't seem exactly fair. 

DAPHNE 

Oh but you're so much stronger then us. 

ROZ 

Have you been drinking this morning? 

DAPHNE 

And we can start to dry them while you're fetching them up here. 

NILES 

Okay. Come on Frasier. 

DAPHNE SQUEEZES PAST THE PIANO AND STACKS THE BOXES IN THE CORNER THAT ROZ PASSES ACROSS TO HER 

FRASIER 

I'm only helping if you tell me why I can't see Jade. 

NILES 

Okay, fine. 

FRASIER 

Are you lying? 

NILES 

Yes. 

NILES AND FRASIER EXIT AS DAPHNE SQUEEZES BACK FROM BEHIND THE PIANO 

MARTIN 

How exactly do we dry boxes of paper? 

ROZ 

We could attach a few sheets to a ceiling fan. 

DAPHNE 

He doesn't have one. 

MARTIN 

How about starting a fire and toasting them like marshmallows. 

ROZ 

Do you have any idea how much he'd freak if he saw us holding his files over a burning flame? 

DAPHNE 

The hairdryer idea obviously doesn't work. 

ROZ 

Put it in the toaster. 

MARTIN 

Do you think it will catch fire if we microwave it? 

DAPHNE 

There's only one way to find out. Give me a file. 

ROZ LEANS OVER THE PIANO TO REACH THE BOX CLOSEST 

ROZ 

Which one? What if it doesn't work and we ruin something he needs? 

DAPHNE 

We can't look inside so just look for an old date on the cover. 

ROZ GIVES MARTIN A FILE 

MARTIN 

Here you go ninety-eight. 

DAPHNE, ROZ AND MARTIN EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE, ROZ AND MARTIN ENTER AND GATHER AROUND THE MICROWAVE. MARTIN HANDS DAPHNE THE FILE 

ROZ 

Whose going to take responsibility if this doesn't work? 

MARTIN 

Who's ever idea it was. 

DAPHNE 

Who's idea was it? It wasn't mine. 

ROZ 

It wasn't mine. 

MARTIN 

It wasn't mine. 

DAPHNE 

Well it was someone's. 

ROZ 

Just put it in, it'll work. 

DAPHNE PUTS THE FILE IN THE MICROWAVE AND TURNS IT ON. AFTER A MOMENT SMOKE STARTS TO COME FROM INSIDE 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Then again maybe not. 

DAPHNE OPENS THE DOOR, GRABS THE SMOKING FILE AND PUTS IT UNDER THE TAP AS NILES AND FRASIER ENTER

NILES 

You're supposed to be drying it out not making it wetter. 

MARTIN 

Just keep bringing the boxes, we'll sort this out. 

THEY ALL EXIT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM 

RESET TO: 

INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

THEY ALL ENTER AND NILES AND FRASIER WALK BACK TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR 

FRASIER 

Is it because she didn't like me? 

NILES 

How should I know? 

FRASIER 

Because Roz told you. 

NILES 

Oh yeah now I remember. 

NILES AND FRASIER EXIT

MARTIN 

We'll just have to spread it out on the floor. 

DAPHNE 

I don't think I could cope with the hysterics about having water on the floor. 

ROZ 

Is there any other way? 

DAPHNE 

Not really. 

MARTIN 

Move the piano over so we can get at the boxes and start spreading them out in the corner. 

DAPHNE AND ROZ BOTH SQUEEZE PAST THE PIANO AND START TO PUSH IT OUT TOWARDS THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM. MARTIN MOVES OUT OF THE WAY TOWARDS THE FAINTING COUCH 

ROZ 

A little further. 

THEY MOVE THE PIANO A LITTLE FURTHER GIVING THEM ENOUGH ROOM TO GET AT THE BOXES AND SPREAD OUT THE PAPERS IN THE CORNER WHERE ANY WATER DAMAGE WOULD BE HARD TO SEE. THEY THEN MOVE THE BOXES ONTO THE TOP OF IT SO THEY HAVE MORE ROOM TO SPREAD THE PAPER OUT 

DAPHNE 

Someone keep your foot here whenever he's in the room. 

MARTIN 

Why? 

DAPHNE 

Because we've just scratched the floor. 

ROZ 

If that's the worse thing that happens today then he can't really complain. 

THE FLOORBOARDS UNDER THE PIANO THEN SUDDENLY START TO CREEK VERY LOUDLY WHICH MAKES EVERYONE TURN TO LOOK. THEN IN A BLINK OF AN EYE THE FLOORBOARDS GIVE WAY UNDER THE WEIGHT OF THE PIANO AND FALLS THROUGH THE FLOOR AND OUT OF VIEW. EVERYONE IN THE ROOM STARES AT THE NOW HUGE HOLE IN THE FLOOR UTTERLY GOB SMACKED 

A BEAT 

MARTIN 

At least it'll take his attention away from the scratch. 

AS NILES AND FRASIER ENTER RUNNING TO SEE WHAT THE NOISE WAS WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(D) 

FADE IN: 

INT. MONTANA CORRIDOR — EVENING — DAY/1   
(Niles, Frasier, Doorman, Daphne, Roz, Martin, Man) 

NILES AND FRASIER STAND OUTSIDE THE FRONT DOOR OF THE APARTMENT DIRECTLY BELOW NILES' BANGING ON THE DOOR FRANTICALLY 

NILES 

Oh my God! Oh my God! 

FRASIER 

Becoming hysterical is not going to help at this point. 

NILES 

But what if he's dead? What if we've just killed Mr. Larkin? I've already killed one member of this building, I don't need another one added to my record. 

FRASIER 

What are the chances that he'd be standing on that spot precisely at that moment when it fell through the floor? 

NILES 

What were the chances that it would have fallen through the floor in the first place? 

FRASIER 

You know you've got a point there. 

NILES 

I'll be living on the street for sure after this. 

FRASIER 

You can't be so sure. He might be very understanding. 

NILES 

I've just destroyed the home of and possibly killed the head of the tenant's board. He's hardly going to take to the park and buy me an ice cream for this. Oh please answer the door Mr. Larkin. 

FRASIER 

Maybe he can't hear the door. 

NILES 

Why not? 

FRASIER 

He might be in the shower. 

NILES 

Or under a piano. He's dead I know he is. What's that smell? Oh my God he is dead he's beginning to smell already. I could be executed for this. 

FRASIER 

That's a pot roast Niles. 

THE DOORMAN, DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER RUNNING AROUND THE CORNER 

DOORMAN 

What's going on? 

NILES 

You've got to open up I have reason to believe that Mr. Larkin may have committed suicide by crushing himself with a piano after knocking a large hole in his ceiling into my apartment. 

DAPHNE 

It's all right. He's out of town. 

NILES 

Really? 

ROZ 

Visiting his daughter. 

DOORMAN 

He'll be gone until next weekend. 

NILES 

Oh thank God. Can you let me inside? 

DOORMAN 

Now just a second that could be considered breaking and entering you know. 

FRASIER 

Not if you just open the door. 

DOORMAN 

I mean coming through the ceiling with a piano. What? You expect me to believe that story? 

NILES 

I'm begging you. I only want to get in there so I can repair the damage before he comes home. 

DOORMAN 

I understand that but I can't just let you in. What's to stop you from smashing a saxophone through your bedroom wall when Mrs. Milner's away so you can have a look through her underwear drawer? 

ROZ 

Oh he'd never do that again. 

NILES GLARES AT ROZ 

DOORMAN 

I stand to get into a certain amount of trouble myself if anything goes missing in someone's purse. 

NILES 

But I don't own a purse. 

DOORMAN 

What I really need is a little assurance that everything will be okay if I let you in there. 

NILES 

Oh it will I promise. You have my word. Please let me in there. 

DOORMAN 

I need more then that. 

NILES 

Pretty, pretty please? 

DOORMAN 

Maybe with a little encouragement from your friends. 

FRASIER 

Please help us out. 

DOORMAN 

I mean your friends of Mr. Washington and Mr. Lincoln. 

NILES 

I don't know anyone by those names. 

DAPHNE 

Oh for God's sake give me your wallet. 

NILES GIVES DAPHNE HIS WALLET WHO TAKES OUT SOME MONEY AND GIVES IT TO THE DOORMAN 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

There will that do? 

DOORMAN 

Here's the key. Give it back to me when you're done. 

THE DOORMAN EXITS AROUND THE CORNER COUNTING HIS MONEY 

ROZ 

How slow are you? 

NILES 

I'm sorry but I've never had to bribe anyone before. Committing and covering up a felony is new territory for me. 

FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND THEY ALL EXIT INSIDE 

RESET TO: 

INT. MR. LARKIN'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

THEY ALL ENTER THE ROOM BEFORE FRASIER SWITCHES THE LIGHTS ON. WHEN THE LIGHTS COME ON IT REVEALS A HUGE HOLE IN THE CEILING WHERE THE PIANO FELL FROM AND WHICH NOW LIES IN A HEAP IN THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM. UNDER THE PIANO ARE PIECES OF BROKEN FURNITURE THAT IT SMASHED ON IMPACT. THE PIANO MUST HAVE HIT A SET OF DRAWERS AS THE CONTENTS ARE NOW SCATTERED ACROSS THE FLOOR. FLOORBOARDS AND OTHER PIECES OF THE FLOOR ARE SCATTERED ABOUT THE ROOM AS WELL AS A LAYER OF DUST. THE BOXES OF NILES' PAPERWORK ARE NOW ALSO SCATTERED AROUND THE ROOM 

FRASIER 

Well its not that bad...if he never switches his lights on. 

DAPHNE APPROACHES THE PIANO AND LOOKS UNDERNEATH IT 

DAPHNE 

What do you suppose this was? 

ROZ 

My money's on a couch. Or maybe a table. We can just glue the pieces together and see what it looks best as. 

NILES 

It looks like a bomb's gone off. 

MARTIN ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

MARTIN 

How bad is it? 

FRASIER 

There's a little bit of damage but not so that you'd notice. 

DAPHNE 

(RE: UNDER THE PIANO) Oh my God, what's this bit of fluff under here? 

NILES 

What bit of fluff? 

DAPHNE 

Does he by any chance own a cat? 

NILES 

I don't believe this. What kind of man leaves a cat at home alone for a week? You expect it to be killed by a piano falling through the ceiling. 

ROZ 

That's going to have to be scraped up off the floor. 

NILES 

Thanks for the insight Roz. (RE: PIANO) Look at the size of that scratch. Oh it'll never sound the same again. 

ROZ 

Not with a dead cat welded inside it it won't. 

FRASIER 

I think you're loosing sight of the main problem here Niles. 

MARTIN 

Don't worry about it. Have it stuffed and he might not notice. 

NILES 

He's not going to think it's odd when he calls it and it just stands there with a glazed look on it's face not breathing. 

ROZ 

Isn't there anyway that we could get it to move? 

NILES 

Like how? The only way it'll ever move again is if someone sticks there hand up it's rear end and giggles it about. Now you may have a different interpretation but that's not my idea of a good time. 

ROZ 

I meant like putting it on a remote controlled car. 

MARTIN 

Better still, skin it and put it's fur on one of those robbo dogs. Problem solved. 

DAPHNE 

No it's okay. It's just a rug. 

ROZ PICKS UP A COLLAR AND A LEAD FROM IN BETWEEN THE RUBBLE 

ROZ 

Anyway it looks as if he owns a dog, he left his collar and lead. 

MARTIN 

Surely wouldn't he have taken them with him if he took the dog? 

FRASIER 

Don't tell me that's under the piano now. 

NILES 

That's impossible. The building has a no dog policy. 

ROZ 

Then why does he have a collar and a lead? (REALISING) Oh no! Oh my God. That's disgusting. He's so old. 

DAPHNE 

Don't jump to conclusions. He may have had a dog before he moved in here. 

FRASIER BENDS DOWN AND PICKS A PHOTO UP OFF THE FLOOR 

FRASIER 

If only there were true. Here's a photo of him wearing it. 

NILES 

I didn't need to see that. 

DAPHNE 

You don't suppose that barking we've been hearing has been coming from down here and not from the street. 

NILES 

I don't even want to think about that possibility. 

ROZ 

(EXCITED) Let's see what else he's got. 

ROZ STARTS TO RUMMAGE THROUGH THE RUBBLE 

NILES 

Stop going through his drawers. 

ROZ 

I don't know if you noticed but the piano smashed his drawers. They're spread about the floor. 

MARTIN 

Is he married? 

NILES 

His wife died about three years ago. 

MARTIN POINTS TO THE FLOOR WITH HIS CANE 

MARTIN 

So there's no reason why he'd still have these stockings? 

NILES 

Stop it, I don't want to know anymore. 

DAPHNE 

Or this night dress. 

NILES 

Dear God it's like stumbling into the world of Norman Bates. 

ROZ 

If his mother was a dominatrix. 

SUDDENLY A MAN ENTERS INTO THE HALLWAY FROM HIS APARTMENT OPPOSITE MR. LARKIN'S WEARING A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES. AS THE DOOR IS WIDE OPEN HE CAN SEE EXACTLY WHAT'S HAPPENED BEFORE HE EXITS DOWN THE CORRIDOR. EVERYONE FREEZES UNSURE OF WHAT TO DO 

FRASIER 

Oh no. 

DAPHNE 

Do you think he saw? 

ROZ 

Of course he saw he was looking right at us. 

NILES 

What am I going to do now? He'll tell him for sure. 

MARTIN 

How do you know that? 

NILES 

You don't think he's going to be a little curious about why there were five people, a piano and bits of broken furniture scattered around his neighbour's apartment while he was away? 

ROZ 

We've got nothing to be ashamed of. He's the one with the dog collar. 

MARTIN 

Look on the bright side. At least your paper works dryer. 

AS NILES BEGINS TO PANIC EVEN MORE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Daphne) 

FRASIER AND ROZ SIT AT THE DINING TABLE WITH PAPER WORK SPREAD OUT ON THE TABLE AND A BOTTLE OF WINE 

FRASIER 

How would you like a pay rise Roz? 

ROZ 

I'd love it. While you mention it I'd also like a Porsche, a house on Maui and a pool boy with the stamina of a racehorse. 

FRASIER 

At least you know what to ask Santa for next year. Although I don't think that would all fit in your stocking. 

ROZ 

The pool boy would. 

FRASIER 

I don't need to know anymore Roz. Do you get enough time off to spend with Alice? Do you need more? 

ROZ 

Well to be fair I...wait a second, what do you want? 

FRASIER 

Nothing. Nothing at all. I'm merely curious. 

ROZ 

Well then in that case I'd love a raise and more holidays. 

FRASIER STARTS TO FILL ROZ'S GLASS UP RIGHT TO THE TOP 

FRASIER 

Now I might be able to get that for you, I shall certainly mention it to Kenny if you do a little something for me. 

ROZ 

This is normally how porn starts. I'm not sleeping with you. 

FRASIER 

That's not what I'm asking. 

ROZ 

It's not? Well you can see how I'd jump to that conclusion when you're plying me with wine and offering me money. What else could you want? I'm not checking your prostate either. 

FRASIER 

That's certainly good to hear. 

ROZ 

What do you want then? 

FRASIER 

I want to know why I can't see Jade. 

ROZ 

This? Still? Don't you know when to give up? 

FRASIER 

Apparently not. I like this woman. I want to see her again. Give me one valid reason why I can't. 

ROZ 

Because I don't want you to. 

FRASIER 

This is driving me insane. 

ROZ 

Then stop asking. 

NILES ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

NILES 

Hello all. 

FRASIER 

Niles? 

NILES 

I'm not telling you. 

FRASIER 

Why? 

NILES SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH 

NILES 

Because Roz would kill me. Look at that glint in her eye. That's enough to send a tattoo covered trucker running for the hills in fear. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM 

DAPHNE 

Hello. Have you any word yet on when your office is going to be ready to move back in to? 

DAPHNE SITS NEXT TO NILES ON THE COUCH 

NILES 

After they relay a new carpet tomorrow. Why? 

DAPHNE 

Because I'm sick of having my friends on the phone telling me that you're having an affair. There are only so many times I can tell them it's okay, I know what's going on before they think I've gone gar-gar and start following me to see if I'm wondering into the Police station in my underwear. 

NILES 

What? 

DAPHNE 

They keep seeing you go into your motel room with different women. What other conclusion are they going to draw? That you're trying to sell them beauty products? 

ROZ 

That would appear a little unusual. 

DAPHNE 

The day you had one of your group meetings my phone was ringing off the hook. What they thought you were doing with eleven women in a tiny hotel room is beyond me. But they said they all came out with a satisfied look on their faces. 

NILES 

I actually have some good news. I've found out the name of that man who saw us. 

ROZ 

You didn't know his name? 

NILES 

Do you know the name of everyone in your building? 

ROZ 

Yes. 

FRASIER 

She's dated most of them. 

ROZ 

It's a small building. How could you not know his name? 

NILES 

Because I'm a bad, bad neighbour. As soon as my apartment is safe to go back into I'll bake everyone a cake and knit them all sweaters to start to get more acquainted with them all. 

DAPHNE 

What difference does it make now that you know his name? 

NILES 

It means now I know where he's going to be. 

ROZ 

How did you find that out? 

NILES 

I hired someone to follow him. 

DAPHNE 

You hired someone to follow him? 

NILES 

Oh all right I followed him. I spent the day hiding behind walls and ducking into shops and unfortunately when I wasn't paying attention into the women's public toilets. It grew increasingly difficult to follow someone while being followed by a parade of women pelting me with toilet brushes. He spends all his afternoons at a health club so now all we have to do is pay to join his club and track him down inside. 

FRASIER 

Or you could just go to his apartment. 

NILES 

Or I could just go to his apartment. 

AS ROZ AND DAPHNE BOTH ROLL THEIR EYES AT NILES WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

FADE IN: 

INT. MONTANA CORRIDOR — AFTERNOON — DAY/3   
(Niles, Frasier, Martin, Cleaner) 

NILES, FRASIER AND MARTIN STAND OUTSIDE THE FRONT DOOR OF MR. LARKIN FACING THE DOOR OF THE MAN WHO SAW THEM 

NILES 

How do we go about this? 

FRASIER 

What do you mean? 

NILES 

How do we do it without frightening him? 

MARTIN 

How would you frighten him? 

NILES 

He saw the damage I did with the piano. He probably thinks I'm going to try to impale him with a flute because he saw us. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't answer the door because he's locked himself in a cupboard. 

MARTIN 

Niles you can't even scare a squirrel away from your lunch in the park. In fact they sit on a branch and laugh at you. Being mocked by a squirrel is nothing to be proud of. 

FRASIER 

Just tell him the truth. 

NILES 

That I want to bribe him into keeping quiet? 

FRASIER 

Not that truth, some other truth. 

MARTIN 

If you don't knock on his door you're not going to be able to ask him anything. 

NILES 

Okay I'm ready. Don't crowd around he might think we're members of the mob intending on confiscating his toes. 

FRASIER 

Oh I've got an idea. Dad get out your wallet. 

MARTIN 

And show him what? My video store card? 

FRASIER 

Flash him your badge. 

MARTIN 

No. Just knock on his door. 

NILES 

You knock on his door. 

MARTIN 

Fine. 

MARTIN GOES TO KNOCK ON THE DOOR 

NILES 

No wait. 

MARTIN 

What now? 

NILES 

We need to get our story straight first. 

FRASIER 

The story is straight. 

NILES 

And you think he's going to believe that a leak in my office caused by over eaters on an inflatable bouncing castle full of water, caused me to move my piano into the middle of the room where it fell through the floor? 

MARTIN 

Yes. 

NILES 

How can you be sure? I hardly believe it and I saw it all. 

MARTIN 

For Pete's sake. 

MARTIN KNOCKS ON THE DOOR 

NILES 

No not yet. 

FRASIER 

What do we do now? 

NILES 

Hide. 

FRASIER AND NILES BOTH JUMP TO EITHER SIDE OF THE DOOR, CROUCH ON THE FLOOR AND PRESS THEMSELVES UP THE WALL AS MARTIN ROLLS HIS EYES AND A CLEANER OPENS THE DOOR 

CLEANER 

Hello. Can I help you? 

MARTIN 

Hello. Can I speak to...(TO NILES) what's his name? 

NILES 

(WHISPERS) Mr. Blake. 

MARTIN 

What? 

NILE STANDS UP LIKE A NAUGHTY SCHOOL BOY AND JOINS MARTIN 

NILES 

Mr. Blake. 

THE CLEANER SURPRISED BY NILES' SUDDEN APPEARANCE LOOKS OUT THE DOOR FOR ANYONE ELSE 

CLEANER 

Is that Dr. Crane from the radio on the floor over there? 

FRASIER STANDS UP AND JOINS THEM 

FRASIER 

Yes hello. I was just looking for my...brother. There he is. Is Mr. Blake home? 

CLEANER 

No he's at his health club for the afternoon as usual. 

MARTIN 

Thank you. I'll call back later. 

THE CLEANER EXITS BACK INSIDE AND CLOSES THE DOOR 

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

Now was that so hard? 

AS MARTIN STARTS TO EXIT DOWN THE CORRIDOR WE: 

FADE OUT 

(G) 

FADE IN: 

INT. HEALTH CLUB LOCKER ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/3   
(Frasier, Niles, Mr. Blake) 

FRASIER AND NILES STAND BY THE ENTRANCE TO THE LOCKER ROOM, LOOKING AT ALL THE FACES DOWN THE OTHER END 

FRASIER 

Which one is he? 

NILES 

You saw him the other day. 

FRASIER 

At the time I had the image of Mr. Larkin in a dog collar impeding my vision. I'm amazed I've been able to see since. 

NILES 

You think you're disturbed. I'm the one that's heard barking. I don't want to ask who was meowing at the same time. 

FRASIER 

So anyway which one is he? 

NILES 

I'm not sure. 

FRASIER 

You tailed him for a day. 

NILES 

I only saw the back of his head. And besides it was dark and cloudy that day and I had sunglasses on to conceal myself. I could have been following a boy on his paper round for all I know. 

FRASIER 

Surely you saw him and knew it was him when you started following him. 

NILES 

He looked frightened so I naturally assumed. Oh don't give me that look, I've had a traumatic few days. While I was waiting for him to come out of the Montana I was huddled spy like behind a trash can when a stray dog tried to relieve himself up me which caused me to fall onto something in the trash that I can only hope was dried up chocolate fondue. 

FRASIER 

Is that him? 

A MAN WEARING SUN GLASSES EXITS THROUGH A DOOR ON THE RIGHT 

NILES 

I think so. Oh but wait he's gone into the shower. 

FRASIER 

Well go on in there after him. 

NILES 

You expect me to approach a man in the shower and offer him money? Do you have any idea what that'll do to my reputation? 

FRASIER 

Only the same damage as when people have seen you run. 

NILES 

What if he's naked? 

FRASIER 

Look at his face. 

NILES 

That's easier said then done. 

FRASIER 

Just go on in there. 

NILES 

Come with me. 

FRASIER 

No thank you, I've already seen one of your neighbours in a collar, I don't want to see another one naked. 

NILES 

What if he gives me any trouble? 

FRASIER 

Then just smack his behind with a towel and threaten to steal his pants. That always worked on us after gym class. Oh fine. Come on. 

THEY BOTH GO TO EXIT INTO THE SHOWER. ONCE NILES HAS EXITED, FRASIER DOESN'T FOLLOW HIM BUT GOES BACK TO WAIT BY THE DOOR 

RESET TO: 

INT. SHOWER ROOM — CONTINUOUS 

NILES ENTERS INTO THE SHOWER ROOM THAT HAS MORE LOCKERS AND A SET OF SHOWERS AT THE END. THERE IS NO ONE ELSE IN THERE EXCEPT NILES AND THE MAN WHO SAW THEM, MR. BLAKE. ONCE NILES IS IN THE ROOM HE GOES TO TURN TO TALK TO FRASIER ONLY TO SEE THAT HE HASN'T FOLLOWED HIM 

NILES 

Frasier! Frasier! Get back here! 

NILES APPROACHES MR. BLAKE WHO IS SEARCHING THROUGH HIS LOCKER 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Excuse me Mr. Blake? 

MR. BLAKE 

Hello Dr. Crane. I've been expecting you. 

NILES 

I thought you might have been. 

MR. BLAKE 

So what can I do for you? 

NILES 

First of all you can reassure me you're wearing underwear under that towel. 

MR. BLAKE 

Indeed I am. Now I can't imagine you've come all the way down here to check if I'm flashing people at my health club. I'm not by the way. 

NILES 

I know you saw what happened and I'd like to ask you to please keep quiet about it. 

MR. BLAKE 

I don't understand. 

NILES 

What is it going to take for you to keep quiet? 

MR. BLAKE 

I'm not sure what you mean. 

NILES 

My friends Mr. Washington and Mr. Lincoln are here and are hoping that you'll cooperate. That means I'm trying to bribe you not that I have some thugs waiting for you in the parking lot. 

MR. BLAKE 

Dr. Crane what are you talking about? 

NILES 

My piano falling through Mr. Larkin's ceiling and virtually demolishing his apartment. You came out of your apartment and saw us when we had the door open. 

MR. BLAKE 

Dr. Crane have you never noticed that I'm always wearing my sunglasses in a city where it rains nine months of the year? 

NILES 

It can be awfully bright out. 

MR. BLAKE 

I'm blind Dr. Crane. I didn't see a thing. You could have been having Mardi Gras across the hall from me and I wouldn't have known. 

NILES 

Really? But you said you were expecting me. 

MR. BLAKE 

You were following me yesterday. I heard you trip over trash cans four times behind me and then your shrieks as it sounded like you were being hit with something. 

NILES 

Oh then that changes everything. Thank you very much. Good bye. 

NILES GOES TO LEAVE 

MR. BLAKE 

Wait a second Dr. Crane. I didn't know before. I do now. Now what was this about a bribe? And believe me it's going to take a lot more then Mr. Lincoln. 

NILES 

Mr. Jackson? 

MR. BLAKE 

Think bigger. 

AS NILES SIGHS AND GETS OUT HIS WALLET WE: 

FADE OUT 

(H) 

TITLE CARD: "IN HIS DEFENCE THE RESTAURANT WAS VERY DARK" 

FADE IN: 

INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/3   
(Frasier, Niles, Roz, Daphne) 

NILES' APARTMENT IS NOW RESTORED BACK TO ITS FORMER GLORY WITH THE HOLE FIXED. THERE REMAINS A FEW DROP CLOTHS OVER HIS FURNITURE. NILES AND FRASIER ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

FRASIER 

How could you not know he was blind? 

NILES 

I'm not that observant. 

FRASIER 

He walks with a white stick. 

NILES 

I thought that was his rather debonair style. 

DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

Ah Roz! A word with you please. 

NILES AND DAPHNE GREET EACH OTHER BEFORE SETTING ABOUT REMOVING THE DROP CLOTHS 

ROZ 

I'm not telling you. 

FRASIER 

There's no need to I found out myself. 

ROZ 

Niles you blabber mouth. 

NILES 

I didn't tell him anything. 

FRASIER 

There was no need I saw Jade down at the health club. 

DAPHNE 

That was coincidental. 

FRASIER 

Yes in a men's health club. 

NILES 

That's a little odd. 

FRASIER 

Without her wig and makeup. 

ROZ 

Really? 

FRASIER 

You set me up on a date with a man didn't you? 

ROZ 

Yes. But in my defence I didn't know she was a man until after your date when she felt the need to come clean with me. 

FRASIER 

It's just a pity she didn't come clean with me. I thought you'd known her since your college days. 

ROZ 

I have but I've maybe seen her three times since then. 

FRASIER 

And in all that time it never came up? 

ROZ 

Well maybe once or twice at slumber parties when the rest of us were running around in our underwear having pillow fights but I thought that was just how her pyjamas had rumpled up. 

FRASIER 

I meant the conversation never came up? 

ROZ 

Do you ever ask anyone at the wine club if they used to be women? 

FRASIER 

Only after a few bottles of Beaujolais Neuvo. 

DAPHNE 

Well you're not the only Crane dating a man. 

NILES 

Have you been keeping a secret from me? 

DAPHNE 

I'm talking about you. Someone saw you letting an old man into your motel room. All my friends think I'm marrying the biggest pervert under the sun. 

NILES 

My reputations taken a proper beating today. 

DAPHNE 

I think that's what they thought you were doing to him. How did things go down at the health club apart from that? 

NILES 

Fine. After a little persuasion he decided to keep quiet. 

DAPHNE 

So he saw everything? 

NILES 

(CHANGING THE SUBJECT) Doesn't the place look fantastic? You'd never know what had happened. 

FRASIER 

And with any luck neither will Mr. Larkin. 

CUT TO: 

(I) 

INT. MR. LARKIN'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/4   
(Mr. Larkin) 

MR. LARKIN ENTERS HIS APARTMENT, WHICH HAS THE LIGHTS OFF. WHEN HE IS IN AND HAS SHUT THE DOOR HE SWITCHES THE LIGHTS ON. SITTING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM, WHICH HAS THE CEILING REPAIRED, WHERE IT LANDED WITH ALL HIS NOW REPAIRED FURNITURE AROUND IT LIES NILES PIANO. MR. LARKIN STARES AT IT A LITTLE GOB SMACKED AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: NILES COMES OUT OF HIS KITCHEN CARRYING A GLASS OF WINE. HE THEN WALKS TO THE FRONT DOOR AND GETS SOME SHEET MUSIC OUT OF THE CONSOLE. HAPPILY HE BOUNDS OVER TO WHERE THE PIANO USED TO BE. HE GOES TO SIT HIS DRINK DOWN ON THE PIANO WHEN IT SUDDENLY HITS HIM THAT IT'S MISSING. HE STANDS, CONFUSED FOR A MOMENT. SUDDENLY HE REALISES, PUTS HIS DRINK DOWN ON THE TABLE AND RUNS FOR THE FRONT DOOR


	16. Episode Sixteen

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_I wrote this one on a train going from Aberystwyth to Birmingham back in May, so you can see how lazy I am when it comes to posting these things. Please send all feedback to kelly_simba@hotmail.com and be entered into the prize draw to win Wolfgang's beautifully crunchy crab cakes. _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Nine Episode Sixteen   
No Strings Attached 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

FADE IN: 

INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/1   
(Daphne, Niles) 

DAPHNE IS STANDING ON A CHAIR NEXT TO THE FRONT DOOR WITH NILES STANDING ON THE FAR SIDE OF THE FAINTING COUCH WITH A ROLLED UP MAGAZINE CLENCHED IN HIS HANDS 

DAPHNE 

Pass me something to hit it with. 

NILES 

Like what? A baseball bat? A boxing glove? My late Victorian spoon rest? You know I only own one of those though. Although my oven glove could pass as a boxing glove in a dark light. 

DAPHNE 

How about a magazine maybe doctor. 

NILES 

Oh right. Let me find one. 

NILES GOES TO THE COFFEE TABLE AND STARTS FLICKING THROUGH A STACK OF MAGAZINES 

DAPHNE 

What's wrong with that one in your hand? 

NILES LOOKS AT THE MAGAZINE 

NILES 

It has my letter printed in it. 

DAPHNE 

And? 

NILES 

I don't particularly want moth entrails smeared on it. 

DAPHNE 

Do you want me to kill the moth or not? 

NILES HANDS HER A MAGAZINE OFF THE TABLE BEFORE BACKING AWAY AGAIN 

NILES 

Use this one. 

DAPHNE 

It's got your brother on the front cover. 

NILES 

I know that's why I said to use it. Quick, quick it's moving. 

DAPHNE 

It won't kill you. I hardly think its wings are sharp enough to slit your throat. And it's highly unlikely you'll be flapped to death. 

NILES 

You can never be too sure. It's been giving me the evil eye. 

DAPHNE 

So have I and you're not scared of me. 

NILES 

Aren't I? Get it now hit it! 

DAPHNE STRETCHES TO HER LEFT TO SWOT THE MOTH WITH THE MAGAZINE BUT UNFORTUNATELY STRETCHES TOO FAR. THIS CAUSES HER TO LOOSE HER FOOTING AND FALL OFF THE CHAIR HITTING THE FLOOR WITH A THUD. AS NILES RUSHES TO HER WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

TITLE CARD: "IF THE SURGEON HAD BEEN IN TOWN SHE WOULD HAVE" 

FADE IN: 

INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR — MORNING — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Roz, Niles, Martin, Nurse, Daphne, Allison) 

NILES AND MARTIN SIT OUTSIDE A CLOSED DOOR IN THE HOSPITAL WARD AS FRASIER AND ROZ COME RUNNING DOWN THE CORRIDOR TO MEET THEM 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry it's taken us so long but I had to wait for someone to do her hair and makeup before she would let me leave the station. I'm surprised you didn't want to wait until you'd shaved your legs and lost ten pounds. Maybe even have had a face lift and breast enlargements. 

ROZ 

There are cute doctors here. I couldn't waste an opportunity to snag one of them. Daphne would have done the same thing had the situation been reversed. 

NILES 

She's already got herself a doctor. 

ROZ 

Really? Since when? Oh you mean yourself don't you? 

FRASIER 

What happened? 

NILES 

Daphne had a small accident at my apartment but she's fine the doctor's just finished up with her and the nurse is in with her now. 

MARTIN 

Tell them what happened. 

NILES 

You know I'd rather not if it's all the same with you. 

ROZ 

I'm not sure I really want to hear this. It didn't involve the two of you, nudity and gymnastic skills that you obviously don't possess did it? Because I don't need the recurring nightmares I have a hard enough time sleeping as it is. 

NILES 

No Roz you seem to be confusing our lives with yours. 

ROZ 

It only happened once! Why does everyone still make such a big deal about it? I don't make a habit of it. 

FRASIER 

Because you were caught on the stations security cameras and he broke his leg, three ribs and nearly lost an eye. Heaven only knows what the paramedics thought when they arrived and got a real eye full. 

ROZ 

Will you keep your voice down! It wasn't as bad as it seemed. 

FRASIER 

You had to wear a neck brace for two weeks. Secret Santa's was passing around copies of the tape for three straight Christmas's. 

ROZ 

I believe we were interrogating Niles. 

MARTIN 

Why won't you tell them? 

NILES 

I'm not sure Daphne would be entirely comfortable with it. 

MARTIN 

She told me easily enough. 

NILES 

That's because they'd just given her some extremely strong painkillers. They were strong enough to have killed a fully grown rhino. She was delusional. She was also about to tell you who shot JFK and where Jimmy Hoffa's body was. 

FRASIER 

Will someone just please tell us what's going on? 

NILES 

Let me think...no. 

A NURSE ENTERS FROM THE SIDE ROOM AND STARES AT NILES 

NURSE 

A moth? This all happened because of a tiny moth? 

NILES 

Yes now run along. 

FRASIER AND ROZ START TO LAUGH TO THEMSELVES 

NURSE 

You can go back in now and see her. I've checked in every corner and there are definitely no insects in there so you should be safe to go in there and leave with all your organs intact. 

NILES 

Thank you. 

NILES OPENS THE DOOR AND EXITS INSIDE 

ROZ 

(TO MARTIN) A moth did it? 

FRASIER, ROZ AND MARTIN EXIT INSIDE 

RESET TO: 

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE LIES IN THE BED WITH HER ANKLE BANDAGED WEARING A HOSPITAL GOWN. NILES SITS ON THE EDGE OF THE BED AS FRASIER, ROZ AND MARTIN ENTER

DAPHNE 

Hardly. I was standing on a chair to swat a moth because the little girl here was beginning to shriek and flap around like a mongoose in heat if it came near him, when I lost my balance and fell off. 

FRASIER 

Are you all right? 

DAPHNE 

I just twisted my ankle and banged my head. 

MARTIN 

Can you come home? 

NILES 

The doctor said they want to keep her in until the morning because of a mild concussion. Just be to be safe. 

ROZ 

And this is all because of a moth? 

NILES 

Like you don't think I'm feeling guilty enough? 

FRASIER 

A moth? 

FRASIER AND ROZ BOTH START TO LAUGH AGAIN 

NILES 

A moth the size of some sort of genetically engineered super bat and I'm so glad you find Daphne's injury so amusing. 

DAPHNE 

You have got to see someone over this bug phobia. I'm not going to end up needing a new lung one day because I had to stretch to catch a spider. 

NILES 

That's the last time from now on I'll catch all insects. 

MARTIN 

That'll be entertaining to watch. You need sedating to sit on the grass in the park. 

NILES 

That's not because of the insects. (THEN) Oh all right not only because of the insects who knows what animal has relieved itself on that grass. 

FRASIER 

Can I get you anything Daphne? 

DAPHNE 

I wouldn't say no to a cup of tea. 

FRASIER 

I'll run and get you one. I'll be right back. 

FRASIER EXITS OUT ONTO THE CORRIDOR. ROZ STARTS TO LAUGH TO HERSELF AGAIN AS MARTIN TRIES TO STOP HIMSELF FROM LAUGHING. EVEN DAPHNE IS BEGINNING TO SMILE AND SEE THE FUNNY SIDE OF IT 

NILES 

(SHOUTS) Will you stop that it isn't funny. 

ROZ 

Look at you you're hysterical. 

NILES 

I am not hysterical! 

ROZ 

Well you make me laugh. 

RESET TO: 

INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER WAITS TO GET A CUP OF TEA FROM THE VENDING MACHINE. IN FRONT OF HIM IS ALLISON, A MIDDLE AGED WOMAN, WITH HER HAND UP A VENTRILOQUISTS PUPPET. ALLISON STRUGGLES TO JUGGLE HER CHANGE WITH ONLY ONE HAND 

ALLISON 

Oops. 

FRASIER 

Here let me help you with that. You look as if you both have your hands full. 

FRASIER PUTS ALLISON'S CHANGE IN THE MACHINE BEFORE SHE PUSHES THE BUTTON AND THEN PICKS UP HER CUP 

ALLISON 

Thank you. 

FRASIER 

(RE: PUPPET) Is this for you or for your friend? 

ALLISON 

It's for me. Any fluids tend to go straight through him and we don't need him to have wet pants because we have a show to do. It's one of the perils of being made of wood. That and lice try to eat his face at the most unfortunate times. 

FRASIER 

So you're working here not visiting anyone? 

ALLISON 

I stop by every now and then to entertain the kids on the children's ward. There's something about a talking block of wood with eyes that seems appealing to people under four feet tall. You should see me I'm a riot among garden gnome circles. (THEN) I hope you don't mind my asking but your voice sounds familiar, where do I know you from? 

FRASIER 

You might have heard my radio show, I'm Dr. Frasier Crane. 

ALLISON 

No that's not it. 

FRASIER 

I assure you that's who I am. 

ALLISON 

No I mean forgive me but I've never heard your show. I've heard of it but never actually listened to it. I'm usually working then. Do you ever go to Café Nervosa? 

FRASIER 

Quite frequently. 

ALLISON 

That's it then. Well it was nice meeting you. 

ALLISON GOES TO EXIT DOWN THE CORRIDOR 

FRASIER 

You never told me your name. 

ALLISON 

Oh I'm sorry. Allison Richards. 

THEY SHAKE HANDS 

FRASIER 

And who is this? 

ALLISON 

This is Spankey the monkey. (THEN) You know I'm just about to do a show for the kids if you'd like to come and watch. 

FRASIER 

I'd love to. 

THEY START TO WALK DOWN THE CORRIDOR 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

I haven't got anything to do until I have to be back at the station. 

FRASIER AND ALLISON EXIT AROUND THE CORNER 

A BEAT 

FRASIER ENTERS RUNNING AROUND THE CORNER AND STARTS TO PUT SOME MONEY INTO THE VENDING MACHINE AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. RESTAURANT — EVENING — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Allison, Waiter, Woman) 

FRASIER SITS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CROWDED RESTAURANT AS ALLISON APPROACHES CARRYING SPANKEY THE PUPPET UNDER HER ARM. FRASIER RISES TO GREET HER 

FRASIER 

Hello. 

ALLISON 

Hello. I'm sorry we're late. 

THEY BOTH SIR DOWN 

FRASIER 

We? Ah I see. Your friend seems to be sitting on your hand. That'll make it rather hard to eat dinner. 

ALLISON SITS SPANKEY DOWN ON THE EMPTY SEAT 

ALLISON 

I'm sorry I had to bring him with me as I came straight from the hospital. 

FRASIER 

It's fine. 

A WAITER APPROACHES WITH A BASKET OF ROLLS AND THROWS THEM DOWN ON THEIR SIDE PLATES WITH A LOT OF FORCE 

WAITER 

Here are your rolls. 

FRASIER 

Let's hope when you ask for a clean knife they don't give them to you in the same way. Well when I went to the hospital today I didn't expect the day to end up like this. 

ALLISON 

Me neither. 

FRASIER 

Although I'm certainly glad it did. 

ALLISON 

I hope you don't mind me bringing Spankey along. I don't like leaving him in the car. More often then not someone thinks he's a really hairy child and calls social services. There are only so many times they can arrest and strip search me before it becomes an inconvenience. I'm joking of course, it's only happen twice in the last year. 

FRASIER 

That's very funny. Of course I don't mind. Although has he ever heard the expression three's a crowd? 

ALLISON 

Apparently not. One thing is for certain he won't monopolise the conversation. 

FRASIER 

Or eat much one would presume. 

FRASIER GAZE STARTS TO WONDER ONTO SPANKEY AS SPANKEY'S EYES STARE RIGHT BACK AT HIM 

ALLISON 

I guess not except when I'm doing a show, look the other way and not notice that a small child has pushed a spoonful of jello down his throat. What are you staring at? 

FRASIER 

I just love his little outfit. 

ALLISON 

I'm not sure they'll be able to do one in your size but I could ask. Just for reference he also has a little sailors outfit. I heard your show today in the hospital cafeteria during my break. 

FRASIER 

Really? 

A LOUD SCREAM STARTS TO COME FROM THE KITCHEN WHICH OBVIOUSLY DISTRACTS EVERYONE IN THE RESTAURANT 

A BEAT 

ALLISON 

Well I heard your voice so you were either on the radio or stalking me. 

FRASIER 

Have you always wanted to be a ventriloquist? 

ALLISON 

Yes ever since I can remember. I guess it all started when... no I can't, it'll freak you out. 

FRASIER 

I'm sure it won't. The screaming from the kitchen and the violent waiters are but you never. 

ALLISON 

You don't even know me. 

FRASIER 

I'd like to. 

ALLISON 

Oh all right but I'm positive it'll freak you out. I grew up in a funeral parlour my father was a mortician. When no one was looking I used to sneak behind one of the bodies as they waited to have their ear or various other missing body parts sown back on, pull the bit of skin at the back of their necks so that their face would twitch and use them as a dummy. I used to do a little chat show like Johnny Carson except the audience, all imaginary had to guess how they died. I can tell from your face that you're horrified. But in my defence I was five and no one wanted to play with the kid who had dead people in her house and a Grandmother who used to shave the cat so it wouldn't get fleas. 

FRASIER 

Well it's a little concerning, but I used to play with my mother's lab rats so I can't really be too alarmed. 

ALLISON 

Oh my God! You're kidding! They're vermin! How could you? 

FRASIER 

Well you see I was only young and... 

ALLISON 

Frasier I'm joking. I played with dead bodies throughout my childhood. My sister and I used to play catch with a severed ear. Do you honestly think a rat is going to bother me? 

FRASIER 

Good because I'm sure I've just seen one run from the kitchen. 

A WOMAN AT THE NEXT TABLE SUDDENLY STANDS UP AND SHOUTS 

WOMAN 

This is raw! 

THE WAITER RUNS TO HER 

WAITER 

How can you tell you haven't bitten into any of the meat yet? 

WOMAN 

Because it's just got up and walked off my plate. 

FRASIER 

Come to think of it the reviews weren't the best for this restaurant or the health and safety record. 

ALLISON 

I think that rules out having crab. 

FRASIER 

I wouldn't recommend roast beef either in case it's still mooing on your plate. 

ALLISON 

How about we just get out of here? 

FRASIER 

I don't think we'll get into anywhere else at this time on a Friday night. 

ALLISON 

Then how about I cook you something at my place? 

FRASIER 

That sounds lovely. 

ALLISON 

I was actually talking to Spankey. 

FRASIER 

Oh I see, well... 

ALLISON 

Frasier I'm joking. 

AS THEY BOTH LAUGH AND STAND UP TO LEAVE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

TITLE CARD: "ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT?" 

FADE IN: 

INT. DAPHNE'S HOSPITAL ROOM — NIGHT — DAY/1   
(Nurse, Daphne, Niles, Woman, Man) 

DAPHNE LIES IN BED AS BEFORE WITH THE NURSE HELPING HER TO GET COMFY 

NURSE 

I'm sorry about having to move you but we needed that larger room for another patient so her husband could stay the night. 

DAPHNE 

It's fine, it makes no difference to me. Unless you're trying to trick me and this is actually the morgue. 

NURSE 

Oh no we won't make that mistake twice. It took us forever to thaw him out for his family to identify him. His daughter thought we'd tried to cryogenically freeze him until we found a cure. But that's not the first time that's happened. One poor mite didn't know there wasn't a cure for decapitation. I blame the manufacturers of those Barbie dolls. With a strong pair of pliers you can rip her head off, put it back on and she still has a smile on her face. 

DAPHNE 

You're joking. 

NURSE 

When we do it to doctors it's a joke but it's generally frowned on with patients and then we have lawyers crawling around everywhere asking questions and claiming they can see cockroaches in the operating theatres. Are you going to be okay? 

DAPHNE 

I hope so. 

NURSE 

Just buzz us if you need anything. 

THE NURSE EXITS AND SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND HER 

DAPHNE 

How about some anti-freeze and bug spray? 

RESET TO: 

INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES WALKS DOWN THE CORRIDOR VERY QUIETLY BUT ALSO QUICKLY SO AS NOT TO BE SEEN BY A NURSE. WHEN HE REACHES WHAT USED TO BE DAPHNE'S DOOR HE OPENS IT AND GENTLY SLIPS INSIDE 

RESET TO: 

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ONCE INSIDE THE PITCH BLACK ROOM NILES CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. HE THEN TIP TOES OVER TO THE BED THAT CAN JUST BE MADE OUT AS HAVING SOMEONE SLEEPING IN IT 

NILES 

Daphne 

THERE IS NO MOVEMENT 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Daphne it's me. 

NILES THEN MOVES AROUND TO THE FAR SIDE AFTER HIS CALL GOT NO RESPONSE, CAREFULLY CLIMBS ON TOP OF THE BED AND LIES ON THE EDGE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

I missed you. I can't sleep when you're not here. 

WOMAN 

What? 

THE FIGURE IN THE BED THEN REACHES ACROSS AND TURNS ON THE LIGHT REVEALING NILES SNUGGLING UP TO AN EXTREMELY SHOCKED LOOKING WOMAN WITH HER HUSBAND ASLEEP IN A CHAIR 

NILES 

Oh my God I'm so sorry. I thought you were someone else. I'd have never have climbed in had I seen your face. Not that I mean that you're unattractive with that scar. Not that I saw what you were like before. You're just not who I was looking for. 

THE WOMAN LOOKS AT NILES AND SCREAMS CAUSING HER HUSBAND TO WAKE UP WITH A START 

MAN 

What's going on? Get away from her you pervert. 

NILES 

I'm sorry. I was just leaving. 

NILES JUMPS OFF THE BED AND RUNS TOWARDS THE DOOR 

NILES (CONT'D) 

It'll never happen again. 

AS NILES EXITS AND RUNS DOWN THE CORRIDOR, THE MAN JUMPS UP AND CHASES AFTER HIM WHILE HIS WIFE CONTINUES TO SCREAM UNCONTROLLABLY 

MAN 

Come back here! 

RESET TO: 

INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES RUNS DOWN THE CORRIDOR IN HIS UNUSUAL FASHION UNTIL HE REACHES ANOTHER DOOR ON HIS RIGHT WHICH HE EXITS INTO AND SLAMS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM 

RESET TO: 

INT. DAPHNE'S HOSPITAL ROOM — CONTINUOUS

IN ANOTHER DARKENED ROOM NILES LEANS UP AGAINST THE DOOR AND GASPS FOR AIR 

DAPHNE 

Niles? 

NILES 

Daphne? 

DAPHNE TURNS ON THE LIGHT 

DAPHNE 

What are you doing here? 

NILES 

What am I doing here? What are you doing here? Why aren't you in that other room? 

MAN 

(OFF STAGE) Come back here you pervert! I'm going to slap you silly! 

NILES IMMEDIATELY SPRINTS AROUND TO THE FAR SIDE OF DAPHNE'S BED, JUMPS ON THE EDGE AND COVERS HIMSELF WITH THE COVERS. BEFORE DAPHNE CAN COMMENT AT ALL THE MAN ENTERS

MAN (CONT'D) 

Oh I'm sorry ma'am, I didn't realise there was someone in here. You haven't by any chance seen a man in a suit and a trench coat go by have you? 

DAPHNE THINKS FOR A MOMENT 

DAPHNE 

Kind of short, goony looking, receding hairline, running as if he's borrowed his body for the weekend and hasn't figured out how it works yet? 

MAN 

That's him. Some sort of park flasher if ever I've seen one. 

DAPHNE 

He went that way. 

MAN 

Thank you so much. 

THE MAN EXITS. ONCE THE DOOR IS SHUT NILES SPEAKS BUT STILL REMAINS WITH HIS HEAD UNDER THE COVERS 

NILES 

Has he gone yet? 

DAPHNE 

Unless he's hiding under someone else's covers. So are you going to tell me what's going on then or will I just read about it tomorrow in the newspaper? 

NILES PULLS THE COVERS FROM OFF HIS FACE 

NILES 

I may have accidentally climbed in bed with his sick wife. 

DAPHNE 

If I had a dollar for every time I heard that story. 

NILES 

Why didn't you phone me and tell me you'd moved rooms? 

DAPHNE 

I didn't expect you to come back tonight, but the way you're going you almost needed a bed all of your own and a new pancreas. What are you doing here? 

NILES 

I missed you. I can't sleep on my own anymore. It's like being married to Maris again. And I'm feeling incredibly guilty. 

DAPHNE 

I can never sleep either when you're not there. 

THEY KISS AS THE MAN RE-ENTERS AND SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM 

MAN 

You'll be sleeping with this fishes soon buddy. 

AS NILES JUMPS UP AND BACKS AWAY INTO THE CORNER WE: 

FADE OUT 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. ALLISON'S LIVING ROOM — NIGHT — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Allison, Woman) 

ALLISON AND FRASIER ENTER THE LIVING ROOM THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. THE APARTMENT COULD BE DESCRIBED AS A LESS EXPENSIVE VERSION OF FRASIER'S APARTMENT. ALLISON STILL CARRIES SPANKEY UNDER HER ARM 

FRASIER 

You have a lovely apartment. 

ALLISON 

Thank you. 

ALLISON SITS SPANKEY ON THE FIREPLACE 

FRASIER 

Are you going to leave Spankey there? 

ALLISON 

Yes I always keep him with me as company. He's a lot cleaner then a cat and doesn't leave if someone else feeds him. Actually in that respect he's an ideal substitute for a man. 

FRASIER 

Do you take him into every room with you? 

ALLISON 

I never take him into the bathroom if that's what you mean. I don't want to make his cheeks blush. And he's not that big he might fall down the toilet. 

FRASIER 

Do you take him into your bedroom with you? 

ALLISON 

Yes, he sits on my bedside table. 

FRASIER 

Even when you have...you know company. 

ALLISON 

You mean when I have a date over. 

FRASIER 

I hope you don't think I'm prying. 

ALLISON 

He doesn't join in Frasier. He's a puppet. If he did can you imagine where I'd have splinters. There's an explanation to my doctor that I don't particularly want to give. 

FRASIER 

Doesn't it bother you when it... 

ALLISON 

He. 

FRASIER 

Excuse me? 

ALLISON 

He's a he not an it. 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry. Doesn't it bother you when he stares at you? 

ALLISON 

No he's just a puppet. He stares but he doesn't see, he's just like large a hamster with Cateraxe. 

FRASIER 

Of course just a puppet. Have you never seen the Child's Play movies? 

ALLISON 

Spankey doesn't bother you does he? 

FRASIER 

No, no of course not. 

ALLISON 

Wait a second you've seen the Child's Play movies? 

FRASIER 

I have a teenage son. 

ALLISON 

Does he live with you? 

FRASIER 

No with his mother in Boston but I try to see him as much as I can. 

ALLISON 

I'll be right back let me just get the wine. 

ALLISON EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN AS FRASIER SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH 

FRASIER 

(TO SPANKEY) Stop staring at me. I won't hesitate in pulling your eyes out. I can handle a tiny dog but not some sort of possessed puppet watching my every move. 

ALLISON 

(OFF STAGE) Pardon? 

FRASIER 

I was just admiring your photo collection. 

SPANKEY'S HAND SLIPS OFF HIS LEG AND HITS THE EDGE OF THE FIRE PLACE WHICH CAUSES FRASIER TO JUMP 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Is any part of Spankey electronic? 

ALLISON 

(OFF STAGE) How do you mean? 

FRASIER 

Can he move on his own? 

ALLISON 

(OFF STAGE) No only when I put my hand inside him and giggle it about. 

FRASIER WALKS OVER TO SPANKEY AND PULLS HIS EYELIDS DOWN 

FRASIER 

Aha, now stare at me Spankey. 

FRASIER SITS BACK DOWN JUST AS SPANKEY'S EYES POP BACK OPEN AGAIN 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Damn it. 

FRASIER GETS BACK UP AND PICKS SPANKEY UP AS ALLISON ENTERS

ALLISON 

What are you doing? 

FRASIER 

He's so well made. 

FRASIER PUTS SPANKEY BACK BEFORE BOTH HE AND ALLISON SIT ON THE COUCH 

ALLISON 

Why do I feel as if I'm the third wheel and you're on a date with Spankey? 

FRASIER 

Well if you could leave us alone, I'd appreciate it. 

ALLISON 

Why isn't a guy like you fighting off women? 

FRASIER 

Bad luck and I guess...did he just move? 

ALLISON 

Would it make you feel better if I put him in his box? 

FRASIER 

Would you? 

ALLISON GETS UP AND PUTS SPANKEY IN A TRUNK THAT IS BY THE COUCH 

ALLISON 

Thank God he isn't real. 

FRASIER 

I'd have let you put air holes in the top. 

ALLISON 

Is that better? 

FRASIER 

Much. 

ALLISON 

I'll go and see what I have in the freezer to eat. 

ALLISON EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN. FRASIER SITS THERE FOR A MOMENT, TRYING REALLY HARD NOT TO LOOK AT THE TRUNK. IN THE END HE CAVES IN AND STARES AT IT NERVOUSLY. FRASIER SLOWLY GETS OFF THE COUCH AND MOVES TOWARDS THE TRUNK AS IF HE CAN HEAR SOMETHING INSIDE IT. AFTER A MOMENT HE PUTS HIS EAR ON THE TRUNK TO LISTEN 

SFX: KNOCK AT THE DOOR

FRASIER IMMEDIATELY JUMPS UP THINKING THAT THE KNOCKING WAS COMING FROM INSIDE THE TRUNK 

FRASIER 

Oh my God! 

ALLISON ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN 

ALLISON 

Frasier calm down it's the front door. 

FRASIER 

Of course it is. 

ALLISON 

What did you think it was? 

FRASIER 

A woodpecker stuck in the building. 

ALLISON OPENS THE DOOR AND A WOMAN ENTERS WITH A HAND FULL OF MAIL 

WOMAN 

Allison I got your mail again this morning by mistake. 

ALLISON 

Thanks. 

THE WOMAN EXITS AND ALLISON SHUTS THE DOOR AS FRASIER EDGES TOWARDS THE DOOR AWAY FROM THE TRUNK 

ALLISON (CONT'D) 

What are you doing? 

FRASIER 

It's getting a bit late I think we should call it a night. 

ALLISON 

What's the matter? 

FRASIER 

Nothing. 

ALLISON 

Would it help if I locked Spankey in the other room? 

FRASIER 

Would you mind? 

ALLISON 

A man's fear of an inanimate object? Of course not. 

ALLISON SMILES AT FRASIER BEFORE PICKING UP THE TRUNK AND EXITING INTO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. ALLISON'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

ALLISON ENTERS CARRYING THE TRUNK AND PLACES IT ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER BEFORE TURNING BACK TOWARDS THE DOOR 

ALLISON (CONT'D) 

I know what you're thinking Spankey but I think he's cute. 

AS ALLISON EXITS BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(F) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/2   
(Niles, Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Allison) 

MARTIN SITS IN HIS DRESSING GOWN IN HIS CHAIR READING THE PAPER AS NILES OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND ENTERS CARRYING AN OVERNIGHT BAG FOLLOWED BY DAPHNE HOBBLING WITH A CANE 

NILES 

And look who's home. 

DAPHNE 

Niles I've spent one night in the hospital not six years in the trenches sleeping on my gun and eating mud. Although that would certainly be preferable to that hospital food. That porridge was like puréed dead dog. 

NILES HELPS DAPHNE SIT DOWN ON THE COUCH 

MARTIN 

How are you feeling Daph? 

DAPHNE 

I'm fine. My foot is still sore but other then that I'm okay. 

MARTIN 

Well it's certainly good to have you back. 

DAPHNE 

I'm not making you breakfast so forget it. 

MARTIN 

That's not what I was thinking. 

DAPHNE 

Or coffee. 

FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM 

FRASIER 

Daphne welcome home. 

DAPHNE 

Good morning Dr. Crane. 

FRASIER 

Can I get you a coffee? 

NILES 

It's okay I'll get her one. 

NILES PRACTICALLY SPRINTS AND EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

I wish he'd move that fast when I want pork rinds. 

DAPHNE 

He's feeling guilty and insisting on doing everything for me. I had to fight him to let me clean my own teeth this morning. And before you think about it, you are not to take advantage of him old man. 

NILES RE-ENTERS AND SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH 

NILES 

You don't look entirely comfy there Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

I'm fine honestly. 

NILES 

Even so I think you might be more comfortable in bed. 

DAPHNE 

I think I'd have been more comfortable letting that moth attack you. At least that way the only injuries I'd have would have been from laughing. 

NILES HELPS DAPHNE ONTO HER FEET AND TOWARDS HER ROOM 

NILES 

Will you let me take care of you? 

DAPHNE 

I'm fine. 

MARTIN 

You can take care of me. 

NILES 

I'm not cooking you breakfast. 

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT INTO HER ROOM 

SFX: DOORBELL

MARTIN 

If it was up to the people who live in this apartment I'd starve to death. 

FRASIER MAKES HIS WAY OVER TO THE FRONT DOOR 

FRASIER 

And you just won't take the hint will you? 

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND ALLISON ENTERS ONCE AGAIN CARRYING SPANKEY BUT THIS TIME IN HIS TRUNK 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Allison! Hello, what are you doing here? 

ALLISON 

I'm not interrupting anything am I? 

FRASIER 

Not at all. Come in. I see you've brought Spankey. 

ALLISON 

Yeah it's just habit now taking him everywhere with me. You should see me when I try to shower at the gym. People give me the strangest looks. Anyone would think I was eating ants. 

FRASIER 

Allison may I introduce you to my father Martin Crane. Dad this is Allison. 

ALLISON PUTS THE TRUNK DOWN BY THE COFFEE TABLE BEFORE WALKING OVER TO MARTIN TO SHAKE HIS HAND 

ALLISON 

It's a pleasure to meet you. 

MARTIN 

Yeah you too. 

FRASIER 

And before you ask, no she isn't going to cook you breakfast. 

MARTIN GLARES AT FRASIER BEFORE GETTING UP AND EXITING INTO THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Well this is certainly a pleasant surprise. 

ALLISON 

But I can't stay. I've just popped by on my way to the airport. My sister has been taken sick. 

FRASIER 

I hope it isn't serious. 

ALLISON 

No she'll be fine. It just involved nudity and a horse. Nothing life threatening just reputation threatening like the time she got her tongue stuck to an ice sculpture of the David but I still want to go and see her, so I thought I'd better tell you before I left. I wouldn't want you to think that I was abandoning you after one date. 

FRASIER 

When will you be back? 

ALLISON 

On Friday. Maybe we could meet for dinner when I get back? 

FRASIER 

I'd love to. 

MARTIN RE-ENTERS WITH THE COFFEE TRAY 

ALLISON 

I'll call you when I get back. Bye. Goodbye Mr. Crane. 

MARTIN 

Bye. 

FRASIER 

Goodbye, have a safe journey. 

ALLISON EXITS AND FRASIER SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND HER 

MARTIN 

Where's she going? 

FRASIER 

To see her sister. 

MARTIN 

(RE: TRUNK) What's that? 

FRASIER 

Oh my God, she left Spankey. 

FRASIER QUICKLY PICKS UP THE TRUNK AND OPENS THE FRONT DOOR TRYING TO CATCH ALLISON BUT IT'S TOO LATE SHE'S ALREADY IN THE ELEVATOR. FRASIER CLOSES THE DOOR AGAIN BEFORE LOOKING DOWN AT THE TRUNK 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Then you'll have to stay here. 

FRASIER HEADS TOWARDS HIS BEDROOM 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Oh stop staring at me. I know you're doing it. 

AS FRASIER EXITS AS MARTIN SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS AT HIM WE: 

FADE OUT 

(G) 

TITLE CARD: "YOU WERE ALWAYS ON MY MIND?" 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S BEDROOM — NIGHT — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Niles, Eddie) 

FRASIER IS LYING IN BED ON HIS SIDE WITH HIS EYES OPEN. SPANKEY IS SITTING ON THE DRESSER ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE OF THE ROOM POSITIONED SO THAT HE LOOKS AS IF HE IS STARING AT FRASIER. 

FRASIER 

I know you're looking at me but it doesn't bother me. I couldn't care less if you stare at me all night. 

FRASIER CONTINUES TO LIE WITH HIS BACK TO SPANKEY ALTHOUGH HIS EYES KEEP MOVING UP DESPERATE TO SEE IF THE PUPPET IS STARING AT HIM. FRASIER THEN LETS OUT A HUGE SIGH AND PULLS HIS SHEET OVER HIS HEAD. HE STAYS LIKE THAT FOR A MOMENT BEFORE PULLING IT BACK OFF HIS HEAD AND GETTING OUT OF BED AND WALKING OVER TO SPANKEY. FRASIER PUTS HIS HANDS OVER SPANKEY'S EYES AND PULLS HIS EYELIDS DOWN. SATISFIED FRASIER GETS BACK INTO BED AND LIES DOWN FACING AWAY FROM SPANKEY AGAIN BEFORE CLOSING HIS EYES. STILL WITH HIS EYES CLOSED FRASIER ROLLS OVER TO FACE SPANKEY TRYING TO GET COMFORTABLE BEFORE OPENING HIS EYES AGAIN TO LOOK ONE MORE TIME AT SPANKEY. FRASIER GASPS AS HE SEES THAT SPANKEY'S EYES ARE OPEN AGAIN. FRASIER JUMPS OUT OF BED AND PICKS UP SPANKEY AND TURNS HIM UPSIDE DOWN. HE LOOKS UNDERNEATH HIM AND ON HIS BACK FOR SOME SORT OF BATTERY PANEL. 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Fine, then it's a night in the box for you. 

FRASIER OPENS SPANKEY'S TRUNK BY THE END OF HIS BED AND PUTS HIM INSIDE. ONCE AGAIN SATISFIED FRASIER GETS BACK INTO BED AND CLOSES HIS EYES. HE LIES LIKE THAT FOR A MOMENT BEFORE SUDDENLY BOLTING UPRIGHT IN HIS BED. HE GETS BACK OUT AND PUTS HIS DRESSING GOWN ON BEFORE PICKING UP SPANKEY'S TRUNK AND EXITS OUT THROUGH HIS BEDROOM DOOR. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER ENTERS INTO THE LIVING ROOM STILL CARRYING THE TRUNK AND LEANS IT UP AGAINST THE ISLAND. HE THEN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER ENTERS THE KITCHEN, GETS A GLASS FROM THE CUPBOARD BEFORE FILLING IT FULL OF WATER AND THEN EXITING BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER ENTERS DRINKING FROM HIS WATER AND STOPS BY THE DOOR LOOKING AT THE TRUNK. HE THEN GOES TO WALK STRAIGHT PAST IT ON HIS WAY BACK TO HIS ROOM BEFORE HE STOPS BY THE COAT PEG AND TURNS BACK AROUND. HE PUTS HIS GLASS ON THE ISLAND BEFORE PICKING THE TRUNK BACK UP AND PUSHING IT INTO THE KITCHEN. ONCE AGAIN FEELING SATISFIED WITH HIMSELF FRASIER EXITS BACK TOWARDS HIS ROOM LEAVING HIS GLASS ON THE ISLAND. AS FRASIER DISAPPEARS DOWN THE CORRIDOR NILES ENTERS FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM WEARING HIS DRESSING GOWN. HE RATHER GROGGILY RUBS HIS EYES AND MAKES HIS WAY TO THE KITCHEN AND EXITS. 

NILES 

(OFF STAGE) Ouch! 

NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN CARRYING SPANKEY'S TRUNK AND RUBBING HIS SHIN. HE CARRIES THE TRUNK TO THE COFFEE TABLE, PUTS IT DOWN AND THEN OPENS IT. HE STARES IN THE TRUNK FOR A MOMENT, PROBABLY NOT REALLY BELIEVING WHAT IS IN THERE BECAUSE HE'S TIRED BEFORE PICKING SPANKEY UP. 

NILES (CONT'D) 

What's Frasier doing with a puppet? 

NILES WALKS TO THE ISLAND AND PLACES SPANKEY ON IT, MAKING HIM SIT UP LEANING ON THE POLE. NILES THEN SMILES TO HIMSELF BEFORE EXITING INTO THE KITCHEN AND EMERGING MOMENTS LATER WITH A GLASS OF WATER. HE THEN EXITS BACK TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM. AFTER A BRIEF MOMENT FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM LOOKING FOR HIS WATER WHEN HE SEES SPANKEY SITTING THERE ONCE AGAIN STARING IN HIS GENERAL DIRECTION AND SHOUTS 

FRASIER 

Oh my God! 

FRASIER THEN RATHER FRANTICALLY GRABS SPANKEY PUTS HIM BACK IN HIS TRUNK LOCKING THE CATCHES ALONG THE EDGE THIS TIME BEFORE OPENING THE BALCONY DOOR AND PUSHES THE TRUNK OUT THERE. FRASIER THEN GOES TO THE DESK BY THE KITCHEN, GETS A SET OF KEYS OUT AND THEN LOCKS THE BALCONY DOOR AND EDDIE ENTERS AND JUMPS ON THE COUCH 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Now try and stare at me. 

FRASIER TURNS AROUND AND EDDIE IS SITTING ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH STARING AT HIM. FRASIER GLARES AT HIM 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

I wasn't talking to you. 

AS FRASIER PICKS UP HIS GLASS AND EXITS BACK TOWARDS HIS ROOM WE: 

FADE OUT 

(H) 

TITLE CARD: "LADY IN BED" 

FADE IN: 

INT. DAPHNE'S ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/3   
(Daphne, Roz, Niles, Frasier, Martin, Eddie) 

DAPHNE LIES IN BED READING A MAGAZINE. THE ROOM IS FULL OF BALLOONS, CARDS AND A GET WELL SOON BANNER 

SFX: KNOCK ON THE DOOR

DAPHNE 

Who is it? 

ROZ 

(OFF STAGE) It's Roz. Is now not a good time? Niles isn't in there is he? Oh my God what are you two doing? 

DAPHNE 

No come in. 

ROZ ENTERS AND SHUTS THE DOOR BEHIND HER 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Lock the door. 

ROZ LOCKS THE DOOR 

ROZ 

What's the matter? 

DAPHNE 

I'm trying to keep Niles out and so far threats to install an electric fence outside my door have fallen on deaf ears. 

ROZ 

Why? Trying to have his wicked way while you can't run away? That seems to be Frasier's idea of a perfect date. 

DAPHNE 

Oh I wish, I wouldn't be complaining about that. He's just smothering me. 

ROZ 

He's trying to kill you? After you defended him against a moth? 

DAPHNE 

He won't leave me alone. Yes I understand that he's feeling guilty even though I've told him that there is no need to but it's getting ridiculous. Everywhere I turn, there he is. It's like he's stalking me. 

ROZ 

Isn't that going to be pretty much what it's like when you're married? 

DAPHNE 

Well yes but I currently don't have an escape. I love him to bits but if he won't let me put my own jumper on soon I may make him swallow it. 

ROZ 

Why what's he doing? 

DAPHNE 

I don't think he's sleeping. I keep waking up and he's sitting over there staring at me in case I want anything. Yesterday he tried to feed me some soup and this morning he was trying to comb my hair. 

ROZ 

Can't you escape down to Nervosa for a couple of hours? Your foot isn't that bad is it? 

DAPHNE 

I wouldn't be able to drive but I'd get down there some how. 

ROZ 

Then why don't you? 

DAPHNE 

I can't get out of the room. 

ROZ 

He hasn't strapped you to the bed has he? 

DAPHNE 

I'm being guarded. 

ROZ 

By who? 

DAPHNE 

Take a look out the door. 

ROZ OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL EDDIE SITTING OPPOSITE IT. HE STARTS TO BARK VERY LOUDLY 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

I'm not going anywhere! Bad dog! I'll let you drink out of my toilet if you just shut up! 

NILES ENTERS RUNNING 

NILES 

What's going on? What do you need? 

DAPHNE 

A deer rifle and a body bag. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN IS AS USUAL SITTING IN HIS CHAIR WATCHING THE TELEVISION AS FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM AND SITS ON THE COUCH 

FRASIER 

Dad can I talk to you about something. 

MARTIN 

Sure. 

FRASIER 

It's about Spankey. 

MARTIN 

Hold on right there, I don't want to know what Spankey is. Let's just forget this ever happened. 

FRASIER 

It's the puppet. 

MARTIN 

I told you I didn't want to hear! 

FRASIER 

(POINTING TO THE TRUNK) That puppet. 

MARTIN 

Oh right. What's wrong with it? 

ROZ ENTERS FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM AND SITS AT THE TABLE 

ROZ 

Niles is seriously starting to obsess over Daphne. 

FRASIER 

I'll tell you later. 

ROZ 

Tell him what later? 

MARTIN 

Something about a puppet. 

FRASIER 

Do you really think that if I wanted Roz to hear I would have said I'd tell you later? 

ROZ 

What's wrong with the puppet? 

FRASIER 

Oh all right fine, I'm thinking of breaking up with Allison over it. 

MARTIN 

Why? You've done nothing but talk about how much you like her since you met her. After one date you've had that spring in your step again like Eddie before we had him fixed. 

FRASIER 

I have a problem with her puppet. 

ROZ 

What sort of problem? It hasn't started to hit on you has it? 

FRASIER 

He just freaks me out, all he does is stare at me. 

MARTIN 

It's a puppet. 

FRASIER 

It's scary! 

ROZ 

It's a puppet! 

FRASIER 

An obviously possessed puppet. 

MARTIN 

Are you seriously going to break up with her over this? 

FRASIER 

It's frightening. 

ROZ 

So are you. 

AS MARTIN AND ROZ BOTH ROLL THEIR EYES AT FRASIER WE: 

FADE OUT 

(I) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/4   
(Allison, Frasier, Waiter) 

FRASIER SITS IN NERVOSA WITH THE TRUNK CONTAINING SPANKEY NEXT TO THE TABLE ON THE FLOOR AS ALLISON ENTERS

ALLISON 

Hi Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Hi. How is your sister? 

ALLISON 

She's fine; I can't say the same for the horse. He'll never build himself up to a gallop again. 

FRASIER 

Well that's traumatising to hear. 

A WAITER APPROACHES THEIR TABLE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

I've brought you Spankey. 

WAITER 

I'll come back in a moment. 

THE WAITER MOVES AWAY 

ALLISON 

Did you take good care of him? 

FRASIER 

Of course I did, we got on like a house on fire. 

ALLISON 

You didn't lock him in his trunk at all did you? 

FRASIER 

Of course not. I couldn't do that to him. We really bonded. 

ALLISON 

So what have you been up to this last week? 

FRASIER 

Allison I have to be honest about this. I'm not someone to hide my feelings. I don't think this is going to work. 

ALLISON 

We've been out once. Was it really that hideous? 

FRASIER 

No I had a lovely time. 

ALLISON 

It was the dead body story wasn't it? I told you it would freak you out, it always does. 

THE WAITER WALKS BACK OVER TO THEIR TABLE 

FRASIER 

Okay I'll be honest it's Spankey. 

WAITER 

And I see you're still not ready. 

THE WAITER WALKS AWAY AGAIN 

ALLISON 

Spankey? What's wrong with Spankey? He's my livelihood; it's what I do. 

FRASIER 

I have a problem with the way he looks at me. 

ALLISON 

He's a puppet. 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry but he freaks me out. No matter where I go he's staring at me. 

ALLISON 

Spankey freaks you out. 

FRASIER 

He's scary. 

ALLISON 

Once again I feel compelled to say he's a puppet. 

FRASIER 

I know it's stupid but I can't help it. I don't feel comfortable. 

ALLISON 

Are you asking me to choose between you and Spankey? 

FRASIER 

I don't want it to end and you can't give up your job. 

ALLISON 

Then you know what you have to do. 

FRASIER 

I don't think there's any sort of shot I can get. 

ALLISON 

I have an idea. 

AS ALLISON BEGINS TO EXPLAIN TO FRASIER WE: 

FADE OUT 

(J) 

FADE IN: 

INT. DAPHNE'S BEDROOM — EVENING — DAY/4   
(Niles, Daphne, Martin, Frasier) 

DAPHNE LIES IN BED READING A MAGAZINE TRYING NOT TO NOTICE NILES WHO IS PERCHED ON A CHAIR NEXT TO THE BED WATCHING HER EVERY MOVE 

NILES 

Can I get you anything? 

DAPHNE 

No I'm fine thank you. 

A BEAT 

NILES 

How about now? 

DAPHNE 

I'm still fine. 

NILES 

Are you sure? 

DAPHNE 

That I really want to strangle you, yes I am sure. Come here and put your neck in my hands. 

NILES 

Am I bothering you? 

DAPHNE 

It's so hard to tell. 

NILES 

Let me fluff your pillows. 

DAPHNE 

They're fine. 

DAPHNE GOES TO PUT THE MAGAZINE ON HER BEDSIDE TABLE AS NILES IMMEDIATELY JUMPS UP TO HELP 

NILES 

Oh let me put that down for you. 

DAPHNE 

Niles we need to talk. 

NILES 

This doesn't sound good. 

DAPHNE 

I don't want you to take this the wrong way honey but sod off before I pull your leg off and attempt to beat you to death with it. 

NILES 

I don't think that there's a right way to take that. 

DAPHNE 

Niles I love you but you're suffocated me. 

NILES 

Did I attack you with my pillow again? 

DAPHNE 

I know you're feeling guilty about what happened but you really can't do everything for me otherwise I'm going to go insane. And if I go I'm taking you with me. 

NILES 

This is the only way I can protect you. I can't even defend you against a tiny moth. 

DAPHNE 

To be fair neither can I without hurting myself. And what are you talking about you take care of me all the time. 

NILES 

Throwing out a bad wine before you've had chance to taste it and destroy your palate before your meal is not really defending you. 

DAPHNE 

Niles you always make sure that I'm okay, you never accept anything other then the best for me, and more importantly you're always there for me when I need you. But you really need to let me go to the bathroom on my own. 

NILES 

Put a spider in there and that's not a problem. 

DAPHNE KISSES HIM 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN IS EATING AT THE DINNING ROOM TABLE AS FRASIER ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR CARRYING A TRUNK 

MARTIN 

Did you break it off with Allison? 

FRASIER 

Not really. 

MARTIN 

You're going to see her again? 

FRASIER 

That all depends. 

MARTIN 

On what? 

FRASIER 

On how well I bond. 

MARTIN 

With what? 

FRASIER 

Spankey. Oh stop staring at me. 

AS FRASIER EXITS TOWARDS HIS ROOM WITH THE TRUNK WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER PLACES SPANKEY ON A SHELF IN HIS ROOM FACING HIS BED. HE STARES AT HIM FOR A MOMENT STILL UNCOMFORTABLE ABOUT THE WAY HE LOOKS AT HIM BEFORE EXITING INTO THE BATHROOM. EDDIE THEN ENTERS AND JUMPS UP TO SIT NEXT TO SPANKEY. WHEN FRASIER ENTERS BACK INTO HIS BEDROOM HE'S FACED WITH FOUR EYES STARING DIRECTLY AT HIM. FRASIER THEN RUNS TOWARDS EDDIE WHICH CAUSES HIM TO JUMP DOWN AND EXIT FROM HIS ROOM 


	17. Episode Seventeen

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_This one was done in the spirit of one of my favourite episodes 'The Dinner Party', one of my favourites not just because you can yell "suspenders!" all the way through the episode. _

_Gillian I wrote this before you told me about the pigeons. _

_This will be the last time I post for a few weeks because I'm going on holiday so a mailbox full of feedback when I get back would be nice, but maybe that's asking too much, let's just aim for a single piece of feedback this week. Please send all comments, coupons for ferrets and orange peel to kelly_simba@hotmail.com _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Nine Episode Seventeen   
Another Steakout 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: "THEY'RE OBVIOUSLY FROM OUTER SPACE" 

FADE IN: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR — AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Daphne, Martin, Officer Elliot, Officer Ripley, Roz, Frasier, Niles, Eddie) 

DAPHNE STANDS IN THE ELEVATOR GOING UP HOLDING A PIE IN ONE HAND AND EDDIE'S LEASH IN THE OTHER. EDDIE SITS AT HER FEET STARRING AT THE PIE INTENSELY 

DAPHNE 

You can look at this pie all you like but you're not having any. You stand more chance of having children and after that little trip to the vets and a quick snip snip action that doesn't seem like a possibility any more. Although you still seem to do pretty well with one or two of Dr. Crane's sweaters. It's not likely not even if we attempted to staple them back on although why on earth Mr. Crane would keep such a thing under the sink so that we'd actually be able to do that I'm not even going to question. It must be an elderly thing. I never found out why old Mrs. Hamshum used to keep tadpoles in an ice cube tray. I'm just glad she never noticed when I gave them to her by mistake. I just hope Dr. Crane never finds them and mistakes them for something else. Tiny meatballs maybe. 

EDDIE STARTS TO CRY AFTER THE PIE 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Do I cry after your dog food? Do I try to steal some from under your nose? Okay maybe that's a bad example, cow entrails have never been exactly appealing to me. 

EDDIE STARTS TO BARK AT DAPHNE 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

No! Now stop whining. You're not having any. 

THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN AND DAPHNE AND EDDIE EXIT

RESET TO: 

INT. 19TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE AND EDDIE STEP OUT OF THE ELEVATOR. AS DAPHNE GOES TO GET HER KEYS OUT OF HER BAG SHE LOOSES HER GRIP ON THE PIE AND IT FALLS TO THE FLOOR 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Oops. 

EDDIE IMMEDIATELY POUNCES ON THE PIE AND TRIES TO EAT AS MUCH AS HE CAN 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Get away! Get away! 

DAPHNE SHOOS EDDIE AWAY AND PICKS UP THE PIE. ALL OF THE TOP IS BROKEN AND A LARGE PIECE OF CRUST IS MISSING 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Well you're not having any more then that. Do you think they'll notice? Oh what the hell I'll cover it up with ice cream. 

DAPHNE OPENS UP THE FRONT DOOR AND EXITS INSIDE ALONG WITH EDDIE

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

THERE ARE TWO POLICE OFFICERS, OFFICER ELLIOT, A MAN IN HIS LATE TWENTIES, AND OFFICER RIPLEY, A WOMAN IN HER EARLY FORTIES, SITTING BY THE WINDOW WITH SEVERAL CAMERAS AND A COUPLE OF SETS OF BINOCULARS AS WELL AS MARTIN'S TELESCOPE. MARTIN STANDS BEHIND THEM AS DAPHNE AND EDDIE ENTER. DAPHNE TAKES EDDIE'S LEASH OFF AS MARTIN APPROACHES HER 

MARTIN 

Hi Daph. 

DAPHNE 

(EXTREMELY DEFENSIVELY AND WITHOUT TAKING A SINGLE BREATH) Nothing happened. He's licking his lips because he ate a bug in the elevator that's all. I don't know what kind of bug it was. Fine it was fat and stripey and rubbed it's back legs together. I didn't conduct an interview with it before he ate it. He never touched the pie. There's nothing wrong with it. I said there was nothing wrong. My God what is this twenty questions? 

DAPHNE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

Her coffee was a little strong this morning. 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

I figured. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN LOOKING RATHER CONFUSED AFTER HAVING JUST REGISTERED THAT THE POLICE ARE THERE 

DAPHNE 

Mr. Crane can I have a word with you in the kitchen please. 

MARTIN 

Sure. I'll be right back. 

DAPHNE AND MARTIN EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE AND MARTIN ENTER INTO THE KITCHEN. DAPHNE LOOKS OUT THE DOOR TO CHECK IF THE POLICE ARE LISTENING 

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

What's up? 

DAPHNE 

Do you know there are two Police officers in the living room pressed up against the window? They look like Wyle E. Coyote after he's run into a mountain chasing after the Roadrunner. 

MARTIN 

Gee really? Where? I must have missed them. 

DAPHNE 

Oh all right old man so you do know. What are they doing here? 

MARTIN 

Baking bread what do you think? They're on a stakeout. 

DAPHNE 

In our living room? 

MARTIN 

They're watching a guy in the building opposite. 

DAPHNE 

Does Dr. Crane know about this? 

MARTIN 

Not yet. But what's he going to say? No? 

DAPHNE 

Who are they watching? 

MARTIN 

Some serial thief. The Critter thief off the news, you know the guy who leaves a dead racoon as his calling card at all the places he's robbed. Come and look. 

MARTIN AND DAPHNE EXIT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN AND DAPHNE ENTER AND WALK OVER TO THE WINDOW. OFFICER ELLIOT MOVES OFF HIS SEAT TO LET DAPHNE LOOK THROUGH THE TELESCOPE 

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

Can you see him? 

DAPHNE 

I can see a pigeon. 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

Unless it's a man in a pigeon suit no. To the right of the pigeons. It's the guy who looks like old, bloated Elvis if he'd been hit in the face with a frying pan a few times and given a really bad perm. And I mean really bad. The kind you'd sue over. 

DAPHNE 

Dear God look at that! 

MARTIN 

Yeah we know he's practically bursting out of his jump suit. He did try to staple it shut but it burst right open again. 

DAPHNE 

No I mean there's a man cleaning a hatchet in the next window along from the pigeon that's gnawing his own leg. (COMPLETELY LOOSING SIGHT OF THE POINT) What's he doing that for? If he gnaws that one off he'll fall over. 

DAPHNE MOVES OUT OF THE WAY AND LETS OFFICER ELLIOT LOOK BACK THROUGH THE TELESCOPE 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

Where? That's a spatula not a hatchet. 

DAPHNE 

Oh well it's an easy mistake to make. 

SFX: DOORBELL

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

I'll get it. 

DAPHNE CROSSES TO THE FRONT DOOR AND OPENS IT AS ROZ ENTERS

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Hello Roz. 

ROZ 

Hi Daph...(NOTICING THE POLICE) can I speak to you in the kitchen right now. 

ROZ GRABS DAPHNE BY THE ARM AND LEADS HER RATHER HURRIEDLY INTO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER INTO THE KITCHEN 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Who is that Cop and what is he doing in your living room? 

DAPHNE 

I'm not sure what his name is. They're here on a stakeout. 

ROZ 

He can stakeout me anytime. (DISGUSTED) What's that smell? 

DAPHNE 

I'm cooking a roast for Easter. I just fancied having a traditional Easter Sunday dinner like I used to as a child. Only this one won't end with bloodshed, a four-alarm fire and my brother's so drunk they mistake one of the kitchen cupboards as the toilet. I'll never eat fruitcake again. There's plenty if you'd like to join us. 

ROZ 

I don't know I should really... 

DAPHNE 

The Police are probably going to be here all day. Again like an Easter Sunday back home. 

ROZ 

Give me a place closest to the window I'm going to do my hair. 

ROZ AND DAPHNE EXIT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER INTO THE LIVING ROOM. ROZ IMMEDIATELY RUNS AND EXITS TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM AS DAPHNE MAKES HER WAY BACK OVER TO THE WINDOW 

DAPHNE 

Has there been any action yet? 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

Other then he took a shower without closing the door which wasn't a pretty sight and shaving his chest with what looked like the blade from a pencil sharpener, no. How has this guy never been committed? 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

The pigeons have been more interesting so far. 

DAPHNE 

I don't trust pigeons. 

MARTIN 

Have you lent them money in the past? 

DAPHNE 

No I mean they're genetically engineered by the government. 

MARTIN 

What? 

DAPHNE 

Have you ever seen a baby pigeon? I don't think so. They can't all be born that size, so therefore the government has genetically engineered them all. For what purpose I haven't yet discovered. I suspect it's some way to monitor everyone instead of having us all electronically tagged. And don't even get me started on where cows come from. I have an udder theory all of my own. 

DAPHNE EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

Trust me she's harmless. And if I'm wrong I have a cane to protect myself. 

RESET TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND NILES STAND IN THE ELEVATOR GOING UP EACH HOLDING A SMALL WINE BAG 

NILES 

I think you should at least have owned up. 

FRASIER 

You did it as well. 

NILES 

I'd already bought a bottle and exited the store before I realised their pricing error. 

FRASIER 

I didn't know either. 

NILES 

I was giving you signals through the glass. Why else would I go like this in a public place? 

NILES GESTURES QUITE WILDLY 

NILES (CONT'D) 

I wasn't trying to back an aeroplane in. 

FRASIER 

Those were signals? It looked as if you were having an epileptic fit. The store clerk nearly phoned for an ambulance before I assured them you just needed to take your medication and remove the ferret from your trousers. 

NILES 

My phone was vibrating in my trouser pocket. You try not dancing around when that happens. This obviously shows what I meant. 

NILES GESTURES AGAIN 

FRASIER 

It looks as if you're trying to fly. 

NILES 

All right then Mr. king of charades, how would you have done it? 

FRASIER ALSO STARTS TO GESTURE QUITE WILDLY 

NILES (CONT'D) 

You look like you want to grope me. Stand over that side of the elevator please and put your hands in your pockets. 

FRASIER STARTS TO GESTURE AGAIN 

FRASIER 

This is a bottle of wine and this is the sign for a price mistake, oh never mind its their mistake not ours. But to be on the safe side we'd best stay away from the wine shop for the next few weeks. 

THE ELEVATOR DOOR OPENS AND FRASIER AND NILES EXIT

RESET TO: 

INT. 19TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND NILES ENTER INTO THE CORRIDOR BEFORE FRASIER TAKES OUT HIS KEYS, OPENS THE DOOR AND THEY BOTH EXIT INSIDE 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

EVERYONE IS AS BEFORE AS FRASIER AND NILES ENTER. THEY LOOK AT THE POLICE WILL GUILT 

NILES 

Fine I'll just return the wine there's no need to arrest us. 

FRASIER 

What's going on? When I threw that bucket of water over the balcony onto the construction workers I had no idea it was hot water. 

MARTIN 

Frasier... 

FRASIER 

Oh all right boiling. But how was I to know there would be boiling water in the teakettle? And they were the people in the wrong I was just trying to get some sleep. 

MARTIN 

They're here on a stakeout. You know the Critter jewel thief that's been on the news. He's moved into that building over there. 

ONCE AGAIN OFFICER ELLIOT MOVES OUT OF THE WAY SO THAT FRASIER CAN SEE THROUGH THE TELESCOPE 

FRASIER 

I see. Although I certainly didn't need to see that. Isn't there anyway you could get him to fasten up his jump suit? 

FRASIER MOVES AWAY FROM THE TELESCOPE AND HANGS UP HIS COAT 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

So how long are you going to be here? 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

It could be hours. It could be days. We know he's going to pack up and move at some point. He's put a couple of fresh racoons by the front door. Although he did take them out of the freezer, he might just be thawing him out. Either way if he invites you to a dinner party you might be advised to turn the invitation down. 

MARTIN 

The guys at the station okayed it with me before they came down here. 

NILES 

You know what I said earlier about the wine was just a joke. 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

Okay. I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. 

MARTIN 

Trust me, none of us ever know. 

FRASIER 

Since you seem to be our guests can I ask what your names are? 

MARTIN 

This is Officer Elliot and Officer Ripley. 

NILES STARTS TO SMELL THE AIR WITH DISTASTE 

NILES 

What is that smell? 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN 

DAPHNE 

It's my roast. 

NILES 

(OBVIOUSLY LYING) It's heavenly. 

NILES AND DAPHNE KISS 

DAPHNE 

Did you pick up some wine for dinner? 

FRASIER HANDS DAPHNE THE SMALL BAG. FRASIER, NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER, NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER INTO THE KITCHEN. DAPHNE QUICKLY HIDES THE PIE IN THE REFRIGERATOR 

FRASIER 

We did. You know Daphne you didn't need to go to all this trouble. We could have just made a sandwich or gone out to dinner. 

DAPHNE 

But it's Easter Sunday and we're going to celebrate it in the right way. 

NILES 

By having Police sitting in the living room? 

NILES GOES TO STEAL A PIECE OF MARZIPAN OFF THE TOP OF A CAKE ON THE COUNTER. DAPHNE SLAPS HIS HAND BEFORE HE CAN 

DAPHNE 

Get your hand off that! That's my Seminole cake. Each ball represents a different disciple. Except for Judas and then it's chef's privilege to eat him. 

FRASIER OPENS UP THE OVEN AND STARES WORRIEDLY INSIDE 

FRASIER 

Does this look a little dry to you Daphne? 

DAPHNE 

It's fine. Who likes really moist beef anyway? 

FRASIER 

When I actually say dry I really mean burned. There appears to be a tiny flame developing on the right hand side. 

DAPHNE 

That's just the glaze I've put on it. 

DAPHNE EXITS INTO THE LIVING ROOM AS ROZ ENTERS IN ONE OF DAPHNE'S LOW CUT DRESSES WITH HER HAIR DONE AS NICE AS SHE COULD IN THE TIME 

FRASIER 

Roz. What are you doing here all dressed up? 

OFFICER ELLIOT ENTERS AND LOOKS STRAIGHT AT ROZ 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

Can I get a glass of water please? 

ROZ 

Sure, I'll bring it out to you. 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

Thanks you're an angel. 

OFFICER ELLIOT EXITS BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM 

FRASIER 

Ah I see. 

NILES 

She could smell fresh meat and came to devourer. Did Daphne tell you he was here or did you just pick up the scent? 

FRASIER 

You do know he's working Roz. 

ROZ 

He can't flirt and look at a guy at the same time? 

NILES 

Well some men can but then they're not the kind to ask you out to dinner Roz. They're more likely to give you beauty tips. 

ROZ 

Look at him he's so pretty. How can I let him know that I'm interested in him without coming on to him like a total slut? Did you just laugh? 

NILES 

No I'm too scared to. 

FRASIER 

Oh I think that boat's already sailed Roz. You've got a dress on that looks more like a belt and you've got your breasts tapped to your chin. All that's left is for you to slingshot your underwear at him. 

ROZ 

Do you think that would really work? 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

THE TWO POLICE OFFICERS AND MARTIN ARE AS BEFORE WITH DAPHNE SETTING THE TABLE AS FRASIER AND NILES ENTER

OFFICER RIPLEY 

So what made you retire Marty? 

MARTIN 

I was shot in the hip breaking up a robbery. 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

Oh that's right. I've heard the older guys talk about you down at the station. 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

Martin Crane? Hey I just thought of something. That makes you Frasier Crane right? 

FRASIER 

Yes I am. 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

You know Allison Richards right? 

FRASIER 

Yes that's right. We've been kind of dating. 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

She's a friend of mine, I've heard all about you. 

FRASIER 

Only good things I hope. 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

Is it true that you were scared of her puppet? 

AS FRASIER SIGHS ROZ STICKS HER HEAD OUT FROM THE KITCHEN 

ROZ 

Daphne come here. 

ROZ DISAPPEARS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN AS DAPHNE FOLLOWS HER 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

ROZ IS LOOKING THROUGH TO THE LIVING ROOM AS DAPHNE ENTERS

DAPHNE 

What are you doing hiding in the kitchen? 

ROZ 

Go and see if he's single for me. 

DAPHNE 

How exactly do I find that out? Will it be written on his collar or do I just use my psychic ability? Which you know I would do but it doesn't work that way. 

ROZ 

Just go and ask. 

DAPHNE 

Then he'll think I'm coming on to him. 

ROZ 

Then flash your ring at him at the same time. 

DAPHNE 

I most certainly will not I am...oh you mean my engagement ring. Okay. That might work. 

ROZ 

Then ask him if he likes me. 

DAPHNE 

And if he'll meet you after gym class for a smoke behind the bike shed? 

ROZ 

I'm not after that kind of workout. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

EVERYONE IS AS BEFORE AS DAPHNE ENTERS AND STANDS BY THE WINDOW 

FRASIER 

To be fair it has the most evil eyes I have ever seen that have the knack of following you around the room. 

NILES 

You mean they jump out of his head and walk around behind you? 

FRASIER 

You cannot mock me, the grown man who is afraid of mimes. 

NILES 

I am not frightened of them they just disturb me like all circus folk do. When they paint their faces white and pretend to cry a lot they remind me of Maris. If that's not bad enough one of my worst fears is being buried alive and these rather bizarre individuals wonder around the streets pretending to be trapped in invisible boxes. 

MARTIN 

Can you do me a favour and not mention any of what you hear here down at the station? 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

Sure Marty. 

DAPHNE 

So Officer Elliot have you always wanted to be a Policeman? 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

Ever since I can remember. As a kid I used to handcuff my Grandmother's leg to the cat while she was sleeping. The whole prank back fired when she woke up, tripped over the cat and landed on it. My Grandmother had a rather large behind. It took us forever to pry the cat off her so we could bury it. 

DAPHNE 

(ALARMED) That's certainly an interesting story. I suppose to be a Policeman that's means you have to stay awfully trim? Do you work out at all? 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

Whenever I can. 

DAPHNE 

I bet your girlfriend must appreciate that then. 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

Actually I'm single. 

DAPHNE 

Really? Well if you'll excuse me I must go and check that I haven't burnt me buns. 

DAPHNE EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN AS NILES STARES AFTER HER A LITTLE SHOCKED 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

ROZ WAITS IMPATIENTLY BY THE DOOR AS DAPHNE ENTERS

ROZ 

Well? Please don't tell me he's gay. That'll just be my luck. I've converted men before but I don't have the time or a bottle of vodka and some strong smelling salts. 

DAPHNE 

He's single. Go and mark your territory now. Not literary though I don't think Dr. Crane would approve and I can't imagine it would be a big turn on for your Copper. 

ROZ EXITS AS NILES ENTERS

NILES 

Daphne, what was that? 

DAPHNE 

What was what? 

NILES 

You were flirting with him. 

DAPHNE 

Only on Roz's behalf. 

NILES 

She can't do her own flirting? That's a first. 

DAPHNE 

She wants me to find out if he's single before she pounces on him like a lion on a zebra carcass. 

NILES 

Ah good. I can stop having that haemorrhage now. Although I doubt my vision will come back. 

DAPHNE 

Trust me men in uniforms have never really been my cup of tea. 

DAPHNE WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND HIM 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Psychiatrists in suits however is a completely different story. Although I bet you'd look dead sexy in a Police uniform. 

NILES 

Do you think so? 

DAPHNE 

Oh yeah. I'd love to see you in a hat, with your handcuffs, and a truncheon. You could interrogate me under lights anytime. Although I'd have to object to being strip-searched in the kitchen. I don't think your brother would like it. 

THEY KISS 

NILES 

I used to have a little sailor's outfit when I was about five or six years old. 

DAPHNE 

Really? 

NILES 

But it was mainly white so I could never wear it after Labour Day. I've always thought I'd make a pretty good fireman. 

ROZ ENTERS AND STARES AT NILES 

ROZ 

Did you say fireman or firefly? 

DAPHNE 

What are you doing back in here? 

ROZ 

Frasier's talking to that other one so he's got his eyes fixed firmly out the window. What kind of man puts work before immediate physical pleasure? 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

EVERYONE IS SITTING AS BEFORE 

MARTIN 

What's he doing now? 

OFFICER ELLIOT STARTS TO LOOK QUITE INTENSELY THROUGH THE TELESCOPE 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

You don't want to know it's too disgusting. 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

The racoon's again? 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

No he's naked again. He's either sat in cream cheese or even worse that's actually his ass. 

FRASIER 

How has this man committed so many crimes if he's so blatantly identifiable? 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

People tend to forget about tripping the silent alarm when he's flinging pieces of road kill at them with a slingshot. 

DAPHNE, NILES AND ROZ ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN 

DAPHNE 

I think dinner is nearly done gents. We've got plenty if you'd like any? 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

Erm...no thanks...I err...am vegetarian. 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

I'm allergic to meat. Even when it's still on the animal. My head used to swell up like a watermelon if I even went into a field with a cow back home in Wisconsin. 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

No it doesn't. 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

Shut up! 

ROZ 

You're from Wisconsin? I'm from Wisconsin. 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

All the best ones are. 

DAPHNE 

Okay but its here if you change your minds. 

DAPHNE EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

Are we really going to eat that? 

NILES 

Yes, she's worked really hard. 

MARTIN 

Have you seen those potatoes? I never knew it was possible to make it look like gravel. 

FRASIER 

Dad, be nice. 

NILES 

Thank you Frasier. 

NILES EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

You're not serious? 

FRASIER 

Are you kidding? I'd rather eat his racoon. 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

Allison said you were fussy about your food. 

FRASIER 

Well you turned it down as well. 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

But I truly am a vegetarian. 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

Then what was that beef jerky you were eating in the car this morning? 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

It was vegetarian Mr. allergic to cows. 

FRASIER 

But more alarmingly, she actually said I was fussy about food? 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

You frown a lot at what you eat, like it can see you and you want to show it your disgust. 

FRASIER 

I don't do that. 

ROZ 

You glare at it like it's some evil force from an enchanted wood. 

FRASIER 

I do not. 

MARTIN 

Especially when someone else has cooked it for him at home. 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

That's what Allison said. The way you looked at a lamb chop she cooked you, it made her think it was still covered in wool. 

ROZ 

And what's worse it makes him pout through the rest of the meal. 

FRASIER 

I have never pouted a day in my life. I can't believe Allison has told you that. What else has she said about me? 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

I don't think I can say anymore. 

DAPHNE AND NILES ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN. DAPHNE CARRIES THE ROAST ON A LARGE PLATE WHICH LOOKS BURNT TO A CRISP 

DAPHNE 

Okay dinner is ready. It might be a little well done around the edges but that's just made it crispy. 

NILES 

It looks divine. 

DAPHNE AND NILES EXIT BACK INTO THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

See, you're frowning at food again. 

FRASIER 

Well you made me. 

AS FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ MOVE TO THE DINNING TABLE WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(B) 

TITLE CARD: "WHY YOU'D WANT TO CUT THROUGH A TANK THEY'RE NOT EVEN GOING TO QUESTION" 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Martin, Frasier, Roz, Daphne, Niles, Officer Elliot, Officer Ripley, Eddie) 

THE TWO POLICE OFFICERS SIT AT THE WINDOW STILL GIVING IT THEIR FULL ATTENTION AS FRASIER, MARTIN AND ROZ SIT AT THE TABLE 

MARTIN 

What are we going to do? 

FRASIER 

Eat it. 

MARTIN 

We'll die if we eat that. Someone say something to her. 

FRASIER 

And how exactly do we do that tactfully? 

MARTIN 

Tell her it's vile and we want to live. Then drop it down the toilet and push it around the pipe with the toilet brush. 

FRASIER 

I said tactfully Dad. Not cause her severe psychological damage. 

ROZ 

It can't be that bad. 

DAPHNE AND NILES ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN CARRYING SOME FOOD. DAPHNE HAS A BOWL OF POTATOES THAT LOOK REVOLTING AND NILES HAS A LITTLE DISH OF CARROTS. THEY PUT THEM ON THE TABLE 

DAPHNE 

The potatoes are a little on the hard side. They dried up a little in the oven. 

DAPHNE EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN 

NILES 

Frasier stop frowning. Just add some water to them to soften them up and give it that gravy quality. 

NILES EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN 

ROZ 

Then again maybe not. 

MARTIN GOES TO GET A SPOONFUL OF POTATOES OUT OF THE DISH BUT CAN'T MOVE THE SPOON 

MARTIN 

I can't move the spoon. Someone get me a hammer. 

MARTIN EVENTUALLY PRISES IT OUT NEARLY FLICKING POTATO ACROSS THE ROOM 

FRASIER 

Roz I don't know why you're complaining you can leave. Tell her you have to go and pick up Alice. 

ROZ 

I'm not leaving unless it's with that Cop. If that means attempting to strangle you so he handcuffs me to him and drags me out then fine. 

NILES ENTERS CARRYING THE ROAST WITH DAPHNE FOLLOWING. NILES PLACES IT ON THE CENTRE OF THE TABLE AS EVERYONE STARES AT IT A LITTLE WORRIED 

DAPHNE 

And here we go. It's a little well done but I'm sure it will taste fine. 

NILES 

Of course it will. Won't it? 

NILES LOOKS TO EVERYONE FOR REASSURANCE 

MARTIN 

Of course. 

ROZ 

Without a doubt. 

FRASIER 

I'm not frowning. This is my inquisitive face. 

DAPHNE 

Would you like to carve Dr. Crane? 

FRASIER 

It would be my pleasure. 

FRASIER TRIES TO HOLD THE ROAST STILL WITH A FORK WHILE HE CUTS IT BUT STRUGGLES TO ACTUALLY GET THE FORK IN IT 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

I think I need to sharpen these a little. They've gone a little blunt. 

MARTIN 

Isn't this the set I bought off that infomercial that cut a tank in half? 

FINALLY FRASIER MANAGES TO GET THE FORK IN THE MEAT. HE THEN PICKS UP THE CARVING KNIFE AND ATTEMPTS TO SLICE IT. THE MEAT HARDLY DENTS 

FRASIER 

Well they've obviously sold you a poor quality set Dad. I knew this wasn't proper steal it's far to weak. 

DAPHNE 

I knew I'd left it in too long. It'll cut through a tank but not through a piece of meat? 

NILES 

No it's fine. It's just a little crispy around the edges. 

FRASIER 

You know what Daphne I'm going to carve this in the kitchen. 

DAPHNE 

Why? 

FRASIER 

Because...we have a vegetarian and a man allergic to cows in the room. I think it would be best to do this out of view. 

FRASIER PICKS UP THE ROAST AND EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

(QUIETLY) And with a chainsaw. 

NILES GLARES AT MARTIN 

NILES 

I'll help him. 

NILES EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER IS STANDING BY THE REFRIGERATOR TRYING TO LOOK BEHIND IT HOLDING THE ROAST AS NILES ENTERS

NILES (CONT'D) 

What are you doing? 

FRASIER 

Looking for somewhere to loose it. Oh why don't I have a window in here? Help me squeeze it into the blender. 

FRASIER RUSHES OVER TO THE BLENDER AND ACCIDENTALLY KNOCKS THE CAKE OFF THE COUNTER ONTO THE FLOOR ALONG THE WAY 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Oh no! Has that just dented my floor? 

NILES PICKS UP THE CAKE WHICH IS STILL IN ONE PIECE 

NILES 

And yet it hasn't damaged the cake at all. 

FRASIER 

Oh joy! That makes that large dent I could practically fall into seem so unimportant now. 

NILES EXAMINES THE CAKE, WHICH DOESN'T HAVE A MARK ON IT. HE THEN HITS IT AGAINST THE SIDE OF THE COUNTER WHICH ONCE AGAIN DOESN'T DAMAGE THE CAKE AT ALL BUT MAKES A SMALL DENT ON THE COUNTER 

NILES 

Look at that. You could knock a nail in the wall with that. 

FRASIER 

How would you know? The only nails you touch are on the end of your fingers and toes. 

NILES HITS THE CAKE ON THE COUNTER AGAIN 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Stop that! 

NILES PUTS THE CAKE BACK ON THE COUNTER 

NILES 

Just carve it, please for Daphne. She's worked so hard. 

FRASIER 

Oh all right. For Daphne, and only because she's going to be my sister-in-law but make sure those pair eat some as well. 

NILES 

Fine. 

NILES EXITS BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM. ONCE AGAIN FRASIER TRIES TO CARVE THE ROAST BUT CAN'T SEEM TO CUT IT AT ALL. HE THEN SIGHS BEFORE PUTTING THE KNIFE DOWN AND LOOKING THROUGH THE DOORWAY TO CHECK TO SEE IF ANYONE IS WATCHING. WHEN HE IS SATISFIED HE PICKS UP THE ROAST AND DROPS IT ON THE FLOOR 

FRASIER 

(SHOUTS) Oops! Oh no! 

DAPHNE ENTERS QUICKLY 

DAPHNE 

What happened? 

FRASIER 

I slipped on something and accidentally knocked the roast onto the floor. I'm so sorry. 

DAPHNE BENDS OVER THE ROAST TO CHECK THE DAMAGE 

DAPHNE 

It'll be fine once we blow the dust off it. And remove this bug. Half a bug. I wonder where the other half is. It's what's left of what Eddie ate in the park. There that's better. 

DAPHNE PICKS SOMETHING OFF THE ROAST AND THEN STANDS BACK TO CHECK IT BUT STILL LEAVES THE ROAST ON THE FLOOR 

FRASIER 

But Eddie has licked it. 

DAPHNE 

He's not even in here. 

FRASIER 

Isn't he? I must have confused him with this piece of lint. Oh well then there's no reason that I can think of why we can't eat it. 

WHEN DAPHNE TURNS TO PICK UP THE PLATE THE ROAST WAS ON FRASIER STAMPS ON IT 

DAPHNE 

Oh Dr. Crane watch out! 

FRASIER 

I'm so sorry. 

DAPHNE 

Can we still salvage it? 

FRASIER 

I'm not sure. (TRYING TO MAKE IT AS WORSE AS POSSIBLE) If only I hadn't walked through all that garbage and medical waste on the side of the road earlier in these shoes. 

NILES ENTERS

NILES 

What happened? 

FRASIER 

I stepped on the roast. 

DAPHNE 

It's ruined. 

FRASIER 

I'm so sorry Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

(LOOKING ON THE BRIGHT SIDE) Not to mind. It was a little dry. I'll just keep everything warm and cook those lamb chops that we have in the freezer. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

EVERYONE IS AS BEFORE AS NILES ENTERS

MARTIN 

What happened? 

NILES 

Frasier stood on the roast. 

MARTIN 

To pull the fork out? 

NILES 

No so we wouldn't have to eat it. 

MARTIN 

Fantastic. I'm going to order a pizza. 

MARTIN GOES TO GRAB THE PHONE 

NILES 

No you're not. She's keeping everything warm and cooking some lamb chops instead. 

MARTIN 

Fine. Then I'm going for a walk and see if the chilli vendor is on the corner today. Come on Eddie. 

MARTIN PUTS HIS COAT ON BEFORE PUTTING EDDIE'S LEAD ON AS DAPHNE AND FRASIER ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN. DAPHNE IS CARRYING PART OF THE ROAST 

DAPHNE 

Just a second Mr. Crane let's see if he wants some of this. 

EDDIE WON'T TOUCH IT 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Suit yourself then dog. He must be coming down with something he'll normally eat anything. 

MARTIN AND EDDIE EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AS DAPHNE AND NILES EXIT BACK INTO THE KITCHEN AND ROZ APPROACHES OFFICER ELLIOT 

ROZ 

I don't think we've actually been introduced. I'm Roz. Roz Doyle. 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

Tim Elliot. That's a real nice dress you've got on there. It really extenuates your (LOOKING AT HER CHEST) ...eyes. 

ROZ 

Oh this old thing. I just threw it on. 

FRASIER 

Wait a second Roz. Isn't that Daphne's dress? 

ROZ 

If you'll excuse me. 

ROZ GRABS FRASIER'S HAND AND DRAGS HIM INTO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE AND NILES PUT ALL THE FOOD BACK IN THE OVEN AS ROZ AND FRASIER ENTER

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Do you mind? 

FRASIER 

What? 

ROZ 

I'm doing really well here. Please don't screw it up for me or I may just have to kill you. 

FRASIER 

And how exactly would I do that? 

ROZ 

Oh believe me you'll find a way you always do. And Niles you be quiet as well. 

NILES 

I haven't said anything yet. 

ROZ 

You will. 

DAPHNE 

Can I speak? 

ROZ 

Yes I need you to help me to get him to ask me out. 

THEY ALL EXIT BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

OFFICER ELLIOT AND OFFICER RIPLEY SIT AS BEFORE AS DAPHNE AND ROZ LEAD NILES AND FRASIER INTO THE LIVING ROOM AND TO THE COUCH 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Both of you sit. 

FRASIER AND NILES BOTH SIT DOWN 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Stop pouting. (TO OFFICER ELLIOT) So Daphne tells me you're single. 

NILES 

(SOTTO TO FRASIER) Oh that approach is sure to work. 

DAPHNE 

Shhhh 

DAPHNE SMACKS NILES' ARM 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

That's right. How about yourself? 

ROZ 

Oh yeah me too. I'm care free and easy. 

FRASIER 

(SOTTO TO NILES) Part of that is certainly true. 

ROZ 

Excuse me for a moment. 

ROZ ONCE AGAIN GRABS FRASIER'S HAND AND THEY EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN 

A BEAT 

ROZ ENTERS RUBBING HER HANDS TOGETHER 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

And I'm back. 

FRASIER ENTERS LIMPING SLIGHTLY 

NILES 

Frasier you're limping. 

FRASIER 

Nothing escapes your attention. 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

You know I've been wondering when I'd meet the new man in Allison's life. 

FRASIER 

Really? 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

Yes. She's normally introduced him to everyone by now. Not that you should worry about that. 

FRASIER 

I'm not. 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

Good. 

FRASIER 

Although I am now. 

ROZ 

You're scared of her puppet she's probably worried you'll have the same reaction to her friends. 

FRASIER 

I've never been scared of a person. 

DAPHNE 

What about Bebe? 

FRASIER 

But she's practically the devil. 

NILES 

Or Lilith? 

FRASIER 

That's different. Being scared of your ex-wife and being scared of a stranger are two different things entirely. 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

(SURPRISED) You've been married? Funny she never mentioned that. 

A BEAT 

ROZ 

You have told her haven't you Frasier? 

A BEAT 

NILES 

Frasier? 

FRASIER 

(DEFENSIVELY) She knows I have a son so surely she should know I've been married. I didn't find Freddie floating down the river. 

DAPHNE 

Twice? 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

You've been married twice? I've got so much to tell her when I next see her. 

FRASIER 

Like what? 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

Oh just things. 

ROZ 

(TO OFFICER ELLIOT) I've never been married. 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

That's nice. 

A BEAT 

NILES 

Well that's certainly exhausted that conversation. Would anyone like any wine? 

NILES EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

ROZ 

I could take a bottle or two. 

ROZ EXITS TO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

NILES POURS FOUR GLASSES OF WINE AS ROZ ENTERS LOOKING FRUSTRATED 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

What is wrong with him? 

NILES 

Maybe you've lost your appeal Roz. 

ROZ 

Okay before you start sprouting crazy theories that are so blatantly not true let's look at this objectively. 

DAPHNE ENTERS

DAPHNE 

He's just watched you leave with a smile on his face. 

ROZ 

Oh great. In other words I light up the room by leaving it. 

NILES 

I've always thought so. 

ROZ SLAPS NILES' ARM 

DAPHNE 

No he was smiling in a seedy kind of way. 

ROZ 

Well that's promising. 

DAPHNE AND ROZ EACH PICK UP A GLASS OF WINE AND EXIT INTO THE LIVING ROOM. NILES PICKS UP THE REMAINING TWO GLASSES BEFORE EXITING

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER REMAINS ON THE COUCH AS NILES ENTERS AND GIVES HIM HIS WINE BEFORE SITTING NEXT TO HIM. DAPHNE SITS ON THE ARM OF THE COUCH BY NILES AS ROZ STILL HOVERS BY THE OFFICERS BY THE WINDOW 

FRASIER 

Let's see if this wine was worth the odd looks? 

DAPHNE 

Odd looks? 

NILES 

Don't ask. It wasn't my shining moment. 

THEY ALL TAKE A SIP OF THE WINE 

FRASIER 

Well it's chewy, jammy, with just a hint of... 

NILES 

(DISGUSTED) Crap. I don't think that was a pricing error. I think that was the bargain basket. 

DAPHNE 

(SHOCKED) You've bought something from a bargain basket? (JOKING) Excuse me while I go and lie down to recover. 

DAPHNE PUTS HER GLASS DOWN AND EXITS TO HER ROOM 

ROZ 

I think it tastes nice. 

FRASIER 

That just proves it. We've been screwed Niles. 

NILES 

I think I can feel it peeling the enamel off my teeth. 

FRASIER 

Always a good sensation to feel. It's so thick it's like oil. 

ROZ 

And yet you're both still drinking it. 

FRASIER 

Don't forget we have to eat that later. And this wine might be able to completely destroy my taste buds. 

NILES 

I can't drink anymore. Two glasses of that and I'll go blind. 

MARTIN AND EDDIE ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR WITH MARTIN CARRYING A BROWN PAPER BAG 

MARTIN 

Is Daphne about? 

FRASIER 

She's just gone into her room. Do you think she'll believe that those potatoes happened to jump into the garbage disposal that also mysteriously happened to switch itself on? 

MARTIN 

Only if you're planning on giving her a lobotomy before you tell her. Follow me. 

MARTIN GOES TO EXIT TO HIS ROOM 

FRASIER 

(RE: BAG) What have you got in there? 

MARTIN 

Nectar from the Gods. Steak sandwiches. 

NILES 

You can't do that. 

MARTIN 

Why not? 

NILES 

Because Daphne's been cooking that meal most of the day. 

MARTIN 

No she's been cremating that meal most of the day. You can either eat this or a piece of lamb that looks and smells like coal. 

NILES 

Dad it's not right. She wants to make this special. Do you have any idea how important this is for her? 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

We'll stand guard and keep her away while you eat it. 

NILES 

What are we waiting for? 

NILES TAKES THE BAG OFF MARTIN AND GOES TO EXIT TOWARDS MARTIN'S ROOM 

ROZ 

I know you're doing something deceitful but do you really need to run like that? 

NILES 

Like what? 

FRASIER 

We've been asking him that for years. 

FRASIER, ROZ, MARTIN AND NILES EXIT TOWARDS MARTIN'S ROOM 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

What's he doing now? 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

He's still naked except for the racoon around his shoulders sitting on the kitchen counter doing his jigsaw puzzle. 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

Wait a second. The racoon is doing the jigsaw puzzle or our guy? 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

Neither it's the Pope. God the sight of someone remotely attractive and suddenly only one part of you can function. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM. THE MOMENT THE OFFICERS SEE HER THEY BOTH SPRING UP OFF THEIR SEATS, TURNING THEIR ATTENTION AWAY FROM THE WINDOW FOR THE FIRST TIME AND ON TO DAPHNE 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

Daphne! Hi! 

DAPHNE 

What's going on? 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

Nothing we were just curious about where you went. We were worried. You were gone such a long time. 

DAPHNE 

I only went to my room. I wasn't dicing with death dropping little brown envelops off for the mob. 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

Oh we know that. 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

Where are you going? 

DAPHNE 

Just to the kitchen. What's the matter? 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

Nothing. Nothing at all. We just have to keep on our toes you know. You never know when something might happen and we'll have to jump up and leave. 

DAPHNE 

Where has everyone gone? 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

Like who for example? 

DAPHNE 

Like everybody. 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

There's Marty's dog. 

DAPHNE 

I was thinking more along the lines of humans. 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

Of course you were. How silly of me. 

DAPHNE 

So? 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

So what? 

DAPHNE 

Where is everyone? 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

Was there anyone else here? 

DAPHNE GOES TO EXIT TOWARDS MARTIN'S ROOM 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

Where are you going? 

DAPHNE 

Four people haven't just vanished into thin air. This is not magic hour. And I think the trend of people having spontaneous combustion fits is on the decrease so they're obviously down there. 

DAPHNE GOES TO EXIT ONCE AGAIN 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

Oh Daphne don't. 

OFFICER ELLIOT GOES TO STAND IN HER WAY 

DAPHNE 

Why? 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

Because we want you to tell us more about England. So what's it like...you know...there and...well...having a Queen? 

DAPHNE PUSHES PAST AND EXITS

OFFICER RIPLEY 

No Daphne don't. 

RESET TO: 

INT. MARTIN'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER, MARTIN, NILES AND ROZ ALL SIT ON MARTIN'S BED EATING SANDWICHES 

NILES 

I know it's wrong but it feels so good. 

MARTIN 

We've got to do this more often. 

FRASIER 

What eat steak sandwiches or do it without Daphne knowing? 

ROZ 

Both. 

NILES 

This is heaven. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FOLLOWED CLOSELY BY OFFICER ELLIOT AND OFFICER RIPLEY. EVERYONE FREEZES 

DAPHNE 

I don't believe it! 

NILES 

Daphne! This isn't what it looks like! 

DAPHNE 

Oh a likely story. 

FRASIER 

It's only happened once. 

MARTIN 

It'll never happen again. 

DAPHNE 

That's what they all say. 

ROZ 

We didn't want to do it. 

NILES 

Dad made us. 

MARTIN 

Hey! 

NILES 

I didn't enjoy it. The whole time I was thinking about you and your lovely dinner. 

DAPHNE 

Save it. 

DAPHNE EXITS

FRASIER 

I thought you two were supposed to be watching her! 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

We did but then she wanted to know where you'd all gone. Don't blame us for this. 

NILES 

I can't eat the rest of this now. 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

Well if you're not going to can I? 

ROZ 

I thought you were a vegetarian. 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

Yeah well you know what thought did. 

THEY ALL EXIT BACK TOWARDS THE LIVING ROOM 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

THEY ALL ENTER INTO THE EMPTY LIVING ROOM 

NILES 

Where's Daphne gone? 

MARTIN 

Probably to her room. 

NILES EXITS TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM 

NILES 

(OFF STAGE) Daphne. Sweetheart can I come in? 

DAPHNE 

(OFF STAGE) Sod off! 

NILES ENTERS FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM 

NILES 

I think she'd prefer to be alone for a while. (THEN) Actually Dad I have an idea. Come with me for a moment. 

NILES AND MARTIN EXIT TOWARDS MARTIN'S ROOM 

ROZ 

So what's he doing now? 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

Who? (REALISING) Oh right. 

OFFICER RIPLEY RUSHES BACK TO THE WINDOW AND LOOKS THROUGH HER BINOCULARS 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

Oh my God! He's gone! 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

What do you mean he's gone? 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

I mean he's gone in terms of there's a rabbit jumping up and down on a pogo stick over there. What do you mean what do I mean? He's gone. He's taken his racoons and he's gone. 

FRASIER 

How is that possible? You haven't left the window. (REALISING) Ah I see. 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

Oh my God! 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

Quick let's get down there. 

OFFICER ELLIOT AND OFFICER RIPLEY BOTH SPRINT TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR 

ROZ 

Wait you can't leave without giving me your number. I thought you might want to see me again. 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

And I do. Come down to the station Thursday at two. I need you for a Police line-up. Come dressed like that, it's a line-up of hookers. 

OFFICER RIPLEY 

Come on! 

OFFICER ELLIOT 

Thanks. You'll be doing me a really big favour. 

THEY EXIT CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND THEM AS ROZ STARTS TO BREATHE REALLY RAPIDLY 

ROZ 

I need alcohol now! 

ROZ GRABS HER GLASS OF WINE AND EXITS TO THE KITCHEN WITH FRASIER FOLLOWING 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

ROZ FILLS HER GLASS UP AS FRASIER ENTERS

ROZ (CONT'D) 

A line-up?! 

FRASIER 

Calm down Roz. 

ROZ 

He wants me for a line-up? As a hooker? 

FRASIER 

Something positive might come from it. 

ROZ 

Like what? A strip search and a girlfriend who wears Loafers? 

FRASIER 

Think of it this way, at least it's a date. 

RESET TO: 

INT. DAPHNE'S ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE LIES ON HER BED FACING AWAY FROM THE DOOR 

SFX: KNOCK ON THE DOOR

DAPHNE 

Go away. 

NILES 

(OFF STAGE) Ma'am can you please open the door. 

DAPHNE 

If you had any sort of brain at all you'd realise that it's not even locked. 

NILES ENTERS WEARING MARTIN'S OLD POLICE HAT AND WITH HIS BADGE STICKING OUT OF HIS JACKET POCKET. DAPHNE DOESN'T TURN TO LOOK AT HIM 

NILES 

We at the Seattle PD do not have a brain that we're aware of. 

DAPHNE 

You what? 

DAPHNE SITS UP AND TURNS TO LOOK AT HIM 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Oh my God! You look like one of the village people. 

NILES 

Since I've no idea what you're talking about I'll choose to take that as a compliment. 

DAPHNE 

Where did you get that hat? 

NILES 

It's Dad's. 

DAPHNE 

It's way too big. It's making your ears stick out. 

NILES 

In an adorable way? 

DAPHNE 

In an I wonder if I twist your ears will your tongue stick out kind of way. 

NILES 

That could be adorable. 

DAPHNE 

Yes it could but not right now I'm mad at you. 

DAPHNE LIES DOWN AGAIN AND TURNS AWAY FROM HIM AS NILES SITS ON THE BED 

NILES 

I'm sorry Daphne. We all are. 

DAPHNE 

I know I'm not the best cook in the world but you don't have to lie about it. I have trouble melting butter without burning it. 

NILES 

That's not true. You melt me the moment you walk in the room. 

SHE SITS UP AND SMILES AT HIM 

DAPHNE 

Thank you Officer Crane. 

NILES 

Will you come with me or are you going to make me use my handcuffs? 

DAPHNE 

Not right now your family is outside. 

NILES 

I was joking. 

DAPHNE 

I wasn't. But there are more important things to discuss right now. 

NILES 

Like what? 

DAPHNE 

Has your Dad got anymore of those sandwiches left? I'm ruddy starving. 

AS NILES TAKES HER HAND AND HELPS HER UP AND TO THE DOOR WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: ROZ WALKS UP THE WINDOW AND PICKS UP THE PAIR OF BINOCULARS AND LOOKS THROUGH THEM. AFTER A MOMENT HER MOUTH DROPS OPEN AND SHE CALLS FRASIER OVER. HE RUSHES OVER AND ROZ POINTS OUT THE WINDOW AND THEN DOES A STABBING ACTION LIKE FROM PSYCHO AND HANDS FRASIER THE BINOCULARS. HE LOOKS THROUGH THEM AND SEARCHES FRANTICALLY. WHEN HE EVENTUALLY SEES WHAT SHE IS TALKING ABOUT HE SIGHS SHAKES HIS HEAD AND GIVES THEM BACK TO ROZ. SHE LOOKS THROUGH THEM AGAIN AND THEN REALISES HER MISTAKE. 


	18. Episode Eighteen

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_This is what I had in mind when I read the cast list for the season nine premiere — how wrong I was! I apologise for the amount of English expression that creep into this one, but they felt right coming from certain characters. Feedback is like the Holy Grail, I'm forever looking for it, so please send any to kelly_simba@hotmail.com _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Nine Episode Eighteen   
Wives and Lovers 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: "WELL SHE CAN THROW THE BALL LIKE SHE'S IN THE MAJOR'S" 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Allison, Frasier, Roz, Virginia, Man) 

FRASIER AND ALLISON SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA, WITH FRASIER FACING THE DOOR, DRINKING COFFEE AND IN MID CONVERSATION 

ALLISON 

The show was going fine apart from the nymphomaniac clown, unfortunately named 'Willy Drop It', that they also hired as entertainment turning up drunk without his pants and trying to grope one of the Grandmother's there. She was a little a surprised to say the least. She nearly swallowed her false teeth. It's very hard to attempt the Heimlich manoeuvre on an eighty-year-old woman; they have the tendency to break very easily. So everything was going pretty much fine that was until disaster struck. 

FRASIER 

Another bouncing castle filled with helium? 

ALLISON 

Oh I wish. Children floating away to the heavens never to be seen again except for on the sides of milk cartons would have been a picnic compared to what followed. I guess I was being a little too aggressive with my puppet. So aggressive in fact that while we were having our little traditional mock argument about how old the birthday girl actually was that I shook him a little too violently and his head fell off. 

FRASIER 

Oh dear. I take it that didn't go down well. 

ALLISON 

His head went down like a ton of bricks and it fell into the birthday girl's bowl of jello that was unfortunately placed on her lap at the time. The fact that it was red jello made it look as if I'd split his head open to make matters worse. I have never heard such screaming or seen such wetting of pants since I did that performance at the retirement home. It's going to take me forever to dry his head out. 

FRASIER 

Don't worry about it. The same thing happens to me all the time. You get used to it. 

ALLISON 

Your head falls off in the middle of a show? 

FRASIER 

No I mean my audience has the habit of screaming and wetting themselves. 

ALLISON 

Ah now I know why you're not still in private practice. 

FRASIER 

At least you get free jello when it happens to you. I just used to get nauseous and a skin rash that itched like the devil. 

ALLISON 

You have such romantic stories. I'll be right back. 

ROZ ENTERS AS ALLISON STANDS UP, KISSES FRASIER AND EXITS TO THE BATHROOM 

ROZ 

Who was that you were trying to choke? 

ROZ SITS DOWN AT FRASIER'S TABLE WITH HER BACK TOWARDS THE DOOR IN THE SEAT VACATED BY ALLISON 

FRASIER 

Allison. 

ROZ 

That's still going on? She doesn't have anymore demon puppets that are terrifying the life out of you? There are no Stephen King IT clowns hiding in the closet? 

FRASIER 

Yes she does but I've put that behind me and moved on. 

ROZ 

You've been self-medicating haven't you? 

FRASIER 

No! Well just a small Valium every now and then to relax me. 

ROZ 

That's how it starts. You'll be hooked on vitamins and dietary supplements next. Selling your antique pieces of crap and lying to your family because you can't get enough vitamin c and cod liver oil. 

FRASIER 

That's very amusing. You can go now. 

ROZ 

Why can't I sit here? Afraid I'm going to embarrass you? 

FRASIER 

No I'm afraid you're going to embarrass yourself. 

ROZ 

Fine then I'll move. 

ROZ STANDS UP AND GOES TO MOVE AS VIRGINIA ENTERS

FRASIER 

No wait sit back down. 

ROZ SITS BACKS DOWN LOOKING A LITTLE CONFUSED 

ROZ 

You have more mood swings then a heavily pregnant elephant. You'll be crying your eyes out and then laughing hysterically next. 

FRASIER 

Virginia Barker just walked in. 

ROZ 

Who? 

ROZ TURNS AROUND THE LOOK 

FRASIER 

Don't look. I said don't look. 

ROZ 

Why will direct eye contact with her turn me into a pillar of salt? Oh right I remember her. You two had a thing didn't you? 

FRASIER 

Yes now don't let her see me. 

FRASIER STARTS TO HIDE HIS FACE AND SLUMP DOWN IN HIS SEAT 

ROZ 

I'm sorry I've forgotten my invisibility spell. Do you want me to sit on you or just cover you with a fire blanket? 

FRASIER 

(BEGINNING TO PANIC) She's coming over. What am I going to do? Hit me with a bolt of lightening! Anything. 

VIRGINIA SEES FRASIER AND RATHER RELUCTANTLY APPROACHES HIM ON HER WAY TO THE COUNTER 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

(OOZING CHARM) Virginian hello. 

VIRGINIA 

Frasier Crane. How lovely to see you again. I'm debating if I really mean that. I'm guessing probably not. 

FRASIER 

No we didn't part on good terms did we? 

VIRGINIA 

You parted on good terms, I parted with my dress on fire and so stressed by the whole experience that I lost the majority of my hair and not just on my head. 

FRASIER 

Yes well it looks great now. (REALISING) I mean on your head. 

VIRGINIA 

I still have to wear a wig. 

FRASIER 

Ah well at least you save on having expensive haircuts. 

VIRGINIA GLARES AT FRASIER BEFORE MOVING TO THE COUNTER. FRASIER COVERS HIS FACE WITH SHAME 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Did I just say that? 

ROZ 

Yes you did. 

ALLISON ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM AND SITS BACK DOWN IN BETWEEN FRASIER AND ROZ 

ALLISON 

And I'm back. Hi Roz isn't it? 

ROZ 

That's right. Nice to see you again Allison. Well I'll get out of your hair. (REALISING) Sorry. I'll leave you two alone. 

FRASIER 

No you're not leaving are you? 

ROZ 

See mood swings. And you complain I'm hormonal which by the way I'm not. Stop self-medicating. 

ALLISON 

What's going on? 

VIRGINIA RETURNS TO THE TABLE WITH HER COFFEE 

VIRGINIA 

Well I wish I could say it was a pleasure seeing you again Frasier but it really hasn't been. As you'll notice my eye twitch has resurfaced. My advice to you ladies would be to run far, run fast before he sets fire to something a little bit more important then a floral patterned dress. 

VIRGINIA EXITS AS ALLISON STARES AFTER HER COMPLETELY LOST 

FRASIER 

(SHOUTS) I said I was sorry. I tried to put it out. 

ALLISON 

What was that about? 

ROZ 

He set her on fire while they were dating. 

ALLISON 

What? 

FRASIER 

It was only one date and it wasn't as bad as she makes it out to be. There was barely a flame. Just some major singeing. 

ALLISON 

Does this often happen to you when you are out? 

ROZ 

What running into people he's dated or set fire to? 

FRASIER 

Weren't you about to go and sit somewhere else? Trust me it never happens. Well except this one time. 

ROZ 

The women he's dated a few and far between. A blind racoon is more likely to find a trashcan every now and then, then you are of running into someone Frasier's dated. 

FRASIER 

Unlike you where you can't throw a stone without hitting at least one person you've slept with. 

ROZ 

I'll admit I've sown a few wild oats in my time. 

FRASIER 

A few? You could apply for a farmer's loan. 

ROZ LOOKS AROUND THE CAFÉ 

ROZ 

That's a lie. I haven't slept with anyone in here. 

A MAN ENTERS AND WAVES TO ROZ FROM ACROSS THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM 

MAN 

Oh hey Roz. 

ROZ 

Hi David. 

FRASIER GIVES A SELF SATISFIED GRIN 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

(TO FRASIER) Oh shut up! At least I haven't set any of them on fire. 

AS FRASIER'S SMILE FADES WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/1   
(Martin, Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Lilith) 

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WATCHING THE TELEVISION WITH NILES SLUMPED ON THE COUCH AND DAPHNE STANDING BY THE ISLAND DRESSED UP PUTTING SOME EAR RINGS IN 

MARTIN 

(TO DAPHNE) How come you're getting all dressed up? 

DAPHNE 

Aren't I allowed to look nice? 

MARTIN 

Well I guess. 

DAPHNE 

Gee you really know how to make a girl feel special don't you. I'm meeting the girls down the pub for a bit of a booze up. 

MARTIN 

And you're going in a suit? 

DAPHNE 

I'm not wearing a suit. Do you need your eyes checked again? How many fingers am I holding up? We don't want you getting to the stage where you mistake a bottle of beer for the drain cleaner again. You haven't been able to taste the difference between my pot roast and braised steak since the last time. 

MARTIN 

(QUIETLY) Thank God. I was talking to Niles. 

NILES 

I'm not going to the pub. I'm not allowed to go down there and see what sort of antics she takes part in on her own. 

DAPHNE 

You make it sound as if I go down there to get people drunk and steal their organs while they're unconscious. I don't have a habit of taking some operating utensils out with me and returning with bits of intestine in a brown paper bag. Eddie would have found them and eaten them by now for starters. 

NILES 

How would I know what happens? 

MARTIN 

Oh don't worry about it Niles. The same thing happened with your mom and me. She'd never take me to her hangout to be with her friends. 

NILES 

That's because the first and only time that she did take you down there you called for backup thinking they were selling drugs. 

MARTIN 

There was white powder by the kitchen door. I thought it was cocaine. You'd have made the same mistake. 

NILES 

It was flour and not to mention at the time the most exclusive restaurant in the city. They'd made mom a birthday cake. And excuse me but a cop doesn't know the difference between flour and cocaine? 

MARTIN 

I was a cop not a narcotics expert. 

NILES 

Evidently. If you were you wouldn't have had the bartender pinned up the wall searching for your rubber glove while mom sat in the corner and hid her face in shame and denied you were with her. 

DAPHNE SITS NEXT TO NILES ON THE COUCH AND TAKES HIS HAND 

DAPHNE 

Niles I've never taken you down there before because I never thought you'd like it. Hanging around in a smoky pub with a bunch of liquored up Englishmen has never exactly been your thing. 

NILES 

I know but there's a whole part of your life down there that I don't know about and missing out on. 

DAPHNE 

Fine, come down with me tonight and try it out. At least it will stop you from pulling that face and I'd love to have you there. It'll give me a chance to show you off. 

NILES 

That's great well apart from feeling a little like I'm about to take part in a dog show. Am I properly attired to go? 

DAPHNE 

Not exactly. You've got all your teeth and a too few tattoos. And that's just some of the prettier women. 

FRASIER ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

FRASIER 

Hello all. 

MARTIN 

You're back late. 

FRASIER 

I was in Nervosa with Allison trying to prove to her that I'm not some sort of professional womaniser. 

NILES 

You're dating her. Surely she already knows that. 

FRASIER 

We ran into Virginia down there and Allison was just a little concerned about running into any other ex's of mine in the near future. 

NILES 

Like that's likely. 

MARTIN 

Virginia? 

DAPHNE 

Isn't she the one who's dog you killed? 

FRASIER 

It was her fault not mine. What kind of woman let's her dog run around outside while someone is trying to back their car out? But anyway no it's not her. 

NILES 

Isn't she the one you set on fire? 

FRASIER 

It was hardly a fire and once again that was her fault. 

MARTIN 

How was that her fault? 

FRASIER 

She's the one that started the fire. 

NILES 

But that was in the fireplace. 

DAPHNE 

I hardly expect that when she did that she was expecting you to hurl her towards it. 

FRASIER 

I thought I saw a rat. 

DAPHNE 

Speaking of places with rats. Let's loosen you up a little if you still want to go to the pub. If they see you in a tie they'll think you're the health investigator again. 

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT TO HER ROOM 

MARTIN 

Was Allison okay with it? 

FRASIER 

I think so. It was just a little jarring running into her. 

MARTIN 

I bet it was and I think alcohol is needed. 

MARTIN STANDS AND GOES TO EXIT TO THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

No honestly I'm fine with it. 

MARTIN 

I mean for me. After hearing about your pitiful love life I need something to help drown my sorrows. 

MARTIN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN AS FRASIER HANGS UP HIS COAT ON THE PEG 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER CROSSES TO OPEN THE FRONT DOOR AND LILITH ENTERS. FRASIER IS OBVIOUSLY STARTLED TO SEE HER AND SHOUTS 

FRASIER 

Ahhhhhhhhh. 

LILITH 

That's a wonderful greeting. Do you normally scream and send spittle into the eye of everyone who rings on your doorbell? 

FRASIER 

No of course not. I'm sorry. I'm just a little surprised to see you. What are you doing here? 

LILITH 

Currently standing out in a hallway. May I come in? 

FRASIER LETS LILITH IN AND CLOSES THE DOOR 

FRASIER 

Of course. I'm sorry. So what are you doing here? 

LILITH 

I have a conference to attend tomorrow in Tacoma. 

FRASIER 

(WORRIED) Really? 

LILITH 

I'm not here to sleep with you Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Oh thank God. I'm so relieved. 

LILITH 

That was certainly flattering. Be still my beating heart. 

MARTIN ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN AND IS ALSO STARTLED TO SEE LILITH 

MARTIN 

Ahhhhhhhhh. 

LILITH 

And so was that. 

MARTIN 

Lilith! What are you doing here? 

LILITH 

You can stop holding your cane in such an aggressive and threatening manner I'm here for a conference tomorrow and thought it would be a good idea to pay a visit to the man with which I created a child. 

MARTIN 

You can make anything sound romantic. 

DAPHNE ENTERS LOOKING THROUGH HER BAG AND CALLING BACK TO NILES 

DAPHNE 

Come along then or we'll miss happy hour. (LOOKING UP AND SEEING LILITH) Ahhhhhhhhh. 

NILES ENTERS CONCERNED ABOUT THE SCREAMING 

NILES 

What's the matter has...(SEEING LILITH) Ahhhhhhhhh 

LILITH 

Is this the new way to say hello good to see you in Seattle or have you all suddenly developed Tourette's syndrome? 

NILES 

I was just a little surprised that's all. What are you doing here? 

LILITH 

Conference. 

DAPHNE 

That's nice well we were just on our way out. 

NILES AND DAPHNE QUICKLY MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE FRONT DOOR TRYING DESPERATELY TO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT WITH LILITH 

LILITH 

I understand congratulations are in order. 

NILES 

(WORRIED) Why? 

LILITH 

Frederick said you got engaged. 

DAPHNE 

Oh yes. Thanks. 

LILITH SHAKES DAPHNE'S HAND BUT IS UNABLE TO SHAKE NILES' AS HE'S TOO CLOSE TO THE FRONT DOOR WAITING TO ESCAPE. DAPHNE MAKES HER WAY TO THE FRONT DOOR AND THEY GO TO EXIT 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Hold me purse for me will you please Niles. 

NILES TAKES HER PURSE 

NILES 

Sure. Why? 

DAPHNE 

All my right hand side of my body has just gone numb. 

DAPHNE RUBS THE HAND THAT LILITH SHOOK AS SHE AND NILES EXIT

MARTIN 

So how long are you here for? 

LILITH 

The white flags can come out tomorrow evening. I'm only here as a favour to a colleague who's speech I promised to attend. 

FRASIER 

I wish I knew you were coming. I would have prepared something to eat and drink. 

MARTIN 

(SOTTO TO FRASIER) And a fully loaded shotgun. 

LILITH 

Actually I was thinking if you'd like to, would you like to go out and have dinner with me? 

FRASIER 

(WORRIED) Dinner? You and me? Just the two of us? Alone? 

LILITH 

I've told you I don't want to sleep with you. 

FRASIER 

I was just checking. 

AS FRASIER GETS HIS COAT WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. RESTAURANT — EVENING — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Lilith, Roz, Allison) 

FRASIER AND LILITH SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF A HEAVING RESTAURANT LOOKING AT THEIR MENUS 

FRASIER 

Is Freddie doing better in school? 

LILITH 

He's back on track. 

FRASIER 

That's certainly good to hear. And how have you been? 

LILITH 

I'm fine thank you. 

FRASIER 

Have you been seeing anyone recently? 

LILITH 

I have as a matter of fact. (THEN) It's someone from Cheers. 

FRASIER 

Oh my God! Who? It's Sam isn't it? For the love of God don't let it be Cliff. Okay answer me one question. Is he better? 

LILITH 

Frasier I'm joking. When have I ever dated beer-swilling oafs? 

FRASIER 

I was a bar fly when we met remember. 

LILITH 

Yes and we got divorced, need I say anymore. So how about yourself? Are you dating? 

FRASIER 

I have been seeing someone actually but it's really too early to say anything. 

LILITH 

Why is it too early? Is she below the legal age limit? 

FRASIER 

Of course not. 

LILITH 

Because it has been brought to my attention that the older that you get the younger your girlfriends get. How long will it be before you're hanging around the maternity wards looking for some action? 

FRASIER 

I just don't want to tempt fate. 

LILITH 

What does she do for a living if that's not tempting the devils too much to conspire against your relationship? 

FRASIER 

If you must know she's a ventriloquist. 

LILITH 

Really? How very interesting. Looking for another woman to take charge of the relationship and handle you like the puppet you so often are? 

FRASIER 

No! Her profession has nothing to do with our relationship. 

FRASIER SEES ROZ APPROACHES THE TABLE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Oh no. 

LILITH 

Once again that wasn't my foot. It's the leg of the table. There's a trick to telling the difference. One of them is wood but I'm not going to tell you which. Stop being such an egomaniac. 

FRASIER 

No I can see Roz coming towards us. 

LILITH 

And you're ashamed to be seen with me. 

FRASIER 

Not at all. 

ROZ REACHES THE TABLE BEHIND LILITH 

ROZ 

Hi Frasier. Allison what have you done to your...(SEEING THAT IT'S ACTUALLY LILITH) Ahhhhhhhhh. 

LILITH 

Will everyone stop doing that! Yes I'm here. I'm not the wicked witch of the north. Just deal with it. 

ROZ 

I'm sorry I was just a little... 

LILITH 

Let me guess just a little surprised. 

ROZ 

Yeah well I'll let you get back to your dinner and I'll get back to mine. 

LILITH TURNS TO LOOK AT HER DATE 

LILITH 

He looks delicious. Well if you'll excuse me while I go to the powder room. 

LILITH EXITS TO THE BATHROOM BEFORE ROZ SITS IN HER CHAIR 

ROZ 

I should have gone with her to finally see if she actually has a reflection when she looks in the mirror. What is going on? 

FRASIER 

She has a conference tomorrow and just dropped by to say hello and give me several strokes in the process. 

ROZ 

Don't let Allison see you with her. 

FRASIER 

And what are the chances of that happening? 

ROZ 

I guess you're right. 

ALLISON ENTERS AND SEEING FRASIER STARTS TO WALK TO HIM 

FRASIER 

Oh dear God. 

ROZ 

She's here isn't she? 

FRASIER 

Is there only one restaurant in the entire city of Seattle?! Have all the others burnt down while we've been in here?! Where are you going? 

ROZ 

This could get ugly I'm going to get a ring side seat. Can you turn around slightly so I can see your reaction from my table? 

ROZ QUICKLY GOES BACK TO HER TABLE AS ALLISON REACHES FRASIER'S 

ALLISON 

Frasier hi! What are you doing here? Are you here with your brother? 

FRASIER 

Not exactly. What are you doing here? 

ALLISON 

My sister flew in from out of town. I told you she was coming. 

LILITH ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM AND SITS STRAIGHT DOWN PICKING UP HER MENU 

LILITH 

Finally someone wants to take our order. I'll have the... 

FRASIER 

Actually Lilith this is Allison my girlfriend. Allison this is Lilith...my ex wife. 

ALLISON 

Your ex wife? Well this is certainly a surprise. 

FRASIER 

You have no idea. 

ALLISON 

Well don't let me disturb you. I'll speak to you tomorrow. 

ALLISON MAKES HER WAY BACK TO THE ENTRANCE 

LILITH 

I'm sensing that didn't go well. 

AS FRASIER HIDES HIS FACE IN HIS MENU WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FOX AND WHISTLE — EVENING — DAY/1   
(Daphne, Niles, Alan, Annie, Mia, Gaz) 

DAPHNE AND NILES ENTER THE CROWDED PUB. NILES LOOKS A LITTLE MORE CASUAL NOW AFTER HAVING REMOVED HIS TIE AND UNBUTTONED HIS SHIRT A LITTLE. ALAN, A BARTENDER WORKS AWAY BEHIND THE BAR TO THE RIGHT HAND SIDE. ANNIE AND MIA SIT BY THE WALL AND NEXT TO THE SNOOKER TABLE ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE WITH A LARGE CAKE IN FRONT OF THEM AS GAZ SETS THE BALLS ON THE TABLE OUT 

DAPHNE 

Okay now any complaining and you can go home. 

NILES 

When do I ever complain? (THINKING) Oh all right I'll rephrase. When do I ever complain about somewhere that you take me? 

DAPHNE LEADS NILES TO THE BAR 

ALAN 

All right Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

All right Alan. 

ALAN 

You're a bit late. The girls have already got a head start on you. You've missed two rounds. They're completely off their trolleys. 

NILES 

They're what? 

ALAN 

Hello. Who's this then? 

DAPHNE 

Niles this is Alan. Alan this is Niles, my fiancé. 

NILES 

How do you do. 

NILES AND ALAN SHAKE HANDS 

ALAN 

Blimey so this is the famous Niles. I was beginning to wonder if we'd ever get a butchers at you. 

NILES 

A what? 

ALAN 

A butchers. 

DAPHNE 

Butchers hook. Look. 

NILES 

Oh right. I often wondered if I'd get a look at this place. 

ALAN 

Can I get you a bevy? 

DAPHNE 

Can I have the usual Alan please. 

ALAN 

Sure one pint coming up. 

NILES 

A pint? You're drinking beer? 

DAPHNE 

It's not the sherry kind of place sweetheart. 

ALAN 

I think I may have a bottle of sherry somewhere back here. 

ALAN FINDS A DUSTY BOTTLE ON THE SHELF AND PLACES IT IN FRONT OF NILES 

ALAN (CONT'D) 

Here we are. It's a little old. And the cap seems to have been replaced with play dough. But it smells normal enough. Well within a degree or two. Here you smell it. 

ALAN THRUSTS THE BOTTLE AT NILES SO HE HAS TO SMELL IT RESULTING IN NILES LOOKING AS IF HE'S GOING TO BE SICK 

NILES 

I think I'll just have a beer. 

ANNIE 

(SHOUTS) Daphne! There you are. Come here. 

DAPHNE MOVES ACROSS THE ROOM TO JOIN THEM 

ALAN 

There you go me old man. Actually I'm glad you're here, maybe you can stop your trouble and strife and her mates from getting a little rowdy. 

NILES LOOKS AT HIS CONFUSED 

ALAN (CONT'D) 

(EXPLAINING) Trouble and strife. Wife. 

ALAN FINISHES POURING THEIR PINTS AND GIVES THEM TO NILES 

ANNIE 

Is that Niles? 

DAPHNE 

Yeah. He wanted to come and I finally agreed. Please be gentle with him. Niles, come here. 

NILES WALKS OVER TO THEM, HANDS DAPHNE HER DRINK BEFORE SITTING DOWN 

NILES 

Good evening ladies. 

ANNIE 

It's a surprise to see you down here. 

NILES 

Well I thought I'd have a butchers at the old place with my future trouble and strife here. 

DAPHNE 

And I think you've had enough of that. 

DAPHNE MOVES NILES' DRINK AWAY FROM HIM 

MIA 

Hi I'm Mia. I must say you're not exactly what I expected. 

NILES 

I'm not sure if I should take that in a good way or a bad way. 

MIA 

(FLIRTING) Oh definitely a good way. 

DAPHNE 

Oh all right back off he's spoken for. I smell more fresh meat over there for you to attack. 

ANNIE 

Daphne, as promised after we beat him at snooker Alan brought us this. Double chocolate fudge cake. Don't you just want to rub it all over your body? 

ANNIE AND DAPHNE START TO EAT SOME OF THE CAKE 

DAPHNE 

But then you wouldn't be able to reach all places to eat it. 

ANNIE 

Oh believe me I'd find a way. 

MIA 

Heaven in pudding form. 

DAPHNE 

God who said eating chocolate was like having sex. 

ANNIE 

Someone who obviously wasn't getting any. 

NILES 

What sex? 

ANNIE 

No chocolate. This is far better then any sexual experience I've ever had and I'll admit I've had a few in the last few days that spring to mind. 

DAPHNE 

Oh me too...(REALISING THAT NILES IS LISTENING AND COVERING) I mean Mia try some. 

GAZ WALKS OVER TO THEM WITH TWO SNOOKER CUES 

GAZ 

All right love. Who's this you've brought with you? Your lawyer? 

DAPHNE 

This is my fiancé Niles, Niles this is Gaz. 

NILES 

It's a pleasure. 

THEY SHAKES HANDS 

GAZ 

So you're Daphne's old man. Fancy a game of snooker? 

NILES 

I'm not really the sportsman. 

GAZ 

Come on. We need one more. 

NILES 

Okay then. 

NILES STANDS AND FOLLOWS GAZ TO THE TABLE WHERE HE GIVES HIM HIS CUE 

DAPHNE 

This can only end in disaster. 

ANNIE 

What damage can he do to himself playing snooker? 

DAPHNE 

You're right. It's not like he can impale himself. 

NILES GOES TO TAKE A SHOT BUT UNFORTUNATELY MISSES THE BALL, WHACKS THE CUE AGAINST THE TABLE INSTEAD CAUSING IT TO REBOUND UP AND HIT HIM IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS FOREHEAD. HE THEN STUMBLES BACK A LITTLE STUNNED 

ANNIE 

Only knock himself out. 

AS DAPHNE SHAKES HER HEAD AT HIM WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(E) 

TITLE CARD: "IT COULD BE WORSE, THE COMPETITION COULD BE A RAW CHICKEN" 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Niles, Allison) 

FRASIER AND NILES SIT BY THE WINDOW IN NERVOSA. NEITHER OF THEM LOOK PARTICULARLY HAPPY 

FRASIER 

What is wrong with your head? 

NILES 

I might have hit myself in the head with a snooker cue several times last night. 

FRASIER 

Might have? 

NILES 

All right I did. I nearly blinded myself with the chalk. Why aren't there safety warnings printed on those things? 

FRASIER 

Maybe they thought most people would know not to beat themselves about the head with it. So how were things at the pub? 

NILES 

(OBVIOUSLY LYING) It was great. Fantastic. I had the time of my life. 

FRASIER 

You come back looking as if you could do with some emergency cosmetic surgery to remove that dent from your forehead and you claim you had a fantastic time? 

NILES 

Oh all right it was hellish. 

FRASIER 

Then why did you put yourself through it? 

NILES 

I just want to be with her. 

FRASIER 

So much so that you decided to beat yourself about the head with a snooker cue. 

NILES 

And I drank beer. 

FRASIER 

Dear God you will go to any extreme to be with her won't you? 

NILES 

And to make matters worse I now have to try to out perform a double chocolate fudge cake in bed. 

FRASIER 

I don't even want to know what that means. 

NILES 

So how was your evening? I take it since you're still in one piece you didn't sleep with her. 

FRASIER 

Oh it was much worse then that. 

NILES 

How could it be possibly worse then that? 

FRASIER 

I took her out to dinner and we ran into Allison. 

NILES 

You're joking. 

FRASIER 

If only I were. 

NILES 

What happened? 

FRASIER 

Allison was a little shocked to say the least. 

NILES 

I'm not surprised. Seeing a person with virtually no skin pigmentation for the first time is bound to be startling. 

FRASIER 

She went off before I had a proper chance to explain what was going on. I have to admit that it did look a little incriminating. 

NILES 

You were just having dinner. Surely she'll understand that after you've had a chance to explain. It wasn't as if Lilith had her foot in your mouth. (THEN) She didn't did she? 

FRASIER 

No. 

NILES 

I just thought I'd check. 

ALLISON ENTERS ALSO LOOKING QUITE MISERABLE 

ALLISON 

Good afternoon Frasier, Niles. 

NILES STANDS TO LEAVE 

NILES 

Afternoon. Well I should be going I have a patient. Although maybe he'd like to switch and listen to my problems this afternoon for a change. 

ALLISON 

What happened to your head? 

NILES 

Snooker cue. 

ALLISON 

Okay interesting. 

NILES EXITS AND ALLISON SITS IN THE NOW VACATED SEAT 

FRASIER 

I'm so glad you came. 

ALLISON 

Me too. Explanation please. What were you doing with your ex wife? And don't say having dinner. 

FRASIER 

She's flown in for a conference and just stopped by to say hello. We spent nearly the whole time talking about our son. That's it. 

ALLISON 

That's it? 

FRASIER 

Nothing else. She's flying home later today. As soon as her broomstick gets clearance to take off I think. 

ALLISON 

Good because I should hate to have to drown you in Puget Sound. 

FRASIER 

That makes two of us. 

AS THE WAITER COMES OVER TO TAKE AN ORDER WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Martin, Roz, Niles, Daphne, Lilith, Diane, Eddie) 

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR READING THE PAPER AS FRASIER POTTERS ABOUT THE ROOM GETTING READY FOR A DATE AND EDDIE SITS ON THE COUCH. THE ROOM DOESN'T REALLY NEED ANYTHING ELSE DONE TO IT BUT FRASIER STRAIGHTENS EVERYTHING ONCE AGAIN. HE THEN MOVES TOWARDS MARTIN 

FRASIER 

Stand up. 

MARTIN 

Can't you just dust around me? There can't be much under me. 

FRASIER 

I actually meant stand up and leave the apartment. 

MARTIN 

You're throwing me out? 

FRASIER 

It's not as if I'm forcing you to sleep in a cardboard box on the street corner. Just go to McGinty's I have a date. 

MARTIN 

Well I guess I shouldn't complain it doesn't happen very often. But hey Niles and Daphne are still here. 

MARTIN STANDS AND GETS HIS COAT 

FRASIER 

And I'll be throwing them out next. Now off you go. 

MARTIN 

I'll leave when they leave. 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER 

Who can that be? It can't be Allison it's really early. If it is her behave until you leave or I'll be throwing you out over the balcony not the door. 

MARTIN 

What's the big deal? 

FRASIER 

I'm still trying to make up to her over last night with Lilith. Having an old man swilling beer sitting in the corner will not help that. 

FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS

ROZ 

Hi Frasier. 

FRASIER 

No I'm trying to get everyone to leave not let even more people in here. Out you go. 

ROZ 

Thank you Mr. hospitality. I'm here for Daphne and then I'm gone. 

NILES ENTERS FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM AND SITS ON THE COUCH 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Oh hi Niles. Is Daphne in her room? 

NILES 

Yeah go on through. 

ROZ EXITS TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM 

FRASIER 

(TO NILES) You need think you're stopping there all night dampening the mood. I have a date. 

NILES 

Don't worry I'm going to the pub with Daphne and Roz. 

FRASIER 

But you hate it. 

NILES 

It's taken this long for her to invite me down there I'm not going to give up now. Nearly loosing my vision won't stop me. 

DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER FROM HER ROOM 

DAPHNE 

Right we're all ready to go. (TO NILES) So are you coming to the pub with us tonight? 

NILES 

Are you sure you really want to go with me? Isn't there a chocolate cake you'd rather go with? 

DAPHNE 

Oh I've told you. I had to say that. At the time we were sitting with a group of sex starved liquored up women. I was hardly going to say "I actually disagree because since I've started dating you I'm having the best sex ever. But you girls enjoy your cake." 

NILES 

Really? The best ever? 

DAPHNE 

Oh dear God. I'm not having this conversation again today. 

FRASIER 

And it's certainly more then what I wanted to hear. 

ROZ 

You're telling me. There's a month of nightmares ready to be had. 

FRASIER 

Okay now everybody out. 

FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND MARTIN, DAPHNE, NILES AND ROZ EXIT. FRASIER SHUTS THE DOOR AND STARES AT THE ROOM. HE DIMS THE LIGHTS BEFORE MOVING TO THE TABLE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Okay wine? Check. 

FRASIER POURS HIMSELF A LITTLE WINE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

And it tastes...interesting flavour. Eddie have you been licking the neck of the bottle? Don't hide your face from me. Why does this taste of essence of dog drool? It's not like tasting an essence of vanilla. 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Ah, she's eager and very early. Always a good sign. (TO EDDIE) You behave yourself. A second to compose myself. 

FRASIER STANDS BY THE DOOR AND COLLECTS HIMSELF. HE THEN TURNS THE STEREO ON AND THE ROOM IS FILLED WITH SOFT MUSIC 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Oh Frasier at least give her a fighting chance. 

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND LILITH ENTERS

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Ahhhhhhhhh. 

LILITH 

Will you stop doing that! 

FRASIER 

What are you doing here? 

FRASIER DRAGS HER INSIDE AND SHUTS THE DOOR 

LILITH 

My conference ran over so I'm here until tomorrow and since you are the only person I know in the city I didn't think you'd object to spending a little time with me. 

FRASIER 

Well I do Allison is on her way around this evening. 

LILITH 

Ah yes I should have known. The dimmed lights and several bottles of wine an obvious sign that you plan to pounce on her when she's not looking. 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER 

Oh no she's here. You've got to hide. 

LILITH 

I most certainly will not. 

FRASIER 

Oh just get in the bathroom for one moment. 

LILITH RATHER RELUCTANTLY EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM. FRASIER THEN ONCE AGAIN TAKES A SECOND TO COLLECT HIMSELF. HE THEN OPENS THE DOOR AND DIANE ENTERS

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Ahhhhhhhhh. 

AS FRASIER LOOKS AT DIANE IN SHOCK AND DIANE LOOKS VERY CONCERNED WE: 

FADE OUT 

(G) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FOX AND WHISTLE — EVENING — DAY/2

DAPHNE, NILES, ROZ, ANNIE AND MIA ALL SIT AS THEY DID ON THE PREVIOUS NIGHT WITH GAZ PLAYING SNOOKER. ALAN IS OF COURSE BEHIND THE BAR 

GAZ 

Hey Niles how's your noggin? 

NILES 

Just fine thanks. (TO DAPHNE) I presume he's talking about my head. Or should I be challenging him to a fight? 

DAPHNE 

Yes he was talking about your head. 

ROZ 

How did you manage to hit yourself so hard on the head with that? 

NILES 

The whole thing is pretty much a blur. 

ROZ 

Is there any chance you could do it a little harder so we have to call some paramedics. I wonder if you can ask for hot ones only. 

NILES 

Doubtful. 

ANNIE 

Forget the paramedics Gaz has got my name written all over him. 

MIA 

That's even truer since you got him drunk and took him to the tattoo parlour. 

DAPHNE 

I still find it strange that they call them tattoo parlours. You expect the Queen to pop in and have a cuppa with you while they do it to distract you. 

GAZ 

Anyone up for a round? 

ROZ 

I'll take you on. 

ANNIE 

This I've got to see. 

ROZ, ANNIE AND MIA ALL MOVE TO THE SNOOKER TABLE WITH DAPHNE ABOUT TO FOLLOW THEM 

DAPHNE 

Are you coming sweetheart? 

NILES 

I think I'll get another drink first. I'll be right over. 

NILES MOVES OVER TO THE BAR AND SITS DOWN 

ALAN 

What's the matter with your mug? 

NILES 

There's a small crack in it but other then that nothing. 

ALAN 

I meant your face. 

NILES 

Oh. Well I don't exactly fit in down here. 

ALAN 

Is that such a bad thing? 

NILES 

When you want to spend all your free time with one person yes. 

ALAN 

Spending a little time apart is not going to kill the pair of you. I've always thought having separate interests are good for a relationship because of the compromises it involves. And anyway when you're not here, you're still here. 

NILES 

What are you talking about? 

ALAN 

Daphne. She talks about you none stop from the moment she walks into here until the moment she leaves. I've started selling earplugs behind the bar. She was driving most of the custom away. 

NILES 

Really? 

ALAN 

As I said even when you're not here, you're still here. And what's that old expression? Absence makes the heart grow fonder? 

NILES 

I thought I was the psychiatrist here. 

ALAN 

I'm a bartender. Everyone tells me their problems. You see Derek on the end. I won't bother telling you what his wife did to him with a stoat when she found out he'd been playing away from home if you know what I mean. 

NILES 

No I don't think I do want to know. Although the fact that he's sitting on an inflatable cushion doesn't mean you have to be a detective to work this one out. I might just call it a night. 

ALAN 

I hope I see you sometime in the near future. 

NILES 

Maybe every now and again. 

NILES WALKS OVER TO DAPHNE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Daphne, I'm going to go. 

DAPHNE 

Why? 

NILES 

Because you're here with your friends and I just feel in the way and a little out of place. 

DAPHNE 

No you're not. 

NILES 

Look we can't be together all the time it's just one of those things I have to accept. At least I got to see what goes on here. But how about I see you back at my place. 

DAPHNE 

You've got a date. I won't be late. 

NILES 

Could not, would not, want to wait. 

DAPHNE 

I think it's time you left the beer alone. 

AS THEY KISS BEFORE NILES GOES TO LEAVE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(H) 

TITLE CARD: "WITCHCRAFT" 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Diane, Lilith, Martin, Allison, Eddie) 

FRASIER SITS ON THE COUCH WITH HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS AS LILITH AND DIANE PERCH EITHER SIDE OF HIM ON THE ARMS OF THE COUCH 

FRASIER 

I'm not sure how much longer I can stall Allison without killing off a member of my immediate family. (TO DIANE) Now what are you doing here? 

DIANE 

Allison? Who is Allison? 

LILITH 

New girlfriend. 

DIANE 

Oh really? Have you met her? 

LILITH 

Briefly. 

DIANE 

Ooh what's she like? 

FRASIER 

If you don't mind I don't think it's terribly appropriate for you two to be discussing my love life. 

DIANE 

Why not? 

FRASIER 

How about because you both dumped me and then jumped up and down on my heart in your high heeled shoes until there was no life left in it. 

LILITH 

Well if you call that a reason. 

FRASIER 

(TO LILITH) I know why you are here. (TO DIANE) What are you doing here? 

DIANE 

I was in the area and... 

FRASIER 

(SHOUTS) Why? Why were you in the area? Why is everyone suddenly descending on Seattle like a plague of locusts? What have I done to offend the Gods? 

DIANE 

I didn't think you'd mind. It's just a quick lay over before I go to Hawaii for a few days with my new beau. You always said you'd be here for me when I needed you. 

LILITH 

He said that to me as well. 

FRASIER 

And now how I regret those words. 

DIANE 

Frasier I really need to talk to you about my new love interest before I make another mistake. 

FRASIER 

What apart from coming here tonight? Oh fine go ahead. 

DIANE 

I'd rather do it without witnesses. 

LILITH 

I believe I was here first. 

DIANE 

What does that have to do with anything? 

LILITH 

I think I have more claim here. At least I did marry him. 

DIANE 

I was confused and emotionally unbalanced and in love with another man. 

LILITH 

How is that different from every other day of your life? 

FRASIER 

Why do I feel as if I've stumbled upon the Twilight Zone? 

DIANE 

I don't really want you to hear this Lilith. 

FRASIER 

I don't even want to hear this. I just want my date to go smoothly for once in my life. Is that too much to ask? 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Apparently so. That's her. What am I going to do? Both of you hide. I'll take her out of the room and you can both call me tomorrow. 

FRASIER STARTS TO PUSH THEM BOTH TOWARDS THE KITCHEN 

DIANE 

But Frasier... 

FRASIER 

Both of you in the kitchen. Nope of second thoughts there's always a chance you'll set each other on fire. 

FRASIER PUSHES DIANE TOWARDS THE KITCHEN AND SHE EXITS BEFORE HE LEADS LILITH TO THE BATHROOM 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Lilith into the bathroom. 

LILITH EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM BEFORE FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND MARTIN ENTERS

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Dad what are you doing here? 

MARTIN 

The cable's gone out at McGinty's so I've come back to take Eddie out. 

FRASIER 

Why were you ringing the bell? 

MARTIN 

I left my keys in my other pants. 

FRASIER 

Oh right well off you go. 

MARTIN 

Just a second I need to 

MARTIN OPENS THE BATHROOM DOOR AND SEES LILITH

MARTIN (CONT'D) 

Ahhhhhhhhh! 

LILITH 

Hello again Martin. 

MARTIN 

I'm sorry, I thought you'd gone back to Boston. 

LILITH 

It ran over. 

MARTIN 

Oh well that's nice. I'm off the take Eddie out after I've had a very badly needed beer. 

MARTIN EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

Wait for it, it's coming. 

MARTIN 

(OFF STAGE) Ahhhhhhhhh 

FRASIER 

There it is. 

MARTIN ENTERS LOOKING COMPLETELY FREAKED WITH DIANE FOLLOWING HIM 

DIANE 

I'm so sorry to startle you Martin. 

MARTIN GRABS EDDIE AND SPRINTS TO THE FRONT DOOR AS FAST AS HE CAN 

MARTIN 

Going to the dog park. Call me when it's safe to come home. 

FRASIER 

The dog park isn't exactly going to be safe at this time of night. 

MARTIN 

Trust me it's safer then here. 

MARTIN AND EDDIE EXIT

FRASIER 

Okay now the pair of you off you go. 

DIANE 

But Frasier... 

FRASIER 

But Frasier nothing. The pair of you have done nothing but plague my life. Now when I finally get to the point when I can truly move on without either of you as baggage and find a woman that I honestly like and can see a future with you show up and try to crap all over it. Now why don't you both call me in the morning and I will give you both my undue attention and support. 

DIANE 

Fine. 

LILITH 

I think crap was a bit strong. 

FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR FOR THEM TO LEAVE AND ALLISON ENTERS

FRASIER 

Allison! 

LILITH 

We were just leaving. Nice to see you again. Goodbye. 

LILITH AND DIANE EXIT AND FRASIER SHUTS THE DOOR 

FRASIER 

I can explain. 

ALLISON 

I should hope so. Now who was the other woman? Your first wife? 

FRASIER 

No actually I never married Diane. She left me at the alter before I had a chance. 

ALLISON 

I bet you can guess why I'm freaked out by this. 

FRASIER 

Yes I can. Okay time for an explanation. I'm not going to lie to you. They have both played very big parts in my life and I'm here for them whenever they need me and I hope vice versa. Neither is something that happens very often. But nothing is and never will be going on. The fact that one slept with my best friend and the other my brother may tip you off as to why. So are we going to be okay? 

ALLISON 

I'm going to be fine. Are you? 

FRASIER 

Yes. 

ALLISON 

Then I guess we'll be okay. 

AS FRASIER GETS THEM BOTH A GLASS OF WINE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(I) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FOX AND WHISTLE — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Roz, Daphne, Alan, Donny) 

DAPHNE AND ROZ SIT AT THE BAR WHICH IS NOW A LOT LESS CROWDED. AS ALAN POTTERS ABOUT BEHIND THE BAR ROZ FINISHES HER DRINK AND STANDS TO LEAVE 

ROZ 

I have to relieve my babysitter. I'll speak to you tomorrow. Bye Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

Bye Roz. 

ROZ EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

ALAN 

Can I get you another Daph? 

DAPHNE 

No I'm going to finish this and then I'm off home. 

DONNY ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND GLANCES AROUND THE PLACE 

ALAN 

Don't I know him? 

DAPHNE TURNS AROUND TO SEE 

DAPHNE 

Oh my God Donny! 

DONNY 

Daphne! 

DAPHNE 

What are you doing here? 

DONNY 

I was just walking past. Well to be perfectly honest I saw it and thought about having a quick drink here for old times sake. I didn't expect to run into you here. 

DAPHNE 

That makes two of us. 

A BEAT 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

How are you? 

DONNY 

Not bad. You? 

DAPHNE 

Fine thank you. 

A BEAT 

DONNY 

I see you've finally got a ring on that finger. Still Niles? 

DAPHNE 

Of course. 

DONNY 

Of course. Can I get you a drink? 

DAPHNE 

Erm...well I was just...oh go on then. Just a quick one. 

DONNY SITS NEXT TO DAPHNE AT THE BAR AS ROZ ENTERS BUT ON SEEING DONNY STAYS BY THE ENTRANCE 

ALAN 

I thought you'd left. 

ROZ 

Forgot my coat. Well bye again. 

ROZ TAKES HER COAT OFF THE PEG BY THE ENTRANCE AND EXITS AGAIN AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: MARTIN ENTERS INTO THE LIVING ROOM THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR LOOKING A LITTLE NERVOUS. HE HANGS HIS COAT UP AND THEN GOES TO THE BATHROOM DOOR. HE PLUCKS UP THE COURAGE TO OPEN IT AND IS RELIEVED TO SEE THAT NO ONE IS THERE. HE THEN GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND LOOKS INSIDE AND IS ONCE AGAIN RELIEVED TO SEE THAT NO ONE IS THERE. 


	19. Episode Nineteen

_I don't own any of these characters. All right belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_This one is for Marisa since she requested it and gave me the initial idea. At first I was wasn't looking forward to writing it because I wasn't sure what I was going to do with it. In the end I was quite pleased with the outcome. _

_The majority of this was written at around thirty-five thousand feet above the Atlantic so if the characters suddenly complain about Hitler flight attendants throwing peanuts at them, you'll know why. Any feedback would be appreciated so please send it to kelly_simba@hotmail.com _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Nine Episode Nineteen   
School Daze 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: "WHERE THERE'S A WILL, THERE'S A WAY" 

FADE IN: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Kenny, Will, Roz) 

FRASIER STANDS IN THE EMPTY BOOTH HOLDING THE PHONE UP TO HIS EAR WITH ONE HAND AND HIS OTHER HAND ON HIS HIP 

FRASIER 

(ON PHONE) Roz where are you? Now is not the time to screen calls. I'm not some angry wife baying for your blood and demanding to know where her husband is. Phone me back as soon as you get this message. 

FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE AND SITS DOWN. HE THEN SUDDENLY JUMPS BACK UP, PICKS UP THE PHONE AND DIALS 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

(ON PHONE) On second thoughts don't phone me back just get here, phoning me will just waste valuable time. 

FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE AGAIN BUT IMMEDIATELY PICKS IT BACK UP AGAIN AND DIALS 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

(ON PHONE) I forgot to add are you aware that we have a show to do this afternoon? There are scads of desperately sick people out there who need us and I mean for me to treat them not for you to sleep with them. Phone me. No don't phone me. Have I already said that? You'll just waste time. Just get here. Actually if I continue talking I'm going to waste even more of your time if you do actually pick up this message. Which I hope you don't pick it up now. By now I mean one fifty five because that means you'll never get here on time. I'm just wasting more time. I should go now. I'm going. See Frasier leave. Bye. 

FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE AGAIN AND SITS DOWN TAPPING HIS FINGERS FRANTICALLY ON THE CONSOLE AS KENNY ENTERS. FRASIER SPRINGS TO HIS FEET 

KENNY 

Hi Doc. 

FRASIER 

Oh hello Kenny. Have you seen Roz? 

KENNY 

Yes I have. 

FRASIER 

Where? She's not beating up the vending machine again is she? She got her foot caught in the candy shoot last time. I had to pry it out with a shoe horse. 

KENNY 

Oh you mean have I seen her today. 

FRASIER 

Yes I do. 

KENNY 

Oh right now I understand. 

FRASIER 

So have you? 

KENNY 

What? Seen her beating up the vending machine? 

FRASIER 

Have you seen her at all either kicking or not kicking an inanimate object? It really doesn't matter which. 

KENNY 

Not today. 

FRASIER SLUMPS BACK DOWN IN HIS SEAT 

FRASIER 

Thank you Kenny it's always a pleasure talking to you. I'm going to start bringing sedatives to work with me. If I don't use them all on myself it may make everyone else here more bearable. I don't think I'd get a stun gun past security. 

KENNY 

Doc I come baring gifts. 

FRASIER 

The last time I was told that at this station Bulldog had bought me a t-shirt from Hooters. The waitress was still wearing it at the time. 

KENNY 

That kind of ruins my gift. It's nowhere near as fancy. 

WILL, A YOUNG MAN IN HIS TWENTIES AND EXQUISITELY DRESSED, ENTERS

KENNY (CONT'D) 

Dr. Frasier Crane this is Will Fellows. Will this is Dr. Crane. Will is your new assistant. 

WILL 

It's a pleasure to meet you Dr. Crane. 

FRASIER AND WILL SHAKE HANDS 

FRASIER 

Likewise. Kenny when was this decided? 

KENNY 

A couple of weeks ago. It's only on a trial basis to see if the two of you get along. If you do then who knows it could become full time. 

FRASIER 

This is certainly a surprise to say the least. 

WILL 

I want you to know Dr. Crane that I'm here for you for whatever you need. If you have a dead hooker in your booth covered in baby oil that you need to get rid of before anyone sees, I'm the man you call. 

FRASIER 

I seriously doubt that will ever happen. 

KENNY 

You can't be too sure. These consoles are getting old. It won't be long before they short circuit and electrocute someone. 

WILL 

If there's a pretty girl waiting by the front door you'd like to get to know better, just call on Will. If someone parks in your space just call on Will. I'll even supply some earplugs to protect you from the noise of the explosion. You name it. I'll do it for you. Now can I get you a coffee before your show starts? A massage? A pastry of some sort? 

FRASIER 

Erm...yes well a coffee would be fine thank you Will. I can't really ask you to give me a massage during my show. 

WILL 

I gave Kenny one during my job interview. Which reminds me Kenny shall I send your assistant some flowers? I think she was a little alarmed to see me straddling you naked on your desk when she walked in. It wasn't as if I was making you wear a dog collar now was it? 

KENNY 

Yes thank you Will. 

FRASIER STARES AT KENNY 

KENNY (CONT'D) 

What? I had to make sure he wasn't going to hurt your shoulders. 

WILL 

Before I do that Dr. Crane can I just get your initials on a couple of memo's so that I can get them sent off. 

WILL PLACES A COUPLE OF PIECES OF PAPER IN FRONT OF FRASIER AND PUTS A PEN IN HIS HAND 

FRASIER 

Of course. Although I generally like to read what I sign before... 

FRASIER SIGNS IT AND WILL PULLS IT AWAY BEFORE HE REALLY HAS A CHANCE TO READ WHAT IT WAS 

WILL 

Now you just relax and I'll take care of everything for you. Well except healing the masses, I'll leave the expert up to that. 

WILL EXITS OUT OF THE BOOTH 

FRASIER 

What questions did you ask at the interview? I think you left out the question are you slightly insane and frightening. 

KENNY SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS AND EXITS AS ROZ ENTERS INTO HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH OUT OF BREATH 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Roz! Where have you been? 

ROZ 

Frasier don't start. I've just been pulled over by the Police. 

FRASIER GOES INTO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH 

FRASIER 

For what? 

ROZ 

Nothing much. 

FRASIER 

Nothing much as in you had an old lady with a cane spread-eagled on the hood of your car or nothing much as in you were flipping off the truck drivers again about their mud flaps and they got a little angry? 

ROZ 

Neither. I just got a speeding ticket. I don't know what the guy's problem was. I was only doing ninety in a forty mile an hour speed zone. It's not like I had a whole group of Nun's hanging from the back of my car by their rosary beads. 

FRASIER 

Why were you going that fast in the first place? 

ROZ 

I was already a little late for the show because...let's just say I had someone doing some work in my apartment who didn't leave until about a half an hour ago. And before you pull that face he was there tilling my kitchen. 

FRASIER 

Oh I bet he was. I see so that's why you were speeding? To get here on time for the show? 

ROZ 

No, as I was sitting at the lights I saw the cutest guy in the whole wide world in the lane next to me. As I was following him... 

FRASIER 

You were following him? 

ROZ 

How else am I supposed to meet good-looking, single men? I do have a child you know. My social life consists of well, just you and you're hardly a magnet for me to meet attractive single men. So as I was following him he switched lanes and took a right and shook me off. I had to go around the block and speed up a little to catch up with him. 

FRASIER 

Well at least you're late for a good reason. 

FRASIER GOES BACK INTO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH AS WILL ENTERS WITH A CUP OF COFFEE AND SOME MORE MEMO'S 

WILL 

Dr. Crane here is your coffee. I need your signature on a couple of promotional suggestions that Kenny has just given me. 

FRASIER 

Well I actually would like... 

ONCE AGAIN WILL MAKES HIM SIGN THEM BEFORE HE'S REALLY HAD A CHANCE TO READ THEM 

WILL 

Just there and there. Thank you. 

WILL REMOVES THE PAPER FROM FRASIER AS HE TRIES TO READ IT 

WILL (CONT'D) 

(RE: ROZ) Is this woman bothering you? 

FRASIER 

No this is Roz my producer. 

WILL ENTERS INTO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH 

WILL 

(TO ROZ) Okay. I've got my eye on you. Watch out. 

WILL EXITS OUT OF THE BOOTH 

ROZ 

Who is that? 

FRASIER 

He's my assistant. 

ROZ 

What's he going to assist you in? Strangling kittens? 

AS FRASIER PUTS HIS HEADPHONES ON TO START THE SHOW WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/1   
(Martin, Daphne, Niles, Frasier, Will, Roz) 

THE LIVING ROOM IS FULL OF FLOWERS COVERING THE TABLE AND THE CONSOLE AS DAPHNE POTTERS AROUND SMELLING THEM AND COMPARING THE COLOURS. MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM LOOKING A LITTLE STARTLED BY WHAT HE SEES 

MARTIN 

Has somebody died? Where's Eddie? If he's gone over the balcony Frasier will follow him first and I'll ask questions later. 

DAPHNE 

No one has died. 

MARTIN 

Am I dying? Has Dr. Stewart called? 

DAPHNE 

No, no one's called. What's the matter? 

MARTIN 

Then what's with all the flowers? 

DAPHNE 

Niles and me are trying to pick the right ones for the wedding. 

MARTIN SITS DOWN IN HIS CHAIR AND LOOKS AROUND HIM 

MARTIN 

Have you ever seen 'Day of the Triffids'? 

DAPHNE 

I hardly think they're about to sprout legs and start to attack you, although this one does seem to be following me around the room. They're only a few flowers. 

NILES ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR WITH HIS ARMS FULL OF FLOWERS 

NILES 

And here's the rest of them. 

MARTIN 

This must have cost you a fortune. 

NILES PUTS THE FLOWERS DOWN ON THE DINNING TABLE AS DAPHNE JOINS HIM TO LOOK AT THEM 

NILES 

Actually it hasn't cost me a thing yet. We have several companies trying to woo us into letting them do the flowers for the wedding. They've all been giving us free samples. 

MARTIN 

Can't you get any catering companies to try to woo you and send you free samples of meat? 

NILES 

Sadly Dad that's still on my to do list. I'm worried they'll go overboard like they've done with the flowers and actually send us several whole cows. I doubt we'd fit them in the freezer. 

FRASIER AND WILL ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

FRASIER 

Good evening everyone. What's with all the flowers? Who died? 

WILL 

Dr. Crane I told you before I can handle this situation. Does anyone know about the body yet? Exactly how many pieces is it in? And do you have a large kitchen knife and plenty of saran wrap? 

NILES 

They're for the wedding and oh by the way who are you? 

FRASIER 

This is Will, my new personal assistant. Will this is my father Martin, my brother Niles and his fiancée Daphne. 

WILL 

It's a pleasure. Okay Dr. Crane what can I do for you? 

FRASIER 

My fan mail could do with thinning out a bit. I need all letters that contain death threats, offers to cut my toenails, and bits of dead animals removed before I can answer them. 

WILL 

It would be my pleasure Dr. Crane. 

FRASIER 

I have a large bag full of mail by my bed in my bedroom. It's down there, the first door on your right. 

WILL EXITS TOWARDS FRASIER'S ROOM 

NILES 

He's a bit scary. 

FRASIER 

He's just eager to impress. 

MARTIN 

By offering to dispose of bodies? 

FRASIER 

He may be a little unbalanced I'll admit. He made me stop the car on the way to Nervosa so he could chase after a pigeon that flew in front of my car and caused me to brake suddenly. I was parked up for twenty minutes waiting for him to return, when he did he was covered in water and clutching a fist full of feathers. 

DAPHNE 

You're not seriously going to keep him? 

FRASIER 

Well he is very efficient and he can give a back rub like no one else in...(REALISING HE'S ABOUT TO OFFEND DAPHNE) like no one else at the station. 

NILES 

Well just be careful that while he's doing it you don't find an ice pick between your shoulder blades. 

DAPHNE 

With me holding the handle. 

WILL ENTERS FROM FRASIER'S ROOM WITH A BAG OF ENVELOPES 

WILL 

Okay Dr. Crane I can soon have this sorted. (TO NILES) Hey short guy would you mind moving your flowers to another room. We don't want the pollen to affect Dr. Crane's delicate vocal cords now do we? 

NILES 

No Sir. 

WILL 

I'll make you a coffee first Dr. Crane. 

WILL EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

NILES 

Short guy? 

DAPHNE 

Are you going to argue with him? 

NILES 

No ma'am. 

NILES AND DAPHNE SCOOP UP ALL THE FLOWERS AND EXIT TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM 

SFX: DOORBELL

WILL ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN 

WILL 

I'll get that for you Dr. Crane. 

WILL LOOKS THROUGH THE SPY HOLE 

WILL (CONT'D) 

It's Roz. Do I let her in or would you like me to have a little talk with her? 

FRASIER 

Roz come on in. 

ROZ OPENS THE DOOR AND WILL RATHER WARILY LETS HER IN 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

What are you doing here? I thought you were going straight home for a date with your tile guy. 

ROZ 

I thought I'd make a little detour on my way home to the Police Station to pay off that speeding ticket before I forgot. And I sort of had a little accident along the way. 

WILL EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

What happened? 

ROZ 

I saw that cute guy again that I saw earlier. What were the odds of that happening? I think the cops have him drive around just to hit people like me with speeding tickets. 

MARTIN 

What happened? 

ROZ 

He was getting away from me again so I sped up again but some crazy guy ran across the road chasing a pigeon. I swerved to miss him, mounted the sidewalk, hit a mailbox, three newspaper vending machines and a fire hydrant before finally coming to a standstill outside the Police station. 

FRASIER 

Ah I see. 

MARTIN 

Did they give you another ticket? 

ROZ 

No. When they combined the one from earlier with this incident and several unpaid parking tickets it looks like I'm going to be sent to traffic school. I'm up in front of a judge tomorrow. 

FRASIER AND MARTIN BEGIN TO LAUGH 

FRASIER 

You're kidding? 

ROZ 

How am I going to cope without a car? I'll have to sit on the bus next to that man who talks to his socks again. It's not funny. 

FRASIER AND MARTIN CONTINUE TO LAUGH AS NILES ENTERS FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM 

NILES 

What's not funny? 

FRASIER 

Roz is going to be sent to traffic school. 

NILES JOINS FRASIER AND MARTIN AND BEGINS TO LAUGH 

ROZ 

It's not funny. Hey Will said he can dispose of dead bodies. 

NILES 

Fine I'll stop laughing. 

MARTIN 

I don't really think you should encourage him Roz. 

ROZ 

Maybe he could get this sorted as well. Will... 

WILL 

(OFF STAGE) No. 

ROZ 

Fine talking to his socks it is. 

AS ROZ SLUMPS DOWN ONTO THE COUCH FRUSTRATED WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CLASS ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Roz, Matt, Charlie, Rita, Extras) 

ROZ SITS AT A DESK IN A FAIRLY FULL CLASS ROOM WHICH IS COVERED WITH PICTURES OF ROAD SIGNS AND OUTSIDE THE WINDOW A ROAD SET UP CAN BE SEEN. ROZ TALKS ON THE PHONE 

ROZ 

(ON PHONE) Hello? Oh hi Frasier. You've got to make it quick my class starts in a minute. What about Will? He's following you? He's your assistant, he follows you all day at the station. I'm beginning to wonder if he's not actually stuck to your back. Well following you out of office hours is a little strange. Where are you now? At the wine shop? Is he outside? Well maybe that's because he has as good a taste as you do and he wants to buy a bottle of wine that costs more then my first car as well. He's sitting in his car outside? What can I say? Run far, run fast. Well what did you expect me to say? I'm not going to run over there and club him so that you can make your get away. Because I'd have to take the bus and I'd never get back in time for my class. That's right traffic school. That's right laugh it up. I'm not the one hiding behind a rack of wine. 

MATT ENTERS CARRYING SOME PAPERWORK AND A LASER POINTER 

MATT 

Okay everyone take your seats please. 

ROZ 

(ON PHONE) Frasier I've got to go. My teacher is here. Well I hope you have a nice night sleeping on a collection of corks. 

ROZ HANGS UP HER PHONE AND PUTS IT AWAY AND EVERYONE ELSE SITS DOWN 

MATT 

Hello there. I'm Matt Ashton and I'll be your tutor for the written part of this traffic school that focuses mainly on the Highway Code. Now you've all been sent here because you are all bad, bad drivers. 

CHARLIE 

I'm not. If that officer had any sense of humour at all he'd have seen the funny side to it. It's not like I rear-ended him on purpose. After he gave me the ticket I did it on purpose. 

MATT 

This is where one of the major problems arises. Trying to get you all to admit that you are bad, bad drivers. For you to move on and learn from your mistakes you must firstly admit this fact. Now altogether I want you to shout out 'I am a bad, bad driver.' Are you all ready? On the count of three. One, two, three. 

EVERYONE 

I am a bad, bad driver. 

MATT 

That's very good, now say it again. 

EVERYONE 

I am a bad, bad driver. 

MATT 

One more time and this time much louder. 

EVERYONE 

I am a bad, bad driver. 

MATT 

Excellent. Now like an AA meeting, I want you each to stand up tell us your name, a few facts about yourself and why you were sent here. Okay you. 

RITA, AN ELDERLY SWEET LOOKING WOMAN, STANDS UP TIMIDLY 

RITA 

I'm Rita. I'm sixty-nine and I'm a retired schoolteacher. My husband is the reverend in our local parish. I love long walks on the beach and pressing flowers in my spare time that's when I'm not taking care of my eight Grandchildren. (MENACINGLY) I was sent here because I discovered my husband was in fact paying the organist in our church for sex when he said he was helping out with the Sunday school class. I tried to run him down but missed, mounted the pavement and ran over my neighbour's three dogs. 

RITA SITS DOWN AS MATT STARES AT HER A LITTLE STUNNED 

MATT 

Okay well that's...next? 

ROZ STANDS UP, HER EYES FIXED ON MATT AT ALL TIMES 

ROZ 

I'm Roz Doyle. I'm thirty-five years old. (THEN) Did I just hear someone laugh? 

MATT 

I don't believe so, carry on. 

ROZ 

I'm currently single but looking. Especially for someone tall, dark and incredibly handsome in a position of power and with command of a laser pointer. 

ROZ SITS DOWN STILL STARING AT MATT 

MATT 

That's nice and why are you here? 

ROZ 

(CASUALLY) Speeding, parking tickets and trashing half a block of sidewalk, you know the usual. 

MATT 

And at this point I think it's time for you to all say our magic phrase again. On the count of three. One, two, three. 

EVERYONE 

I am a bad, bad driver. 

MATT 

Okay now just Rita. 

RITA 

I am a bad, bad driver. 

MATT 

Now Roz. 

RITA 

I am a bad, bad, bad, bad driver and I need help. 

MATT 

Okay...well...moving on. 

AS MATT RATHER UNCOMFORTABLY CONTINUES WITH THE CLASS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/3   
(Will, Frasier, Roz, Woman) 

FRASIER AND WILL ENTER INTO NERVOSA AND WILL HELPS FRASIER INTO A SEAT. ROZ WHO IS SITTING AT ANOTHER TABLE MOVES OVER TO JOIN FRASIER 

WILL 

Dr. Crane you sit down there and I'll get you a coffee. 

FRASIER 

No honestly Will I can get one myself. 

WILL 

And wear yourself out before your show? I think not! What kind of assistant would I be if I let that happen? A bad one and I can't very well murder myself now can I? 

FRASIER 

Of course not. 

WILL MOVES TO THE COUNTER 

ROZ 

Do you still have him? 

FRASIER 

Yes. I can't get rid of him. I spoke to Kenny and told him that we weren't getting on but he won't do anything. 

ROZ 

I thought this was only on a trial basis. 

FRASIER 

That's what he told me. The truth is he's been at the station for weeks and has been passed around from person to person. He attacked Gill's wife while he was working for him mistaking her for some mob gang lord muscleman. He'd got his rubber gloves on and a ball gag in her mouth before Gill realised and managed to break it up. 

ROZ 

Then why doesn't Kenny just get rid of him? 

FRASIER 

He's scared about what he'll do to him if he does. 

WILL PLACES FRASIER'S COFFEE IN FRONT OF HIM 

WILL 

(RE: ROZ) I see you're here again. Is she bothering you Dr. Crane? 

FRASIER 

No Will it's fine. 

A WOMAN SPOTS FRASIER AND EXCITEDLY COMES OVER TO HIS TABLE 

WOMAN 

Oh my God Dr. Crane from the radio! This is so great! I'm a big fan. Can I get your autograph please? 

FRASIER 

Of course. What's your... 

WILL GRABS HOLD OF THE WOMAN'S ARM 

WILL 

All right lady back off. Come with me a moment. Just outside. And that's all taken care of. 

WILL TAKES THE WOMAN OUTSIDE AND THEY BOTH EXIT

A BEAT 

WILL RE-ENTERS RUBBING HIS HANDS TOGETHER 

FRASIER 

She left her purse. 

WILL TAKES THE PURSE 

WILL 

I'll take that. It's evidence. I'll give you your space Dr. Crane. I'll be over there checking over your promos. 

WILL SITS OVER ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CAFÉ BUT STILL KEEPS A CLOSE EYE ON FRASIER 

ROZ 

Shouldn't I be doing that? 

FRASIER 

Are you going to argue with him? 

ROZ 

Not without the army as backup. 

FRASIER 

So how was your class last night? Did you have any homework? Watch any gory videos? Have to press on cans and turn a washing up bowl as a steering wheel? 

ROZ 

Oh it was fantastic. 

FRASIER 

Really? 

ROZ 

My teacher is just the most gorgeous... 

FRASIER 

Wait a second Roz isn't it a man's fault that you're going to that class in the first place? 

ROZ 

Yeah, damn Policeman, although the more I stare into Matt's pretty blue eyes the more I forgive Officer Dwight and want to put him in my will. 

WILL COMES RUNNING OVER TO THEM 

WILL 

Did you call me? 

FRASIER 

No that's fine Will, stand down. 

WILL SITS BACK DOWN 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

I actually meant that both times you were chasing some guy trying to lasso him with your pantyhose. 

ROZ 

What's your point? 

FRASIER 

Nothing. So what happened in your class? 

ROZ 

I have no idea. I just replayed the image of Matt extending his pointer over and over again in my mind. 

FRASIER 

That's more then I ever wanted to know. 

ROZ 

How do I let him know that I'm interested without drooling all over my desk and accidentally grapping hold of something I shouldn't when I go to unbuckle my seat belt? 

FRASIER 

Here's an idea. Why don't you just not hit on him and listen to what he tells you about driving. 

ROZ 

Why would I do a crazy thing like that? 

FRASIER 

Maybe to get your driving license back. So that when you arrive at work you don't smell like stale soup from off that bus. So that you actually turn up to work on time. And this is just off the top of my head. 

ROZ 

And once again you've completely missed the point. 

AS A WAITER COMES OVER TO TAKE ROZ'S ORDER WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(E) 

TITLE CARD: "ANIMAL PRINT HAS NEVER SUITED HIM" 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/4   
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Roz) 

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WATCHING THE TELEVISION AS FRASIER SITS ON THE FLOOR BY THE FRONT DOOR WITH HIS EAR PRESSED UP AGAINST IT 

FRASIER 

He's outside I know he is. I feel completely violated and I don't mean that in a good way. Why can't he go away and stalk Roz for a while? It'll make a change for someone to be stalking her rather then the other way around. 

MARTIN 

How can you be so sure he's outside? 

FRASIER 

I can hear him breathing. It has a high-pitched quality to it that taunts me. It sounds like a cat with it'd tail caught in an antique mangle. No matter where he is in the building I can hear him. I don't know in how many languages I can tell him I don't want a contract put out on any of my co-workers. And if that's not bad enough whenever I walk around a corner he springs out at me and pushes a pastry in my face. It took me ten minutes this morning to get the crumbs out of my eye. 

MARTIN 

Gee you have such a hard life. We tried that tactic in Korea, forget bullets and grenades we used to force people to eat pastry's but jelly donuts where the real killers. We wiped out an entire division with a couple of bear claws. Just move away from the door if you think he's outside there. 

FRASIER 

This man will not stop me from going about my life in a normal way. Well except from forcing me to do my show underneath the console covered with a blanket so he can't see me. 

MARTIN 

And sitting on the floor with your ear pushed up against the door is what you normally do on a Friday evening? 

FRASIER 

Yes! Don't question me. Oh just watch your game. 

NILES ENTERS FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM WITHOUT HIS JACKET AND WITH HIS SHIRT SLEEVES ROLLED UP COVERED IN SOME SORT OF RASH ON HIS FACE, NECK AND ARMS 

NILES 

Frasier what are you doing? I know the grain of the wood can feel nice against your bare flesh but I've treated people who have done less then that. But then again that did progress slightly. He stripped off all his clothes and was rubbing himself up a park bench in front of a group of Nun's and a sixth grade field trip party. 

MARTIN 

He can hear Will outside. What's wrong with your face? 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM 

NILES 

Whose face? 

DAPHNE 

What is that? You're covered in some sort of rash. 

NILES 

Let me see. 

NILES GOES TO THE BATHROOM, OPENS THE DOOR AND LOOKS IN THE MIRROR 

NILES (CONT'D) 

I look as if someone's attacked me with a sheet of sand paper and a cheese grater. 

FRASIER 

It wasn't like that earlier. It's all over your arms. 

NILES COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND STARTS TO SCRATCH HIMSELF 

MARTIN 

What have you been doing in there to bring that on? 

A BEAT 

NILES 

I'd like to take the fifth on the first part of that question. 

DAPHNE 

(REALISING) Oh my God! 

NILES 

What's the matter? Have you got it too? You look like a bush baby caught on an electric fence. 

DAPHNE 

You've got to be allergic. 

FRASIER 

Yeah but to what? 

DAPHNE 

To me! Think about what we've just been doing in there. 

FRASIER 

I'd rather not. 

MARTIN 

Oh jeez. 

DAPHNE 

And now you're covered in a rash. That can only mean that I've caused it. It's my fault. You're allergic to me. Thank God we weren't in there any longer or I may have killed you. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that would have been in front of the paramedics when they ask what we were doing to cause your throat to close up and give you a seizure? 

NILES 

Daphne I can't be allergic to you. Don't you think I would have had a reaction by now? 

MARTIN 

Maybe it's the dry cleaning fluid on his shirt. 

FRASIER 

Or that new aftershave. 

DAPHNE 

I guess you're right. It could be any number of things. That does look sore. Come here. 

DAPHNE OPENS HER ARMS OUT TO HUG HIM. NILES WALKS TOWARDS HER BUT AS SOON AS HE GETS CLOSE, HAS TO TURN AWAY AND SNEEZE 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Oh my God! 

NILES 

That was just one sneeze. 

NILES TRIES TO HUG HER AGAIN BUT HAS TO TURN AWAY AGAIN TO SNEEZE THIS TIME EXTREMELY WILDLY 

DAPHNE 

And that's just trying to bring your lung up through your nostril. Stay away from me. I don't want to kill you. 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER 

(WORRIED) Oh my God it's Will. Everyone be quiet. 

MARTIN 

You're the only one talking. 

FRASIER 

Shhhhhhhhh 

ROZ 

(OFF STAGE) It's Roz not Will. Have you never noticed I sound a hell of a lot more feminine then Will? Shut up Niles. 

NILES 

I wasn't going to say a word. Maybe several but certainly not just a word. 

FRASIER STANDS UP AND OPENS THE DOOR BEFORE DRAGGING ROZ INSIDE AND CLOSING THE DOOR AGAIN. ROZ IS DRESSED EXQUISITELY 

FRASIER 

Get in here quick. Did you see Will out there? 

ROZ 

Yeah he was crouched behind the fire extinguisher with a cattle prod, a photo of your face superimposed on a woman in a leopard skin bikini's body and a memo from Kenny. 

FRASIER 

Really? 

ROZ 

Oh all right there was no memo. 

FRASIER 

Roz! 

ROZ 

I love freaked out, paranoid Frasier, he's so much fun to tease. What is wrong with your face? 

DAPHNE 

He's allergic to me. We were just...we were in my room and now he's like this. 

NILES 

It's not you. Maybe it's something I ate. 

DAPHNE 

I cooked for you as well. 

ROZ 

I'd love to stop and chat and make fun of both of you but I just stopped by to ask what you think of my dress. 

NILES 

You look as if you're all ready for a night down at the docks. 

ROZ 

Great. 

MARTIN 

Why were are you going? 

ROZ 

Traffic school. 

AS ROZ GOES TO EXIT WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S BMW — AFTERNOON — DAY/5   
(Frasier) 

FRASIER IS DRIVING HIS CAR ON THE WAY TO WORK. HE IS SINGING AWAY MERRILY ALONG WITH HIS STEREO 

FRASIER 

(EXTREMELY HIGH PITCHED) O mio babbino caro... 

SUDDENLY THE STEREO STARTS TO GO REALLY FAST UNTIL IT COMES TO A GRINDING HALT 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

What is the matter with that? 

FRASIER HITS THE DASHBOARD ABOVE THE STEREO 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

The first time I manage to hit that note and you decide it's the perfect time to explode. Perfect. 

A BEAT 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

(PRACTICING) Hello caller I'm listening. I'm listening. I am listening. It's amazing how that never becomes tiresome. 

FRASIER LOOKS IN HIS REAR VIEW MIRROR 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Oh my God! That's Will! Will that boy ever leave me alone? What insignificant scrap of paper or murder contract could he possible want to give me now? Let's just see how fast you can go Will. 

FRASIER SUDDENLY STARTS TO SPEED UP 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Ha, ha! So long Will! 

FRASIER STARTS TO SPEED UP EVEN MORE BUT HAS TO SWERVE SUDDENLY, WHICH CAUSES HIM TO CRASH HIS CAR. AS HE MAKES IMPACT HIS HOOD POPS UP 

CUT TO: 

(G) 

INT. CLASS ROOM — EVENING — DAY/6   
(Frasier, Roz, Matt, Extras) 

FRASIER SITS NEXT TO ROZ DURING A TRAFFIC SCHOOL CLASS. MATT STANDS AT THE FRONT OF THE CLASS AS BEFORE. ROZ SMILES AT FRASIER 

FRASIER 

(TO ROZ) Oh shut up! 

ROZ 

I wasn't going to say a word. 

MATT 

Now everyone together after the count of three. One, two, three. 

EVERYONE 

I am a bad, bad driver. 

AS FRASIER HIDES HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(H) 

TITLE CARD: "FIRE AT WILL" 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — AFTERNOON — DAY/7   
(Frasier, Roz, Will, Waiter, Waitress, Man, Woman, Niles) 

FRASIER AND ROZ SIT NEAR THE COUNTER IN NERVOSA WITH SEVERAL BOOKS AND SCRAPS OF PAPER IN FRONT OF THEM 

FRASIER 

(RE: BOOK) What on earth is that? I've never seen that road sign before in my life. It looks more at home where goats are the only form of traffic. 

ROZ 

Let me see. 

FRASIER HOLDS THE BOOK TO HIS CHEST 

FRASIER 

No you'll cheat. 

ROZ 

We're studying. We're not doing test papers. Now get that pencil from your rear end and let me have a look. 

FRASIER 

But I actually made notes in the last class while you pictured Matt in his underwear. Something that's not a pretty picture at all I can tell you. 

ROZ 

I knew you were doing it as well. 

FRASIER 

Well once you mentioned it, I couldn't get the thought out of my head. The worst bit came when he dropped his pencil and bent down right in front of us to pick it up. I had nightmares about that one. 

ROZ 

Really? I thought that was the best part of the class. It was so educational. 

WILL ENTERS AND HANGS UP HIS COAT 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Oh look out Will is here. 

FRASIER 

Hide me. 

ROZ 

Why don't you just try palming him off onto someone else? 

FRASIER 

Roz how would you like your very own assistant? 

ROZ 

Not me, someone else. 

WILL APPROACHES FRASIER'S TABLE 

WILL 

Dr. Crane why did you run away from me at the station? 

FRASIER 

(HOPEFUL) The bathroom? 

WILL 

Anyway I'm here now. Can I get you anything? (TO ROZ) My God you really do hang on like some sort of bad smell don't you Miss. Doyle? 

ROZ 

Thanks. 

WILL 

You're quite welcome. 

FRASIER 

Actually Will do you know what the best thing you can do for me is? 

WILL GRABS ROZ BY THE ARM 

WILL 

Come with me this way Miss. Doyle. 

FRASIER 

No, no not that. Well (THINKS) ...no, no not that. You see its Kenny. 

WILL LETS GO OF ROZ 

WILL 

What's he done? One phone call and it's all taken care of. 

FRASIER 

I think Kenny is under an incredible amount of stress. I just feel that your talents are going to be more suited to help Kenny rather then myself. Not that I don't enjoy having your help. I do. But I feel that Kenny would benefit more in the long term 

WILL 

Well you know best doctor. I thank you for your honesty. 

WILL GLARES AT ROZ BEFORE COLLECTING HIS COAT AND EXITING

ROZ 

Well done. Although you do know that this means he's no longer on your side? And to say Kenny is going to be mad at you is an understatement. Just be careful Will isn't going to use his talents on you sooner then you think. 

FRASIER LOOKS QUITE CONCERNED OUT THE DOOR AFTER WILL 

FRASIER 

Thank you Roz. I feel so much better now. 

ROZ 

Now do you want me to help you or not? 

FRASIER GIVES HER HIS BOOK 

FRASIER 

Fine. What does that mean? 

ROZ 

I have no idea. 

FRASIER 

I don't know what I'd do without you. 

ROZ 

You'd travel to work alone on the bus. Without me you'd be married to the man who talks to his socks. I've seen him with his eye on you. 

FRASIER 

That's because he keeps taking it out and throwing it at me. 

ROZ 

He used to do that to me. A clear sign that he likes you. 

FRASIER 

If he does it once more I may throw it out of the window. 

ROZ 

Have you seen the size of his muscles? That's not a good idea. 

FRASIER 

I've seen the size of everything. If he doesn't start to staple his trousers shut again I may start to walk to work instead. 

ROZ 

And I can just see you doing that. You'd quit work rather then walk there everyday. 

FRASIER 

Not if I do well on this. 

ROZ 

How are you going to do that? You don't even know what that sign is. Oh I know ask someone in here if they know. 

FRASIER 

And what are the chances that anyone in here will know? 

ROZ 

Then it's the bus for you. 

FRASIER 

Fine. 

FRASIER PICKS UP THE BOOK AND MOVES TO THE COUNTER TOWARDS A WAITER, WAITRESS AND A MAN AND A WOMAN THAT ARE STANDING THERE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Excuse me, do you have any idea what this traffic sign means? My friend and I are a little stuck. 

FRASIER SHOWS THEM THE BOOK 

WAITER 

No left turn. 

WAITRESS 

Low flying birds. 

MAN 

Uneven road ahead. 

WOMAN 

Deer crossing. 

FRASIER 

I see so in other words none of you know. Thank you. 

FRASIER SITS BACK DOWN 

ROZ 

This is stupid. Why weren't you paying attention in class? 

NILES ENTERS AND APPROACHES THEIR TABLE 

FRASIER 

Why weren't you paying attention? 

ROZ 

I thought you were. 

FRASIER 

We should have been more careful about this. 

ROZ 

I know and now look at the trouble we're in. 

NILES SITS DOWN WITH THEM 

NILES 

Wow! Please don't tell me I'm going to be an Uncle again. 

ROZ 

And that's the worst thing that could happen to you? 

NILES 

I'm going to have to go with yes. 

FRASIER 

Niles do you know what this means? 

NILES LOOKS AT THE BOOK 

NILES 

Erm...no. But then I don't really need to know I have my license my none driving companions. 

FRASIER 

You're certainly snippy today. 

NILES 

Well so would you be if your fiancée refused to come anywhere near you. She's carrying a long wooden pole around with her. The moment I come anywhere near her, she points it at me insisting that, that's the closets safest distance we can be together. 

ROZ 

You still don't know what causing that rash? 

NILES 

No all I know is that it itches like the devil. My patients are starting to get worried about me. But then again it may have had something to do with the fact that I was rubbing myself up my desk to scratch myself during a session. 

FRASIER 

Oh she'll realise soon that it's got nothing to do with her. 

NILES 

Dear God I hope so. 

ROZ 

So if you have to stay at a pole's distance away from her I imagine it's pretty hard to do certain things. 

NILES 

Roz if I could do certain things from that distance don't you think I wouldn't have been in a freak show by now? 

ROZ 

I thought you looked flustered recently you're not having sex. 

NILES 

She's worried about killing me. Either way I'm likely to die. At least that way I'll go with a smile on my face. I have got to find out what's causing this. 

FRASIER 

Have you been to the doctors yet? 

NILES 

Yes but all he could tell me was that it was an allergic reaction. He was about as useful as a solar panel on a flashlight. 

FRASIER 

Well there's no need worrying about it, it'll only make it worse. Think about something else. Have you decided on your flowers yet? 

NILES 

Yes we have, we're going with the offer from Turks. They've been showing their gratitude ever since by sending yet more flowers. The smell in Daphne's room is so strong it's like catching the sent of some incredibly strong smelling salts. It nearly knocked me out yesterday. 

FRASIER 

Wait a second. All the flowers are in Daphne's room. 

NILES 

Yes they are since your tiny Hitler in a blue blazer ordered them out of the living room. 

FRASIER 

Are there any carnations? 

NILES 

A few. 

FRASIER 

Niles you've always been allergic to them. Remember? At Nana's funeral you were sneezing so hard you blew the candles out around her coffin. 

NILES 

Then I'll allergic to the flowers. 

ROZ 

And you're not allergic to Daphne. 

NILES 

Better still I can have sex again. 

NILES TAKES OUT HIS MOBILE PHONE AND DIALS 

NILES (CONT'D) 

(ON PHONE) Hello Daphne! It's the carnations. I'm allergic to the flowers! I know! You throw out the flowers, I'll bring the wine. 

NILES HANGS UP HIS PHONE, JUMPS TO HIS FEET AND RUNS TO THE DOOR 

FRASIER 

Niles before you go can you pick me up tonight from traffic school? 

NILES 

If I have to. My God how pitiful is it that neither of you can drive? 

CUT TO: 

(I) 

INT. NILES'S CAR — AFTERNOON — DAY/7   
(Niles) 

NILES SITS IN A LINE OF TRAFFIC IN HIS CAR TALKING ON THE PHONE AND LOOKING RATHER FRUSTRATED 

NILES 

(ON PHONE) I'm coming I'm coming. There's traffic. Some hold up down the road. 

NILES PUTS HIS HEAD OUT OF HIS WINDOW 

NILES (CONT'D) 

(SHOUTS) Who cares about if the tree dies to make way for a Starbucks, just get out of the way. (ON PHONE) Oh Daphne wait I know a shortcut. I'll be right there. 

NILES HANGS UP HIS PHONE MAKES A SUDDEN RIGHT TURN AND STARTS TO DRIVE EXTREMELY QUICKLY AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

SFX: SOUND OF CAR WHEELS SCREECHING FOLLOWED BY A LOUD CRASH

(J) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CLASS ROOM — EVENING — DAY/8   
(Niles, Matt, Frasier, Roz, Daphne, Martin, Extras) 

THE CLASS ROOM IS AS BEFORE WITH MATT AT THE FRONT. ROZ AND FRASIER ONCE AGAIN SIT TOGETHER BUT ARE NOW JOINED BY NILES WHO STANDS 

NILES 

I am a bad, bad driver. 

NILES SITS BACK DOWN 

MATT 

Well done Niles. The first step towards becoming a safe driver is admitting you have a problem. Now I've been very impressed with your driving tonight class. We only had twelve squashed cones. Congratulations. That's it for tonight. I'll see you again next week. But before you go what do I want to hear? 

FRASIER AND NILES ROLLS THEIR EYES 

EVERYONE 

I am a bad, bad driver. 

MATT 

That's great. Goodnight everybody. 

EVERYONE IN THE CLASS STANDS UP AND STARTS TO LEAVE 

FRASIER 

Come on let's get out of here. 

NILES 

You don't actually notice how much he bends down until you picture him in his underwear. 

ROZ 

I knew it! You're both doing it! 

FRASIER 

Well you made us. 

NILES 

Let's go, alcohol is needed. 

FRASIER 

I have a bottle of sherry at home with my name on it. 

FRASIER AND NILES GO TO LEAVE BUT ROZ STANDS BY HER DESK STILL 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Roz are you coming? 

ROZ 

I'm going to ask Matt out first. 

FRASIER 

How can your mind turn to romance when we've just watched thirty minutes of gory car wrecks in slow motion? 

NILES 

Are you sure it's wise asking him out? He's our teacher. 

ROZ 

So? 

FRASIER 

Aren't there rules about this? 

NILES 

I thought it was illegal. 

ROZ 

This is not the third grade. We're both adults. 

NILES 

But what if he gives you a better mark because you've you know. 

ROZ 

Do you think I'm doing this for the grades? 

FRASIER 

It wouldn't be the first time. 

NILES 

It wouldn't be fair. 

ROZ 

Are you worried he's going to give me a better grade then you? 

NILES 

Maybe. 

ROZ 

Well if he does you know what you'll have to do to compete. 

NILES 

I'm not that bothered. 

ROZ 

Excuse me Matt, can I talk to you for a moment? 

MATT 

Sure. But I want to hear those magic words first. 

ROZ 

I am a bad, bad driver. 

MATT 

That's great. 

ROZ 

Matt I was wondering are you free tomorrow night? 

MATT 

You want a higher grade don't you? 

ROZ 

No, no not at all. I just wondered if you'd like to have dinner with me. 

MATT 

This is not the first time I've been offered sexual favours in exchange for answers. 

FRASIER 

I was offering a particularly fine bottle of wine. 

MATT 

I wasn't referring to you. 

RITA, WHO IS STILL PACKING HER THINGS AWAY LOOKS UP GUILTILY 

RITA 

I said I was sorry. 

MATT 

There are two sets of people out there Roz. Good drivers and bad drivers. Everyone falls into one of those two categories. Don't talk to me about people who have never been bothered to learn. The people who can't drive. Those people are scum. They make me sick. They don't deserve to live in a world with such a magnificent invention as the automobile. I have great respect for cab drivers, truck drivers, bus drivers. People who dedicate their lives to the open road. To driving. To being good drivers. Good drivers and bad drivers don't mix Roz. The trouble it creates disrupts the natural order to things. I'm a good driver Roz and you are, come on let me here it. 

ROZ 

I am a bad, bad driver. 

MATT 

That's right. I'm sure you understand. 

ROZ 

Sure. 

ROZ WALKS AWAY TO JOIN FRASIER AND NILES 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

I understand you're a freak. Come on let's go. 

FRASIER 

It's probably for the best. 

MATT 

I am a bad, bad driver. I should copyright that. 

ROZ 

He probably says that in bed. 

FRASIER, NILES AND ROZ EXIT OUT OF THE CLASS ROOM 

RESET TO: 

INT. SCHOOL CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE AND MARTIN WAIT OUTSIDE THE CLASS ROOM DOOR AS FRASIER, NILES AND ROZ ENTER

DAPHNE 

Are you all done for the day? 

NILES 

Yes. 

DAPHNE TAKES NILES' HAND AND LEADS HIM OFF DOWN THE CORRIDOR LIKE A MOTHER WOULD DO WHEN PICKING UP HER CHILD FROM THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL 

DAPHNE 

Did you have a good day at class? 

NILES 

I did. 

DAPHNE 

What did you do today? 

NILES AND DAPHNE EXIT AROUND THE CORNER 

MARTIN 

Have you got much homework? 

FRASIER 

Only a bit. 

MARTIN 

Have you behaved yourselves today? I haven't got to see the teacher have I? 

ROZ 

You know it was cute the first time you did it, now it's just annoying. 

AS THEY START TO EXIT DOWN THE CORRIDOR WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER SITS IN HIS BOOTH AT THE END OF THE SHOW. AS HE TURNS AROUND HE SEES KENNY WALK PAST THE GLASS LOOKING REALLY ANNOYED WITH WILL FOLLOWING HIM LIKE HIS SHADOW. FRASIER THEN JUMPS OFF HIS SEAT AND HIDES UNDER THE CONSOLE PULLING THE CHAIR AS CLOSE AS HE CAN TO HIM SO AS NOT TO BE SEEN. KENNY AND WILL ENTER AND LOOK IN THE BOOTH. KENNY THEN MARCHES INTO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH LOOKING FOR FRASIER EVERYWHERE HE CAN THINK OF. HE QUESTIONS ROZ BUT SHE JUST SHRUGS HER SHOULDERS. STILL ANNOYED KENNY AND WILL EXIT OUT OF THE DOOR ON ROZ'S SIDE. AS SOON AS THEY ARE GONE, ROZ'S KNOCKS ON THE GLASS AND FRASIER COMES OUT FROM UNDER THE CONSOLE. 


	20. Episode Twenty

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_And feedback would brighten my day more then you could imagine so please send any comments to kelly_simba@hotmail.com _

_For A, the one guy who stands above every other. You're an inspiration to me. The fact that you are alive today is a miracle that I will thank God everyday of my life for. _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Nine Episode Twenty   
High Society 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: "THEY COULD DOUBLE THE ADMISSION FEE" 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Niles, Martin, Frasier, Daphne, Allison) 

FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM IS FULL OF BOXES OF JUNK FROM ALL OF THEIR CLOSETS. FRASIER, MARTIN, NILES AND DAPHNE DIG THROUGH THE BOXES SORTING EVERYTHING OUT INTO PILES TO BE THROWN AWAY OR KEPT. NILES PULLS A SMALL METAL TUBE FROM ONE OF THE BOXES 

NILES 

What is this? 

NILES PULLS A DISGUSTED FACE AND HOLDS IT BY THE VERY END 

NILES (CONT'D) 

And why is it all wet? Oh that is disgusting. (CONCERNED) Where have you been putting this in your room, alone at night in the dark? 

MARTIN 

Do we really need to know the answer to that? I would like to sleep again sometime in the near future and my room is right next to his. I have enough horror shows going on in my head. Sometimes the memory of a dead dismembered hooker is a little light relief from imagining what Frasier's doing in that room. 

FRASIER 

Is it so bad sleeping next to me? 

MARTIN 

Every now and then I can hear you chirping in your sleep. 

FRASIER 

And moving swiftly on. I think Eddie has just been licking it Niles. 

NILES 

Oh dear God! 

NILES IMMEDIATELY DROPS IT AND THEN GETS HIS HANDKERCHIEF OUT TO WIPE HIS HANDS 

FRASIER 

I have absolutely no idea what it is. 

NILES 

Then what are you doing with it in your closet? Have you leased it out as a sanctuary for all things with no purpose to meet and get a tiny amount of self-respect back? 

FRASIER 

It was a Birthday present from Lilith about five years ago. I still don't know what it is today let alone what it does. Much like Lilith while I was married to her. 

DAPHNE 

It looks like something you'd use to give an elephant an enema. I bet that makes their eyes water. 

FRASIER 

Thank you Daphne for your insight. And if I wasn't going to throw it away before I certainly am now. 

FRASIER PICKS IT UP AND PUTS IT IN A BOX MARKED 'TRASH' 

MARTIN 

Maybe it's a drain cleaner. Or some sort of farm animal wormer. I think I've seen the vet use something similar on Eddie. What does it smell like? 

DAPHNE 

Or maybe it's some sort of liposuction contraption. Does Lilith think you need to loose a little weight? 

NILES 

He has been looking rather hippy recently. 

MARTIN 

That's holiday weight. He never did loose those extra pounds. 

FRASIER 

Well forgive me for not staying in shape. At the risk of obesity its being thrown out I don't care what it is. 

FRASIER PICKS UP A TIE FROM ANOTHER BOX AND QUICKLY SCREWS IT UP INTO A BALL AND ATTEMPTS TO PUT IT IN HIS POCKET WITHOUT DAPHNE SEEING 

DAPHNE 

What's that you're hiding? 

FRASIER 

(DEFENSIVE) Nothing. Nothing at all. 

FRASIER TRIES TO PUT IT IN THE 'TRASH' BOX 

DAPHNE 

Hang about there! Give that here! That's that tie I bought you last year for Christmas. Why are you throwing it out? It's lovely. 

FRASIER 

Daphne it has psychedelic gophers on it. 

DAPHNE 

So? 

FRASIER 

Psychedelic gopher's playing tennis. It's hideous. I wouldn't inflict this on my worst enemy. When was the last time you even saw me touch something like this let alone wear it? (REALISING) And don't act all hurt with me. Where is that sweater I bought you last Christmas? 

DAPHNE 

I still have it. 

FRASIER 

Can I see it? 

DAPHNE 

No. 

FRASIER 

Oh why not? 

DAPHNE 

(THINKS AND BLATANTLY LYING) Because it's around at Niles'. I keep it there. He likes to wear it when I'm not there with him. You know like a comforter. 

FRASIER 

(SUSPICIOUSLY) A pink sweater? 

DAPHNE 

Yes. (TO NILES) That's right isn't it? 

NILES 

(RELUCTANTLY) Erm...I'm going to have to go with yes on that one. 

MARTIN 

Well doesn't that just make me proud? 

NILES PICKS UP A PILE OF SHIRTS 

NILES 

Do you want these rather hallucinogenic shirts? Wait a second what are you doing with a Hawaiian shirt? 

FRASIER TAKES THE SHIRTS AND PUTS THEM IN ANOTHER BOX 

FRASIER 

Throwing it out. It reminds me of Bora Bora and I have a broken bed and an order banning me from ever returning to the hotel to remind me of that. Okay Dad now let's have a look through your box. 

MARTIN 

What do you mean? You're not throwing anything of mine out. You'll start by clearing out my closest and end up putting Eddie down the garbage shoot. 

FRASIER 

Oh don't tempt me. But you don't need any of this stuff. It just breeds dust bunnies in your closet. 

MARTIN 

I need this. 

MARTIN PICKS UP A HAIRBRUSH 

NILES 

It's a really old hairbrush. 

DAPHNE 

What could you possibly want that for? 

MARTIN 

Erm maybe for cooking an egg with. To brush my hair with what do you think I need it for? 

FRASIER 

But it's vile. It's likely to give you mange. 

MARTIN 

I'm keeping it. 

DAPHNE 

You can see something moving on it. 

MARTIN 

I'm not throwing it out. 

FRASIER PICKS UP A PLASTIC MERMAID LAMP 

FRASIER 

Fine but this has to go. 

MARTIN 

If that goes you go buddy. 

MARTIN TAKES THE LAMP AND HUGS IT 

NILES 

But it's a plastic mermaid lamp. When you look up tacky in the dictionary you see a picture of you holding that lamp in your Viking hat. 

MARTIN 

I like it. She's really pretty. 

DAPHNE 

A plastic mermaid Barbie doll is pretty? You really need to find a woman. All right then if you like it so much then why is it boxed away in the back of you closet? 

MARTIN 

(CHANGING THE SUBJECT) When are we going to start cleaning out your stuff? 

DAPHNE 

Oh no you're not going in my room. Dr. Crane's ruthless. As soon as he gets a garbage bag in his hand he turns into Hitler. 

FRASIER 

How flattering. 

DAPHNE 

Anyway I'm not going to be here much longer, so I won't be cluttering up the apartment anymore. 

NILES 

You're bringing everything out of your room? 

DAPHNE 

I can't leave any of it here. 

FRASIER 

I'll second that. I do take it you're taking your unicorns with you Daphne? Not that I won't miss their colourful mains and goggly eyes that follow me around the room. 

DAPHNE 

And when exactly where you in my room to have them follow you? 

FRASIER 

(CHANGING THE SUBJECT) Oh look my old Harvard t-shirt! 

DAPHNE 

Of course I'm taking them with me and I've already found the perfect place for them. 

DAPHNE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

Down the garbage disposal? 

NILES 

Oh my God I forgot about the unicorns. Okay I need to find a way to make them explode without arousing suspicion. Any ideas? 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A GLASS OF WATER 

NILES (CONT'D) 

They weren't part of the deal. I have no room for them. 

DAPHNE 

Yes you do in the living room and you'll have even more room when I've had a good clean out around at your place. 

NILES 

What? 

DAPHNE 

I can't have my unicorns out but you have room for those frightening masks that look like the Village People on crack? 

NILES 

Who? (THEN) Maybe a compromise is in order. 

DAPHNE 

Oh I think so. 

THEY KISS AS FRASIER LOOKS AT HIS WATCH 

FRASIER 

I wonder what's keeping Allison. 

MARTIN 

Is she coming tonight? 

FRASIER 

Yes she agreed to help me sort through all of this before we go out to dinner. 

NILES 

You really know how to treat the ladies don't you Frasier. Make them clean for you, that'll keep them keen. 

SFX: DOORBELL

DAPHNE 

Speak of the devil. 

FRASIER 

I hope not. I doubt she'll have brought that demon puppet. But just to be on the safe side everyone grab hold of something long and pointy to hit it with like a Piñata. And don't stop until candy comes out. 

FRASIER OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AND ALLISON ENTERS CARRYING HER TRUNK 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Hi Allison. 

FRASIER GOES TO KISS ALLISON BUT SHE BACKS AWAY 

ALLISON 

Don't come near me I smell like the zoo. And that's not the most sexually appealing sent in the world. Well unless you're a stoat in heat looking for some action. 

MARTIN 

A new perfume? 

NILES GETS HIS HANDKERCHIEF OUT AND COVERS HIS NOSE AND MOUTH 

ALLISON 

I was doing a show there and I left Spankey behind. By the time I realised that he'd gone and got back, a monkey in the next enclosure had decided that he'd found a new friend and was making him feel right at home if you know what I mean. 

FRASIER 

Oh dear. 

ALLISON 

The school children were a little shocked to say the least. That's one show that they don't advertise on the brochure. I'm going to be soaking him in bleach for hours. No wonder his eyes are crossed. (THEN) This is getting ridiculous I'm leaving him in the oddest places recently. At the top of the Space Needle, at the park, the operating theatre at the hospital, in a cab, in the men's room at the Police station. (OFF FRASIER'S CONCERNED LOOK) It's a long story. 

FRASIER 

Well I'm certainly glad you're here now. 

NILES 

But only when you're down wind. 

ALLISON 

I can't go to the restaurant like this. People will think the meat has gone bad. 

DAPHNE 

Well if you did you'd certainly get served quicker. 

ALLISON 

Do you mind if I go home and take a shower rather then help you before we go out? I smell awful and I can see Niles' eyes watering from here. 

FRASIER 

Not at all. You go on home and I'll pick you up around seven. 

ALLISON 

Okay great. Bye guys. 

DAPHNE 

Bye Allison. 

MARTIN 

See ya. 

NILES 

Is it at all possible to take this smell with you? 

ALLISON 

Sorry not one of my super powers. 

ALLISON EXITS AS MARTIN PICKS HIS HAIRBRUSH BACK UP AGAIN 

DAPHNE 

Put that brush back old man you don't need it. 

MARTIN 

Yes I do. 

DAPHNE 

Then let's see you use it. 

MARTIN 

I don't feel like using it. 

DAPHNE 

That's because it's revolting. Just throw it out. 

NILES POINTS TO A TRUNK BY THE CONSOLE 

NILES 

What's that? 

FRASIER PICKS IT UP AND OPENS IT 

FRASIER 

Oh I don't believe it. The demon walks amongst us. 

AS FRASIER PRODUCES ALLISON'S PUPPET, SPANKEY, FROM THE TRUNK WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — MORNING — DAY/2   
(Sarah, Daphne, Laura, Waiter, Roz) 

DAPHNE SITS ON HER OWN IN THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA AS TWO OF HER ENGLISH FRIENDS OF ROUGHLY THE SAME AGE, SARAH AND LAURA, ENTER AND SIT WITH HER 

SARAH 

Hiya Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

Hello. 

LAURA 

Long time no see. What have you been up to? Has that Niles of yours been keeping you busy? 

DAPHNE SMILES TO HERSELF 

DAPHNE 

I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about. 

A YOUNG WAITER APPROACHES THE TABLE 

SARAH 

But your smile obvious does. All right stop gloating. Don't rub it in, we know we're lonely and horny. 

THE WAITER IS MESMERISED BY SARAH 

WAITER 

It's nice to meet you I'm Carl. 

SARAH 

That's nice now off you go to play with your toys young man. 

THE WAITER GOES BACK TO THE COUNTER 

DAPHNE 

That's the first time you've not pounced like a lion on a zebra carcass on anyone that young. Are you feeling ill? 

SARAH 

I have to draw the line at when I was just old enough to drink he was still sperm. It means I have less to confess in church. 

DAPHNE 

It has been a long time, what have you both been up to? 

LAURA 

Nothing much except I had to have my tongue piercing removed. 

DAPHNE 

Why? 

LAURA 

(EMBARRASSED) I got it caught on...something. 

SARAH 

(GRINNING) Or rather someone. It was most amusing to explain it to the paramedics what was wrong with her after I'd taken several photos and called my mother in Florida to tell her the news. She hasn't been able to show her face in polite society since, so there's not much change there. Nothing much has happened with me. Well my mother got married again but what's new? 

DAPHNE 

Again? How many times is that now? She must be heading for a record. 

SARAH 

Oh who can remember? Fourteen, maybe fifteen times. It's so hard to keep track. I have more fathers then there are in the average retirement home. And yet she still insists on wearing a white wedding dress. How can she wear white when she now has a litter of children swinging from her? (THEN) So are you coming tonight? 

DAPHNE 

Where to? 

LAURA 

Alan's arranged a girl's only night down at the Fox and Whistle. He's got two strippers performing called The Anaconda and The Rattle Snake. I can already picture their glistening gyrating hips just saying that. 

DAPHNE 

I see they leave no room for misinterpretation do they? 

SARAH 

So are you coming? 

DAPHNE 

I can't I have a fundraiser to go to with Niles. 

LAURA 

A fundraiser? You're going to a boring fundraiser when you could be smothering two beefy guys with baby oil in nothing but tight thongs and a smile? What are you insane? 

SARAH 

The old Daphne would have been there three hours before the doors opened with one thing on her mind and a fistful full of dollars bills in her sweaty hand. 

DAPHNE 

And what's the supposed to mean? The old Daphne? Have I suddenly been cloned without knowing? 

LAURA 

You just don't any of this stuff anymore. 

DAPHNE 

Yes I do. 

SARAH 

All right then where were you when we all got drunk and decided to go to San Francisco on the pull for the weekend with nothing in our pockets except a g-string and a toothbrush? 

DAPHNE 

Niles had this thing with his wine club I went to instead. And it wasn't as if I missed much. I told you going to San Francisco was a bad idea. That's like getting blood out of a stone. 

SARAH 

And yet a couple of guys gave us some fantastic recipes and beauty tips. 

LAURA 

You never have time for anything down the pub since you and Niles got engaged. You've left our social circle for his. It's like you're above it now. 

DAPHNE 

That's not true. I go between the two. Just because I spend a lot of time with Niles' friends doesn't mean I've abandoned my roots. Don't forget I'm working class and there's not a day that goes by where I don't wake up and remember that fact. 

SARAH 

Okay then friend to the workingman what's this fundraiser for tonight that you're going to? Orphans? A hospital? 

DAPHNE 

It's for a very worthy cause. 

SARAH 

Such as? 

DAPHNE 

It's for under privilege children. We're raising money to teach them how to fence. 

LAURA 

Dear God they are under privileged. I'll donate one hundred dollars now. How are they not organising a telethon for the poor souls? 

DAPHNE 

I have not changed. 

SARAH LOOKS AT HER WATCH 

SARAH 

Oh shoot. We'll have to continue this another time we've got to run it's almost twelve o'clock. 

DAPHNE 

Back to work? 

LAURA 

No there's this cute guy with buns of steel that buys a newspaper from the corner everyday at around this time. See ya. 

LAURA AND SARAH STAND AND MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE DOOR 

LAURA (CONT'D) 

(TO SARAH) How are we going to make him drop his change and bend down today? 

LAURA AND SARAH EXIT OUT OF NERVOSA 

DAPHNE 

(TO HERSELF) I have not changed. I'm the same person I was two years. I'm the same person I was five years ago. What a load of nonsense. 

ROZ ENTERS AND SITS WITH DAPHNE 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

(IMMEDIATELY) Roz do you think I've changed? 

ROZ 

And hello to you too. What are you talking about? 

DAPHNE 

Do you think I've changed since I got together with Niles? 

ROZ 

No. Of course not. What's brought this on? 

DAPHNE 

Some of me old friends from the pub have just said it because I'm going to a fundraiser with Niles tonight instead of going to see some strippers with them. 

ROZ 

(SHOCKED) What are you insane? Stuffed shirts and Niles against strippers? The strippers have to win every time. Why do you even need to think about it? Give me the address I'll go instead. 

DAPHNE 

So you don't think I've changed? 

ROZ 

Well maybe a little. I mean when's the last time you talked about one of your 'visions' for so long that it made Frasier whine to me about it? 

DAPHNE 

That doesn't mean I've changed as a person, I just don't discuss them as much. He really whine's to you about them? 

ROZ 

Yeah but then I invested in some earplugs. Now I just nod at everything he says. It's the only way I can sit through his show everyday with falling into a coma. The next stage is painting eyes on my eyelids so I can nap as well. 

AS DAPHNE LAUGHS AND ROZ ORDERS A COFFEE WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

TITLE CARD: "THEY GATHER THERE INSTEAD OF HAVING COFFEE MORNINGS" 

FADE IN: 

INT. RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Roz, Allison) 

FRASIER STANDS IN HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH LOOKING AT A PHOTO OF HIMSELF ON A PROTOTYPE FOR A POSTER AS ROZ ENTERS FROM HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH 

FRASIER 

Roz look at this photo. It's for the new poster. 

ROZ STARES AT THE PICTURE 

ROZ 

Isn't it about time they included just a tiny photo of me? I mean what would the show be without me? 

FRASIER 

Professional? 

ROZ 

Okay funny boy let's see how well you do on your own. I'll put twenty bucks on you'll blow yourself up before the end of the first phone call. 

FRASIER 

Oh Roz I'm only joking. But seriously what do you think of this photo? 

ROZ 

It's fine. 

FRASIER 

You don't think I look a little oh I don't know, odd? 

ROZ 

You always look a little odd. (OFF FRASIER'S LOOK) Oh all right. Why do you think you look odd? 

FRASIER 

If I knew that I wouldn't be discussing it with you. Something just doesn't look right. That's not the Frasier Crane I know and love staring back at me. I don't look like that, do I? 

ROZ TAKES THE PHOTO OFF FRASIER AND HOLDS IT IN FRONT OF HIM 

ROZ 

Frasier this is a photo of yourself. This is what you look like. Except you've blatantly had them add a bit more hair to your head. It wasn't that thick when I first met you. 

FRASIER 

Something is definitely wrong. Look at my eyes. 

ROZ STARES AT HIS EYES 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

I meant on the photo. Do they look normal? 

ROZ 

They do have a certain slightly stoned, morning after, glazed kind of quality to them but they look like that everyday. There is nothing wrong with the photo. You look great. Very handsome. 

FRASIER 

Do you really think so? 

ROZ 

Of course I do. You just wait as soon as this poster hits the bus shelters there will be queues of women waiting to rub themselves up it. And not just women, you have a very large following in the gay community. But I guess that's because you're so prissy. (THEN) I mean that in a good way. I say it about firemen all the time, that hunky guy is so prissy. 

FRASIER 

I guess that's better then the reaction to my current poster. 

ROZ 

What's wrong with that one? Except there isn't one left in the city without a hairy mole and a lazy eye added? Not a flattering look on you. 

FRASIER 

They seem to be a gathering place for dogs to relieve themselves lets say. My skin colour has gone a distinctive yellow colour. I look as if I have scurvy. It's no wonder I've always struggled to find dates when that's the image on display to the City. 

ALLISON ENTERS INTO FRASIER'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH 

ALLISON 

Can I come in? You're not on air are you? 

ROZ 

Not right now. Frasier's just having his pre show whine like he always does. Some people do motivational chants or play inspirational music, Frasier just pouts like a child and tries to get me to rub his belly. 

FRASIER 

Don't you have some levels to check? 

ROZ 

Not really. 

FRASIER 

(POINTING OUT THE WINDOW) Oh look a fireman in tight leather trousers. 

ROZ RUSHES AND EXITS OUT OF THE BOOTH AND ALLISON LOOKS OUT OF THE WINDOW 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

I didn't mean for you to look. This is a surprise to see you. 

ALLISON 

I won't bother you long. I just need to know did I leave my trunk at your place again this morning? I have fears I left it in the trunk of a taxi again. 

FRASIER 

I'm not sure. Do you want me to get Dad to have a look and drop it by if it is still there? 

ALLISON 

No it's okay. I'll use someone else this afternoon. 

FRASIER 

Well I'll drop it by later. 

ALLISON 

Okay great. Well I'll see you later. Go heal the masses. 

FRASIER 

Bye. 

THEY KISS BEFORE ALLISON EXITS AND ROZ ENTERS BACK INTO THE BOOTH 

ROZ 

That wasn't funny. What were the odds that today would be the day for Gill to go through a mid life crisis and wear a pair of leather pants to work? I'm going to spend the next week washing my hands. (THEN) Frasier there's something I need to ask you. Is everything okay with Daphne? Has she been acting strangely with you? 

FRASIER 

Everything Daphne does is strange. But so that we never have to have her committed we've chosen to find her adorable. Which is a good thing considering. Had we not taken this view she'd have been wearing a white jacket and sitting in a padded room the moment I asked where the Cabinet was and she responded with right next to cabin B. 

ROZ 

Other then that she's done nothing out of the ordinary? 

FRASIER 

I don't think so. She's been her usual self. She was telling us this morning about how Grammy Moon got drunk and passed out on the turkey one Christmas Day. Unfortunately it was apparently in the oven at the time. How that woman lived to the age she did I'll never know. Why do you ask? 

ROZ 

I saw her in Nervosa this morning, and she was asking me if I thought she'd changed since she'd been with Niles. 

FRASIER 

If anyone's changed it's Niles. 

ROZ 

Yes now I guess you're the horny idiot. 

AS FRASIER GLARES AT ROZ WE: 

FADE OUT 

(D) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Martin, Frasier, Niles, Daphne) 

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR WATCHING THE GAME ON THE TELEVISION AS FRASIER WONDERS AROUND THE APARTMENT LOOKING FOR SOMETHING. WHEN HE HAS WALKED IN FRONT OF THE TELEVISION ONE TOO MANY TIMES MARTIN FINALLY SNAPS 

MARTIN 

Will you sit still I'm trying to watch the game. It was easier to watch the playoffs with Duke when he had piles and he was up and down like a jack in the box for the entire game. 

FRASIER 

Thank you for sharing that with me. I'm looking for something. 

MARTIN 

Well go and look over the side of the balcony or down the toilet until this is over. 

FRASIER 

Thanks for the help Dad. 

MARTIN 

You're welcome. I'm your Dad that's what I'm here for. 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND NILES ENTERS WEARING A TUXEDO 

FRASIER 

Oh hello Niles. 

NILES 

(CONCERNED) Frasier, that vein is throbbing on your forehead again. There have been no birds attacking one another in the street so Lilith can't be back in town. What's wrong? 

FRASIER 

You didn't by any chance take a trunk containing a puppet home with you this morning did you? 

NILES 

Although I have got into the habit of collecting trunks with possessed pieces of wood in over the last few weeks I can't say as I did. Why what's the matter? 

FRASIER 

I've lost Allison's puppet. 

NILES 

How can you loose it? It's an evil piece of hairy wood in a giant leather crate. You'd find it easier to loose Mount. Rushmore on a clear day. 

FRASIER 

That doesn't really help me though does it Niles. 

NILES 

Did you put it in your room? 

FRASIER 

Nope I checked. 

NILES 

How about in the kitchen? Maybe you put it in the refrigerator when you were getting a bottle of water out. 

FRASIER 

Of course Niles and maybe you've gone insane. 

NILES 

There's no need to get snippy. Where's the last place you saw it? 

FRASIER 

If I knew that I wouldn't be looking for it now. 

NILES 

Well it can't have got up and walked out of the apartment. 

FRASIER 

I wouldn't be surprised. All is not right with that puppet. 

NILES 

Are you surprised considering what that monkey did to it? You may have him calling into the show whilst standing on a window ledge. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM IN A VERY GLAMOROUS DRESS 

FRASIER 

Oh Daphne you haven't taken Allison's puppet into your room have you? 

DAPHNE 

Oh all right you've caught me. I have a fetish about cuddling up to a large block of hairy wood. The splinters get me down every now and then and it takes me hours to remove them from all sorts of unusual places but it's worth it. 

FRASIER 

I'll take that as a no then shall I? 

DAPHNE 

If you like. 

NILES 

(TO DAPHNE) You look stunning. 

THEY KISS 

DAPHNE 

You don't look too bad yourself. I love your tux. Very James Bond like. 

NILES 

Do you think so? 

DAPHNE 

Talk about sex on legs in a suit. 

FRASIER 

All right you two. Can you stop the foreplay for one moment and help me find my puppet. 

FRASIER WALKS TO THE TELEVISION AND SWITCHES IT OFF 

MARTIN 

Hey what did you do that for? 

FRASIER 

Because Allison is expecting it back and I need help. You can watch the highlights later. Now help me look. 

MARTIN 

I'm going to look for it down at McGinty's. 

FRASIER GLARES AT MARTIN 

MARTIN 

Oh fine. 

MARTIN WALKS OVER TO THE COUCH AND STARTS TO LOOK BEHIND THE CUSHIONS 

FRASIER 

It's not going to have got squeezed down the back of the couch Dad. It's ever so slightly bigger then a nickel. 

NILES 

You don't suppose Eddie would have taken it somewhere. 

DAPHNE 

It's not unlikely that monkey fancied his chances. And Eddie will try it on with anything. No table leg, pillow, or pile of washing is safe from him so I doubt Spankey survived without a night of romance. 

NILES 

I meant could he have buried him at the dog park? 

FRASIER 

And you don't think we'd have noticed him dragging a block of wood with eyes out of the apartment by his feet? 

NILES 

It's not completely implausible. 

DAPHNE 

Maybe someone broke into the apartment and stole it. 

MARTIN 

And just taken a puppet? 

DAPHNE 

No, they might have stolen something else. Like a plastic mermaid lamp and a ratty old hairbrush for example. 

MARTIN 

You better not have given them away. 

FRASIER 

We would never have done that Dad. No one wanted them we had to throw them away. 

NILES 

Wait a second. Do you think it got put into your storage space with everything else? 

FRASIER 

That's impossible it all got thrown away. Everything that was left by the front door the super came and put in the dumpster outside this afternoon. (REALISING) Oh dear God! 

DAPHNE 

Dr. Crane you didn't by any chance leave the puppet by the front door did you? 

FRASIER RUNS AND EXITS OUT THE FRONT DOOR 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

I'll take that as a yes. 

AS DAPHNE AND NILES GO TO LEAVE WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FUNDRAISER BALLROOM — EVENING — DAY/2   
(Niles, Daphne, Chester, Diana, Fern, Waiter) 

THE ROOM IS ELEGANTLY DRESSED FOR THE OCCASION AND REEKS OF PEOPLE WITH MONEY. ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE OF THE ROOM IS A BAR AND THE ENTRANCE. ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE IS A BAND AND A SMALL DANCE FLOOR. THE ROOM IS FULL TO THE RAFTERS OF PEOPLE CONGRATULATING ONE ANOTHER ON BEING SO GENEROUS. NILES AND DAPHNE SIT AT A TABLE CLOSEST TO THE ENTRANCE WITH SEVERAL OTHER PEOPLE, INCLUDING TWO EXQUISITELY DRESSED WOMEN, DIANA AND FERN. DAPHNE LOOKS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE 

NILES 

Daphne are you feeling okay? 

DAPHNE 

I'm fine. 

NILES 

You don't look fine. You look clenched. 

DAPHNE 

If you're trying to seduce me doctor you're doing a pretty rotten job of it. 

NILES 

Point taken. Are you sure you're okay? 

DAPHNE 

Well I'm... 

CHESTER, A MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE HE HAS MONEY TO BURN, APPROACHES THE TABLE AND GOES TO SHAKE NILES' HAND 

CHESTER 

Crane good to see you again. We know we can always bank of you for a generous donation. Thanks to you there'll be more children with foils in their hands this summer. 

NILES 

I like to do what I can. 

CHESTER 

Have you met Senator Green? 

NILES 

(TO DAPHNE) I'll be right back. 

DAPHNE 

Take your time. 

NILES STANDS AND FOLLOWS CHESTER OVER TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM. DAPHNE SITS FOR A MOMENT LOOKING AROUND THE ROOM FOR A FRIENDLY FACE TO TALK TO 

DIANA 

Did you see the new Kinnear exhibit? 

FERN 

It was exquisite wasn't it? Bruce and I spent quite a lot of time with the artist afterwards. It was most satisfying to discover that he detests the new Johnson portrait as much as we do. 

DAPHNE 

You know me brothers used to paint. 

DIANA 

Really dear? And what was it they used to paint? Houses? 

DAPHNE 

Not quite. My brother Billy made quite a bob or two painting some of the neighbours pets as a child. He was really good at it as well. That was until my other brothers decided to get in on the act and did paint the neighbours pets quite literally. Mrs. Randall's Poofy was green for weeks. 

FERN 

(TO DIANA) Shall we get a glass of champagne? 

DIANA 

If you'll excuse us. 

DIANA AND FERN GET UP AND MOVE QUICKLY TOWARDS THE BAR AS A WAITER PUTS A TRAY ON THE TABLE AND STARTS TO COLLECT THE EMPTY GLASSES 

DAPHNE 

How are you this evening? 

WAITER 

I'm sorry I'm not permitted to socialise with the guests. 

THE WAITER FINISHES PICKING UP THE GLASSES AND MOVES TO THE BAR 

DAPHNE 

That makes two of us. 

NILES WALKS BACK OVER TO THE TABLE AND SITS BACK DOWN 

NILES 

That man could bore you to death in one foul swoop. I'm sure he's the soul cause of narcolepsy in the whole of the Washington state area. 

DAPHNE 

Why are we here? 

NILES 

I have to be here. 

DAPHNE 

All right then why am I here? I don't fit in here. 

NILES 

That's nonsense. Everyone here loves you. 

DAPHNE 

Then they do a really good job of hiding it. 

NILES 

Forget everybody else here; let's just focus on us. (IN A VERY BAD SCOTTISH ACCENT) Would you care to dance young lady? 

NILES STANDS AND TAKES DAPHNE'S HAND 

DAPHNE 

Was that supposed to be Scottish? 

NILES 

Possibly. It's better then your American. 

DAPHNE 

Once again lousy job on the seducing front tonight Mr. Bond. 

NILES 

Let's show this crowd what we're made of. 

DAPHNE STANDS TO REVEAL THAT THE BACK OF HER DRESS IS STUCK DOWN THE BACK OF HER UNDERWEAR REVEALING ALL. AS NILES IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF HER DANCING HE DOESN'T NOTICE AS EVERYONE ELSE STARES AND LAUGHS AND WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

TITLE CARD: "ROZ DOYLE — DUMPSTER QUEEN" 

FADE IN: 

EXT. STREET CORNER OUTSIDE THE ELLIOT BAY TOWERS — NIGHT — DAY/2   
(Roz, Frasier, Man) 

FRASIER AND ROZ STAND OUTSIDE THE BUILDING BY A BACK ALLEY THAT HAS SEVERAL DUMPSTERS LINED UP. ROZ JUMPS UP AND DOWN TO KEEP WARM 

ROZ 

What exactly are we doing out here? Apart from freezing my ass off. When you called me you didn't mention anything about hanging around on a street corner. I had dinner and a movie more in mind. 

FRASIER 

We're looking for Spankey. 

ROZ 

And where exactly are you expecting him to be? Standing on the street corner trying to sell his little wooden body to young men looking for a good time and with a few dollars in their pockets? 

FRASIER 

You seem to be confusing him with yourself. 

ROZ 

Oh can you imagine where you'd get splinters. 

FRASIER 

I'd rather not thank you very much. 

ROZ 

Where am I supposed to be looking? Down the manhole? You didn't actually flush him down the toilet did you? Because the sewer people will have snapped him up for firewood the moment he came whizzing down that pipe. 

FRASIER 

No I didn't. Now get in the dumpster. 

ROZ 

Excuse me? 

FRASIER 

The super must have thrown him away with the rest of the junk from my closet so he must be in one of these dumpsters. 

ROZ 

And what does that have to do with me? 

FRASIER 

I want you to get in the dumpster and have a dig around. 

ROZ 

No way! 

FRASIER 

Please Roz. 

ROZ 

Why can't you do it? 

FRASIER 

Because I'm too big to fit in there. 

ROZ 

No you're not. You get in the dumpster and dig around. 

FRASIER 

I'll pay you. Twenty dollars. 

ROZ 

No. 

A MAN WALKS PAST THEM AND OVER HEARS 

FRASIER 

Fifty dollars. 

ROZ 

No. 

MAN 

Come on buddy she's worth much more then that. She's gorgeous. Although it all depends on what she'll do. Do you woof? Would you object to scent marking me? 

FRASIER 

I want her to get into the dumpster and look for something. 

MAN 

Ooh kinky. I like your style. 

THE MAN WALKS AWAY AND EXITS AS FRASIER AND ROZ STARE AFTER HIM 

FRASIER 

One hundred dollars and a wide screen television. 

ROZ 

How wide? 

FRASIER 

The longer you stay in the dumpster and look the wider it gets. 

ROZ 

And that doesn't sound at all perverted does it. Oh fine. But you've got to help me get in. 

FRASIER 

And how do I do that? Call and get a stair lift fitted? We really don't have the time Roz. 

ROZ 

Give me a boost. 

FRASIER 

But your shoes are dirty and I don't have any gloves. 

ROZ 

Do you want me to get in the dumpster or not? 

FRASIER 

Oh fine. Just don't put your shoe in my face. 

FRASIER AND ROZ MOVE OVER TO THE DUMPSTER BEFORE FRASIER CUPS HIS HANDS FOR ROZ TO STAND ON. ROZ GRABS ON TO THE EDGE OF THE DUMPSTER AND CAREFULLY TRIES TO CLIMB OVER THE EDGE 

ROZ 

Be careful I don't want to go in headfirst. I said be careful! 

FRASIER TRIES TO HELP ROZ BY PUSHING HER BUT UNFORTUNATELY PUSHES HER TOO HARD WHICH CAUSES HER TO FALL IN THE DUMPSTER HEAD FIRST. AS FRASIER TRIES TO PEER OVER THE EDGE TO SEE HER, ROZ EVENTUALLY EMERGES COVERED IN TRASH 

FRASIER 

You seem to have a tiny something in your hair there. 

ROZ PULLS SOMETHING THAT LOOKS LIKE LETTUCE FROM HER HAIR BEFORE SHE STANDS UP AND STARTS TO LOOK AROUND 

ROZ 

I'm going to hope to God that's mud and there's isn't a diaper in here. Oh my God! This is disgusting. It's squelching under my feet. What do people eat in your building? It smells like hell. 

FRASIER 

We're not here to judge the people in the building just to find Spankey. 

ROZ 

What is that? 

ROZ PICKS SOMETHING UP TO LOOK AT IT 

ROZ 

Oh my God it's a toe! 

FRASIER 

A what? 

ROZ 

It's a human toe. It's a severed human toe. It even has its nail painted. What kind of freaky person wears bright green nail varnish? Oh maybe that's mould. 

ROZ GOES TO GIVE IT TO FRASIER WHO BACKS AWAY 

FRASIER 

Well don't give it to me I don't want it. 

ROZ 

It won't hurt you. 

FRASIER 

It might have a disease. 

ROZ 

That caused the rest of it to rot away? 

FRASIER 

Have you never heard of leprosy? It's a disease on the come back. It's not out of the realms of possibility. Why would there be a toe in the dumpster outside my building? 

ROZ 

I'd answer that Frasier but as you said we're not here to judge the people in the building. 

FRASIER 

What do we do with it? 

ROZ 

Call the Police. See if they can identify who it is. 

FRASIER 

And how would they do that? When was the last time the Police took a toe print from you? 

ROZ 

There's no need to be sarcastic. 

ROZ GETS DISTRACTED BY SOMETHING IN THE DUMPSTER AND CONTINUES TO DIG THROUGH THE GARBAGE 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Here's a piece of wood. No it's not Spankey. Here's Martin's mermaid lamp. 

FRASIER 

(IMMEDIATELY) Leave it. 

ROZ 

I dread to think what else is in here. 

FRASIER 

As long as there isn't anything alive in there I wouldn't worry about it. 

ROZ 

I wouldn't put money on it... 

A CAT JUMPS FROM THE NEXT DUMPSTER AND LANDS ON ROZ CAUSING HER TO SCREAM AND FALL OVER 

ROZ 

Ahhhhhhhhh. 

FRASIER 

Roz stop playing with the cat and look for Spankey. 

ROZ SHAKES OFF THE CAT AND TRIES TO STAND BACK UP 

ROZ 

(SHOUTS) I'm so sorry for wasting time but surely you can see I'm having so much fun in here! 

AS ROZ CONTINUES TO LOOK IN THE DUMPSTER WE: 

FADE OUT 

(G) 

FADE IN: 

INT. NILES' BEDROOM — NIGHT — DAY/2   
(Daphne, Niles) 

NILES AND DAPHNE LIE IN BED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WITH NILES FAST ASLEEP AND WITH DAPHNE WIDE AWAKE LOOKING WORRIEDLY UP AT THE CEILING. SHE THEN SITS UP AND STARTS TO POKE NILES TO WAKE HIM UP 

DAPHNE 

Niles! Niles! 

NILES SUDDENLY WAKES WITH A START 

NILES 

What? I didn't touch the beaver he hit me first. 

DAPHNE 

What? 

NILES 

What what? 

DAPHNE 

What were you just saying? 

NILES 

I don't know I was asleep. What time is it? 

DAPHNE 

Three-twenty. Don't go back to sleep I need to talk to you. 

NILES PUTS HIS HEAD BACK ON THE PILLOW AND RELAXES 

NILES 

Okay. What about? 

DAPHNE 

About something that happened today. 

NILES STARTS TO SNORE 

DAPHNE 

I was...Niles. Niles! 

DAPHNE SMACKS NILES AND HE WAKES BACK UP 

NILES 

What? 

DAPHNE 

Did you go back to sleep? 

NILES 

No, not at all. I just shut my eyes. 

DAPHNE 

Yes you did. You started to snore. 

NILES 

Did I? Oh well I'm sorry. Carry on. 

NILES PUTS HIS HEAD BACK ON THE PILLOW AGAIN 

DAPHNE 

Something happened today that's bothering me. I was in Nervosa and I ran into a couple of the girls from down the pub. Are you listening? Niles. Niles! 

DAPHNE SMACKS NILES AGAIN AND HE WAKES BACK UP YET AGAIN 

NILES 

What? Is there a burglar? Find something that looks like a gun. 

DAPHNE 

You went to sleep again. 

NILES 

Did I? I'm sorry sweetheart I'm tired. 

NILES PUTS HIS HEAD BACK ON HIS PILLOW AND CLOSES HIS EYES 

DAPHNE 

More like narcoleptic. Are you going to stay awake? Niles. Niles! If you wake up I promise you sex when I'm done talking this through. 

NILES IMMEDIATELY OPENS HIS EYES AND SITS UP 

NILES 

And I'm awake and feeling suddenly sprightly. 

DAPHNE 

Go and stand by the door. 

NILES 

Why? Do I have to wear a dunce hat? 

DAPHNE 

Because then I'll be sure you won't fall back to sleep again. 

NILES GETS OUT OF BED AND GOES TO STAND BY THE DOOR 

NILES 

Okay. What do you want to talk about? 

DAPHNE 

Do you think I've changed? 

NILES 

I don't think so. You were wearing that when I fell asleep. 

DAPHNE 

Not my clothes. As a person. Have I changed? 

NILES 

Daphne, what's all this about? 

DAPHNE 

I was talking to Sarah and Laura in Nervosa. They seemed to be under the impression that I'd become a different person since we've been together. 

NILES 

Well you're hairs changed. And you seem happier then when we first met which I can only hope is down to me. But you're still the same person I met nine years ago. 

DAPHNE 

I just don't feel like I fit in anywhere anymore. Apparently I'm beyond my old crowd at the pub and tonight I stuck out like a sore thumb. 

NILES 

No you didn't. 

DAPHNE 

Niles they were all staring at me. All they did was stare and laugh when we were dancing. They knew I didn't belong there. 

NILES 

They were staring at you because of how looked. Do you honestly have no idea how beautiful you looked tonight? How beautiful you look every night. 

DAPHNE 

Thank you. 

NILES 

You're welcome. 

NILES WALKS BACK OVER TO HER AND KISSES HER 

DAPHNE 

Okay now back to the door. 

NILES SIGHS AND WALKS BACK TO THE DOOR 

NILES 

Daphne you can't expect to be completely the same person you were five years ago, things have changed, especially for us. I'm sure I've changed since my divorce from Maris. 

DAPHNE 

I guess you're right. It was just bothering me a little. I feel much better now. Thank you. 

DAPHNE LIES BACK DOWN AND CLOSES HER EYES 

NILES 

That's what I'm here for. 

DAPHNE 

Then I'm very lucky. 

NILES 

I'm the lucky one around here. And now I believe I was on a promise. 

NILES WALKS BACK TO THE BED AND SITS DOWN 

A BEAT 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Daphne. Daphne. 

A BEAT 

DAPHNE STARTS TO QUIETLY SNORE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Perfect. 

AS NILES CLIMBS BACK INTO BED AND CURLS UP TO GO TO SLEEP WE: 

FADE OUT 

(H) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — EVENING — DAY/3   
(Frasier, Daphne, Roz, Martin, Niles, Allison, Eddie) 

DAPHNE CHECKS ON SOMETHING IN THE OVEN AS FRASIER PACES BACK AND FORTH ACROSS THE KITCHEN AND ROZ LEANS UP THE SINK WATCHING HIM DRINKING A GLASS OF WATER 

FRASIER 

What am I going to do? Allison is going to be here any minute now and I'm still missing her puppet. 

DAPHNE 

(TO FRASIER) Wasn't it in the dumpster? 

ROZ 

Oh don't ask the little girl here. He just stood on the street corner and shrieked if any bit of trash came towards him while I had to climb in there and dig around. Smell me. 

DAPHNE 

I'd rather not. 

ROZ 

I couldn't get anyone to serve me in Nervosa. I couldn't smell any worse if I were dead. 

FRASIER 

Haven't you showered at all? 

ROZ 

Thirteen times in eight hours. My skin got so wrinkly I looked like I should be playing checkers all day in the park and keeping my teeth in a jar and the smell still won't go away. I'm beginning to think this smell has a life of it's own. 

FRASIER 

Roz I feel for you I really do but right now I need help. What do I do? 

ROZ 

Buy her a new one before she gets here. 

FRASIER 

I should just run down to the puppet store should I? There is no puppet store! 

DAPHNE 

Why don't you make a new one then? 

FRASIER 

She'll know it's not the real one. 

DAPHNE 

You can keep it in the trunk and she might think it's real long enough for you to have chance to find the real one. 

ROZ 

You know that might work. 

FRASIER 

What is the matter with the two of you? There's no way that will work. To start with we don't have the trunk. 

DAPHNE 

What other options do you have? 

A BEAT 

FRASIER GRABS THE WOODEN BLOCK THAT HIS KITCHEN KNIFES ARE FROM AND PLACES IT IN FRONT OF DAPHNE AND ROZ 

FRASIER 

We can use this for the body. 

ROZ 

I have lipstick for his eyes and mouth. 

ROZ PUTS HER HAND IN HER COAT POCKET BUT QUICKLY PULLS IT BACK OUT AGAIN DROPPING SOMETHING ON THE FLOOR AS SHE GOES 

ROZ 

Oh my God what is that? 

DAPHNE 

It looks like a toe. What's are you doing with a severed toe? I know a lot of people keep mementos from old boyfriends but actually taking body parts is a bit extreme. 

ROZ 

I found it in the dumpster outside. 

FRASIER 

So naturally you put it in your pocket to keep? 

ROZ 

I don't know how it got in there. I was too busy being attacked by a crazed rapid cat and searching for a lump of wood to notice where I'd put any severed body parts. 

EDDIE ENTERS, SEES THE TOE ON THE FLOOR, PICKS IT UP IN HIS MOUTH AND EXITS UNNOTICED BY EVERYONE ELSE 

FRASIER 

Why are you even still wearing the same coat you rolled around in garbage in? 

ROZ 

I was going to take it to the dry cleaners after I left here but it was raining so I had to put it on. 

FRASIER 

Some one pick it up. Wait a second it's gone. 

DAPHNE 

Where could it have gone? 

FRASIER / ROZ /DAPHNE 

(SHOUTS) Eddie! 

FRASIER, ROZ AND DAPHNE EXIT RUNNING INTO THE LIVING ROOM 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

EDDIE SITS ON MARTIN'S CHAIR CHEWING AS FRASIER, ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER. FRASIER PUTS HIS ARMS IN FRONT OF ROZ AND DAPHNE TO STOP THEM FROM JUMPING ON EDDIE 

FRASIER 

Slowly don't startle him. 

THEY ALL EDGE CLOSER TO EDDIE WHO STOPS CHEWING AND WATCHES THEM 

FRASIER 

On the count of three. One, two, three! 

ALL THREE LUNGE TOWARDS EDDIE WHO PICKS UP THE TOE AND RUNS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN. FRASIER, ROZ AND DAPHNE ALL FOLLOW HIM 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER, ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER CORNERING EDDIE UP THE CORNER OF THE COUNTER 

FRASIER 

Good boy Eddie drop it. 

ROZ 

Offer him something in exchange. 

FRASIER 

That's called a bribe. 

ROZ 

And that's called a dog eating a human toe in your kitchen. 

FRASIER 

Good point. Here have this. 

FRASIER OPENS THE OVEN DOOR AND REMOVES A LAMP CHOP THAT DAPHNE HAD BEEN COOKING 

DAPHNE 

Don't give him that! 

FRASIER GIVES EDDIE THE LAMB CHOP WHICH CAUSES HIM TO DROP THE TOE 

FRASIER 

Quick now someone pick it up. 

ROZ 

I'm not touching it again. 

FRASIER 

You've spent all night with it in your pocket. 

ROZ 

Then you pick it up. 

FRASIER 

If I wouldn't touch it last night I'm not going to touch it this morning. 

DAPHNE 

Oh fine I'll do it. 

DAPHNE BENDS DOWN AND PICKS UP THE TOE WITH A PAIR OF TONGS BEFORE GOING TO PUT IT DOWN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL 

FRASIER 

Not down the garbage disposal. 

DAPHNE 

It's not as if you eat what goes down there. 

FRASIER 

I do not want that toe in my apartment for any longer then is necessary. 

DAPHNE 

Fine. 

DAPHNE EXITS OUT OF THE KITCHEN AS FRASIER AND ROZ WATCH HER THROUGH THE DRINKS CABINET 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN STILL CARRYING THE TOE. SHE WALKS TO THE BALCONY AND OPENS THE DOOR. SHE THEN STEPS OUTSIDE AND THROWS THE TOE OVER THE BALCONY 

DAPHNE 

Happy landing. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND ROZ STILL STARE AFTER DAPHNE 

FRASIER 

Great now the doorman will think we're in the mob. 

DAPHNE ENTERS AND IMMEDIATELY STARTS TO WASH THE TONGS 

ROZ 

Now what else did it wear? 

FRASIER 

Well it's a monkey so it's supposed to be covered in fur. 

DAPHNE 

Where do we get fur from? 

FRASIER'S GAZE SUDDENLY TURNS TOWARDS EDDIE. SLOWLY DAPHNE AND ROZ START TO STARE AT HIM AS WELL 

DAPHNE 

We can't. He'll kill us. 

FRASIER 

Just do it, it'll grow back. 

ROZ PICKS UP EDDIE AND DAPHNE GETS OUT THE SCISSORS AS MARTIN ENTERS

FRASIER 

Dad! 

MARTIN 

What's going on? 

FRASIER PUSHES MARTIN OUT OF THE DOOR AND THEY BOTH EXIT

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND MARTIN ENTER, WITH FRASIER PUSHING MARTIN TOWARDS THE DOOR 

FRASIER 

Nothing, nothing at all. I thought you were going to McGinty's. 

MARTIN 

I am. 

FRASIER 

Then off you go. Have a nice time. Here have a drink on me. 

MARTIN 

Something's going on. 

FRASIER 

No it's not honestly. Now off you go. 

MARTIN EXITS BEFORE FRASIER EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

ROZ HOLDS A HANDFUL OF FUR AS DAPHNE SPREADS MEAT PASTE ON THE BLOCK OF WOOD TO GLUE IT ON THAT NOW HAS EYES AND A MOUTH DRAWN ON IN LIPSTICK AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER 

How's it coming along? 

DAPHNE 

Eddie now has a bald patch. 

FRASIER 

Well cut it more even. 

ROZ 

Fine go ahead hair stylist to the short and fury you do it. 

FRASIER 

How about the hair from a hairbrush? 

DAPHNE 

That'll do. 

ROZ 

Yours should be full of hair. 

FRASIER EXITS INTO THE LIVING ROOM AS ROZ AND DAPHNE CONTINUE TO DRESS THE BLOCK OF WOOD. AFTER A MOMENT FRASIER ENTERS HOLDING MARTIN'S MERMAID LAMP 

FRASIER 

(ANNOYED) What is this doing back here? 

DAPHNE 

Has the toe come back? 

FRASIER 

I'm talking about this! Did you get it for him out of the dumpster? 

ROZ 

No 

FRASIER 

Are you lying? 

ROZ 

Yes 

FRASIER 

Well it's about to go on the ride of it's life. 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Oh no. It's Allison. Is it done? 

DAPHNE 

It'll have to be. 

FRASIER EXITS INTO THE LIVING ROOM STILL HOLDING THE MERMAID LAMP, WITH ROZ FOLLOWING AND DAPHNE CARRYING THE BLOCK OF WOOD 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER, ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER. DAPHNE PUTS THE BLOCK OF WOOD ON THE DINING TABLE AS FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND NILES ENTERS LOOKING DISTRESSED AND HOLDING HIS HANDKERCHIEF TO HIS MOUTH 

FRASIER 

Oh Niles, thank God it's you. 

NILES 

Someone threw a toe at me from over one of the balconies. 

DAPHNE 

(GUILTILY) Really? Who would do such a horrible thing like that? 

DAPHNE KISSES HIM 

NILES 

That's the last time I decide to walk anywhere. I'm frightened to go back out in case I see an ear hurtling towards my head. 

ROZ 

That's not likely. 

NILES 

(RE: MERMAID LAMP) What is that doing back? 

FRASIER 

Ask the dumpster girl here. 

NILES SEES THE BLOCK OF WOOD ON THE TABLE 

NILES 

But more alarmingly, what is that? 

FRASIER 

(PROUDLY) It's Spankey. I found him. 

NILES 

This is Spankey? 

FRASIER 

Yes it is. 

NILES 

Okay Frasier I need you to come and have a lie down and I'll write you a prescription and then everything will be better. 

ROZ 

If it doesn't fool Niles it'll never fool Allison. 

FRASIER 

You don't think it will fool Allison? 

NILES 

Only if you get her drunk first and poke her in the eye. 

ROZ 

No he wants to fool her not get her to sleep with him. 

FRASIER 

What other options do we have in the time? 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER FREEZES ON THE SPOT BEFORE CRINGING 

DAPHNE 

I'm going to say none. 

FRASIER 

I'll just have to confess. 

ROZ 

Oh goody this will be fun. 

ROZ SITS ON THE COUCH GETTING IN A PRIME POSITION TO WATCH 

FRASIER 

Can you give us some privacy please? 

ROZ 

Oh if we have to. 

DAPHNE, NILES AND ROZ EXIT TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM 

FRASIER 

All the way and shut the door. 

ROZ 

(OFF STAGE) How do you know we're still here? 

FRASIER 

Because you just spoke. 

FRASIER PICKS UP THE BLOCK OF WOOD AND EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN. HE THEN ENTERS, COMPOSES HIMSELF AND OPENS THE FRONT DOOR AS ALLISON ENTERS

FRASIER 

Allison hi. 

ALLISON 

Hello. I'm sorry I can't stop I've just come to get Spankey and then I have a birthday party to do. 

FRASIER 

Oh well let me just get him for you. 

FRASIER RATHER RELUCTANTLY EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

ALLISON 

What were you doing with him in the kitchen? 

FRASIER 

(FROM THE KITCHEN) Just sharing my secret ingredient for my world renown steamed artichoke. He's promised he won't say a word, even under torture. 

FRASIER ENTERS CARRYING THE BLOCK OF WOOD 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Well here he is. 

ALLISON 

What's this? 

FRASIER 

Spankey. 

ALLISON 

This is Spankey? 

FRASIER 

I know it's been a while since you've seen him but surely you can't have forgotten him. 

ALLISON 

You've lost him haven't you? 

FRASIER 

(CRUMBLING LIKE A CAKE) Yes. I thought at first that the super had put him in the dumpster with the rest of my junk but I dug and dug around in there all last night and I can't find him. 

ROZ 

(OFF STAGE) Ha! 

FRASIER 

(SHOUTS) I meant shutting the door when you're all inside. I am so sorry and I won't stop looking for him until I find him. 

ALLISON 

Frasier don't worry about it. I've done it myself. 

FRASIER 

You've thrown him out? 

ALLISON 

Well no I'm not an idiot but I've lost him enough times. I left him here twice in a few hours I'm sure he'll turn up. I'll just have to continue using someone else until then. 

FRASIER 

If there's anything I can do to help. 

ALLISON 

Well I do need a dummy and after the way you've been acting just now you'll fit the bill perfectly. 

AS ALLISON HUGS FRASIER WE: 

FADE OUT 

(I) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S STORAGE SPACE — EVENING — DAY/3   
(Frasier, Daphne) 

FRASIER'S STORAGE SPACE IS GETTING RATHER FULL WITH ALL THE JUNK HE'S COLLECTED OVER THE YEARS. IT IS NOW JOINED BY EVERYTHING THAT HE WANTED TO THROW OUT THE OTHER DAY. FRASIER STANDS BEHIND A LARGE PILE OF BOOKS AS DAPHNE ENTERS

FRASIER 

Oh hello Daphne. What are you doing down here? 

DAPHNE 

I thought you could use some help. I know how scared you can get of this puppet. And it is rather dark down here. Are you sure he's going to be down here? 

FRASIER 

He had better be. I nearly split my trousers and ruined my chances of ever having any more children climbing over here. My voice hasn't gone that high since the first time I wrote Lilith's alimony cheque. 

DAPHNE 

Are you okay? 

FRASIER 

Well I'm all the poorer for it but my eyes have since stopped watering. 

DAPHNE 

So what did the super say? 

FRASIER 

From what few syllables the man was able to put together I gather he thought I'd said storage space when I said dumpster. Why he couldn't have done that with Dad's chair all those years ago I'll never know. Thankfully this time the wrong thing was the right thing for me. 

DAPHNE 

You've sure got a lot of stuff down here. 

FRASIER 

It has rather collected up over the years. I got stuck earlier behind this old sofa. I thought I was going to have to send up a distress flair for someone to find me. 

DAPHNE 

The whole basement could do with a clear out. It's turning into a bit of a death trap. You know they still haven't found old Mrs. Ford from the 12th floor when she came down here last week to find an old suitcase. You can bring some of this back up again soon. You can have your study back to how it was. 

FRASIER 

I'm not sure I'll put the study back. 

DAPHNE 

Why not? You've been mourning the loss of it since the moment I moved in here. For the first year I was expecting to see you wear a black armband. 

FRASIER 

Well it's your room. 

DAPHNE 

It sounds as if you expect me to be back in it soon. 

FRASIER 

Not at all. Freddie can use it when he stays. And who knows maybe one day I can have a little niece or nephew use it for the night. 

DAPHNE 

That would be nice. 

FRASIER 

Daphne is everything okay? You've seemed a little down recently. 

DAPHNE 

I need an objective opinion on something. Do you think I've changed as a person? 

FRASIER 

(IMMEDIATELY) Yes. 

DAPHNE 

Okay well that's rather frightening. When the girls from the pub told me that I'd changed a lot, I was bothered by it but I didn't really believe it. 

FRASIER 

But I mean in a very good way Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

How is that? I was basically told I didn't know how to have fun anymore and I was becoming a boring, old stuffed shirt like you and Niles. 

FRASIER 

And on behalf of Niles and myself I thank you. 

DAPHNE 

Oh you know what I mean. 

FRASIER 

Daphne how can you say you don't have fun? You've just thrown a severed toe over the balcony onto your fiancé and helped make a puppet from the block my kitchen knifes are from and dog fur. 

DAPHNE 

That was more frightening and slightly disturbing then fun. 

FRASIER 

But you also can spend evenings like last night at the fundraiser. 

DAPHNE 

Oh and I go down like a storm there. Everyone was looking at me like I had some odd shaped growth on my face. I don't fit in there and I don't fit in with my old crowd anymore. I feel like a social leper. 

FRASIER 

You fit in with Niles and me. And then on the other side of the coin you fit in with Dad and Roz. You can be both Daphne. You're still so obsessed with acknowledging your working class roots that you think you can't be anything else. Yes they matter and you always have that side of you but you've also evolved and you have that side of you as well now. 

DAPHNE 

I think it was the best thing I ever did working for a psychiatrist. 

FRASIER 

Well believe me the best thing I ever did was hiring you. And there's not a day that goes by without Niles thanking me for it. 

DAPHNE 

Thank you Dr. Crane. 

FRASIER 

That's okay Daphne. I'm always here for you you know that. 

FRASIER REACHES BEHIND A BOOKCASE AND PRODUCES A TRUNK 

FRASIER 

And aha Spankey! 

FRASIER HANDS DAPHNE THE TRUNK BEFORE HE BEGINS TO CLIMB OUT. DAPHNE LOOKS INSIDE AND THEN SLAMS THE LID SHUT 

DAPHNE 

Dr. Crane he's not in here. 

FRASIER 

You're joking! 

DAPHNE 

Yes. 

FRASIER 

Now that's not being fun that's being cruel. 

AS DAPHNE LAUGHS AND HELPS FRASIER OUT FROM BEHIND THE PILES OF FURNITURE AND BOXES WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: MARTIN STANDS IN THE KITCHEN FINISHING OFF A CAN OF BEER. WHEN HE HAS EMPTIED IT HE GOES TO PUT IT IN THE BIN BUT STOPS BEFORE HE DOES AND INSTEAD BENDS DOWN AND PICKS UP HIS MERMAID LAMP FROM OUT OF THE BIN. HE THEN TURNS TO THE DOOR AND YELLS FRASIER'S NAME BEFORE EDDIE COMES RUNNING IN. QUICKLY MARTIN PUTS THE LAMP DOWN AND PICKS UP EDDIE SEEING HIS BALD SPOT. HE THEN SHOUTS FRASIER'S NAME AGAIN AND RUSHES OUT OF THE KITCHEN AFTER HIM   
  



	21. Episode TwentyOne

I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. Thanks to Jodie for eliminating my Englishness from this piece, Pete for reading it over and to everyone who sent me feedback for the last one, it was really appreciated. Please send any comments about this one to kelly_simba@hotmail.com. This one actually turned out to be twice as long as I wanted it to be because I've been planning it since the beginning of 2002. So get yourself a drink, take the phone off the hook and get comfortable. Enjoy...  
  
Frasier  
  
Alternative Season Nine Episode Twenty-One  
  
Secrets and Lies  
  
By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com)   
  
ACT ONE  
  
(A) TITLE CARD: "HE FORGOT THE NUMBER FOR 911" FADE IN: INT. KACL RADIO BOOTH - AFTERNOON - DAY/1  
  
(Frasier, Roz, Daphne, Kenny, Martin (VO), Jack (VO)) FRASIER AND ROZ SIT ON THEIR RESPECTIVE SIDES OF THE GLASS PARTITION IN THE MIDDLE OF DOING A SHOW. FRASIER IS JUST FINISHING UP WITH A CALLER  
FRASIER  
So to sum up, if you continue to do it, don't blame me when you  
eventually go blind. Thank you for your call. And if you've just  
tuned in late firstly where have you been and secondly I bet  
that response sounded rather strange. Roz who do we have next?  
ROZ  
(SMILING KNOWINGLY) We have Martin from Seattle on line one.  
FRASIER  
Hello Martin, you're on the line with Dr. Frasier Crane. I'm  
listening.  
MARTIN (VO)  
Yeah hi Dr. Crane. My problem is with my son. I've lived with  
him for years. Even after all this time he keeps moving my stuff  
and throwing it out when I tell him not to. The Korean's  
listened to me more when I asked them not to shoot me during the  
war then my son does. This is the same guy who has hysterics if  
a drop of dew off my beer can goes on one of his precious foo  
foo nick knacks. He squealed so loud the other day I saw two  
pigeons attack one another on the balcony for no reason. It took  
me hours to Hoover up all the feathers. FRASIER MUTES HIS MICROPHONE TO TALK TO ROZ  
FRASIER  
This is my father Roz. Live on the radio humiliating me.  
ROZ  
It's a slow day I needed something to liven it up and entertain  
me before I develop some sort of sleeping sickness. I don't want  
to electrocute myself by falling asleep and drooling on the  
console. And it was either your Dad or that guy who thinks he's  
a tiger and roars at you. He's always good for a laugh or two.  
Especially when he was caught sent marking your BMW in that  
animal print thong. Thank God the security cameras were working  
that day or I'd have had nothing to give as Secret Santa every  
year.  
FRASIER  
I see I'm so glad to know that I entertain you so much by having  
a man rub himself up my leg and pant. I also see our careers  
vanishing down the toilet as I speak.  
MARTIN (VO)  
Now suddenly my dog's leash has gone missing into thin air. FRASIER TURNS HIS MICROPHONE BACK ON AGAIN  
FRASIER  
How about we continue this conversation at a more appropriate  
time like at the end of the show or right before I make the  
decision to pull the plug on your ventilator or not? At the  
moment I'm edging towards pulling the plug before doing a little  
jig about the room and then setting fire to your chair.  
MARTIN (VO)  
Fine we'll talk about it later but by then his kidneys will have  
exploded all over your precious carpet. That's if he's not  
sitting on your couch or on your bed when it finally happens.  
Which would you prefer? And keep in mind he's drunk a lot of  
water today after he finished off my bowl of chilli.  
FRASIER  
Can't you take him out without the leash?  
MARTIN (VO)  
And have him run out into traffic? He'll get run over.  
FRASIER  
(ENTHUSIASTIC) That's the general idea yes.  
MARTIN (VO)  
Frasier!  
FRASIER  
Oh fine, just find an alternative for now that doesn't involve  
phoning and pestering me at work and I'll buy the damn dog a new  
one on my way home. Are you happy now?  
MARTIN (VO)  
Yes, very and I know exactly what to use instead.  
FRASIER  
Good. Good-bye. FRASIER CUTS OFF THE LINE  
FRASIER (CONT'D)  
(SUDDENLY FRANTIC) Oh no. If you're still listening, don't you  
dare go anywhere near my ties! If I find one dog hair on any  
tie, I'll shave that little mongrel with the blades from the  
garbage disposal so that it never happens again.  
ROZ  
And you complain I bring my personal life to work with me.  
FRASIER  
Roz who do we have next? Preferably a screened call this time.  
ROZ  
We have Jack on line two who is having a problem with his mother  
in law.  
FRASIER  
Hello Jack I'm listening. DAPHNE ENTERS, STANDING BEHIND THE GLASS DIRECTLY BEHIND FRASIER AND STARTS TO WAVE FRANTICALLY TO GET ROZ'S ATTENTION  
JACK (VO)  
Well the problem is really with my wife but caused by my evil,  
manipulative, mind-controlling harpy of a mother in law. ROZ SUDDENLY SEES DAPHNE, WHO STARTS TO MAKE LARGE GESTURES AT ROZ TRYING TO CALL HER OUT OF THE BOOTH. ROZ JUST SITS THERE AND WATCHES HER NOT REALLY UNDERSTANDING WHAT'S GOING ON  
JACK (VO) CONT'D  
You see she was visiting our house last weekend just to make my  
life that little bit more miserable and my wife had to run to  
the grocery store so I stayed at home with her mother against my  
will. I was looking under the stairs for some sort of sharp  
stick or a net to keep her away from me when all of a sudden she  
started breathing funny, like she was sucking on a giant  
hairball before shutting her eyes and becoming sort of limp and  
thankfully lifeless. So naturally under the circumstances I  
assumed she was dead. DAPHNE CONTINUES TO WAVE HER ARMS AROUND AS ROZ LOOKS ON PUZZLED  
ROZ  
What the hell is that supposed to be? Other then one of the five  
signs of madness. I hate charades. A moose? A beaver? (SHOUTS  
AND POINTS AT DAPHNE) Some sort of monkey person?  
FRASIER  
Did you check her pulse?  
JACK (VO)  
What am I? A paramedic. I wasn't going to try to revive her.  
She'd gone some place very warm for all eternity to preside over  
the damned and who was I to argue with that? The point is she  
looked dead so I got out some Hefty bags and some duct tape and  
wrapped her up in them.  
FRASIER  
You didn't think to do something else, like oh I don't know,  
call an ambulance?  
ROZ  
(STILL GUESSING) You've been diving? You've developed a hunch? DURING THE FOLLOWING FRASIER SUDDENLY NOTICES THAT ROZ IS ALSO WAVING HER ARMS AROUND LIKE A CRAZY PERSON AND LOOKING OUT INTO THE CORRIDOR. HE QUICKLY SPINS AROUND TO SEE WHAT SHE IS DOING CAUSING DAPHNE TO DUCK DOWN AND HIDE. FRASIER LOOKS CONFUSED AT ROZ AFTER SEEING NO ONE IN THE CORRIDOR BEFORE TURNING AROUND AGAIN. DAPHNE THEN PEEKS THROUGH THE GLASS AND SEEING THAT FRASIER IS NO LONGER LOOKING RETURNS TO GESTURING AT ROZ  
JACK (VO)  
She was already dead what use would that have been? Unless they  
carry some really strong smelling salts and a Ouiji board around  
with them there wasn't much point. So once I'd put her in the  
bags and taped them up as tight as I could I took her into the  
yard and hid her behind a tree and told my wife she'd gone home  
on her broomstick.  
FRASIER  
(TO ROZ) For the love of God what are you doing? (COVERING) I  
mean what did you do that for?  
ROZ  
(STILL GUESSING) Two people. Two people are playing the fiddle?  
JACK (VO)  
Do you know how much trouble I'd have gotten into if I had told  
my wife I'd killed her mother? Being skinned alive and thrown in  
a bag of salt would have been more preferable. And she should be  
thankful anyway. I'm a taxidermist. I could have had her filled  
with sawdust and posing in an extremely uncompromising position  
within an hour.  
FRASIER  
Charming. But you didn't kill her. Did you? Tell me you didn't.  
JACK (VO)  
Oh believe me I've tried. Nothing on earth could kill that  
woman. She was indestructible. She could fall out of a window  
onto a bomb and she'd still be okay. No matter how many times I  
back the car over her she still just gets up, pops her hip back  
in, dusts herself down and attacks me with her purse. But I  
wasn't the only one. There was an ever-growing list of people  
who wanted to kill her.  
FRASIER  
I assume eventually the guilt you were feeling led to your  
tearful confession and hopefully some lengthy therapy? DAPHNE GETS OUT HER CELL PHONE AND STARTS TO POINT AT IT  
ROZ  
(CONFUSED) You want me to call somebody? DAPHNE SIGHS BEFORE DIALLING HER PHONE  
JACK (VO)  
Not exactly doc. As it turns out she wasn't dead. Just taking a  
nap. She managed to claw her way out of the bags and crawl up  
the path. She then collapsed with her face pressed up against  
the door and with the cat licking her ear. Now my wife has  
thrown me out and filed for divorce. You've got to tell her  
she's being unreasonable. It's not like I did it on purpose. It  
was an accident. SFX: ROZ'S CELL PHONE ROZ QUICKLY GETS HER PHONE OUT OF HER PURSE AND ANSWERS IT  
ROZ  
(ON PHONE) Hello?  
DAPHNE  
(SHOUTING ON PHONE) For God's sake I want you to come out here  
you silly sod! If I had flapped anymore I'd have taken off! DAPHNE AND ROZ BOTH HANG UP THEIR PHONES AS ROZ EXITS INTO THE CORRIDOR  
RESET TO: INT. KACL CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS DAPHNE STANDS A LITTLE FRUSTRATED OUTSIDE THE DOOR TO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH WITH HER HAND ON HER HEAD AS ROZ ENTERS  
ROZ  
I'm sorry. I thought you'd gone mad. I've never been any good at  
charades, not even as a child. Musical chairs were much more my  
style, probably because I was stronger and could kick the other  
kids out of my way to get to the last chair. I'm not completely  
convinced that my competitiveness didn't cause Billy Weisman to  
break his jaw and pelvis when I hurled him to the floor in the  
forth grade. But you snooze you loose. So anyway what's going  
on?  
DAPHNE  
Well apart from people thinking that I'm Bo jangles the loon, I  
need to talk to you about something but I don't want Dr. Crane  
to hear.  
ROZ  
Well he's busy. Once he gets started he won't stop until he's  
either used every French word in existence or he gets sick of  
hearing his own voice. Which doesn't happen very often. I'd say  
he's good for a couple of days at least. What is it? DAPHNE TAKES A VERY DEEP BREATH BEFORE SPEAKING  
DAPHNE  
I'm pregnant.  
ROZ  
(SHOCKED) What?  
DAPHNE  
You know knocked up, bun in the oven, eating for two, up the  
stick, preggers. Shall I continue?  
ROZ  
Yes Daphne I know what you mean. (OVERJOYED) Pregnant? Really?  
Oh my God! That's wonderful! THEY HUG  
ROZ (CONT'D)  
(SHOCKED BUT LAUGHING) Wow, way to go Niles! Dear God I never  
knew he had it in him. I always thought his swimmers would be  
much too fussy, pathetic and asthmatic to stand a chance. I've  
seen the way he runs like a constipated crab, I didn't think his  
boys would be able to do any better. Most would have died before  
they'd finished dusting down your egg with a handkerchief. SLOWLY NOTICING THAT DAPHNE DOESN'T LOOK AT ALL HAPPY  
ROZ (CONT'D)  
Ha! Oh my God this is great! (WORRIED) Isn't it?  
DAPHNE  
Actually I'm not sure.  
ROZ  
What do you mean you're not sure? FRASIER ENTERS LEANING OUT OF THE DOOR  
FRASIER  
What's going on out here?  
DAPHNE  
(PANICKING) I had to bring Roz this...(THINKS) handkerchief.  
Here you are. Sorry it's a bit dirty but I had to use it on the  
way here. It'll iron out flat after a while. DAPHNE TAKES IT OUT OF HER POCKET AND HANDS IT TO ROZ  
FRASIER  
Oh hello Daphne. Why this handkerchief in particular?  
ROZ  
I just like it. It's comforting. The dirtier the better.  
FRASIER  
(CONFUSED) Okay. Roz we do have a show to do you know.  
ROZ  
Then off you go and do it. (OFF FRASIER'S LOOK) What? You're the  
one who's always telling me you could do it on your own and that  
a blind monkey could do my job. Here's your chance to prove it  
or prove my theory by setting yourself on fire. FRASIER FROWNS BEFORE EXITING BACK INTO THE BOOTH. ROZ CHECKS TO SEE THAT HE'S GONE BEFORE SPEAKING.  
ROZ  
What do you mean you're not sure? What is there to be unsure  
about?  
DAPHNE  
I'm just not sure how Niles is going to react to all this? He  
has a panic attack if his socks aren't folded properly how is he  
going to cope with this? He nearly had a seizure last week when  
the dry cleaner lost one of his favourite pair.  
ROZ  
Oh my God, Niles has his socks dry-cleaned?  
DAPHNE  
He has everything dry-cleaned. If he could send his hair there  
he would. Anyway you saw what he was like with that bag of  
flour. How can that not frighten me? The baby will be set on  
fire, flushed down the toilet and impaled three times before its  
two days old and that's with supervision. And granted he did  
that to a bag of flour. Do you have any idea how much he'll  
panic when it's a real child or a bag of sugar?  
ROZ  
Wait a second you haven't told him you're pregnant?  
DAPHNE  
Erm...not yet. I just haven't found the right time.  
ROZ  
Well how long have you known?  
DAPHNE  
Two weeks.  
ROZ  
(SHOCKED) Two weeks?! You've had enough time to take out a full-  
page ad telling him in every national newspaper.  
DAPHNE  
I'm just frightened he's going to freak out. We'd discussed this  
and decided that it is something that we wanted in the future  
but I think he was expecting planning, decisions, several  
attempts and a wedding certificate before it happened. I can do  
without him swallowing his tongue when I tell him.  
ROZ  
Daphne, trust me he's going to thrilled. FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE BOOTH  
FRASIER  
Who's going to be thrilled?  
ROZ  
(MENACINGLY) The surgeon when he looks at his bank balance after  
he's repaired the damage to a certain area of your anatomy when  
I'm threw with you if you don't get back in there. And I'm  
talking a full replacement not just patching up the damage.  
Forget about ever having any more children. FRASIER HURRIEDLY EXITS BACK INTO THE BOOTH  
DAPHNE  
I just wish I could be sure. And it's not only Niles I'm worried  
about it's my family. For once I'd like to break a family  
tradition and be the only Moon to not be knocked up when I walk  
down the isle. My one cousin had a litter of children following  
her up the isle with one ready to pop at any moment. But that's  
nothing compared to my Aunt Abby. She was four months pregnant  
when she got married. At the reception she danced with both her  
ex husbands and her new husband and not one of them was the  
baby's father. It later turned out to be the Vicar who did the  
service. Randy old sod. I knew he'd stopped sweating for some  
reason. It's becoming a family tradition now like ending the day  
with the Police being called to a fight and at least one distant  
cousin being outed as a transvestite. If I can only keep it  
quiet until after the wedding...  
ROZ  
Wait, wait, wait you've got to tell him. (FORCEFULLY) Daphne,  
listen to me. You've got to tell him.  
DAPHNE  
Do you really think so?  
ROZ  
Of course I think so! You can't keep this a secret from him! The  
baby doesn't grow in a box that you can keep under your bed so  
he doesn't see it you know. Do you not think he's going to  
notice that you've put weight on and some strange creature seems  
to be kicking you from the inside?  
DAPHNE  
Well I'd hope he wouldn't.  
ROZ  
Then how about when the tiny person pops out of you and starts  
to run around and call you mommy?  
DAPHNE  
You give him way too much credit he's really not that observant  
about these things. He probably won't notice.  
ROZ  
Daphne! I think he'll notice this!  
DAPHNE  
Oh all right. I'm going to tell him. I am. I just need to make  
sure he'll be okay with it before I tell him.  
ROZ  
And how exactly are you going to do that? Give him a  
questionnaire to fill out? Use your psychic ability? Over dinner  
ask him what his reaction would be if you were pregnant and then  
yell surprise?  
DAPHNE  
Something a lot more subtle then that Roz. FRASIER ENTERS FROM THE BOOTH  
FRASIER  
Roz will you get back in here! I've got a man on the line  
growling at me and demanding to know where I live.  
ROZ  
I'm coming. FRASIER ENTERS BACK INTO THE BOOTH  
RESET TO: INT. KACL RADIO BOOTH - CONTINUOUS FRASIER ENTERS INTO THE BOTH AND SITS BACK DOWN AS KENNY ENTERS  
KENNY  
Hi Doc. Where's Roz? I need to talk to her.  
FRASIER  
She's outside discussing my surprise birthday party with Daphne.  
  
KENNY  
You're having a birthday party?  
FRASIER  
So it turns out. I didn't want a fuss after all it's just  
another day, but I've heard them talking about someone going to  
be thrilled and yelling surprise. I don't think you need to be  
Sherlock Holmes to work this one out. KENNY EXITS OUT OF THE BOOTH AND FRASIER PUTS HIS HEADPHONES BACK ON AS WE:  
  
FADE OUT   
(B) FADE IN: INT. NILES' BEDROOM - NIGHT - DAY/1  
  
(Niles, Daphne, Frasier (VO)) NILES SITS IN BED READING A MAGAZINE AND TRYING NOT TO NOTICE THAT DAPHNE IS PACING UP AND DOWN NERVOUSLY BY THE BATHROOM DOOR SFX: PHONE RINGING NILES PUTS DOWN HIS MAGAZINE AND ANSWERS THE PHONE  
NILES  
(ON PHONE BEFORE ALLOWING THE PERSON ON THE OTHER END TO SPEAK)  
Mrs. Woodson for the last time I don't need that file right now.  
Now take a Valium, get someone to strap you to your bed and for  
the love of God don't phone me again tonight or I won't be held  
responsible for my actions.  
FRASIER (VO)  
(THROUGH PHONE) Ah Niles, just the person I wanted to speak to.  
Where are you?  
NILES  
(ON PHONE) Well considering you called me at home it's pretty  
safe to guess that I might actually be at home.  
FRASIER (VO)  
(THROUGH PHONE) Oh of course. I didn't wake you did I?  
NILES  
(ON PHONE) No not with Mrs. Woodson phoning me nearly every  
twenty seconds, it's hard to even brush my teeth let alone go to  
sleep. I was just reading.  
FRASIER (VO)  
(THROUGH PHONE) Oh good. I wanted to ask you if you knew.  
NILES  
(ON PHONE) Knew what?  
FRASIER (VO)  
(THROUGH PHONE) Oh you know.  
NILES  
(ON PHONE) No I don't that's why I asked.  
FRASIER (VO)  
(THROUGH PHONE) Oh you know.  
NILES  
(ON PHONE) No I really don't.  
FRASIER (VO)  
(THROUGH PHONE) You really don't know anything?  
NILES  
(ON PHONE) About what?  
FRASIER (VO)  
(THROUGH PHONE) Oh you know.  
NILES  
(ON PHONE) No I don't.  
FRASIER (VO)  
(THROUGH PHONE) So you're in on it as well are you?  
NILES  
(ON PHONE) In on what?  
FRASIER (VO)  
(THROUGH PHONE) Oh you know.  
NILES  
(ON PHONE) No I don't. Hence the term I don't know.  
FRASIER (VO)  
(THROUGH PHONE) Fine. Have your little secrets Niles. I'll speak  
to you tomorrow. Bye.  
NILES  
(ON PHONE) Good-bye. NILES STARES AT THE PHONE CONFUSED BEFORE HANGING UP  
NILES (CONT'D)  
What was that all about? He's been to wine club without me  
again. The last time he did that he thought I was a member of  
the KGB trying to extract secrets from him.  
DAPHNE  
What did he want? NILES PICKS HIS MAGAZINE BACK UP AGAIN  
NILES  
I have no idea. I'm not too sure if he knows what he wanted  
either other then some strong sedatives and his phone taking off  
him.  
DAPHNE  
What are you reading?  
NILES  
A case study of a man with delusional schizophrenia and paranoid  
tendencies who made a house from several thousand pumpkins and a  
ball of yarn and lived in it for a year with his two dead cats  
and a matador outfit.  
DAPHNE  
That's nice bedtime reading. A lot less frightening and  
complicated then 'Goldilocks and the Three Bears' I'd imagine.  
How much have you read so far?  
NILES  
Not much. DAPHNE SITS DOWN IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM AND STARES AT NILES A BEAT  
DAPHNE  
How much now? NILES PUTS HIS MAGAZINE DOWN AGAIN  
NILES  
Daphne what's going on? Is something troubling you? DAPHNE STANDS AND STARTS TO PACE THE FLOOR AGAIN  
DAPHNE  
No of course not. Well apart from global warming, famine in the  
third world and tiny seals being hit on the head with big sticks  
but other then that nothing that I can think of off hand.  
NILES  
Okay. Is anything bothering you that I can do something about  
right now because I can't help but notice that you're pacing the  
floor like you're awaiting the gas chamber?  
DAPHNE  
Now that's romantic doctor. Nothing says come to bed darling  
quite like telling me I look like I'm about to choke to death on  
toxins for committing murder. I'm fine, honestly.  
NILES  
(UNSURE) Well as long as you're sure. A BEAT NILES PICKS HIS MAGAZINE BACK UP AND CONTINUES READING BUT KEEPING ONE EYE ON DAPHNE AT ALL TIMES A BEAT  
DAPHNE  
Have you nearly finished now? NILES PUTS HIS MAGAZINE BACK DOWN AGAIN  
NILES  
Okay what's going on?  
DAPHNE  
Nothing. Honestly. Read your magazine.  
NILES  
Okay then. NILES RELUCTANTLY STARTS TO READ AGAIN AS DAPHNE CONTINUES TO PACE THE FLOOR. SHE THEN STARTS TO SWING HER ARMS AS SHE GOES, BEFORE STOPPING AND LOOKING AT HER HANDS  
DAPHNE  
Who was it that decided that this was your left hand and this  
was your right hand I wonder?  
NILES  
I have no idea.  
DAPHNE  
Do you think it would have made a difference to society as we  
know it if it were the other way around? NILES STOPS READING  
NILES  
You mean having them this way around could be the soul cause of  
crime and poverty in the world?  
DAPHNE  
Exactly. But then again as me mother used to say when she'd had  
a bottle of scotch or two, if 'if's and and's were pots and pans  
your mother would be your father.' She's a wise woman.  
NILES  
(CONFUSED) Erm...okay. NILES STARTS READING AGAIN BUT STILL KEEPS AN EYE ON DAPHNE AS SHE PICKS UP THE TELEVISION REMOTE AND SITS ON THE END OF THE BED. SHE THEN STARTS TO FLICK THROUGH THE TELEVISION CHANNELS AT SUCH A HIGH SPEED THAT IT CAUSES THE ROOM TO FLICKER  
DAPHNE  
This isn't bothering you is it?  
NILES  
Only if I were epileptic. DAPHNE TURNS THE TELEVISION OFF, STANDS AND EXITS SFX: VACUUM CLEANER DAPHNE ENTERS HOOVERING THE CARPET. NILES LOOKS UP FROM HIS MAGAZINE REALLY CONCERNED  
NILES (CONT'D)  
What are you doing now?  
DAPHNE  
It is a little late isn't it? DAPHNE SWITCHES OFF THE HOOVER AND EXITS AS NILES STILL STARES AFTER HER WORRIEDLY. DAPHNE THEN RE-ENTERS CARRYING A BUCKET FULL OF CLEANING PRODUCTS AND A PAIR OF RUBBER GLOVES  
NILES  
(TRYING TO JOKE) Rubber gloves, a bucket and a bottle of bleach?  
Well it is a little unusual but I'm game to try new things.  
Should I put my magazine down, turn out the light and close my  
eyes?  
DAPHNE  
Cheeky. I really think this bathroom could do with a good  
cleaning. I can see things breading on the tiles. You go in  
there bare foot and they gnaw on your ankles.  
NILES  
Well that is a little concerning but do you have to do it at  
eleven o'clock at night?  
DAPHNE  
There's no time like the present. DAPHNE TAKES A CLOTH OUT OF THE BUCKET AND STARTS TO DUST DOWN NILES' MAGAZINE  
DAPHNE (CONT'D)  
Let me just give that a quick dust for you.  
NILES  
Daphne before you get the mop and my utensil shammy out are you  
sure you don't want to talk about anything? Anything at all?  
Your sudden obsession for cleaning late at night maybe?  
DAPHNE  
No nothing. FINALLY BELIEVING HER NILES STARTS TO READ HIS MAGAZINE AGAIN  
DAPHNE (CONT'D)  
You know Niles... NILES DROPS HIS MAGAZINE ON THE FLOOR  
NILES  
You know what how about I just throw the magazine out? There  
it's gone. You now have my full-undivided attention. What's  
bothering you? Please tell me.  
DAPHNE  
Well you see it's...nothing. Nothing at all. I'm just tired.  
NILES  
And yet you're still trying to disinfect the bathroom. Why don't  
you come and lie down and I'll switch the light off so you can  
get some sleep. NILES PULLS THE COVERS BACK SO DAPHNE CAN GET INTO BED AND WAVES FOR HER TO COME OVER. DAPHNE PUTS THE BUCKET DOWN, TURNS OFF THE BATHROOM LIGHT AND GETS INTO BED. NILES TURNS THE LAMP OFF BEFORE CUDDLING DAPHNE  
NILES (CONT'D)  
Is that better?  
DAPHNE  
Oops wait a second. DAPHNE SUDDENLY REALISES THAT SHE STILL HAS HER RUBBER GLOVES ON AND TRIES TO PULL THEM OFF. THE FIRST ONE COMES OFF FINE BUT THE OTHER ONE GETS STUCK. SHE PULLS IT HARD AND WHEN IT EVENTUALLY COMES OFF IT HITS NILES IN THE FACE.  
DAPHNE (CONT'D)  
Oh sorry sweetheart. DAPHNE THROWS THE GLOVES ACROSS THE ROOM BEFORE SHE TURNS TO FACE NILES  
DAPHNE (CONT'D)  
That's better. SHE KISSES HIM  
DAPHNE (CONT'D)  
Much. SHE KISSES HIM AGAIN  
DAPHNE (CONT'D)  
Thank you.  
NILES  
You're welcome. NILES GOES TO KISS HER BACK BUT SHE SPEAKS BEFORE HE CAN  
DAPHNE  
Actually you know I think I would like to talk. That's if you  
don't mind talking. DAPHNE SITS UP  
NILES  
Not at all. NILES SITS UP AS WELL  
DAPHNE  
Well it's...no forget it. DAPHNE LIES BACK DOWN AGAIN  
NILES  
Okay. NILES GOES TO LIE DOWN AGAIN BUT DAPHNE SITS UP BEFORE HE CAN SO HE SITS BACK UP  
DAPHNE  
No, no I have to say it. I wouldn't have thought this was going  
to be so hard to say. Erm...I just. Niles. You see Niles it's  
like this...I think you need to floss more. DAPHNE LIES BACK DOWN AS NILES JUST SITS LOOKING MORE CONFUSED AS WE:  
FADE OUT   
(C) TITLE CARD: "AUTOMATED TODDLER MAKER" FADE IN: INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA - MORNING - DAY/2  
  
(Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Roz) ROZ AND DAPHNE SIT AT THE BACK OF NERVOSA IN MID CONVERSATION NOT REALLY PAYING ATTENTION TO ANYTHING ELSE THAT IS GOING ON IN THE ROOM. NILES STANDS BY THE COUNTER, NOT HAVING NOTICED DAPHNE AND ROZ, STARING RATHER CONCERNED AT A PHOTO AS FRASIER ENTERS  
FRASIER  
(RE: PHOTO) What's that?  
NILES  
It's a photo of Mrs. Woodson. Smiling at the camera in a rather  
bizarre and frightening manner. If I didn't know any better I'd  
swear she looks like she's got wind or having a mild stroke.  
FRASIER  
You have a photo of your secretary?  
NILES  
It appears that way yes.  
FRASIER  
For any particular reason? Or will I sleep better tonight not  
knowing.  
NILES  
I have absolutely no idea. I just found it in my jacket pocket.  
She must have slipped it in there while I was in a session.  
FRASIER  
Your secretary is sneaking photos of herself into your jacket  
pocket without your knowing?  
NILES  
So it seems. Do you think I should worry about this?  
FRASIER  
Well she's not dressed only in a penoir and a smile with a heart  
shaped 'I love Dr. Crane' tattoo on her shoulder so I wouldn't  
worry just yet. When she starts to send you dead animals through  
the mail, then I'd worry.  
NILES  
Oh she'd never do that; she's not a fan of your show. She has  
been rather more affectionate towards me since her husband died  
in that water skiing accident. Those phone calls last night were  
just the icing on the cake.  
FRASIER  
How so?  
NILES  
Oh nothing out of the ordinary. She calls me sweetie, bakes me  
cakes, writes me poetry, keeps trying to comb my hair and file  
my nails during her lunch break. Nothing unusual.  
FRASIER  
Your secretary is trying to comb your hair and file your nails?  
I think the less said about that the better.  
NILES  
You've made me worry now about what she'll do next. I don't want  
to find her naked and pouting on my couch when I walk into my  
office one day.  
FRASIER  
And I didn't want that image.  
NILES  
Do you have any idea how long it would take me to clean it? It  
will be quicker and easier to just set fire to it. Although that  
may upset her. I don't want to do anything that may result in  
violence or her using that nail file on anything else. Well what  
do I do now?  
FRASIER  
Just don't tell me about it. That's a good start. AS NILES AND FRASIER CONTINUE TO CHAT WE FOCUS IN ON ROZ AND DAPHNE. DAPHNE STILL LOOKS REALLY NERVOUS. ROZ HOLDS A FOLDER FULL OF PAPER WORK FROM THE BANK  
DAPHNE  
I panicked and made some remark about his teeth that I think he  
took a little to heart. He's refusing to smile and show his  
teeth, spent twenty minutes brushing them this morning and made  
an emergency dental appointment as a result.  
ROZ  
Well it's a good thing you said that and nothing else or he  
could be making appointments for cosmetic surgery in all sorts  
of unusual places. Okay so it's time to go to plan B. Phone him  
and tell him to meet you here. He'll think it's a nooner and  
come running and then when he wants to know why you're not  
drinking coffee that's an easy way into it.  
DAPHNE  
Couldn't I just have the nooner and forget the conversation?  
ROZ  
For the last time, no!  
DAPHNE  
(RE: FOLDER) What's that you're holding?  
ROZ  
Stop trying to change the subject.  
DAPHNE  
I'm not. If I wanted to change the subject I would have said,  
"Oh look a rabbit just walked in carrying a hand grenade."  
ROZ  
I wanted to open a bank account for Alice for her birthday as  
like a college fund but they gave me nothing but hassle at the  
bank and all this paperwork. All I want to do is give them some  
money. It's a good thing hookers don't have the same amount of  
paperwork to go along with every transaction otherwise that  
would be a dying trade. So when are you going to tell him?  
DAPHNE  
(TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT) Oh look a rabbit just walked in  
carrying a hand grenade. ROZ SIGHS BEFORE TURNING AND FINALLY SEEING NILES  
ROZ  
He just walked in.  
DAPHNE  
Oh my God really? A rabbit?  
ROZ  
No Niles.  
DAPHNE  
(PANICKING) Where?  
ROZ  
Over there by the counter talking to Frasier. Here's your  
chance. Go and tell him while I have a front row seat.  
DAPHNE  
I can't tell him in Nervosa. What would I even say? "Hi honey  
guess what. I've got a bun in the oven. Can I order you a  
latte?" What if he becomes hysterical and hyperventilates?  
Adding an espresso to the mixture is not going to help him calm  
down.  
ROZ  
Why would he become hysterical? This is not unexpected. Now in  
my case with Rick it was a little unexpected. But you're  
marrying Niles in a couple of weeks. Now with the exception of  
assuming that his sperm would be as useless as he is, there is  
no real surprise here. I mean the two of you can't have that  
much to talk about so you're obviously only doing one thing  
during your free time together. And that's given me an image I  
really didn't want.  
DAPHNE  
It's not exactly the most romantic place on earth to tell him  
something like this. It'd be like telling him in the toilet.  
ROZ  
Hey romance is what's got you stressing about this in the first  
place.  
DAPHNE  
So I should just waltz up to him and blurt it out in front of  
everyone?  
ROZ  
Yeah but let's leave the dancing out of it.  
DAPHNE  
But what if he freaks out?  
ROZ  
For the last time he's not going to do that. Now unless he was  
either in a deep sleep or hit on the head and unconscious at the  
time you didn't do this on your own. Remember it takes two to  
tango.  
DAPHNE  
I thought we were going to leave dancing out of it. AS THEY CONTINUE TO CHAT WE FOCUS BACK IN ON FRASIER AND NILES. AS FRASIER WAITS FOR HIS COFFEE HE FLICKS THROUGH AND MARKS THE PAGES OF A MAIL ORDER CATALOGUE WITH A RED PEN  
NILES  
Is that the new Bidwell's catalogue?  
FRASIER  
(HINTING) Well it is someone's birthday just around the corner.  
NILES  
Really? Whose?  
FRASIER  
Mine Niles. I took the liberty to ring a few items that I'd like  
to avoid any ceramic clown catastrophes this year.  
NILES  
A few? It's easier to list what you haven't ringed.  
FRASIER  
Well you never can tell how many people will be interested. NILES LOOKS UP FROM THE CATALOGUE AND FINALLY SEES DAPHNE  
NILES  
Oh there's Daphne. NILES MAKES HIS WAY OVER TO HER  
FRASIER  
I'll join you when I've got my coffee. WE FOCUS BACK IN ON ROZ AND DAPHNE  
ROZ  
Daphne you can't keep putting this off. You've got to tell him.  
This is not confessing to some sort of incredibly infectious  
disease that will cause him to loose his vision and walk with a  
limp for the rest of his life. (QUICKLY) Don't ask me how I know  
that. This is so much better it's a baby. NILES APPROACHES THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN. WHEN HE TALKS HE DOES SO WITH HIS MOUTH PRETTY MUCH CLOSED SO THAT NO ONE CAN SEE HIS TEETH  
NILES  
What's a baby? ROZ IMMEDIATELY STANDS TO LEAVE AS AN EXPRESSION OF PANIC COMES ACROSS DAPHNE'S FACE  
ROZ  
Oh you know what? I really need the bathroom quite urgently. I  
shouldn't have had that second cup of coffee.  
NILES  
Thank you so much for sharing that with us Roz. We can always  
rely on you for witty, informative conversation.  
ROZ  
You're welcome, anytime. Oh and by the way bite me. ROZ EXITS TO THE BATHROOM  
NILES  
So what's a baby? DAPHNE KISSES NILES  
DAPHNE  
(TRYING TO DISTRACT HIM) It's so good to see you darling. I  
didn't expect to run into you today. I thought you had patients  
pretty much all day.  
NILES  
(STILL TRYING TO HIDE HIS TEETH) I had a cancellation.  
DAPHNE  
Will you stop talking like that? I said I was joking.  
NILES  
(TALKING NORMALLY) So what's this about a baby?  
DAPHNE  
Oh God, I didn't want to tell you here. This is going to come as  
a shock. It was certainly a shock to me. You see it's like  
this...(SUDDENLY) Roz is pregnant.  
NILES  
(SHOCKED) You're kidding?  
DAPHNE  
Oh if only I were. She's just found out. Oh but you know what  
she doesn't want Frasier to find out yet because she doesn't  
think he'll approve so this is just between us for now.  
NILES  
Please tell me he's not the father.  
DAPHNE  
No he's not. (THINKS) At least I hope he isn't but I guess it  
isn't out of the realms of possibility. He might have needed the  
money at some point especially when he was in college. Did they  
do it back then?  
NILES  
What are you talking about?  
DAPHNE  
You see she doesn't know who the father is.  
NILES  
Note the complete lack of gasps from this side of the room. DAPHNE SLAPS NILES' ARM  
DAPHNE  
I didn't mean it like that. She went to a sperm bank. ROZ ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM AND SLOWLY APPROACHES THE TABLE  
NILES  
Oh my God! I don't believe it.  
ROZ  
Is this a bad moment? Should I come back? NILES STANDS AND PULLS OUT ROZ'S CHAIR FOR HER  
NILES  
No please Roz sit down and relax. Daphne's just been telling me  
what's been going on with you and the well...bank shall we say?  
How long have you been planning this?  
ROZ  
I didn't plan it. Alice asked for a kitten but I didn't think  
she was old enough so I used the money on this instead. In the  
long run she'll thank me and plus this won't need constant  
supervision unlike a cat. So I was just walking past the bank  
and thought it would be a good idea at the time. It's like the  
first and only time I got a perm. I didn't think that through  
properly first either and I spent the next few weeks looking  
like I'd stuck a fork in the toaster. DAPHNE BEGINS TO CRINGE AND HIDE HER FACE  
NILES  
You didn't think about it at all before hand? This is one of the  
biggest decisions you will ever make in your life.  
ROZ  
Well I went to get a coffee while I waited for the line at the  
counter to get shorter. But I tell you it's been one gigantic  
pain in the ass. The manager has given me so much paperwork to  
do. You used to just sign a piece of paper and it was done. I  
did ask one of the clerks if he'd help me do it as a quickie but  
he didn't have the necessary equipment. Boy things have  
certainly changed.  
NILES  
You've tried to do this before?  
ROZ  
No I haven't but I remember my mother doing it. In fact she did  
it for a few of the neighbours as well that didn't have the time  
to go through the whole messy and time consuming procedure.  
Didn't your parents ever do it?  
NILES  
(OFFENDED) They most certainly did not! (THEN) Your mother  
really did it?  
ROZ  
She's that kind of lady.  
NILES  
That's certainly amazing if that's the appropriate word.  
ROZ  
But now I wish I hadn't wasted my time. They gave me so much  
hassle down there because I only wanted to give them ten dollars  
to start with.  
NILES  
You get to choose the amount?  
ROZ  
Of course and what's the point of giving them a hundred dollars  
to start with when ten does the trick to start me off.  
NILES  
It's really that simple to get it from them? There aren't  
medical checks? A waiting period? Psychological testing?  
ROZ  
Of course not. This isn't rocket science. Have you never heard  
of an ATM machine Niles?  
NILES  
You can get it through an ATM machine? Isn't that a little  
unhygienic?  
ROZ  
Oh my God you are such a clean freak. Everybody does it  
nowadays. In fact it's almost expected.  
NILES  
Really? I never thought about...really? Excuse me I think I need  
a stronger coffee. I'll be back. NILES MOVES BACK TO THE COUNTER RATHER DAZED AND CONFUSED  
DAPHNE  
I'm going to be having therapy over this conversation for the  
rest of my natural life.  
ROZ  
What's the matter? Why didn't you tell him?  
DAPHNE  
I was about to but then something just kind of happened and I  
may have told him you were pregnant instead. Are you mad?  
ROZ  
You did what?!  
DAPHNE  
I'm sorry I panicked. All I could think about was what if he  
doesn't want it. I'm just glad I said your name and Dr. Crane's  
name didn't slip out instead. That would have been harder to  
explain myself out of.  
ROZ  
What do you mean something just happened? What just happened?  
Did you just go insane?  
DAPHNE  
I'm sorry. I'll cook him dinner and tell him tonight and get  
everything straightened out. I promise. WE FOCUS BACK IN ON FRASIER AND NILES. FRASIER NOW HAS HIS COFFEE BUT IS STILL TOO ENGROSSED IN HIS CATALOGUE TO HAVE MOVED FROM THE COUNTER  
NILES  
Frasier you've never been to a sperm bank have you?  
FRASIER  
If you're looking for things to get me for my birthday Niles as  
much as I like day trips and trying new things, that is  
definitely not one of them.  
NILES  
I was just checking.  
FRASIER  
Checking what? How easily I scare? What were you three talking  
about over there?  
NILES  
Oh erm...nothing. Nothing important. Can you order me a latte  
please? I'll be right back. NILES EXITS TOWARDS THE BATHROOM  
FRASIER  
Nothing important my eye. It's time for my to practice my  
surprised face. AS FRASIER SMILES TO HIMSELF AND GETS THE WAITERS ATTENTION, WE:  
FADE OUT   
(D) FADE IN: INT. KACL CORRIDOR - AFTERNOON - DAY/2  
  
(Frasier, Roz, Niles) ROZ IS STANDING NEXT TO THE VENDING MACHINE COUNTING OUT SOME CHANGE BEFORE PUTTING IT IN THE MACHINE AS FRASIER LURKS BEHIND HER  
FRASIER  
So Roz have you got any plans for the next few days?  
ROZ  
For the hundredth time I am not going to be a waitress for you  
at that stupid wine tasting ever again. Last time not only did  
they keep missing the bucket and spat on my brand new two  
hundred dollar a pair shoes, but I was also groped more times  
then a melon in a grocery store.  
FRASIER  
Normally you love that.  
ROZ  
Normally they're not all old men with unusual shaped mole's on  
their faces and toupees that look like something they pulled out  
of a swimming pool drain that they keep trying to throw down my  
blouse so they could put their cold hands down there and get it  
back.  
FRASIER  
Point taken. The drunker they get the more lecherous they do  
tend to get. Hell after two bottles of Beaujolais Neuvo they  
even hit on me. If Senator Miller ever makes it to President, I  
may have what's known as a bargaining chip. That's not what I  
wanted to know for anyway. I was just curious, you know as a  
friend.  
ROZ  
Well just as a curious friend I'm going out with Greg the tax  
accountant tomorrow night. I just hope he doesn't bring his cat  
along this time. It's a little hard to get into a romantic mood  
when something small and fury is meowing and licking your ear.  
Although last time it was pretty dark. Maybe that was Greg.  
Hummm...  
FRASIER  
Okay and moving swiftly on before I'm traumatised for life. Have  
you got any other plans apart from that? Are you going out with  
anyone else?  
ROZ  
I did get a call from Paul who wanted to see me again.  
FRASIER  
Isn't he the one that liked to you know?  
ROZ  
Oh yeah.  
FRASIER  
But you never used to.  
ROZ  
Oh yes I did.  
FRASIER  
(DISGUSTED) Oh dear God why?  
ROZ  
Because it was fun.  
FRASIER  
I don't even want to imagine the logistics of that. But if you  
throw out a hip again don't come crying to me to pop it back in  
place. Let me rephrase my original question do you have any  
plans for the future where you won't be naked?  
ROZ  
Of course I do.  
FRASIER  
Any that involves large groups?  
ROZ  
Large groups of naked people? Who do you think I am?  
FRASIER  
No large groups of fully clothed people. At your age I doubt you  
still have the large naked group potential pulling power.  
ROZ  
What does that mean 'at my age'? You don't think I can still get  
a large group of people naked? I'll bet you fifty bucks I can.  
Just because you have trouble getting one person naked.  
FRASIER  
I forget, which of us is in the steady relationship?  
ROZ  
I bet you, any group of people, anywhere, I can get them all  
naked within an hour.  
FRASIER  
That's fine Roz but can you just avoid doing it at the station  
Christmas party. Gill's wife is likely to be there and I really  
don't need that image. It's bad enough seeing her in a summer  
dress when she hasn't been to the electrolysis's in a while. Now  
do you have any plans to spend time in the near future with a  
large group of fully clothed people?  
ROZ  
You mean like at church?  
FRASIER  
I was thinking more along the line of a party.  
ROZ  
Not that I'm aware of.  
FRASIER  
Or none that you'll admit to. You don't fool me Roz Doyle.  
ROZ  
Have you been drinking?  
FRASIER  
I'm on to you.  
ROZ  
(CONFUSED) Are you? That's nice. Maybe it's time you went for a  
little lie down and was strapped to the bed with an electric  
current. NILES ENTERS FROM AROUND THE CORNER  
NILES  
Have you started your show yet?  
FRASIER  
Yes Niles I so often do it standing in a corridor.  
NILES  
Well I'm sure more people will be helped this way. Roz can I  
speak with you for a moment please?  
ROZ  
Sure.  
FRASIER  
(TO BOTH OF THEM) I'm on to you. NILES AND ROZ BOTH STARE AT FRASIER CONFUSED BEFORE EXITING INTO THE BOOTH  
RESET TO: INT. KACL RADIO BOOTH - CONTINUOUS NILES AND ROZ ENTER AND GO IMMEDIATELY TO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH AND SHUT THE DOOR SO AS NOT TO BE HEARD  
ROZ  
Is everything okay with Frasier? He keeps telling me I don't  
fool him and that he's on to me. I feel like he's my mother and  
he's found a pair of men's underwear stuffed down the back of  
the couch.  
NILES  
(THINKS) He must know about the baby.  
ROZ  
(OVERJOYED) You mean you know about the baby?  
NILES  
You know I know. You were there when Daphne told me.  
ROZ  
(REALISING) Oh you mean my baby don't you?  
NILES  
Of course. Why who else is expecting?  
ROZ  
No one at all. Just me.  
NILES  
Listen Daphne is cooking dinner around at my place tonight and  
it suddenly occurred to me, it would be an ideal time for you to  
tell Frasier about your new addition shall we say. FRASIER ENTERS AND SITS IN HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH TRYING TO LISTEN  
ROZ  
Oh Niles I really don't think that's a good idea.  
NILES  
Why not? He has to know eventually and he's only going to be mad  
and sulk that you kept it from him for this long. Think of it  
this way it can also be a little celebratory dinner as well.  
ROZ  
I don't think so Niles, but thanks anyway.  
NILES  
Then tell him now.  
ROZ  
(IMMEDIATELY) So dinner it is. NILES OPENS THE CONNECTING DOOR  
NILES  
Frasier are you free for dinner tonight?  
FRASIER  
(ACTING SURPRISED) What's that? Dinner you say? Tonight?  
NILES  
Yes around at my place.  
FRASIER  
For any particular reason that I should know of?  
NILES  
Erm...not really. But you never know what might happen during  
the course of the evening that will give rise to celebration.  
FRASIER  
Oh really? Well then yes I'd love to. I'm not one to spoil a  
party. (UNDER HIS BREATH) Not even my own.  
NILES  
Great. I'll see you later. NILES EXITS OUT OF THE BOOTH  
FRASIER  
Never know what might happen. How naive do they think I am?  
ROZ  
(INDICATING THE ON AIR LIGHT) You're on.  
FRASIER  
I know I am. I told you, I'm on to you.  
ROZ  
No I mean you're on right now.  
FRASIER  
Oh right. Good afternoon Seattle. AS FRASIER PUTS HIS HEADPHONES ON WE:  
FADE OUT  
  
END OF ACT ONE  
  
  
  
ACT TWO  
  
  
(E) TITLE CARD: "THE MOST OBVIOUS ANSWER WOULD BE CLINTON" FADE IN: INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM - EVENING - DAY/2  
  
(Daphne, Roz, Martin, Frasier, Niles, Steve) DAPHNE AND ROZ ARE BUSY SETTING THE DINNING TABLE FOR DINNER. DAPHNE LOOKS STILL INCREDIBLY NERVOUS AND STRAIGHTENS EVERYTHING AT LEAST A HUNDRED TIMES. ROZ HAS A GLASS OF WINE IN HER HAND  
DAPHNE  
I think I need more wine. The drunker I get him the better he'll  
take it. It's like the time we had to tell Dad the pub had burnt  
down during the World Cup. We got him so drunk he just shrugged  
his shoulders and had another beer before passing out, falling  
and crushing the cat to death. But on the downside he did loose  
fifty percent of his field of vision in his left eye.  
ROZ  
A dead cat is not a downside? Listen Daphne he's going to take  
it fine anyway. But remember if you get him drunk he's likely  
not to remember and then you'll have to tell him twice. And I  
don't think I can go through this twice.  
DAPHNE  
You know you've got a point there. And the next morning Dad  
hadn't remembered and went down the pub. We found him two days  
later still lying in the ashes sobbing and hugging a surviving  
beer barrel.  
ROZ  
And I also have another point to make. Now I don't want you to  
panic but Frasier is coming tonight.  
DAPHNE  
What for?  
ROZ  
Niles came to the station this afternoon. He thinks tonight  
would be a good time for me to tell Frasier that I'm pregnant. I  
couldn't talk him out of it.  
DAPHNE  
So are you going to tell him tonight?  
ROZ  
I'm not too sure. It's such a big thing. But I was thinking it  
over in the car and what I think is that... what I am talking  
about? I'm not even pregnant. You have got to tell Niles the  
truth and end this charade before we have to hide your bump and  
push a pillow up my sweater to create my own. I'll get rid of  
Frasier and you just tell Niles as planned, agreed?  
DAPHNE  
Agreed. SFX: DOORBELL  
ROZ  
Okay here we go. DAPHNE CROSSES TO ANSWER THE DOOR AND MARTIN ENTERS  
DAPHNE  
Mr. Crane! What are you doing here?  
MARTIN  
Frasier called me and told me not to be late for dinner. He kept  
talking about a surprise. He's probably decided to commit  
himself. It was only a matter of time. I didn't even know we  
were eating here tonight.  
DAPHNE  
Ah well you see there's a small problem there. (LOOKING TO ROZ  
FOR HELP) You see we were going to have dinner here tonight  
but...we...don't have enough food suddenly.  
MARTIN  
Suddenly? Did it get up and walk out of the apartment?  
ROZ  
No we think someone must have broken into the apartment and  
eaten some of it. There's been a similar crime spree in Tacoma  
over the last couple of weeks. They ignore the VCR's but take  
the crab puffs.  
MARTIN  
Really? Have you called the Police? Who would do something like  
that?  
DAPHNE  
At a guess someone very hungry but what little food is left has  
teeth marks all over it so we can't eat it.  
MARTIN  
Let me see.  
ROZ  
Oh it's really not that interesting. Once you've seen one set of  
teeth marks you've seen them all. Right Daphne? MARTIN WALKS OVER TO THE TABLE AND LOOKS AT A PLATE OF HOR'S D'OVERS  
MARTIN  
I don't see any teeth marks.  
DAPHNE  
Right there. DAPHNE POINTS TO A CRAB PUFF  
MARTIN  
I can't see anything. DAPHNE PICKS UP A CRAB PUFF FROM OFF ANOTHER PLATE, TURNS AWAY FROM MARTIN AND BITES A CHUNK FROM IT  
ROZ  
Is that some there? Oh no it's just the way the pastry's folded.  
Well that's a relief we have at least one crab puff to share  
between five. DAPHNE SHOWS THE CRAB PUFF TO MARTIN. DESPITE TALKING SHE IS STILL ACTUALLY CHEWING WHICH MARTIN DOESN'T NOTICE  
DAPHNE  
Here's some. I can't understand why someone would do such a  
thing. So sorry about that, off you go and I'll see you at home.  
  
DAPHNE TRIES TO USHER MARTIN TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR  
MARTIN  
Don't worry about it we can order in. MARTIN SITS DOWN AS ROZ AND DAPHNE SHARE A FRUSTRATED LOOK  
RESET TO: INT. MONTANA ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS FRASIER AND NILES STAND IN THE ELEVATOR GOING UP  
FRASIER  
Aren't you going to phone ahead and let Daphne know we are on  
our way up to the apartment?  
NILES  
What for?  
FRASIER  
Oh you know, just so that she's ready.  
NILES  
For what?  
FRASIER  
Nothing, nothing at all. NILES PUTS HIS HAND IN HIS POCKET TO GET HIS CELL PHONE BUT PRODUCES A PHOTO INSTEAD  
NILES  
I can call her if you like. Wait a second what's this? Oh my God  
it's another photo.  
FRASIER  
Of Mrs. Woodson? Or have you suddenly attracted your cleaning  
lady and the waitress from Nervosa as well now? NILES TRIES HARD NOT TO LOOK DIRECTLY AT THE PHOTO  
NILES  
This is not funny. I don't know if it's her or not I don't want  
to stare at it long enough to find out who it is.  
FRASIER  
Why? Oh dear God. I'm never going to be able to eat now. And I  
know I'll never be able to look her in the face again.  
NILES  
It's not her face I'm worried about. THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN AND FRASIER AND NILES EXIT  
RESET TO: INT. MONTANA CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS FRASIER AND NILES STEP OUT OF THE ELEVATOR BEFORE NILES GETS HIS KEYS OUT AND GOES TO OPEN THE DOOR  
FRASIER  
Wait just a moment please Niles. FRASIER CLOSES HIS EYES AND TAKES A DEEP BREATH  
FRASIER (CONT'D)  
Okay I'm ready now.  
NILES  
That's nice. I hadn't realised it was so traumatic walking into  
my apartment. You are aware that there isn't a tribe of pigmy's  
hiding out in my living room ready to blow darts at you aren't  
you? NILES OPENS THE DOOR AND BOTH HE AND FRASIER EXIT INSIDE  
RESET TO: INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS FRASIER AND NILES ENTER, FRASIER WITH A BEAMING SMILE ON HIS FACE. AS HE SLOWLY REALISES THAT THERE IS NO PARTY THE SMILE FADES. MARTIN IS THE ONLY OTHER PERSON IN THE ROOM, SITTING ON THE COUCH  
FRASIER  
Well were is everyone?  
MARTIN  
Who else were you expecting?  
FRASIER  
Oh no one in particular. FRASIER CONTINUES TO LOOK FOR ANYONE ELSE HIDING IN THE LIVING ROOM  
MARTIN  
(RE: THE PHOTO) What's that?  
NILES  
Trust me it's too horrific to see.  
MARTIN  
You forget I was in Korea. I worked vice. I can handle anything  
you can throw at me.  
NILES  
Fine. But don't say I didn't warn you. NILES SHOWS HIM THE PHOTO  
MARTIN  
You don't care if I ever sleep again do you? DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN  
DAPHNE  
Oh you're back. Well bad news I'm afraid, someone broke into the  
apartment and ate most of the food.  
NILES  
You're joking. Is anything else missing? Have you called the  
Police?  
ROZ  
Well it may not have been a person it may have been a mouse. NILES IMMEDIATELY JUMPS UP ON THE COUCH  
NILES  
(SHOUTS) I have mice in my apartment?! ROZ SHOWS FRASIER THE CRAB PUFF THAT DAPHNE TOOK THE BITE FROM  
FRASIER  
But those teeth marks are huge, that's not from a mouse. And I  
very much doubt you actually have a bear hiding in the walls.  
NILES  
Let me see. ROZ GOES TO HAND NILES THE CRAB PUFF  
NILES (CONT'D)  
I don't want to touch it. A mouse did this? A mouse wearing  
lipstick?  
ROZ  
Well I did that one. I was hungry.  
NILES  
But there could have been a disease-ridden rodent running all  
over that.  
ROZ  
Oh you know me I'm not that fussy.  
FRASIER  
Oh we all know that Roz. ROZ GLARES AT FRASIER  
ROZ  
That's not what I meant.  
MARTIN  
I told you we can just order in.  
NILES  
We can't stay here with a mouse on the loose. It could be  
watching us right now.  
FRASIER  
It won't be armed with a snipers rifle Niles. Just call an  
exterminator and then we can go out for dinner.  
ROZ  
Don't worry if it tries to leap out and maul you to death before  
then, we'll protect you. I'm sure the four of us might be able  
to summon up the strength to wrestle it off you.  
NILES  
I'm not getting down off here until I know it's gone.  
DAPHNE  
Do you know you've still got your shoes on? NILES JUMPS OFF THE COUCH BEFORE CHECKING TO SEE IF HE'S LEFT ANY FOOT PRINTS BEHIND  
DAPHNE (CONT'D)  
I won't let it get you don't worry.  
NILES  
My hero. Can I get anyone a...oh my God what is that?! Over  
there! Hit it!  
ROZ  
It's the phone cord Niles for God's sake.  
NILES  
Oh thank God I thought it was a tail.  
ROZ  
A tail that big?  
NILES  
Well apparently this mouse wears lipstick and has a passion for  
crab so it wasn't out of the realms of possibility. Can I get  
anyone a drink?  
ROZ  
I've already got one thanks.  
NILES  
Wait a second you're drinking wine? Roz can I have a word with  
you in the kitchen please? NILES EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN  
DAPHNE  
Oops. I forgot about that.  
ROZ  
You've got me into this mess. You come and bail me out. DAPHNE AND ROZ EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN  
RESET TO: INT. NILES' KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS NILES STANDS IN THE KITCHEN TAPPING HIS FOOT ON THE FLOOR AS DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER  
NILES  
Roz I really don't think you should be drinking alcohol. The  
poor thing is hardly going to stand much of a chance in life as  
it is what with your man crazed, irrationally violent genes  
without adding alcohol to the mix.  
ROZ  
I'll have you know this baby will have perfectly wonderful genes  
thank you very much.  
NILES  
I don't understand. Are you being a surrogate mother for someone  
else? You said this was your baby.  
ROZ  
I was talking about mine and the father's genes wise ass.  
NILES  
But Daphne said you got it from the sperm bank. How could you  
possibly know anything about the father?  
ROZ  
(SHOUTS) She did what?! ROZ TURNS TO DAPHNE AND GLARES AT HER  
DAPHNE  
I'm sorry I forgot you didn't want anyone to know about it.  
ROZ  
Even so, I know the baby's father was an incredibly intelligent  
and successful man. They have to mark their profession and  
physical appearance on the form.  
NILES  
And?  
ROZ  
Actually if you must know he was the President.  
NILES  
Of what?  
ROZ  
The United States. DAPHNE HIDES HER FACE  
DAPHNE  
Oh God, this just keeps getting better and better.  
NILES  
What are you talking about? There's no way the President of the  
United States would even go anywhere near a sperm bank.  
ROZ  
They go on trips all the time. I mean who really pays attention  
to what they get up to? And they're always getting free samples.  
  
NILES  
Yes Roz getting free samples, not giving free samples. For your  
information they don't donate spare lungs when opening hospitals  
either.  
ROZ  
Are you calling me a liar?  
NILES  
I'm calling you delusional. You really think you're having the  
President's baby?  
ROZ  
So it seems.  
NILES  
You're having President's Bush's baby?  
ROZ  
It didn't say which President.  
NILES  
Well I think it might be safe to rule out the likes of  
Washington and Lincoln. And you're telling me that to obtain a  
sample of the President's sperm you only need ten dollars?  
ROZ  
Well maybe the person who does the pricing was a Republican and  
the President was a Democrat. You have to think about these  
things.  
NILES  
I think I need a drink. I don't know what I've found more  
disturbing in the last five minutes. That fact that I have a  
naked picture of my secretary in my coat pocket, that you think  
you're having the current or former Presidents baby or that  
someone or something possibly a mouse has come into my kitchen  
and nibbled on the food. NILES EXITS INTO THE LIVING ROOM  
DAPHNE  
Well that went well.  
ROZ  
What are you talking about? What conversation were you listening  
to? You have got to tell him the truth now before I find out  
you've told him I'm having triplets after having been abducted  
by aliens. Why didn't you tell me I went to a sperm bank? MARTIN ENTERS CATCHING THE END OF THE LAST SENTENCE  
MARTIN  
Okay I don't think I really want to hear this. MARTIN EXITS BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM  
ROZ  
Oh great now Martin knows.  
DAPHNE  
I'll tell Niles as soon as everyone leaves. Now the sooner you  
help me get rid of them the sooner you can get rid of the  
President's baby.  
ROZ  
I'm sure I saw something similar on Days of Our Lives last week.  
  
RESET TO: INT. NILES' LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS NILES SITS AT THE TABLE TALKING ON THE PHONE AND LOOKING UNDER THE TABLE FOR MICE AS FRASIER PLACES A FEW CATALOGUES AROUND THE APARTMENT FOR EVERYONE TO SEE AS MARTIN WATCHES  
MARTIN  
Is there any reason why you've got all these catalogues spread  
about Niles' apartment? You have a seizure if I leave the sports  
section lying around on your couch.  
FRASIER  
They're here just in case anyone feels like doing a little  
shopping for something tasteful for a special occasion.  
MARTIN  
Like what?  
FRASIER  
Why does everyone keep asking that? It's my birthday at the end  
of the week. You do remember the time that Mom started breathing  
quite heavy and then I appeared very tiny and screaming right?  
Does this ring any bells with you?  
MARTIN  
Now you mention it, it does sound kind of familiar.  
FRASIER  
These are just suggestions for gifts that would be suitable to  
avoid any awkwardness and mess when anything ugly unfortunately  
gets broken this year.  
MARTIN  
This is all about those clowns isn't it?  
FRASIER  
They were hideous Dad. To start with their heads were three  
times too big for their bodies. They had no balance. They kept  
falling over and denting my woodwork. I have imprints of their  
faces all over my apartment.  
MARTIN  
You said you liked them.  
FRASIER  
I was in shock at the sight of them at the time. I might have  
also have said that I was a little yellow teakettle. I don't  
remember. The sight of them was impairing my vision and making  
me delusional. A similar thing must have happened to you when  
you bought them.  
MARTIN  
Do you have any idea how much they cost me?  
FRASIER  
You actually paid for them? I just assumed you were paid to take  
them away and burn them.  
MARTIN  
They looked a damn sight better then the well-hung wooden  
African crap scattered around the apartment. At least those  
clowns had personality.  
FRASIER  
Oh yes I'm sure that they're the life and soul of the party at  
which ever dumpster they're presently resting in.  
MARTIN  
Fine. I already know what I'm getting you this year. A red-hot  
poker where you least expect it. NILES HANGS UP THE PHONE AS DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN  
NILES  
I've called my super he's going to come up and take a look and  
see if I have a mouse problem. (RE: MAGAZINES) What are these?  
FRASIER  
Magazines.  
MARTIN  
It's his birthday soon.  
DAPHNE  
Trying to avoid another clown problem Dr. Crane?  
MARTIN  
They were pretty.  
DAPHNE  
Yeah pretty revolting. DAPHNE TURNS TO ROZ, SMILES AND GESTURES TOWARDS THE DOOR  
ROZ  
Well we should be leaving to get a table at a restaurant if  
there's no food and rodents.  
FRASIER  
I really don't see any need to leave yet. We can wait for the  
super to arrive and...  
ROZ  
Frasier can I have a word with you in the kitchen please? ROZ TAKES FRASIER'S HAND AND THEY BOTH EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN A BEAT FRASIER AND ROZ ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN, FRASIER LIMPING  
FRASIER  
And we're going. Niles we'll meet you at Au Pien Du Cochon. FRASIER RUSHES TO THE FRONT DOOR AND EXITS. ROZ STANDS BY MARTIN AND GLARES AT HIM  
ROZ  
Do I need to have a little chat with you too? MARTIN SPRINGS TO HIS FEET AS QUICKLY AS HE CAN AND MOVES TO THE DOOR  
MARTIN  
Hold the elevator. MARTIN EXITS AS ROZ TURNS TO NILES AND DAPHNE. NILES LOOKS A LITTLE CONFUSED BY EVERYTHING  
ROZ  
And we're leaving. We'll see you later.  
NILES  
No you don't, not without telling him first.  
ROZ  
I'll tell him in the elevator.  
NILES  
Fine just make sure you do.  
DAPHNE  
(FINALLY DECIDING TO TELL HIM) Okay. (REALISING) I mean okay  
Roz?  
ROZ  
Yes okay. Bye.  
DAPHNE  
Bye. ROZ GIVES DAPHNE A THUMBS UP BEFORE EXITING  
NILES  
Well this dinner party was a bust. Do you think she'll tell him  
tonight?  
DAPHNE  
I'm really not sure. She seems worried that he won't be  
supportive of her decision. What do you... SFX: DOORBELL  
NILES  
That must be the super. NILES MAKES HIS WAY TO THE FRONT DOOR  
DAPHNE  
Yes so you can unclench now before you pull a muscle and I have  
to spend all night massaging you. NILES STOPS DEAD IN HIS TRACKS BEFORE TURNING TO DAPHNE AND SMILING  
NILES  
I forget what point you were trying to make.  
DAPHNE  
Just answer the door you horny devil. NILES OPENS THE DOOR AND STEVE, THE SUPER, ENTERS  
STEVE  
You got a mouse problem Dr. Crane?  
NILES  
It looks that way yes. Look at those teeth marks. NILES SHOWS STEVE THE CRAB PUFF  
STEVE  
Oh my God. That's no regular mouse. I'm going to need a bigger  
bat to tackle this problem.  
NILES  
You were just going to hit it with a bat?  
STEVE  
What else do you expect me to do? Lead it out of the building by  
playing a flute? Serve it with an eviction notice? I'm not sure  
they can read Dr. Crane.  
NILES  
Then call an exterminator.  
STEVE  
Why couldn't you have just done that instead of dragging me all  
the way up here?  
NILES  
Oh yes because you were working so hard down there weren't you?  
STEVE  
Hey it's not easy making a comfortable ass groove on a wooden  
chair. That's hard work.  
NILES  
Charming. STEVE EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR  
DAPHNE  
Do you want something to eat?  
NILES  
We can't eat that now. I'm not even sure I want to sleep here.  
I'm afraid I'll wake up with a mouse curled up asleep in my ear.  
  
DAPHNE  
Not if you wear your earplugs. (THEN) So what do you think about  
Roz having a baby, you never did say?  
NILES  
Personally I think it's the most irresponsible thing she's ever  
done.  
DAPHNE  
What do you mean?  
NILES  
You can't just create a life on the spur of the moment just  
because you felt like it. These things take planning first. It's  
irresponsible and reckless to bring a baby into this world  
without it.  
DAPHNE  
Yeah.  
NILES  
I'm just going to change my jacket and then we can go to the  
restaurant. Okay? NILES STARTS TO EXIT UPSTAIRS  
DAPHNE  
Yeah.  
NILES  
Are you okay?  
DAPHNE  
(OBVIOUSLY LYING) I'm fine. AS NILES EXITS UP STAIRS AND DAPHNE SITS DOWN WE:  
FADE OUT   
(F) FADE IN: INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA - AFTERNOON - DAY/3  
  
(Roz, Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Niles) ROZ AND DAPHNE SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA. DAPHNE LOOKS EVEN MORE NERVOUS AND WORRIED THEN EVER  
ROZ  
So what happened this time? Keep in mind I have the option to  
sigh and shake my head at anytime.  
DAPHNE  
I put a feeler question out there to test the water and I didn't  
exactly get the answer I was hoping for. In fact if he'd have  
suddenly turned around and told me he was gay and was planning  
to marry me brother Billy, that would have been a better end to  
the day.  
ROZ  
It is Niles we're talking about, that still might happen. What  
did happen?  
DAPHNE  
I asked him what he thought about your baby...  
ROZ  
Oh and while this bout of lunacy continues can you start to say  
that a lot quieter? Word gets around in here and my date for  
Friday cancelled on me thinking I was going to trap him into  
being the father. How I'd do that I don't know. A bear trap I  
presume. Although the look in his eye when he broke it off with  
me told me he'd be prepared to bite through his own leg to get  
away from me so that wouldn't stop him.  
DAPHNE  
He said that it was irresponsible and reckless to bring a baby  
into this world without planning it first.  
ROZ  
Yeah but he was talking about the crazy story involving me, the  
President and the sperm bank not about you two having a baby.  
DAPHNE  
Maybe, it just set me back a little. What did you tell Dr.  
Crane?  
ROZ  
Nothing. I distracted him. I asked him if he'd been working out  
and he spent the rest of our time together trying to check out  
his own butt.  
DAPHNE  
I wondered what he was doing this morning. He'd got his neck  
twisted around so far I thought he was going to break it. It was  
getting to be like that scene for The Exorcist. MARTIN ENTERS UNNOTICED BY ROZ AND DAPHNE  
ROZ  
I just hope Niles doesn't catch me drinking coffee in here while  
he still thinks I'm pregnant. JOHN, A MAN IN HIS EARLY THIRTIES, SEES ROZ AND APPROACHES THE TABLE  
MARTIN  
(SHOUTS EXCITEDLY) You're pregnant? EVERYONE IN NERVOSA HEARS AND STARTS TO APPLAUD THE NEWS AS MARTIN SITS DOWN AND A SHOCKED LOOK APPEARS OVER JOHN'S FACE BEFORE HE EXITS  
ROZ  
No John come back! I'm not really! I still want to go out with  
you next week. And that's another one gone.  
MARTIN  
You're having a baby?  
DAPHNE  
(EXCITED) I know isn't it great?  
ROZ  
Daphne!  
DAPHNE  
Oh all right fine, but you've got to keep this quiet until I've  
had a chance to tell Niles.  
ROZ  
Had a chance? You've had enough chances to tell everyone in  
Seattle.  
MARTIN  
What is it?  
DAPHNE  
I'm pregnant.  
MARTIN  
(OVERJOYED) Oh Daphne that's wonderful news. I'm going to be a  
Grandpa again! I'm so happy for you. Come here. MARTIN AND DAPHNE HUG  
ROZ  
But Niles doesn't know yet.  
MARTIN  
Why doesn't Niles know?  
DAPHNE  
I'm a bit worried about how he'll react.  
MARTIN  
What are you talking about?  
DAPHNE  
We haven't planned this. He said last night that to do it  
without planning was reckless and irresponsible.  
ROZ  
But that was about me not about you.  
MARTIN  
You're both pregnant?  
ROZ  
No Niles just thinks I am. Will you tell her Niles won't freak  
and just to tell him?  
DAPHNE  
I know, I know all right. Tonight's the night. FRASIER AND NILES ENTER AND EVERYONE IMMEDIATELY BECOMES SILENT  
FRASIER  
Oh hello and what are you three talking about? DAPHNE, ROZ AND MARTIN ALL STARE AT EACH OTHER BEFORE ALL TALKING AT ONCE  
ROZ/DAPHNE/MARTIN  
Shopping/Grammy Moon's boil/Korea.  
NILES  
Well that's a conversation I'm glad I missed. AS FRASIER AND NILES GO TO GET SOME COFFEE WE:  
FADE OUT   
(G) FADE IN: INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS LOBBY - EVENING - DAY/3  
  
(Frasier, Keith, Deliveryman, Niles, Martin, Daphne, Roz) FRASIER STANDS IN THE LOBBY WAITING FOR THE ELEVATOR AS KEITH, THE DOORMAN SITS NEARBY  
FRASIER  
Hello Keith. Aren't you going to ring up stairs and let them  
know that I'm home?  
KEITH  
Erm...no. Why would I do that Dr. Crane?  
FRASIER  
It's okay Keith I know about the party. Not much gets by me.  
KEITH  
Oh you're having a party?  
FRASIER  
Very good Keith. Well I'll just go upstairs and act surprised. THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN AND FRASIER EXITS INSIDE. BEFORE THE DOOR CLOSES A DELIVERYMAN ENTERS CARRYING SOME BALLOONS AND EXITS INTO THE ELEVATOR BEFORE THE DOORS CLOSE  
RESET TO: INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS ELEVATOR - CONTINUOUS FRASIER STARES AT THE BALLOONS THAT THE DELIVERYMAN HOLDS THAT SAY 'HAPPY BIRTHDAY' AND THEN SMILES  
FRASIER (CONT'D)  
You're a little late aren't you young man? I think these should  
have been delivered by now.  
DELIVERYMAN  
I don't think so chief. AFTER A MOMENT THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN AND FRASIER AND THE DELIVERYMAN BOTH EXIT  
RESET TO: INT. 19TH FLOOR CORRIDOR - CONTINUOUS FRASIER AND THE DELIVERYMAN STEP OUT OF THE ELEVATOR. AS FRASIER GETS HIS KEYS OUT THE DELIVERYMAN GOES TO EXIT AROUND THE CORNER  
FRASIER  
It's this way.  
DELIVERYMAN  
Not for the apartment I want.  
FRASIER  
Oh I'm sorry. You see my family are throwing me a surprise  
birthday party and I thought they were for me. My mistake. THE DELIVERYMAN EXITS AROUND THE CORNER AS FRASIER COMPOSES HIMSELF  
FRASIER (CONT'D)  
Okay and I'm ready. FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND EXITS INSIDE  
RESET TO: INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS FRASIER ENTERS, AND ONCE AGAIN AFTER HAVING EXPECTED TO SEE A SURPRISE PARTY WAITING FOR HIM, HE'S RATHER SHOCKED TO SEE THAT THERE IS NO ONE WAITING FOR HIM AT ALL. HE LOOKS IN THE BATHROOM AND ONCE AGAIN IS SHOCKED TO SEE NO ONE. HE THEN PEERS AROUND THE FIREPLACE EXPECTING TO SEE THE PARTYGOERS HIDING THERE BUT ON SEEING NO ONE CONTINUES TO LOOK ABOUT THE ROOM RATHER CONFUSED WITH HIS HANDS ON HIS HIPS  
FRASIER (CONT'D)  
Hello? Hello?  
NILES  
(OFF STAGE) Hi Frasier. I'm in the kitchen. Can you give me a  
hand?  
FRASIER  
They've managed to fit everyone in the kitchen? FRASIER EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN  
RESET TO: INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS NILES STANDS BY THE SINK HOLDING A PLATE WITH A PIECE OF COOKED MEAT AS FRASIER ENTERS  
NILES  
Can you help me drain off this? I keep nearly loosing the meat  
down the garbage disposal. I can't imagine that'll make it more  
appetising. FRASIER LOOKS BEHIND THE ISLAND FOR ANYONE HIDING BEFORE HE HELPS NILES  
FRASIER  
Where is everyone?  
NILES  
Daphne just went out to the grocery store and I think Dad is out  
with Eddie.  
FRASIER  
What about everyone else?  
NILES  
Who else is there? Have you taken in a couple of stray tourists  
for a few days without my knowing? Where are they sleeping? In  
your sweater cubby?  
FRASIER  
Never mind.  
NILES  
Frasier does this meat look as if it's smiling at me to you?  
FRASIER  
Where?  
NILES  
Right there. That looks like a smile and that's an eye if ever  
I've seen one. If you squint your eyes and tilt your head a  
little to the right it looks like Nana on Dad's side.  
FRASIER  
Only not nearly as hairy. Now that you mention it, it does look  
a little familiar. Let's hope it wasn't someone we know  
reincarnated.  
NILES  
Is there any chance we've seen it in a field.  
FRASIER  
I hope not.  
NILES  
I don't think I like the idea of being watched by my dinner.  
FRASIER  
Although if you're a cannibal I guess you'd have to get used to  
it sooner or later. SFX: DOORBELL FRASIER EXITS TO ANSWER THE DOOR  
NILES  
And suddenly I'm no longer hungry.  
RESET TO:  
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS  
FRASIER ENTERS, AND EXPECTING TO SEE A GROUP OF PARTY GUESTS IN  
THE CORRIDOR, SWINGS IT OPEN AND MARTIN ENTERS  
FRASIER  
Dad!  
MARTIN  
What are you shouting for? You scared the hell out of  
me.  
FRASIER  
I'm sorry you weren't who I was expecting. Is anyone  
else out there?  
MARTIN  
Yeah.  
FRASIER  
Well don't just stand there invite them in.  
  
EDDIE ENTERS AND MARTIN TAKES HIS LEASH OFF  
MARTIN  
Come on boy, welcome to your home.  
FRASIER  
I see. Is there anyone other then Eddie in the hall?  
MARTIN  
I think he left a half eaten bug out there if you  
want to invite that in, but I wouldn't if I were you.  
Its legs were still twitching and it looked a little  
angry.  
  
MARTIN SHUTS THE DOOR AS NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN  
FRASIER  
Niles did you have that little chat with Mrs.  
Woodson?  
NILES  
Indeed I did once I was able to look at her without  
seeing her naked and pouting image staring back at me  
and making me break out into a cold sweat. It's  
something that took a very long time and not  
something I want to repeat again in the future.  
FRASIER  
What did you say to her? Other then please don't sit  
like that?  
NILES  
Well firstly I had to say 'no you may not stroke my  
thigh.' She didn't take the hint so I had to  
eventually shout it, which I think startled and upset  
her slightly. After she eventually stopped sobbing  
and wailing and I got her to swallow a sedative she  
admitted that she was just looking for a little male  
attention.  
FRASIER  
That's understandable. She was married a long time.  
NILES  
If only I could do something for her. She's so  
lonely. Actually you know Dad...  
MARTIN  
No!  
NILES  
You don't even know what I was going to say.  
MARTIN  
You were going to ask me to go out with her.  
NILES  
I most certainly was not.  
MARTIN  
Okay then. What was it you wanted to say?  
NILES  
(THINKS) Well I was just going to say how much I  
liked those pants that you're wearing. Were they  
expensive?  
FRASIER  
Oh and I'm sure they'd suit you Niles.  
  
SFX: DOORBELL  
FRASIER (CONT'D)  
(SHOUTS) Oh I wonder who that could be. I'm not  
expecting anyone.  
MARTIN  
Why are you shouting?  
FRASIER  
I'm not shouting. I'm just clearing my throat in case  
I have to make any speeches later.  
  
FRASIER MAKES HIS WAY OVER TO THE DOOR AND SWINGS IT OPEN AGAIN  
AS DAPHNE ENTERS CARRYING A SHOPPING BAG  
FRASIER (CONT'D)  
Daphne!  
DAPHNE  
Are you trying to give me heart failure?  
FRASIER  
I'm sorry Daphne.  
DAPHNE  
I know my family shout when they answer the door but  
that's only to scare away the Vicar when he comes  
around looking for the collection plate back one of  
me brothers have usually stolen. And even they don't  
try to give him a seizure on the doorstep.  
NILES  
What did you go out to the grocery store for?  
DAPHNE  
You said you liked the sound of those new non-stick  
pans.  
NILES  
Yes but it was a passing comment. I wasn't intending  
for you to go out and buy me one immediately.  
MARTIN  
I like the sound of that new beer. (A BEAT) Well then  
off you go.  
DAPHNE  
Nice try old man, no.  
  
FRASIER STANDS OUT IN THE CORRIDOR, JUST IN VIEW, AND WAITS BY  
THE ELEVATOR  
NILES  
Daphne are you sure you're okay?  
DAPHNE  
Me? I told you I'm fine you're the one that thinks  
the meat is smiling back at him. I'd better set the  
table.  
  
DAPHNE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN  
MARTIN  
(TO FRASIER) What are you doing?  
FRASIER  
Just walking. Getting a little exercise.  
NILES  
Is there any particular reason that you're doing it  
out in the corridor?  
FRASIER  
It's nice out here. The colour scheme is very  
soothing.  
NILES  
Should Daphne set you a place out there or will you  
come in and join us for dinner?  
  
DAPHNE ENTERS WITH THE KNIFES AND FORKS AND STARTS TO SET THE  
TABLE  
FRASIER  
There doesn't seem to many people out this evening.  
MARTIN  
As supposed to the bus station that's normally out  
there?  
FRASIER  
I just thought I might see more people tonight.  
NILES  
Well that's what happens to you when you start to  
socialise in hallways. It gets a little too crazy.  
  
NILES EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN  
FRASIER  
You know I really don't spend enough time out here.  
MARTIN  
That's nice. Here have some privacy.  
  
MARTIN SHUTS THE DOOR ON FRASIER. AFTER A BRIEF MOMENT FRASIER  
OPENS THE DOOR AND ENTERS AGAIN AND SHUTS THE DOOR  
FRASIER  
That's very amusing Dad.  
  
SFX: DOORBELL  
FRASIER (CONT'D)  
Ah, I wonder who this might be?  
  
FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR AND ROZ ENTERS  
FRASIER (CONT'D)  
Roz and...  
ROZ  
And what?  
FRASIER  
Where is everyone else?  
ROZ  
I'm sorry were you expecting me to bring my tour  
group by? You know they've already been to the Space  
Needle and the zoo today. I didn't want to overexcite  
them.  
MARTIN  
He's decided he doesn't spend enough time in the  
hallway.  
ROZ  
Okay. Can't talk. Got to speak to Daphne.  
FRASIER  
Oh I see. What about this time?  
ROZ  
I really can't discuss it.  
FRASIER  
That's fine. I guess I'll find out when I see the  
balloons.  
  
ROZ RUSHES OVER TO DAPHNE AND THEY TALK IN HUSHED TONES  
DAPHNE  
Roz what are you doing here?  
ROZ  
Oh I think you know. In the kitchen now.  
  
NILES ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN  
NILES  
Oh hi Roz. Are you joining us for dinner? You need to  
keep your strength up.  
ROZ  
Okay thanks.  
  
NILES EXITS BACK INTO THE KITCHEN  
ROZ (CONT'D)  
Tell him.  
DAPHNE  
I don't want him to drop the meat.  
ROZ  
Okay he's put it down now tell him.  
DAPHNE  
He's still holding a fork.  
ROZ  
And this affects you how?  
DAPHNE  
I have my reasons.  
  
DAPHNE CONTINUES TO SET THE TABLE  
ROZ  
What are you doing now? Stop stalling!  
DAPHNE  
I'm just laying the table.  
ROZ  
Will you just go in there and tell him!  
DAPHNE  
I'm just preparing myself. I need to get myself  
ready.  
ROZ  
You do know there's quite a difference between  
telling Niles this and putting forks on a table. I  
know that might be hard to believe.  
DAPHNE  
It's all a matter of opinion.  
ROZ  
Just go and tell him.  
DAPHNE  
I will. Later.  
ROZ  
If you don't I will.  
DAPHNE  
You wouldn't dare.  
ROZ  
Oh wouldn't I? Niles! Can I have a word with you?  
DAPHNE  
I'm going to kill you.  
ROZ  
Good but do this first. Then I'm sure your baby will  
look lovely in a tiny prison outfit while you sow  
mailbags.  
  
DAPHNE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN  
RESET TO:  
INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS  
NILES CLOSES THE OVEN DOOR AS DAPHNE ENTERS  
NILES  
What is it?  
DAPHNE  
I need to talk to you.  
NILES  
Sure what about?  
DAPHNE  
How's the roast coming along?  
  
ROZ BEGINS TO COUGH VIOLENTLY OFF STAGE  
DAPHNE (CONT'D)  
(TO ROZ) Shut up!  
NILES  
It's fine.  
DAPHNE  
That's good. There's something else I need to talk to  
you about. Okay. Well you see...as it happens...the  
other day...you know how we've always...let me put it  
this way...  
NILES  
Daphne just tell me.  
DAPHNE  
You want me to just come out and say it?  
NILES  
Yes, what ever it is, has obviously been bothering  
you for a few days now and I...  
DAPHNE  
(JUST BLURTING IT OUT) I'm pregnant.  
NILES  
...feel that you should just get it off...you're...?  
  
NILES PASSES OUT ON THE FLOOR  
DAPHNE  
Perfect! Roz! Can I have some help please?  
  
ROZ ENTERS AND LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM FOR NILES. SHE EVENTUALLY  
LOOKS DOWN AND SEES HIM SPREAD OUT ON THE FLOOR, SHE THEN LOOKS  
UP AT DAPHNE  
ROZ  
So have you told him yet?  
DAPHNE  
Very funny. You told me he wouldn't freak out!  
ROZ  
When have I ever said I'm right about everything?  
RESET TO:  
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS  
AS MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR READING A NEWSPAPER  
FRASIER WALKS ABOUT THE APARTMENT LOOKING IN DRAWERS  
FOR ANY SIGNS OF THE PLANNED PARTY. MARTIN TRIES IN  
VAIN TO IGNORE HIM AS ROZ AND DAPHNE ENTER DRAGGING  
NILES TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM BY HIS ANKLES  
MARTIN  
What's going on?  
DAPHNE  
Niles is just taking a little nap before  
dinner. He's fine.  
MARTIN  
(REALISING) Okay. Good luck.  
DAPHNE  
Thank you.  
ROZ  
Be careful of the steps.  
  
THEY QUICKLY PULL NILES UP THE TWO STEPS, HIS HEAD  
BOUNCES ON EACH ONE. DAPHNE THEN LETS GO OF HIS LEG,  
WHICH HITS THE FLOOR WITH A BANG. SHE GOES TO CHECK  
HIS HEAD BUT REALISING WHAT SHE'S JUST DONE GOES TO  
CHECK IF SHE'S BRUISED HIS LEG INSTEAD. SATISFIED  
THAT HIS LEG IS FINE SHE DROPS IT QUITE VIOLENTLY  
AGAIN AND CHECKS THE BACK OF HIS HEAD BEFORE PICKING  
HIS LEG BACK UP AGAIN  
DAPHNE  
Oh never mind I'll just tell him it's from  
where he fainted.  
ROZ  
He repeatedly banged his head on the  
floor?  
DAPHNE  
It was one of those freak things like his  
head was made from rubber. It was on Sixty  
Minutes last week.  
  
ROZ AND DAPHNE EXIT STILL DRAGGING NILES AS FRASIER  
JUST STARES AFTER THEM  
FRASIER  
Well that was normal.  
MARTIN  
If you say so.  
FRASIER  
It's all right I know what's going on.  
MARTIN  
You do?  
FRASIER  
Oh come on, I'm a doctor. I went to  
Harvard. I'm not an idiot.  
MARTIN  
Well that's a matter of opinion. Then  
what's going on?  
FRASIER  
Oh don't act coy with me. I know you know.  
  
MARTIN  
You know I know what?  
FRASIER  
About my surprise birthday party.  
  
MARTIN STARES BLANKLY AT HIM  
FRASIER (CONT'D)  
Why are you looking so blank? Don't you  
know about it?  
MARTIN  
I haven't heard anything.  
FRASIER  
Then that's a good tactic on their behalf.  
They know you have the tendency to shoot  
your mouth off. I bet they thought if they  
told you, you'd tell me. I must admit  
they're cunning.  
MARTIN  
And I must admit you were dropped several  
times as a child.  
  
AS FRASIER CONTINUES TO LOOK FOR ANY SIGNS OF A PARTY  
WE:  
FADE OUT  
  
(H)  
FADE IN:  
INT. DAPHNE'S BEDROOM - EVENING - DAY/3  
  
(Daphne, Niles, Roz, Martin, Frasier, Kenny)  
NILES LIES STRETCHED OUT ON THE BED WITH HIS EYES  
CLOSED AS DAPHNE SITS RATHER NERVOUSLY ON THE END.  
SUDDENLY NILES OPENS HIS EYES AND LIFTS HIS HEAD  
DAPHNE  
Are you feeling all right?  
NILES  
I'm fine.  
  
NILES FEELS THE BACK OF HIS HEAD  
NILES (CONT'D)  
No wait scratch that last statement.  
There's an immense pain coming from the  
back of my head like I've got some sort of  
probe sticking out of it. Oh my God I have  
so many lumps it feels like brail on the  
back of my head. What happened?  
DAPHNE  
I'd tell you but I'm afraid you'll faint  
again.  
NILES  
Oh no Frasier is the father of Roz's baby  
isn't he? I knew it! He's been walking  
around with the look of a man who's done  
something or rather someone incredibly  
stupid.  
  
NILES SITS UP AND JOINS DAPHNE AT THE END OF THE BED  
DAPHNE  
No your brother isn't the father. In fact  
I guess now is the time to tell you that  
Roz isn't actually pregnant after all.  
NILES  
She's not? Well I didn't think she would  
be after only ten dollars worth. I knew it  
cost a lot more and took a lot longer. She  
forgets I am a doctor. Anyway for ten  
dollars she'd get the seed of a person who  
works at a convenience store, attends sci-  
fi conventions and still lives with his  
mother rather then a lawyer or a doctor  
let alone the President of the United  
States.  
DAPHNE  
Roz isn't the one who's pregnant Niles, I  
am.  
  
NILES SUDDENLY FREEZES STARING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE  
DAPHNE (CONT'D)  
Niles? Niles? Niles! Oh bloody great first  
you faint and now you've gone mute. Can  
you hear me? Is there anybody home? Niles!  
  
NILES  
(STILL DISTRACTED) Yes?  
DAPHNE  
Did you hear what I just said?  
NILES  
I think so. You're pregnant?  
DAPHNE  
Yes I am.  
NILES  
Erm...wow! I'm going to be a father?  
DAPHNE  
Yes you are. I've been so terrified about  
telling you in case you were going to  
freak out on me.  
NILES  
(CALM) You thought I'd freak out? Why  
would I freak out? (SUDDENLY REALISING) Oh  
my God you're pregnant!  
DAPHNE  
Yeah a little like that.  
  
NILES STARTS TO TAKE DEEP GASPING BREATHS BEFORE  
DAPHNE PUSHES HIS HEAD BETWEEN HIS LEGS  
DAPHNE (CONT'D)  
Here put your head between your legs. Just  
breathe. Deep breaths. Not that deep  
you'll swallow my duvet.  
  
NILES STARTS TO BREATHE NORMALLY AGAIN AND LIFTS HIS  
HEAD  
NILES  
I'm sorry Daphne this has just come as a  
bit of a surprise.  
DAPHNE  
For me too. I was so worried that you'd be  
mad.  
NILES  
Why would I be mad? You didn't do this  
alone.  
DAPHNE  
Well mad for a start that my mother is  
bound to try to beat you to death with a  
broom for knocking her only daughter up  
before you marry her.  
NILES  
I'm not afraid of your mother.  
DAPHNE  
You do remember her don't you? A short  
lady capable of making a grown man cry  
from just looking at him. She causes  
animals to attack one another just from  
the sound of her voice.  
NILES  
(OVERJOYED) I don't believe this. We're  
going to have a baby. I'm going to be a  
Daddy.  
  
NILES SUDDENLY COMPLETELY CALMS DOWN AND RELAXES.  
THEY HUG  
DAPHNE  
You're going to be a wonderful Daddy. I  
was so scared you'd panic at the thought  
of it.  
NILES  
Why would you think I'd panic? You know  
me.  
DAPHNE  
Yeah I know you too well. I saw you with  
that bag of flour remember. I spent an  
hour getting it up off the couch with a  
sponge.  
NILES  
(STARTS OFF JOKING) I was awful wasn't I?  
How am I going to cope with this? I mean I  
set it on fire. I drowned it. I stabbed  
it. I let a dog eat it. (PANICKING AGAIN)  
What kind of parent am I going to make?  
DAPHNE  
I thought you weren't going to do this.  
NILES  
What if I do it again?  
DAPHNE  
You won't because this isn't flour. This  
is our baby. I'm not going to have a  
gingerbread man. I won't give birth to any  
kind of pastry. Although if I did we'd  
make a fortune selling the story. You're  
not alone I'm terrified about it too.  
NILES  
That's not helping.  
DAPHNE  
But you're great with Alice and Freddie.  
You just need to keep all sharp objects  
away from it.  
NILES  
That I think I can do.  
DAPHNE  
And we do this together.  
NILES  
Well we've done everything else together  
pretty well so far.  
  
HE KISSES HER  
DAPHNE  
I'll say doctor.  
  
THEY KISS. NILES THEN MOVES IN LOOKING LIKE HE'S  
GOING TO KISS HER AGAIN BUT INSTEAD PLACES HIS EAR ON  
HER STOMACH  
DAPHNE (CONT'D)  
Okay that's not exactly what I was hoping  
for.  
  
DAPHNE LOOKS DOWN AT HIM AND SEEING THE LUMP ON THE  
BACK ON HIS HEAD CRINGES. SHE THEN STROKES HIS HAIR  
TO COVER IT UP BEFORE KISSING IT  
SFX: KNOCK AT THE DOOR  
NILES SPRINGS BACK FROM DAPHNE THINKING THE KNOCKING  
WAS COMING FROM HER  
NILES  
Oh my God!  
DAPHNE  
Niles it's the door. (SHOUTS) Come in.  
NILES  
Oh right. For a second there I thought it  
had inherited my genes for the knack of  
kickboxing.  
  
ROZ ENTERS SLOWLY STICKING HER HEAD AROUND THE DOOR  
ROZ  
Is everything okay in here? Have you told  
him?  
NILES  
She most certainly has. Why didn't you  
tell me Frasier was the father? Did you  
think you could keep it a secret? I'm  
going to be an Uncle again.  
ROZ  
Will you keep your voice down before I  
kill you!  
NILES  
Roz I'm kidding.  
ROZ  
I wasn't.  
RESET TO:  
INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS  
MARTIN SITS AS BEFORE BUT WITH FRASIER  
PACING AROUND BEHIND THE CONSOLE A LITTLE  
FRUSTRATED  
FRASIER  
Where is everyone?  
MARTIN  
I'm here. You're there.  
Eddie's over there. Roz went  
that way. Niles and Daphne are  
in her room. Who else is  
there?  
FRASIER  
What a sheltered little world  
you live in. I meant my party  
guests. Where is the food, the  
balloons, some sort of farm  
animal in women's underwear  
brought by the prankster of  
the group?  
MARTIN  
What makes you think they've  
organised you a surprise  
party?  
FRASIER  
They've done nothing but  
whisper to one another about a  
surprise for days. Then I over  
heard Roz and Daphne talk  
about it being tonight. Now  
what else can that mean? You  
don't need to be a detective  
to figure this one out.  
MARTIN  
Sometimes I have to remind  
myself that you're actually  
supposedly a smart man.  
  
NILES, DAPHNE AND ROZ ENTER  
NILES  
Dad, Frasier we have some  
news.  
FRASIER  
(SOTTO TO MARTIN) Ah here it  
comes, be prepared to eat your  
words along with party food  
old man. Yes what is it? I'm  
all ears.  
DAPHNE  
I'm pregnant. We're going to  
have a baby.  
MARTIN  
(PRETENDING) Really? Oh my  
God! What a surprise!  
NILES  
You already know don't you?  
MARTIN  
I kind of found out this  
morning. But it's still  
wonderful news. Come here.  
Congratulations the both of  
you.  
  
MARTIN STANDS AND HUGS THEM BOTH AS  
FRASIER JUST STARES AT THEM ALL  
SUSPICIOUSLY  
FRASIER  
This is the surprise I've  
heard you talking about?  
DAPHNE  
Yes it is. I knew you over  
heard Roz and me talking.  
ROZ  
You could have told me if you  
knew.  
  
SFX: DOORBELL  
AS MARTIN CONTINUES TO CONGRATULATE NILES  
AND DAPHNE, FRASIER CROSSES TO THE FRONT  
DOOR AND OPENS IT. KENNY ENTERS WEARING A  
PARTY HAT  
KENNY  
(SHOUTS) Surpri...  
  
FRASIER COVERS KENNY'S MOUTH  
FRASIER  
I was wrong it's not tonight.  
I'll speak to you tomorrow.  
  
FRASIER CLOSES THE DOOR AND KENNY EXITS  
BEFORE HE DECIDES TO PLAY ALONG AND HUGS  
NILES AND DAPHNE  
FRASIER  
Well then I think this calls  
for a toast.  
DAPHNE  
I'll get it.  
NILES  
Never let me get it, you two  
relax.  
DAPHNE  
If I can drag you up the steps  
and into my room I think I can  
fetch everyone a drink.  
NILES  
Wait a second that's where  
these lumps came from!  
DAPHNE  
It was Roz as well.  
  
ROZ IMMEDIATELY STANDS BEHIND DAPHNE  
ROZ  
You wouldn't attack a woman  
standing behind the woman  
carrying your child would you?  
  
  
NILES, DAPHNE AND ROZ EXIT INTO THE  
KITCHEN  
MARTIN  
Frasier you don't seem exactly  
thrilled.  
FRASIER  
Let me just get this straight.  
Does this mean I'm not having  
a surprise birthday party?  
MARTIN  
I'm guessing yes but I  
actually was a detective, it's  
easy for me.  
FRASIER  
Unless that's what they want  
me to think to divert me from  
the scent. Pregnant my eye.  
They're a lot more cunning  
then I gave them credit for.  
  
AS FRASIER SITS DOWN WITH A LARGE SMILE ON  
HIS FACE, MARTIN JUST SHAKES HIS HEAD AND  
WE:  
FADE OUT  
  
END OF ACT TWO  
  
CLOSING CREDITS: FRASIER ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AS NILES, DAPHNE, ROZ, MARTIN AND EDDIE ALL JUMP OUT FROM THE KITCHEN SHOUTING SURPRISE. THEY ALL WEAR PARTY HATS, INCLUDING EDDIE AS ROZ HOLDS A BIRTHDAY CAKE. FRASIER THANKS THEM ALL BEFORE TURNING TO MARTIN AND GESTURES TOWARDS HIM TO SAY I  
TOLD YOU SO. 


	22. Episode TwentyTwo

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_Thank you to everyone who sent me feedback for the last one. All feedback is extremely appreciated so please send your comments to kelly_simba@hotmail.com _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Nine Episode Twenty-Two   
Misadventures in Babysitting 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: "POULTRY MAKE UP ABOUT 50% OF ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS" 

FADE IN: 

INT. KACL RADIO BOOTH — AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Kenny, Roz) 

FRASIER STANDS IN HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH LOOKING IN HIS BRIEFCASE AS KENNY ENTERS LOOKING FLUSTERED AND WEARING A BRIGHT RED HAWAIIAN SHIRT 

FRASIER 

Oh hi Kenny. How was your vacation? Judging from the fact that your shirt is reminiscent of a bad opium experience I'd have to say pretty good. 

KENNY 

Yeah about that doc I really need to talk to you. I need some help. I'm desperate. 

FRASIER 

I can see that. I'll set you up with a Bidwell's account and get you an appointment with my personal shopper immediately. Have no fear you'll be able to set fire to that shirt sending it back to the devils that created it and breathe a sigh of relief within the hour. 

KENNY 

No, no, I meant I need to talk to you about my vacation. 

FRASIER 

Oh I see. Well what seems to be the problem? 

KENNY RUNS FROM THE BOOTH AND SLAMS THE DOOR AS FRASIER JUST STARES AFTER HIM 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Other then you've suddenly gone insane and run away from me? 

FRASIER EXITS FROM THE BOOTH 

RESET TO: 

INT. KACL CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

KENNY STANDS BY THE BOOTH DOOR HOLDING A CELL PHONE TO HIS EAR AS FRASIER ENTERS

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Kenny? Kenny? (SEEING KENNY ON THE PHONE) Oh I'm sorry. 

FRASIER EXITS BACK INTO HIS BOOTH 

RESET TO: 

INT. KACL RADIO BOOTH — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER ENTERS INTO THE BOOTH AND SITS DOWN 

SFX: FRASIER'S CELL PHONE RINGING

FRASIER TAKES OUT HIS PHONE AND ANSWERS IT 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Hello? 

KENNY 

(THROUGH PHONE) Hi doc. 

FRASIER 

(CONFUSED) Kenny? 

KENNY 

(THROUGH PHONE) Yeah it's me. 

FRASIER PUSHES HIS CHAIR TO THE WINDOW AND LOOKS AT KENNY THROUGH IT 

FRASIER 

Kenny why are we talking on the phone when I can see you sitting on the floor outside the booth hugging your knees and rocking like a child awaiting electro-shock therapy? 

FRASIER PUSHES HIS CHAIR BACK TO THE CONSOLE 

KENNY 

(THROUGH PHONE) Well this is kind of personal. I feel embarrassed talking about it face to face with you. Just treat me like one of your regular callers. 

FRASIER 

(RELUCTANT) Erm...okay fine. You've made me afraid to ask what the problem is now. Okay I'll do it but just don't give me any information that I don't need to know and may result in permanent scarring. (COMPOSING HIMSELF) Right I'm ready. Okay. Hello caller, go ahead I'm listening. 

KENNY 

(THROUGH PHONE) You know I always thought that was a little too saccharin. 

FRASIER 

(HURT) But it's my catch phrase. I've had it for nearly nine years. It's as much of a Seattle institution as I am. And if you continue to wear shirts like that you'll end up in a Seattle institution connected to a strong electric current in a padded room. And although that may sound like fun believe me it's not. 

KENNY 

(THROUGH PHONE) I'm just saying have you ever thought about trying something different? You know try to make it more modern and appeal to a younger market? You could be more hip, start to ask your callers 'what's up'? 

FRASIER 

If you're suggesting I turn my show into one of those juvenile television beer commercials, your pleas will be falling on deaf ears. I will not pander to the masses. 

KENNY 

(THROUGH PHONE) Which gives us some indication as to why your ratings are so low. Miss Judy's arts and crafts show is starting to get higher ratings then your show and the listeners can't even see what she's making. She says she's making a dollhouse from a cotton bud and a banana peel but who really knows? And anyway there's no need to get snippy about it, it was just a suggestion. 

FRASIER 

Well thank you for that much needed confidence boost right before I start my show Kenny. Why don't you completely finish me off and tell me that there is no penis envy, dreams mean nothing and that Freud had the habit of wondering around the park naked and poking a badger with a spoon? (THEN) But getting back to the problem at hand? 

KENNY 

(THROUGH PHONE) Oh right my problem. I think my wife may be a little mad at me. Okay a little mad might be a slight understatement. Okay a large understatement. Filing for divorce and trying to construct a voodoo doll from bits of hair and drool from my toothbrush may be a little more appropriate term. 

FRASIER 

And what makes you think that? 

KENNY 

(THROUGH PHONE) I may have accidentally forgotten all about her and the kids and left them at the hotel. I was already sitting on the aeroplane and struggling to open my tiny bag of peanuts before I realised that I'd forgotten something. It took me another ten minutes to figure out what. 

FRASIER 

I assume you got off the plane to go and find them. 

KENNY 

(THROUGH PHONE) Not exactly doc. 

FRASIER 

Not exactly? What do you mean not exactly? 

FRASIER STANDS AND EXITS OUT OF HIS BOOTH 

RESET TO: 

INT. KACL CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS 

KENNY SITS ON THE FLOOR BY THE DOOR HOLDING HIS PHONE TO HIS EAR AS FRASIER ENTERS ALSO WITH HIS PHONE TO HIS EAR. THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER AS THEY CONTINUE TO TALK ON THE PHONE 

KENNY 

Well the seatbelt sign was on. I didn't want to get into trouble. You know what those flight attendants are like. Hitler in heels. And that's when they're in a good mood. When they're in a bad mood they have the ability to give you a sex change with a quick snap of the wrist. 

FRASIER 

Are you telling me you left your wife and children alone at a hotel in Hawaii? 

KENNY 

Not quite. We didn't exactly make it to Hawaii. It was a little on the expensive side so we spent a two star week at the airport Holiday Inn in Delaware instead. On the up side we got a lot of free tiny bottles of shampoo and conditioner. I remembered to bring those home with me just not my family. 

KENNY STANDS 

FRASIER 

Oh my god Kenny! 

KENNY 

What do you think I should do? 

FRASIER 

Firstly I think we should both hang up ours phones before everyone starts to think that we're crazy. 

FRASIER AND KENNY BOTH HANG UP THEIR PHONES AND PUT THEM AWAY 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Secondly find out where the hell they are if they're attempting to travel on their own and then go and bring them back. 

KENNY 

Can't I just phone? They're only in Delaware, it's not the nicest place on earth but it's not like they're in prison in Thailand on drug smuggling charges facing execution. 

FRASIER 

Kenny! 

KENNY 

Oh all right I'm going. But if she kills me be it on your conscience. 

KENNY EXITS AROUND THE CORNER AS FRASIER EXITS BACK INTO HIS BOOTH 

RESET TO: 

INT. KACL RADIO BOOTH — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER ENTERS INTO THE BOOTH AND SITS DOWN AS ROZ ENTERS INTO HER SIDE OF THE BOOTH LOOKING QUITE ILL 

FRASIER 

Hi Roz. (PAUSE) Roz? 

ROZ CASUALLY WAVES HELLO AT FRASIER BUT DOESN'T SPEAK 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Roz? (PAUSE) Are you ignoring me? 

FRASIER STANDS AND CROSSES TO ROZ'S SIDE OF THE BOOTH 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Okay what have I done this time or is this just your completely irrational time of the month again? I don't have that written down in my diary for another two weeks. 

WHEN ROZ SPEAKS SHE DOES SO IN A VERY STRAINED AND DEEP VOICE 

ROZ 

I have a sore throat and I think the flu coming. I think it might be my tonsils. 

FRASIER BACKS AWAY AND COVERS HIS MOUTH 

FRASIER 

Dear God you sound like a duck. 

ROZ 

Thanks a lot. 

FRASIER 

Some sort of chain-smoking, scotch guzzling duck possessed by a devil. Have you seen a doctor? 

ROZ NODS HER HEAD TO SAY YES 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

And what did he say to you? 

ROZ 

He insulted me and told me I sounded like a duck. 

FRASIER 

I meant a doctor other then me. 

ROZ 

I don't need to see a doctor. Honestly I'm fine. 

FRASIER 

You don't sound fine. You sound like you're about to lay a giant egg through your windpipe. 

ROZ 

Sometimes I wonder why I talk to you at all. 

FRASIER 

Then may I suggest not talking and going to see a doctor instead? 

ROZ 

Not talking is not an option. I have a date tonight and he's so hot I just want to... 

ROZ LOOSES HER VOICE AND IS UNABLE TO FINISH THE SENTENCE 

FRASIER 

I think not talking is now your only option because only dogs and psychics can hear you at this point Roz, and as a doctor I don't call that fine. 

ROZ 

But you're not a proper... 

ONCE AGAIN ROZ LOOSES HER VOICE BEFORE SHE CAN FINISH THE SENTENCE 

FRASIER 

It's a good thing you weren't able to finish that sentence. You have got to see a doctor. 

ROZ SHAKES HER HEAD 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Then how do you honestly expect to do the show like this? 

ROZ BEGINS TO GESTURE TO FRASIER 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

What is that supposed to be? You're stuck in a box? There's a dog? You've gone quickly insane? 

ROZ SIGHS AND THEN STARTS TO WRITE SOMETHING DOWN 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

What are you writing? (READS) You'll mime the callers to me? Roz you couldn't even mime a mime. How are you supposed to mime someone with a phobia, or someone with disturbing dreams, or I don't know someone sleeping with their boss? 

ROZ WRITES SOMETHING DOWN QUICKLY BEFORE FRASIER READS 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

(READS) Don't even think about it. You'll be fine? Oh I'm sure. Then how are you going to talk to the callers to find out what their problems are? 

ROZ WRITES AGAIN 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

(READS) They're all freaks, isn't that enough information? Strangely enough no it's not. As soon as the show is over I'm taking you to see a doctor. 

ROZ BEGINS TO SIGNAL THAT FRASIER IS ABOUT TO GO ON AIR BUT HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

What does that mean? I don't understand. 

FRASIER SUDDENLY REALISES AND THEN RUNS TO HIS SIDE OF THE BOOTH AND GOES ON AIR 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Oh right. Good afternoon Seattle. This is Dr. Frasier Crane and I'll be taking your calls for the next three hours so without further ado let's get straight to the phones. Roz who do we have on line one? 

ROZ KNEELS ON THE FLOOR BEHIND HER CONSOLE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

We have...Neil. Thank you Roz. Hello Neil I'm listening. 

AS ROZ SMILES AT FRASIER WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

FADE IN: 

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM — LATE AFTERNOON — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Roz, Doctor Dawson, Niles) 

ROZ SITS ON A HOSPITAL BED IN A HOSPITAL GOWN AS FRASIER SITS ON THE END OF THE BED. ROZ STILL SOUNDS VERY ILL 

ROZ 

I can't believe that doctor made me come here. I don't want my tonsils removed. I'm still using them. 

FRASIER 

How are you feeling now Roz? 

ROZ 

How do you think I'm feeling Frasier? My nurse acted as if she could have taught Hitler all he knew about strangling kittens and more, my throat is so sore I can hardly speak, then when I do I sound like that little girl from the Exorcist only scarier and my ass is currently hanging out of the back of this hospital gown and blowing in the breeze for all to see. Oh it's a perfect day! 

FRASIER 

I told you I'm trying not to look but it's really hard not to. It's like looking at an eclipse. You've heard so much about it you just want to have a look for yourself even though you know you shouldn't. 

ROZ 

But on the upside these painkillers could probably sedate a fully-grown rhino. My throat still hurts but I really don't care. So I'm actually feeling great. 

FRASIER 

Exactly how many painkillers did the doctor give you? 

ROZ 

Only one to begin with. I sweet-talked him into giving me a couple more for good luck. 

FRASIER 

When? I only left the room for less then a minute to get a cup of coffee. You surely couldn't have put the moves on him in that time. 

ROZ 

That's all it takes sometimes. 

FRASIER 

Please tell me you didn't sleep with him. 

ROZ 

Do you honestly think that I'm that cheap and easy? 

FRASIER 

Yes I do. 

ROZ 

Well just listen here buddy... 

ROZ LOOSES HER VOICE AGAIN 

FRASIER 

Suddenly I'm relieved you can't speak. 

DOCTOR DAWSON, WHO IS A VERY ATTRACTIVE MAN IN HIS THIRTIES, ENTERS. AS SOON AS ROZ SEES HIM HER JAW NEARLY HITS THE FLOOR 

DOCTOR DAWSON 

Hello I'm Doctor Dawson. And you must be Roz Doyle. Doctor Jenus has gone off shift so I'll be taking over. Just give me a couple of minutes and I'll be right with you. 

DOCTOR DAWSON EXITS

ROZ 

Thank you. Oh my God he's even better looking then the last one. Do they breed them here? (THEN) Flirt with him for me. 

FRASIER 

Excuse me? 

ROZ 

You heard me. 

FRASIER 

I wish I hadn't. 

ROZ 

Well I can't do it now can I? I can hardly talk above a whisper. 

FRASIER 

I wouldn't know where to begin Roz. 

ROZ 

Oh come on you've got to have flirted at least once in your miserable, pitiful, sex starved life. You've been married twice for God's sake so you must have done it. 

FRASIER 

But not with a man! This is an entirely different proposition. My whole approach should be different from what it normally is. Although to be fair men do like to be finessed just as much as women do. That is something that is often overlooked. (THEN) What am I even talking about? I am not doing this! I can see it happening now, it'll get out of control and I am not getting married in San Francisco and adopting a litter of children just because you can't talk properly. 

ROZ 

You give yourself way too much credit. As if he'd ever want to marry you. 

FRASIER 

You don't think I could get him to marry me? 

ROZ 

Frasier this is not a bet. You don't have to do it but I'm sure you could marry any man you wanted to. You're very attractive. Are you happy now? 

FRASIER 

I suppose so. I guess my shattered confidence will return in time. Why don't you flirt with him then if you're so interested and I'm so unattractive to men? 

ROZ 

I can't like this. I know I'll have to mime everything again you can translate for me. 

FRASIER 

I think we've already established that doesn't work during the show. Paul will now never recover from his identity crisis after I thought you were miming a woman with a tendency to meow like a cat when she talks to strangers on the telephone. I don't enjoy purring at strange men you know. 

ROZ 

That might work if you did it to the doctor. 

FRASIER 

Roz! 

ROZ 

Oh fine. 

FRASIER 

Just talk to him. You sound great like that, very sexy. 

ROZ 

Do you think so? 

FRASIER 

Oh yes. One could say you almost sound French. 

ROZ 

And that's supposed to make me feel better? In other words I sound like I have armpit hair so long it dangles around my ankles and the habit of wearing onions around my neck! What a turn on that is! 

DOCTOR DAWSON ENTERS

DOCTOR DAWSON 

And I'm back. 

FRASIER 

And not a moment too soon. 

DOCTOR DAWSON 

Okay Roz. I've got your test results back and the good news is you're not going to have to have your tonsils removed. So I'm sorry you were dragged all the way here for nothing. A few days bed rest and some antibiotics should clear it up. 

ROZ 

I can't stay in bed, I have a four year old daughter. 

FRASIER 

Don't worry about it Roz I'll take care of her. 

DOCTOR DAWSON 

And I need you to cut that out. The less you talk the less it will hurt. That's my beeper. I'm sorry I'll be back. 

DOCTOR DAWSON EXITS AS FRASIER MOVES TO PUT HIS ARM AROUND ROZ 

FRASIER 

I'll look after Alice. She'll be fine and so will you. 

NILES ENTERS AND BREATHS A SIGH OF RELIEF THAT HE'S FOUND THEM 

NILES 

There you are! 

FRASIER 

Niles! What are you doing here? 

NILES 

Daphne got your message and phoned me to tell me what happened. I came straight down here. 

FRASIER 

That's really nice of you Niles. 

NILES TAKES OUT HIS HANDKERCHIEF AND COVERS HIS MOUTH BEFORE EDGING CLOSER TO ROZ 

NILES 

Yes I couldn't resist the temptation of coming down here knowing Roz is unable to answer back. It's like all my Christmas's have come at once. (EXCITED) So Roz that's a rather revealing gown. A man certainly knows what to expect from dinner and a movie from that. 

FRASIER 

Niles, thankfully coming here was a waste of time, Roz isn't going to have to have her tonsils removed. 

NILES 

Oh that's a relief but I thought you'd already had them removed by that tall, blonde man in Café Nervosa yesterday morning. Or were you just sharing a Tic-Tac? 

FRASIER 

I'm going to see what's keeping that doctor. 

NILES 

I'd join you but this is too much fun. 

FRASIER EXITS AS NILES SITS NEXT TO ROZ ON THE BED 

RESET TO: 

INT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER ENTERS AND STARTS TO WALK DOWN THE CORRIDOR 

NILES (CONT'D) 

(OFF STAGE) So Roz...Ouch! 

FRASIER STOPS AND WAITS AS NILES ENTERS HOBBLING FROM ROZ'S ROOM 

FRASIER 

Is everything all right? 

NILES 

Can you bring a wheelchair and pick me up from casualty on your way home please? 

AS FRASIER HELPS NILES DOWN THE CORRIDOR AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

TITLE CARD: "HE NEARLY KILLED HIMSELF ON THE MONKEY BARS" 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/2   
(Niles, Daphne, Martin, Frasier, Alice) 

MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR AS DAPHNE OPENS THE DOOR AND NILES ENTERS. NILES CARRIES A VIDEO TAPE AND KISSES DAPHNE BEFORE HE HANGS UP HIS COAT 

NILES 

Hello my love. I have got a surprise for you. 

DAPHNE 

Am I sure I really want this? The last surprise you gave me was knocking me up out of the blue weeks before our wedding. Now it's only a matter of time before I get so fat I'll accidentally sit on and kill Eddie and won't even notice. I don't want an imprint of a dog embedded in my stretch marked ridden rear end for the rest of my life, not that you gave me a choice about it. You had your fun. Typical man. 

NILES AND DAPHNE SIT DOWN ON THE COUCH 

NILES 

(CONCERNED) Daphne are you feeling okay? 

DAPHNE 

(DESPERATE) No I'm not. I need coffee and I need it now. Please! 

NILES STARTS TO RUB DAPHNE'S BACK 

NILES 

I know sweetheart. I feel exactly the same way. It's been hard on me too since we both gave it up. But you know what the doctor said. Don't worry we can get through this together. We can resist temptation. 

MARTIN 

Didn't I see you the other day drinking coffee in Nervosa? 

NILES 

Oh my God! I don't believe this! I am shocked! Daphne have you been drinking coffee? 

MARTIN 

Actually I was talking about you. 

NILES 

Ah...well...you see that was before I agreed to give up. 

MARTIN 

I think it was yesterday morning. 

DAPHNE SLAPS NILES' ARM 

DAPHNE 

I don't believe it! 

NILES 

Neither do I. You must have been hallucinating again old man, either that or you need your glasses checked. 

DAPHNE 

Wait a second, what's this mark on your shirt collar? It smells like...coffee! You've been in Nervosa! 

NILES 

Frasier made me! It only happened once. I was thinking about you the whole time. It'll never happen again. I promise. 

DAPHNE 

Oh that's what they all say. 

NILES 

I promise I'll never touch it again. 

MARTIN TRIES TO HAND NILES HIS COFFEE CUP AS HE GOES TO STAND UP 

MARTIN 

Here hold this for me. 

NILES PUTS HIS HANDS IN THE AIR AWAY FROM THE CUP 

NILES 

No you don't. You're not catching me out that easily. 

DAPHNE 

So what was your surprise other then you've violated your promise to me and been cheating with a pot full of coffee? 

NILES 

Once again I feel I should point out that I was forced into it. Anyway after many months of tracking it down, I found something I know you're going to love. 

DAPHNE 

A way to keep my family out of the country? 

NILES 

As much as I'd like to say yes, I've yet to find a genie to grant all of our wishes. It's actually something even better. The first ever episode of 'Mind Your Knickers.' 

DAPHNE SNATCHES THE TAPE OFF NILES AND STUFFS IT DOWN THE SIDE OF THE COUCH 

DAPHNE 

Oh you're not watching that. 

NILES 

Why not? 

DAPHNE 

Because it's really embarrassing. I was twelve years old and I looked a right fright. I don't want you to see that. 

NILES 

But I want to see it. 

DAPHNE 

Well I don't. 

NILES 

Oh come on Daphne. Please. You know you want to. 

NILES KISSES HER CHEEK 

DAPHNE 

That's not going to work on me this time. That's the reason I have a bun in the oven now. 

NILES 

Then let's take a vote on it. All those in favour of watching the videotape raise your hand. 

NILES AND MARTIN BOTH RAISE THEIR HANDS 

DAPHNE 

(TO MARTIN) Your vote doesn't count. 

MARTIN 

Yes it does. 

DAPHNE 

Does it really old man? That's interesting. Don't forget you're going to be on your own with me later, flat on your back with your leg in the air. I wonder how far I'll be able to push it back before it snaps. 

MARTIN 

(QUICKLY) My vote doesn't count. 

DAPHNE 

And mine counts as two. You loose two to one. 

NILES 

Your vote doesn't count as two. 

DAPHNE 

Are you excluding our child from taking part? 

NILES 

No. Oh but Daphne... 

DAPHNE 

End of discussion. And anyway I'm not talking to you anymore. You drank coffee without me. 

DAPHNE STANDS AND EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

MARTIN 

Don't worry about it Niles. It's just her hormones talking. 

NILES 

Do you think so? Her hormones? 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN HEARING THE END OF THE LAST SENTENCE AND HITS NILES BEFORE SITTING BACK DOWN AGAIN 

DAPHNE 

(SHOUTS) I am not hormonal! 

NILES AND MARTIN BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER A LITTLE FRIGHTENED 

NILES 

(OBVIOUSLY LYING) Of course you're not sweetheart. But does this mean we're not going to the movies this afternoon? 

DAPHNE 

Of course we are. 

NILES 

But I thought you weren't talking to me. 

DAPHNE 

You have to be quiet during the movie anyway. It'll be easier to ignore you when I know I can't talk to you. 

FRASIER AND ALICE ENTER BOTH COVERED IN MUD. ALICE HAS IT ALL OVER HER KNEES BUT FRASIER IS COVERED FROM HEAD TO TOE WITH IT 

FRASIER 

Hello everybody. 

MARTIN 

Oh my God what happened to you two? I thought you were only going to visit Roz. 

FRASIER 

We made a little detour on the way back. 

DAPHNE 

How is Roz? 

FRASIER 

She's fine. A little groggy from her antibiotics, at one point she thought she was Napoleon but she's generally okay. She'll be back on her feet tomorrow. 

NILES 

And to celebrate you decided to roll around in the monkey enclosure at the zoo? Those monkey's easily get the wrong idea and as one of my patients can testify to it's not much fun when they do. 

FRASIER 

We've been to the park. 

NILES 

And decided to give yourself a mud bath? 

ALICE 

I fell off the end of the slide and got mud on my knees. 

DAPHNE 

Why don't you go and change sweetie so you don't get mud everywhere like Uncle Frasier is doing and probably expects me to clean up later. 

ALICE 

Okay. Thanks Uncle Frasier that was fun. 

ALICE EXITS INTO DAPHNE'S ROOM 

MARTIN 

And what happened to you? 

NILES 

Please tell me you didn't do that on the slide. 

FRASIER 

The footprints on my rear end are from the slide. Alice dragged me on there, not telling me how narrow it was. When I became stuck like a cork in a wine bottle I had a stream of children taking bets and kicking me to see which one had the strength to push me down. In the end two of the other Dad's had to pull me down. 

DAPHNE 

But that doesn't explain the mud of your face. 

FRASIER 

I was on the swings and Alice pushed me off. 

NILES 

You got pushed off the swings by Alice? 

MARTIN 

She's a little girl! 

FRASIER 

But she has the forearms of a marine and anyway I wasn't holding on properly. She gave me no warning. 

NILES 

Frasier can you do me a favour? For your own sake never mention this outside this room. (TO DAPHNE) Well as entertaining as this has been we'd better go if you still want to catch that movie. 

ALICE ENTERS AND SITS BY THE TELEVISION WITH SOME TOYS AS DAPHNE LOOK AT HER BEFORE TAKING NILES' HAND 

DAPHNE 

I have a much better idea. 

NILES 

Mind your knickers? 

FRASIER 

Do you mind there is an innocent child present! 

DAPHNE 

He was referring to the television show. (TO NILES) Weren't you? 

NILES 

I was referring...(OBVIOUSLY LYING) oh of course I was. We could watch the tape of Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

The answer is still no. I was thinking we could stay here and help take care of Alice. It would make up for the coffee. 

DAPHNE KISSES NILES CHEEK 

NILES 

Really? 

MARTIN 

And it would be good practice for you. 

NILES 

I guess. I'll admit I'm not the best with children. I had trouble taking care of myself until I was twenty-five. 

MARTIN 

Trust me you still have trouble now. 

NILES 

But anyway I have good practice at home in the Montana. 

DAPHNE 

Hiding around the corner every time you see the newborn Ackerman triplets is not what I call practice. 

FRASIER 

Why do you hide from three babies? Afraid they'll try to steal your candy and knock you down? 

NILES 

Said the man abused by Alice. You haven't seen these babies. I have never seen anything so satanic in my life. If I didn't know any better I'd swear they're the love children of Hitler and Lilith. 

DAPHNE 

I'll admit they do have abnormally large cone heads, but every newborn baby looks like that. They're lovely. You'd realise that if you actually went and looked at them rather then hiding behind a pot plant. 

NILES 

I tried looking at them. They've developed some sort of mind control over me. After I made eye contact with them for the first time when they all simultaneously turned their heads to look at me, I began to feel a little faint. I steadied myself on the stroller only to loose all feeling down the right hand side of my body. Now tell me that's normal. 

MARTIN 

I'm struggling to remember if I ever dropped you as a child. 

FRASIER 

How can you be frightened of three innocent children? 

NILES 

They only look that way to lull you into a false sense of security. 

MARTIN 

Well I'm going down to McGinty's. After knowing my sons live in fear of preschoolers I need a beer. 

MARTIN PICKS UP HIS COAT AND EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. HE GOES TO SHUT THE DOOR BUT IT DOESN'T ACTUALLY CLOSE WHICH GOES UNNOTICED BY EVERYONE 

FRASIER 

(SHOUTING TO MARTIN) I'll have you know Alice will be starting school soon! I'd better go and clean this what I hope is mud off me. There were a lot of dogs off their leashes running around the park. 

FRASIER EXITS TOWARDS HIS ROOM 

NILES 

Hey I've got an idea. Alice how would you like to watch a video with your Auntie Daphne in it? 

DAPHNE 

It won't work the vote will still be tied which according to the rules means we don't do it. 

NILES 

And what rules are these? 

DAPHNE 

The woman who's carrying your child rules. 

NILES 

I'm sensing this is going to be a regular pattern for the next few months. But how can you say no to that adorable and yet sticky face? 

DAPHNE 

Alice do you want to watch the tape? 

ALICE 

Can I watch The Little Mermaid? 

DAPHNE 

Of course you can sweetheart. Nice try. I'm going to hide this somewhere that you'll never find it. 

DAPHNE EXITS TOWARDS HER ROOM PICKING A TAPE UP OFF THE TELEVISION NOT THE ONE FROM DOWN THE SIDE OF THE COUCH. NILES SLUMPS DOWN ON THE COUCH AND PUTS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS 

NILES 

Great now I'll never find that tape. I wonder where she's likely to hide it from me? In the closet, or maybe in the linen basket. 

ALICE SITS NEXT TO NILES LOOKING CONCERNED 

ALICE 

What are you doing? 

NILES 

Oh just thinking aloud. (THINKS) You know Alice you can help me. Let's play a game. If you were a videotape of Auntie Daphne where would you hide? 

ALICE 

Under the bed? 

NILES 

I have an idea. You know I may be able to see where she puts it through the crack in the door. 

NILES GOES TO EXIT TOWARDS DAPHNE'S ROOM 

ALICE 

But what about the game? 

NILES 

Keep playing. 

NILES EXITS INTO DAPHNE'S ROOM. ALICE STANDS, LOOKS AROUND THE ROOM AND THEN RUNS AND EXITS TOWARDS FRASIER'S ROOM 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S BEDROOM — CONTINUOUS

ALICE ENTERS INTO FRASIER'S ROOM BEFORE GETTING ONTO HER KNEES AND CRAWLING AND HIDING UNDER FRASIER'S BED. FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS BATHROOM AND THEN EXITS

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS BEDROOM AND POURS A GLASS OF SHERRY AS DAPHNE AND NILES ENTER FROM DAPHNE'S ROOM 

DAPHNE 

You can pull that pouty and yet quite sexy face all you like but my answer is still no. 

NILES 

Oh please Daphne! 

DAPHNE 

No! 

DAPHNE EXITS INTO THE KITCHEN 

FRASIER 

It's okay Niles, you just have to get used to it. The same thing happened between Lilith and I. As soon as she was pregnant she just wasn't interested in sex anymore no matter how much I begged and pleaded. It's quite common don't worry about it. Does that make you feel any better? 

NILES 

Only about a hundred times worse. I wanted to watch a tape of Daphne's television show. This has nothing to do with sex. 

FRASIER 

Oh I see...well I'm sure it won't happen to you two. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN 

DAPHNE 

Where has Alice gone? 

FRASIER 

(TO DAPHNE) I thought she was with you. 

DAPHNE 

(TO NILES) I thought she was with you. 

NILES 

(TO FRASIER) I thought she was with you. 

FRASIER 

Okay now that we've established whom we all thought she was with, can we actually work out where she is? 

DAPHNE SEES THE FRONT DOOR AJAR AND POINTS 

DAPHNE 

Oh no Dr. Crane. The door. 

AS FRASIER RUSHES TO THE FRONT DOOR AND LOOKS OUTSIDE WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(D) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Daphne, Niles, Martin, Bob, Mrs. Roberts) 

FRASIER, NILES AND DAPHNE STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM PANICKING 

FRASIER 

Okay who was the last person to see her? 

DAPHNE 

I was in my room. 

FRASIER 

I was changing. 

A BEAT 

NILES 

So technically that would be Eddie then? 

FRASIER 

You left her on her own? 

NILES 

I thought she'd be fine for the mere twenty seconds that I was out of the room. I didn't expect her to spontaneously combust. No one warned me children had the tendency to do that. They should come with warnings tattooed on their foreheads. 

FRASIER 

Okay nobody panic. Before we start to search the building are we sure that she's not in the apartment? 

DAPHNE 

I'll check your father's room. 

DAPHNE EXITS TOWARDS MARTIN'S ROOM AS FRASIER OPENS THE BATHROOM DOOR AND LOOKS INSIDE. NILES STANDS FOR A MOMENT BEFORE LOOKING BEHIND ONE OF THE SOFA CUSHIONS 

FRASIER 

She's not going to be behind the sofa cushion Niles. 

NILES 

No you don't understand. Daphne has hidden that tape from me. I have a feeling she may have tricked me and left it in here instead. 

FRASIER 

Let me get this straight, you're looking for a videotape of Daphne instead of Alice. 

NILES 

Ah so you do understand. 

FRASIER 

Forget the tape and look for Alice. 

MARTIN ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

MARTIN 

I forgot my wallet. 

FRASIER 

Oh Dad thank goodness you're back. Alice is missing. 

MARTIN 

How did that happen? 

FRASIER 

Well Niles was... 

MARTIN 

It's okay you don't need to say anymore. 

NILES 

I can't tell you how much confidence this gives me. 

MARTIN 

Hey I saw that bag of flour. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM MARTIN'S ROOM 

DAPHNE 

She's not there. 

FRASIER 

Okay let's split up. Dad you come with me. Niles you start in the lobby in case she went in the elevator. 

DAPHNE 

I'll nip to Roz's and see if she knows of any place that she's likely to go. 

FRASIER 

Try not to let on what's happened to Roz, there's no need for her to panic. Okay let's go. 

NILES LOOKS IN THE FIREPLACE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

We're looking for Alice Niles, not a videotape! 

NILES 

What do I do if I find her? 

MARTIN 

Well the obvious thing would be to bring her back to the apartment so I'll go with shoot her with a tranquilliser dart and then drag her through the streets by a horse. 

NILES 

That's very amusing. 

FRASIER 

Just go and look for her. 

FRASIER, MARTIN, NILES AND DAPHNE ALL EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

RESET TO: 

INT. 19TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER, MARTIN, NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER. NILES AND DAPHNE PRESS AND WAIT FOR THE ELEVATOR AS FRASIER AND MARTIN EXIT AROUND THE CORNER 

RESET TO: 

INT. 19TH FLOOR CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER AND MARTIN ENTER FROM AROUND THE CORNER TO A CORRIDOR WITH MORE APARTMENT DOORS ON EITHER SIDE 

MARTIN 

What do we do now? 

FRASIER 

Start knocking on doors I guess, to see if anyone's seen her. 

FRASIER KNOCKS ON THE FIRST DOOR THAT HE COMES TO. AFTER A BRIEF MOMENT, BOB, A MAN WEARING A DRESSING GOWN AND A PAIR OF WELDING GOGGLES OPENS THE DOOR 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Hello? Can I speak with you for a moment please? 

BOB 

What do you want? 

FRASIER 

You haven't by any chance seen a little girl about so high, brown hair, sticky face. 

BOB 

What business of it is yours if I have? 

FRASIER 

You see it's my friend's daughter and I've lost her. 

BOB 

That was very careless of you. That doesn't make you much of a friend does it? 

FRASIER 

Granted but that doesn't help me a lot. 

BOB 

Look it's no fault of mine that you've thrown away a child with the trash. I didn't do it. I was just minding my own business but am I allowed to do that? No. You make it seem like there's something wrong with a man who likes to sit in his underwear watching reruns of Jeopardy! Answering all the questions and thinking my God Alex Trebek is just the handsomest man in the world. I'm not freak, you hear! I am a person. 

BOB SLAMS THE DOOR IN FRASIER'S FACE 

FRASIER 

I think it may be time that we moved to another building. 

THEY MOVE TO THE NEXT DOOR AND MARTIN KNOCKS ON IT 

MARTIN 

I'll knock this time. You have no people skills. 

FRASIER 

I am a trained mental health expert. 

MARTIN 

Then maybe you should go back across the hall and try to help that guy. 

FRASIER 

I said I'm an expert, not a miracle worker. 

MRS. ROBERTS, AN ELDERLY WOMAN OPENS THE DOOR 

MARTIN 

Hello, we're... 

MRS. ROBERTS 

Oh my God! You're Dr. Frasier Crane! I was told you lived in this building, but I didn't believe it until I'd seen it with my own eyes. You're not at all what I imagined you'd look like in person. Could you be any handsomer? 

FRASIER 

Well I could try, but why tamper with perfection. 

MARTIN 

Oh jeez. We're looking... 

MRS. ROBERTS 

Please come in. It would be an honour to have you in my home. Or as I like to call it my house of worship. 

FRASIER AND MARTIN FOLLOW MRS. ROBERTS AND EXIT INSIDE 

RESET TO: 

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER, MARTIN AND MRS. ROBERTS ENTER INTO THE ROOM. THE ROOM IS DECORATED IN VARIOUS PICTURES OF FRASIER MADE FROM EVERY MATERIAL IMAGINABLE 

FRASIER 

(SHOCKED) Oh my! 

MRS. ROBERTS 

Please sit down. You must be exhausted from helping people all day long. I'm Doreen. Doreen Roberts. I know this is a little forward of me but could I possibly trouble you for an autograph? 

FRASIER AND MARTIN RATHER HESITANTLY SIT DOWN 

FRASIER 

Of course. 

MRS. ROBERTS 

Let me find a pen. I'll be right back. 

MRS. ROBERTS EXITS THROUGH A DOOR ON THE RIGHT HAND WALL. AS SOON AS SHE HAS LEFT THE ROOM FRASIER AND MARTIN SPRING TO THEIR FEET TO LOOK AT THE ROOM 

MARTIN 

Well this is kind of creepy. She's obsessed. All that's missing is a photo of you behind a row of burning candles and some monkey hair. 

FRASIER 

Don't exaggerate. What's the harm in a few photos? 

MARTIN 

This one has a speech bubble that says 'I love you Doreen.' 

FRASIER 

Well that's not so bad. What's the harm in a little fantasy? 

MARTIN 

A picture of you made out of pasta. 

FRASIER 

Well...that's very creative. 

MARTIN 

And a semi-naked glove puppet. 

FRASIER 

(QUICKLY) And we're out of here. 

FRASIER AND MARTIN RUSH TO THE FRONT DOOR. MARTIN TURNS THE HANDLE BUT IT WON'T OPEN 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

What's the matter? Let's go! 

MARTIN 

The doors locked. 

FRASIER 

What?!? 

MARTIN 

It's locked. 

MRS. ROBERTS ENTERS WITH A PEN 

MRS. ROBERTS 

What are you doing? 

FRASIER AND MARTIN BOTH FREEZE 

FRASIER 

Nothing. Just admiring the door panelling. 

MRS. ROBERTS 

Please sit down. 

MARTIN 

(TO FRASIER) You first. 

FRASIER GOES TO SIT DOWN 

MRS. ROBERTS 

Oh please here, let me move that for you. A special guest like you doesn't have to sit on plastic. 

AS MRS. ROBERTS REMOVES THE PLASTIC FROM THE COUCH WE: 

FADE OUT 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. ROZ'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY/2   
(Daphne, Roz) 

ROZ LIES WRAPPED IN A BLANKET ON THE COUCH SURROUNDED BY MAGAZINES AND EMPTY GLASSES WITH THE TELEVISION BLARING. DAPHNE ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND SEEING ROZ WATCHING THE TELEVISION LIGHTLY KNOCKS ON THE DOOR TO GET HER ATTENTION 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Hello Roz. It's Daphne. How are you feeling? 

DAPHNE SITS DOWN ON A CHAIR NEXT TO THE COUCH 

ROZ 

Daphne! Oh it's Daphne. (TURNS TO THE EMPTY CHAIR NEXT TO HER) Look it's Daphne. Oh there's no one else here. Well where did they go? Hello Daphne. How are you today Daphne? Daphne, Daphne, Daphne. You know I just love your name you know... 

DAPHNE 

Daphne? 

ROZ 

No that's not it. 

DAPHNE 

I assure you it is. 

ROZ 

I think I know my own name and it's not Daphne. I always liked the name Howard. I wish I knew a Howard, or an Archibald. Not for any particular reason. But if they have names like that they probably need some friends and to move out of their mothers basement. 

DAPHNE 

Roz are you feeling okay? 

ROZ 

I wasn't, but then the lovely, lovely doctor at the hospital gave me something to take the edge off. He's such a lovely doctor. Lovely, lovely. If I had a butterfly net I'd catch him to keep in a cage in my bedroom and feed him peanut butter off a stick all day long. 

DAPHNE 

That's...nice. 

ROZ 

You don't think that's cruel do you? 

DAPHNE 

What keeping the lovely, lovely doctor in a cage? 

ROZ 

No feeding him peanut butter? 

DAPHNE 

Only if you give him jelly to go with it. Now that would be cruel. Possibly even a crime against humanity. Listen Roz I really need to talk to you about something. 

ROZ TAKES DAPHNE'S HAND VERY SYMPATHETICALLY 

ROZ 

I knew this was coming. It was only a matter of time before you found out the truth. It's about Niles isn't it? Don't worry I'm here for you. 

DAPHNE 

No it's...wait a second what does that mean? What about Niles? 

ROZ 

It's okay, I've known for years. 

DAPHNE 

Known what for years? 

ROZ 

He's actually gay isn't he? It's okay you can tell me. 

DAPHNE 

As much as I know you want to believe that about him, sadly it's not true. 

ROZ 

But he's so prissy and girly. He's even more prissy then Alice. Oh Alice. I have a daughter. Did you know that? I love my daughter. 

DAPHNE 

And on that subject Roz does Alice have any special places that she likes to hide? 

ROZ 

Nope. 

DAPHNE 

No place that she keeps going? 

ROZ 

You mean like pre-school? 

DAPHNE 

Places that she goes on her own without you knowing? 

ROZ 

If she goes without my knowing, I don't know, now do I? You haven't thought this through very well have you Daphne? 

DAPHNE 

Okay, good point. Has she ever wondered off anywhere? 

ROZ 

Once I found her in the kitchen when I thought she was in the bedroom. 

DAPHNE 

That's not really what I was aiming for. Okay I'm going to be honest with you since you're as high as a kite and you probably won't remember. Roz, we've lost Alice in the building. Is there any place that she's likely to hide? 

ROZ 

You're real funny. 

DAPHNE 

Roz did you understand what I just said? 

ROZ 

I think I'm going to take a nap. 

DAPHNE 

Can we finish talking first? 

ROZ 

We can finish after the nap. Come on take a nap with me. 

ROZ WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND DAPHNE 

DAPHNE 

Roz I really don't have time. 

ROZ 

Oh there's always time for a nap. Nap with me. Nap with me. 

ROZ WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND DAPHNE SO THAT SHE'S TRAPPED AND UNABLE TO MOVE 

DAPHNE 

I really can't Roz. (PAUSE) Roz? (PAUSE) Roz? (PAUSE) Roz? 

ROZ STARTS TO SNORE AND DAPHNE IS UNABLE TO MOVE 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Perfect. 

AS DAPHNE SIGHS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

TITLE CARD: "THE SIGHT OF WOOL MAKES HIM BREAK OUT" 

FADE IN: 

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM — AFTERNOON — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Girl, Mrs. Roberts, Police, Daphne) 

MARTIN SITS ON THE COUCH AS FRASIER PACES BACK AND FORTH BEHIND IT WITH HIS CELL PHONE PRESSED TO HIS EAR 

FRASIER 

(ON PHONE) Hello? Yes hello. This is Dr. Frasier Crane, you may have heard of me. Not to your knowledge? I have my own radio show. I'm a psychiatrist. What do you mean you haven't heard of me? 

MARTIN 

(BRINGING HIM BACK TO HIS POINT) Frasier! 

FRASIER 

(ON PHONE) Well that's not important. I'm being held hostage. No I can't speak up or she'll hear me. The woman who is holding me and my father captive obviously. We're in apartment 1908 at the Elliot Bay Towers. Well she's about five feet, grey hair, around eighty years old. Why are you laughing at me? (TO MARTIN) Dad they're laughing at me. You speak to them. 

MARTIN 

No way. I might know some of those guys I don't want them to know you're been terrorised by a woman with blue hair and removable teeth. 

FRASIER 

What do you mean "you"? 

MARTIN 

I told you it'll be fine. Just ask her for the key. 

FRASIER 

Look at her apartment. A woman this unbalanced is likely to snap like a twig at the drop of a hat. And although I don't want to I'll use you as a human shield if I have to. (ON PHONE) I tell you she's armed. With a cane. It's a long one! Stop laughing at me and come here and save me. Thank you. Goodbye. (HANGS UP THE PHONE) They're not coming are they? 

MARTIN 

I don't think so. What do you want to do now? Other then try to beat her to death with her glove puppets. 

FRASIER 

Look how fat she's made me. 

MARTIN 

Yeah because that's the most important thing right now with Alice lost somewhere. 

FRASIER 

Noted. 

MARTIN 

Just let me ask her for the key. 

FRASIER 

No. I've already told you she might lash out, she has very sharp nails and I scratch very easily. (THEN) You don't happen to have a hairpin do you? 

MARTIN 

Yeah let me just take it out of my bun. You know I've always wanted to look more like Lilith. When have I ever carried a hairpin around with me? 

FRASIER 

Surprisingly enough, that's not helping. 

MARTIN 

Ask Mrs. Roberts. 

FRASIER 

I should ask the slightly frightening and rather insane woman who has locked us in her house for a hairpin? You don't think she's going to want to know what I want it for? 

MARTIN 

That's a good point. You have no hair to put it in. What about the window if you're so hell bent on escape? 

FRASIER 

What about it? 

MARTIN 

Climb out the window. 

FRASIER 

You want me to climb out of the window onto a tiny ledge nineteen stories in the air? 

MARTIN 

Yeah. 

FRASIER 

Do you listen to yourself before you speak? 

MARTIN 

What's your problem? 

FRASIER 

Well top of the list might be falling to my death and being embedded in the floor. And that's just off the top of my head. 

MARTIN 

Can't you climb up to the next floor? 

FRASIER 

With what? I don't have my super hero utility belt. I didn't think I'd need it today and besides it clashes with these pants. 

MARTIN 

Well it's either the window or facing the possibility that Mrs. Roberts might glue you to a chair and pluck your hair out one by one before feeding you pigeon's feet. 

FRASIER 

I thought you said you thought she was harmless. 

MARTIN 

I do but I just love to see you freaked out. 

FRASIER 

Wait a second how did you come up with that? 

MARTIN 

You forget, I was a cop. 

SFX: FRASIER'S CELL PHONE

FRASIER ANSWERS HIS PHONE QUICKLY SO THAT MRS. ROBERTS DOESN'T HEAR 

FRASIER 

(ON PHONE) Hello? 

RESET TO: 

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES STANDS IN A DARK CORRIDOR COVERED IN DIRT HOLDING HIS CELL PHONE TO HIS EAR LOOKING REALLY STRESSED 

NILES 

Oh thank God Frasier! I need your help. 

RESET TO: 

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

What's the matter? 

RESET TO: 

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES 

I'm lost. 

RESET TO: 

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

What do you mean you're lost? Lost where? 

RESET TO: 

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES 

If I knew where I was lost, I wouldn't be lost now would I? 

RESET TO: 

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

Well where are you? 

RESET TO: 

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES 

I don't know where I am that's the point. What part of this don't you understand? 

RESET TO: 

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

All right Niles. Calm down. 

RESET TO: 

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES 

I can't calm down. It's dark and scary down here and smells like the depths of hell. You've got to come and find me. 

RESET TO: 

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

We can't right now. 

RESET TO: 

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES 

Why not? 

RESET TO: 

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

We're trapped in the apartment of an elderly lady. She won't let us leave. She's locked the door. 

RESET TO: 

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES 

Okay let's compare notes. I'm trapped in some dark, musty smelling hell where I might be killed at any moment by a beast and you're in a woman's apartment. Why is life so cruel to you? 

RESET TO: 

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

It's not what it seems. She's locked us in she's insane. 

RESET TO: 

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES 

Why has she locked you in? 

RESET TO: 

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

She's a fan of my show. 

RESET TO: 

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES 

Dear God she truly is insane. (SHOUTS) Now I feel for you Frasier I really do but I would like to get out of here in time for my wedding and before my child is born! 

RESET TO: 

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

Fine describe something around you. 

RESET TO: 

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES MOVES AROUND AND RESTS NEXT TO A LARGE CAGE STRETCHING FROM THE CEILING TO THE FLOOR 

NILES 

A cage. 

RESET TO: 

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

What like a zoo cage or a birdcage? 

RESET TO: 

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES 

More like a cell. 

RESET TO: 

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

Are you sure you're still in the building? 

RESET TO: 

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES 

I don't know that's why I'm calling you. 

NILES SUDDENLY FLINCHES AND LEAPS FORWARD 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Oh my God! What is that? Get off me get off me! 

RESET TO: 

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

What's the matter? 

RESET TO: 

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES STARTS TO RUN DOWN THE CORRIDOR BRUSHING DOWN HIS BACK AS HE GOES 

NILES 

I'm being chased by something. 

RESET TO: 

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

Then grab a hold of something sharp to beat it to death with. 

RESET TO: 

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES STOPS AND STARTS TO BEAT HIS BACK WITH HIS CELL PHONE 

NILES 

Take that you brute! 

NILES SUDDENLY STOPS 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Oh never mind. 

RESET TO: 

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS 

FRASIER 

You haven't just clubbed Alice to death have you? 

RESET TO: 

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES 

No it was a long piece of cotton attached to my sweater. Oh wait I see a sign. It says storage space. What do you think that means? 

RESET TO: 

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

I think that it means you're in the storage space and that you're not getting enough oxygen to the brain. 

RESET TO: 

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES 

Don't mock me I've had a traumatic experience. 

RESET TO: 

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

Oh yes dusty old furniture and a piece of cotton, how are you capable of rational thought? Just find Alice will you! 

RESET TO: 

INT. DARK CORRIDOR — CONTINUOUS

NILES 

Fine. 

NILES HANGS UP HIS PHONE AND LOOKS AT THE DIRT ON HIS HANDS 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Oh dear God I'm going to be showering for a week. 

NILES OPENS THE DOOR AT THE END OF THE CORRIDOR AND EXITS THROUGH IT 

RESET TO: 

INT. PARKING GARAGE — CONTINUOUS

NILES ENTERS INTO THE PARKING GARAGE AND LOOKS AROUND. TO THE RIGHT OF THE DOOR IS A LITTLE GIRL DRESSED SIMILAR TO ALICE SITTING DOWN 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Alice! There you are! Why did you run off like that? Oh well never mind, the most important thing is that I've found you now. Let's get back to Uncle Frasier's. 

AS NILES GRABS THE LITTLE GIRLS HAND AND FORCES HER TO FOLLOW HIM WE: 

RESET TO: 

INT. MRS. ROBERTS LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN IS STILL SITTING ON THE COUCH AS FRASIER PACES ABOUT LIKE A CAGED ANIMAL 

FRASIER 

Okay here's what we're going to do. You're going to flirt with her and distract her while I grab the keys and make a run for it. 

MARTIN 

And leave me here? 

FRASIER 

That was going to be my plan yes. And since she's harmless there's no need to worry is there? 

MARTIN 

Why don't you distract her? You're the one that's got us in this situation to begin with. 

FRASIER 

This is all my fault? Well I guess if I wasn't so appealing to women then we wouldn't be trapped here. 

MARTIN 

Oh jeez open up a window. 

MRS. ROBERTS ENTERS WITH A TRAY OF COFFEE 

MRS. ROBERTS 

And here we go. A lovely pot of coffee. 

FRASIER RATHER NERVOUSLY SITS DOWN 

FRASIER 

Great thank you. 

MRS. ROBERTS 

You know I'm your biggest fan. 

FRASIER 

I can see that yes. 

MRS. ROBERTS 

Do I mind if I sit next to you? 

FRASIER 

Not at all. (TO MARTIN) Don't you dare leave me! 

MRS. ROBERTS 

Pardon? 

MRS. ROBERTS SITS DOWN 

FRASIER 

Nothing. 

MRS. ROBERTS 

I remember the very first time your show was broadcast. 

FRASIER 

So do I. 

MRS. ROBERTS 

We have such a lot in common. 

SFX: KNOCKING ON THE DOOR

POLICE 

(OFF STAGE) Open up Police. 

FRASIER LEAPS TO HIS FEET 

FRASIER 

(SHOUTS) Oh thank God! We're in here! 

CONFUSED MRS. ROBERTS OPENS THE FRONT DOOR, KICKING THE BOTTOM BEFORE SHE TURNS THE HANDLE AND TWO POLICE OFFICERS ENTER

MRS. ROBERTS 

What's going on? 

FRASIER 

There she is officer arrest her. 

MRS. ROBERTS 

Arrest me for what? It's only illegal to tare the tags off my sofa cushions not to remove the plastic. 

FRASIER 

I meant for holding us hostage. 

MRS. ROBERTS 

Excuse me? 

FRASIER 

You locked us in. 

MRS. ROBERTS 

I most certainly did not. 

FRASIER 

Then why wouldn't the door open when we turned the handle? 

MRS. ROBERTS 

Because the door sticks. You have to kick it at the bottom before it'll open. 

FRASIER 

Ah...well that changes things a bit. 

MARTIN EDGES HIS WAY TOWARDS THE DOOR AND TRIES TO LEAVE UNNOTICED 

MRS. ROBERTS 

You thought I was holding you hostage? 

FRASIER 

Hostage is a little harsh, how about captive? 

POLICE 

Aren't you Marty Crane? 

MARTIN 

No, you must have me confused with someone else. 

POLICE 

I'm sure I've seen you at the station. 

MARTIN 

Honestly you must be thinking of someone else. 

MRS. ROBERTS 

And to think I used to be a fan of your show. 

FRASIER 

It's not a great leap to come to the conclusion that we...I did. Look at your apartment. 

MRS. ROBERTS 

I make these things to sell at auction to raise funds for the PBS Pledge drive when you perform. 

FRASIER 

I see. But what about this picture? 

FRASIER POINTS TO THE PICTURE WITH THE SPEECH BUBBLE 

MRS. ROBERTS 

That was a gift from PBS for all the hard work I do. 

FRASIER 

I seem to have made a bit of a blunder here. 

MARTIN 

Just a bit. 

FRASIER 

Well I'd best be leaving. 

FRASIER AND MARTIN EXIT EXTREMELY HURRIEDLY 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MOMENTS LATER

DAPHNE PLACES THE PHONE BACK ON THE CHARGER AS FRASIER AND MARTIN ENTER

DAPHNE 

Where have you two been? 

FRASIER 

Hauled up like prisoners. 

MARTIN 

Did Roz give you any idea where she might go? 

DAPHNE 

Well Roz might go slightly insane but that's neither here nor there. Niles called. He found her. They're on their way up. 

FRASIER 

Oh thank God. 

ALICE ENTERS FROM FRASIER'S ROOM 

ALICE 

Why hasn't anyone been to look for me? 

FRASIER 

Alice! Oh it's so good to see you. Where's Uncle Niles? 

FRASIER RUSHES OVER TO ALICE AND PICKS HER UP AND HUGS HER. NILES ENTERS PULLING THE LITTLE GIRL BY THE HAND 

NILES 

Here we are. Look who I found. 

FRASIER, MARTIN AND DAPHNE ALL STOP AND STARE AT NILES 

MARTIN 

Niles, who's that? 

NILES 

And to think we sent you out to look for her and you don't even know what she looks like. It's Alice. 

DAPHNE 

Niles, that's not Alice. 

NILES 

Yes it is. 

FRASIER 

No this is Alice. 

NILES 

Then who's this? 

GIRL 

I want my mommy. 

MARTIN 

Oh my God Niles! 

NILES 

I'm sorry I thought this was Alice. Don't look at me like that! It's an easy mistake to make under the circumstances. 

DAPHNE 

Oh my God you're going to have lost our child and confused it with a stray cat before we even reach the hospital parking lot. 

NILES 

So what does this mean? 

FRASIER 

You've kidnapped a little girl that's what it means. 

NILES 

What do I do now? 

MARTIN 

Plead insanity? 

DAPHNE 

Just go back to where you found him and explain the situation as best you can. 

NILES 

I may not know the difference between one child and another but at least I know she's a girl. 

DAPHNE 

That's because I was talking to her. 

THE LITTLE GIRL TAKES NILES BY THE HAND AND LEADS HIM TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR 

GIRL 

Come on I'll take you back. 

NILES AND THE LITTLE GIRL EXIT AS MARTIN SHAKES HIS HEAD AT THEM 

FRASIER 

Alice you scared us. 

ALICE 

I was playing hide and seek the videotape with Uncle Niles but he didn't come and look for me. 

DAPHNE 

All this because of that tape? 

FRASIER 

Well the most important thing is that we've found you now. 

MARTIN 

And even more importantly let's not tell you mother about this. 

FRASIER 

Good idea. Let's keep it a secret. 

SFX: PHONE RINGING

ALICE 

Okay. 

DAPHNE CROSSES TO ANSWER THE PHONE 

FRASIER 

She'll never find out. 

DAPHNE 

(ON PHONE) Hello? 

DAPHNE SUDDENLY PULLS THE PHONE AWAY FROM HER EAR 

FRASIER 

That's Roz isn't it? 

DAPHNE 

Yes it is. 

FRASIER 

She knows doesn't she? 

DAPHNE 

Yes she does. 

FRASIER 

Someone please shoot me now. 

AS FRASIER TAKES THE PHONE OFF DAPHNE WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: NILES STANDS IN THE PARKING LOT LOST AGAIN, PACING UP AND DOWN TALKING ON HIS CELL PHONE. AFTER A MOMENT DAPHNE ENTERS FROM A SIDE DOOR TALKING ON THEIR PHONE. WHEN THEY SEE ONE ANOTHER THEY BOTH HANG UP AND NILES RUSHES TO DAPHNE HUGGING HER. DAPHNE TAKES HIS HAND AND LEADS HIM BACK UP TO THE APARTMENT AGAIN 


	23. Episode TwentyThree

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Grub Street Productions and Paramount Pictures. _

_Thank you to Jodie for reading through this once and to the two people who sent me feedback last time. Any comments would be appreciated so send them to kelly_simba@hotmail.com. Even if you just e-mail me to say, "ooh look there's a bird in the garden", I don't mind. _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Nine Episode Twenty-Three   
Invasion of the Party Snatchers 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

TITLE CARD: "BUT THEY CAN CRY IF THEY WANT TO" 

FADE IN: 

INT. CAFÉ NERVOSA — LATE MORNING — DAY — DAY/1   
(Roz, Daphne, Waiter, Niles, Frasier, Waiter #2) 

ROZ AND DAPHNE SIT IN THE MIDDLE OF NERVOSA IN MID CONVERSATION. DAPHNE, WHO HAS HER BACK TO THE DOOR, IS DRINKING A GLASS OF ORANGE JUICE, WHILE ROZ, SITTING OPPOSITE HAS A CUP OF COFFEE 

ROZ 

Have you seen the new waiter? 

DAPHNE 

I don't think so. What does he look like? 

ROZ 

Only like the most beautiful human specimen you will ever see in your entire life. When I saw him I gasped. I mean literally gasped. I'm shocked he's not been sculpted out of marble. He's so perfect that when God made him, he broke the mould. Honestly he's so pretty I just want to devour him whole. 

DAPHNE 

So I'm guessing that he might be quite good looking then? Once again you're being just a tad too subtle Roz. 

DAPHNE INDICATES TOWARDS A WAITER BY THE COUNTER 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Is that him over there? 

ROZ 

Who? Frowning guy or Third nipple guy? 

DAPHNE 

Okay I know who Frowning guy is, although if he carries on like this he might soon be know as Constantly Looking Constipated Guy, but which one is third nipple guy? 

ROZ 

That guy over there drinking the left over coffee from that table. Oh my God that's disgusting. That guy sitting there had an open sore on his lip. 

DAPHNE 

I still don't see him. 

ROZ 

Over there. The one whose face is so flat it's like he's been hit repeatedly with a swing door. But it doesn't matter, that's not him. 

DAPHNE 

Then which...(THINKS) wait a second. I just thought of something. How do you know he has a third nipple? Roz? It's not like you'd know about it because it's on his forehead or he took an ad out in the newspaper. 

ROZ 

(OBVIOUSLY LYING) Erm...he just has that shifty look about him. You know like he has something odd to hide. 

DAPHNE 

Well I've always thought that too. But I always thought he was the kind of guy to be hiding a bunch of decapitated squirrels in the trunk of his car. Along with his bound and gagged semi naked mother smeared in meat paste. But that still doesn't explain how you know he has a third nipple. 

ROZ 

Well isn't it obvious? You can see it through his shirt. When the wind blows in the right direction it gets so big it's like a little lighthouse. (PAUSES) Only it doesn't flash. (CRUMBLING) Oh all right fine, we may have had a thing. Are you happy now? 

DAPHNE 

No not really. I'm never going to be able to order from him again now knowing that's looking at me through the gap in his shirt. It's a bit cruel calling him Third Nipple Guy though isn't it? 

ROZ 

His real name is Dwayne. 

DAPHNE 

Ah well suddenly Third Nipple Guy sounds really quite friendly considering what his parents inflicted him with. 

ROZ 

No parent can say hand on heart that they love their child when they give them such an awful name. It makes you wonder how the other kids didn't beat him to death with a stick after showering in gym class in school. 

A WAITER ENTERS FROM THE DOORWAY BEHIND THE COUNTER. ROZ SEES HIM ALMOST IMMEDIATELY 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Oh great here he is. Standing behind the counter. 

ROZ STOPS DRINKING HER COFFEE IN MID SIP AND GOES OFF INTO A DAY DREAM BUT WHILE STILL HOLDING HER CUP TO HER MOUTH 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Is it just me or is it getting hot in here? 

DAPHNE 

You're holding your coffee too close to your face. 

ROZ PUTS HER CUP DOWN BUT STILL CONTINUES TO STARE AT THE WAITER 

ROZ 

Oh my God. 

DAPHNE 

He's good looking Roz but I wouldn't call him an "oh my God." 

ROZ 

Well you would say that, you're used to Niles for God's sake. 

THE WAITER COMES FROM BEHIND THE COUNTER AND GOES TO WALK PAST ROZ AND DAPHNE'S TABLE 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Oh wait look at this I'll change your mind. 

JUST AS THE WAITER GOES TO PASS THE TABLE ROZ DROPS HER SPOON ON THE FLOOR 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Oops. 

THE WAITER BENDS DOWN GIVING ROZ AND DAPHNE A CLEAR VIEW OF HIS REAR END AND PICKS UP THE SPOON BEFORE PUTTING IT BACK ON THE TABLE 

WAITER 

Here you go ma'am. 

ROZ 

Thank you. 

THE WAITER MOVES OFF TO CLEAR A TABLE 

DAPHNE 

Wow, they're like a couple of cherry tomatos. 

ROZ 

And I just really want to bite them. 

DAPHNE 

Well I wouldn't advise it unless you fancy being strip-searched by some large loafer wearing female warden at a women's prison. 

ROZ 

Oh fine. You spoil all my fun. I've dropped my spoon four times already today and he still keeps right on clenching, bending down and picking it up. So if I did bite them I wouldn't be totally to blame. He keeps provoking me. 

DAPHNE 

I can see your point but I'm not sure a judge would. 

ROZ 

I don't know if he's just stupid or a real gentleman. Personally I don't mind which. They both have their advantages. (THEN) So two weeks before the wedding you must be getting pretty excited. 

DAPHNE 

About finally getting married yes I am but as for having the Manchester sector of Alcoholics Anonymous inflicted on the city and making my life a living hell, I wake up in violent cold sweats about it. Niles has taken to sleeping on the floor because he's getting scared of me. Last week I accidentally split his lip with my pillow while I dreamt about stuffing it down Simon's throat. 

ROZ 

You have such a loving family. When's your bridal shower? 

DAPHNE 

I'm not having one. 

ROZ 

What do you mean you're not having one? You have to have one. It's a rule. A wedding tradition. Like having a minister who sweats so much you have to wear a life preserver to float out the church door. 

DAPHNE 

All ministers do that. If they didn't they'd explode. 

ROZ 

A bridal shower is as traditional as everyone getting so drunk they go partially blind and have no memory of how much they embarrassed themselves the night before. It's as traditional as the maid of honour sleeping with the best man. 

DAPHNE 

You do realise Dr. Crane is Niles' best man? 

ROZ 

Well some rules are made to be broken except the bridal shower. 

DAPHNE 

It would be nice to have an old-fashioned hen night. 

ROZ 

Oh this'll be great! I'll organise everything. We'll have lots of party games, strippers dressed in tiny thongs and alcohol. 

DAPHNE INDICATES HER STOMACH 

DAPHNE 

Erm...aren't you forgetting something? 

FRASIER AND NILES ENTER AND APPROACH THE TABLE 

ROZ 

That doesn't stop me from drinking and hitting on the stripper. 

NILES 

I don't believe even being confined to a retirement home, put on sedatives and strapped to your bed would stop you from that Roz. I'm not even sure death would stop you. 

DAPHNE 

Hello cheeky. 

NILES AND DAPHNE KISS BEFORE BOTH AND HE AND FRASIER SIT DOWN. WAITER #2 APPROACHES THE TABLE TO TAKE THE ORDER AS ROZ HIDES HER FACE FROM HIM 

FRASIER 

A latte and a bottled water when you're ready please. What's all this about a stripper? 

WAITER #2 MOVES BEHIND THE COUNTER AS ROZ UNCOVERS HER FACE 

ROZ 

I'm throwing Daphne a bridal shower. And what is a bridal shower without at least one beautifully glistening and gyrating stripper in a pair of hot pants? 

NILES SUDDENLY STARTS TO COUGH VIOLENTLY 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

What's wrong with you? 

NILES 

Excuse me I think I may have swallowed my tongue. A stripper? 

ROZ 

Oh don't worry about it Niles nothing will happen we're not allowed to touch them. On the other hand they can touch us as much as they like. 

FRASIER 

(TO NILES) That's a first. I've never seen you go quite that pale before. 

DAPHNE 

Oh honey please don't worry about it. Firstly I haven't even said yes to the party yet and secondly if I do say yes there will not be any strippers within a hundred-metre radius of me. I promise. 

NILES 

Okay. 

ROZ 

(SOTTO TO DAPHNE) You're lying right? 

DAPHNE 

Of course. (TO NILES) No I'm not. 

WAITER #2 GOES TO APPROACH THE TABLE AGAIN CARRYING THEIR ORDER AS ROZ HIDES HER FACE FROM HIM AGAIN 

ROZ 

Okay here comes the guy. Take a look at his shirt but don't stare directly at it. We don't know what sort of powers it might have. 

DAPHNE 

You mean like mind control? 

ROZ 

Well you never know. Stranger things have happened. 

NILES 

What are you two talking about? 

WAITER #2 PLACES THE DRINKS ON THE TABLE BEFORE GOING BACK TO THE COUNTER. NILES STARES RATHER SHOCKED AFTER HIM 

FRASIER 

Thank you. 

NILES 

That man has a third nipple sticking out of his shirt. Shouldn't that be classed as indecent exposure? Or at least inbred Carnival folk behaviour? 

DAPHNE 

I think it winked at you. 

FRASIER 

And just when you thought this morning couldn't possibly get any stranger a third nipple appears out of nowhere. So when is this proposed bridal shower so I can clear my diary? 

DAPHNE 

Which may I add I haven't agreed to yet. 

ROZ 

Oh you're not invited. 

FRASIER 

Why not? 

ROZ 

It's girls only. 

DAPHNE 

Exactly so why can't they come? 

NILES 

I'm not invited? 

DAPHNE 

(TO ROZ) Do we have to have an all girls night? I'd much rather have an evening that we both can enjoy. We could all go out for dinner. 

ROZ 

Or even better we could all stay at home, soak our feet in warm water and knit woolly hats for the winter. For God's sake you two it's only for a few hours! You're not joined at the hip. You are allowed to spend one evening apart. And Niles there's nothing to stop you from having a bachelor party on the same night. Isn't there some sort of Mongolian film festival you could get all your wine club crony's together for and have a wild discussion about? 

FRASIER 

And you think that's our idea of a good time? 

ROZ 

No I don't believe you know how to have a good time. 

FRASIER 

Thank you Roz but I'll have you know we know how to have a good time. And just to prove it to you I'm going to throw Niles a bachelor party to end all bachelor parties. It will be so downright dirty that the FBI will stakeout the apartment and put us on the ten most wanted list. It will be studied for the rest of time as the greatest bachelor party of all time. 

DAPHNE 

You're going to sit around discussing the world's greatest thinkers aren't you? 

FRASIER 

Probably. 

NILES 

Actually Frasier as much as I appreciate the offer I'd rather just spend the evening with Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

I'll second that. 

ROZ 

You two don't get a say in this. 

NILES 

But they're our parties. 

FRASIER 

And you think that gives you some say as to what goes on? What world do you live in? 

AS NILES AND DAPHNE LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SIGH WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

FADE IN: 

INT. CATERERS — AFTERNOON — DAY — DAY/2   
(Frasier, Roz, Martin, Clerk) 

FRASIER, ROZ AND MARTIN ENTER INTO A VERY EXCLUSIVE LOOKING CATERERS. THE PLACE IS BEAUTIFULLY DECORATED AND WHILE FRASIER LOOKS AROUND IN ORE MARTIN AND ROZ LOOK A LITTLE OUT OF PLACE 

FRASIER 

Oh how very chic. Look at the marbled floor it's exquisite. 

ROZ 

In other words really expensive. I refuse to spend more money then what I spent on my car. I don't want to have to sell a kidney to pay for this shower you know Frasier because I'm still using both of them. 

FRASIER 

Would it hurt you to have one elegant evening out? 

ROZ 

No it wouldn't, but keep up that attitude and it'll hurt you. 

MARTIN 

This place is cleaner then the hospital. Are you sure that we shouldn't have walked through a pool of disinfectant before we came in here? 

ROZ 

Don't you mean bathe? 

FRASIER 

Look at the alcove. It's put one in mind of the Tate Modern. 

ROZ 

It also puts one in mind that they might want a blood and urine sample and a copy of our family trees before they'll serve us. 

FRASIER 

Oh stop being so elitist. 

ROZ 

How does that make me elitist? 

FRASIER 

You have a phobia of the elite class. 

MARTIN 

Exactly why did I have to come to this thing anyway? The game was on and I had a beer with my name on it. I can hear it calling me. 

FRASIER 

You're the one that wanted to come to the grocery store. 

MARTIN 

Yes but I only wanted some pork rinds. I didn't realise that after that I'd be herded into the back seat of the car like a beast, kidnapped and dragged here against my will. 

FRASIER 

Firstly you got in the back seat of the car under your own free will so it's hardly kidnapping. Secondly you're only in a store to order party food not in a dungeon forced to lick slime off a rock as your only meal for the rest of your life. 

MARTIN 

How long is this going to take? 

FRASIER 

The sooner you stop whining at me the sooner I'll be able to order and get the hell out of here. 

A CLERK ENTERS FROM BEHIND A COUNTER AND APPROACHES FRASIER 

CLERK 

Hello, can I help you? 

ROZ 

Yes we'd like to order some food please. 

CLERK 

Take a seat. What's the occasion? 

THE CLERK MOVES TOWARDS A TABLE AND CHAIRS IN THE RIGHT HAND SIDE AND SITS DOWN WITH FRASIER, ROZ AND MARTIN DOING THE SAME. THE TABLE IS COVERED WITH BROCHURES. THE CLERK TAKES OUT AN ORDER PAD 

FRASIER 

It's for a bridal shower and a bachelor party. 

CLERK 

Oh very nice. Am I to understand then that you would make you the best man and the maid of honour? 

MARTIN 

Yeah and I'm the annoyed old man with a cane who wants to go home and have a beer. Can we get on with this please? 

CLERK 

Okay. Speed is of the essence I see. We have several packages available at several price ranges. Here is a copy of our brochure. 

THE CLERK HANDS ALL THREE OF THEM A COPY OF THE BROCHURE THAT THEY STARTS TO FLICK THROUGH 

MARTIN 

What the hell kind of funky meat is that in meal package three? It looks like Eddie's dog food. 

FRASIER 

It's a type of pheasant prepared in... 

MARTIN 

Okay enough said. If you ask me if it doesn't come in the shape of a stick it's not party food. 

FRASIER 

Yes thank you Dad. It's precisely that kind of inept thinking that has resulted in fondue. My goodness duck à l'orange! 

ROZ 

You can't have duck à l'orange at a bachelor party. 

FRASIER 

Why not? 

ROZ 

Because this is supposed to be a bachelor party not a dinner party for an elderly Duchess. What's next? As entertainment are you going to have a wine tasting and a woman playing the harp? You're one step away from throwing a wake. You should be getting Niles drunk, taking him to Ohio, strip him naked and handcuff him to a street light along with a goat and a 'Just Married' sign. 

FRASIER 

Is it such a crime to want a hint of sophistication? 

MARTIN 

No but it's a crime to separate me from football. 

FRASIER 

All right Dad. 

ROZ 

I think I might opt for the bar-be-cue platter and finger foods. 

FRASIER 

Why stop there? Why don't you serve it out of a giant trough of chilli and garnish it with a couple of dead cats and a highly infectious fungal infection? You could have an illiterate boy playing the banjo and a slack jawed Hillbilly playing some spoons to serenade you while you eat. 

ROZ 

Fine. I knew I should have done this on my own. 

MARTIN 

You'd pay seventy-five bucks a head for duck?! Are you crazy? I'd go out to the lake by the woods for a week and shoot them for less then that. 

FRASIER 

Then good luck and off you go. But don't say I haven't warned you before about angry bears. And with your cane I doubt you'll be able to outrun them. 

MARTIN 

I don't know why you won't let McGinty's cater. They'd do you a great deal and the special is an onion loaf the size of your head. 

FRASIER 

Dad if you're going to ask and answer your own questions what do you need me for? 

CLERK 

Then might I recommend to you the option four mid range package? You'll get the best of both worlds. 

FRASIER 

Duck fingers and crab puffs? Huh. I suppose that would be acceptable under the circumstances. 

ROZ 

Fine. 

CLERK 

And how many shall we cater for? 

FRASIER 

Roughly twenty-five people. 

ROZ 

Yeah I'll say twenty-five. 

THE CLERK WRITES DOWN THIS INFORMATION 

CLERK 

Okay now beverages. 

ROZ 

Can I give you a tip? No wine that costs more then my building. 

FRASIER 

Okay. May I suggest nothing described just as alcohol and was probably distilled in a bathtub by a group of teenagers? 

ROZ 

Fine. 

CLERK 

So the mid range then? 

MARTIN 

Does that include plenty of beer? 

CLERK 

Yes. 

MARTIN 

I was just checking. 

CLERK 

We also do a range of balloons and banners for all occasions. 

THE CLERK HANDS FRASIER ANOTHER BROCHURE 

FRASIER 

Wonderful. Let me see the brochure. No, too garish. I really don't like purple. No. No. No. I think not. A selection for the blind maybe? I'm not really keen on caricatures. 

ROZ 

This may take a while. 

MARTIN 

I was thinking have Niles and Daphne actually agreed to either party yet? 

ROZ 

Not yet, but they will. 

FRASIER 

Honestly Dad do you have to over think absolutely everything? 

AS FRASIER CONTINUES TO FLICK THROUGH THE BROCHURE AND MARTIN LOOKS INCREASINGLY ANNOYED WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

TITLE CARD: "IT'S THE SEQUEL TO GOODBYE MR. CHIPS" 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — NIGHT — DAY/3   
(Martin, Frasier, Roz, Allison, Daphne, Niles, Deliveryman) 

FRASIER PACES BY THE FRONT DOOR AS ROZ SITS ON THE COUCH AND MARTIN SITS IN HIS CHAIR 

MARTIN 

Shouldn't you be setting up downstairs by now? 

FRASIER 

We're still waiting for the food to arrive. Stupidly enough when they said that they'd be here between nine and noon, I believed them. Well I simply will not stand for this treatment. What kind of service is this? They will not hear the end of this debacle. I shall now take matters into my own hands. 

ROZ 

You do know it's illegal to strangle the deliveryman right? 

FRASIER 

But it's perfectly legal to deny him a tip and give him a stern lecture he'll never forget. 

MARTIN 

Jeez will your reign of terror ever end? For the love of God, think of the children. 

FRASIER 

That's very amusing. 

ROZ 

So what exactly have you got planned for this evening? 

FRASIER 

Why? Are you afraid that mine is going to be the better party? 

ROZ 

If that happens I'll be more afraid that the world has ended. I was just curios about what you had planned. Something wild and rowdy? Watching a monster truck rally? Porn? 

FRASIER 

Actually if you must know we're going to get a little drunk, sit around and talk about sex. 

ROZ 

Really? 

FRASIER 

Oh yeah. All night long. 

ALLISON ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH A BOTTLE OF WATER AND SITS NEXT TO ROZ ON THE COUCH 

ALLISON 

Don't let him fool you. He's got a copy of Madama Butterfly on video and a crate of wine to have a blind taste off. 

FRASIER 

Thank you Allison. 

ROZ 

Ooh it sounds like a real riot. I guess that means you'll be late coming into work tomorrow oh master party planner? 

MARTIN 

Do I really have to go to this thing? 

FRASIER 

Yes you do Dad. This is Niles' bachelor party. And since Maris threatened him with a shotgun if he had one the first time he got married and the less said about the Mel saga the better, we have to make this one special. 

MARTIN 

Then can't I go to the bridal shower instead? 

FRASIER 

Why would you want to do that? 

MARTIN 

Well for starters a video of insane butterflies and obscenely wealthy men spitting wine around the room. I didn't do that as a kid. And at least I won't get shot there if I don't use a napkin. 

FRASIER 

Which is precisely the reason that we're having it downstairs in the rec room rather then up here. That way when the farm animals run about the room and the hilarity begins they won't destroy my carpet. 

ROZ 

Farm animals? The chickens won't be alive when they arrive you know Frasier. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER ROOM AND STANDS BY THE ISLAND PUTTING IN A PAIR OF EAR RINGS 

FRASIER 

Are you so convinced that I don't know how to show Niles a good time on his last night of freedom? 

DAPHNE 

Last night of freedom? That's nice. Do you think I'm going to chain him to the kitchen sink and only let him out for public holidays? 

ROZ 

No I know you can't do this Frasier. The last time you tried, you got yourself handcuffed to a stripper. Remember? 

ALLISON 

What? I never heard this story. 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER 

And you're not going to now. 

FRASIER CROSSES AND ANSWERS THE DOOR. NILES ENTERS

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Hello Niles. 

ROZ SUDDENLY SPRINGS TO HER FEET CAUSING NILES TO FREEZE TO THE LEFT HAND SIDE OF THE COUCH 

ROZ 

Oh my God Daphne go back to your room. Quick! 

DAPHNE 

Why? 

ROZ 

You're not supposed to see Niles. 

NILES 

Traditionally that's before the wedding not before the bridal shower Roz. 

FRASIER 

But it still applies tonight. 

NILES 

Why? 

FRASIER 

Because this is going to be a Daphne free evening Niles and that starts right now. 

DAPHNE 

You make me sound like a fungal disease. 

ROZ 

That's right. And you won't be having fun if you're together. 

DAPHNE 

Since I'm now pregnant I think we've already proved that little theory wrong. 

NILES 

And remind us again who the guests of honours are? 

FRASIER 

Granted but even so that doesn't make you the centre of the universe Niles. 

NILES 

I'm still waiting for a valid reason. 

ROZ 

Because we say so that's why. There is that valid enough for you? Niles turn around. 

NILES 

But... 

FRASIER 

Niles! 

NILES 

But... 

ROZ 

Turn around! 

NILES 

Oh fine. If it'll make you happy. 

NILES RATHER RELUCTANTLY TURNS AROUND TO FACE THE FRONT DOOR 

ALLISON 

Now what's this about a stripper? 

FRASIER 

Erm...nothing. 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Ah-ha. 

ALLISON 

Saved by the bell. For now. But don't worry I won't forget. 

FRASIER SMILES WEAKLY AT ALLISON 

ROZ 

And if she does I'll remind her. 

FRASIER GLARES AT ROZ BEFORE OPENING THE DOOR. A DELIVERYMAN ENTERS PUSHING A SMALL CART WITH THREE BOXES ON IT 

DELIVERYMAN 

I have a delivery for Crane and Doyle. 

FRASIER 

Come this way. Where's the rest of it? Is this it? 

THE DELIVERYMAN STARTS TO UNLOAD THE CART 

DELIVERYMAN 

Yes. 

ROZ 

There should be two orders of everything. There are two parties. 

DELIVERYMAN 

I only have one order on the sheet for twenty-five people. 

ROZ 

There should be two orders for twenty-five. 

DELIVERYMAN 

That's all I've got. 

FRASIER 

That's it! There's definitely no tip now! Say good-bye to Mr. Washington! 

AS FRASIER LEADS THE DELIVERYMAN TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(D) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — EVENING — NIGHT — DAY/3   
(Frasier, Martin, Roz, Daphne, Niles, Allison) 

FRASIER STANDS BY THE ISLAND TALKING ON THE PHONE AS ROZ STANDS GUARD OVER THE BOXES BEHIND THE CONSOLE. MARTIN AND ALLISON STAND WITH ROZ LOOKING AT THE LABELS ON THE BOXES. NILES REMAINS AS BEFORE FACING THE DOOR, AS DOES DAPHNE STANDING BY FRASIER 

FRASIER 

(ON PHONE) Uh-huh. I see. Interesting. Yes thank you. 

FRASIER HANGS UP THE PHONE 

MARTIN 

So what's going on? 

FRASIER 

Incompetency is spreading throughout Seattle like a bush fire. Apparently since we ordered the same thing at the same time, they put their two IQ points together and assumed that we were holding a joint party. To cut a long story short, this is it. 

ROZ PICKS UP A BOTTLE OF WINE FROM ONE OF THE BOXES AND HOLDS IT TIGHTLY TO HER CHEST 

ROZ 

This is it? This isn't enough. What do we do now? 

DAPHNE 

Well cling to a bottle of wine like a life preserver seems to be your answer. 

NILES SLOWLY STARTS TO TURN AROUND UNNOTICED BY EVERYONE ELSE 

FRASIER 

I asked the same question. All I got from them was a childish response laced with sarcasm. 

DAPHNE 

Which was? 

FRASIER 

Share. I mean what am I? Barney the dinosaur? 

NILES 

This is an easy enough problem to solve. There's enough food here for both parties. Just split everything in two. 

FRASIER 

And just who told you to turn around mister? 

NILES TURNS AROUND TO FACE THE FRONT DOOR AGAIN 

ROZ 

Okay we can work this out there's no need to panic. Let's toss a coin to see who gets what. 

ALLISON 

That's not fair. You might win all the time and get it all and Frasier could be left with nothing. 

ROZ 

Whose side are you on Allison? You're coming to my party not his. 

DAPHNE 

Don't you mean my party? 

ROZ 

Whatever. 

MARTIN 

If you ask me there's only one way to settle this fairly. 

ROZ 

Well okay but I have to warn you, I fight hard and I fight dirty. 

ROZ PUTS HER FISTS UP AND MOVES THREATENINGLY TOWARDS FRASIER 

FRASIER 

Now Roz... 

ROZ 

And no hair pulling or scratching, I know what a girl you are. I don't want to go into work looking like I've been mauled by a cat. But fish hooking is perfectly legal. 

FRASIER 

Excuse me? Fish hooking? 

ROZ 

On the count of three. One, two, three. 

ROZ STARTS TO LUNGE TOWARDS FRASIER BUT HE PUTS HIS HAND UP TO STOP HER 

FRASIER 

Stop! That's not what he meant. Was it? 

MARTIN 

Well...(THINKS) I was talking about a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. 

NILES 

Isn't that a little childish? Like making me face the wall for absolutely no reason? 

ROZ 

He's right that's no way to settle it. I guess that means only one thing. On the count of three. 

ROZ PUTS HER FISTS UP AGAIN 

FRASIER 

I am not fighting you Roz. 

ROZ 

Oh don't be such a girl. I won't hurt you. 

FRASIER 

That clenched fist suggests otherwise. 

ALLISON 

That's enough both of you! Now it's a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors and let's try to behave like adults. Now can we at least take a look to see what we've got before the battle commences? There is no point shedding blood over half a water cracker. 

FRASIER 

Okay. Help me bring these boxes into the kitchen. 

FRASIER, ROZ AND ALLISON ALL PICK UP A BOX AND EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN. MARTIN FOLLOWS THEM SHAKING HIS HEAD. 

A BEAT 

DAPHNE CHECKS TO SEE THAT THEY ARE ALL BUSY IN THE KITCHEN BEFORE SLOWLY CREEPING UP BEHIND NILES, PUTTING HER ARMS AROUND HIM AND KISSING THE BACK OF HIS NECK 

NILES 

(JOKING) Oh come on Allison, I've told you hundreds of times before, I don't think either Daphne or Frasier would approve or our torrid affair so we should stop before it gets out of hand. 

DAPHNE SMACKS HIS ARM PLAYFULLY BEFORE HUGGING HIM AGAIN 

DAPHNE 

Hey! It's a good job I know that you're joking. 

FRASIER 

(FROM THE KITCHEN) That's not fair! I wasn't ready! 

DAPHNE TURNS AROUND TO SEE IF THEY ARE COMING BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM BEFORE TURNING HER ATTENTION BACK TO NILES 

DAPHNE 

You could turn around you know. 

NILES 

And risk the wrath of the party planner? I would like to live long enough to see our child be born. 

DAPHNE 

You can't be scared of your brother. 

NILES 

I was talking about Roz. She has that look of a psychopath about her that puts a chill down my spine. 

DAPHNE 

Then I have an even better idea. Why don't we just sneak out and spend the evening at your place instead? I'm sure neither of them will miss us. 

NILES 

That idea does arouse certain possibilities. 

DAPHNE 

I've noticed. 

NILES TURNS AROUND AND TAKES DAPHNE'S HAND 

NILES 

Okay but we have to be quick or they'll see us. 

AS THEY GO TO MOVE TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR ALLISON ENTERS CARRYING TWO OF THE BOXES CAUSES THEM BOTH TO FREEZE IN THEIR TRACKS. ROZ FOLLOWS CARRYING THE OTHER BOX. ON SEEING ROZ DAPHNE STARTS TO MOVE BACK TOWARDS THE ISLAND 

ROZ 

Yes! That's a piece of paper! I win! We have the wine. Daphne what were you doing over there? 

DAPHNE 

Nothing. 

FRASIER ENTERS HOLDING A LITTLE TUB OF CRACKER DIP FOLLOWED BY MARTIN CARRYING A BANNER 

FRASIER 

That's not fair! I wasn't paying attention. That wasn't a rock anyway that was a pair of scissors! That wine should be mine. 

ROZ 

A pair of scissors the shape of a clenched fist? 

FRASIER 

Yes. Early Chinese wicker scissors. They're more common these days then you'd think. 

MARTIN 

So is insanity at an early age. 

ROZ 

Excuse me? 

FRASIER 

Oh all right fine but I didn't fully understand the rules of the game. I've never played before. That was just a series of practice rounds to warm up. 

ROZ 

Too late. You loose. Bye-bye. 

MARTIN 

What do we do about the banner? There's only one. 

FRASIER 

Just take half of it. 

MARTIN TARES THE BANNER INTO TWO AND GIVES ONE PIECE TO ROZ WHO THEN MOVES TOWARDS THE FRONT DOOR 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Where are you going? This isn't the end of it. I demand a rematch! 

ROZ 

I would Frasier but I've got my hands full carrying all this food and wine. Sorry. Daphne, Allison come on. 

ALLISON EXITS OUT THE FRONT DOOR AS ROZ WAITS FOR DAPHNE. AS DAPHNE PASSES NILES SHE GOES TO KISS HIM 

DAPHNE 

I'll see you later. 

ROZ 

Oh no you don't. 

ROZ PULLS DAPHNE AWAY FROM NILES BEFORE THEY CAN MAKE CONTACT BEFORE MAKING HER EXIT THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

ROZ (CONT'D) 

Have fun boys. Enjoy your water and cracker dip. 

ROZ EXITS SHUTTING THE DOOR BEHIND HER BEFORE FRASIER SLUMPS DOWN ON THE COUCH 

FRASIER 

Well that's it my party is ruined. 

NILES 

Don't you mean my party? 

FRASIER 

Does everything have to be about you Niles? 

AS NILES PATS FRASIER'S SHOULDER IN SYMPATHY WE: 

FADE OUT 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS RECREATION ROOM — EVENING — NIGHT — DAY/3   
(Frasier, Niles, Martin, Reynolds, Roz, Megan, Daphne, Allison, Stripper, Party Guests) 

IN THE REC ROOM THE FOOD TABLE IS NOTICEABLY BARE WITH ONLY THE CRACKER DIP AND GLASSES OF WATER ON THERE. THERE ARE SEVERAL PARTY GUESTS THERE MILLING AROUND AND TALKING. IN THE FOUR CORNERS OF THE ROOM THERE ARE SOME BALLOONS AND SOME PARTY GAMES ON THE FAR RIGHT HAND SIDE OF THE ROOM DIRECTLY OPPOSITE THE DOOR. FRASIER SITS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM WITH HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS AS NILES STANDS OVER HIM AND MARTIN TRIES IN VAIN TO PUT THE BANNER UP 

FRASIER 

This party is a disaster. 

NILES 

Oh it's not so bad. It's just started a little slowly. Don't worry you always throw a good party. Look Chester Highgrove seems to be having a good time. 

FRASIER 

He's been asleep since he got here Niles. I've had to put a cup underneath his chin to catch the drool. I'm not completely sure he hasn't lapsed into a small coma. 

NILES 

(TRYING TO SOUND OPTIMISTIC) The mushroom dip at least makes the water taste a little better. 

FRASIER 

And why is no one playing the games I've prepared? 

NILES 

As much as your enthusiasm is to be applauded Frasier, I really don't think you thought through the 'pin the tail on the naked lady' game. It makes me wonder how many women you've dated that actually have tails. 

FRASIER LOOKS UP AT NILES RATHER SADLY 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Oh fine I'll go and play it. 

NILES MOVES OVER TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM AS FRASIER TURNS TO SEE MARTIN FINISHING PUTTING THE BANNER ON THE WALL. THE BANNER READS "ULATIONS" CAUSING FRASIER TO WALK OVER TO MARTIN 

FRASIER 

Dad what are you doing? What is this? 

MARTIN 

It's the sign. 

FRASIER 

And this is the best you could do? 

MARTIN 

You just told me to grab half of the banner. So I did. You didn't say which half oh lord and master. 

FRASIER 

Well I'd assume you'd get the half that makes sense. 

MARTIN 

It makes sense. 

FRASIER 

"Ulations"? A drunk monkey would make more sense then that. 

MARTIN TAKES A PEN OUT OF HIS POCKET AND STARTS TO WRITE SOMETHING AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SIGN. SATISFIED HE STANDS BACK TO ADMIRE IT 

MARTIN 

Then here. Now it makes perfect sense. 

FRASIER 

"Congol"? What the hell does "congolulations" mean? 

MARTIN 

That says "Congrat". 

FRASIER 

Only in ancient Hebrew Dad. 

MARTIN 

Fine I'll find something different. 

MARTIN EXITS OUT THE DOOR AS NILES APPROACHES FRASIER CARRYING A CARD DONKEY TAIL FROM THE GAME 

NILES 

"Ulations"? 

FRASIER 

You have to read closer. 

NILES 

"Congolulations"? 

AT THAT MOMENT, REYNOLDS, WHO HAS BEEN AT THE FOOD TABLE WALKS PAST AND HEARS NILES 

REYNOLDS 

I didn't know you spoke Hebrew Crane. 

AS REYNOLDS MOVES AWAY FRASIER STARTS TO BREATHE FUNNY 

NILES 

Just take deep breaths. 

FRASIER 

But my party is ruined. 

NILES 

My party. 

FRASIER 

Mine, mine, mine! Honestly Niles could you be more selfish? 

RESET TO: 

INT. MEGAN'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

THE BRIDAL SHOWER IS BEING HELD AT DAPHNE'S FRIEND, MEGAN'S APARTMENT A FEW FLOORS DOWN FROM FRASIER'S. THE LAYOUT OF THE APARTMENT IS VIRTUALLY THE SAME. IN COMPLETE CONTRAST TO THE PARTY DOWNSTAIRS THE FOOD TABLE IS FULL, THE APARTMENT IS DECORATED FOR THE OCCASION AND THE PARTY GUESTS FILL THE ROOM WITH LAUGHTER. DAPHNE, ALLISON AND MEGAN SNACK ON THE FOOD AS ROZ FUSSES AROUND 

ROZ 

I should have taken the dip. What's the point of having chips if we've got nothing to dip them in? 

MEGAN 

They have a nice kick if you dip them in wine. 

DAPHNE 

Will you calm down? It doesn't matter about the dip. Just enjoy the party. 

ROZ 

And where is that stripper? He's already twenty minutes late. I should be rubbing him all over with baby oil right now and slipping him my phone number. 

DAPHNE 

A stripper? I promised Niles that there wouldn't be a stripper. He gets a jealous look in his eye when the grocery store bag boy packs my melons let alone if he finds out we've got a semi naked dancing boy here. 

ROZ 

Oh what's the big deal? He won't mind. Niles is probably having a pair of bouncing breasts pushed in his face as we speak. 

ALLISON 

This is Frasier and Niles we're talking about. They're more likely to be singing in Italian and arguing about who was the greatest conductor of the twentieth century. 

ROZ 

I need dip and I need a stripper. 

MEGAN 

Don't we all? But Santa never seems to put one of those in your stocking no matter how many times you ask. 

AS ROZ MOVES OVER TO THE BALCONY TO SEE IF SHE CAN SEE THE STRIPPER ARRIVING MARTIN ENTERS STICKING HIS HEAD AROUND THE FRONT DOOR 

MARTIN 

Psst. Allison. Over here. 

ALLISON WALKS OVER TO MARTIN 

ALLISON 

What are you doing up here? Won't Frasier try to put you in a rest home if he finds out you've snuck into Daphne's party? 

MARTIN 

I'd like to see him try. I'm here to plead with you to give me your half of the banner before the vein in Frasier's forehead explodes. 

ALLISON 

I should have known that would have driven him mad. Sure we don't really need it. 

ALLISON TAKES THE "CONGRATS" PART OF THE BANNER DOWN FROM ABOVE THE FIREPLACE AND GIVES IT TO MARTIN 

MARTIN 

Thanks. 

ALLISON 

How about we make this an exchange for the dip. 

DAPHNE SEEING MARTIN WALKS OVER TO JOIN HIM AND ALLISON 

MARTIN 

Okay since we have nothing to dip in it. Meet me in the lobby in five minutes and we'll see what we can do. 

MARTIN EXITS AND ALLISON SHUTS THE FRONT DOOR 

DAPHNE 

And that little rendezvous didn't sound odd at all. 

ROZ RUSHES TOWARDS THEM 

ROZ 

Who was that? Was it the stripper? 

ALLISON 

It was no one. 

ROZ 

I heard a man's voice. 

DAPHNE 

(COVERING) That was Heather. The hormone treatment isn't exactly working as hoped. Her moustache isn't going away and she has the muscles to lift a fully-grown cow over her head. 

ROZ 

Well there's a party trick for later. 

DAPHNE 

We could get her to do a set if the stripper doesn't turn up. 

ROZ 

Where has the sign gone? 

ALLISON 

Erm...it got torn when Daphne threw the toilet paper bouquet. 

DAPHNE 

I never was a good aim. 

MEGAN 

What else did you expect when you put twenty single women in a room and throw a bouquet? It's amazing we haven't had to call the Police in to a fistfight. 

ROZ MOVES BACK TOWARDS THE WINDOW 

DAPHNE 

Let me guess Mr. Crane has it? 

ALLISON 

It was either that or giving Frasier a small seizure. 

RESET TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS RECREATION ROOM — CONTINUOUS

THE ROOM REMAINS AS BEFORE WITH EVERYONE TRYING TO GET INTO THE PARTY MOOD WITHOUT REALLY SUCCEEDING. FRASIER STANDS OBSERVING EVERYONE AS NILES GETS HIMSELF ANOTHER DRINK 

FRASIER 

Why aren't you having a good time? 

NILES 

I am. Honestly. 

FRASIER 

Well you don't look like it. Try smiling. 

NILES SMILES AT FRASIER 

NILES 

Is that better? 

FRASIER 

You look like you've got wind. 

MARTIN ENTERS CARRYING THE OTHER HALF OF THE BANNER AND TRIES TO PIN IT ON THE WALL IN FRONT OF THE OTHER HALF 

NILES 

Where did you get that? 

MARTIN 

The party upstairs. 

FRASIER 

You stole it from Roz's party? 

MARTIN 

Daphne's party. 

FRASIER 

Whatever. 

MARTIN 

Yes I did. Are you happy now? 

FRASIER 

So let me just make sure that I've got this right. You went up stairs, snuck into Roz's party... 

NILES 

Daphne's party. 

FRASIER 

Whatever. Went undetected and all you stole from there when we have no food or drink was part of a congratulations banner? 

MARTIN 

That's all you said you wanted. 

FRASIER 

Granted but I didn't realise you were going to sneak up there. Why didn't you bring us some wine and food at the same time? 

MARTIN 

I'm an old man with a cane. I couldn't carry anything else. 

FRASIER 

Oh that's your excuse for everything. 

MARTIN 

Don't get snippy with me you're the one that lost at a simple game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. 

FRASIER 

I've already told you I didn't know the rules. 

MARTIN 

And how sad is that? Fine I'll go and see what I can do. 

MARTIN EXITS OUT OF THE DOOR GRABBING THE DIP UNNOTICED AS HE GOES 

RESET TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS LOBBY — CONTINUOUS

MARTIN ENTERS CARRYING THE DIP AS THE ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN AND ALLISON ENTERS CARRYING TWO BAGS OF CHIPS 

ALLISON 

I bought you some of the chips. 

MARTIN 

Thank you. And your dip. It was lovely doing business with you. 

THEY BOTH EXCHANGE 

ALLISON 

Anytime. 

AS ALLISON CALLS FOR THE ELEVATOR MARTIN EXITS BACK INTO THE REC ROOM 

RESET TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS RECREATIONS ROOM — CONTINUOUS

THE ROOM REMAINS AS BEFORE AS MARTIN ENTERS WITH THE BAGS OF CHIPS AND PUTS THEM ON THE TABLE 

MARTIN 

Here you go. 

FRASIER 

How did you do that so quickly? 

NILES 

The dips gone. Who on earth would eat that just on it's own? 

MARTIN 

I traded it for the chips. 

FRASIER 

But now we have nothing to dip them in. 

MARTIN 

Well what do you want me to do about it? 

FRASIER 

Go and steal it back. 

MARTIN 

I'm not going to go upstairs and steal from them. 

FRASIER 

You stole the sign! This is no time for double standards. 

NILES 

You know Frasier as much fun as this is I'm actually thinking about getting an early night. 

NILES IS COMPLETELY IGNORED BY FRASIER AND MARTIN 

MARTIN 

But they weren't going to miss that. 

FRASIER 

I'm not asking you to steal a limb. Just get a plate of pate and our dip back. 

MARTIN 

Oh fine. But you're coming with me. 

NILES 

Is anyone listening to me? 

FRASIER 

Let's go. 

FRASIER AND MARTIN EXIT AS NILES JUST STARES AFTER THEM 

RESET TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS LOBBY — CONTINUOUS

THE STRIPPER DRESSED IN A REVEALING FIREMAN'S UNIFORM STANDS IN THE LOBBY LOOKING AT THE DIRECTORY AS FRASIER AND MARTIN ENTER FROM THE REC ROOM 

STRIPPER 

Excuse me? 

FRASIER 

Is there a fire? 

STRIPPER 

Actually I'm looking for a party. Where do I find apartment 1507? Roz Doyle? 

FRASIER 

Aren't you the new waiter in Nervosa? 

STRIPPER 

That's just my day job. 

FRASIER 

You're a stripper? 

THE STRIPPER INDICATES HIS LACK OF BUTTONS OF HIS UNIFORM 

STRIPPER 

Either that or the budgets been cut on our uniforms. Ha! Yes I am. Can you point me in the right direction please? 

FRASIER 

Erm...(THINKS) you know what the party has actually been moved to the rec room. Follow me. 

THE STRIPPER FOLLOWS FRASIER WHO POINTS HIM INTO THE REC ROOM WITH FRASIER AND MARTIN FOLLOWING CLOSELY BEHIND 

MARTIN 

What are you doing now? 

FRASIER 

Making a deal Roz can't refuse. 

FRASIER AND MARTIN EXIT INTO THE REC ROOM 

RESET TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS RECREATION ROOM — CONTINUOUS

THE STRIPPER STANDS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM LOOKING CONFUSED AS DOES NILES. FRASIER AND MARTIN ENTER

NILES 

Once again Frasier I applaud your enthusiasm but you seem to have confused pate with a fireman. And even I'm not that hungry. 

STRIPPER 

Okay I think you've dialled the wrong number. I don't do these kind of parties. Not that there's anything wrong with it. But you might want to get Chad or Hank instead. 

FRASIER 

It's perfectly all right. Take a seat. 

FRASIER TAKES HIS CELL PHONE OUT AND DIALS 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

This won't take long. (ON PHONE) Hello Roz. How are you enjoying your party? Is the dip nice? 

RESET TO: 

INT. MEGAN'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ STANDS BY THE FOOD TABLE WITH HER CELL PHONE PRESSED TO HER EAR. DAPHNE, ALLISON AND MEGAN ALL STAND NEXT TO HER TRYING TO LISTEN 

ROZ 

Give me back the potato chips Frasier. What's the point of having dip if I've got nothing to dip in it other then a voodoo doll of you. Later if you get the feeling that you're drowning in something flavoured like garlic and onion, you'll know why. 

RESET TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS RECREATION ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

It's funny I thought the same thing when all I had at my party was dip. But if I were you Roz, I'd change my tone. 

RESET TO: 

INT. MEGAN'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ 

And why exactly would I do that? 

RESET TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS RECREATION ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

Because I have something else in my possession that you want far more then potato chips. 

RESET TO: 

INT. MEGAN'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ 

And what would that be? 

RESET TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS RECREATION ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

Let's play a game and see if you can guess what it is. How to describe it? Oh I know. It's about six feet five inches, brown hair, brown eyes and wearing a fireman's uniform. Any ideas Roz? 

RESET TO: 

INT. MEGAN'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ TURNS TO THE WAITING GROUP IN HORROR 

ROZ 

Oh my God! Frasier has the stripper! 

RESET TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS RECREATION ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

Well done Roz. I was going to give you two more guesses be... 

RESET TO: 

INT. MEGAN'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ 

Okay cut the chatter and let's get to the point. What do you want? 

FRASIER 

(THROUGH THE PHONE) A deal. 

ROZ 

Go on. I'm listening. 

RESET TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS RECREATION ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

I want the crate of wine back filled with the wine, not any sort of juice that you might try to sneak in there as well as the crab puffs and any other finger foods that you may have lying around. Plus that voodoo doll would also be appreciated. And in exchange I will give you back the stripper in the condition, which I found him. 

RESET TO: 

INT. MEGAN'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ 

You do know this is blackmail. 

RESET TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS RECREATION ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

Is that a no? Oh well I'm sure there are lots of other women in the city who would like to see him take his clothes off. Okay, bye-bye stripper... 

RESET TO: 

INT. MEGAN'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ 

I'm coming down. Meet me in the lobby and bring the stripper. 

RESET TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS RECREATION ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

As long as you bring the crab puffs. 

RESET TO: 

INT. MEGAN'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

ROZ 

Fine. 

ROZ HANGS UP HER PHONE 

ALLISON 

What's going on? What's he doing with the stripper at Niles' bachelor party? 

ROZ 

Oh come on it's only a matter of time before they both come out of the closet. Frasier's found him in the lobby and now he's holding him hostage. We have to give him food and wine in exchange. 

MEGAN 

And that's it? 

ROZ 

And the voodoo doll. 

MEGAN 

Then why are we still standing here discussing it when a hunk is waiting to take his clothes off for us? 

ROZ 

Good point. Okay. Follow me I have a plan. 

ROZ, ALLISON AND MEGAN PICK UP AS MUCH FOOD AND WINE AS THEY CAN BEFORE EXITING. DAPHNE JUST STARES AFTER THEM BEFORE EXITING HERSELF 

RESET TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS RECREATION ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER 

And we have a deal. 

STRIPPER 

What kind of freakish party is this? 

FRASIER 

If you think this is bad, just wait until you get upstairs. I hope you have life insurance. Come on Dad. This way. 

STRIPPER 

Wait! What does that mean? 

FRASIER 

Oh you'll be fine. 

MARTIN 

You've had a tetanus shot right? 

FRASIER LEADS THE STRIPPER OUT AND THEY BOTH EXIT. MARTIN AND NILES RELUCTANTLY FOLLOW THEM OUT 

RESET TO: 

INT. ELLIOT BAY TOWERS LOBBY — CONTINUOUS

ROZ, ALLISON AND MEGAN STAND BY THE ELEVATOR IN A LINE HOLDING THE FOOD AND WINE AS FRASIER, THE STRIPPER, MARTIN AND NILES ENTER FROM THE REC ROOM. THE BOYS WAIT BY THE REC ROOM DOOR AND THE WHOLE THING HAS THE FEEL OF A SHOW DOWN AT HIGH NOON AT THE END OF A WESTERN 

ROZ 

So it's come to this. Blackmail. 

FRASIER 

If you don't want him I can always take him back. 

ROZ 

(REALISING) Wait a second you're the waiter from Nervosa! 

STRIPPER 

The spoon-dropping lady! 

ROZ 

Oh I want him all right Frasier. I want him real bad. 

FRASIER 

Then let's exchange. Allison bring the wine and food over here and Dad will bring the stripper over to you. If at anytime you try to touch him in anyway before the switch has been made and or until I'm completely satisfied with the exchange I'll set off the fire alarm, so we have to evacuate the building and then I'll help our fireman friend here make his escape. 

ROZ 

You've got everything planned out to the last detail haven't you? 

FRASIER 

You left me no choice. Do we have a deal? 

ROZ 

Yes. 

FRASIER 

Okay then. 

STRIPPER 

No wait, don't make me go over there. 

FRASIER 

What's the matter? 

STRIPPER 

I'm afraid. I've seen that woman before. I get the feeling she's about the bite me every time I serve her. 

FRASIER 

Which woman? 

ROZ 

Come on, mommy's hungry. 

STRIPPER 

Do you need any other hints? 

FRASIER 

Ah I see. The one with the crazed look in her eye. You'll be fine don't worry. Just do everything that she asks and everything will be fine. Okay on the count of three. One, two, three. 

VERY SLOWLY MARTIN TAKES THE STRIPPER BY THE ARM AND WALKS HIM TOWARDS ROZ AT THE SAME TIME AS ALLISON AND MEGAN GO TO BRING THE FOOD AND WINE OVER TO FRASIER 

ROZ 

That's it, this way. 

FRASIER 

Allison keep walking. 

ROZ 

Now! Grab the food! 

ROZ SUDDENLY LUNGES AT THE STRIPPER AND GRABS HIM WHILE ALLISON AND MEGAN GO BACK TO WHERE THEY STARTED 

FRASIER 

Dad grab the stripper! 

FRASIER GRABS HOLD OF THE STRIPPER'S OTHER ARM WHO IS THEN INVOLVED IN A TUG OF WAR BETWEEN THE TWO AS EVERYONE ELSE TO JUST LOOKS ON NOT WANTING TO REALLY GET INVOLVED 

ROZ 

Give him to me! 

FRASIER 

I want that wine! 

ROZ 

You'll want plastic surgery if you don't let go of him! 

NILES 

I'm leaving now. 

STRIPPER 

Help me! I don't want to die this way! 

FRASIER 

Are you happy now? You've made the stripper cry! 

NILES 

I'm going. 

ROZ 

Allison we have to fight dirty. Drink the wine! 

AS FRASIER AND ROZ CONTINUE TO HAVE A TUG OF WAR OVER THE STRIPPER, ALLISON, MARTIN AND MEGAN START TO SNACK ON THE FOOD AS THEY WATCH AND NILES GOES TO EXIT INTO THE ELEVATOR AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S BALCONY — EVENING — NIGHT — DAY/3   
(Frasier, Roz, Daphne, Niles, Eddie) 

DAPHNE STANDS ON THE BALCONY LOOKING OUT OVER THE CITY AS EDDIE SITS AT HER FEET. IN THE BACKGROUND ONE OF MARTIN'S GLEN MILLER CD'S PLAYS QUIETLY BEFORE BEING DROWNED OUT BY SOME VERY LOUD VOICES 

FRASIER 

(OFF STAGE) I want that wine! 

ROZ 

(OFF STAGE) Not until you give me back my stripper! 

DAPHNE STARES OVER THE EDGE OF THE BALCONY CONFUSED 

DAPHNE 

What the hell is that all about? So what have you been up to all night young Edward? 

EDDIE PICKS UP A BARBIE DOLL AND STARTS TO CHEW IT 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Ah! Well I hope she's of legal age. Even though you're a dog I'm sure it's illegal in every state. Well except Texas. There everything's pretty much legal when it doesn't involve a pumpkin and some jello. It's a beautiful night. The stars are shining. The moon is out. Dr. Crane and Roz seem to be having some sort of street fight. Some strange man is staring at me and shaving his legs on his balcony. Oh my God! Eddie shield your eyes! 

NILES ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR 

NILES 

Daphne? 

NILES GOES OUT ONTO THE BALCONY AND KISSES DAPHNE 

DAPHNE 

Niles! Hello. What are you doing up here? What happened to your bachelor party? I thought your crazy antics were going to keep you busy until the wee small hours of the morning. 

NILES 

I reached my limit when Frasier and Roz were having a tug of war with the stripper. And I see they've taken it out onto the streets. That's not exactly fair, now Roz has the home field advantage. Why aren't you still at the party? 

DAPHNE 

Everyone seemed to be having a much better time then I was. I just felt like a little peace and quiet. 

NILES 

Me too. Besides, the one person that I want to spend the evening with is the one person who wasn't invited. 

DAPHNE 

Oh come here you smooth talker. 

THEY HUG 

NILES 

Would you care to dance miss? 

DAPHNE 

I'd love to. 

THEY SLOWLY START TO DANCE 

NILES 

This is a much better way to spend the evening. Under the stars with the woman I love being serenaded by Glen Miller and the piercing screams of Roz and Frasier fighting over a man. A perfect way to spend an evening. Although what is that man doing? 

DAPHNE 

Don't stare you'll only encourage him. 

AS THEY CONTINUE TO DANCE THE NIGHT AWAY TO THE MUSIC AND TO FRASIER AND ROZ'S CONSTANT SHOUTING WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO 

CLOSING CREDITS: ROZ AND FRASIER STILL FIGHT OVER THE STRIPPER WHO IS INCREASINGLY LOOKING TIRED AS MARTIN, ALLISON AND MEGAN SIT NEXT TO THE ELEVATOR FALLING ASLEEP. AS THEY CONTINUE TO FIGHT THE BACHELOR PARTY GUESTS SNEAK OUT COMPLETELY UNNOTICED. 


	24. Episode TwentyFour

_I don't own any of these characters. All rights belong to Paramount Pictures and Grub Street Productions. _

_Okay here it is, the very last one. I've completed two seasons and I'm now officially hanging up my keyboard. But before I depart I just want to thank everyone who has sent me feedback over the course of the season, in no particular order: Jodie Haldeman, Elaine Getchell, Pete Harris, Charlotte Etchells, Vick Pena, Gerry, Sarah, Elizabeth, Diana, Marissa, Megan Traxler, Rosalie Andaya, Mumbles125, Daniela Grech, Lydia Gardner, Beryl Marsh, Olli Ritvanen, Gillian Earthy, Joy, Casey, Carolyn Morrisey, Amanda Baker, Fern Fellowes, Cassandra Adams, Chris Crane, Mystical1735, Sydney, Misti Badgett, Papa Drew, Amanda Ramirez, Brandi, Sarah Snapefan, Heather, Allison, Amy. Thank you very much for your feedback but just because this is the last one doesn't mean you have to stop now, so please send any comments to kelly_simba@hotmail.com _

_Thank you to Chris for my language lessons. _

_For my dear Grandad Lewis. You are forever in my thoughts and I know that you are going to get through this. You mean the world to me. _

_One final thing, if at the end of this you go "What? How?" I suggest you read the final scene from episode 18 Wives And Lovers. _

_Enjoy... _  
  
  


Frasier   
Alternative Season Nine Episode Twenty-Four   
Some Unenchanted Evening 

By Kelly-Simba (kelly_simba@hotmail.com) 

ACT ONE 

(A) 

FADE IN: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — MORNING — DAY — DAY/1   
(Martin, Frasier, Niles, Daphne, Roz, Eddie) 

MARTIN STANDS AND STROKES EDDIE, WHO LIES ON THE COUCH, FROM BEHIND THE CONSOLE AS FRASIER ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM CARRYING AN OVERNIGHT BAG. FRASIER PLACES THE BAG ON THE FLOOR BY THE ISLAND BEFORE LOOKING THROUGH ANOTHER BAG ON MARTIN'S CHAIR. THERE ARE TWO GARMENT BAGS OVER THE ARM OF THE COUCH 

MARTIN 

(SORROWFULLY TO EDDIE) Oh don't look at me like that boy. I don't want this to happen. It's not my fault. I've done everything I can for you. Blame Frasier. 

FRASIER 

Oh for God's sake Dad pull yourself together! He's going to a four star luxury kennel and doggy spa for two nights not facing the electric chair. 

MARTIN 

Why do we have to take Eddie to a dirty kennel anyway? He'll come back infested with fleas. 

FRASIER 

Dad Bark Avenue is the most exclusive kennel in town. There's a six-week waiting list. Thank God Cornel Adams' Beagle Snuggles was struck by lighting last week otherwise he wouldn't be going at all. There he'll be treated like a spoiled child. A team of dedicated professionals will cater for his every whim. If I thought for a second they'd take me instead I'd go. And anyway that dog is practically a walking flea circus as it is. You can actually see a little tight rope and a trapeze connected from his head to his tail. If you ask me it's the other dogs that should worry. 

MARTIN 

Well he could come back with something a lot worse then fleas. 

FRASIER 

Oh yes he could just come back at all. 

MARTIN 

If I were you I should watch what I say about him when he's in the same room. Eddie never forgets. He knows where you sleep and his teeth are as sharp as little tiny daggers when they dig into sensitive areas of skin. (THEN) Can't he just stay here? 

FRASIER 

Alone? 

MARTIN 

What are you worrying about? He's not going to be throwing any wild parties. He's a dog. There are no doggy orgy's planned for the weekend. He hasn't been handing out invitations down at the dog park to all of his friends. To start with he can't reach the phone to order the personalised stationary and he has trouble holding a corkscrew and a bottle of wine at the same time. 

FRASIER 

But what about my carpet? Unless I'm mistaken Dad he doesn't actually have a bladder the size of a barrage balloon. Sooner or later he will explode and as much as I'd like to see that happen, I don't particularly want the mess all over my clean carpet. 

MARTIN 

I told you Mrs. Sugden from across the hall has agreed to stop by and walk him twice a day. 

FRASIER 

I am not having that woman in my house. 

MARTIN 

Oh you are such a snob. 

FRASIER 

Snobbery has nothing to do with it. We're talking about a seventy-year-old woman who has spent the vast majority of her adult life behind bars on various assault and burglary charges. 

MARTIN 

Don't worry about it that was just a vicious rumour. She was convicted of attempted murder and j-walking not burglary. She's not a thief. 

FRASIER 

Oh well that takes a load off my mind, thank you so much. Are you forgetting that when she opens her door you can see the welcome mat and several pot plants that went missing from the lobby a few weeks ago? I'm surprised she hasn't kidnapped the doorman to answer her door for her. Hell I'm afraid to stand too near to her in the elevator in case she takes one of my vital organs. 

MARTIN 

That's just something she picked up on the inside. 

FRASIER 

Well thank you very much the American legal system. For the last time the answer is no. The case is closed. Just be grateful that I'm taking him to a kennel rather then to the dog pound. 

MARTIN 

Then can't he come with us? He's got a little tux he could wear during the ceremony. 

FRASIER 

I'm sure Niles and Daphne don't want a small fur covered colon sent marking the aisle and trying to romance the minister's leg while they're saying their vows. I'm not sure the minister would be too impressed either. 

MARTIN 

Oh fine. I should just be happy you haven't tied him to a tree with a piece of rope and left him there with a ten-pound bag of dog chow. 

MARTIN PICKS UP ONE OF THE GARMENT BAGS AND TAKES OUT HIS SHARK SKIN SUIT 

FRASIER 

There's still plenty of time yet. To do that to you as well as Eddie. Wait a second. (RE: SUIT) What is that? 

MARTIN 

What is what? 

FRASIER 

That...that...thing that you're holding. 

MARTIN 

It's my suit. 

FRASIER 

You're not taking that with you. 

MARTIN 

Of course I am. 

FRASIER 

No that wasn't a question that was a statement. You are not taking that with you. 

MARTIN 

Why not? 

FRASIER 

You already have a suit for tomorrow. 

MARTIN 

But this one is for the rehearsal dinner tonight. I don't have a date for the wedding and this suit is a sure fire lady-killer. 

FRASIER 

Only if it was made from the actual shark out of Jaws Dad. 

MARTIN 

I'm serious. This is the suit I wore when I first asked Sherry out on a date. It's lucky. 

SFX: DOORBELL

FRASIER 

Oh dear God. Burn it, burn it now. Just hold it near a naked flame I'm sure it would ignite itself. 

FRASIER CROSSES TO ANSWER THE FRONT DOOR AND NILES ENTERS

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Ah and here's the bridegroom. Good morning Niles. 

FRASIER AND NILES HUG 

NILES 

Morning Frasier, Dad...(RE: SUIT) what is that? 

MARTIN 

My sharkskin suit. 

NILES 

But why? 

MARTIN 

But why what? 

NILES 

Just in general, why? What happened to the suit we bought you? The one that didn't need an emergency appointment with an Exorcist. 

MARTIN 

This one is for the rehearsal dinner tonight. 

FRASIER 

Apparently it's lucky. He was wearing it the night he asked Sherry out for the first time. Do you want to beat it out of his hand and hit it with a stick or shall I? 

NILES 

What?!? Do you want to completely jinx me the day before my wedding? Why don't you just give me a mirror to smash and a black cat to run over? Get that devil-possessed thing away from me now before I start to loose all feeling in my legs. 

NILES SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH NEXT TO EDDIE WHO JUMPS UP AND STARTS TO BARK AT MARTIN'S SUIT 

FRASIER 

See even Eddie's barking at it. And dogs can sense evil. 

MARTIN 

That's probably why he howls at Lilith. Oh all right fine I'll find another one. 

MARTIN EXITS TOWARDS HIS ROOM WITH HIS SUIT AS FRASIER STARTS TO LOOK THROUGH HIS BAG ON MARTIN'S CHAIR 

NILES 

If he brings out his flannel suit with the large buffet pockets I say we sedate him until it's time to get ready for the ceremony. 

FRASIER 

Agreed. Well apart from Dad picking out an appropriate suit, which may take some time and possible a bribe, I think we're about ready to leave. So how are you feeling Niles? Nervous? 

NILES 

(OVER THE TOP) No I'm not nervous. I'm fine. I'm like a rock. Not a nerve in sight. Nervous? Ha! (THEN WITHOUT PAUSING TO BREATH) I ate an entire bag of Oreo's this morning in between stepping out of the shower and actually reaching for a towel without taking a breath. Do you think that means I'm a tiny bit nervous? 

FRASIER 

(SURPRISED) Oh just a tad. It also means you're acting like an eleven year old girl at her first slumber party. 

NILES 

Do you think I should start to be concerned over this? 

FRASIER 

Only if you decide to paint your toenails and then walk up the aisle wearing teddy bear pyjamas before proceeding to beat Daphne about the head with a pillow instead of saying your vows. 

NILES 

I also have a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. 

FRASIER 

Oh they're just butterflies. I had them when I married Lilith. I only wish I'd listen to them now and ran towards the hills screaming for my life. 

NILES 

Then they must be some sort of giant genetically engineered butterflies. The way they are flying around I feel as sick as a dog. 

FRASIER 

That may have something to do with the bag of Oreo's. 

NILES 

No I was feeling like this before then. Even before I ate a bowl of bran flakes and a pizza for breakfast. 

FRASIER 

You ate a pizza? For breakfast? 

NILES 

I've already told you I'm nervous. What more do you do you want from me? 

FRASIER 

I'm sorry Niles I just don't understand why you are feeling this nervous in the first place. What do you think is going to happen? Do you think Daphne's going to jilt you at the alter? 

NILES 

(PANIC STRICKEN) Oh my God I hadn't even thought of that! 

FRASIER RUSHES OVER TO SIT NEXT TO NILES AND PUSHES HIS HEAD BETWEEN HIS LEGS 

FRASIER 

Just breathe, breathe. Everything will go fine. Don't worry about it. Although if I were you I wouldn't tell Daphne that you're likely to throw up on her shoes that's if you don't eat them first. 

NILES BEGINS TO CALM DOWN AND LIFTS HIS HEAD 

NILES 

A point duly noted. 

FRASIER 

Would you like a glass of sherry to help settle the nerves? 

FRASIER GETS UP AND WALKS TO THE BAR TO POUR A DRINK 

NILES 

At this point I don't think a glass is going to do it. Try filling Puget Sound full of it and you may get me down to the level of only being so nervous I may wet myself. 

FRASIER 

In that case then I really don't think you should be sitting on my expensive suede couch. 

DAPHNE ENTERS FROM HER BEDROOM 

DAPHNE 

Niles! Hello sweetheart. I didn't hear you arrive. 

NILES STANDS TO GREET HER AND THEY MEET AT THE ISLAND 

NILES 

I just got here. 

THEY KISS 

NILES (CONT'D) 

You look beautiful. Are you ready to go? 

NILES LEADS DAPHNE TO THE COUCH AND THEY BOTH SIT DOWN 

DAPHNE 

Nearly. I just have one or two other things to take care of before we go. Like finding some live mice to tempt me mother with. 

FRASIER 

So how are you feeling today Daphne? 

NILES STARTS TO FIDGET IN HIS SEAT WHICH DOESN'T GO UNNOTICED BY DAPHNE 

DAPHNE 

I must admit I'm feeling a little bit nervous. But I'm more excited then anything. I can't believe we're finally going to get married tomorrow. Niles are you feeling okay? You're fidgeting like you're sitting on a bed of feathers. 

TO STOP FROM FIDGETING IN HIS SEAT NILES STARTS TO PET EDDIE INSTEAD BUT AS NILES IS NOW SHAKING FROM HIS NERVES EDDIE LOOKS AS IF HE IS SHAKING AS WELL 

NILES 

Me? Oh I'm more then okay. I'm fine. 

DAPHNE 

Why is Eddie trembling? 

NILES 

Is he? 

NILES TURNS TO LOOK AT EDDIE AND REALISING THAT HE IS MAKING HIM SHAKE PULLS HIS HAND AWAY 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Oh he must be coming down with something. Doggy flu. 

DAPHNE 

Are you sure you're okay? 

FRASIER PLACES A GLASS OF SHERRY IN FRONT OF NILES BEFORE SITTING DOWN ON THE ARM OF MARTIN'S CHAIR 

NILES 

I'm fine. 

NILES PICKS UP THE GLASS AND KNOCKS BACK THE SHERRY IN ONE. DAPHNE UNDERSTANDABLY LOOKS A LITTLE CONCERNED AT NILES 

NILES (CONT'D) 

What? It's a tiny glass. 

DAPHNE 

Yes and you nearly swallowed it whole. Can I have a word with you in the kitchen please? Come and help me make some sandwiches for the car journey. 

DAPHNE TAKES NILES' HAND AND THEY BOTH EXIT INTO THE KITCHEN. MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM CARRYING A FLANNEL SUIT. WHEN EDDIE SEES HIM HE IMMEDIATELY RUNS TOWARDS HIM 

FRASIER 

No! 

MARTIN 

But they've got an elasticated waistband. 

FRASIER 

So do giant florescent clown pants but you're not wearing any of those either. 

MARTIN 

Fine. 

MARTIN THEN TAKES OUT A TINY BOW TIE AND SHIRT COLLAR FROM HIS POCKET AND GIVES IT TO EDDIE WHO THEN RUNS OVER THE FRASIER 

FRASIER 

And no to you too. 

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S KITCHEN — CONTINUOUS

DAPHNE STANDS BY THE ISLAND MAKING SOME SANDWICHES AS NILES JUST HOVERS NEXT TO HER 

DAPHNE 

Okay now what's the matter? 

NILES 

(HIS VOICE EXTREMELY HIGH PITCHED) Nothing. Nothing at all. Nothing's the matter. Why would you think that? I'm fine. Honestly. There's nothing wrong. What makes you think something is wrong? 

DAPHNE 

The fact that your voice has gone so high it could be mistaken for a cat with its privates caught in an antique mangle might have tipped me off doctor. 

NILES 

Well that's just a change of image I'm trying. Some people think I sound too butch and threatening. I come across as intimidating. 

DAPHNE STOPS WHAT SHE'S DOING AND TURNS TO FACE NILES 

DAPHNE 

Niles honey I love you more then anything in the world but you couldn't intimidate a squirrel. Give me your hand. 

DAPHNE TAKES NILES' HANDS IN HERS WHICH ARE STILL SHAKING 

NILES 

(COVERING) It is awfully chilly in here. 

DAPHNE 

Nice try but you'd think as a doctor you'd be able to come up with something better then that. What's going on? 

NILES 

I may be just a little bit nervous. 

DAPHNE 

A little? 

NILES 

Oh all right a lot. It's starting to affect my vision. I thought I saw you in the lobby. The doorman told me I was groping a ficus tree. 

DAPHNE 

Why are you feeling nervous? Is it me family? 

NILES 

Why would it be your family? 

DAPHNE 

Because they're about to descend upon us like a plague of locusts and there's nothing we can do about it. They're also a little mad at you for knocking me up before the wedding. Mum would kill you immediately with the first thing she could lay her hands on if it weren't for the fact that she wants to see me married before she dies and me brothers are determined to burn you in your bed. 

NILES 

Okay well that is a little worrying. 

DAPHNE 

Just to be on the safe side, you'd better hide when we get there until I find out what sort of mood she's in. If she's swearing like a soldier, carrying a pitchfork and a pair of pliers she's in a good mood and you should be okay. 

NILES 

What if she's in a dark mood? 

DAPHNE 

Then just remember I love you and you won't feel a thing until you reach the gates of heaven. Now what's really worrying you? 

NILES 

Well apart from that, I've just never been so close to getting everything I ever wanted. I'm afraid that someone is going to snatch it away from me. 

DAPHNE LETS GO OF HIS HANDS AND PUTS HER ARMS AROUND HIS WAIST 

DAPHNE 

Listen, no one is going to snatch it away from you. This time tomorrow I'm going to marry you and have everything I've ever wanted. Okay? 

NILES 

Okay. 

DAPHNE 

And if a case of nerves is the worst thing that happens this weekend then we'll have got off lightly. 

NILES 

Trust me this weekend will be perfect, because you're there. 

THEY KISS 

DAPHNE 

Have you been eating a pizza this morning? 

BEFORE HE CAN ANSWER EDDIE COMES RUNNING IN WEARING HIS LITTLE TUX 

NILES / DAPHNE 

No! 

SFX: DOORBELL

RESET TO: 

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM — CONTINUOUS

FRASIER CROSSES TO OPEN THE DOOR AS ROZ ENTERS

FRASIER 

Oh hi Roz. I didn't expect to see you this morning. 

ROZ 

Hi Frasier I'm glad I caught you. I just thought I'd come by on the slim hope that Allison might have come to her senses and dumped you last night. 

FRASIER 

No she didn't Roz and thanks once again for the daily shot of confidence. 

ROZ SLUMPS DOWN ON THE COUCH 

ROZ 

Damn. 

FRASIER 

You still don't have a date for the wedding? 

ROZ 

Shhhh. Don't say it out loud people will hear. 

AS FRASIER ZIPS UP HIS BAG ON MARTIN'S CHAIR NILES AND DAPHNE ENTER FROM THE KITCHEN 

NILES 

You don't have a date? 

ROZ 

Thanks Frasier. 

FRASIER 

They would have found out eventually. There are only so many times you can fool your friends into believing that they keep missing your imaginary boyfriend because he's in the bathroom or using the phone, while La Traviata plays quietly in the background and you sigh hopelessly before finishing yet another glass of champagne. 

NILES 

I knew Kerry didn't exist! 

FRASIER 

Oh let it go Niles it was four years ago. 

DAPHNE 

You really don't have a date? 

DAPHNE SITS DOWN NEXT TO ROZ AS NILES STANDS WITH FRASIER 

NILES 

I see you've finally managed to sleep with every single man in the state of Washington. 

FRASIER 

Most of them weren't single. 

ROZ 

No. I just couldn't find a man. 

NILES 

Are they hiding from you or has every other man on the planet suddenly died except us? 

ROZ 

I don't know what the problem is. I kept hoping that if I didn't admit it, it wouldn't be true. But I need to go with someone, and Frasier already has a date. Oh I know. Niles? 

NILES 

As flattered, as I am Roz by your offer it's generally frowned upon to take a date to your wedding that's not your fiancée. 

FRASIER 

Hey I've got an idea. 

ROZ 

I appreciate it Frasier but I really can't let you go spending money hiring a gigolo for me. 

FRASIER 

That's not what I was suggesting. 

ROZ 

Why not? How cheap are you? 

FRASIER 

I was going to say the same thing about you. Why don't you just go with Dad? He's going stag. 

MARTIN ENTERS FROM HIS ROOM CARRYING A BROWN SUIT 

MARTIN 

What about me? 

FRASIER 

Look neither of you have a date and you'll both be sitting at the head table anyway. At least this way you'll both have someone to dance with while you check out the talent. That way you'll be able to drive up with us as well. 

MARTIN 

I don't have a problem with it. Roz? 

ROZ 

But everyone with think that I'm some sort of gold digger. 

NILES 

Not with Dad in that suit they won't. 

AS MARTIN TURNS TO HEAD BACK TO HIS ROOM TO LOOK FOR YET ANOTHER SUIT WE: 

FADE OUT 

(B) 

TITLE CARD: "LOOK OUT THE BRITS ARE COMING" 

FADE IN: 

INT. HOTEL RECEPTION — AFTERNOON — DAY — DAY/1   
(Coordinator, Niles, Daphne, Frasier, Roz, Martin, Allison, Bellboy, Receptionist, Mrs. Moon, Simon) 

THE HOTEL'S WEDDING COORDINATOR LEADS A HAND IN HAND NILES AND DAPHNE THROUGH A DOOR ON THE FAR LEFT OF THE ROOM INTO THE RECEPTION AREA. THE RECEPTION AREA LOOKS VERY NICE FILLED WITH FRESH FLOWERS. ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE IS THE DESK AND BEYOND THAT A DOOR LEADING TO THE REST OF THE HOTEL. AT THE FRONT LEFT HAND SIDE OF THE ROOM IS THE ENTRANCE AND NEXT TO THAT THE COAT CHECK AND THE RESTROOMS. THERE ARE SUITCASES ALL ABOUT THE DESK WAITING TO BE TAKEN UP TO THEIR ROOMS. A RECEPTIONIST POTTERS BACK BEHIND THE DESK 

COORDINATOR 

I'm so sorry about that. I had no idea that short cut took us through the boiler room. At least you won't need a facial now. 

NILES 

What was that gnawing on the electrical cables? 

COORDINATOR 

That was just a very thin cat with a bald tail. 

DAPHNE 

It looked like a rat. 

COORDINATOR 

And moving swiftly on, we'll complete our tour in this room, the...erm. The...erm. Oh no. It's time to get the old map and compass out again. Forgive me but I haven't been working here long. 

THE COORDINATOR TAKES OUT A PIECE OF PAPER AND EXAMINES IT 

DAPHNE 

Really? We'd never have known. Exactly how long have you been working here? 

COORDINATOR 

For just over three weeks now. 

NILES 

Well you know your way around like you've been working here for about three minutes. 

DAPHNE GIVES NILES A QUICK SLAP ON THE ARM 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Where did you work before you came here? 

COORDINATOR 

A lovely little jungle themed bed and breakfast outside of town they doubled as a boarding house for...ladies of the night shall we say. Everyone had to wear camouflage outfits with large snakes wrapped around our necks. It was very tastefully done. Okay I confess I have no idea what room this is. 

DAPHNE 

I think this is the reception. 

COORDINATOR 

What makes you think that? 

DAPHNE 

The sign that says reception. 

COORDINATOR 

Okay and this is the reception area. Have you seen it? 

NILES 

Yes we did, when we arrived. 

COORDINATOR 

Oh so you did. I'm that used to seeing sweaty builders pulling up their pants, weighed down with their tool belts doing the plastering in here, it's disorientating to see the room without them. Forgive me I'm a little nervous. You see this is my first wedding reception. 

DAPHNE 

Oh well I'm sure you'll do fine. 

COORDINATOR 

Oh thank you. I needed a shot of confidence. Either that or a shot of Bourbon. But maybe you can help me on one thing. Do you rub yourselves with the juice from the boiled pigs head before or after the ceremony? (PAUSE) I'm kidding. That was a joke. 

NILES STARTS TO LOOK QUITE PALE 

NILES 

And how funny it was too. Excuse me please I think I need to see a paramedic. 

COORDINATOR 

That's very funny. 

NILES 

(TO DAPHNE) She thinks I'm joking. 

COORDINATOR 

Okay well can I reserve you both a table at our restaurant for tonight or are you going into town? 

DAPHNE 

No thank you, we're having a rehearsal dinner. 

COORDINATOR 

(CONFUSED) Are you? 

NILES 

It's been booked for months now by your predecessor. 

COORDINATOR 

(COVERING) Oh so you have now I remember her telling me about it. (GUESSING) It was for twenty people? 

DAPHNE 

Ninety-eight. 

COORDINATOR 

Ah yes. We may need to add a couple of extra places. Well I'll get right to that. 

THE COORDINATOR RUSHES AND EXITS THROUGH THE DOOR NEXT TO THE RECEPTION DESK AS NILES AND DAPHNE JUST STARE AFTER HER 

COORDINATOR (CONT'D) 

(OFF STAGE) Oh my God! It's okay. Nothing to worry about. I just saw that cat again. 

DAPHNE TURNS TO NILES PANICKING 

DAPHNE 

Oh my God, this place has developed into a death trap and that insane woman doesn't have the rehearsal dinner planned. 

NILES PLACES HIS HANDS ON HER SHOULDERS TO REASSURE HER 

NILES 

It'll be fine. Trust me. 

DAPHNE 

But what if she's got a Christening organised instead of a wedding? While everyone else sings hymns you'll be grabbed by the back of your neck and dunked under water. 

NILES 

I'm sure whoever was in charge before has seen to everything. Now relax, the pair of you. That's doctor's orders. Would you feel better if I went and checked everything out? 

DAPHNE 

Much. Thank you. 

THEY KISS 

NILES 

Okay. I'll be right back. 

NILES EXITS FOLLOWING THE COORDINATOR AS FRASIER AND MARTIN ENTER THROUGH THE MAIN ENTRANCE 

FRASIER 

How on earth did you manage to get here so quickly? We left Seattle at least twenty minutes before you did. We didn't even stop for a bathroom break. 

ROZ ENTERS RUNNING THROUGH THE MAIN ENTRANCE AND HEADS STRAIGHT FOR THE BATHROOM 

ROZ 

Get out of my way I have to pee. 

ROZ EXITS INTO THE BATHROOM AS A BELLBOY ENTERS THROUGH THE MAIN ENTRANCE PUSHING A CART WITH THEIR LUGGAGE ON 

MARTIN 

It's probably because you drive as fast as an old lady looking for a parking space outside the grocery store. 

FRASIER 

I do not. 

MARTIN 

Frasier an old man in an electric cart passed us a while back. 

FRASIER 

That's only because I braked to miss a pigeon. 

MARTIN 

For three hours on the highway? I could have rode on Eddie all the way here, stopped for a moonlit berry picking expedition and still have beaten you. 

ALLISON ENTERS THROUGH THE MAIN ENTRANCE CARRYING DAPHNE'S WEDDING DRESS 

ALLISON 

Daphne here's your dress what shall I...? 

NILES ENTERS FROM BY THE RECEPTION DESK 

NILES 

Okay everything is arranged as planned. 

DAPHNE 

Oh my God! Shut your eyes? 

NILES 

(CONFUSED) What? 

DAPHNE 

Shut your eyes! 

SINCE NILES IS COMPLETELY UNCLEAR ON WHAT IS GOING ON DAPHNE GRABS HIM AND KISSES HIM BEFORE TURNING HIM AROUND AND FACING AWAY FROM THE WEDDING DRESS. ROZ ENTERS FROM THE BATHROOM 

ROZ 

What's going on? 

ALLISON 

I forgot! I didn't realise he'd be in here. It's bad luck for the groom to see the dress before the wedding. 

DAPHNE BREAKS THE KISS AND PUTS HER HEAD ON NILES' SHOULDER SO SHE CAN SEE WHAT'S GOING ON 

FRASIER 

I wouldn't be too sure that's what's going on. 

DAPHNE 

Take it away somewhere. 

ALLISON 

Here take it. 

ALLISON GIVES IT TO FRASIER 

FRASIER 

I don't want it. Roz you have it. 

ROZ WON'T TOUCH IT AND HOLDS HER HANDS IN THE AIR 

ROZ 

What do I want with it? Give it to Martin. 

DAPHNE 

It's not a bomb you know. You won't have pieces of sequin and pearl shrapnel embedded in your leg if you're the last one to touch it. 

NILES 

Can you just hide it somewhere please. Not that I mind spending the rest of my life like this, it is after all very comfortable but it will make it harder to go to the bathroom. 

BELLBOY 

Shall I put it in your room for you Ma'am? 

DAPHNE 

Yes thank you. 

THE BELLBOY TAKES THE DRESS AND EXITS THROUGH THE DOOR NEXT TO THE RECEPTION DESK 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Okay and you're free again. 

DAPHNE LETS GO OF NILES AND HE TURNS TO FACE THE REST OF THE GROUP BEFORE TAKING DAPHNE'S HAND 

FRASIER 

Well now that crisis is over, and Daphne has burst my eardrums with her screaming we have a reservation for Crane. Frasier Crane. 

FRASIER AND ALLISON MOVE OVER TO THE RECEPTION DESK 

RECEPTIONIST 

You do? 

FRASIER 

Yes. There's no need to sound quite so surprised about it. 

RECEPTIONIST 

I don't have anything on the books Sir. 

FRASIER 

Excuse me? 

RECEPTIONIST 

We have a twelve o'clock final check in policy unless we receive phone confirmation. We're overbooked and you were late arriving so it seems we gave your room to another guest. 

MARTIN 

You had to break for that pigeon. 

FRASIER 

Who has the room? 

THE RECEPTIONIST POINTS ACROSS THE ROOM AT NILES AND DAPHNE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Niles? I don't believe this. Give it back! 

NILES 

What? You can't be serious? You'd have us give up our room the night before our wedding? 

MARTIN MOVES TOWARDS THE DESK 

MARTIN 

Do you have my room? Martin Crane. 

RECEPTIONIST 

Erm...yes we have. Thank you for calling this morning. Would you like to check in now Sir? 

FRASIER 

But what about me? 

NILES 

I'm sure they'll have another room. 

RECEPTIONIST 

Actually we're fully booked tonight. We have four wedding parties here this weekend, including yours. 

FRASIER 

Then what do we do now? 

ROZ 

In your case whine seems to be the most obvious answer. 

ROZ LEANS UP THE BAGGAGE CART BY THE BATHROOM 

FRASIER 

Roz! 

ROZ 

What? 

FRASIER 

I have an idea. Since you've arrived as Dad's date why don't you sleep in Dad's room and Allison and I can have your room? 

ROZ 

Why don't you just go insane? Oh look you already have. 

FRASIER 

Is that a no? 

ROZ 

You catch on quick smart man. 

FRASIER 

Then where are we supposed to sleep? 

MARTIN 

How about my Winnebago when Simon and the rest of Daphne's family get here? 

FRASIER 

And how about you never speak again? 

ROZ 

What's wrong with that idea? 

FRASIER 

You expect me to shack up in a Winnebago in a parking lot? Why not just hang a couple of gophers off the back and hire me a bigheaded banjo boy to serenade us? 

ALLISON 

Well while you spend the rest of the day complaining I'll be relaxing later in the Winnebago. Thanks Martin. 

MRS. MOON ENTERS THROUGH THE MAIN ENTRANCE FOLLOWED BY SIMON. MRS. MOON IS DRESSED ALL IN BLACK WITH A VAIL LIKE SHE'S ATTENDING A FUNERAL. AS SOON AS NILES SEES HER HE RUNS AND HIDES BEHIND FRASIER AND MARTIN UP AGAINST THE RECEPTION DESK 

MRS. MOON 

Well I'm here for this bloody thing. God knows why. 

DAPHNE 

Mum! It's so good to see you! You look...great! 

DAPHNE HUGS HER MOTHER AS SHE GESTURES FOR NILES TO HIDE 

NILES 

Quick hide me before she kills me. 

MARTIN 

You can't hide from her for the whole weekend. It's not traditional to wear an invisibility blanket at the alter you know. 

NILES 

Want to bet? 

ROZ 

I love this outfit. Did you stop off at a funeral on the way from the airport? 

MRS. MOON LOOKS ROZ'S SLIGHTLY SHORT SKIRT UP AND DOWN 

MRS. MOON 

No I didn't, did you stop off down at the docks? 

FRASIER 

And now the pleasantries are out of the way. 

SIMON WONDERS OVER TO ROZ 

SIMON 

Hello there Rose. You're looking particularly fine today if I do say so myself. (TO DAPHNE) Oh hello Stilts. 

ROZ 

Oh God! 

SIMON 

If I have my way that won't be the last time you say that this weekend. 

ROZ STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS THE DOOR BY THE RECEPTION DESK 

FRASIER 

Where are you going? 

ROZ 

To scrape myself up a date before I do someone really stupid. 

ROZ EXITS

ALLISON 

Don't you mean something stupid? 

FRASIER 

Trust me she meant someone. 

DAPHNE 

Mum you remember Dr. Crane and Mr. Crane? 

MARTIN LEANS FORWARD WHILE STILL TRYING TO HIDE NILES TO SHAKE HANDS 

MARTIN 

It's great to see you again Mrs. Moon. 

MRS. MOON 

You obviously don't get out a lot. 

FRASIER 

Mrs. Moon can I introduce you to Allison my girlfriend. 

ALLISON GOES TO SHAKE HANDS 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

(SOTTO TO ALLISON) Don't shake her hand you won't get it back. 

ALLISON PULLS HER HAND AWAY 

ALLISON 

It's lovely to meet you. 

MRS. MOON 

Likewise. 

DAPHNE 

Where's Dad? 

MRS. MOON 

Passed out as pissed as a newt and half naked in the back of the Winnebago. I wouldn't go in there love it's not a pretty picture especially in your condition. And you're brothers have gone looking for a bar. They've got more blood then alcohol pumping through their veins. They'll soon put that right within the hour. 

DAPHNE 

And how was your flight? 

MRS. MOON 

I would have been more comfortable set on fire and strapped to one of the wings for the eleven odd hours. 

MARTIN 

Well there's still time to arrange that for on your way home. 

MRS. MOON 

All right enough of the small talk, where is the Randy little bleeder that's got my only daughter up the stick? 

DAPHNE 

He does have a name you know Mum. 

MRS. MOON 

He has plenty in our house. None that I'd care to repeat in front of strangers. I have enough to confess in church as it is. 

NILES RATHER RELUCTANTLY MOVES FROM BEHIND FRASIER AND MARTIN OVER TO DAPHNE. DAPHNE IMMEDIATELY TAKES HIS HAND AND HOLDS ONTO IT TIGHT. FRASIER, MARTIN AND ALLISON ALL FREEZE UNSURE OF WHAT MRS. MOON'S REACTION IS GOING TO BE 

NILES 

Mrs. Moon it's lovely to see you. 

NILES LEANS FORWARD TO KISS HER CHEEK 

SIMON 

Look out Mum he's trying it on with you now. 

MRS. MOON SUDDENLY STARTS TO BEAT NILES WITH HER PURSE 

NILES 

Ouch Mrs. Moon! 

DAPHNE 

Mum leave him alone. Simon stop encouraging her. 

DAPHNE PULLS NILES AWAY FROM MRS. MOON 

NILES 

Mrs. Moon I think you may have part of my iris on the corner of your purse. 

MRS. MOON 

It's a bloody good job you're about to marry her or I'd be using my very strong grip right about now to turn you into a woman. 

NILES 

Well that's certainly good to hear. 

DAPHNE 

But that's the whole point we are getting married tomorrow so you have nothing to be mad at him for. 

MRS. MOON 

I suppose you have a point but until then I insist you have the room next to me Daphne so he doesn't sneak in there and work off his manly urges on you and get you into even more trouble. 

DAPHNE 

Actually Mum, we're sleeping in the same room. 

MRS. MOON 

Tonight? 

NILES 

Yes. 

MRS. MOON LUNGES FORWARD AND STARTS TO BEAT NILES WITH HER PURSE AGAIN 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Ouch! Mrs. Moon! 

DAPHNE 

Mum stop it. 

SIMON 

Well done Mum! I told you two years ago he'd got her pregnant. 

ALLISON 

So that's Daphne's Mum? 

FRASIER 

Or Satan as she's more commonly known. 

AS SIMON GRABS HOLD OF MRS. MOON TO PULL HER AWAY FROM NILES WE: 

FADE OUT 

(C) 

FADE IN: 

INT. HOTEL BAR — EVENING — NIGHT — DAY/1   
(Martin, Frank, Zora, Frasier, Daphne, Niles, Allison, Lilith, Freddie, Roz, Mrs. Moon, Manager, Huw, Ioan, Simon, Jackie, Waiter, Party Guests) 

THE LARGE BAR IS HEAVING WITH PARTY GUESTS. ON THE RIGHT HAND WALL OF THE ROOM IS THE BAR AND ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE IS TWO SETS OF DOUBLE DOORS THAT LEAD TO THE DINNING ROOM. ON THE BACK WALL THERE ARE TWO DOORS THAT LEAD TO OTHER PARTS OF THE HOTEL. STANDING BY THE DINNING ROOM DOOR ARE FRASIER, ALLISON AND MARTIN. FRANK AND ZORA ENTER FROM ONE OF THE DOORS ON THE BACK WALL. MARTIN SEES THEM IMMEDIATELY 

MARTIN 

Hey Frank! 

FRANK 

Hi Marty. 

MARTIN AND FRANK SHAKE HANDS BEFORE ZORA PULLS MARTIN INTO A BIG HUG 

ZORA 

Marty give your sister-in-law a big hug. You look wonderful. No? 

MARTIN 

Zora thanks for coming. 

FRASIER 

Hello Uncle Frank. Hello there Aunt Zora. 

ZORA TURNS TO LOOK AT FRASIER AND THEN TURNS AWAY FROM HIM 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

And you're still not talking to me I see. 

ZORA 

Oh no Frasier, my favourite nephew. I'll talk to you. Come here. 

FRASIER 

Okay. 

ZORA GRABS FRASIER'S TIE AND PULLS HIM CLOSE TO HER 

ZORA 

If you go within fifty feet of my son ever again, I'll rip your heart out and feed it to the dogs. Do we understand each other? 

FRASIER 

Perfectly. 

AS ZORA LETS GO OF HIS TIE WE FOCUS IN ON NILES AND DAPHNE WHO ARE SITTING AT THE BAR FACING OUT INTO THE ROOM. NILES HAS A FAIRLY SWOLLEN BLACK EYE THAT DAPHNE ATTENDS TO WITH A SMALL ICE PACK 

DAPHNE 

I can't believe you're going to have a black eye on our wedding photos my poor baby. I'm going to kill her. Or at least encourage the doctor to pull the plug when the time eventually comes. 

NILES 

Believe me the way your Mom was swinging that bag around like a whippet on amphetamines it could have been a lot worse. She doesn't exactly have a very good aim. We could have been spending tonight and our wedding night drinking from the mini bar, watching the television and pouring ice cubes down my pants to reduce the swelling instead of what I've got planned. 

DAPHNE 

Well that could be fun too. 

THEY KISS AS FRASIER, MARTIN AND ALLISON APPROACH THEM 

FRASIER 

Niles I don't want to worry you, but shouldn't we be allowed in to the dinning room by now? It's getting late and Dad's looking at me and licking his lips like I'm a pork chop. 

MARTIN 

Face it Frasier there's enough meat on you. 

NILES 

Apparently they're having a small problem in the kitchen. 

ALLISON 

What kind of problem? 

A WAITER ENTERS FROM THE DINNING ROOM DOORS. WHEN THE DOORS OPEN A WAFT OF SMOKE FILLS THE ROOM 

DAPHNE 

Or maybe that was a little too subtle for you. 

MARTIN 

What are you going to do? 

NILES 

Drink lots of alcohol. 

NILES PICKS UP A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE OFF THE BAR AND TAKES A LARGE SIP 

DAPHNE 

It's all right for some. I notice you didn't give that up while I can't drink it like you did with coffee. Just make sure you don't get totally plastered like the rest of my family. 

NILES 

Have they found you a room yet? 

FRASIER 

There's not one missing Niles, it wasn't stolen they just don't have one thanks to someone stealing the one I had reserved. 

NILES 

We didn't steal it. The hotel overbooked and we got here before you. You'll be fine in the Winnebago. 

FRASIER 

Only if I were covered in tattoo's with several teeth missing. If you hear a banjo playing followed by squealing in the middle of the night coming from the parking lot you'll know that we're just re-enacting Deliverance. 

DAPHNE 

Well at least this weekend can't surely get any worse. 

LILITH AND FREDDIE ENTER FROM ONE OF THE DOORS ON THE BACK WALL. LILITH SCANS THE ROOM UNTIL SHE SEES FRASIER AND THEN WALKS TOWARDS HIM 

LILITH 

Frasier! 

FRASIER TURNS AROUND UPON HEARING HIS NAME BEING CALLED 

FRASIER 

Ahhhhhhhhh! 

MARTIN 

(CONCERNED) What? (SEEING LILITH) Ahhhhhhhhh! 

LILITH 

I've been looking for you everywhere. 

MARTIN 

Daphne you spoke too soon. 

NILES 

At least that explains the blood weeping down the walls. 

DAPHNE 

I thought me mother had caused that. 

LILITH AND FREDDIE FINALLY REACH FRASIER 

FREDDIE 

Hi Dad. 

FRASIER 

Freddie come here and give your old man a hug. 

FRASIER AND FREDDIE HUG 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

It's so good to see you. You look very smart young man. Hello Lilith. 

FRASIER KISSES LILITH'S CHEEK 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

It's nice to see you. How was your flight? 

LILITH 

It was fine thank you. 

MARTIN 

Freddie! 

MARTIN AND FREDDIE HUG 

LILITH 

Niles, Daphne congratulations on the wedding and if a little birdie told me right there's also a baby on the way? 

NILES 

That's right. Thank you Lilith. And thanks for coming. 

FREDDIE 

Hi Uncle Niles. Hello Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

What's the matter? Have you not got a hug for me anymore? I'm not an old married woman yet. I can still flirt with a nice young man when I feel like it. 

DAPHNE GETS OFF HER BAR STOOL AND HUGS FREDDIE 

FRASIER 

Freddie let me introduce you to Allison. Allison this is my son Frederick. 

ALLISON AND FREDDIE SHAKE HANDS 

ALLISON 

It's nice to meet you. 

FRASIER 

And of course you remember Lilith. 

ALLISON 

Who could forget Lilith? It's lovely to see you again. 

ROZ APPROACHES THE BAR AND SITS DOWN BEFORE TAKING A GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE OFF THE BAR AND TAKES A BIG SWIG OF IT 

ROZ 

What is wrong with me? Have I developed some sort of repellent abnormal growth on my face today? Why can't I find a man anywhere? 

FRASIER 

Still having no luck? 

ROZ 

A newly castrated dog has had more luck today then I have. I think I've been sprayed with some sort of stud repellent. 

ALLISON 

Simon seems to dote on you. 

ROZ 

Exactly as I've said I seem to have been sprayed with some sort of extra strength stud repellent. 

FRASIER 

But on the upside Lilith is here. 

ROZ 

Where? (FINALLY SEEING HER) Ahhhhhhhhh. 

LILITH 

Thank you Roz it's lovely to see you again as well. Niles what on earth happened to your eye? 

MRS. MOON WALKS PAST AND SMACKS NILES ON THE ARM WITH HER PURSE AS SHE GOES 

MRS. MOON 

Randy little sod. 

LILITH 

Ah now I understand. 

DAPHNE 

Come on you I'd better introduce you to the rest of my family before they get so drunk they start to take their pants off and throw them on the crystal chandeliers. 

NILES 

Your family? In that case let me find some sort of weapon to protect myself and oh by the way I leave everything to you in my will. 

NILES PICKS UP HIS DRINK OFF THE BAR BEFORE HE AND DAPHNE MINGLE WITH THE REST OF THE PARTY GUESTS 

A BEAT 

THE REMAINING GROUP AT THE BAR ALL LOOK VERY UNCOMFORTABLE 

FRASIER 

Well this is nice. 

ALLISON 

Yes it is. 

A BEAT 

LILITH 

Not at all uncomfortable. 

FRASIER 

Not at all. 

A BEAT 

MARTIN 

I need a drink. 

ROZ 

I'm coming with you. 

MARTIN AND ROZ BOTH HEAD INTO THE CROWD TOWARDS A WAITER CARRYING A TRAY OF GLASSES. NILES AND DAPHNE ARE NOW ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF THE ROOM BY THE DINNING ROOM DOORS 

NILES 

Who's the little girl with the eye patch again? 

DAPHNE 

Audrey my niece. That's Stephen's daughter. 

NILES 

Do you think she'd let me borrow it? 

DAPHNE 

You think looking like a pirate on the photos is better then having a black eye? 

NILES 

It would match my tuxedo and it's not like I'll have a peg leg and a parrot on my shoulder as well. 

DAPHNE 

Well it's not the first time I've seen you dress as a pirate. 

NILES 

Why does she even still wear that eye patch now that she has a glass eye? 

DAPHNE 

It's blue and her eyes are brown. Leave it to Stephen to order the wrong colour. 

THE HOTEL MANAGER ENTERS FROM THE DINNING ROOM 

MANAGER 

Dr. Crane can I have a quick word with you please? 

NILES 

Yes of course you can. Has the kitchen 'incident' been brought under control? 

MANAGER 

Well yes but we've lost some kitchen space so unfortunately your dinner will have to be cooked on a gas bar-be-cue on the veranda. 

NILES KNOCKS BACK THE REST OF HIS CHAMPAGNE IN ONE AS THE WAITER WALKS PAST. NILES PUTS HIS EMPTY GLASS ON HIS TRAY AND TAKES THE LAST REMAINING FULL GLASS 

NILES 

(TO THE WAITER) Can you bring me another one of these please? (TO THE MANAGER) I see. 

THE WAITER MOVES OFF TOWARDS THE BAR 

MANAGER 

But that's not the major problem at the moment. 

DAPHNE 

And what would that be? 

MANAGER 

We've never had four wedding parties here at the same time before and the staff are demanding a pay rise, which I can't agree to. So to cut a long story short... 

NILES 

(SARCASTICALLY) Oh no please give us the longer version we're enjoying this tale so much. 

MANAGER 

Oh well then after a quick debate they elected Bruce Sibly as their representative to talk to me... 

NILES 

I wasn't serious! 

MANAGER 

The majority of the waiters have walked out on strike. You'll have to clear your own tables and get your own food from the bar-be-cue. 

DAPHNE BURIES HER HEAD INTO NILES' SHOULDER 

DAPHNE 

I don't believe this. I knew we were tempting fate by bringing the two dark forces of Lilith and me mother together. I'm surprised the earth hasn't split in two. 

MANAGER 

But on the upside we caught that rat. 

NILES 

We were told it was a cat. 

MANAGER 

Well there was a cat. That was until the rat ate it. 

WE NOW FOCUS IN ON ROZ AND MARTIN WHO ARE STANDING AGAINST THE BACK WALL LOOKING AT ALL THE FACES IN THE MINGLING CROWD. SIMON STANDS IN THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM AND UPON SEEING ROZ STARE IN HIS GENERAL DIRECTION DRINKS FROM HIS GLASS OF CHAMPAGNE BEFORE PUTTING HIS TONGUE IN HIS GLASS SUGGESTIVELY AND ARCHING HIS EYEBROW 

ROZ 

Oh my God. I need to find a man now. Simon is beginning to look more and more attractive every second. 

MARTIN 

What's wrong with me? I bring you here and then you dump me? I have to say Roz I'm hurt. 

ROZ 

Oh Martin I'm sorry. 

MARTIN 

Roz I'm kidding. 

ROZ 

Hey you were a cop if I kill Simon what's the best way to dispose of the body without getting caught. 

MARTIN 

Not telling a retired cop about it may be a good start. 

ROZ LOOKS BACK INTO THE CROWD AND SEES A TALL WOMAN LOOKING AT MARTIN 

ROZ 

Martin don't turn around but I think that woman is starring at you. She is. She's checking you out. 

MARTIN 

Oh she is not. 

ROZ 

Marty you've got to be cold because she's just totally undressed you with her eyes. 

MARTIN 

Do you really think so? 

ROZ 

I'm surprised she doesn't need a cigarette. Go and talk to her. 

MARTIN 

I can't leave you here with Simon sniffing around. 

ROZ 

Yes you... 

MARTIN STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS THE WOMAN 

MARTIN 

Great. 

ROZ 

You could at least have waiting for me to finish the sentence! 

WE FOCUS BACK IN ON NILES AND DAPHNE WHO ARE STILL STANDING BY THE DINNING ROOM DOORS AS FRASIER WALKS OVER TO THEM 

FRASIER 

Daphne quick get over here. 

DAPHNE 

What's the matter? 

FRASIER 

I think a couple of your relatives may have had some sort of mild strokes. 

DAPHNE 

A couple? 

NILES AND DAPHNE FOLLOW FRASIER BACK OVER TO THE BAR WHERE LILITH AND FREDDIE ARE NOW SITTING ON THE BAR STOOLS WITH ALLISON STANDING NEXT TO THEM. TWO TWENTY SOMETHING MEN, HUW AND IOAN STAND THERE AS WELL TALKING TO LILITH 

HUW 

Shwmae! Sut wyt ti? Mae'n dda ith weld! 

LILITH 

Daphne please what are these people saying to me? 

IOAN 

Lle braf yw hwn nad ywe? 

DAPHNE 

Rhoddi dy drowsers arnot ti, ti'n twpsin! Rwyt ti'n meddw! 

HUW AND IOAN LAUGH AND THEN MOVE BACK INTO THE CROWD 

NILES 

What the hell was that? 

DAPHNE 

They're my cousins. Don't worry about it they're Welsh. 

NILES 

I didn't know you spoke Welsh. 

DAPHNE 

I can't. 

ALLISON 

Then what did you just say to them? 

DAPHNE 

The only thing I know how to say "you're drunk you silly sods, now pull your trousers up and go to bed." 

LILITH 

Then why was he spitting at me? 

DAPHNE 

They're Welsh that's how they speak. 

NILES 

Well at least we'll be able to start dinner soon. 

FRASIER 

That's great. 

NILES 

You'll have to be quick though because you've got to get a plate from the side table and form a line around to the bar-be-cue outside. 

FRASIER 

I beg your pardon? 

LILITH 

I see you've spared every expense Niles. 

WE FOCUS BACK IN ON ROZ WHO IS STILL STANDING AS BEFORE WATCHING MARTIN STILL TALKING TO THE WOMAN WHO WAS WATCHING HIM. ROZ TRIES IN VAIN TO IGNORE SIMON WHO IS NOW STANDING NEXT TO HER AND LEERING OVER HER 

SIMON 

If you don't mind my saying so Rose you look as fit as a butchers dog tonight. That dress is really slutty. 

ROZ 

Is that your idea of a compliment? 

SIMON 

Actually it's my idea of a chat up line. Has it worked? 

ROZ 

Simon it wouldn't work even if you were gold plated and offered me a beach house on Maui and a choice of pool boys. 

SIMON 

At least I've got something to aim for. 

A BEAT 

SIMON (CONT'D) 

You know what would look great on you? (PAUSE) Me. 

ROZ LOOKS AT SIMON ABSOLUTELY APPALLED AS MARTIN JOINS THEM AGAIN 

ROZ 

What are you doing back? 

MARTIN 

I struck out. 

SIMON 

With Jackie? 

MARTIN 

Yeah. 

SIMON 

That's because he's my Uncle, Marty. 

MARTIN 

What? 

SIMON 

That's my Uncle Jackie. Daphne must have mentioned him before. The transvestite minister from San Francisco? 

ROZ 

You know what this means? 

MARTIN 

Yeah I just hit on a man! 

ROZ 

No he was starring at me. Wait. Oh great the only man to show any interest in me and he's dressed as a woman. 

SIMON 

I'm interested. 

ROZ 

I said man not slime ball. 

SIMON 

Is there a difference? 

MARTIN 

Excuse me I need to sit down. 

MARTIN MOVES OVER TO THE DINNING ROOM DOORS TO SIT DOWN AS WE MOVE BACK OVER TO THE BAR. EVERYONE REMAINS AS BEFORE 

FRASIER 

Just how exactly are they going to cook lobster en cruet on a bar-be-cue? 

DAPHNE 

It's like how sausages are made. You just don't ask. 

NILES 

But may I suggest you try to get to the head of the line before the smell of the bar-be-cue might attract any hungry wildlife. Bears immediately spring to mind. 

ALLISON 

Okay so far, Niles has almost seen the dress and been given a black eye, our room has been given away and we have to sleep in the Winnebago, there's been a fire, there are no waiters and now we have to wrestle our dinner off a bear. Is this a Crane wedding tradition? 

FRASIER 

Trust me nothing else strange can possible happen. 

NO SOONER HAS FRASIER FINISHED UTTERING THE WORDS THEN MARTIN APPROACHES THEM FOR SOME REASON WEARING A VAST AMOUNT OF POORLY PUT ON MAKE UP. EVERYONE TURNS TO LOOK AT HIM AND ARE STUNNED AND LOST FOR WORDS AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT ONE ACT TWO 

(D) 

TITLE CARD: "THE LAST HOURS BEFORE MOURNING?" 

FADE IN: 

INT. HOTEL DINNING ROOM — EVENING — NIGHT — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Martin, Niles, Daphne, Allison, Lilith, Freddie, Mrs. Moon, Roz, Simon, Stephen, Coordinator, Jackie, Robert, Zora, Party Guests) 

THE DINNING ROOM IS EXTREMELY LARGE WITH LARGE VERANDA DOORS ON THE BACK WALL THAT LEAD OUTSIDE TO WHERE THE BAR-BE-CUE IS NOW SITUATED. ON THE RIGHT HAND WALL IS THE DOOR LEADING BACK OUT INTO THE BAR WITH A BAND STANDING IN THE CORNER PLAYING QUIETLY. ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE IS THE HEAD TABLE, WHICH STRETCHES ACROSS THE ENTIRE SIDE OF THE ROOM. IN THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM THERE IS A SMALL DANCE FLOOR WITH THE OTHER TABLES AND CHAIRS AROUND IT. IT APPEARS THAT DINNER HAS ALREADY FINISHED AS EVERYONE MINGLES AND AVOIDS CLEARING THEIR OWN TABLES. MARTIN SITS AT THE HEAD TABLE STILL TRYING TO GET THE MAKEUP OFF HIS FACE AS FRASIER, NILES, DAPHNE, ALLISON AND LILITH ALL WATCH HIM EXTREMELY AMUSED 

FRASIER 

Okay now what happened? You thought you were more likely to get a date by making yourself look like a woman? Does Roz know you're her competition now? 

MARTIN 

I hit on Daphne's Uncle Jackie. I thought he was a woman. 

NILES 

He'd probably say the same about you now. 

DAPHNE 

You what? Why did you do a thing like that? 

MARTIN 

I thought he was checking me out. Blame Roz she's the one that told me he was looking at me. And once again let me say for the record I thought he was a woman. 

DAPHNE 

Why on earth would you think that he's a woman? 

MARTIN 

Maybe because of the floral patterned dress, the wig and the high-heeled shoes and that's just off the top of my head. 

DAPHNE 

But he has an Adam's apple the size of a watermelon and the shoulders of a marine. How could you possible mistake him for a woman? 

MARTIN 

He makes a very attractive looking woman I'll have you know. 

FRASIER 

In that shade of lip-gloss so do you. 

NILES 

In a dim light I can vaguely understand your mistake but that still doesn't explain why you're wearing mascara. 

MARTIN 

I was a little shocked and dizzy from what had happened so I went to sit down. I closed my eyes for no more then five seconds and then the next thing I know some guy is coming towards me with some lip gloss and a pair of tweezers. 

ALLISON 

I thought you said that the Twilight Zone had closed on this wedding or is this what you call normal? 

LILITH 

Evidently he was wrong. 

DAPHNE 

Which guy did this to you? 

MARTIN 

That guy there, going outside to the bar-be-cue. 

MARTIN POINTS TO ROBERT WHO EXITS OUTSIDE THROUGH THE VERANDA DOORS 

DAPHNE 

Oh don't worry about it that's my Uncle Robert, you know the mortician. 

MARTIN 

Oh great so what does that mean? He thought I looked dead? 

DAPHNE 

You can go quite pale at times. 

NILES 

Well never mind you look very pretty now. 

LILITH 

Yes Martin I'm sure you'll have a date within an hour. 

MARTIN 

Just help get it off. 

FREDDIE APPROACHES FROM OFF THE DANCE FLOOR 

FREDDIE 

Why is Grandpa wearing make-up? 

LILITH 

He's getting in touch with his feminine side. 

DAPHNE 

And she's asking why are you doing this to yourself. 

MARTIN 

Are you saying I don't look attractive? 

NILES 

No of course you do Dad. In fact I have the uncontrollable urge to kiss you. Do you mind if I hug you? I promise to keep my hands above your waist. 

LILITH AND FREDDIE MOVE AWAY AND SIT DOWN AT A NEARBY TABLE 

MARTIN 

You stay away from me. 

FRASIER 

Well other then Dad looking like an extremely cheap hooker, everything seems to be going according to plan. Finally. 

DAPHNE 

To keep it that way, we'd better keep Lilith away from my Uncle Robert. If he did that to your father just imagine what he'd do to Lilith's bloodless skin. 

FRASIER 

Good point. When we went to get blood tests before we were married they thought she'd gone there to get a blood transfusion. 

MRS. MOON WALKS TOWARDS THE TABLE AND SITS DOWN 

DAPHNE 

Having a good time Mum? 

MRS. MOON 

No I am not. Your father's still asleep in the Winnebago and your brother Reginald has just been sick in the wishing well. 

FRASIER 

Mr. Moon is still in the Winnebago? 

MRS. MOON 

Yes and the drunken sod can stay there. David keeps going out there every hour to make sure he's still breathing. I'm not going to check on him. I don't trust him. The last time he got this drunk we conceived Michael. 

FRASIER 

But we have no hotel room so we were going to spend the night in the Winnebago. 

MRS. MOON 

Well he won't mind. He probably won't even notice you're there. Just make sure you put him a clean pair of underwear on and make him roll over. You'll be fine. 

FRASIER 

At least that gives me something to look forward to later. 

MRS. MOON 

Meanwhile I'm alone and I have no bugger to dance with. 

MRS. MOON LOOKS UP AT NILES AND SMILES 

NILES 

Oh that is a shame. (REALISING) Oh! Mrs. Moon would you like to dance? 

MRS. MOON 

Oh don't mind if I do Niles. But just make sure you keep those wondering hands of yours on my shoulders since you can't control your hormones. They'll be no feeling up the mother of the bride. 

NILES OFFERS MRS. MOON HIS HAND TO HELP HER GET UP BEFORE THEY MOVE TOWARDS THE DANCE FLOOR. DAPHNE LOOKS ON IN HORROR 

DAPHNE 

It's like an eclipse. You know you shouldn't look but you just can't help it. 

MARTIN 

Don't worry he'll be fine. 

DAPHNE 

Only if he's carrying a nuclear fallout shelter in his pocket. 

WE FOCUS IN ON NILES AND MRS. MOON DANCING. AS THEY DANCE SLOWLY MRS. MOON STEPS ON NILES' FOOT 

NILES 

Ouch! 

MRS. MOON 

Well stop putting your big honking feet under mine you ruddy great galar! 

NILES 

Once again I apologise for being so clumsy. 

MRS. MOON 

I do hope you plan to do right by my daughter. She's used to the finer things in life you know. 

NILES 

Of course I will Mrs. Moon. I love her more then anything. 

MRS. MOON 

(MENACINGLY) You'd better because if you don't I'll make your life a living hell. I may not be able to make it rain sulphur but I shall give it a bloody good go. World War II will look like Mardi Gras compared to the reign of terror I can bring down on you. Do we understand each other? 

NILES 

Loud and clear. 

THE MUSIC STOPS AND NILES AND MRS. MOON PULL APART BEFORE SHE KISSES HIS CHEEK 

MRS. MOON 

Thank you Niles that was lovely, even though you're a bit of a clumsy sod. If you're this clumsy with birth control I understand now how you were able to get her pregnant. 

NILES MOVES BACK OVER TO THE HEAD TABLE AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO DAPHNE 

DAPHNE 

That looked cosy. What were you two talking about? 

NILES 

Oh just this and that. Your mother doesn't actually own a gun or sharp object of any description does she? 

DAPHNE 

No she doesn't. Now me Dad on the other hand is a different story, he collects old hunting rifles. Why? 

NILES 

Oh no reason. 

ROZ ENTERS THROUGH THE DOOR LEADING FROM THE BAR AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO DAPHNE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

Where have you been for the past half an hour? 

ROZ 

Hiding from Simon. 

DAPHNE 

Where? 

ROZ 

In the bathroom. 

ALLISON 

I didn't see you in there. 

ROZ 

I was in the Men's room hiding in a stall. 

FRASIER 

Why? 

ROZ 

Simon was looking for me in the Ladies room. What else was I supposed to do? I immediately regretted it though. I had to spend the next twenty minutes apologising to the very shocked and frightened looking hotel minister clutching his bible for dear life. But how was I to know the lock was broken on that stall? At least I didn't stare. And it's not like he had anything to be ashamed of so those twelve Hail Mary's that I had to do were a little uncalled for. But on the plus side I have four guys phone numbers now. 

NILES 

Copied from the bathroom wall? 

ROZ 

No! I was...(SEEING MARTIN) Martin are you wearing blush? 

MARTIN 

Oh jeez. 

MARTIN PICKS UP HIS NAPKIN AND WIPES HIS FACE YET AGAIN AS MRS. MOON APPROACHES THE TABLE 

MRS. MOON 

Daphne's who's the mad woman? 

DAPHNE 

Which mad woman? 

MRS. MOON POINTS TOWARDS THE DANCE FLOOR WHERE ZORA IS TRYING TO DRAG AS MANY PEOPLE AS SHE CAN INTO A GREEK DANCE 

NILES 

Ah. That's my Aunt Zora. She's Greek. 

FRASIER 

I'll speak to her. 

FRASIER STARTS TO WALK TOWARDS ZORA 

MRS. MOON 

I suppose every family has at least one odd relative. 

DAPHNE 

One? We have a fleet. 

FRASIER REACHES ZORA AND TAPS HER ON THE SHOULDER 

FRASIER 

Aunt Zora. 

ZORA PRETENDS TO SPIT IN FRASIER'S DIRECTION. TAKING THE HINT FRASIER TURNS ON HIS HEELS AND HEADS BACK TO THE HEAD TABLE 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

You know I think she might still be a little mad at me. 

MARTIN 

Gee, do you think? 

FRASIER 

Well that was certainly an interesting meal. 

NILES 

Did anyone else get any of the grey meat? 

MARTIN 

What kind of meat is grey? 

FRASIER 

I don't want to even think about that. 

DAPHNE 

The manager did say that the kitchen would be ready for dinner tomorrow. So at least all the problems have happened today. Tomorrow should go fine. 

NILES STARTS TO RUB DAPHNE'S SHOULDER 

NILES 

Of course it will. 

FRASIER PICKS UP HIS CHAMPAGNE GLASS 

FRASIER 

And on that note lest we not forget in the chaos why we are here I think it's time for me to give my toast. 

FRASIER WALKS OVER TO THE BAND AND TALKS TO THEM. THE MUSIC STOPS PLAYING CAUSING EVERYONE TO LOOK IN THAT DIRECTION AND QUIETEN DOWN 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Ladies and Gentlemen may I have your attention please. For those of you who don't know me I'm the best man and Niles' brother, Dr. Frasier Crane. You may have heard my Seabee award winning radio show on KACL. (SILENCE) Or not, moving on. When I first hired Daphne nearly nine years ago I had no idea that she'd work her way into our hearts let alone end up marrying my brother. In fact for many years I had to practically wrestle Niles away from Daphne. More the fool I. I don't want to say too much this evening since you'll be hearing from me again tomorrow other then to say, congratulations and Dad and I could not be happier for you. Now if you would all raise your glasses and toast to Niles and Daphne. 

EVERYONE RAISES THEIR GLASSES AND TURNS TOWARDS NILES AND DAPHNE 

EVERYONE 

Niles and Daphne. 

NILES AND DAPHNE KISS BEFORE SIMON STANDS ON HIS CHAIR IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM NEXT TO MRS. MOON

SIMON 

Excuse me Frasier do you mind if I just butt in for a moment and say a few quick words? 

FRASIER 

Not at all Simon. 

SIMON 

Not that I want to be rude but you're about as interesting as a stick aren't you. Since no one thought to hire any strippers it's up to me try and put some life back into this wake. All I want to say is firstly congratulations to Stilts and Blinky. 

ALLISON 

Blinky? 

NILES 

It's a nickname he's so kindly given me. 

DAPHNE 

Trust me it could be a lot worse. 

MRS. MOON 

(SHOUTS FROM ACROSS THE ROOM) Randy little sod. 

NILES 

Like that one for example. 

SIMON 

But now if you'll let me sidetrack slightly on to a subject a little closer to my heart. Roz Doyle. 

ROZ HIDES HER FACE IN HORROR 

ROZ 

Oh my God, oh my God! Please tell me there's another Roz Doyle in the room. 

DAPHNE 

There's another Roz Doyle in the room. 

ROZ 

Really? 

DAPHNE 

No, sorry. 

SIMON 

All I want to say to you Roz is 455. That's my room number. Come and see me later. You know you want to darling. 

SIMON GETS DOWN OFF HIS CHAIR AS EVERYONE IN THE ROOM CLAPS AND FRASIER WALKS BACK OVER TO THE HEAD TABLE 

MRS. MOON 

That was lovely Simon. Almost poetry. 

ROZ FINALLY LOOKS UP 

ROZ 

Has he stopped? I'm too scared to remove my fingers from my ears. 

FRASIER 

It could have been a lot worse Roz. 

ROZ 

How? The only thing that could have made that worse is if he had smothered himself in bar-be-cue sauce put a rose between his teeth and hurled himself across the table at me. 

FRASIER 

Then at least you've got something to be grateful for. 

NILES 

And there's an image I'll have to try to repress later. 

STEPHEN APPROACHES THE TABLE LOOKING CLOSELY AT THE FLOOR AS HE GOES 

STEPHEN 

You haven't by any chance seen an eye rolling around the floor have you? 

MARTIN 

Not since I stopped working vice. Then they generally didn't roll, once they popped out they were pretty sticky. 

FRASIER 

You know Dad there is such a thing as too much information. 

NILES 

Why would there be an eye rolling around the floor? 

STEPHEN 

Audrey's lost hers. 

DAPHNE 

Does she know where about? 

STEPHEN 

It could be anywhere. She has a cold, she's been having violent sneezing fits all night. It was only a matter of time before it flew out and actually had someone else's eye out. It could have popped out at any time. 

DAPHNE 

Do you want us to help you look for it? 

STEPHEN 

Would you be a dear? The bloody thing cost me a fortune. I'd have to sell one of my kidney's to get another one. 

ALLISON STARTS TO LAUGH AS STEPHEN MOVES AWAY CHECKING THE FLOOR 

FRASIER 

He's not kidding. 

EVERYONE STANDS AND STARTS TO SEARCH THE FLOOR. FRASIER GETS ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES AND STARTS TO SEARCH AROUND PEOPLES FEET UNDER THE TABLES 

MARTIN 

What rehearsal dinner doesn't end with looking for an eye? 

DAPHNE 

If Simon had his way it would end with strippers. 

ROZ 

It could have rolled anywhere. 

FRASIER STARTS TO LOOK UNDER THE TABLE WHICH LILITH AND FREDDIE ARE SEATED AT 

LILITH 

What is that? Frasier why are you touching my leg? 

FRASIER 

I'm looking for a glass eye. 

LILITH 

I see. Frasier there's no need to lie to me. The first step in overcoming re-emerging emotions is to firstly admit that they exist. 

FRASIER 

No Lilith I'm really looking for a glass eye. 

FRASIER GETS UP OFF THE FLOOR AS MARTIN PICKS SOMETHING UP OFF THE TABLE 

MARTIN 

I think I found it. 

NILES 

That's a crystal saltshaker Dad. When you add this to Daphne's Uncle I think it's time you got your eyes checked again. 

DAPHNE 

We'd better spread out. Stephen and Billy are looking outside and Michael's gone to check her bedroom. 

ROZ 

I'll go and check outside around the bar. She was running around there earlier. 

FRASIER 

I'll give you a hand. 

FRASIER AND ROZ EXIT THROUGH TO THE BAR 

NILES 

It might have rolled under one of the tables. 

AT THIS POINT NILES AND DAPHNE ARE BOTH STANDING AT OPPOSITE ENDS OF THE HEAD TABLE BEFORE GETTING ON THEIR HANDS AND KNEES AND CRAWLING UNDERNEATH TO LOOK FOR THE EYE. AS THEY TALK THEY CRAWL FURTHER AND FURTHER TOWARDS ONE ANOTHER 

DAPHNE 

This is just a perfect end to the day. 

NILES 

Oh it hasn't been all bad. 

DAPHNE 

Okay let's take a look at the day. You've nearly seen my dress. 

NILES 

Nearly but didn't. 

DAPHNE 

The rehearsal dinner has been a farce and you have a black eye. 

NILES 

Well when you look at it that way it does seem a little chaotic. But we have to look on the bright side of these things. At least I'm not nervous anymore. I've been waiting nine years for this to happen. I don't want to waste a second of it worrying about anything. 

DAPHNE 

And that's why you've been so relaxed about everything? 

NILES 

That and the bottle of wine I've drunk. All of this doesn't matter. All that matters is that tomorrow we're going to get married. And nothing, no cats, waiters, fires or glass eyes are going to take that away from us. 

DAPHNE 

God I love you. 

NILES 

I'm certainly glad to hear that considering what we're about to do tomorrow. I love you too. 

THEY KISS AS MARTIN LIFTS UP THE TABLE CLOTH AND LOOKS AT THEM 

MARTIN 

I thought we were supposed to be looking for an eye not making out under a table. 

DAPHNE 

Can't we do both? 

SATISFIED THAT IT'S NOT UNDER THAT TABLE NILES AND DAPHNE CRAWL OUT AND STAND UP. NILES QUICKLY TAKES OUT HIS HANDKERCHIEF AND WIPES HIS HANDS AND KNEE CAPS AS THE COORDINATOR APPROACHES THEM 

COORDINATOR 

Excuse me Dr. Crane, there's a gentleman outside in the bar that would like to speak to you for a moment. 

NILES 

Thank you. 

HE KISSES DAPHNE 

NILES (CONT'D) 

I'll be right back. 

NILES GOES TO EXIT 

DAPHNE 

(SUGGESTIVELY) Don't be too long there are more tables to look under. 

NILES TURNS AND SMILES AT HER BEFORE EXITING INTO THE BAR 

RESET TO: 

INT. HOTEL BAR — CONTINUOUS

DONNY WAITS BY THE BAR, IN THE ROOM THAT IS EMPTY, PACING UP AND DOWN AS NILES ENTERS. THE SMILE ON NILES' FACE QUICKLY DISAPPEARS AS A SHOCK EXPRESSION APPEARS 

NILES 

Donny?! 

DONNY 

Hello Niles. Wow, what happened to your eye? 

NILES 

All I remember is Daphne's mother and a flying purse hurtling towards my head at break neck speed. The rest is all a blur. 

DONNY 

That's something I don't miss about Daphne. Her family. And the constant fear and stomach ulcers that comes with them. 

NILES 

What are you...what are you doing here? 

DONNY 

I needed to talk to you. 

NILES 

What about? 

DONNY 

Can I get you a drink? 

NILES 

Erm, no thank you. What do you want to talk about? 

DONNY 

Daphne. 

NILES 

Listen Donny I know you must still be hurting from what happened but now is neither the time nor the place for this. How did you even find out that we were getting married here? 

DONNY 

Frasier announced the news nearly every twenty seconds on his show yesterday and I'm not here for me Niles, I'm here for you. 

NILES 

What are you talking about? 

DONNY 

I take no pleasure in this Niles. 

NILES 

Then don't say it. 

DONNY 

It's about the baby. 

NILES 

How do you know about the baby? 

DONNY 

Because it's mine Niles. 

A BEAT 

NILES 

No, no. That's not true. I know that you're still upset and bitter and twisted about what happened but I refuse to have you poison my relationship with Daphne like this. I don't have to listen to this. 

NILES STARTS TO WALK BACK TOWARDS THE DINNING ROOM 

DONNY 

I'm sorry to have to break this to you Niles but I want to stop you from making a big mistake. You deserve more then that. 

NILES 

I think you should leave Donny. 

DONNY 

If you don't believe me then just ask Roz, she saw us together. 

NILES 

Even so Daphne would never do that. 

DONNY 

Wouldn't she? 

NILES 

No. 

DONNY 

She did it to me Niles. Are you forgetting? Two years ago. It's a day I know I'll never forget. I'm sure you feel the same but for a different reason. But this has gone further then that now. I don't want to see you get hurt. 

NILES 

As apposed to what you're doing now? Donny I want you to leave. 

DONNY 

Listen I know this hurts. Believe me I know but... 

NILES 

Donny leave. 

THE MANAGER ENTERS FROM ONE OF THE DOORS ON THE BACK WALL 

MANAGER 

Is everything okay Dr. Crane? 

NILES 

No. Would you mind escorting Mr. Douglas from the premises? He's an uninvited guest. 

DONNY 

Fine if you don't want to believe me then that's your decision. But you're making a big mistake Niles. 

DONNY EXITS THROUGH ONE OF THE DOORS ON THE BACK WALL WITH THE MANAGER FOLLOWING. NILES SLUMPS DOWN ONTO ONE OF THE BAR STOOLS AND STARES OFF INTO THE DISTANCE 

A BEAT 

FREDDIE ENTERS FROM THE DINNING ROOM. NILES DOESN'T NOTICE HIM 

FREDDIE 

Uncle Niles have you found it? 

NILES 

(QUIETLY) I saw the dress. 

FREDDIE 

Uncle Niles? 

NILES 

(SNAPS) What? 

FREDDIE 

The glass eye. Have you found it? 

NILES 

Erm...no Freddie I haven't. 

NILES STANDS AND STARTS TO PACE THE FLOOR 

FREDDIE 

Have you checked behind the bar? (PAUSE) Uncle Niles? (PAUSE) Uncle Niles! 

NILES 

What Freddie? 

FREDDIE 

Have you checked behind the bar? 

NILES 

(SHOUTS) No Freddie I have no checked behind the bar. I have not checked underneath the tables and I have not checked in the blender. Now will you leave me alone and stop pestering me? 

FREDDIE 

Sure Uncle Niles. 

FREDDIE EXITS THROUGH ONE OF THE DOORS ON THE BACK WALL AS NILES CONTINUES TO PACE THE FLOOR MUTTERING TO HIMSELF AND WE: 

FADE OUT 

(E) 

FADE IN: 

INT. HOTEL BALLROOM — EVENING — NIGHT — DAY/1   
(Roz, Frasier, Freddie) 

FRASIER AND ROZ SEARCH AN EMPTY BALLROOM. THERE ARE BALLOONS AND GLASSES SPREAD ABOUT FROM WHERE SOME OF THE PARTY GUESTS MUST HAVE BEEN GATHERED BEFORE. THERE IS HARDLY ANY LIGHT IN THERE, WITH JUST A GLOW COMING FROM THE OPEN DOOR ON THE LEFT HAND SIDE AND THE WINDOWS ON THE BACK WALL. FRASIER SEARCHES UNDERNEATH SOME TABLES WHILE ROZ CHECKS THE STAGE AREA ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE 

ROZ 

Why are we even looking for this thing in the first place? It's made of glass. Wouldn't it have smashed the moment it hit the floor? 

FRASIER 

It might not be made out of glass. 

ROZ 

Hello? It's called a glass eye. What do you think they make it out of? Jello? I can't imagine it's going to look very realistic anyway after it's been shattered into a million pieces, glued back together again and then pushed back in her eye socket. 

FRASIER 

You don't seem in a particularly good mood tonight Roz. 

ROZ 

Well why would I Frasier? Look at my life. This weekend has just brought everything home for me. 

FRASIER 

What are you talking about? 

ROZ SLUMPS DOWN ON THE EDGE OF THE STAGE AND PUTS HER HEAD IN HER HANDS 

ROZ 

I'm nearly forty Frasier. I'm a single parent and I'm alone. Everywhere I look recently there are happy couples all around me. I know it's awful of me and I hate myself for it but I'm really jealous of Daphne right now. 

FRASIER 

Please don't tell me you have a crush on Niles. 

ROZ 

Dear God no! Why would you think that?! I may be desperate but I'm not that desperate. I meant because she's so happy, that's all. She's found Niles, a guy who worships the ground she walks on, a guy who would do absolutely anything for her and I just wish I had what she has. 

FRASIER SITS DOWN NEXT TO ROZ 

FRASIER 

That's nothing to feel sorry about Roz. 

ROZ 

I mean what kind of looser am I to arrive at a wedding single when even you have a date for God's sake? 

FRASIER 

(OFFENDED) Of course Roz because normally men like me have to blackmail a woman with the threat of extradition to get a date. 

ROZ 

Frasier I didn't mean it like that. 

FRASIER 

I suppose it may comes as a surprise to you that I've never attempted to get a mail order bride since I'm so troll like and desperate. 

ROZ 

I just feel like I'm never going to find anybody. 

FRASIER 

Come on Roz that's crazy. 

ROZ 

Is it? Look at the options I have. There's Simon. And...oh my God that's it. The only other guy to show any interest was wearing a dress. 

FRASIER 

Granted right now things look a little on the bleak side. 

ROZ 

A little? Prisoners on death row have a brighter future. 

FRASIER 

Well that's because of the electrical current. 

ROZ 

I have nothing to offer. 

FRASIER 

What are you talking about? You have plenty to offer. 

ROZ 

Like what? 

FRASIER 

You're kind. You're considerate. You have a wonderful sense of humour. A generous spirit. You handle single motherhood with a grace and beauty that I'm in awe of. You're beautiful Roz. 

ROZ 

Oh you're just saying that because I'm feeling so sorry for myself. 

FRASIER 

No honestly Roz. When I first found out that the station had switched producers on me, the main reason I was so stressed out and flustered by it all was because I had no idea how I was going to have a professional relationship with such a beautiful woman. 

ROZ 

Thank you Frasier. 

FRASIER 

I mean it. You're everything I've ever looked for in a woman. 

ROZ LOOKS UP MEETING FRASIER'S GAZE 

A BEAT 

ROZ 

You're everything I've ever looked for in a man. 

AT THE SAME TIME FRASIER AND ROZ BOTH LEAN FORWARD UNTIL THEIR LIPS MEET IN A KISS 

A BEAT 

FREDDIE ENTERS SUDDENLY CAUSING BOTH FRASIER AND ROZ TO JUMP AND BREAK THE KISS. FRASIER IMMEDIATELY SPRINGS TO HIS FEET UNSURE OF WHAT HAS HAPPENED AND WHAT TO DO 

FREDDIE 

Dad have you found it? 

FRASIER QUICKLY LOOKS ABOUT THE ROOM 

FRASIER 

No Freddie, it's not in here. 

FREDDIE 

Do you know what's wrong with Uncle Niles? 

FRASIER 

What do you mean? 

FREDDIE 

He's in the bar pacing up and down and muttering to himself. When I asked him if he'd found the glass eye he yelled at me and asked me to leave him alone. 

FRASIER 

That doesn't sound like Niles. 

FRASIER GOES TO EXIT BUT THEN STOPS AND TURNS AROUND TO FACE ROZ 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

I'd better go and check on him. 

ROZ 

Yeah, go and check on him. 

FRASIER TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS TOWARDS ROZ 

FRASIER 

Are you okay? 

ROZ 

I'm fine. Go on. 

FRASIER 

I'll be right back. 

ROZ 

No it's okay I'll come with you. 

ROZ STANDS AND FRASIER WAITS FOR HER TO EXIT BEFORE HE FOLLOWS AFTER FREDDIE AS WE: 

FADE OUT 

(F) 

FADE IN: 

INT. HOTEL DINNING ROOM — EVENING — NIGHT — DAY/1   
(Mrs. Moon, Daphne, Stephen, Simon, Martin, Party Guests) 

DAPHNE WALKS ABOUT THE ROOM LOOKING UNDER TABLES AS MRS. MOON FOLLOWS HER WITH A DRINK IN HAND 

MRS. MOON 

How could you do it to me Daphne? Your own mother? 

DAPHNE 

Anyone would think I'd put you in a home where you're beaten with a pointy stick everyday and forced to sow mailbags. 

MRS. MOON 

That would have been easier to accept then this. 

DAPHNE 

You're the one that's done nothing but complain that I've never given you any Grandchildren. 

MRS. MOON 

But I meant for you to get married first Daphne. 

DAPHNE 

But I am getting married first. I'm not going to give birth tonight for heaven's sake. It's a tad too early. 

MRS. MOON 

You don't care what shame you bring on the family. As if it's not bad enough that we've been forced to find a new church after your brothers got the blame for stealing the collection plate. We'd only just smoothed everything over with the Vicar after Simon was caught in the confession box with that half naked woman on his lap. 

DAPHNE 

Is there any surprise that the Vicar was upset? It was his wife after all. 

MRS. MOON 

Ex wife. That woman was a common tart and everyone from the paperboy to the Pope knew it. People are going to think that he's only married you because of the baby. 

DAPHNE 

But that's not true. 

MRS. MOON 

And I'm sure the women of the Manchester knitting society will believe that. You know how they gossip. I knew Brian Torrington had that third testicle before he did. 

STEPHEN WHO IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM WITH SIMON SHOUTS TO GET EVERYONE'S ATTENTION 

STEPHEN 

Panic over, we've found it. 

SIMON 

I said I was sorry. I thought it was an ice cube. 

STEPHEN 

And you never noticed it was looking at you? 

SIMON 

Am I supposed to notice everything? 

DAPHNE WALKS BACK OVER TO THE HEAD TABLE WHERE MARTIN IS NOW SITTING 

DAPHNE 

Well at least that problem has been solved. 

DAPHNE LOOKS ABOUT THE ROOM 

DAPHNE (CONT'D) 

Have you seen Niles? He's been gone a while. 

MARTIN 

Oh great now we've lost Niles! 

SIMON WALKS PAST AND OVER HEARS 

SIMON 

I'll check in the pot plants, you look under the tables. 

AS SIMON STARTS TO LOOK IN THE PLANT POTS AND OTHER ODD PLACES DAPHNE AND MARTIN JUST STARE AFTER HIM AND WE: 

FADE OUT 

(G) 

FADE IN: 

INT. HOTEL BAR — EVENING — NIGHT — DAY/1   
(Frasier, Niles, Roz, Freddie, Martin, Robert) 

NILES PACES UP AND DOWN THE EMPTY BAR STILL MUTTERING TO HIMSELF AS FRASIER, ROZ AND FREDDIE ENTER FROM ONE OF THE DOORS ON THE BACK WALL. NILES DOESN'T SEEM TO NOTICE THEM AGAIN AND FRASIER IS RATHER HESITANT ABOUT APPROACHING HIM 

FRASIER 

Niles what's going on? 

A BEAT 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Niles? 

A BEAT 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

(SHOUTS) Niles! 

NILES STOPS PACING AND SPINS AROUND TO FACE THEM RATHER FRUSTRATEDLY 

NILES 

What?! 

FRASIER 

What's happened? 

NILES 

Donny was here. 

NILES STARTS TO PACE AGAIN AS EVERYONE ELSE LOOKS A LITTLE SHOCKED 

ROZ 

What? What did he want? 

NILES 

Oh I think you can guess. 

FRASIER 

Freddie can you give us a moment please? 

FREDDIE 

But... 

FRASIER 

(FORCEFULLY) Freddie will you go back into the dinning room please? 

FREDDIE 

Sure. 

FREDDIE RATHER RELUCTANTLY EXITS BACK INTO THE DINNING ROOM 

FRASIER 

Okay now what's going on? 

NILES 

Donny has just been here to see me. 

FRASIER 

How did he even know you were here? 

NILES 

Apparently it was repeatedly broadcast on your show yesterday. 

FRASIER 

(REALISING GUILTILY) Ah. 

NILES 

The manager said that there's also a guy hanging around the reception who wants to cut your toenails. 

FRASIER 

Well that's the last time I announce my weekend plans on the air. 

ROZ 

I did tell you. 

FRASIER 

What did Donny want? 

NILES 

To prevent me from making a mistake. 

FRASIER 

Just forget about it Niles. He's obviously still bitter and upset and if you let him get to you like this then he's already won. 

NILES 

He says that the baby is his. 

A BEAT 

ROZ 

What? 

FRASIER 

That's ridiculous Niles. He's just after some sort of shallow revenge. 

NILES 

Maybe but how did he even know Daphne was pregnant? 

FRASIER 

(ONCE AGAIN GUILTILY) Oh sorry. What? I'm excited I'm going to be an Uncle. How was I supposed to know that Donny listens to my show? 

NILES 

I can understand your surprise it's a miracle anyone listens to it. 

MARTIN ENTERS FROM THE DINNING ROOM 

MARTIN 

It's all right we've found it. Simon had it in his drink. I think we can all be thankful that he didn't swallow it. (NOTICING THE TENSE ATMOSPHERE) What's going on? 

FRASIER 

Donny has just been here. 

MARTIN 

What did he want? 

NILES 

To tell me that the baby is his. 

MARTIN 

Don't you go believing a word of that son. He's just trying to drive a wedge between the two of you. 

NILES 

Then he's done a remarkable job of it. 

FRASIER 

There's not even a shred of evidence to prove that she's even seen Donny in the last two years let alone had any sort of relationship with him. Am I right Roz? 

ROZ LOOKS AT HER FEET 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Roz? 

A BEAT 

FRASIER (CONT'D) 

Roz? 

NILES SEES ROZ'S BODY LANGUAGE AND STARES AT HER WAITING FOR AN ANSWER 

ROZ 

What? 

NILES 

What is it Roz? What do you know? 

ROZ 

Nothing. I don't know anything. 

NILES 

Roz don't lie to me. You obviously know something. Roz? Tell me. (SHOUTS) Tell me! 

ROZ 

I saw them. 

FRASIER 

What? 

NILES 

Saw them where? 

ROZ 

It's when we last went to the Fox and Whistle. You left early. I left Daphne there but came back to get my coat and they were there. 

NILES 

Oh my God! 

MARTIN 

Niles that doesn't mean anything. 

NILES 

If it doesn't mean anything then why didn't she tell me? 

FRASIER 

Probably because she knew you'd react just like this. 

ROZ 

What are you going to do? 

NILES 

I don't know. 

MARTIN 

Don't tell me you believe this crap. 

NILES 

Well why wouldn't I Dad? Roz saw them together. Daphne kept it from me. And doesn't this explain why she was so afraid to tell me that she was pregnant in the first place? 

FRASIER 

I'll admit this looks bad but I'm sure if you just talk to her you'll see that... 

NILES 

No. I don't want to talk to her. The weddings off. 

FRASIER 

Niles now before you do something you'll regret... 

NILES 

I don't need a lecture Frasier. I just want to be left alone. 

NILES GOES TO EXIT TOWARDS ONE OF THE DOORS ON THE BACK WALL 

FRASIER 

What do we tell Daphne? 

NILES 

Try the truth. 

NILES EXITS AS EVERYONE ELSE JUST STARES AFTER HIM 

NILES (CONT'D) 

(OFF STAGE) Uncle Robert will you get off me! I don't need any make-up. 

UNCLE ROBERT ENTERS FROM THE SAME DOOR THAT NILES LEFT THROUGH CARRYING SOME LIP GLOSS 

ROBERT 

But he's so pale. 

AS FRASIER, ROZ AND MARTIN ALL LOOK AT EACH OTHER IN A STATE OF SHOCK WE: 

FADE OUT 

END OF ACT TWO END OF SEASON NINE 

CLOSING CREDITS: WE MOVE ACROSS FRASIER'S DARKENED LIVING ROOM. THE ONLY LIGHT COMES FROM THE SKYLINE THAT TWINKLES IN THE DISTANCE 


End file.
